Drumpfster Fire

This page is a compilation of Fark threads related to the dumpster fire that is the administration of the 45th President of the United States of America.

It is for the mess for the current month,  If for some reason you want to see previous month's worth of dreck, check out the archive

=Head Toupee=

Nicknames
''This section will provide the many nicknames this asshole has earned for the month of  with credit when known. They are in approximate order of appearance on the internet.''

For the full, categorized list, please visit this page
 * 1) Orange Death
 * 2) Tangerine Twitterer
 * 3) kommander combover
 * 4) President Abusive Dad
 * 5) Surrogate President Trump
 * 6) Adolf Twitler
 * 7) Drumpfrey Blowhard
 * 8) President Trainwreck
 * 9) Trumperdorf
 * 10) President Jellyman
 * 11) douchebag Donnie
 * 12) High Lord Douchebag
 * 13) Tweaker Tweeter
 * 14) Thalidomide Thumbs
 * 15) The Commander in Cheet
 * 16) Daffy Drumpf
 * 17) L. Don Blubbard
 * 18) His Orangeness
 * 19) WTF in Chief
 * 20) Herr Twitler
 * 21) Daft Trump

Review

 * 1) Day 50: Trump keeps signing whatever the fark you put in front of him and only using executive power
 * 2) If you wanted your Decline and Fall of the American Republic in graph form, we've got you covered

Laws Signed

 * 1) Of the three bills and two executive orders President Trumpler signed yesterday, guess which one wasn't given a signing ceremony or photoshoot

Executive Orders

 * 1) Of the three bills and two executive orders President Trumpler signed yesterday, guess which one wasn't given a signing ceremony or photoshoot
 * 2) Trump: "My new and improved travel ban is flawless, see you in court liberotardos" Lawyers and judges: "You are really bad at this"
 * 3) Trump's travel ban preventing certain groups from coming into US. Do those groupds groups include A: Al Queda? B: ISIS? or C: The Canadian version of the Girl Scouts?
 * 4) Day 50: Trump keeps signing whatever the fark you put in front of him and only using executive power
 * 5) Trump signs executive order asking every department "just what do they do around here?"

Fiddling with foreign relations
This section has become too large, hence it has been given its own page: The World Outside the U.S. Post-Drumpf for all threads related to the economic sanctions against Russia, please click here

Misinformation
This section has become too large, hence it has been given its own page: Drumpfster Fire Misinformation

Executive grifting

 * 1) Let me tell you, this David guy, OK? He's got a camp, and it's garbage. I mean, just the worst. I'm not the only one saying it, everybody hates this guy's camp, believe me. The door handles are made of wood, there's barns... it's a total mess
 * 2) Trump's sons are plotting to leverage their ties established during the campaign


 * 1) Whine bar sues Trump
 * 2) Donald Trump will host China's president at Mar-A-Lago because why not waste more taxpayer dollars
 * 3) Another day, another GOP survey. You would think that if they wanted to get feedback from voters, they would hold townhalls or something

Possible Release Of

 * 1) Microwave some popcorn (make sure you cover the camera first). Rachel Maddow says she has Trump's tax returns. Tonight at 9PM EDT on MSNBC

Leaks

 * 1) President Trump's latest attempt to stop the damaging leaks coming from the White House leaks to the press
 * 2) Fmr. NSA analyst: Intel sources say White House 'targeting journalists' with 'help from Russian intel' - Nothing to see here, move along comrade

Investigations
For the full mess, please visit the archive

General

 * 1) Fired U.S. Attorney for New York Preet Bharara sends out a Tweet that STRONGLY suggests that he was investigating Trump when he was fired
 * 2) The FBI is fully cooperating with the Russia investigation

Not Under Investigation

 * 1) WH: It's fine, just fine, nothing to see here. There are no investigations targeting the President, and if there were, we cannot comment on on-going investigations anyway. So there. Nailed it

Trump Campaign Contacts with Russian Officials

 * 1) A timeline of Jeff Sessions' relationship with the Trump campaign and his own conversations with Russian officials
 * 2) Just in case you've lost count here's a list of Trump's campaign advisors, that we know of at this writing, who have met with the Russians just to say hi and shoot the shiat
 * 3) Sorry Dems, the whole Jeff Sessions gig you've got going is nothing but fake news
 * 4) And here it is. The stupidest thing you will read all day
 * 5) Russia's foreign minister decries the investigations into the Trump Administration's contacts with Russia using nearly identical language to that which Trump himself used. Dude, you're NOT helping
 * 6) Trump campaign: We had nothing to do with altering the RNC platform to effectively cede Ukraine to Russia. Reality: The platform was altered by a campaign staffer on orders from Trump himself
 * 7) After every Trump revelation, the following 13 step formula is followed, rinsed and repeated
 * 8) Let's check in on the only Russian Trump *hasn't* talked to
 * 9) That time when candidate Trump met with the Russian Ambassador and then lied about it
 * 10) FBI and NSA called to testify on Trump-Russia investigation. CIA was going to be called, but thanks to Wikileaks, Congress already knows what CIA was going to say anyway
 * 11) Sen. Murphy says what many of us are thinking, Wikileaks timing for releasing this info on the CIA is suspiciously timed, almost as if they were trying to deflect attention from something else, but what could that be?
 * 12) Nothing to see here -- just Trump associates directly communicating with Russian hackers mere weeks before the DNC was hacked
 * 13) AG Sessions: "Khorosho, ya sdelayu vse, chto vozmozhno, chtoby vosstanovit' nezavisimost' i professionalizm Ministerstva yustitsii"
 * 14) Trump Campaign Knew
 * 15) Paul Manafort's protégé? Russian collaborator
 * 16) White House finally responds to growing questions about Wikileaks CIA dump, Trump's wiretap accusation and connections to Russia...by canceling all press events
 * 17) FBI continues investigating the "odd" cyber link between a Russian bank and Trump's corporate holdings
 * 18) All of Trump's ties to Russia laid out in one easy char- Really? Seven? We need THAT Many? OK, fine: All of Trump's ties to Russia laid out in SEVEN, actually fairly complicated charts
 * 19) Spicer will finally reveal the wiretapping evidence against Obama- or implode. (Live at 1ish EST)
 * 20) FTFA: In what can be described as journalistic malpractice and a gross dereliction of duty, the alt-left radical propaganda press continues to insist there is some nefarious connection between President Trump and Moscow. Evidence? They don't need any

