Drumpfster Fire Advisors & Agencies

General Institutional Fuckery

 * 1) For Trump to have any chance to accomplish any of his goals, he needs the "administrative state" that his puppet master Steve Bannon wants to destroy
 * 2) Trump's entire staff has no clue where he came up with the wiretapping allegations
 * 3) White House attorneys scramble to come up with evidence to back Trump's 'wiretap' claims
 * 4) Here is a summary of TappGate, for those of you struggling to keep up with all the tapps at home
 * 5) White House press release contains a paragraph copied verbatim from an Exxon press release. If everything in The Swamp™ is killed by an oil spill, maybe that still counts?
 * 6) Hey everyone, looks like everything is running smoothly. Trump's tweets speak for themselves
 * 7) We're only 46 days in a perpetual state of crisis and the Trump administration has yet to deal with a major foreign policy challenge
 * 8) 8 tricks for defending Trump on the left. More tricks on the right
 * 9) Apparently Republicans have become Russia's b*tches
 * 10) Could Breitbart grow rogain on Trump? Wait, go rogue on Trump. They need couples therapy
 * 11) Refined Gentleman that he is, President Trump lets it be known via the Twitter machine that he is distempered, nay, downright appalled, at the rudeness and lack of civility the uncouth media is displaying towards his designated liars
 * 12) Beyond outright incompetence - Donald Trump has a plan? CNN thinks so. Maybe it is stored right next to his Healthcare plan, China plan, and Defeat ISIS plan
 * 13) Trump signs executive order asking every department "just what do they do around here?"
 * 14) If you wanted your Decline and Fall of the American Republic in graph form, we've got you covered
 * 15) Paranoia seizes Trump's White House. This is not a repeat from Jan 20th, 21st, 22nd, 23rd etc
 * 16) Trump's agenda hinges on the fate of Trumpscare
 * 17) Mulvaney: "We can't ask a coal miner to pay for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting." This story brought to you by the letters 'W,' 'T' and 'F'
 * 18) Trump treats his staff as horribly as he treats everyone else. Film at 11
 * 19) West Wing 'chaos' as Trump seems 'hellbent on squandering' any gains by his administration: report
 * 20) It appears that someone is blowing smoke up the White House's arse with some crazy theory about smog
 * 21) By order of Secretary Spicer, Paul Manafort is/was no longer the former Chairman of the Trump campaign but "Someone who played a very limited role for a very limited time". Please consign all non-conforming information to the nearest Memory Hole
 * 22) The age of open government is ending
 * 23) For all their denunciations of 'fake news,' the Trump administration has become a leading purveyor of it, and most of that seems to come to them via Moscow

Overzealous Staffer(s)

 * 1) White House press release contains a paragraph copied verbatim from an Exxon press release. If everything in The Swamp™ is killed by an oil spill, maybe that still counts?
 * 2) White House claims that Trump's allegations that Obama tapped his phones is evidence of wrongdoing even if it turns out to be false
 * 3) Trump's favorite Irish proverb is neither
 * 4) Sarcasm-illiterate (or actually illiterate) Trump press staffers include link to parody article skewering budget proposal in official daily briefing

Open Position(s)

 * 1) at least 46 United States attorneys
 * 2) The purge continues: On a Friday afternoon, Sessions asks for resignation of 46 U.S. attorneys
 * 3) Friday massacre, as Trump abruptly orders 46 Obama era prosecutors to resign, including the US Attorney in Manhattan who handles public corruption cases
 * 4) Commissar for Media Relations
 * 1) Commissar for Media Relations

Resignations

 * 1) The purge continues: On a Friday afternoon, Sessions asks for resignation of 46 U.S. attorneys
 * 2) Friday massacre, as Trump abruptly orders 46 Obama era prosecutors to resign, including the US Attorney in Manhattan who handles public corruption cases

New Hires

 * 1) James Donovan Deputy Treasury Secretary
 * 2) You may as well call him President Midas, because everything he touches turns to Goldman
 * 3) David Malpass Undersecretary of Treasury for international affairs
 * 4) Trump's hiring the Bear Stearns economist who promised the economy was fine right before it went bankrupt
 * 5) Seema Verma Medicaid Administrator
 * 6) The problem with Medicaid expansion is that it expanded Medicaid says the new director of Medicaid expansively
 * 7) Patrick M. Shanahan Deputy Secretary of Defense
 * 8) In further draining of the swamp, Trump admin nominates Boeing exec for Pentagon's deputy in charge of buying big flying things that go shooty

Vladimir Putin
Russian President and videotape archivist
 * 1) Kremlin: All this talk about how we interfered in your election is really making it difficult for us to be friends again
 * 2) Trouble in paradise: Vlad the Putin orders Russian media to stop chumming it up with Trump
 * 3) "Is Russiagate just a conspiracy theory?" If the headline ends in a question
 * 4) For all their denunciations of 'fake news,' the Trump administration has become a leading purveyor of it, and most of that seems to come to them via Moscow
 * 5) Tillerson to skip parent-teacher conference in lieu of hanging out with his best friend during school hours
 * 6) Minor unpaid Trump volunteer Paul Manafort was paid millions to push pro-Putin policy in US and Europe for the last decade
 * 7) Paul Manafort Drafted a Plan in 2005 to Influence American and European Politics for Putin's Benefit, which incidentally is how we ended up with Trump as President

Putin's Posse

 * 1) Sergey Kislyak Russian ambassador to the 2016 U.S. Presidential election and Anything Else Putin Wants
 * 2) Meet Sergey Kislyak, the Russian ambassador at the center of Russiaghazi and Putin's top spy in the US
 * 3) Sergei Lavrov Russian Foreign Minister
 * 4) Russia's foreign minister decries the investigations into the Trump Administration's contacts with Russia using nearly identical language to that which Trump himself used. Dude, you're NOT helping
 * 5) Maria Zakharova Russian Foreign Ministry Spokeswoman
 * 6) It's not every day you get to see Russians run away in panic
 * 7) Dmitry Petrov Putin spokesman
 * 8) Russia to Americans: Calm down sweetheart, you're just being hysterical. Your craziness is hurting our relationship
 * 9) All power to deflector shields
 * 10) Dmitry Peskov Vladimir Putin's press secretary
 * 11) All power to deflector shields
 * 12) RT formerly Russia Today, Russian international television network funded by the Russian government
 * 13) How Russia weaponizes fake news. And no, it doesn't involve dropping Steve Bannon on you from a MiG-29
 * 14) Sputnik a news agency, consisting of websites, radio broadcast service (among others) established by the Russian government-controlled news agency Rossiya Segodnya
 * 15) How Russia weaponizes fake news. And no, it doesn't involve dropping Steve Bannon on you from a MiG-29
 * 16) Boris Epshteyn Assistant Communications Director for Surrogate Operations
 * 17) The guy in charge of getting Trump surrogates interviewed by the various news outlets is so bad at his job that he recently got into a screaming match with the booker from FOX NEWS
 * 18) Dmitry Rybolovlev
 * 19) Hey, here's a question: Why has a Russian oligarch known as "The Fertilizer King" been following Trump around the country? Is it for the steady supply of cheap and plentiful bullshiat? Or is it something more sinister...?
 * 20) Trump claims that he has never met a man who paid him $95 million. Which I totally understand, I've never met a man who'd pay me $95 million either
 * 21) Russian oligarch who purchased Trump's Palm Beach mansion for way above market price, admits his plane and Trump's shared a tarmac in North Carolina days before the election, but totally did not meet or anything, trust him
 * 22) Russian Spies
 * 23) Russian spies offer to help tech companies overcome American spies
 * 24) Konstantin Kilimnik
 * 25) Paul Manafort's protégé? Russian collaborator
 * 26) Guccifer 2.0 distributed and publicized material stolen during hacks of the DNC, prominent Democratic operatives' emails
 * 27) Nothing to see here -- just Trump associates directly communicating with Russian hackers mere weeks before the DNC was hacked
 * 28) Top level Publican fixer, Roger Stone, only had "banal" chats with Guccifer 2.0, the Russian hacker elite. They discussed the weather and Knicks prospects. Yeah, and Subby is just using the giggity tag because there is no Patriot tag
 * 29) Viktor Yanukovych disgraced Ukranian president-Russian puppet, leader of the "Party of Regions"
 * 30) New documents show that former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort laundered payments from pro-Putin Ukrainian party. Dripski. Dripski. Dripski
 * 31) Vadim Trincher model tenant, Trump Tower
 * 32) The Trump Tower...you'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy
 * 33) Oleg Deripaska Russian aluminum magnate, close Putin ally
 * 34) Paul Manafort Drafted a Plan in 2005 to Influence American and European Politics for Putin's Benefit, which incidentally is how we ended up with Trump as President
 * 35) Trump: Manawho? Never heard of him

