Drumpfster Fire

A compilation of Fark threads related to the dumpster fire that is the administration of the 45th President of the United States of America.

=Head Toupee=

Top 25 Nicknames
''This section will provide the many nicknames this asshole has earned, with credit when known. They are in approximate order of appearance on the internet.

For the full, categorized list, please visit this page''


 * 1) short-fingered vulgarian (Spy magazine's Graydon Carter and Kurt Andersen)
 * 2) tiny fingered, Cheeto-faced, ferret wearing shitgibbon (@MetalOllie via Twitter)
 * 3) Flim Flam Führer
 * 4) Deadbeat Donnie
 * 5) President Joffrey
 * 6) Cheeto Supreme
 * 7) fecal fingered Caligula
 * 8) Orange Mugabe
 * 9) Marmalade Mussulini
 * 10) Dynamite Shitgibbon
 * 11) Boss Tweet
 * 12) Trumplethinskin
 * 13) Kim Jong Trump
 * 14) President Asterisk
 * 15) President Daddy
 * 16) Prince Trumperdink (Carey Elwes)
 * 17) President Breaking Wind (Sir Ian McKellen via Twitter)
 * 18) ORALLY INCONTINENT PEDDLER OF FLYBLOWN MONKEY BOLLOCKS
 * 19) hairsprayed huckster
 * 20) Cheeto Guevera
 * 21) President Cheetolicious
 * 22) Super Callous Fragile Racist Sexist Nazi POTUS
 * 23) Tangerine gabshite walloper Lorna Wallace, of Kilmarnock in Scotland
 * 24) Gramma Killer
 * 25) Lord Dampnut (Colin Mochrie via Urban Dictionary)

Executive Meaningless Displays of Power or Just Plain Evil or Stupid Shit
For the full mess, please visit the archive
 * February, 2017
 * For General Fuckery, check below

Pretext for war

 * 1) Alternative facts are about to turn Iran into a glass parking lot
 * 2) As his lackeys in Washington come under increasing scrutiny, Vladimir Putin decides to secretly deploy cruise missiles in violation of treaty that ended Cold War

Executive Orders

 * 1) How to revoke an executive order. Difficulty: Success rate rare if not impossible
 * 2) Draft of Trump's "Religious Freedom" order protects "any act or refusal to act that is motivated by a sincerely held religious belief, whether or not the act is required or compelled by, or central to, a system of religious belief." -ANY- -ACT-
 * 3) Yo dawg, I heard you like executive orders so I wrote an executive order that violates an executive order about executive orders
 * 4) Trump signs 3 new executive orders to implement a "new era of justice." Scary tag in use because they are now in effect
 * 5) Trump to rewrite executive order despite his claims that there's NOTHING wrong with it
 * 6) Trump promises future illegal actions that the courts will have to throw out

Meglomania, Jingoism

 * 1) Trump takes the opportunity of his Black History Month speech to sooth racial tensions in the US. Just kidding he spends the most of the speech complaining about CNN
 * 2) Turns out that convoy that drove through Louisville flying a Trump flag on Sunday belonged to a Navy Special Warfare unit. No, that's not ominous at all
 * 3) The Navy has opened an investigation into why that convoy was flying a Trump flag
 * 4) Day 12: Trump stops an infant from getting life-saving open heart surgery
 * 5) Trump wants to pull UC Berkeley's funding because they successfully stopped hate speech
 * 6) Trump calls on National Prayer Breakfast attendees to pray for Arnold Schwarzenegger's Apprentice ratings
 * 7) Arnold Schwarzenegger responds to Trump: How about we switch jobs? Then people can sleep comfortably again
 * 8) "When you hear about the tough phone calls I'm having, don't worry about it," Trump said. "Just don't worry about it." Checkmate, libs
 * 9) There's a secret code word for when Donald Trump is having sex in the White House
 * 10) "I'm going to lie to your face, then lie some more, then cover that with a lie but I'm for realsies telling the truth"
 * 11) Trump salutes Black History Month by being stupid and worrying about the name, changes it to African American History Month. His comedic take on political correctness. Don't quit your day job
 * 12) Meanwhile in the Texas education system
 * 13) From the "It's OK when it's My Guy" desk: Donald Trump's trip to Mar-a-Lago this weekend will cost taxpayers $3 million
 * 14) Donnie brags about his travel ban after guy attacks Louvre. Only problem is guy was not from one of the seven countries banned. Why is Donnie so damned dumb?
 * 15) Trump to Uber CEO Travis Kalanick for bailing on the presidential tech panel: "If you want to cut off your access to the White House, fark you"
 * 16) Well the Obama-Trump truce escalated quickly
 * 17) It appears that the Trump White House's "boycott" of CNN lasted about as long as Trump's attention span when he skips a dose of Adderall
 * 18) Trump says federal court order is outrageous. I'm freakin' President and I wanna do what I wanna do. That's why I became President so that I could have absolute power. Did I mention that I'm President? Where's my executive order pen?
 * 19) Trump says, "You think our country's so innocent?" - in response to comment about Putin being a killer. Trump continues, I mean this country voted for me in spite of knowing what a jerk-off racist conman I was. Stop being so naive
 * 20) Trump threatens to defund 'out of control' California
 * 21) Real news doesn't have negative polls about his holiness The Trump, only fake news does. The Trump knows his numbers and he has great support. Enormous support, believe me, everyone actually supports him
 * 22) Puppet-in-Chief McGrubby Hands takes to Twitter to correct the record and let everyone know that he, not President Bannon is the one calling the shots in the White House
 * 23) President Trump:"Obama likes me"
 * 24) Pro-Trump rally in Portland attracts yuuuge crowd. You've never seen crowds so yuge, believe me
 * 25) Trump White House Official finally admits it. The only reason they are calling everything "fake news" is because most news stories do not present the dear leader in a flattering light
 * 26) Trump threatens a Senator that has the gall to uphold the Constitution. "Who is that state senator? I want to hear his name. We'll destroy his career," Trump said, prompting laughter
 * 27) Trump: the murder rate is the highest in 47 years. FBI: no, it is the lowest in almost 50 years #fakenews
 * 28) Meet Donald Trump's details man. Wait, he has one?
 * 29) White House press secretary Spicer announces Nordstrom's decision to drop Ivanka Trump's fashion line is a direct attack on the President. Coming up next: USA declares war on Nordstrom
 * 30) "[Trump's definitely underwater on favorability and job rating," said Bernie Porn, president of polling firm and winner of 'Worst Name to Google Ever']
 * 31) Here's a list of 62 companies Trump has publicly bashed, from Amazon and Apple, through Google and Glenfiddich to Verizon and the WSJ. Time to check his portfolio and see who he's going "short" on..oh...wait...we can't
 * 32) Secret Service launches emotional protection division to protect Trump's delicate sensibilities
 * 33) Next up: legalizing blood diamonds, because warlords need hotels too
 * 34) Italian town builds a statue of Donald Trump. To keep it classical, the Venus de Milo will serve as a template for his hands
 * 35) Tillerson, Kushner, and Preibus all endorsed Elliott Abrams, a conservative, highly respected expert on middle-east affairs, for State Department #2. Of course, Trump showed him the door after he learned that Elliott once spoke out against him
 * 36) Fake News confirms elements of Fake Dossier
 * 37) Trump promises future illegal actions that the courts will have to throw out
 * 38) Right now, the White House Press Corp is sitting in the basement of a private golf club with black plastic covering the windows so they can't watch the POTUS golf. Welcome to the new incredibly thin skinned normal, citizen
 * 39) Trump decides he doesn't want to visit Parliament anyway. No word yet on his opinion of Funkadelic
 * 40) If you picked a song to describe Donald Trump's approval rating, it would probably be "I'll Tumble 4 Ya"
 * 41) After a rocky first month as President, Donald Trump has done some serious soul-searching and deep introspection...and concluded HE'S awesome, it's just that his staff sucks and he needs a new one
 * 42) Just in case you're strange or weird, here's everything Trump has tweeted since he became President. Next week, everything Trump has thought about tweeting but Ivanka stopped him
 * 43) Singer's album skyrocketed in sales after wearing a dress supporting Trump at the Grammys
 * 44) Looks like Donald Trump's biggest supporter at the Grammys did not support him until very recently, almost like she is just supporting him as some kind of publicity stunt or marketing ploy
 * 45) "New Trump appointees are carrying coffee mugs with that Trump campaign slogan into meetings with foreign counterparts"
 * 46) America doesn't deserve Donald Trump says Alex Jones
 * 47) The latest so-called poll from Gallup, who's a failing pollster mind you, shows that Trump's approval rating is -15 with fake voters. Sad
 * 48) "Well, you know what's interesting, this is our fifth Super Bowl in the last 16 years and every time we've had the privilege of going to the White House, a dozen of our players don't go. This is the first time it's gotten any media attention"
 * 49) Trump: "Mark Cuban isn't smart enough to run for President". Cuban: "LOL"
 * 50) A reminder: Trump did not fire Flynn, but he fired the woman who warned him Flynn was compromised
 * 51) Trophy Wife's "Let them eat cake" Moment(s)
 * 52) FLOTUS upset the Daily Mail prevented her from making millions from her new "once in a lifetime" job
 * 53) White House press secretary Spicer announces Nordstrom's decision to drop Ivanka Trump's fashion line is a direct attack on the President. Coming up next: USA declares war on Nordstrom
 * 54) Nordstrom stock jumps after Trump tantrum
 * 55) Ivanka Trump's merchandise available at T.J. Maxx trashbins near you
 * 56) Is what is expected of a First Lady outdated?
 * 57) Kellyanne Conway to Fox News viewers: "Go buy Ivanka's stuff," and yes, she actually said that
 * 58) 5 CFR 2635.702: § 2635.702 Use of public office for private gain. "An employee shall not use his public office ..for the endorsement of any product, service or enterprise, or for the private gain of friends, relatives"
 * 59) White House press secretary Sean Spicer says Conway was "counseled" for pushing Ivanka Trump products. Coming up next: White House press secretary Sean Spicer replaced by the ShamWow guy