Possible Russian Interference Of 2016 POTUS Election

 * 1) And Jeff recuses
 * 2) Trump has "total confidence" in Jeff Sessions. Sorry, Jeff
 * 3) Sessions and other Trump surrogates demanded Loretta Lynch recuse herself under similar circumstances, but that was different because Sessions is a white man
 * 4) Good thing Trump's campaign funds didn't pay for Sessions's visit with Rus--oh
 * 5) The fact that the Top Republican on the House Intelligence Committee which has been charged with looking into Russia's interference in the election was also a member of Trump's transition team should in no way cast doubt on the panel's work

Possible Interference with Economic Sanctions Against Russia

 * 1) Confederate States of America signs non-aggression pact with Russia
 * 2) What exactly did Jeff Sessions say to the Russian ambassador and when did he know it?
 * 3) WH ordered to keep all information they have regarding Russia. Presumably for the big bonfire they'll have when Putin has a state visit
 * 4) Dems to Sessions: GTFO
 * 5) And.... Here.... We... Go
 * 6) And now we have a running list of people demanding Jefferson Beauregard Sessions resign and leave the Confederacy in disgrace after it was revealed he spoke with Russia illegally
 * 7) Well that didn't take long, Trump administration goes from defending Sessions as a victim of a partisan witch hunt to "hey, we didn't know he met with Russians until we turned on the TV this morning". Oh, Beauregard, we hardly knew ye
 * 8) NEW BOMBSHELL: Jared Kushner and Mike Flynn met with the Russians in December
 * 9) Trump campaign: We had nothing to do with altering the RNC platform to effectively cede Ukraine to Russia. Reality: The platform was altered by a campaign staffer on orders from Trump himself
 * 10) Trump surrogates peek out into the light, admit that maybe they talked to some Russians once for 5 minutes about nothing in particular and it's nothing to worry about and they're sorry they forgot to mention it
 * 11) After every Trump revelation, the following 13 step formula is followed, rinsed and repeated
 * 12) "Follow the money." This is not a repeat from Watergate, Iran-Contra, Whitewater, nor the pickup line Drew told the hooker last week

Nadler's "Resolution of Inquiry"
demanding Attorney General hand over "any document, record, memo, correspondence or other communication” pertaining to “criminal or counterintelligence investigations” related to Trump, White House staff or his business"

Obama Alleged Phone-Tapping
Trump Tower Tapp


 * 1) House Intelligence Committee requests that Trump FW:FW:FW:FW:FW: over his evidence of wiretapping by Monday
 * 2) House Intelligence Committee set today as the deadline for Trump to provide evidence he was the victim of an Obama "wiretapp." Will Trump follow through? What will happen if he fails to provide the evidence? Either way, things will get crazy today
 * 3) Spicer will finally reveal the wiretapping evidence against Obama- or implode. (Live at 1ish EST)
 * 4) Trump 'doesn't really think' Obama personally tapped his phone. Last five words completely unnecessary
 * 5) Welcome to Politics 2017 - The Year of the Walk Back
 * 6) Obviously, the reason no one can find any evidence that Obama ordered Trump wiretapped is because he asked James Bond to do it
 * 7) [https://www.fark.com/comment

Crimes
This section will include all Fark threads related to crimes committed by the Head Toupee For the full mess, please visit the archive

Possible Campaign Finance Inproprieties

 * 1) Watchdog groups: Trump team helped themselves to alt-legal campaign contributions after the election
 * 2) Good thing Trump's campaign funds didn't pay for Sessions's visit with Rus--oh

Possible Libel

 * 1) "Although the law provides a great deal of leeway for political speech, that protection is not all encompassing. And because of the way Trump has leveled unsubstantiated accusations at Obama, he may have libeled his predecessor"

Conflicts of Interest

 * 1) Trump hotel in Azerbaijan was a front for the Iranian Revolutionary Guard
 * 2) Trump just got a trademark for escort services in China. Hey Evangelicals, you know them by their fruit, amiright?
 * 3) Hey, here's a question: Why has a Russian oligarch known as "The Fertilizer King" been following Trump around the country? Is it for the steady supply of cheap and plentiful bullshiat? Or is it something more sinister...?
 * 4) Trump claims that he has never met a man who paid him $95 million. Which I totally understand, I've never met a man who'd pay me $95 million either
 * 5) So, has anyone else noticed that the handicapping of the State Department that President Trump has engaged in, benefits Russia and Putin tremendously?

Pay-to-play

 * 1) Why did Trump reverse his mandate to use U.S. steel in the Keystone XL pipeline? Nobody knows, but a Russian oligarch with close ties to Putin stands to make a bunch of money from it. Fancy that
 * 2) "Big Candy", lobbying the Trump administration to roll back sugar subsidies, to hold their 2017 and 2018 meetings and conferences at Trump hotels
 * 3) Make Chile Great Again
 * 4) What's that, oh it's nothing, just Jared Kushner's family making $400 million because a huge Chinese company is buying one of their buildings at a wildly inflated price on terms ridiculously favorable to the Kushners, nothing to see here, move along

Lawsuits
This section will include all Fark threads related to lawsuits filed against the Head Toupee for the month of  For the full mess, please visit the archive

Citizens Action Coalition, et al. v. Indiana House Rep.
Pence hid emails when governor of Indiana
 * 1) File this under "It's totes okay when we do it"
 * 2) Mike Pence says there's no comparison to Clinton on his private email use, as he's a Republican with a penis
 * 3) Vice President Mike Pence demands apology from media for publishing his wife's private email address... which became a matter of public record because Mike Pence used his private email account to conduct government business

Cork Wine Bar

 * 1) Whine bar sues Trump

Removal From Office
For the full mess, please visit the archive

25th Amendment Solution

 * 1) "You know, Mr. President, the Russia stuff is heating up pretty badly. We need something to distract the media. How about...um...I dunno...maybe Obama tapped your phones? Think anyone would believe that?"
 * 2) Donald Trump suffered an outright personality breakdown on Twitter after the wiretap comments, and Twitter has reacted accordingly; "We need to keep him away from the nuclear launch codes today"
 * 3) Congressman points out to Trump that if his TT phones were tapped, then he's in deeper poop than he imagined because the tap would have required a warrant, which in turn would have required Probable Cause in front of a FISA judge
 * 4) President Trump goes nuts on senior staff, grounds Bannon and Preibus, before heading to yet another weekend getaway
 * 5) Trump's entire staff has no clue where he came up with the wiretapping allegations
 * 6) When you have access to the most powerful intelligence and spy agencies in the world and you get your information from Infowars and Briebart, people are going to start thinking you're a little deranged
 * 7) Donald Trump: "ZOMG all these people are doing McCarthyism at me, this is evil". President Bannon: "McCarthy was a genius whose only fault was not going far enough"
 * 8) Impeachment was our last hope. No. There is another
 * 9) Nothing like a sitting president threatening a bloodbath if his health care bill doesn't pass
 * 10) Goofy haircut? ✔ Boxy, ill-fitting suits? ✔ Erratic and unstable personality? ✔ Primitive vocabulary? ✔ Hates the country to the south? ✔ Brooks no opposition from underlings? ✔ Thin skin? ✔ Father gave him his career? ✔ Is it Trump or Kim Jong Un?