Steve Bannon
White House chief strategist and Lumpy James May, Gentleman Fascist
 * 1) Which is more frightening, the possibility that Sessions used Bannon and Miller to become Attorney General, or the possibility that Bannon and Miller used Attorney General Sessions to become co-Presidents?
 * 2) Are you a legal immigrant? Do you already hold a green card? Well, according to The Chief White House Strategist, and member of the National Security Council, "Legal immigration is the 'real' problem"
 * 3) I'm a Jewish American who worked with Steve Bannon. He is not a racist or an anti-Semite
 * 4) For Trump to have any chance to accomplish any of his goals, he needs the "administrative state" that his puppet master Steve Bannon wants to destroy
 * 5) Donald Trump: "ZOMG all these people are doing McCarthyism at me, this is evil". President Bannon: "McCarthy was a genius whose only fault was not going far enough"
 * 6) Steve Bannon's favorite book is part "Turner Diaries", part "World War Z", and part "The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs"
 * 7) The "Deep State" is just a figment of Steve Bannon's diseased imagination. But that's just what they *want* you to think
 * 8) All in one article, we learn Steve Bannon dodged state taxes by pretending to live in Florida; his Breitbart salary; and his ex-wife's drug dealing boyfriend never watched Breaking Bad. Shoulda checked for 'HDPE' on the tub before dissolving a body
 * 9) Trump proves he is that boss who, even when he accidentally hires someone who might be good at their job, manages to screw it up by meddling and micromanaging. Unfortunately, he does this with national security, too
 * 10) Dude, you might not believe this but Trump nutter Steve Bannon was once a Deadhead
 * 11) Trump puppetmaster Steve Bannon is a fan of notorious French anti-semite philosopher, because of course he is
 * 12) Perhaps Steve Bannon has suffered some heartbreaking personal tragedy? An event so jarring, it shook him to his core, and left him vulnerable to the predatory recruitment tactics of a hateful ideology? Or, maybe he's just an asshole

Commissars

 * 1) While Trump had you chasing Russia stories, he quietly hired 400 lobbyists and members of the far-right media as "beachhead teams" to be his eyes and ears at every level of government
 * 2) Independent Journal Review founded by former Republican party staffers Alex Skatell and Phil Musser in 2012
 * 3) Tillerson is traveling Asia with only one journalist, totally not a right wing hack from the Independent Journal Review, founded by conservatives in 2012. So, expect some enlightening coverage from this genius
 * 4) Nothing to see here, just the administration placing aides in government agencies to monitor for loyalty to the President
 * 5) America First Policies "capture all people who believe in the Trump agenda"
 * Rick Gates, former deputy campaign manager
 * Brad Parscale, Trump's digital and data director
 * Nick Ayers, Pence campaign advisor
 * Marty Obst, Pence campaign advisor
 * David Bossie
 * Katrina Pierson
 * Katrina Pierson

Lobbyists

 * 1) While Trump had you chasing Russia stories, he quietly hired 400 lobbyists and members of the far-right media as "beachhead teams" to be his eyes and ears at every level of government
 * 2) Hey, here's a question: Why has a Russian oligarch known as "The Fertilizer King" been following Trump around the country? Is it for the steady supply of cheap and plentiful bullshiat? Or is it something more sinister...?
 * 3) Watchdog group claims that Carl Icahn is lobbying Trump, even though he isn't a registered lobbyist. Icahn: I can do what I want
 * 4) Michael Flynn was a paid lobbyist for a pro Turkish group while working as an advisor for Trump both before and after Trump's election, but it's OK, he's going to "retroactively" file as a foreign agent
 * 5) Trump campaign chief turned Lobbyist Corey Lewandowski is raising money for a PAC designed to help "drain the swamp" and fight corruption in Washington. Man, who would've expected him to turn on his former boss like that?

Silicon Valley Entreprenuers

 * 1) President Trump: brought to you by the same people who unleashed knock-off fart apps on the world
 * 2) Today we learn how the revolving door between the government and Amazon.com use your tax dollars, make Bezos a happy guy

Donald Trump, Jr.
America's Uday
 * 1) Donald Trump was paid $50K to speak at pro-Russia event
 * 2) Trump's sons are plotting to leverage their ties established during the campaign
 * 3) Donald Trump Jr. goes on Twitter rant about fake news after Rachel Maddow unveiled his father's very real tax returns
 * 4) Eric and Donald Jr. run daddy's businesses and are continually Tweeting about his policies while trying desperately not to violate various ethics laws. More than they already have
 * 5) Donald Trump Jr. takes to Twitter to insult the Mayor of London over terrorist attack. I'm beginning to think there's a nature, not nurture thing going on here
 * 6) Don Trump Jr praised Jimmy Fallon for not being "vicious and pushing a political agenda like everyone else on TV." Wait, who does that?

Eric Trump
"I'm Eric!"
 * 1) Trump's sons are plotting to leverage their ties established during the campaign
 * 2) Eric and Donald Jr. run daddy's businesses and are continually Tweeting about his policies while trying desperately not to violate various ethics laws. More than they already have

Strategic Initiatives Group

 * White House think tank created by Bannon and Kushner
 * works on issues of foreign policy decisions and national strategy and security; possibly duplicating the work of the National Security Council
 * members include Sebastian Gorka

Ivanka Trump
"First" Lady
 * 1) The liberal voice of the Trump administration has had her mouth sewn shut. Thanks, dad
 * 2) Questions on Ivanka Trump products can now be sent to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. -- and that includes classified data too

Mike Pence
"Vice" President
 * 1) Pence on healthcare: "No one is going to fall through the cracks." The chasms, yes. But cracks, no
 * 2) ʙᴜᴛ...ʜᴇʀ...ᴇᴍᴀɪʟs
 * 3) File this under "It's totes okay when we do it"
 * 4) Mike Pence says there's no comparison to Clinton on his private email use, as he's a Republican with a penis
 * 5) Vice President Mike Pence demands apology from media for publishing his wife's private email address... which became a matter of public record because Mike Pence used his private email account to conduct government business
 * 6) Reporter: "Mr. Pence, do you believe Trump's claim about Obama wiretapping him, yes or no?" VP Pence: "EVASIVE MANEUVERS, EVASIVE MANEUVERS. ALL POWER TO PORT THRUSTERS AND TRANSFER ALL POWER TO DEFLECTOR SHIELDS"
 * 7) Mike Pence: "I had no knowledge that Michael Flynn was working as a paid lobbyist during the campaign" Elijah Cummings: " Here's the letter I sent you on Nov. 18 warning that Flynn was a paid lobbyist" Pence: "Can I get a smoke bomb over here?"
 * 8) Mike Pence to get "World's 2nd Best Boss" mug

Jared Kushner
Son-in-law
 * 1) NEW BOMBSHELL: Jared Kushner and Mike Flynn met with the Russians in December
 * 2) Make Chile Great Again
 * 3) What's that, oh it's nothing, just Jared Kushner's family making $400 million because a huge Chinese company is buying one of their buildings at a wildly inflated price on terms ridiculously favorable to the Kushners, nothing to see here, move along
 * 4) Trump proves he is that boss who, even when he accidentally hires someone who might be good at their job, manages to screw it up by meddling and micromanaging. Unfortunately, he does this with national security, too
 * 5) Shortly after a Chinese government-connected corporation brokered a NYC real estate deal that netted Jared Kushner $400 million because of its ridiculously favorable terms, the head of Chinese Intelligence front buys a $15 mil condo in Trump Towers

Reince Priebus
Chief of Staff
 * 1) Looks like there's a big-ass bus barreling towards Chief of Staff Reince Priebus. The well-oiled machine is constantly crashing and everyone - including Trump - is starting to point the finger at him
 * 2) It's always a good sign when your boss starts telling reporters what your next job could be
 * 3) Trump treats his staff as horribly as he treats everyone else. Film at 11

Stephen Miller
Assistant to the President
 * 1) Which is more frightening, the possibility that Sessions used Bannon and Miller to become Attorney General, or the possibility that Bannon and Miller used Attorney General Sessions to become co-Presidents?
 * 2) Who is Stephen Miller, 31 year old senior white house advisor? You mean, besides the next guy to resign because he talked to Russia and lied about it?