Generalissimo Know-It-All

 * 1) Donald Trump knows so much more than the generals, he ordered Navy Seals to attack a fortified terrorist outpost without sufficient intel, no ground support, and no contingency plans
 * 2) Not only did the Yemen raid go so poorly that it left a Navy SEAL and over 20 civilians dead, they didn't even get their intended target: an Al Qaeda leader who is now taunting Trump for the failure
 * 3) Spicer: Questioning the raid where we got that guy killed is an insult and disservice to that guy we got killed
 * 4) Yemen rescinds consent for US forces after botched Trump raid
 * 5) Trump dined, people died
 * 6) Trump's listening session on problems within the Veterans Administration was missing something kind of important
 * 7) U.S. Army once again poised to violate treaty obligations to Native American tribes. All of this has happened before, all of this will happen again
 * 8) Putin: "So what you think of START treaty?" Trump: "Hold on." [to aide "Psst, what's the START treaty?"]
 * 9) Trump's naval buildup may be deadlier than you imagined. And not because we're gonna have another Battle of Jutland

Muslim ban

 * 1) Day 11: Trump kills a grandma
 * 2) Day 11: Trump didn't actually kill anyone's Grandma
 * 3) CNN producer detained at Atlanta airport will challenge Trump travel ban under two federal laws
 * 4) Echo chamber of idiocy Tomi Lahren goes on rant about the importance of Trump's Muslim ban, winds up explaining why the refugees are fleeing their home countries in the first place
 * 5) White House says Mosque shooting further evidence the Muslim ban is a great idea because it would have prevented it (it wouldn't) by stopping foreigners (the shooter's a Trump supporter from Canada) from shooting Christians (the victims were Muslims)
 * 6) First Not-A-Muslim Ban poll finds an overwhelming majority Americans hate the Trump order. Just kidding, it's big league popular
 * 7) Bannon and Trump start a war on breastfeeding
 * 8) A complete rundown of all the lawsuits filed against Trump for his Muslim ban
 * 9) Jenna Bush uses her father's words to rebuke Trump on his immigration ban
 * 10) Comcast protests Trump immigration order, holds rally between the hours of 2-4 pm
 * 11) KellyAnne Conway cites the infamous Bowling Green Massacre in defense of Trump's Muslim ban. And really, who could ever forget that tragic event?
 * 12) Federal judge halts enforcement of Trump Muslim ban. This is not a repeat from the numerous times this already happened in the past week. Dear God, it's only been a week
 * 13) Donnie brags about his travel ban after guy attacks Louvre. Only problem is guy was not from one of the seven countries banned. Why is Donnie so damned dumb?
 * 14) A little-noticed clause in Trump's immigration ban is so batcrap crazy that legal experts now assume that it should just be ignored because the authors clearly didn't know what the hell they were talking about
 * 15) Federal Judge to Trump: how about no on that travel ban of yours?
 * 16) Trump says federal court order is outrageous. I'm freakin' President and I wanna do what I wanna do. That's why I became President so that I could have absolute power. Did I mention that I'm President? Where's my executive order pen?
 * 17) Department of Homeland Security: Yea, we're gonna go ahead and listen to the federal judge
 * 18) The White House claimed that only 109 people were affected by Trump's Travel ban executive order. Turns out, the real number is slightly higher, but only by about three orders of magnitude
 * 19) Remember Elon Musk telling us how he is going to change things in the Trump administration from the inside? Yeah, about that
 * 20) Blizzard Entertainment criticizes Trump over travel ban, insists only they know how to properly throw a ban hammer
 * 21) Day 14: Trump decides letting a baby die due to the immigration ban will result in bad press
 * 22) DoJ appeals court decision, refuses to believe that someone dare speak against the will of Him
 * 23) The U.S. Court of Appeals for the 9th Circuit announced, at a time they knew Trump would be wide awake, that they have denied the Department of Justice's emergency motion to lift the travel ban restraining order
 * 24) While Trump continues to harp about wanting to build a wall to stop illegal immigration and terrorists coming from Mexico, FBI reports show that most terror suspects in the US come via Canada
 * 25) LIVE NOW: Oral Arguments livestream of the hearing on Trump's travel ban
 * 26) The appeal of the immigration ban ruling runs through the Ninth Circuit. Difficulty: One of the judges was a refugee
 * 27) Because when my organization has a giant spotlight shined on it, my first thought is to badger a lawyer for the ACLU
 * 28) Trump to judges: Even a 'bad high school student' would rule in my favor about my travel ban
 * 29) LAX detainees testify about "horrendous conditions"
 * 30) Breitbart reports that Venezuelan whistleblower is accusing the Venezuelan govt of selling Venezuelan passports, and other ID docs to Middle Easterners, including Hezbollah members. Difficulty: They cite Fake News site CNN as main source of evidence
 * 31) What country are you travelling from? How long are you planning to stay? What is your Facebook password?
 * 32) U.S. appeals court upholds suspension of Trump travel ban
 * 33) Three key mistakes Donald Trump made that led to the travel ban court defeat. And yes, his "Muslim ban" comments are mentioned
 * 34) How dare The Ninth Circuit Court use Trump's words on the campaign trail against him
 * 35) You think the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals that just issued a ruling against Donald Trump's immigration order is a good thing? Think again
 * 36) The "so-called" CIA is about to feel the wrath of a petulant two-year-old with nuclear capabilities
 * 37) Trump: "Hey losers, my Muslim ban is totally amazing and luxurious according to lawyer.bligshiat.com"
 * 38) Trump promises future illegal actions that the courts will have to throw out
 * 39) Trump voters in the Dakotas will be burying more of their children thanks to their enthusiastic support of deporting the only pediatric endocrinologist in a 150,000 sq mi area
 * 40) That eight-member Supreme Court will hurt Trump and the GOP. If only they hadn't stonewalled Obama
 * 41) In shocking news, Trump has been telling lies about his Muslim ban
 * 42) Canadian born passport holder denied entry to USA because Terrorism
 * 43) Remember Olympic-winner Ibtihaj Muhammad being detained at the airport because of Trump's Muslin ban? Yeah...about that
 * 44) Muslim Ban executive order blocked by Virginia judge. Hey wait, Virginia isn't in the Ninth Circuit