Impeachment

 * 1) Harvard grad and Constitutional lawyer who clerked for the Supreme Court on Trump's wiretap tweets: "Yeah, he pretty much stepped on his own dick big league, and should be shiatcanned." Well, he said it a little more eloquently, but you get the idea
 * 2) Robert Reich says Trump has given four grounds for impeachment, the fifth coming soon

Article 1, Section 9, Clause 8
Emoluments Clause

Actual Work
=Administration= This section will provide the names and eventual scandals/crimes/general instances of incompetence associated with these assholes for the month of  For the full mess, please visit the archive

General Institutional Fuckery

 * 1) For Trump to have any chance to accomplish any of his goals, he needs the "administrative state" that his puppet master Steve Bannon wants to destroy
 * 2) Trump's entire staff has no clue where he came up with the wiretapping allegations
 * 3) White House attorneys scramble to come up with evidence to back Trump's 'wiretap' claims
 * 4) Here is a summary of TappGate, for those of you struggling to keep up with all the tapps at home
 * 5) White House press release contains a paragraph copied verbatim from an Exxon press release. If everything in The Swamp™ is killed by an oil spill, maybe that still counts?
 * 6) Hey everyone, looks like everything is running smoothly. Trump's tweets speak for themselves
 * 7) We're only 46 days in a perpetual state of crisis and the Trump administration has yet to deal with a major foreign policy challenge
 * 8) 8 tricks for defending Trump on the left. More tricks on the right
 * 9) Apparently Republicans have become Russia's b*tches
 * 10) Could Breitbart grow rogain on Trump? Wait, go rogue on Trump. They need couples therapy
 * 11) Refined Gentleman that he is, President Trump lets it be known via the Twitter machine that he is distempered, nay, downright appalled, at the rudeness and lack of civility the uncouth media is displaying towards his designated liars
 * 12) Beyond outright incompetence - Donald Trump has a plan? CNN thinks so. Maybe it is stored right next to his Healthcare plan, China plan, and Defeat ISIS plan
 * 13) Trump signs executive order asking every department "just what do they do around here?"
 * 14) If you wanted your Decline and Fall of the American Republic in graph form, we've got you covered

Overzealous Staffer(s)

 * 1) White House press release contains a paragraph copied verbatim from an Exxon press release. If everything in The Swamp™ is killed by an oil spill, maybe that still counts?
 * 2) White House claims that Trump's allegations that Obama tapped his phones is evidence of wrongdoing even if it turns out to be false

Open Position(s)

 * 1) at least 46 United States attorneys
 * 2) The purge continues: On a Friday afternoon, Sessions asks for resignation of 46 U.S. attorneys
 * 3) Friday massacre, as Trump abruptly orders 46 Obama era prosecutors to resign, including the US Attorney in Manhattan who handles public corruption cases

Resignations

 * 1) The purge continues: On a Friday afternoon, Sessions asks for resignation of 46 U.S. attorneys
 * 2) Friday massacre, as Trump abruptly orders 46 Obama era prosecutors to resign, including the US Attorney in Manhattan who handles public corruption cases

Vladimir Putin
Russian President and videotape archivist
 * 1) Kremlin: All this talk about how we interfered in your election is really making it difficult for us to be friends again
 * 2) Trouble in paradise: Vlad the Putin orders Russian media to stop chumming it up with Trump

Putin's Posse

 * 1) Sergey Kislyak Russian ambassador to the 2016 U.S. Presidential election and Anything Else Putin Wants
 * 2) Meet Sergey Kislyak, the Russian ambassador at the center of Russiaghazi and Putin's top spy in the US
 * 3) Sergei Lavrov Russian Foreign Minister
 * 4) Russia's foreign minister decries the investigations into the Trump Administration's contacts with Russia using nearly identical language to that which Trump himself used. Dude, you're NOT helping
 * 5) Maria Zakharova Russian Foreign Ministry Spokeswoman
 * 6) It's not every day you get to see Russians run away in panic
 * 7) Dmitry Petrov Putin spokesman
 * 8) Russia to Americans: Calm down sweetheart, you're just being hysterical. Your craziness is hurting our relationship
 * 9) All power to deflector shields
 * 10) RT formerly Russia Today, Russian international television network funded by the Russian government
 * 11) How Russia weaponizes fake news. And no, it doesn't involve dropping Steve Bannon on you from a MiG-29
 * 12) Sputnik a news agency, consisting of websites, radio broadcast service (among others) established by the Russian government-controlled news agency Rossiya Segodnya
 * 13) How Russia weaponizes fake news. And no, it doesn't involve dropping Steve Bannon on you from a MiG-29
 * 14) Boris Epshteyn Assistant Communications Director for Surrogate Operations
 * 15) The guy in charge of getting Trump surrogates interviewed by the various news outlets is so bad at his job that he recently got into a screaming match with the booker from FOX NEWS
 * 16) Dmitry Rybolovlev
 * 17) Hey, here's a question: Why has a Russian oligarch known as "The Fertilizer King" been following Trump around the country? Is it for the steady supply of cheap and plentiful bullshiat? Or is it something more sinister...?
 * 18) Trump claims that he has never met a man who paid him $95 million. Which I totally understand, I've never met a man who'd pay me $95 million either
 * 19) Russian Spies
 * 20) Russian spies offer to help tech companies overcome American spies
 * 21) Konstantin Kilimnik
 * 22) Paul Manafort's protégé? Russian collaborator
 * 23) Guccifer 2.0 distributed and publicized material stolen during hacks of the DNC, prominent Democratic operatives' emails
 * 24) Nothing to see here -- just Trump associates directly communicating with Russian hackers mere weeks before the DNC was hacked
 * 25) Top level Publican fixer, Roger Stone, only had "banal" chats with Guccifer 2.0, the Russian hacker elite. They discussed the weather and Knicks prospects. Yeah, and Subby is just using the giggity tag because there is no Patriot tag