Roger Stone
''Top. Advisor.''
 * 1) Roger Stone repeatedly opens mouth, inserts foot on Twitter
 * 2) Top advisor to Donald Trump, Roger Stone, throws his own twitter tantrum, calling JK Rowling a hypocrite, a feminist an ignorant stupid ugly b*tch, then goes on to admit working with Wikileaks and the Russians, then deletes all of the above posts
 * 3) Nothing to see here -- just Trump associates directly communicating with Russian hackers mere weeks before the DNC was hacked
 * 4) Top level Publican fixer, Roger Stone, only had "banal" chats with Guccifer 2.0, the Russian hacker elite. They discussed the weather and Knicks prospects. Yeah, and Subby is just using the giggity tag because there is no Patriot tag
 * 5) Adorable Trump operative Roger Stone thinks he's important enough to be targeted for assassination
 * 6) Trump allies Roger Stone and Paul Manafort both wanted for questioning in Russia investigations

Sebastian v. Gorka
Deputy assistant to President, counter-terrorism advisor
 * 1) Well of course Trump's counterterrorism expert is a member of a Nazi group

Peter Theil
Advisor to the President
 * 1) Oh, so THAT'S why Peter Thiel supports Donald Trump (Spoiler: it's money.)

Carter Page
American oil industry consultant, foreign policy advisor
 * 1) Former Trump advisor Carter Page also met with the Russian, forcing us to conclude that the entire Trump campaign was doing shots of vodka and planning to invade Finland
 * 2) Trump Campaign Knew
 * 3) KellyAnne Conway: Donald Trump doesn't know who Carter Page is

Michael Cohen
President's personal lawyer
 * 1) Trump attorney challenges Scarborough to prove Trump team is behind tax leak, because proof is something everyone else has to provide

Jerry Falwell
higher education reform task force

Pat Robertson
Advisor to the President in hate-related matters

Rudy Giuliani
former NYC mayor, drag performer, "terrorism" "expert"

Pat Buchanan
Oval Office groupie
 * 1) "It doesn't get any better than this," says quivering mound of hate jello Pat Buchanan, who gleefully revels in Donald Trump's reshaping of the Republican party

Richard Spencer
Whiteness Advisor
 * 1) NOT NEWS: Punch-magnet white supremacist shames welfare. NEWS: Wearing bootstraps funded by millions in government subsidies. FARK: Paid to his family-owned cotton farm in Louisiana
 * 2) Georgia nonprofit was duped into unwittingly giving white supremacist Richard Spencer $25,000 after an anonymous donor gifted them the money with specific instructions

Supreme Court Nominee Neil Gorsuch

 * 1) Democrats paralyzed as Gorsuch skates. To be fair, his Biellmann spin and stag jump combo earned him a 10.0 from the Ecuadorian judges
 * 2) If Neil Gorsuch isn't a legitimate SCOTUS judge, then I understand the Senate has ways of shutting that down
 * 3) GOP Senators ask Judge Gorsuch the probing questions: "What's the answer to life, the universe, and everything?" and "Would you rather fight 1 horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?" Hey, I thought there wasn't going to be a litmus test
 * 4) Gorsuch believes it is improper to state opinions about historic cases. A SCOTUS appointee with no opinion or regard for precedent? The perfect candidate
 * 5) Unanimous Supreme Court overturns a Gorsuch decision ... in the middle of his confirmation hearing
 * 6) 'The SCOTUS bladder is something the whole country stands in awe of'
 * 7) Supreme Court Nominee thinks you should die to protect your company's property, no word on if he thinks the company owes you a funeral or if they can sue your spouse for cleaning up after your corpse

Sean Spicer
White House Press Secretary
 * 1) That time Sean Spicer was the White House Easter Bunny
 * 2) Democrats want Sessions to recuse himself. Republicans want Sessions to recuse himself. Sessions is open to recusing himself. So naturally, Sean Spicer thinks you're all bunch of god damned idiot partisan liberals who just hate Trump and America
 * 3) Spicey is almost as good at Twitter as his boss
 * 4) Trump policy on recreational weed seen as major buzzkill, logistical nightmare
 * 5) Watch Spicer get his wires tapped by the press corps at 1:30 EST(audio only today)
 * 6) Spicer will be live on video for his press conference today, this is apparently news as it is not a gaggle nor is it audio only as yesterday's press thing was
 * 7) 8 tricks for defending Trump on the left. More tricks on the right
 * 8) Media reports that Trump is meeting with former rivals in a "charm offensive." Minus the charm
 * 9) Spicer: "Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone." Fox reporter: "No, he didn't" Spicer lackey: "There are multiple reports that Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone"
 * 10) Trumpy Spice: "Every member of the House and Senate will be able to have their opportunity to have amendments (on TrumpCare) offered through the committee process and on the floor," GOP Leadership: The Hell you say
 * 11) Spicy talks about how the giant tax breaks for rich people and higher insurance premiums are good, OK? But you people keep writing your stories to make us look bad
 * 12) White House spokesperson: Trump doesn't know a damn thing
 * 13) The master of understatement Shepard Smith finally snaps on the latest Michael Flynn collusion revelations, barks "There's been a lot of lying." It's just some light treason, right?
 * 14) I knew it. Sean Spicer is being held hostage against his will. After all, nobody could say all those ridiculous things and actually mean them
 * 15) Virtually the entire White House tweets about February's job stats, minutes after the official numbers are released. This is in direct violation of Statistical Policy Directive Number 3, which prohibits Federal employees from doing so
 * 16) WH: It's fine, just fine, nothing to see here. There are no investigations targeting the President, and if there were, we cannot comment on on-going investigations anyway. So there. Nailed it
 * 17) Spicer will finally reveal the wiretapping evidence against Obama- or implode. (Live at 1ish EST)
 * 18) Trump 'doesn't really think' Obama personally tapped his phone. Last five words completely unnecessary
 * 19) The Left's version of O'keefe is low energy, didn't even dress up for this, sad
 * 20) Spicer Says: Trump wants the White House Press pool to decide where he donates his salary. I'm pretty sure they all read Fark so let's give them some suggestions
 * 21) NBC Reporter: "Can we trust that what the President says is real?" Bullshiat Spice: "If he's not joking, of course"
 * 22) Welcome to Politics 2017 - The Year of the Walk Back
 * 23) We all hate getting dressed for work on a Monday, but it seems Sean Spicer didn't even want to try
 * 24) Sean Spicer seemed shocked to hear Jim Acosta say poor people existed; he just thought it was a myth like Star Wars or Hillary Clinton having people murdered
 * 25) Trump is planning on cutting the NWS, EPA, Medicare and Medicaid, but you can bet your tax dollars he's going back to Mar-a-Lago this weekend
 * 26) Enjoy Sean Spicer's latest Melissa McCarthy impersonation
 * 27) White House officially downgrades its apology to "an explanation"
 * 28) Sean Spicer is increasingly becoming like one of those robots in a logic puzzle: You can NEVER admit your Boss lies, But your Boss NEVER tells the Truth, and you have to explain what he really means
 * 29) Trump treats his staff as horribly as he treats everyone else. Film at 11
 * 30) Sean Spicer wears a green tie for St. Patrick's day. Green screen hilarity ensues
 * 31) Don Lemon summarizes Bullshiat Spice's latest word salad by comparing it to Billy Madison. Does he have a Fark handle?
 * 32) Spicer going out live at 1:30 for the "NO YOU" counterpunch against Comey on The Hill
 * 33) By order of Secretary Spicer, Paul Manafort is/was no longer the former Chairman of the Trump campaign but "Someone who played a very limited role for a very limited time". Please consign all non-conforming information to the nearest Memory Hole
 * 34) Your SpicerFact for 3/20/17: Trump golfing is better than Obama golfing because Trump uses golf to solve the world's problems
 * 35) CNN political commentator says "Sean Spicer doesn't believe Sean Spicer at this point". Well, duh - that Ghostbusters remake was an atrocity
 * 36) So, will Spicer manage to spin so much he corkscrews into the bedrock? It's the daily White House press briefing - live at 2:15ish EDT
 * 37) Bullshiat Spice: Come on guys, obviously the President was having some fun with recalcitrant GOP members who refuse to back Health Care bill, he wasn't actually threatening them...no, really. Trust him
 * 38) Will Spiceweasel throw Paul under the bus? Will Sean create an alternate reality where Trump is a Democrat so therefore the Democrats are working with Russia? Better man a fort, THIS is your Sean Spiceweasel's daily press briefing. (starts 1:30ET)
 * 39) Trump: Manawho? Never heard of him