Fiddling with foreign relations

 * 1) The EU president now considers the US, together with radical Islam, China, and Russia to be a major threat
 * 2) While speaking to the Mexican President, Trump proposes sending US troops to Mexico to take care of "Bad Hombres"
 * 3) President Trump threatens decades-old alliance with Australia by going apeshiat on what was supposed to be a pleasant phone call, because of a pre-existing agreement to take in 1,250 refugees
 * 4) Spokesman for Peña Nieto says its a "downright lie" Trump threatened to send U.S. soldiers into Mexico during a phone call with the Mexican President
 * 5) Iran responds to Trump in a way that's sure to provoke a nuclear holocaust: "LOL, check out this clown"
 * 6) "Who's next, Switzerland?" The internet cannot fathom how Trump started an attack on Australia. Never mess with criminal descendants
 * 7) "When you hear about the tough phone calls I'm having, don't worry about it," Trump said. "Just don't worry about it." Checkmate, libs
 * 8) North Korea: U.S. to suffer "catastrophic outcome" in March
 * 9) Well it's now inevitable that the US will soon go to war with China ...at least according to chief Trump strategist Steve Bannon
 * 10) Is Ukraine trying to sabotage the detente between Russia and Trump? Maybe
 * 11) Ukraine, who may not have been following US poltical developments as closely as they should have in the last few months, desperately appeals to the US for help in staving off renewed Russian aggression against their country
 * 12) Trump wants to negotiate for an extra "F" in NAFTA. Extra U, I, and A to follow
 * 13) A prominent Russian opposition activist has been hospitalized with sudden organ failure, two years after he almost died of suspected poisoning. Nothing to see here, move along comrade
 * 14) Germany erects wall around America and the tourists love it
 * 15) Donald Trump: Losing friends and influencing Ayatollahs
 * 16) Our President is so respected abroad that even cartoonists in Chinese State Media think it's okay to make fun of him. Bonus: Place him in an iconic Titanic scene, wearing a Nazi band on his arm
 * 17) Even British Prime Minister Theresa May can't help but joke about Trump's little hands
 * 18) China is gearing up for WW3 for no particular reason. You know, just in case
 * 19) Yemen rescinds consent for US forces after botched Trump raid
 * 20) In Russian media, "Donald Trump" was mentioned more than "Vladimir Putin," unseating the Soviet dictator for the first time in years
 * 21) Trump continues his winning trend of alienating the allies of the United States by demanding a refund of NATO funds from French President Francois Hollande
 * 22) In call with Erdogan, Trump stresses close relationship with Turkey, looks forward to pardoning it before Thanksgiving
 * 23) France's Macron seen beating Le Pen in presidential runoff. I don't speak French, but isn't that headline a bit explicit?
 * 24) Japan May Woo Trump with 700,000 U.S. Jobs and a $7 Billion Factory. This, to ward off criticism of its trade and monetary policy
 * 25) Tories threaten to abolish the House of Lords if they don't Brexit
 * 26) Next up: legalizing blood diamonds, because warlords need hotels too
 * 27) Putin: "So what you think of START treaty?" Trump: "Hold on." [to aide "Psst, what's the START treaty?"]
 * 28) Bullshiat Spice denies Trump was confused by the START treaty
 * 29) Trump: The Japanese government prevents Japanese consumers from buying American cars. Japanese Consumer: We can buy American cars if we want to, but we don't want to because, well, American cars suck
 * 30) It doesn't count; I had my fingers crossed
 * 31) Trump on the campaign trail: "CHINA CHINA EVIL CHINA MUST STAND UP TO CHINA FREE TAIWAN" Trump today: "Please take my calls. I love you. I'm sorry?"
 * 32) More proof that Trump can't read: Claims NYTimes is fakenews because they didn't say he talked to China yesterday in an article about him talking to China yesterday
 * 33) President Trumpy is out of his mind if he thinks he can split up BFF Russia and Iran.They're not getting out of bed with each other anytime soon
 * 34) Iran stages pro-American rally. Well, at least pro the Americans who don't want Trump's travel ban
 * 35) While we've been arguing about Betsy DeVos and Nordstroms, Russia has sold off almost 20% of it's State owned oil company in a convoluted deal involving Singapore, Qatar, and a Cayman Islands company with unknown owners. Tired of winning yet?
 * 36) "What are they saying?" Trump asked Abe, referring to photographers who were speaking Japanese. "Please look at me," the Prime Minister translated. Trump appeared to take the translation literally, and began to stare at the Prime Minister
 * 37) Italian town builds a statue of Donald Trump. To keep it classical, the Venus de Milo will serve as a template for his hands
 * 38) There was once a President from Turkey, who acted a bit jerkey, I can't think of anything else that rhymes with Turkey but Erdogan's mother was a whore
 * 39) The Economist has come out questioning Trump's ability to make a deal with Russia. Fake news
 * 40) Trump decides he doesn't want to visit Parliament anyway. No word yet on his opinion of Funkadelic
 * 41) Peru asks Trump to act against Toledo because fark Ohio, that's why
 * 42) "As Mar-a-Lago's wealthy members looked on from their tables, Trump and Abe's evening meal quickly morphed into a strategy session, the decision-making on full view to fellow diners." But can you imagine the security risk of it had been via email?
 * 43) Normally reserved, impeccably mannered President-elect of Germany once lashed out at Trump, calling him a "hate preacher". Yeah, whatever, like Germans have a clue about leaders who hate, based on race, religion, ethnicity, and gender preference
 * 44) Trudeau hopes his White House visit will be productive and not the giant waste of time it's more likely to be
 * 45) War with Canada starts at 2pm
 * 46) Trump met Trudeau today: Let's compare and contrast the two world leaders
 * 47) Kremlin confirms their top agent will meet with Putin in July
 * 48) Miles de personas protestan contra Trump en la Ciudad de México
 * 49) You know what happened the last time someone tried to create a new world order because of American aggression? Okay maybe you didn't
 * 50) How badly is Donald Trump screwing up? Let's put it this way: even IRAQ, which is currently depending on US troops and airstrikes to keep from becoming the new home of ISIS' caliphate, isn't sure they want to be friends anymore
 * 51) China blames the US and South Korea for North Korea going ballistic
 * 52) Swiss voters look at America and decide against having a welfare system for businesses
 * 53) Russian lawmakers launch a spirited defense of Michael Flynn in a classic case of "you're not helping"
 * 54) RT sends tweet congratulating Ambassador to Glorious Motherland a happy retirement
 * 55) Apparently Australia has crazy right wing politicians just like America. This illiterate one thinks gays use Nazi mind control to get people to think that gay marriage is OK. Now, she's crawling back under her rock
 * 56) As his lackeys in Washington come under increasing scrutiny, Vladimir Putin decides to secretly deploy cruise missiles in violation of treaty that ended Cold War

Voting Laws

 * 1) Trump owned golf course shanks it into the rough, gets hit with a $6M stroke penalty by a federal judge
 * 2) Trump realizes the implications of saying he won an illegitimate election
 * 3) Donald Trump still thinks voter fraud is a reality
 * 4) After 2016 raised serious concerns about outside governments trying to influence or even hack our elections, House Republicans have swung into action: to advance a bill to eliminate the Election Assistance Commission which oversees ballot security
 * 5) 1 down, 2,999,999 to go
 * 6) The latest voter fraud lie courtesy of Team Trump

The Bigly Wall of Trump, The Best, Believe Me

 * 1) DHS Secretary says border wall should be finished in two years. Stop laughing, he's serious. Really
 * 2) Trump is never getting his wall. Never. Not for any altruistic or decently human reasons, mind you, but because business owners and the Republicans they control are addicted to cheap labor
 * 3) CEO and owner of *$ lumber says she is a supporter of President Trump, and his proposed border wall, which totally explains why her company just spent millions of dollars on a Superbowl ad depicting the wall as inhumane and Un-American
 * 4) Trump is finding out the hard way that the Pope really *is* Catholic
 * 5) Trump: The wall will cost $10 billion. House GOP: Um, maybe more like $15 billion. DHS: Guys, make that $22 billion, and that doesn't cover the part that goes through the mountains
 * 6) "_______ will pay for itself", said every conman ever

Secret and Alternative Plans to Defeat Islamic State

 * 1) Trump's counter-terrorism efforts will focus exclusively on Islam, so that's good news for all the white supremacist Christian terrorists who want to attack mosques, minority churches, and anything else in the name of the alt-right

Dodd-Frank

 * 1) Damage Report, day 14- Dodd-Frank and most financial regulations are going away
 * 2) If only there was something we could impeach him for. Wait, he said WHAT?

Physical Health
For threads concerning mental health, please click here
 * 1) Trump's longtime "doctor" says that he takes a dead prairie dog growth drug
 * 2) So after two grueling weeks on the job, Trump felt he needed a vacation. But did he go golfing? Staffers refuse to say. So...is this Golfgate or Golfghazi?
 * 3) Donald Trump 'surprised' that being President is so much work
 * 4) Trump going on vacation for the third time in four weeks. Tell me again how Obama played golf all the time?

