Drumpfster Fire/Archive/2017/February 2017

A compilation of Fark threads related to the dumpster fire that is the administration of the 45th President of the United States of America.

=Head Toupee=

Nicknames
''This section will provide the many nicknames this asshole has earned, with credit when known. They are in approximate order of appearance on the internet.''

For the full, categorized list, please visit this page


 * 1) short-fingered vulgarian (Spy magazine's Graydon Carter and Kurt Andersen)
 * 2) tiny fingered, Cheeto-faced, ferret wearing shitgibbon (@MetalOllie via Twitter)
 * 3) Flim Flam Führer
 * 4) Deadbeat Donnie
 * 5) President Joffrey
 * 6) Cheeto Supreme
 * 7) fecal fingered Caligula
 * 8) Orange Mugabe
 * 9) Marmalade Mussulini
 * 10) Dynamite Shitgibbon
 * 11) Boss Tweet
 * 12) Trumplethinskin
 * 13) Kim Jong Trump
 * 14) President Asterisk
 * 15) President Daddy
 * 16) Prince Trumperdink (Carey Elwes)
 * 17) President Breaking Wind (Sir Ian McKellen via Twitter)
 * 18) ORALLY INCONTINENT PEDDLER OF FLYBLOWN MONKEY BOLLOCKS
 * 19) hairsprayed huckster
 * 20) Cheeto Guevera
 * 21) President Cheetolicious
 * 22) Super Callous Fragile Racist Sexist Nazi POTUS
 * 23) Tangerine gabshite walloper (Lorna Wallace, poetry winner)
 * 24) Gramma Killer
 * 25) Lord Dampnut (Colin Mochrie via Urban Dictionary)
 * 26) President Dunning-Kruger
 * 27) Metamussolini  (or Metamucilini)
 * 28) Adolf the Obese
 * 29) Dolt 45
 * 30) Trumpwaffe

Eponyms

 * 1) Drumpffluenza
 * 2) Trumpmydia
 * 3) Trumptertantrum

Preview

 * 1) When it's too late to stop fascism, according to someone who fled from fascism
 * 2) CPAC: Trump tells conservatives he is future of the GOP
 * 3) The next six weeks are a "Do or die" moment for the GOP as they need to prove they can transform from a "chest thumping opposition party" into one that can be trusted to actually govern. In other words, in six weeks the GOP is done for

Review

 * 1) After a rocky first month as President, Donald Trump has done some serious soul-searching and deep introspection...and concluded HE'S awesome, it's just that his staff sucks and he needs a new one
 * 2) Donald Trump wakes up, takes stock of his administration, and vows to start anew. Just kidding, he blames everything on fake news and re-ignites his feud with our own intelligence community. So. Tired. Of all the. Winning
 * 3) Here is a breakdown of how Trump spent his first month as president
 * 4) Trump's election has parallels to Andrew Jackson's presidency. Mostly where Trump considers that America was at its greatest back in 1828
 * 5) An analysis of Donald Trump's first month in office reveals that, aside from enabling racists, jingoists, bigots, and anti-semites, he's accomplished almost nothing
 * 6) But the pervasive view in the capital is that President Trump at this point is like a guy behind the wheel who hasn't slept in a week, surrounded by a small mountain of empty Red Bull cans as he weaves his way across four lanes at night
 * 7) The two defining characteristics of the new right: 1. Hatred for everything different. 2. Indifference of corruption by their own leaders
 * 8) Of the 663 promises made, Trump has broken 64 and kept seven in his first month in office
 * 9) Trump grades his first month. Not surprisingly, he made the honor roll

Laws Signed

 * 1) Trump signs repeal of transparency law that required oil companies to disclose payments to foreign governments. We all drained here? Everything great again?

Executive Orders

 * 1) How to revoke an executive order. Difficulty: Success rate rare if not impossible
 * 2) Draft of Trump's "Religious Freedom" order protects "any act or refusal to act that is motivated by a sincerely held religious belief, whether or not the act is required or compelled by, or central to, a system of religious belief." -ANY- -ACT-
 * 3) Yo dawg, I heard you like executive orders so I wrote an executive order that violates an executive order about executive orders
 * 4) Trump signs 3 new executive orders to implement a "new era of justice." Scary tag in use because they are now in effect
 * 5) Trump to rewrite executive order despite his claims that there's NOTHING wrong with it
 * 6) Trump promises future illegal actions that the courts will have to throw out
 * 7) Please. I need more magical make-people-do-stuff pens. I need them now, I need to satisfy my power addiction. I may have to give another psycho press conference if they don't show up soon
 * 8) There's a possibility that Trump has no idea what regulations are and what they do

Fiddling with foreign relations
This section has become too large, hence it has been given its own page: The World Outside the U.S. Post-Drumpf for threads related to the economic sanctions against Russia, please click here

Misinformation
This section has become too large, hence it has been given its own page: Drumpfster Fire Misinformation

Executive grifting
For the full mess, please visit the archive


 * 1) Memo to Democrats: Trump has already raised $16 million toward re-election
 * 2) Millions in Trump campaign funds went to Trump firms
 * 3) Fake News confirms elements of Fake Dossier
 * 4) Kuwait Embassy drops up to $60,000 on party at Trump's D.C. hotel. Will he send the money to the Treasury, as promised?
 * 5) Donald and Ivanka Trump, Nigel Farage, and Rick Scott walk into a bar, at the hotel Trump now illegally owns, while the official WH press pool members were kept in vans outside and not allowed to leave. Sorry, the only joke is that he's president
 * 6) So what was Trump's first major business deal since becoming President? Oh, just selling a condo on Park Avenue nearly $2 million above market value to a Chinese national