Mike Dubke
Communications Director

Kellyanne Conway
Counselor to the President


 * 1) So Trump's lawyers took Conway's illegal plugging of Ivanka's shiat a bit more seriously than Trump did
 * 2) Survivor of the Bowling Green Massacre who lost both her legs responds to powerful photo showing her perched on the Oval Office couch
 * 3) Kellyanne Conway to be suspended without pay for plugging Ivanka's clothing line and if you believed that for even a moment you really haven't been paying attention
 * 4) 8 tricks for defending Trump on the left. More tricks on the right
 * 5) President Trump: Our wonderful new Healthcare Bill is now out for review and negotiation. Kellyanne Conway: TrumpCare? Oh, hell to the no
 * 6) The Uber-conservative National Review "If you want to see political malpractice in action, you don't have to read Donald Trump's latest tweet - just look at the mess Republicans have made of replacing Obamacare"
 * 7) White House: Ethics laws do not apply to the executive branch. U.S. Ethics official: Um, yes they do, dumb asses
 * 8) Human-pug hybrid Kellyanne Conway pulls another alternative fact out of her rectum, says the Trump campaign was monitored in other ways
 * 9) Small appliance expert Kellyanne Conway says she's not sure what was used to spy on Trump campaign, because she's "not inspector Gadget." Yes, that was a quote
 * 10) What's surrounded by fur and has a foul wind blowing out of its hole?
 * 11) Alternative Facts v2.0 is live. I'm pissed because there are no new features, just word-play tweaks and balancing. Definitely not buying the expansion when it comes out
 * 12) Kellyanne's husband picked to lead the civil division of the DOJ. Fun fact that certainly won't come back to haunt him? He was part of the legal team for Paula Jones that established you can sue sitting U.S. presidents
 * 13) Mike Pence to get "World's 2nd Best Boss" mug
 * 14) Kellyanne Conway has paid for abortions. To be fair, you can't always get one for free when you really need to be rejuvenated by the fresh soul of a dead baby
 * 15) The internet is forever, and things you post can come back to haunt you later. Isn't that right, Mrs. Kellyanne "Ha, ha, you're being investigated by the FBI" Conway?
 * 16) KellyAnne Conway: Donald Trump doesn't know who Carter Page is

Sarah Huckabee Sanders
White House deputy press secretary
 * 1) Spicer: "Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone." Fox reporter: "No, he didn't" Spicer lackey: "There are multiple reports that Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone"

Boris Epshteyn
Commissar for Media Relations

Fox
Propaganda Ministry
 * 1) Fox News was the most-watched cable network for Trump's State of The Confederacy speech
 * 2) Fox News CEO is a little concerned about all the fake news they are creating. How concerned? Fake fake concerned
 * 3) David Bossie former Trump Deputy Campaign Manager
 * 4) Everyone in the Trump campaign was rewarded with appointments they were unqualified for--except for Deputy Campaign Manager David Bossie, who was left in the cold. Probably because he never talked to Russia
 * 5) Fox News won't fact check The Big Cheeto's claim about Obama wiretapping him, but they will "fact check" Obama's denial of it. Bonus: There wasn't any fact checking, it was someone's opinion
 * 6) A minute-by-minute breakdown of two hours of this morning's "Fox & Friends" and President Trump's tweets that soon followed and referenced each story almost verbatim
 * 7) Fox News slams GOP health care reform plan. Yes, THAT Fox News
 * 8) Fox News: Very concerned for your privacy. Well not necessarily yours, but someone's
 * 9) James Rosen, reporter
 * 10) Spicer: "Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone." Fox reporter: "No, he didn't" Spicer lackey: "There are multiple reports that Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone"
 * 11) John Oliver really, really hates Trumpcare and everything the GOP is trying to do with the ACA, so he is again trying to reach Trump by purchasing airtime on Fox & Friends and airing another commercial targeting the DC audience
 * 12) FTFA: In what can be described as journalistic malpractice and a gross dereliction of duty, the alt-left radical propaganda press continues to insist there is some nefarious connection between President Trump and Moscow. Evidence? They don't need any
 * 13) "Judge" Napolitano
 * 14) Obviously, the reason no one can find any evidence that Obama ordered Trump wiretapped is because he asked James Bond to do it
 * 15) White House officially downgrades its apology to "an explanation"
 * 16) Deputy Director of the NSA calls Trump's UK spying allegations "just crazy", "arrant nonsense". Then insinuates Trump is ignorant and stupid. Why yes, he is retiring shortly
 * 17) No longer even trying to hide it
 * 18) Former judge Napolitano now former employee of Fox
 * 19) Fox News host suggested that the Secret Service should kill Snoop Dogg and Bow Wow after Snoop recently made a music video in which he points a gun at a clown version of President Trump, because that's what you do in a Democracy
 * 20) Jeanine Pirro former judge, FOX News spokesmodel
 * 21) Sean Hannity
 * 1) Sean Hannity
 * 1) Sean Hannity
 * 1) Sean Hannity

Fox Jr.(s)

 * 1) Breitbart "News"
 * 2) Sessions was not technically asked if anyone in the Trump campaign talked with the Russians, only what he would do if they had. Therefore it was not perjury when he said no one had communicated with them
 * 3) Mark Levin knows what's up. It's not the possible collusion between Trump and the Russians we should we worried about, it's the fact that President Obama used his power in office to spy on Trump with a view to undermine his Presidency
 * 4) Breitbart mocks globalist WSJ for suggesting it could support Trump if only he got rid of Steve Bannon and Steve Miller
 * 5) Breitbart: Yo WaPo, while Trump's proposal to publish a list of immigrant crimes and their victims does have Nazi overtones, the big difference is that Hitler did it against loyal, legal, law abiding German Jews, not illegal criminals. So, checkmate
 * 6) Breitbart, Steve Bannon's own personal public relations arm, thinks the GOP's ACA replacement is terrible
 * 7) Breitbart begins sharpening some very long knives
 * 8) Microwave catches Paul Ryan throwing Trump under the bus
 * 9) Breitbart loves trolling Paul Ryan. Well who wouldn't?
 * 10) Inside internet hate site: "We're not a hate site"
 * 11) Breitbart wants Trump to go full Andrew Jackson and ignore the courts and their verdicts, because that's what you do in a Democracy
 * 12) The FBI Russia probe will also investigate the Western wing of Russia's propaganda machine, Breitbart and Infowars
 * 13) Monday's hearing "debunked" Trump's wiretapping tweets, but left his underlying claim intact: that there was surveillance of the Trump campaign; that the results were shared throughout the government - even possibly reaching the Obama White House
 * 14) Townhall
 * 15) Watch the liberals. Listen to what they say, because their lies and their slanders are a road map to their plans for the future
 * 16) President Trump nominated for Nobel Peace Prize. He's only been in office a month so the odds are against him, like our president has ever been daunted by the odds
 * 17) Mark Levin, radio host
 * 18) Mark Levin: "There is overwhelming evidence the Obama administration wiretapped Trump before Trump was sworn in as president, and Democrats are trying to cover that up" Press: "What evidence?" Mark Levin: "OVERWHELMING evidence"
 * 19) WikiLeaks
 * 20) Wikileaks is publishing all of Donald's secrets. Wait, it's only 1000s of CIA documents? That's not the same thing? But he's the President. Damn you Obama
 * 21) There's only one common theme in the WikiLeaks and Snowden scandal: Russia always stands to gain
 * 22) Brexit backer and Trump supporter Farage stops by Ecuadorian embassy housing Wikileaks' Julian Assange. Asked by reporters what he was doing there, he replies that he doesn't remember. Not suspicious at all
 * 23) Ann Coulter
 * 24) "Immigrant privilege drives the child rape epidemic." Oh my f*cking God Ann Coulter actually said that line. And wrote an article about it. And believes it. And...Jesus Tapdancing Christ what the fark is wrong with her
 * 25) National Review
 * 26) New York Times wants you to forget one of their narratives. Forget, forget, deep breath now, forget. Please standby to naively accept the next installment
 * 27) Man: "I've yet to read anything positive about this healthcare bill". Woman: "Try going 2 a conservative source and open up your reading habits". Man: "I'm the editor of National Review Online"
 * 28) New York Daily News
 * 29) I'm sure it's just a coincidence, but, the New York Daily News, America's paper of opposition to Donald Trump before the election, has changed their tone with President "no press access to haters" Trump
 * 30) Matt Drudge
 * 31) Clammy porcelain Republican kingmaker Matt Drudge says he now wants his vote back because Republicans haven't abolished the concept of taxes yet
 * 32) InfoWars
 * 33) Facebook is marking InfoWars links as "spam", regardless of whether Alex Jones appears shirtless
 * 34) The FBI Russia probe will also investigate the Western wing of Russia's propaganda machine, Breitbart and Infowars
 * 35) Michelle Malkin
 * 36) Michelle Malkin says judges are tyrants for not allowing constitutionally dubious travel ban to go through. Good thing Malkin doesn't have a murky immigrant background which might include her parents immigrating on employer sponsored visas
 * 37) RT
 * 38) RT thought Michael Flynn was worth paying $45K to speak in Moscow. This means something, right?
 * 39) If you're gonna sell out your country to the Russians, at least do it for more than a lousy $68k
 * 40) various news outlets Conservative media
 * 1) various news outlets Conservative media