Finding Jesus

 * 1) Trump could use his speech at the National Prayer Breakfast to attempt some reconciliation with political opponents
 * 2) Coming soon to a church near you: Taxpayer subsidized political campaigning
 * 3) Trump says he'll destroy the separation between church and state. Plans on wiping his arse with the rest of the constitution later this week
 * 4) Draft of Trump's "Religious Freedom" order protects "any act or refusal to act that is motivated by a sincerely held religious belief, whether or not the act is required or compelled by, or central to, a system of religious belief." -ANY- -ACT-
 * 5) God's wrath
 * 6) "Immigration is God's punishment for evolution in schools, gay rights, and legal abortion." Direct quote from Carl Gallups
 * 7) Christian Identity
 * 8) Trump removes white supremacist groups from terror watch program, which will now only focus on Islamic groups
 * 9) Good news: Controversial protest at UC Berkeley succeeds. Bad news: At driving pre-sales of Milo Yiannopoulos's new book through the roof
 * 10) Opening the Seventh Seal
 * 11) Trump does something unusual by seemingly considering one aspect of foreign policy in a tempered and thoughtful fashion. OK, what's the catch?

Global Gag Rule

 * 1) NRO: "80% of Americans support the Mexico City Policy." Which is odd considering only about 10% of Americans know WTF that is

Sanctuary cities

 * 1) Don't mess with Texas...unless you are President Trump and threaten to cut our federal funding. Then we are eager to roll over and be your ever obedient biatch

Russian Economic Sanctions

 * 1) Treasury Department eases economic sanctions against Russia
 * 2) "I'm going to lie to your face, then lie some more, then cover that with a lie but I'm for realsies telling the truth"
 * 3) White House says Russian sanctions being lifted is not really happening. Nothing to see here. Please move along
 * 4) While we've been arguing about Betsy DeVos and Nordstroms, Russia has sold off almost 20% of it's State owned oil company in a convoluted deal involving Singapore, Qatar, and a Cayman Islands company with unknown owners. Tired of winning yet?
 * 5) "Since January 20, we've assumed that the Kremlin has ears inside the SITROOM"
 * 6) Signs multiplying that Michael Flynn will be the first to be thrown under the Trump administration's short bus
 * 7) Kremlin spokesman denies Michael Flynn discussed the lifting of sanctions with the Russian ambassador, because if you can't trust Russia, who can you trust?
 * 8) Russian Ambassador to the White House resigns

H-1B Visas

 * 1) Killing H1B visas won't stop offshoring. Firms will employ Americans to help offshore jobs, and eventually replace the Americans with bots

Immigrants

 * 1) "Immigration is God's punishment for evolution in schools, gay rights, and legal abortion." Direct quote from Carl Gallups
 * 2) GOP: We're not against immigrants in our country, we love legal immigrants. It's those who are here illegally that are the problem. Okay, we lied, we don't like them either
 * 3) While you were busy buying Ivanka shiat, a mother of two US born kids, who has been in America since she was 14, and was appealing her voluntary deportation order by appearing twice a year at the INS office, was just cuffed and thrown over the border
 * 4) The purge has begun
 * 5) What it means to be an immigrant in the US in Trump's America

We get it; he's black

 * 1) If you chose TPP, Bowling Green, Iran, Prayer Breakfast, Muslim Ban, or Berkeley as the top conservative news story today, you are out of touch

Muslin Usurper

 * 1) Did you know Barack Obama is personally orchestrating a Satanic sedition against Donald Trump?
 * 2) New jobless claims last month fell to a 43-year low. Thanks, Obama, and, err, sorry about the ...you know

Ninja Obama Staffers

 * 1) Trump blames leaks of the transcripts to his Australia and Mexico phone calls on "Obama people," whom I guess were hiding behind the curtains or in the air ducts or something

Women in the workplace

 * 1) Donald demands that women on his staff "dress like women." The internet provides helpful examples for them
 * 2) Trump holds meeting to discuss women in the workplace. No women invited to the meeting of course
 * 3) President Trump wanted to hire one of those blond Fox News chicks as press secretary because reasons, but Priebus pushed for Spicer because reasons. It's unclear if those reasons were similar

Not Protesting

 * 1) There's an app to help you defeat facism because of course there is
 * 2) Michigan Republican offers solution of "Another Kent State" to resolve all those pesky students expressing their opinions

Terror

 * 1) According to the President of the United States, the reason we're not all terrified of terrorists is because the media doesn't report on all the terrifying terrorism the terrible terrorists are terrorizing us with
 * 2) White House releases lists of under reported terrorist attacks. Manages to misspell San Bernardino... which is probably why they think it was under reported. Sad
 * 3) Anderson Cooper to Trump on "under reported" terror attacks, I was there, reporting from most of them, and here's the video of me at each location. Bro, Do you even CNN?
 * 4) Donald Trump's 'Unreported Terror Attack' list contains more typos than actual unreported terror attacks
 * 5) Trumcipal .Caught sayof unpresidented that has Rediculous chocker "See, underreported Denmakr" is He attak Inglish or not. Dana Milbank says yes. Washington Post looking for aBannon -OR- "hello, I am latest honer boner agin"
 * 6) The Bowling Green Massacre was so last week, White House now pushing narrative of terrorist attack in Atlanta that never happened
 * 7) Spicer has referred to a non-existent terror attack in Atlanta three times. This is what happens when you're staffed by the Breitbart comments section and not national security professionals
 * 8) Sean Sphincter claims he "clearly meant Orlando" after citing mystery Atlanta terrorist attack three times. Just like voters "clearly meant Hillary" but accidentally voted Trump

"Terror"

 * 1) FBI is so successful at fighting terrorism that their anti-terror units can take time off to harass pipeline protesters. Yay America

Dakota Pipeline

 * 1) U.S. Army once again poised to violate treaty obligations to Native American tribes. All of this has happened before, all of this will happen again
 * 2) FBI is so successful at fighting terrorism that their anti-terror units can take time off to harass pipeline protesters. Yay America

Illiteracy

 * 1) Looks like Samantha Bee might have been right after all. Little Donnie can't read
 * 2) More proof that Trump can't read: Claims NYTimes is fakenews because they didn't say he talked to China yesterday in an article about him talking to China yesterday

The Economy

 * 1) "Trump was confused about the dollar: Was it a strong one that's good for the economy? Or a weak one? So he made a call his national security adviser who didn't know, said that it wasn't his area of expertise, and to ask an economist"
 * 2) Japan May Woo Trump with 700,000 U.S. Jobs and a $7 Billion Factory. This, to ward off criticism of its trade and monetary policy

Notable Silence(s)

 * 1) Donald Trump often tweets about terror and violence, but said nothing about an attack in Quebec City. It's almost as if it didn't fit the narrative he has been trying to push or something
 * 2) Conway on Trump's Silence on the Quebec attack: "He Doesn't Tweet About Everything"

Stupidity

 * 1) Judging by this statement: "Abolitionist leader Frederick Douglass 'an example of somebody who's done an amazing job that is being recognized more and more, I notice'", Trump clearly doesn't know who Fred Douglass is
 * 2) Frederick Douglass may have been a civil rights pioneer but his descendants are clearly our nation's greatest practitioners of the passive-aggressive sick burn
 * 3) Trump team to rethink strategy of haphazardly stumbling around like idiots who can't find a light switch. Wait, they literally can't find the light switches in the White House and have been working in the dark? That explains quite a bit
 * 4) "What are they saying?" Trump asked Abe, referring to photographers who were speaking Japanese. "Please look at me," the Prime Minister translated. Trump appeared to take the translation literally, and began to stare at the Prime Minister
 * 5) "As Mar-a-Lago's wealthy members looked on from their tables, Trump and Abe's evening meal quickly morphed into a strategy session, the decision-making on full view to fellow diners." But can you imagine the security risk of it had been via email?
 * 6) Could there be any better picture that summarizes the Trump presidency thus far?
 * 7) Remember when Biden pointed in the direction of the football carrier and everyone lost their minds? Fun times
 * 8) Just in case you're strange or weird, here's everything Trump has tweeted since he became President. Next week, everything Trump has thought about tweeting but Ivanka stopped him
 * 9) "New Trump appointees are carrying coffee mugs with that Trump campaign slogan into meetings with foreign counterparts"
 * 10) Trump and his staff use their cell phone lights to work in the dark, ha ha. "Phones are portable television satellite trucks and, if compromised, can be used to get a great deal of information" *gulp*
 * 11) Assistant Dumbest Man on the Internet Lucian B. Wintrich granted White House press credentials