Steve Bannon
White House chief strategist and Lumpy James May, Gentleman Fascist
 * 1) Which is more frightening, the possibility that Sessions used Bannon and Miller to become Attorney General, or the possibility that Bannon and Miller used Attorney General Sessions to become co-Presidents?
 * 2) Are you a legal immigrant? Do you already hold a green card? Well, according to The Chief White House Strategist, and member of the National Security Council, "Legal immigration is the 'real' problem"
 * 3) I'm a Jewish American who worked with Steve Bannon. He is not a racist or an anti-Semite
 * 4) For Trump to have any chance to accomplish any of his goals, he needs the "administrative state" that his puppet master Steve Bannon wants to destroy
 * 5) Donald Trump: "ZOMG all these people are doing McCarthyism at me, this is evil". President Bannon: "McCarthy was a genius whose only fault was not going far enough"
 * 6) Steve Bannon's favorite book is part "Turner Diaries", part "World War Z", and part "The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs"
 * 7) The "Deep State" is just a figment of Steve Bannon's diseased imagination. But that's just what they *want* you to think
 * 8) All in one article, we learn Steve Bannon dodged state taxes by pretending to live in Florida; his Breitbart salary; and his ex-wife's drug dealing boyfriend never watched Breaking Bad. Shoulda checked for 'HDPE' on the tub before dissolving a body

Commissars

 * 1) While Trump had you chasing Russia stories, he quietly hired 400 lobbyists and members of the far-right media as "beachhead teams" to be his eyes and ears at every level of government

Lobbyists

 * 1) While Trump had you chasing Russia stories, he quietly hired 400 lobbyists and members of the far-right media as "beachhead teams" to be his eyes and ears at every level of government
 * 2) Hey, here's a question: Why has a Russian oligarch known as "The Fertilizer King" been following Trump around the country? Is it for the steady supply of cheap and plentiful bullshiat? Or is it something more sinister...?
 * 3) Watchdog group claims that Carl Icahn is lobbying Trump, even though he isn't a registered lobbyist. Icahn: I can do what I want
 * 4) Michael Flynn was a paid lobbyist for a pro Turkish group while working as an advisor for Trump both before and after Trump's election, but it's OK, he's going to "retroactively" file as a foreign agent

Donald Trump, Jr.
America's Uday
 * 1) Donald Trump was paid $50K to speak at pro-Russia event
 * 2) Trump's sons are plotting to leverage their ties established during the campaign

Eric Trump
"I'm Eric!"
 * 1) Trump's sons are plotting to leverage their ties established during the campaign

Strategic Initiatives Group

 * White House think tank created by Bannon and Kushner
 * works on issues of foreign policy decisions and national strategy and security; possibly duplicating the work of the National Security Council
 * members include Sebastian Gorka

Ivanka Trump
"First" Lady

Mike Pence
"Vice" President
 * 1) Pence on healthcare: "No one is going to fall through the cracks." The chasms, yes. But cracks, no
 * 2) ʙᴜᴛ...ʜᴇʀ...ᴇᴍᴀɪʟs
 * 3) File this under "It's totes okay when we do it"
 * 4) Mike Pence says there's no comparison to Clinton on his private email use, as he's a Republican with a penis
 * 5) Vice President Mike Pence demands apology from media for publishing his wife's private email address... which became a matter of public record because Mike Pence used his private email account to conduct government business
 * 6) Reporter: "Mr. Pence, do you believe Trump's claim about Obama wiretapping him, yes or no?" VP Pence: "EVASIVE MANEUVERS, EVASIVE MANEUVERS. ALL POWER TO PORT THRUSTERS AND TRANSFER ALL POWER TO DEFLECTOR SHIELDS"
 * 7) Mike Pence: "I had no knowledge that Michael Flynn was working as a paid lobbyist during the campaign" Elijah Cummings: " Here's the letter I sent you on Nov. 18 warning that Flynn was a paid lobbyist" Pence: "Can I get a smoke bomb over here?"

Jared Kushner
Son-in-law
 * 1) NEW BOMBSHELL: Jared Kushner and Mike Flynn met with the Russians in December
 * 2) Make Chile Great Again
 * 3) What's that, oh it's nothing, just Jared Kushner's family making $400 million because a huge Chinese company is buying one of their buildings at a wildly inflated price on terms ridiculously favorable to the Kushners, nothing to see here, move along

Reince Priebus
Chief of Staff
 * 1) Looks like there's a big-ass bus barreling towards Chief of Staff Reince Priebus. The well-oiled machine is constantly crashing and everyone - including Trump - is starting to point the finger at him

Stephen Miller
Assistant to the President
 * 1) Which is more frightening, the possibility that Sessions used Bannon and Miller to become Attorney General, or the possibility that Bannon and Miller used Attorney General Sessions to become co-Presidents?
 * 2) Who is Stephen Miller, 31 year old senior white house advisor? You mean, besides the next guy to resign because he talked to Russia and lied about it?

Roger Stone
''Top. Advisor.''
 * 1) Roger Stone repeatedly opens mouth, inserts foot on Twitter
 * 2) Top advisor to Donald Trump, Roger Stone, throws his own twitter tantrum, calling JK Rowling a hypocrite, a feminist an ignorant stupid ugly b*tch, then goes on to admit working with Wikileaks and the Russians, then deletes all of the above posts
 * 3) Nothing to see here -- just Trump associates directly communicating with Russian hackers mere weeks before the DNC was hacked
 * 4) Top level Publican fixer, Roger Stone, only had "banal" chats with Guccifer 2.0, the Russian hacker elite. They discussed the weather and Knicks prospects. Yeah, and Subby is just using the giggity tag because there is no Patriot tag

Peter Theil
Advisor to the President
 * 1) Oh, so THAT'S why Peter Thiel supports Donald Trump (Spoiler: it's money.)

Carter Page
American oil industry consultant, foreign policy advisor
 * 1) Former Trump advisor Carter Page also met with the Russian, forcing us to conclude that the entire Trump campaign was doing shots of vodka and planning to invade Finland
 * 2) Trump Campaign Knew

Jerry Falwell
higher education reform task force

Pat Robertson
Advisor to the President in hate-related matters

Pat Buchanan
Oval Office groupie
 * 1) "It doesn't get any better than this," says quivering mound of hate jello Pat Buchanan, who gleefully revels in Donald Trump's reshaping of the Republican party

Richard Spencer
Whiteness Advisor

Supreme Court Nominee Neil Gorsuch

 * 1) Democrats paralyzed as Gorsuch skates. To be fair, his Biellmann spin and stag jump combo earned him a 10.0 from the Ecuadorian judges