Alex Jones
"journalist"
 * 1) The most Fark ready headline that has ever been Fark ready: "Goddamn it, Alex Jones has taken his shirt off again" (WARNING: Alex Jones is shirtless in TFA) (a lot)

Michael Flynn (ret.)
former National Security Adviser
 * 1) NEW BOMBSHELL: Jared Kushner and Mike Flynn met with the Russians in December
 * 2) Michael Flynn was a paid lobbyist for a pro Turkish group while working as an advisor for Trump both before and after Trump's election, but it's OK, he's going to "retroactively" file as a foreign agent
 * 3) White House spokesperson: Trump doesn't know a damn thing
 * 4) The master of understatement Shepard Smith finally snaps on the latest Michael Flynn collusion revelations, barks "There's been a lot of lying." It's just some light treason, right?
 * 5) Mike Pence: "I had no knowledge that Michael Flynn was working as a paid lobbyist during the campaign" Elijah Cummings: " Here's the letter I sent you on Nov. 18 warning that Flynn was a paid lobbyist" Pence: "Can I get a smoke bomb over here?"
 * 6) RT thought Michael Flynn was worth paying $45K to speak in Moscow. This means something, right?
 * 7) If you're gonna sell out your country to the Russians, at least do it for more than a lousy $68k
 * 8) Rep Trey Gowdy attempts a high profile "But what about..." during the Comey hearing, but doesn't quite stick the landing

H.R. McMaster
National Security Advisor
 * 1) McMaster to NSC: You know what, it'll be like that Flynn guy never happened
 * 2) Trump proves he is that boss who, even when he accidentally hires someone who might be good at their job, manages to screw it up by meddling and micromanaging. Unfortunately, he does this with national security, too

Ezra Cohen-Watnick
Senior director for intelligence programs, National Security Council'
 * 1) Trump proves he is that boss who, even when he accidentally hires someone who might be good at their job, manages to screw it up by meddling and micromanaging. Unfortunately, he does this with national security, too

Robert Mercer
billionaire, donor
 * 1) News: Turns out Conservatives were right, there is a mysterious billionaire spending millions around the world to implement his nefarious agenda. Fark: He is also conservative and had a hand in Brexit and Trump's victory

Paul Manafort
 former Chairman of the Trump campaign Someone who played a very limited role for a very limited time
 * 1) By order of Secretary Spicer, Paul Manafort is/was no longer the former Chairman of the Trump campaign but "Someone who played a very limited role for a very limited time". Please consign all non-conforming information to the nearest Memory Hole
 * 2) Paul Manafort's protégé? Russian collaborator
 * 3) Paul Manafort's daughter sends out text message bragging about the people her father had killed
 * 4) For SOME reason the US government isn't responding to Ukraine's requests to interview Paul Manafort in connection to a corruption investigation. Gee, I wonder why that is
 * 5) Trump allies Roger Stone and Paul Manafort both wanted for questioning in Russia investigations
 * 6) New documents show that former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort laundered payments from pro-Putin Ukrainian party. Dripski. Dripski. Dripski
 * 7) Minor unpaid Trump volunteer Paul Manafort was paid millions to push pro-Putin policy in US and Europe for the last decade
 * 8) Paul Manafort Drafted a Plan in 2005 to Influence American and European Politics for Putin's Benefit, which incidentally is how we ended up with Trump as President
 * 9) Trump: Manawho? Never heard of him

Stefan Passantino
White House ethics lawyer
 * 1) So Trump's lawyers took Conway's illegal plugging of Ivanka's shiat a bit more seriously than Trump did

David Apol
''Top. Lawyer. Office of Government Ethics''
 * 1) So Trump's lawyers took Conway's illegal plugging of Ivanka's shiat a bit more seriously than Trump did

Walter Shaub
Director, Office of Government Ethics
 * 1) So Trump's lawyers took Conway's illegal plugging of Ivanka's shiat a bit more seriously than Trump did
 * 2) White House: Ethics laws do not apply to the executive branch. U.S. Ethics official: Um, yes they do, dumb asses

Frank Gaffney
director, Center for Security Policy, his tiny think tank
 * 1) Turns out the best way to radicalize people is to strip them of their nationality. Not that this administration would know or anything

Corey Lewandowski
former campaign chief, current lobbyist
 * 1) Trump campaign chief turned Lobbyist Corey Lewandowski is raising money for a PAC designed to help "drain the swamp" and fight corruption in Washington. Man, who would've expected him to turn on his former boss like that?

=Cabinet, Secretaries, Assorted Agencies and Department Heads= For the full mess, please visit the archive

General

 * 1) It's Monday, so you know what that means: Trump's own agencies have told him that he's wrong about his weekend conspiracy rant, but he doesn't care and still believes his own derp
 * 2) "Although the law provides a great deal of leeway for political speech, that protection is not all encompassing. And because of the way Trump has leveled unsubstantiated accusations at Obama, he may have libeled his predecessor"

Nominees

 * 1) New Guy, Labor Nominee
 * 2) Palin, Ambassador to Canada Nominee Threat
 * 3) Verma, Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) administrator Nominee
 * 4) Carson for HUD
 * 5) Senate confirms Ben Carson as secretary of HUD. Current plans are to inform him when he wakes up
 * 6) Perry for Energy
 * 7) Rick Perry officially confirmed as Secretary of... uh... Secretary of... wait I had something for this
 * 8) Ross for Commerce
 * 9) Trump's choice for Commerce Secretary holds a top post with a mysterious, Russian-controlled Cyprus bank
 * 10) Dr. Scott Gottleib'  ' director, Food and Drug Administration
 * 11) Well, it's not like he nominated Martin Shkreli to head the FDA or anything
 * 12) George Conway director, Department of Justice, Civil Division
 * 13) Kellyanne's husband picked to lead the civil division of the DOJ. Fun fact that certainly won't come back to haunt him? He was part of the legal team for Paula Jones that established you can sue sitting U.S. presidents
 * 14) Alexander Acosta for Labor
 * 15) Trump's new pick for labor secretary made court deals with convicted pedophile Jeffrey Epstein
 * 16) Jay Clayton for Chairman, SEC Securities and Exchange Commission
 * 17) Hold onto your pensions: The Jeff Sessions DoJ is doing everything it can to enable white-collar crime

Department of Homeland Security

 * 1) Remember the memo from Homeland Security that said country of origin is an unreliable indicator of terrorist threat to US so Muslim ban unlikely to work? Well, they still think it's crap, and said most US based terrorists are radicalized while in US
 * 2) Internal Trump administration data undercuts travel ban. Or, in other words, the Emperor has no clothes
 * 3) Have flood insurance? Congratulations, you're now paying for the border wall
 * 4) Homeland Security publishes list of 118 terrorist occupied cities. Bombing begins in five minutes

Director of the Department of Homeland Security

 * 1) Headline: "DHS head: Trump has 'convincing' wiretap proof". Story: DHS head, who apparently was in a coma for the last year, says that since Trump made that claim, he MUST have some pretty good evidence; he wouldn't just make something like that up
 * 2) Illegal border crossings decrease by 40% in February as Mexico learns what it's like to share a border with a third-world hellhole

ICE
Immigration and Customs Enforcement
 * 1) ICE is now arresting any illegal immigrant who speaks in public as part of a "targeted immigration enforcement action"
 * 2) Today ICE's crack goon squad made America safer by arresting a man who has lived in this country for more than 20 years, while he was taking his daughter to school, because he had a ten-year old DUI and a busted registration sticker 20 years ago

Customs and Border Protection

 * 1) Why not a hundred foot high wall made from gold and diamonds that can't be seen by those who are unfit for their positions, stupid, or incompetent?
 * 2) Trump finds another way to improve health care in Michigan