Misinformation

 * 1) More than half of Trump voters think The Bowling Green Massacre is proof that Trump's immigration ban is necessary
 * 2) Remember Pizzagate? It's back. In Philadelphia for some reason. And now it involves ice cream?
 * 3) Assistant Dumbest Man on the Internet Lucian B. Wintrich granted White House press credentials

Executive grifting
For the full mess, please visit the archive
 * 1) Memo to Democrats: Trump has already raised $16 million toward re-election
 * 2) Millions in Trump campaign funds went to Trump firms
 * 3) Fake News confirms elements of Fake Dossier

Tax Returns
For the full mess, please visit the archive

Avoiding Release Of

 * 1) GOP congressman: Not only should Donald Trump NOT release his tax returns, NO elected official should

Possible Release Of

 * 1) Do it

Sexual Predator

 * 1) Donald demands that women on his staff "dress like women." The internet provides helpful examples for them
 * 2) President Trump wanted to hire one of those blond Fox News chicks as press secretary because reasons, but Priebus pushed for Spicer because reasons. It's unclear if those reasons were similar

Leaks
For the full mess, please visit the archive
 * 1) Newly released emails show that the Trump administration was warned about ethics violations but didn't care
 * 2) Trump's own staff is starting to worry about his disintegrating mental and emotional state. But her emails
 * 3) Next up: legalizing blood diamonds, because warlords need hotels too
 * 4) Secret service director announces retirement, in a move that has nothing to do with Trump's paranoia about White House leaks

Alleged leaks

 * 1) POTUS appears to have a leaky Tweeter problem

Possible Russian Interference Of 2016 POTUS Election
For the full mess, please visit the archive

Crimes
This section will include all Fark threads related to crimes committed by the Head Toupee For the full mess, please visit the archive

Conflicts of Interest
This section will include all Fark threads related to conflicts of interest this asshole has himself entangled in For the full mess, please visit the archive
 * 1) Foreign policy insider: 'No readout of Trump-Putin call because White House turned off recording'
 * 2) Department of Defense looking to rent space in Trump Tower, which, "could directly funnel government money into the president's business interests." Well, that sounds like it's totally not a conflict of interest
 * 3) Next up: legalizing blood diamonds, because warlords need hotels too
 * 4) Kellyanne Conway to Fox News viewers: "Go buy Ivanka's stuff," and yes, she actually said that
 * 5) 5 CFR 2635.702: § 2635.702 Use of public office for private gain. "An employee shall not use his public office ..for the endorsement of any product, service or enterprise, or for the private gain of friends, relatives"
 * 6) Article 1, Section 9, Clause 8: no Person holding any Office of Profit or Trust under them, shall, without the Consent of the Congress, accept of any present, Emolument, Office, or Title, of any kind whatever, from any King, Prince or foreign State
 * 7) "New Trump appointees are carrying coffee mugs with that Trump campaign slogan into meetings with foreign counterparts"

Pay-to-play

 * 1) Hey, but at least he didn't give speeches to Wall Street, right guys?
 * 2) While we've been arguing about Betsy DeVos and Nordstroms, Russia has sold off almost 20% of it's State owned oil company in a convoluted deal involving Singapore, Qatar, and a Cayman Islands company with unknown owners. Tired of winning yet?

Ethics violations

 * 1) Newly released emails show that the Trump administration was warned about ethics violations but didn't care

Lawsuits
This section will include all Fark threads related to lawsuits filed against the Head Toupee For the full mess, please visit the archive
 * 1) Trump owned golf course shanks it into the rough, gets hit with a $6M stroke penalty by a federal judge
 * 2) A complete rundown of all the lawsuits filed against Trump for his Muslim ban

25th Amendment Solution
For the full mess, please visit the archive
 * 1) "Who's next, Switzerland?" The internet cannot fathom how Trump started an attack on Australia. Never mess with criminal descendants
 * 2) "When you hear about the tough phone calls I'm having, don't worry about it," Trump said. "Just don't worry about it." Checkmate, libs
 * 3) Trump has officially gone plaid... Even Fox news reporters are broken down to the point saying "I'm not sure what anything means" in regards to his behavior
 * 4) Trump blames leaks of the transcripts to his Australia and Mexico phone calls on "Obama people," whom I guess were hiding behind the curtains or in the air ducts or something
 * 5) Bill to require White House to have psychiatrist evaluate the mental health of the President. Here. I'll save you some money. The President is crazier than a barnyard rat on meth. There you go, see how easy that was?
 * 6) Trump is lonely in the White House. Awwww
 * 7) Happy 50th birthday to the 25th Amendment
 * 8) Donald Trump is vexed by the challenges and scale of government, light switches
 * 9) Members of Congress becoming increasingly frustrated with trying to communicate with President Trump resort to tweeting at him hoping he or the White House will notice
 * 10) Trump administration National Security staff told to keep briefs brief and use lots of pretty pictures because our president is a nimrod
 * 11) The Kremlin worries Trump is too "unpredictable" for them to control

The Queen Elizabeth Solution

 * 1) Reports that Queen Elizabeth has legal authority to behead Donald Trump have been found to be false

Impeachment

 * 1) Latest polls show Trump with a steady 40% support -- for his impeachment

Article 1, Section 9, Clause 8
Emoluments Clause
 * 1) Article 1, Section 9, Clause 8: no Person holding any Office of Profit or Trust under them, shall, without the Consent of the Congress, accept of any present, Emolument, Office, or Title, of any kind whatever, from any King, Prince or foreign State

Treason

 * 1) "Since January 20, we've assumed that the Kremlin has ears inside the SITROOM"
 * 2) Signs multiplying that Michael Flynn will be the first to be thrown under the Trump administration's short bus
 * 3) Russian Ambassador to the White House resigns
 * 4) Hey look at this article from two weeks ago about how Steve Bannon has been trying to usurp Gen. Michael Flynn's national security portfolio and bring the NSC under political control. I wonder if that's related to anything else in the news
 * 5) Roses are red, violets are blue, if Flynn has ties to Russia, then Trump does too
 * 6) A reminder: Trump did not fire Flynn, but he fired the woman who warned him Flynn was compromised
 * 7) Oh, nothing new with General Flynn, just the Army has been investigating whether Flynn received money from the Russian government during a trip he took to Moscow in 2015
 * 8) Russian lawmakers launch a spirited defense of Michael Flynn in a classic case of "you're not helping"
 * 9) RT sends tweet congratulating Ambassador to Glorious Motherland a happy retirement
 * 10) As his lackeys in Washington come under increasing scrutiny, Vladimir Putin decides to secretly deploy cruise missiles in violation of treaty that ended Cold War
 * 11) The hearings will begin any minute now
 * 12) The Kremlin worries Trump is too "unpredictable" for them to control
 * 13) Rep. Adam Schiff,the top Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee,told democrats in a private conference today that more information on Russia/Trump/Flynn ties will surface soon and "are only the beginning"

Job Creator

 * 1) January jobs report shows Donald Trump created 227,000 jobs, much higher than the piddly 180,000 jobs Obama was expected to create
 * 2) Do you even Labor Force Participation Rate, Bro?
 * 3) Killing H1B visas won't stop offshoring. Firms will employ Americans to help offshore jobs, and eventually replace the Americans with bots
 * 4) New jobless claims last month fell to a 43-year low. Thanks, Obama, and, err, sorry about the ...you know

Things Named After Him
that he doesn't own
 * 1) Not news: There is now a "The Donald" sandwich, which consists of two slices of moist, wonderful, white bread, a yuge slab of bologna, and a slice of American cheese. Fark: It's creator is a Republican immigrant that has strongly opposed Donnie JT

Actual Work

 * 1) Trump team to rethink strategy of haphazardly stumbling around like idiots who can't find a light switch. Wait, they literally can't find the light switches in the White House and have been working in the dark? That explains quite a bit
 * 2) Donald Trump is vexed by the challenges and scale of government, light switches
 * 3) GOP frets over the fact that people expect them to do stuff and fix things
 * 4) Understatement Of The Year Headline: This is going to be harder than Donald Trump expected

=Administration= This section will provide the names and eventual scandals/crimes/general instances of incompetence associated with these assholes For the full mess, please visit the archive