Sean Spicer
White House Press Secretary
 * 1) That time Sean Spicer was the White House Easter Bunny
 * 2) Democrats want Sessions to recuse himself. Republicans want Sessions to recuse himself. Sessions is open to recusing himself. So naturally, Sean Spicer thinks you're all bunch of god damned idiot partisan liberals who just hate Trump and America
 * 3) Spicey is almost as good at Twitter as his boss
 * 4) Trump policy on recreational weed seen as major buzzkill, logistical nightmare
 * 5) Watch Spicer get his wires tapped by the press corps at 1:30 EST(audio only today)
 * 6) Spicer will be live on video for his press conference today, this is apparently news as it is not a gaggle nor is it audio only as yesterday's press thing was
 * 7) 8 tricks for defending Trump on the left. More tricks on the right
 * 8) Media reports that Trump is meeting with former rivals in a "charm offensive." Minus the charm
 * 9) Spicer: "Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone." Fox reporter: "No, he didn't" Spicer lackey: "There are multiple reports that Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone"
 * 10) Trumpy Spice: "Every member of the House and Senate will be able to have their opportunity to have amendments (on TrumpCare) offered through the committee process and on the floor," GOP Leadership: The Hell you say
 * 11) Spicy talks about how the giant tax breaks for rich people and higher insurance premiums are good, OK? But you people keep writing your stories to make us look bad
 * 12) White House spokesperson: Trump doesn't know a damn thing
 * 13) The master of understatement Shepard Smith finally snaps on the latest Michael Flynn collusion revelations, barks "There's been a lot of lying." It's just some light treason, right?
 * 14) I knew it. Sean Spicer is being held hostage against his will. After all, nobody could say all those ridiculous things and actually mean them
 * 15) Virtually the entire White House tweets about February's job stats, minutes after the official numbers are released. This is in direct violation of Statistical Policy Directive Number 3, which prohibits Federal employees from doing so
 * 16) WH: It's fine, just fine, nothing to see here. There are no investigations targeting the President, and if there were, we cannot comment on on-going investigations anyway. So there. Nailed it
 * 17) Spicer will finally reveal the wiretapping evidence against Obama- or implode. (Live at 1ish EST)
 * 18) Trump 'doesn't really think' Obama personally tapped his phone. Last five words completely unnecessary
 * 19) The Left's version of O'keefe is low energy, didn't even dress up for this, sad
 * 20) Spicer Says: Trump wants the White House Press pool to decide where he donates his salary. I'm pretty sure they all read Fark so let's give them some suggestions
 * 21) NBC Reporter: "Can we trust that what the President says is real?" Bullshiat Spice: "If he's not joking, of course"
 * 22) Welcome to Politics 2017 - The Year of the Walk Back

Mike Dubke
Communications Director

Kellyanne Conway
Counselor to the President


 * 1) So Trump's lawyers took Conway's illegal plugging of Ivanka's shiat a bit more seriously than Trump did
 * 2) Survivor of the Bowling Green Massacre who lost both her legs responds to powerful photo showing her perched on the Oval Office couch
 * 3) Kellyanne Conway to be suspended without pay for plugging Ivanka's clothing line and if you believed that for even a moment you really haven't been paying attention
 * 4) 8 tricks for defending Trump on the left. More tricks on the right
 * 5) President Trump: Our wonderful new Healthcare Bill is now out for review and negotiation. Kellyanne Conway: TrumpCare? Oh, hell to the no
 * 6) The Uber-conservative National Review "If you want to see political malpractice in action, you don't have to read Donald Trump's latest tweet - just look at the mess Republicans have made of replacing Obamacare"
 * 7) White House: Ethics laws do not apply to the executive branch. U.S. Ethics official: Um, yes they do, dumb asses
 * 8) Human-pug hybrid Kellyanne Conway pulls another alternative fact out of her rectum, says the Trump campaign was monitored in other ways
 * 9) Small appliance expert Kellyanne Conway says she's not sure what was used to spy on Trump campaign, because she's "not inspector Gadget." Yes, that was a quote

Sarah Huckabee Sanders
White House deputy press secretary
 * 1) Spicer: "Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone." Fox reporter: "No, he didn't" Spicer lackey: "There are multiple reports that Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone"

Fox
Propaganda Ministry
 * 1) Fox News was the most-watched cable network for Trump's State of The Confederacy speech
 * 2) Fox News CEO is a little concerned about all the fake news they are creating. How concerned? Fake fake concerned
 * 3) David Bossie former Trump Deputy Campaign Manager
 * 4) Everyone in the Trump campaign was rewarded with appointments they were unqualified for--except for Deputy Campaign Manager David Bossie, who was left in the cold. Probably because he never talked to Russia
 * 5) Fox News won't fact check The Big Cheeto's claim about Obama wiretapping him, but they will "fact check" Obama's denial of it. Bonus: There wasn't any fact checking, it was someone's opinion
 * 6) A minute-by-minute breakdown of two hours of this morning's "Fox & Friends" and President Trump's tweets that soon followed and referenced each story almost verbatim
 * 7) Fox News slams GOP health care reform plan. Yes, THAT Fox News
 * 8) Fox News: Very concerned for your privacy. Well not necessarily yours, but someone's
 * 9) James Rosen, reporter
 * 10) Spicer: "Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone." Fox reporter: "No, he didn't" Spicer lackey: "There are multiple reports that Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone"
 * 11) John Oliver really, really hates Trumpcare and everything the GOP is trying to do with the ACA, so he is again trying to reach Trump by purchasing airtime on Fox & Friends and airing another commercial targeting the DC audience
 * 12) FTFA: In what can be described as journalistic malpractice and a gross dereliction of duty, the alt-left radical propaganda press continues to insist there is some nefarious connection between President Trump and Moscow. Evidence? They don't need any

Fox Jr.(s)