Secret Service

 * 1) They'll be no shortage of Donald Trumps in the coming decades. Secret service in trouble for taking selfies with 8 year-old Donald Trump III. Trump III says Obama caused him to poopie his pants. They grow up so fast
 * 2) Secret Service laptop containing the floor plans to Trump Tower and info about the Clinton email investigation stolen
 * 3) Fox News host suggested that the Secret Service should kill Snoop Dogg and Bow Wow after Snoop recently made a music video in which he points a gun at a clown version of President Trump, because that's what you do in a Democracy
 * 4) Step 1: Steal car. Step 2: Drive to White House. Step 3: Declare there is a bomb in your car at a Secret Service checkpoint. Step 4: Get featured on Fark
 * 5) Secret Service needs an additional 5,424,954 Meals on Wheels to protect President Trump's family and private home

Pentagon

 * 1) Mideast surge has Pentagon concerned with 'mission creep' resulting from orders from 'commander creep'

U.S. Navy

 * 1) Trump's bold, grand plan for the US Navy lacks one key element: Funding to pay for the skilled workers needed to build said fleet. Also, the skilled workers are nowhere to be found

Secretary of Defense

 * 1) Defense Secretary Mad Dog is willing to punch Bannon, Priebus and Kushner in the face to get the staff he wants at DoD
 * 2) Democrats are suddenly concerned about the price of Presidential trips
 * 3) Trump to send 1000 troops to Syria because you can't win wars if you don't fight them
 * 4) Trump's Secretary of a good offense: Climate change is real. It's happening now and we need to take it seriously. Trump's future reply: Well kiss my grits
 * 5) Republicans upset with Sec Def Mattis because he is proving too responsible and independent with his appointment, refusing to appoint political operatives or to push for an increase to the defense budget as they are demanding

Department of Veterans Affairs

 * 1) White House: All VA Hospitals directed to put up portraits of cheetos
 * 2) Trump claims he is holding a big meeting on how to overhaul the VA at Mar-a-Lago because it was "the most convenient place" and "everybody wanted to go there". Also, Donald? Stop trying to make "The Southern White House" happen. It's embarrassing
 * 3) This weekend, you paid Trump the approximate cost of 500,000 Meals on Wheels for a "Veterans Affairs meeting" in Mar-a-Lago. Only it seems he forgot to bring the VA secretary. Or even to schedule the meeting
 * 4) Dissident Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) officials created a digital "Forum of Hate" where they referred to one of their supervisors as the G-Pot. G, as in status obsessed rapper and Pot for hippopotamus

Department of Justice

 * 1) Jefferson Beauregard Sessions dismisses Justice Dept reports on Chicago and Ferguson police as "anecdotal". Or so he heard; he admits he didn't actually read them
 * 2) FBI Director Comey asks Justice Department to publicly call BS on Trump's wiretapping claim
 * 3) AG Sessions: "Khorosho, ya sdelayu vse, chto vozmozhno, chtoby vosstanovit' nezavisimost' i professionalizm Ministerstva yustitsii"
 * 4) Friday massacre, as Trump abruptly orders 46 Obama era prosecutors to resign, including the US Attorney in Manhattan who handles public corruption cases
 * 5) The purge continues: On a Friday afternoon, Sessions asks for resignation of 46 U.S. attorneys
 * 6) House Intelligence Committee requests that Trump FW:FW:FW:FW:FW: over his evidence of wiretapping by Monday
 * 7) House Intelligence Committee set today as the deadline for Trump to provide evidence he was the victim of an Obama "wiretapp." Will Trump follow through? What will happen if he fails to provide the evidence? Either way, things will get crazy today
 * 8) Trump 'doesn't really think' Obama personally tapped his phone. Last five words completely unnecessary
 * 9) Ol' Jeff Sessions gonna find it tougher than wrestlin' a greased polecat to keep all his high falutin' promises about fighting crime if Mars Trump continues being stingier than a Baptist preacher in a liquor store wit dat Justice Dept budget money
 * 10) Obviously, the reason no one can find any evidence that Obama ordered Trump wiretapped is because he asked James Bond to do it
 * 11) White House officially downgrades its apology to "an explanation"
 * 12) No longer even trying to hide it
 * 13) Deputy Director of the NSA calls Trump's UK spying allegations "just crazy", "arrant nonsense". Then insinuates Trump is ignorant and stupid. Why yes, he is retiring shortly
 * 14) Donald Trump just became Hillary Clinton's email ally
 * 15) Remember when Bill Clinton asked for the resignations of all US attorneys DURING the transition:? Pepperidge farms remembers
 * 16) For SOME reason the US government isn't responding to Ukraine's requests to interview Paul Manafort in connection to a corruption investigation. Gee, I wonder why that is
 * 17) Trump allies Roger Stone and Paul Manafort both wanted for questioning in Russia investigations
 * 18) Hold onto your pensions: The Jeff Sessions DoJ is doing everything it can to enable white-collar crime

Attorney General

 * 1) Jefferson Beauregard Sessions dismisses Justice Dept reports on Chicago and Ferguson police as "anecdotal". Or so he heard; he admits he didn't actually read them
 * 2) Which is more frightening, the possibility that Sessions used Bannon and Miller to become Attorney General, or the possibility that Bannon and Miller used Attorney General Sessions to become co-Presidents?
 * 3) Jeff Sessions plans on pooping on everyone's party
 * 4) Confederate States of America signs non-aggression pact with Russia
 * 5) Dems to Sessions: GTFO
 * 6) And.... Here.... We... Go
 * 7) Jeff Sessions calls for own removal from office
 * 8) What exactly did Jeff Sessions say to the Russian ambassador and when did he know it?
 * 9) And now we have a running list of people demanding Jefferson Beauregard Sessions resign and leave the Confederacy in disgrace after it was revealed he spoke with Russia illegally
 * 10) Foxnews: Full Power to Deflector Shields
 * 11) Sessions was not technically asked if anyone in the Trump campaign talked with the Russians, only what he would do if they had. Therefore it was not perjury when he said no one had communicated with them
 * 12) Well that didn't take long, Trump administration goes from defending Sessions as a victim of a partisan witch hunt to "hey, we didn't know he met with Russians until we turned on the TV this morning". Oh, Beauregard, we hardly knew ye
 * 13) AG Sessions to hold press conference at 4pm Eastern, presumably to tell us that he did not have relations with that country. Or that he did. Either way, grab the popcorn, and here we go, again
 * 14) And Jeff recuses
 * 15) Trump has "total confidence" in Jeff Sessions. Sorry, Jeff
 * 16) A timeline of Jeff Sessions' relationship with the Trump campaign and his own conversations with Russian officials
 * 17) Hey, guess who was all hawkish about the Russian threat until he got himself stitched into the Trump human centipede and started perjuring up a storm?
 * 18) Good thing Trump's campaign funds didn't pay for Sessions's visit with Rus--oh
 * 19) Sorry Dems, the whole Jeff Sessions gig you've got going is nothing but fake news
 * 20) And here it is. The stupidest thing you will read all day
 * 21) Adam Schiff says that Session' explanations for his meetings with the Russian ambassador "make no sense"; tells Jack McCoy to have detectives Briscoe and Green bring him in and go over his statements again
 * 22) Sen. Franken: Lies, and the perjured Jeff Sessions who tells them
 * 23) Sessions: I never met with the Russians. Okay, I met with the Russian ambassador twice. Did I say twice? Sorry, I meant three times. My bad
 * 24) AG Sessions: "Khorosho, ya sdelayu vse, chto vozmozhno, chtoby vosstanovit' nezavisimost' i professionalizm Ministerstva yustitsii"
 * 25) In what is surely pure coincidence, AG Sessions has followed up last week's memo rescinding the federal policy ending the use of private for-profit prisons, with one suggesting he wants prosecutors to again seek maximum sentences for drug offenses
 * 26) The purge continues: On a Friday afternoon, Sessions asks for resignation of 46 U.S. attorneys
 * 27) U.S. Attorney Bharara to President Trump: "I won't resign. I want your Keebler Elf to fire me" UPDATE: Elf obliged
 * 28) Elijah Cummings says there might be a connection between Bharara's firing and the ongoing Trump investigation. Time to bust out the "well duh" images
 * 29) Fired U.S. Attorney for New York Preet Bharara sends out a Tweet that STRONGLY suggests that he was investigating Trump when he was fired
 * 30) NY AG goes after Trump for the Preet-sacking
 * 31) There are indications that Jeff Sessions did not know his own attorneys were about to be fired
 * 32) Gov. Chris Christie victim blames all the recently fired U.S. attorneys. "They received notice that they were leaving office. That notice was given to them by the people of the country on November 8, when they elected a Republican president"
 * 33) Trump's prosecutorial purge will harm the GOP in the long run
 * 34) Just in time for your Friday news dump- US Attorney Preet Bharara was actively investigating HHS Director Tom Price when fired
 * 35) Ol' Jeff Sessions gonna find it tougher than wrestlin' a greased polecat to keep all his high falutin' promises about fighting crime if Mars Trump continues being stingier than a Baptist preacher in a liquor store wit dat Justice Dept budget money
 * 36) AG Jeff Sessions: "We have too much tolerance for marijuana use. We need to say, as Nancy Reagan said, 'Just say no.'" He then knocked back three fingers of bourbon and took a long, satisfying drag from an unfiltered Camel
 * 37) “Memorandum for all Federal Prosecutors”
 * 38) Hold onto your pensions: The Jeff Sessions DoJ is doing everything it can to enable white-collar crime