General Institutional Fuckery

 * 1) Why the Monday Night Massacre is a terrifying turn of events
 * 2) The Monday Night Massacre was no Sunday Night Massacre, which was an exquisite thing of beauty. But don't worry, Trump still has time to match that
 * 3) Bannon, Priebus meet with Australian ambassador to clean up Trump's mess ...probably made it worse
 * 4) For those keeping score at home, Donald Trump did 7 controversial things in his second week as president
 * 5) Trump team to rethink strategy of haphazardly stumbling around like idiots who can't find a light switch. Wait, they literally can't find the light switches in the White House and have been working in the dark? That explains quite a bit
 * 6) White House unhappy with SNL Spicer sketch. Trump doesn't like it when his people look weak, especially unhappy that Spicer was portrayed by a woman. Some female cast member really needs to dress up as Bannon
 * 7) Former Navy Admiral, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff under GWB, warns of consequences of Bannon serving on the National Security Council
 * 8) The fact that they can't spell, don't know history, have tempers, constantly lie, aren't very smart, and suck at tweeting will not deter the Trump Administration; 'We will find out strength in ignorance and our stupidity will propel us to greatness'
 * 9) Trump and his staff use their cell phone lights to work in the dark, ha ha. "Phones are portable television satellite trucks and, if compromised, can be used to get a great deal of information" *gulp*
 * 10) Secret service director announces retirement, in a move that has nothing to do with Trump's paranoia about White House leaks

"Advisors" and Other Assorted Appointments
For the full mess, please visit the archive

Overzealous Staffer(s)

 * 1) Michigan Republican offers solution of "Another Kent State" to resolve all those pesky students expressing their opinions

Open Position(s)

 * 1) Communications Director
 * 2) For some reason The White House is having a really, really, really, really super duper hard difficult time hiring a new communications director
 * 3) Solicitor General
 * 4) The brave Republican warrior who Trump was considering for the job of arguing his cases to the Supreme Court has withdrawn his name from consideration because a rubberstamp Congress that would approve Satan is just too much to bear
 * 5) Deputy Secretary of State
 * 6) Tillerson, Kushner, and Preibus all endorsed Elliott Abrams, a conservative, highly respected expert on middle-east affairs, for State Department #2. Of course, Trump showed him the door after he learned that Elliott once spoke out against him
 * 7) National Security Council Deputy
 * 8) Swamp draining continues in Washington DC, as the Deputy National Security Adviser also resigns
 * 9) National Security Advisor
 * 10) Russian lawmakers launch a spirited defense of Michael Flynn in a classic case of "you're not helping"
 * 11) Director of Secret Service
 * 12) Secret service director announces retirement, in a move that has nothing to do with Trump's paranoia about White House leaks

Resignations

 * 1) Russian Ambassador to the White House resigns
 * 2) Swamp draining continues in Washington DC, as the Deputy National Security Adviser also resigns
 * 3) Secret service director announces retirement, in a move that has nothing to do with Trump's paranoia about White House leaks

Vladimir Putin
Russian President
 * 1) Treasury Department eases economic sanctions against Russia
 * 2) Foreign policy insider: 'No readout of Trump-Putin call because White House turned off recording'
 * 3) Summer White House demands apology from Bill O'Reilly for calling the President a killer
 * 4) Pence says that Trump is watching Russia, likely waiting for his next orders to come in
 * 5) Putin: "So what you think of START treaty?" Trump: "Hold on." [to aide "Psst, what's the START treaty?"]
 * 6) Much like American politicians, Vladimir Putin is very good at passing himself off as a devout Christian
 * 7) Fake News confirms elements of Fake Dossier
 * 8) "Since January 20, we've assumed that the Kremlin has ears inside the SITROOM"
 * 9) Kremlin spokesman denies Michael Flynn discussed the lifting of sanctions with the Russian ambassador, because if you can't trust Russia, who can you trust?
 * 10) While National Security Adviser Flynn may be in the news for his close ties to the Kremlin, there are plenty of others in the Trump administration who support and admire Putin's defense of judeo-christian values
 * 11) Kremlin confirms their top agent will meet with Putin in July
 * 12) Russian Ambassador to the White House resigns
 * 13) A reminder: Trump did not fire Flynn, but he fired the woman who warned him Flynn was compromised
 * 14) Oh, nothing new with General Flynn, just the Army has been investigating whether Flynn received money from the Russian government during a trip he took to Moscow in 2015
 * 15) Russian lawmakers launch a spirited defense of Michael Flynn in a classic case of "you're not helping"
 * 16) Roses are red, violets are blue, if Flynn has ties to Russia, then Trump does too
 * 17) RT sends tweet congratulating Ambassador to Glorious Motherland a happy retirement
 * 18) As his lackeys in Washington come under increasing scrutiny, Vladimir Putin decides to secretly deploy cruise missiles in violation of treaty that ended Cold War
 * 19) The Kremlin worries Trump is too "unpredictable" for them to control
 * 20) Rep. Adam Schiff,the top Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee,told democrats in a private conference today that more information on Russia/Trump/Flynn ties will surface soon and "are only the beginning"

Steve Bannon
White House chief strategist and Lumpy James May, Gentleman Fascist
 * 1) Turns out, Steve Bannon is an Un-American piece of shiat. Perfect for sitting in on the National Security Council though
 * 2) Republicans fear alt-right white supremacist Steve Bannon also
 * 3) Twenty years ago, Trump's chief strategist Steve Bannon was running the $200 million Biosphere 2 in Arizona, thus setting the stage for Pauly Shore's greatest moment
 * 4) Well it's now inevitable that the US will soon go to war with China ...at least according to chief Trump strategist Steve Bannon
 * 5) Bannon, Priebus meet with Australian ambassador to clean up Trump's mess ...probably made it worse
 * 6) Supervillain Steve Bannon's fave book is called The Fourth Turning whose thesis is that the history of a people moves in cycles called saecula. At a cycle's end, there would be a cataclysmic event that destroys the old order & brings in a new one
 * 7) If Trump's first two weeks have seemed especially chaotic and aimless, it may be because his "Chief Strategist" is relying on some fortune cookie-level BS he read in a translation of a bronze-age book that he considers divine wisdom
 * 8) Apparently Donald Trump didn't know what he was signing when he appointed President Bannon to the NSC
 * 9) Former Navy Admiral, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff under GWB, warns of consequences of Bannon serving on the National Security Council
 * 10) If you thought Steven Bannon had achieved his aims in becoming a shadow President in the United States, you'd be wrong. It seems he also has his eyes set on the Vatican, and undermining Pope Francis
 * 11) Let's ramble through some of Steve Bannon's thoughts in 2015: "Here's Why There Ought To Be A Cap On Women Studying Science And Maths". Oh Lawd
 * 12) That's quite a photograph Rosie O'Donnell has on her Twitter profile
 * 13) Hey look at this article from two weeks ago about how Steve Bannon has been trying to usurp Gen. Michael Flynn's national security portfolio and bring the NSC under political control. I wonder if that's related to anything else in the news

Ivanka Trump (Kushner?)
"First" Lady
 * 1) One of Ivanka's first official activities as First Lady will be to attend a fancy dinner party featuring major employers
 * 2) Is what is expected of a First Lady outdated?
 * 3) Kellyanne Conway to Fox News viewers: "Go buy Ivanka's stuff," and yes, she actually said that
 * 4) 5 CFR 2635.702: § 2635.702 Use of public office for private gain. "An employee shall not use his public office ..for the endorsement of any product, service or enterprise, or for the private gain of friends, relatives"
 * 5) White House press secretary Sean Spicer says Conway was "counseled" for pushing Ivanka Trump products. Coming up next: White House press secretary Sean Spicer replaced by the ShamWow guy

Mike Pence
"Vice" President
 * 1) After Pence sends out thanks to a white guy for Black History Month #PenceBlackHistory is born
 * 2) Pence says that Trump is watching Russia, likely waiting for his next orders to come in
 * 3) Mike Pence picks Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Edumacation

Jared Kushner
Son-in-law
 * 1) Republicans fear alt-right white supremacist Steve Bannon also

Reince Priebus
Chief of Staff
 * 1) Bannon, Priebus meet with Australian ambassador to clean up Trump's mess ...probably made it worse
 * 2) Reince Priebus may soon be Reince Goner from The White House

Jerry Falwell
higher education reform task force
 * 1) Liberty University President Jerry Falwell Jr. asked to head a White House task force on reforming higher education, because colleges need less regulation and more degrees in Jesusology]

Richard Spencer
Whiteness Advisor
 * 1) White nationalist leader praises President Trump for "de-judification" of the Holocaust...which is quite ironic because "de-judification" is the very definition of the Holocaust