 * 1) Breitbart "News"
 * 2) Sessions was not technically asked if anyone in the Trump campaign talked with the Russians, only what he would do if they had. Therefore it was not perjury when he said no one had communicated with them
 * 3) Mark Levin knows what's up. It's not the possible collusion between Trump and the Russians we should we worried about, it's the fact that President Obama used his power in office to spy on Trump with a view to undermine his Presidency
 * 4) Breitbart mocks globalist WSJ for suggesting it could support Trump if only he got rid of Steve Bannon and Steve Miller
 * 5) Breitbart: Yo WaPo, while Trump's proposal to publish a list of immigrant crimes and their victims does have Nazi overtones, the big difference is that Hitler did it against loyal, legal, law abiding German Jews, not illegal criminals. So, checkmate
 * 6) Breitbart, Steve Bannon's own personal public relations arm, thinks the GOP's ACA replacement is terrible
 * 7) Breitbart begins sharpening some very long knives
 * 8) Microwave catches Paul Ryan throwing Trump under the bus
 * 9) Townhall
 * 10) Watch the liberals. Listen to what they say, because their lies and their slanders are a road map to their plans for the future
 * 11) President Trump nominated for Nobel Peace Prize. He's only been in office a month so the odds are against him, like our president has ever been daunted by the odds
 * 12) Mark Levin, radio host
 * 13) Mark Levin: "There is overwhelming evidence the Obama administration wiretapped Trump before Trump was sworn in as president, and Democrats are trying to cover that up" Press: "What evidence?" Mark Levin: "OVERWHELMING evidence"
 * 14) WikiLeaks
 * 15) Wikileaks is publishing all of Donald's secrets. Wait, it's only 1000s of CIA documents? That's not the same thing? But he's the President. Damn you Obama
 * 16) There's only one common theme in the WikiLeaks and Snowden scandal: Russia always stands to gain
 * 17) Brexit backer and Trump supporter Farage stops by Ecuadorian embassy housing Wikileaks' Julian Assange. Asked by reporters what he was doing there, he replies that he doesn't remember. Not suspicious at all
 * 18) Ann Coulter
 * 19) "Immigrant privilege drives the child rape epidemic." Oh my f*cking God Ann Coulter actually said that line. And wrote an article about it. And believes it. And...Jesus Tapdancing Christ what the fark is wrong with her
 * 20) National Review
 * 21) New York Times wants you to forget one of their narratives. Forget, forget, deep breath now, forget. Please standby to naively accept the next installment
 * 22) Man: "I've yet to read anything positive about this healthcare bill". Woman: "Try going 2 a conservative source and open up your reading habits". Man: "I'm the editor of National Review Online"
 * 23) New York Daily News
 * 24) I'm sure it's just a coincidence, but, the New York Daily News, America's paper of opposition to Donald Trump before the election, has changed their tone with President "no press access to haters" Trump
 * 25) Matt Drudge
 * 26) Clammy porcelain Republican kingmaker Matt Drudge says he now wants his vote back because Republicans haven't abolished the concept of taxes yet

Alex Jones
"journalist"
 * 1) The most Fark ready headline that has ever been Fark ready: "Goddamn it, Alex Jones has taken his shirt off again" (WARNING: Alex Jones is shirtless in TFA) (a lot)

Michael Flynn (ret.)
former National Security Adviser
 * 1) NEW BOMBSHELL: Jared Kushner and Mike Flynn met with the Russians in December
 * 2) Michael Flynn was a paid lobbyist for a pro Turkish group while working as an advisor for Trump both before and after Trump's election, but it's OK, he's going to "retroactively" file as a foreign agent
 * 3) White House spokesperson: Trump doesn't know a damn thing
 * 4) The master of understatement Shepard Smith finally snaps on the latest Michael Flynn collusion revelations, barks "There's been a lot of lying." It's just some light treason, right?
 * 5) Mike Pence: "I had no knowledge that Michael Flynn was working as a paid lobbyist during the campaign" Elijah Cummings: " Here's the letter I sent you on Nov. 18 warning that Flynn was a paid lobbyist" Pence: "Can I get a smoke bomb over here?"

H.R. McMaster
National Security Advisor
 * 1) McMaster to NSC: You know what, it'll be like that Flynn guy never happened

Robert Mercer
billionaire, donor
 * 1) News: Turns out Conservatives were right, there is a mysterious billionaire spending millions around the world to implement his nefarious agenda. Fark: He is also conservative and had a hand in Brexit and Trump's victory

Paul Manafort
former Trump campaign manager
 * 1) Paul Manafort's protégé? Russian collaborator
 * 2) Paul Manafort's daughter sends out text message bragging about the people her father had killed

Stefan Passantino
White House ethics lawyer
 * 1) So Trump's lawyers took Conway's illegal plugging of Ivanka's shiat a bit more seriously than Trump did

David Apol
''Top. Lawyer. Office of Government Ethics''
 * 1) So Trump's lawyers took Conway's illegal plugging of Ivanka's shiat a bit more seriously than Trump did

Walter Shaub
Director, Office of Government Ethics
 * 1) So Trump's lawyers took Conway's illegal plugging of Ivanka's shiat a bit more seriously than Trump did
 * 2) White House: Ethics laws do not apply to the executive branch. U.S. Ethics official: Um, yes they do, dumb asses

Cabinet, Secretaries, Assorted Agencies and Department Heads
For the full mess, please visit the archive

General

 * 1) It's Monday, so you know what that means: Trump's own agencies have told him that he's wrong about his weekend conspiracy rant, but he doesn't care and still believes his own derp
 * 2) "Although the law provides a great deal of leeway for political speech, that protection is not all encompassing. And because of the way Trump has leveled unsubstantiated accusations at Obama, he may have libeled his predecessor"

Nominees

 * 1) New Guy, Labor Nominee
 * 2) Palin, Ambassador to Canada Nominee Threat
 * 3) Verma, Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) administrator Nominee
 * 4) Carson for HUD
 * 5) Senate confirms Ben Carson as secretary of HUD. Current plans are to inform him when he wakes up
 * 6) Perry for Energy
 * 7) Rick Perry officially confirmed as Secretary of... uh... Secretary of... wait I had something for this
 * 8) Ross for Commerce
 * 9) Trump's choice for Commerce Secretary holds a top post with a mysterious, Russian-controlled Cyprus bank

Department of Homeland Security

 * 1) Remember the memo from Homeland Security that said country of origin is an unreliable indicator of terrorist threat to US so Muslim ban unlikely to work? Well, they still think it's crap, and said most US based terrorists are radicalized while in US
 * 2) Have flood insurance? Congratulations, you're now paying for the border wall

Director of the Department of Homeland Security

 * 1) Headline: "DHS head: Trump has 'convincing' wiretap proof". Story: DHS head, who apparently was in a coma for the last year, says that since Trump made that claim, he MUST have some pretty good evidence; he wouldn't just make something like that up
 * 2) Illegal border crossings decrease by 40% in February as Mexico learns what it's like to share a border with a third-world hellhole

ICE
Immigration and Customs Enforcement
 * 1) ICE is now arresting any illegal immigrant who speaks in public as part of a "targeted immigration enforcement action"
 * 2) Today ICE's crack goon squad made America safer by arresting a man who has lived in this country for more than 20 years, while he was taking his daughter to school, because he had a ten-year old DUI and a busted registration sticker 20 years ago

Secretary of Defense

 * 1) Defense Secretary Mad Dog is willing to punch Bannon, Priebus and Kushner in the face to get the staff he wants at DoD
 * 2) Democrats are suddenly concerned about the price of Presidential trips