FBI
Federal Bureau of Investigation
 * 1) FBI and NSA called to testify on Trump-Russia investigation. CIA was going to be called, but thanks to Wikileaks, Congress already knows what CIA was going to say anyway
 * 2) FBI continues investigating the "odd" cyber link between a Russian bank and Trump's corporate holdings
 * 3) The FBI is fully cooperating with the Russia investigation
 * 4) Internal Trump administration data undercuts travel ban. Or, in other words, the Emperor has no clothes
 * 5) For SOME reason the US government isn't responding to Ukraine's requests to interview Paul Manafort in connection to a corruption investigation. Gee, I wonder why that is
 * 6) Trump allies Roger Stone and Paul Manafort both wanted for questioning in Russia investigations
 * 7) So, it turns out the FBI really DID have a wiretap at Trump Tower to spy on Russians, but it was from 2011-2013, and its target was the Russian mobsters running a massive money laundering operation out of their apartment there
 * 8) Whether it's residents in his Trump-branded buildings, or his business associates or investors in his projects, Trump is tied up with not just Russians, but in many cases Russians tied to the criminal underworld and money laundering
 * 9) FBI-led Russia-Trump Investigation
 * 10) "FBI investigation...could hamper [Trump's political agenda for months, if not years, to come." HA. Years?]
 * 11) The FBI Russia probe will also investigate the Western wing of Russia's propaganda machine, Breitbart and Infowars
 * 12) The internet is forever, and things you post can come back to haunt you later. Isn't that right, Mrs. Kellyanne "Ha, ha, you're being investigated by the FBI" Conway?
 * 13) "The FBI probe into Trump and Russia is huge news. Our political system isn't ready for it"
 * 14) Just how, exactly, does an FBI counterintelligence investigation into a sitting President and his cronies work? I'm glad you asked
 * 15) The FBI is struggling to hire hackers because they're all weed smokers

Director of the FBI

 * 1) Democrats are finally realizing that Comey knows quite a bit more about Russia and Trump than he's letting on
 * 2) FBI Director Comey asks Justice Department to publicly call BS on Trump's wiretapping claim
 * 3) FBI Director Comey doesn't want to stay under the bus OR fall on his sword for Trump
 * 4) Trump hasn't even bothered to ask his FBI director to verify his Obama wiretap claims. Smartest president ever, don'cha know, just bigly yuuugely smart I'm telling yaz
 * 5) Comey: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Privacy? What the hell is that?
 * 6) James Comey to officially reveal if FBI is investigating Trump's ties to Russia during presidential election
 * 7) And today Comey throws Trump under the bus
 * 8) Will Comey reveal that Trump is a puppet? Will the pee tape come to light? Will Trump demand Comey's head after the hearing? THIS is your House Intelligence Committee Hearing on Russia-gate thread (hearing starts at 10 AM EDT on C-SPAN)
 * 9) Comey confirms the FBI is investigating Trump team for Russia connections they can sweep under the rug
 * 10) James Comey answers the least suspenseful question in recorded history
 * 11) Pro tip: Wait until the hearing is over before you mischaracterize someone's congressional testimony, Mr. President, or you run the risk of being corrected in real-time
 * 12) Rep Trey Gowdy attempts a high profile "But what about..." during the Comey hearing, but doesn't quite stick the landing
 * 13) Pretty much, the only way today could have gone worse for Trump is if PornHub added a "presidential watersports" category to their search engine or Melania was revealed as a victim of "the Fappening 2.0"
 * 14) White House continues to defend wiretapping claim despite today's contrary statements from "so-called FBI Director" Comey
 * 15) Monday's hearing "debunked" Trump's wiretapping tweets, but left his underlying claim intact: that there was surveillance of the Trump campaign; that the results were shared throughout the government - even possibly reaching the Obama White House
 * 16) Former Nixon White House Counsel John Dean: The actions of the Trump White House in response to the Russia story seem AWFULLY familiar to me...wait, don't tell me, it'll come to me any second
 * 17) One thing we know for sure, is James Comey does not discriminate along party lines when he does his discriminating

Department of Education

 * 1) House okays using taxpayer money for Islamic schools

Secretary of Education

 * 1) Trump, Devos, Rick Scott visiting Orlando Catholic school to: A) push school choice; B) start drive to end free public schools; or C) perform Three Stooges short
 * 2) Congress votes to repeal rules that would hold school systems accountable for student performance, because that would REALLY fark up Betsy Devos' plan to outsource the public school system to Bob's Bait Shop and Institute of Jesusological studies

Treasury Secretary

 * 1) Oh, look, Steven Mnuchin just wrote the letter begging Congress to raise the debt ceiling so America doesn't default. Let's see if Republicans are still as opposed to it as they were when Obama was president

EPA
Environmental Protection Agency
 * 1) Trumps plans on slashing the EPA budget for Great Lakes pollution cleanup by 97% because who needs to keep largest supply of liquid fresh water on the planet clean
 * 2) EPA Office of Science and Technology Policy deletes "science" from its science mission statement, replaces it with "technologically achievable"
 * 3) Trump's EPA looking to kill the law that led to unleaded gasoline and catalytic converters
 * 4) EPA head: Meh, what's a little chemical spill between friends?
 * 5) It appears that someone is blowing smoke up the White House's arse with some crazy theory about smog

Director of the EPA

 * 1) If there are any Trump cabinet members who DIDN'T lie under oath during their confirmation hearings, please stand up. Not so fast there, Scott Pruitt
 * 2) EPA chief Scott Pruitt says carbon dioxide is not a primary contributor to global warming. That is all
 * 3) Scott Pruitt, new head of the EPA, just comes right out and says what we all know he believes: climate change is not happening and if it were it is most definitely not being caused by people
 * 4) Science. Huh. Good God, y'all. What is it good for? Absolutely nothin'. Love, Scott Pruitt
 * 5) EPA head: Meh, what's a little chemical spill between friends?
 * 6) Thank God Hillary didn't win so we don't have any email scandals to deal with

Housing and Urban Development

 * 1) Community Development Block Grant program
 * 2) If you invested heavily in cat food futures after the election, your payoff is on its way
 * 3) GOP to Trump: No, you can't shut down Meals on Wheels
 * 4) Since the White House argued that Meals on Wheels is going to be cut because it has not shown any results, I'm sure you'll be shocked to hear that there is actual research that proves otherwise
 * 5) Donations to Meals on Wheels surge after announcement of funding cuts. See? The system works

Secretary of HUD

 * 1) Ben Carson: Slaves were immigrants who dreamed of a better life
 * 2) There weren't any MFing immigrants on the MFing slave ships
 * 3) For a renowned surgeon, Ben Carson sure can't surgically remove that foot from his mouth
 * 4) Guess who else called slaves immigrants... Oh how the outrage was

Secretary of the Interior

 * 1) When the nation's new Secretary of the Interior hails from Montana, you know he's going to arrive for his first day of work on a horse
 * 2) Last minute Obama lead ammo ban lasts roughly one minute

National Parks Service

 * 1) National Park Service releases hundreds of ground and arial photographs of President Trump's inauguration and yup, looks like we can expect an incoming tweet storm

IRS
Internal Revenue Service
 * 1) IRS budget cuts mean there are not enough agents for tax audits. America is great again
 * 2) The IRS granted 'After School Satan Club' tax-exempt status in 10 days, while non-profit conservative groups had to wait years (and some are still waiting)