Supreme Court Nominee Neil Gorsuch

 * 1) No matter what else he may believe, Gorsuch stands up for the rights of 13 year olds to burp in gym class
 * 2) Why Liberals Should Back Neil Gorsuch
 * 3) What replacing Scalia with Young Scalia means for the court
 * 4) Will Gorsuch be another Scalia when it comes to criminal law? A look at the many Scalia opinions favoring defendants, except those who got their doors busted in or were driving while black
 * 5) Liberals are whining that Gorsuch is an illegitimate candidate because Trump picked a Scalia clone to replace Scalia rather than a far leftist and make the court solidly left as opposed to balanced
 * 6) Supreme Court Justice nominee Neil Gorsuch was founder and president of 'Fascism Forever Club' at his elite high school
 * 7) Mama Gorsuch
 * 8) Remember that time when the SCOTUS-nominee's mother became the first cabinet official to be charged with contempt of Congress?
 * 9) SCOTUS-nominee Judge Gorsuch is disheartened by President Trump's "so-called" tweets about the judiciary. It's a bold strategy Cotton, let's see if it pays of for 'im
 * 10) Come for the "Biden Rule", stay for the "Ginsburg Standard"

Sean Spicer
White House Press Secretary
 * 1) Sean Spicer says Trump's treatment of reporters has been "above and beyond". Meaning just slightly above hostile and just beyond torture
 * 2) Sean Spicer said, Steve Bannon who? when asked about Bannon's recorded caveman Muslim comments
 * 3) Bullshiat Spice clears up Donald Trump's Frederick Douglass comments as only Bullshiat Spice can
 * 4) "Press Sec. Spicer spent a decent chunk of his briefing disputing reports that Hardiman and Gorsuch had been encouraged to come to Washington in a sort of 'Cannonball Run'-like competition to fill the vacant seat on the highest court in the country"
 * 5) Sean Spicer would like these jocular impressions of him to be dialed back. YOUR WORDS
 * 6) Spicer's daily briefing- blah blah blah. I'll never be able to look at that guy without seeing Melissa McCarthy now
 * 7) That's quite a photograph Rosie O'Donnell has on her Twitter profile
 * 8) Sean Spicer is going to need some help coming up with terror attacks that the media hasn't reported. Let's lend a hand
 * 9) Stupid Spice: Trump is just reminding people that the Earth is a dangerous place. Galactus, Predator, and Borg attacks have risen 5000% since Obama took office
 * 10) Media and White House angrily disagree over whether Trump owns a bathrobe. If journalism isn't wholly dead yet, it's definitely written the note and reaching for the pills
 * 11) Now you, too, can request money from Sean Spicer
 * 12) White House frantically searching for a communications director to repla... Uh, "lighten the load" for Sean Spicer
 * 13) Sean Spicer: 'I can only hope that if Coretta Scott King was still with us,' I'd hope she'd support Jeff Sessions
 * 14) White House press secretary Spicer announces Nordstrom's decision to drop Ivanka Trump's fashion line is a direct attack on the President. Coming up next: USA declares war on Nordstrom
 * 15) Nordstrom stock jumps after Trump tantrum
 * 16) President Trump wanted to hire one of those blond Fox News chicks as press secretary because reasons, but Priebus pushed for Spicer because reasons. It's unclear if those reasons were similar
 * 17) Spicer has referred to a non-existent terror attack in Atlanta three times. This is what happens when you're staffed by the Breitbart comments section and not national security professionals
 * 18) Sean Sphincter claims he "clearly meant Orlando" after citing mystery Atlanta terrorist attack three times. Just like voters "clearly meant Hillary" but accidentally voted Trump
 * 19) For some reason The White House is having a really, really, really, really super duper hard difficult time hiring a new communications director
 * 20) White House press secretary Sean Spicer says Conway was "counseled" for pushing Ivanka Trump products. Coming up next: White House press secretary Sean Spicer replaced by the ShamWow guy
 * 21) Sean Sphincter thinks people should ignore the midnight tweety tweeter and just listen to him
 * 22) In a time long ago, in a world that looked a lot like our own, before we had a new president in The White House, the D.C. Press actually liked Sean Spicer. What changed?
 * 23) Bullshiat Spice denies Trump was confused by the START treaty
 * 24) Our future state media, ladies and gentlemen
 * 25) Like sands through the hourglass soap opera Spicer brings in higher ratings than actual soap operas. Does this mean Victor from The Young & Restless become the new press secretary? Will Trump's Twitter rage soon send him to General Hospital?
 * 26) Time to get extra spicy. White House press briefing is live at 1:00 PM EST

Kellyanne Conway
Counselor to the President
 * 1) KellyAnne Conway cites the infamous Bowling Green Massacre in defense of Trump's Muslim ban. And really, who could ever forget that tragic event?
 * 2) Bowling Green fundraiser set up to fleece the rubes
 * 3) Lich Queen Kellyanne Conway: "Bowling Green Massacre" was a mere slip of the tongue. WaPo: O RLY?
 * 4) Albino dementor Kellyanne Conway says she messed up when she said "massacre". What she actually meant was that time we accidentally let some terrorists in, then caught them before they did anything and fixed the immigration loopholes. Thank Obama
 * 5) I didn't want to be on TV this week because I want to spend time with my family. Well you asked to be on TV and we declined. So did we
 * 6) Kellyanne Conway says some terror attacks did get "wall-to-wall" coverage. Yeah, the ones that actually happened for example
 * 7) Conway on Trump's Silence on the Quebec attack: "He Doesn't Tweet About Everything"
 * 8) Kellyanne Conway contradicts President Trump by claiming CNN is not fake news. But she said that on CNN, which is fake news. So she can't have said it. We clear?
 * 9) Trump orders Lich Queen Vlaakith Kellyanne Conway to conduct Capitol Hill outreach. The effort lasted a few minutes until a congressional staffer asked Conway about Saturday Night Live
 * 10) Kellyanne Conway to Fox News viewers: "Go buy Ivanka's stuff," and yes, she actually said that
 * 11) 5 CFR 2635.702: § 2635.702 Use of public office for private gain. "An employee shall not use his public office ..for the endorsement of any product, service or enterprise, or for the private gain of friends, relatives"
 * 12) White House press secretary Sean Spicer says Conway was "counseled" for pushing Ivanka Trump products. Coming up next: White House press secretary Sean Spicer replaced by the ShamWow guy
 * 13) Kellyanne Conway is unrepentant over her illegal shilling of Ivanka's products
 * 14) Trump apologist goes on CNN, tries to say Kellyanne of Green Goebbels was joking about her plug of the first lady's fashion line
 * 15) "Kellyanne Conway must be punished." Doesn't that mean we have to find her phylactery first?
 * 16) Since she can't do politics worth a darn, Hillary turns to tweets. Conway with the easy slam
 * 17) Kellyanne of Green Goebbels says the SNL skit portraying her as a Fatal Attraction-esque stalker trying to get on the news with Jake Tapper is sexist, thanks her legion of supporter for backing her up
 * 18) Kellyanne Conway is playing a dangerous game: one where she might reach historic heights if she wins, but where if she loses, someone might destroy her phylactery and release her soul
 * 19) "'Gen. Flynn has the full confidence of the president,' White House counselor Kellyanne Conway told reporters." Which means he will soon be shot out of a cannon, into the sun

Peter Theil
Advisor to the President
 * 1) Peter Thiel, advisor to President Trump, said in his application for New Zealand citizenship filed in 2011 that New Zealand is "the future", presumably because they wouldn't be stupid enough to elect an insane reality show host to lead them

Fox
Propaganda Ministry
 * 1) Al Sharpton: Let's not forget that Jesus was a refugee escaping persecution from King Herod. Fox News: Republican Jesus was only traveling because he was being forced to pay taxes...Al, do you even Bible, bro? lololol
 * 2) Those working in The Wall Street Journal newsroom are not too happy that their editor-in-chief has told them to go soft on Trump and not hurt his feelings
 * 3) Sean "Lumpy" Hannity is tired of the radical alt-left holding up President Trump's agenda. Did I say radical alt-left? I meant Republican congressmen
 * 4) At press conference between Trump and Japanese PM, only Rupert Murdoch-owned outlets were allowed to ask questions

Fox Jr.(s)

 * 1) Breitbart "News"
 * 2) Our future state media, ladies and gentlemen
 * 3) InfoWars
 * 4) Infowars has been subverted by the Reverse-Reverse Vampires in support of the Lizard People's Trumpist agenda
 * 5) Gateway Pundit
 * 6) Assistant Dumbest Man on the Internet Lucian B. Wintrich granted White House press credentials