Department of Justice

 * 1) Jefferson Beauregard Sessions dismisses Justice Dept reports on Chicago and Ferguson police as "anecdotal". Or so he heard; he admits he didn't actually read them
 * 2) FBI Director Comey asks Justice Department to publicly call BS on Trump's wiretapping claim
 * 3) AG Sessions: "Khorosho, ya sdelayu vse, chto vozmozhno, chtoby vosstanovit' nezavisimost' i professionalizm Ministerstva yustitsii"
 * 4) Friday massacre, as Trump abruptly orders 46 Obama era prosecutors to resign, including the US Attorney in Manhattan who handles public corruption cases
 * 5) The purge continues: On a Friday afternoon, Sessions asks for resignation of 46 U.S. attorneys
 * 6) House Intelligence Committee requests that Trump FW:FW:FW:FW:FW: over his evidence of wiretapping by Monday
 * 7) House Intelligence Committee set today as the deadline for Trump to provide evidence he was the victim of an Obama "wiretapp." Will Trump follow through? What will happen if he fails to provide the evidence? Either way, things will get crazy today
 * 8) Trump 'doesn't really think' Obama personally tapped his phone. Last five words completely unnecessary
 * 9) Ol' Jeff Sessions gonna find it tougher than wrestlin' a greased polecat to keep all his high falutin' promises about fighting crime if Mars Trump continues being stingier than a Baptist preacher in a liquor store wit dat Justice Dept budget money
 * 10) Obviously, the reason no one can find any evidence that Obama ordered Trump wiretapped is because he asked James Bond to do it
 * 11) Donald Trump just became Hillary Clinton's email ally

Attorney General

 * 1) Jefferson Beauregard Sessions dismisses Justice Dept reports on Chicago and Ferguson police as "anecdotal". Or so he heard; he admits he didn't actually read them
 * 2) Which is more frightening, the possibility that Sessions used Bannon and Miller to become Attorney General, or the possibility that Bannon and Miller used Attorney General Sessions to become co-Presidents?
 * 3) Jeff Sessions plans on pooping on everyone's party
 * 4) Confederate States of America signs non-aggression pact with Russia
 * 5) Dems to Sessions: GTFO
 * 6) And.... Here.... We... Go
 * 7) Jeff Sessions calls for own removal from office
 * 8) What exactly did Jeff Sessions say to the Russian ambassador and when did he know it?
 * 9) And now we have a running list of people demanding Jefferson Beauregard Sessions resign and leave the Confederacy in disgrace after it was revealed he spoke with Russia illegally
 * 10) Foxnews: Full Power to Deflector Shields
 * 11) Sessions was not technically asked if anyone in the Trump campaign talked with the Russians, only what he would do if they had. Therefore it was not perjury when he said no one had communicated with them
 * 12) Well that didn't take long, Trump administration goes from defending Sessions as a victim of a partisan witch hunt to "hey, we didn't know he met with Russians until we turned on the TV this morning". Oh, Beauregard, we hardly knew ye
 * 13) AG Sessions to hold press conference at 4pm Eastern, presumably to tell us that he did not have relations with that country. Or that he did. Either way, grab the popcorn, and here we go, again
 * 14) And Jeff recuses
 * 15) Trump has "total confidence" in Jeff Sessions. Sorry, Jeff
 * 16) A timeline of Jeff Sessions' relationship with the Trump campaign and his own conversations with Russian officials
 * 17) Hey, guess who was all hawkish about the Russian threat until he got himself stitched into the Trump human centipede and started perjuring up a storm?
 * 18) Good thing Trump's campaign funds didn't pay for Sessions's visit with Rus--oh
 * 19) Sorry Dems, the whole Jeff Sessions gig you've got going is nothing but fake news
 * 20) And here it is. The stupidest thing you will read all day
 * 21) Adam Schiff says that Session' explanations for his meetings with the Russian ambassador "make no sense"; tells Jack McCoy to have detectives Briscoe and Green bring him in and go over his statements again
 * 22) Sen. Franken: Lies, and the perjured Jeff Sessions who tells them
 * 23) Sessions: I never met with the Russians. Okay, I met with the Russian ambassador twice. Did I say twice? Sorry, I meant three times. My bad
 * 24) AG Sessions: "Khorosho, ya sdelayu vse, chto vozmozhno, chtoby vosstanovit' nezavisimost' i professionalizm Ministerstva yustitsii"
 * 25) In what is surely pure coincidence, AG Sessions has followed up last week's memo rescinding the federal policy ending the use of private for-profit prisons, with one suggesting he wants prosecutors to again seek maximum sentences for drug offenses
 * 26) The purge continues: On a Friday afternoon, Sessions asks for resignation of 46 U.S. attorneys
 * 27) U.S. Attorney Bharara to President Trump: "I won't resign. I want your Keebler Elf to fire me" UPDATE: Elf obliged
 * 28) Elijah Cummings says there might be a connection between Bharara's firing and the ongoing Trump investigation. Time to bust out the "well duh" images
 * 29) Fired U.S. Attorney for New York Preet Bharara sends out a Tweet that STRONGLY suggests that he was investigating Trump when he was fired
 * 30) There are indications that Jeff Sessions did not know his own attorneys were about to be fired
 * 31) Gov. Chris Christie victim blames all the recently fired U.S. attorneys. "They received notice that they were leaving office. That notice was given to them by the people of the country on November 8, when they elected a Republican president"
 * 32) Trump's prosecutorial purge will harm the GOP in the long run
 * 33) Ol' Jeff Sessions gonna find it tougher than wrestlin' a greased polecat to keep all his high falutin' promises about fighting crime if Mars Trump continues being stingier than a Baptist preacher in a liquor store wit dat Justice Dept budget money

FBI
Federal Bureau of Investigation
 * 1) FBI and NSA called to testify on Trump-Russia investigation. CIA was going to be called, but thanks to Wikileaks, Congress already knows what CIA was going to say anyway
 * 2) FBI continues investigating the "odd" cyber link between a Russian bank and Trump's corporate holdings
 * 3) The FBI is fully cooperating with the Russia investigation

Director of the FBI

 * 1) Democrats are finally realizing that Comey knows quite a bit more about Russia and Trump than he's letting on
 * 2) FBI Director Comey asks Justice Department to publicly call BS on Trump's wiretapping claim
 * 3) FBI Director Comey doesn't want to stay under the bus OR fall on his sword for Trump
 * 4) Trump hasn't even bothered to ask his FBI director to verify his Obama wiretap claims. Smartest president ever, don'cha know, just bigly yuuugely smart I'm telling yaz
 * 5) Comey: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Privacy? What the hell is that?