NOAA
National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration
 * 1) NOAA to be gutted under Trump. Because who needs accurate weather forecasts, hurricane warnings, and current information on lightning strikes
 * 2) Trump tweets snowstorm warning from the agency whose budget he's planning to slash

FCC
Federal Communications Commission
 * 1) Privacy, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing. GOP wants to do away with FCC's entire privacy rulemaking to allow ISPs to sell your entire browsing history to advertisers or other third parties without your consent
 * 2) And there it is, the stupidest comment on net neutrality you've heard all day

OMB
Office of Management & Budget
 * 1) Have flood insurance? Congratulations, you're now paying for the border wall
 * 2) Trump White House on CBO report on Trumpcare: unbelievable, fake news. Our own analysis shows that by 2026 twice as many Americans will lose health insurance as the CBO report. So there

Director of the OMB

 * 1) Trump tries, fails to be Presidential. This is not a repeat from every hour of every day for the past 47 days
 * 2) President Trump (R) in January:"There will be health insurance for everybody. Much less expensive than Obamacare and much better." White House Budget Director Mulvaney (R) in March:"Insurance for ordinary people is not really the end goal"
 * 3) Trump administration makes up an accusation against Obama with zero proof offered. Shockingly, this is not a repeat of the last 20,343 times this has happened
 * 4) Mulvaney: "We can't ask a coal miner to pay for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting." This story brought to you by the letters 'W,' 'T' and 'F'

The Fed
the Federal Reserve
 * 1) The Fed won't release any documents on its relationship with the Reptilians
 * 2) Political control over the Fed is inevitable. Which means the inflationary spiral that the Fed was put in place to prevent is also inevitable

Secretary of Health and Human Services

 * 1) GOP wants you to know that Keith Hall is a liberal hack who isn't fit to be CBO director
 * 2) Even Breitbart thinks that Tom Price's comments that "everyone will be covered" under Trumpscare was the lie of the year
 * 3) Tom Price thinks it should be up to states, not the Federal Government, to decide if vaccines are required
 * 4) HHS Sec. Tom Price says that benchmark for healthcare should be care, not insurance coverage. Aight we can all agree on that? Now let's hear how Trump/GOP plans to provide said care... oh laissez-faire mmmkay that worked magnificently the last time
 * 5) Just in time for your Friday news dump- US Attorney Preet Bharara was actively investigating HHS Director Tom Price when fired
 * 6) Tom Price tells CNN that Trump's promise of universal health coverage is right behind the ACA repeal and passage of the Blood God Budget. The specifics are secret. Trust him

Medicaid Administrator
Seema Verma
 * 1) The problem with Medicaid expansion is that it expanded Medicaid says the new director of Medicaid expansively

NASA
National Aeronautics and Space Administration
 * 1) Trump's NASA budget includes Mars mission and little else. Budget for movie The Martian was bigger

Corporation for Public Broadcasting

 * 1) Reason magazine has never suffered through a PBS telethon
 * 2) Donald Trump may succeed in accomplishing what Mitt Romney could not do: Taking down Big Bird

Federal Aviation Administration

 * 1) President Trump wants to privatize the nation's air traffic controllers to save money. What could possibly go wrong?

CIA

 * 1) Newly declassified documents show that it's not just fake news, it's the CIA's news
 * 2) Wikileaks is publishing all of Donald's secrets. Wait, it's only 1000s of CIA documents? That's not the same thing? But he's the President. Damn you Obama
 * 3) So the CIA stole Russian hacking software to make it look like the Russians were hacking people when it was really the CIA. So was the CIA the real DNC email hacker?
 * 4) There's only one common theme in the WikiLeaks and Snowden scandal: Russia always stands to gain
 * 5) Sen. Murphy says what many of us are thinking, Wikileaks timing for releasing this info on the CIA is suspiciously timed, almost as if they were trying to deflect attention from something else, but what could that be?
 * 6) The real shocker in the WikiLeaks scoop is the demonstration, once again, that the U.S. government can't keep secrets
 * 7) White House finally responds to growing questions about Wikileaks CIA dump, Trump's wiretap accusation and connections to Russia...by canceling all press events
 * 8) Thanks to Trump, the CIA can conduct drone strikes in secret
 * 9) Trump leaked classified CIA intel to Tucker Carlson on live TV: ranking House intel member
 * 10) Foreign government accused of meddling in domestic politics. Why yes this is a repeat from 1951 and the CIA is involved

No Such Agency

 * 1) Mathematicians are fleeing the NSA because Trump
 * 2) FBI and NSA called to testify on Trump-Russia investigation. CIA was going to be called, but thanks to Wikileaks, Congress already knows what CIA was going to say anyway

Director of No Such Agency
Admiral Mike Rogers, US Navy
 * 1) Pro tip: Wait until the hearing is over before you mischaracterize someone's congressional testimony, Mr. President, or you run the risk of being corrected in real-time

Deputy Director of No Such Agency
Richard Ledgett
 * 1) Deputy Director of the NSA calls Trump's UK spying allegations "just crazy", "arrant nonsense". Then insinuates Trump is ignorant and stupid. Why yes, he is retiring shortly

National Endowment for the Arts

 * 1) So, if we eliminate funding for the National Endowment for the Arts, what could we use that money for? How about building one mile of the 405 freeway? Wait, make that "not even a mile"

State Department

 * 1) State Department now in hospice care
 * 2) State Department cancels first scheduled press briefing of the month. Oh, I'm sorry, did I say month? I meant "of the Trump administration", because there hasn't been one since Obama's last day in office
 * 3) So, has anyone else noticed that the handicapping of the State Department that President Trump has engaged in, benefits Russia and Putin tremendously?
 * 4) The "Deep State" is just a figment of Steve Bannon's diseased imagination. But that's just what they *want* you to think
 * 5) Tillerson backs out of Keystone Pipeline review, eliminating one of his conflicts of interest, leaving him with only 1,395,025
 * 6) Meh, we didn't need those Afghans who helped U.S. forces despite risk to life and limb anyways
 * 7) Trump plan to cut foreign aid comes just as the threat of famine is surging in various places around the world, fomenting unrest and destabilizing regions the US is trying to stabilize to prevent ISIS from making inroads

Secretary of State

 * 1) So what happened to all this worry that Tillerson was going to sell off chunks of Ukraine to Russia for some of that sweet sweet oil money? Probably would help if he showed up to work once in awhile
 * 2) Tillerson backs out of Keystone Pipeline review, eliminating one of his conflicts of interest, leaving him with only 1,395,025
 * 3) Rex Tillerson may not be a firm believer in Climate Change, but his intra-company alias Wayne Tracker believed that it was about to get hot enough to pop popcorn on the sidewalk
 * 4) Tillerson is traveling Asia with only one journalist, totally not a right wing hack from the Independent Journal Review, founded by conservatives in 2012. So, expect some enlightening coverage from this genius
 * 5) Tillerson: What if we nuke them? That's new, right?
 * 6) Rex Tillerson's first foreign policy trip went so badly that North Korea is now threatening a nuclear strike
 * 7) Rex Tillerson is cutting meetings short due to fatigue. Who knew that all that winning could be so exhausting?
 * 8) In extremely polite Diplo-speak, China, through its state-run Media is basically saying they made Secretary of State Tillerson and the US their biatches during his visit this weekend
 * 9) Tillerson to skip parent-teacher conference in lieu of hanging out with his best friend during school hours
 * 10) Massachusetts AG tells Exxon to preserve their emails, especially from the alias of Secretary of State Tillerson, in case they need to try the alias for misleading the public about climate change
 * 11) SoS Rex Tillerson: "I didn't want this job. I didn't seek this job. My wife told me I'm supposed to do this." The Best People®, folks
 * 12) WAPO writer: I criticized Sec State Tillerson for not speaking to press. I was wrong, after reading report by the only reporter allowed to travel with him, I think he should shut the hell up until he demonstrates that he knows what he's taking about
 * 13) Rex Tillerson says the most powerful country on earth is unable to sustain a working State Department
 * 14) Tillerson forced to ask congress to hurry the fark up and ratify NATO confirmation for Montenegro, please

Undersecretary of State
Tom Shannon

UN Ambassador

 * 1) Nikki Haley speaks out, saying that we shouldn't trust anyone involved in helping elect Trump
 * 2) Trump Administration to boycott UN council over anti-Israel agenda, because the best way to stop something you don't like is to prevent yourself from voting to stop it

Ambassador to Russia

 * 1) Putin taps Jon Huntsman as ambassador from US

UN Ambassador for Food and Agriculture

 * 1) Brownback catches last chopper outta Saigon...er....Kansas