Michael Flynn
National Security Adviser
 * 1) The plan to bomb Iran just kicked off
 * 2) Man, the Trump administration sure likes walls. First Mexico, now the National Security Council
 * 3) Trump's own staff is starting to worry about his disintegrating mental and emotional state. But her emails
 * 4) General Flynn learns the hard way that the NSA listens to all calls with Russian officials
 * 5) Mike Flynn, Security Risk
 * 6) "Since January 20, we've assumed that the Kremlin has ears inside the SITROOM"
 * 7) Signs multiplying that Michael Flynn will be the first to be thrown under the Trump administration's short bus
 * 8) Kremlin spokesman denies Michael Flynn discussed the lifting of sanctions with the Russian ambassador, because if you can't trust Russia, who can you trust?
 * 9) While National Security Adviser Flynn may be in the news for his close ties to the Kremlin, there are plenty of others in the Trump administration who support and admire Putin's defense of judeo-christian values
 * 10) "'Gen. Flynn has the full confidence of the president,' White House counselor Kellyanne Conway told reporters." Which means he will soon be shot out of a cannon, into the sun
 * 11) Russian Ambassador to the White House resigns
 * 12) Hey look at this article from two weeks ago about how Steve Bannon has been trying to usurp Gen. Michael Flynn's national security portfolio and bring the NSC under political control. I wonder if that's related to anything else in the news
 * 13) Roses are red, violets are blue, if Flynn has ties to Russia, then Trump does too
 * 14) A reminder: Trump did not fire Flynn, but he fired the woman who warned him Flynn was compromised
 * 15) Oh, nothing new with General Flynn, just the Army has been investigating whether Flynn received money from the Russian government during a trip he took to Moscow in 2015
 * 16) Russian lawmakers launch a spirited defense of Michael Flynn in a classic case of "you're not helping"
 * 17) RT sends tweet congratulating Ambassador to Glorious Motherland a happy retirement
 * 18) David Petreaus may replace Michael Flynn as security advisor. Thank God they got someone who is controversy free
 * 19) The hearings will begin any minute now
 * 20) Remember when Michael Flynn did all those Trump rallies talking about how Hillary thought she was above the law? Well, Hillary sure does. Mikey could be in the greybar hotel for the rest of his short and moronic days
 * 21) Rep. Adam Schiff,the top Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee,told democrats in a private conference today that more information on Russia/Trump/Flynn ties will surface soon and "are only the beginning"

Alex Jones
"journalist"
 * 1) International intelligence expert Alex Jones calls the Quebec mosque terror attack a "false flag, just like Sandy Hook"
 * 2) Suspect Sought in Bowling Green Massacre
 * 3) According to a former editor at Infowars, Alex Jones is a snake oil salesman. Obvious tag taken out in what was OBVIOUSLY a false flag operation conducted by those secret liberal Muslim aliens, so 'Murica
 * 4) America doesn't deserve Donald Trump says Alex Jones
 * 5) Infowars has been subverted by the Reverse-Reverse Vampires in support of the Lizard People's Trumpist agenda

Andrew Bremberg
assistant to the President in charge of details; no homo
 * 1) Meet Donald Trump's details man. Wait, he has one?

Gina Haspel
Deputy Director of the CIA
 * 1) "Trump taps first woman to CIA second in command." Uh, phrasing?

Vincent Viola
Secretary of the Army nominee
 * 1) On second thought...I'm outta here

Sebastian Gorka
Deputy assistant to President
 * 1) Trump White House Official finally admits it. The only reason they are calling everything "fake news" is because most news stories do not present the dear leader in a flattering light
 * 2) When "Nazi collaborator" stops being a euphemism for White House advisors

Climate Leadership Council
Members include:
 * former Secretary of State James Baker III
 * former Secretary of State George Schultz
 * former Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson 
 * 1) Top Republicans acknowledge climate change is real, and in order to fight it the EPA must be gutted

Gary Cohn
chief economic advisor
 * 1) Top Republicans acknowledge climate change is real, and in order to fight it the EPA must be gutted

Stephen Miller
Assistant to the President
 * 1) White House adviser Stephen Miller: "We don't have judicial supremacy in this country." That is so true. Even our country's highest judicial court doesn't have the word "supreme" in its name
 * 2) Joe Scarborough goes unhinged after seeing Stephen Miller's Sunday Morning talk show performances, calling him a "horrendous embarrassment" who gave the "worst performance ever." Guess ol' Joe has finally hit his breaking point
 * 3) Why creepy Addams Family reject Stephen Miller should worry the hell out of non-fascist Americans
 * 4) Rising star in the Trump administration has carried a reputation for being an asshole since high school. Spent his years at Duke interning for Sessions while writing racist and sexist position papers. Christ, what an asshole
 * 5) How'd you like to make a thousand bucks the hard way?

Scott Baio
Special Celebrity Advisor
 * 1) Scott Baio has $30K?

National Security Council

 * 1) Deputy
 * 2) Swamp draining continues in Washington DC, as the Deputy National Security Adviser also resigns
 * 3) Staff
 * 4) Trump administration National Security staff told to keep briefs brief and use lots of pretty pictures because our president is a nimrod

Cabinet, Secretaries, Assorted Agencies and Department Heads
For the full mess, please visit the archive

General

 * 1) Trump administration is an empty shell as opposed to an empty suit

Nominees

 * 1) Puzder, Labor Nominee
 * 2) Labor Department Employees: "Hey, ya know, maybe the guy we have repeatedly fined and who refers to his own employees as 'the worst of the worst' isn't the best pick for Labor Secretary"
 * 3) Trump's nominee for Secretary of Labor admits to employing illegal immigrants
 * 4) DeVos, Education Secretary Nominee
 * 5) Someone is paying random internet users to lobby for Betsy DeVos's confirmation. It's almost as if someone has some financial interest in destroying our public education system, or something
 * 6) Mike Pence picks Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Edumacation
 * 7) Palin, Ambassador to Canada
 * 8) Proving that even Canadians have their limits, news that Sarah Palin might be appointed Ambassador sparks impolite reactions
 * 9) Price, Health and Human Services Nominee
 * 10) Pruitt, Environmental Protection Agency Nominee
 * 11) Mnuchin, Treasury Nominee

Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security

 * 1) DHS Secretary says border wall should be finished in two years. Stop laughing, he's serious. Really

State Department

 * 1) Tillerson, Kushner, and Preibus all endorsed Elliott Abrams, a conservative, highly respected expert on middle-east affairs, for State Department #2. Of course, Trump showed him the door after he learned that Elliott once spoke out against him
 * 2) Apparently all you need to do in order to be Ambassador to Austria is be a superfan of "The Sound of Music"

Secretary of State

 * 1) The new secretary of state - a former Exxon CEO - admits climate change is real but it's not our problem

Secretary of Defense

 * 1) US to Best Korea: Yeah, using a nuke on us would be a really bad idea

Department of Defense

 * 1) Department of Defense looking to rent space in Trump Tower, which, "could directly funnel government money into the president's business interests." Well, that sounds like it's totally not a conflict of interest

Environmental Protection Agency

 * 1) Top Republicans acknowledge climate change is real, and in order to fight it the EPA must be gutted

Attorney General Jeff Sessions

 * 1) Dear small-government, pro-10th Amendment conservatives: Your Attorney General hopes you've enjoyed the brief exercise in self-governance by States with medical and recreational marijuana. We now return you to your regularly scheduled war on drugs

Federal Aviation Administration

 * 1) Trump adds the FAA to the list of regulatory agencies to be sold to the Brawndo Corporation

FCC
Federal Communications Commission
 * 1) The Trump Administration doesn't want poor people to have inexpensive access to the internet
 * 2) Trump's FCC will stop limiting charges for inmate phone calls

Treasury Department

 * 1) Treasury Department eases economic sanctions against Russia
 * 2) "I'm going to lie to your face, then lie some more, then cover that with a lie but I'm for realsies telling the truth"
 * 3) White House says Russian sanctions being lifted is not really happening. Nothing to see here. Please move along

Secretary of Education

 * 1) Betsy DeVos asks Twitter a question "Day 1 on the job is done, but we're only getting started. Now where do I find the pencils?" Twitter responds with predictable answers
 * 2) Moments after being deterred from her agency's mission, Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos says she will not be deterred from her agency's mission

Department of Education

 * 1) Betsy Devos Department of Education tweets a quote from "W.E.B. DeBois", and gets the reaction they deserve
 * 2) After misspelling "W.E.B. DeBois" in a tweet, U.S. Department of Education apologizes, misspelling "apology"

FBI

 * 1) FBI is so successful at fighting terrorism that their anti-terror units can take time off to harass pipeline protesters. Yay America