Department of Education

 * 1) House okays using taxpayer money for Islamic schools

Secretary of Education

 * 1) Trump, Devos, Rick Scott visiting Orlando Catholic school to: A) push school choice; B) start drive to end free public schools; or C) perform Three Stooges short
 * 2) Congress votes to repeal rules that would hold school systems accountable for student performance, because that would REALLY fark up Betsy Devos' plan to outsource the public school system to Bob's Bait Shop and Institute of Jesusological studies

Treasury Secretary

 * 1) Oh, look, Steven Mnuchin just wrote the letter begging Congress to raise the debt ceiling so America doesn't default. Let's see if Republicans are still as opposed to it as they were when Obama was president

EPA
Environmental Protection Agency
 * 1) Trumps plans on slashing the EPA budget for Great Lakes pollution cleanup by 97% because who needs to keep largest supply of liquid fresh water on the planet clean
 * 2) EPA Office of Science and Technology Policy deletes "science" from its science mission statement, replaces it with "technologically achievable"
 * 3) Trump's EPA looking to kill the law that led to unleaded gasoline and catalytic converters
 * 4) EPA head: Meh, what's a little chemical spill between friends?

Director of the EPA

 * 1) If there are any Trump cabinet members who DIDN'T lie under oath during their confirmation hearings, please stand up. Not so fast there, Scott Pruitt
 * 2) EPA chief Scott Pruitt says carbon dioxide is not a primary contributor to global warming. That is all
 * 3) Scott Pruitt, new head of the EPA, just comes right out and says what we all know he believes: climate change is not happening and if it were it is most definitely not being caused by people
 * 4) Science. Huh. Good God, y'all. What is it good for? Absolutely nothin'. Love, Scott Pruitt
 * 5) EPA head: Meh, what's a little chemical spill between friends?

Secretary of HUD

 * 1) Ben Carson: Slaves were immigrants who dreamed of a better life
 * 2) There weren't any MFing immigrants on the MFing slave ships
 * 3) For a renowned surgeon, Ben Carson sure can't surgically remove that foot from his mouth
 * 4) Guess who else called slaves immigrants... Oh how the outrage was

National Parks Service

 * 1) National Park Service releases hundreds of ground and arial photographs of President Trump's inauguration and yup, looks like we can expect an incoming tweet storm

Secretary of the Interior

 * 1) When the nation's new Secretary of the Interior hails from Montana, you know he's going to arrive for his first day of work on a horse
 * 2) Last minute Obama lead ammo ban lasts roughly one minute

IRS
Internal Revenue Service
 * 1) IRS budget cuts mean there are not enough agents for tax audits. America is great again

Commerce Department

 * 1) NOAA to be gutted under Trump. Because who needs accurate weather forecasts, hurricane warnings, and current information on lightning strikes

FCC
Federal Communications Commission
 * 1) Privacy, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing. GOP wants to do away with FCC's entire privacy rulemaking to allow ISPs to sell your entire browsing history to advertisers or other third parties without your consent
 * 2) And there it is, the stupidest comment on net neutrality you've heard all day

OMB
Office of Management & Budget
 * 1) Have flood insurance? Congratulations, you're now paying for the border wall
 * 2) Trump White House on CBO report on Trumpcare: unbelievable, fake news. Our own analysis shows that by 2026 twice as many Americans will lose health insurance as the CBO report. So there

Director of the OMB

 * 1) Trump tries, fails to be Presidential. This is not a repeat from every hour of every day for the past 47 days
 * 2) President Trump (R) in January:"There will be health insurance for everybody. Much less expensive than Obamacare and much better." White House Budget Director Mulvaney (R) in March:"Insurance for ordinary people is not really the end goal"
 * 3) Trump administration makes up an accusation against Obama with zero proof offered. Shockingly, this is not a repeat of the last 20,343 times this has happened

The Fed
the Federal Reserve
 * 1) The Fed won't release any documents on its relationship with the Reptilians
 * 2) Political control over the Fed is inevitable. Which means the inflationary spiral that the Fed was put in place to prevent is also inevitable

CIA

 * 1) Newly declassified documents show that it's not just fake news, it's the CIA's news
 * 2) Wikileaks is publishing all of Donald's secrets. Wait, it's only 1000s of CIA documents? That's not the same thing? But he's the President. Damn you Obama
 * 3) So the CIA stole Russian hacking software to make it look like the Russians were hacking people when it was really the CIA. So was the CIA the real DNC email hacker?
 * 4) There's only one common theme in the WikiLeaks and Snowden scandal: Russia always stands to gain
 * 5) Sen. Murphy says what many of us are thinking, Wikileaks timing for releasing this info on the CIA is suspiciously timed, almost as if they were trying to deflect attention from something else, but what could that be?
 * 6) White House finally responds to growing questions about Wikileaks CIA dump, Trump's wiretap accusation and connections to Russia...by canceling all press events
 * 7) Thanks to Trump, the CIA can conduct drone strikes in secret

No Such Agency

 * 1) Mathematicians are fleeing the NSA because Trump
 * 2) FBI and NSA called to testify on Trump-Russia investigation. CIA was going to be called, but thanks to Wikileaks, Congress already knows what CIA was going to say anyway

Ambassador to Russia

 * 1) Putin taps Jon Huntsman as ambassador from US

UN Ambassador for Food and Agriculture

 * 1) Brownback catches last chopper outta Saigon...er....Kansas

State Department

 * 1) State Department now in hospice care
 * 2) State Department cancels first scheduled press briefing of the month. Oh, I'm sorry, did I say month? I meant "of the Trump administration", because there hasn't been one since Obama's last day in office
 * 3) So, has anyone else noticed that the handicapping of the State Department that President Trump has engaged in, benefits Russia and Putin tremendously?
 * 4) The "Deep State" is just a figment of Steve Bannon's diseased imagination. But that's just what they *want* you to think
 * 5) Tillerson backs out of Keystone Pipeline review, eliminating one of his conflicts of interest, leaving him with only 1,395,025
 * 6) Meh, we didn't need those Afghans who helped U.S. forces despite risk to life and limb anyways

Secretary of State

 * 1) So what happened to all this worry that Tillerson was going to sell off chunks of Ukraine to Russia for some of that sweet sweet oil money? Probably would help if he showed up to work once in awhile
 * 2) Tillerson backs out of Keystone Pipeline review, eliminating one of his conflicts of interest, leaving him with only 1,395,025
 * 3) Rex Tillerson may not be a firm believer in Climate Change, but his intra-company alias Wayne Tracker believed that it was about to get hot enough to pop popcorn on the sidewalk

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