Tax Returns
For the full mess, please visit the archive

Avoiding Release Of

 * 1) GOP congressman: Not only should Donald Trump NOT release his tax returns, NO elected official should
 * 2) House panel rejects demands for Trump to release his tax returns
 * 3) Normally I wear protection, but then I thought, "When am I gonna make it back to Haiti?"
 * 4) No Shiat Headline of the Day: Guys, I don't think Donald Trump is going to release his tax returns

Possible Release Of

 * 1) Do it
 * 2) Dooooooo Eeeeeeeeet

Sexual Predator

 * 1) Donald demands that women on his staff "dress like women." The internet provides helpful examples for them
 * 2) President Trump wanted to hire one of those blond Fox News chicks as press secretary because reasons, but Priebus pushed for Spicer because reasons. It's unclear if those reasons were similar
 * 3) Milo may be out of a jobo at Breitbarto
 * 4) People who spend their days writing about how Muslims should be exterminated and women are filthy communist whores have decided that kinda sorta defending pedophilia is a bridge too far
 * 5) Breitbart's editor-in-chief Alex Marlow calls Milo Yiannopoulos' comments "totally indefensible." He then proceeds to defend them
 * 6) Don't rejoice prematurely: Yolo Minneapolis isn't going away
 * 7) Milo's secret is that he's one of the most boring people on the planet
 * 8) Milo Fanbois are starting to realize that they are just pawns in the game of life. Racist, Nazi, bigoted, subhuman pawns

Leaks
For the full mess, please visit the archive


 * 1) Newly released emails show that the Trump administration was warned about ethics violations but didn't care
 * 2) Trump's own staff is starting to worry about his disintegrating mental and emotional state. But her emails
 * 3) Next up: legalizing blood diamonds, because warlords need hotels too
 * 4) Secret service director announces retirement, in a move that has nothing to do with Trump's paranoia about White House leaks
 * 5) Trump condemns illegal leaks, unless they are hacked e-mails
 * 6) Poor Donnie won't be able to do everything in deep dark secret and illegally. Getting away with stuff was so much easier as a private citizen
 * 7) "A source close to the president, who was not there but had knowledge of the situation, told me that Trump was going around tables during dinner asking guests what he should do about Priebus and Spicer" Gee, wonder where these leaks keep coming from
 * 8) "The whole episode is evidence of the precipitous and ongoing collapse of America's democratic institutions - not a sign of their resiliency"
 * 9) Candidate Trump: ignore the source of the leaks, look at the content. President Trump: ignore the content, we need to find the source of these leaks. live by the leak, die by the leak. thems the rules, Donny my boy
 * 10) For many years the GOP guarded against flip floppers.... before the dark times ... before the Small Handed Talking Yam of Evil & Chaos
 * 11) So how exactly does one wage war on whistle blowers?
 * 12) Leaked emails may bring down Trump's Muslim ban
 * 13) Office of DNI: "We didn't withhold intelligence from Trump." Yeah, pretty sure you're going to have to blame God for that one
 * 14) Billionaire friend of Trump with no intelligence experience to lead review of intelligence agencies. No word yet on whether dunking stools will be in use
 * 15) Say hello to Federal Prisoner 38379583, Michael Flynn, who lied to the FBI during an interview about the substance of his calls to Russia
 * 16) FBI decides not to pursue charges against Hillary Flynn
 * 17) Trump knew
 * 18) There is no American Deep State. Of course, that's what they WANT you to think
 * 19) Deep state says there's no such thing as a deep state
 * 20) B-b-but his emails? Open government group releases the first 1,500 of 7,500 pages of emails that they received under an Open Record Act lawsuit, that newly installed EPA chief Scott Pruitt sent during his days as Oklahoma's Attorney General
 * 21) Scott Pruitt's emails released yesterday raise serious concerns about his ties to the energy industry and how he worked to try block environmental regulations. Imagine how embarrassing it would be if the Senate had already voted to confirm him
 * 22) Waking up every morning like "Jesus Christ, what now?"
 * 23) State Department memo regarding leaks, quickly leaked

Alleged leaks

 * 1) POTUS appears to have a leaky Tweeter problem

Investigations
For the full mess, please visit the archive

Possible Russian Interference Of 2016 POTUS Election

 * 1) Why Russia may have stuck its bear claw in the 2016 U.S. election

Possible Interference with Economic Sanctions Against Russia

 * 1) And the first GOP Congressman has hit the Trump-Putin International Hotel and Pleasure Palace
 * 2) This time they've gone too far. Not like last time when we thought they had gone too far but still had further they could go... This time, surely, they have gone too far
 * 3) Yes

Nadler's "Resolution of Inquiry"
demanding Attorney General hand over "any document, record, memo, correspondence or other communication” pertaining to “criminal or counterintelligence investigations” related to Trump, White House staff or his business"
 * 1) Republican lawmakers plan on derailing inquiry into Manchurian President's ties to Russia because of course they do. They do acknowledge that it may make things awkward with their constituents
 * 2) How Trump is getting away with corruption

Crimes
This section will include all Fark threads related to crimes committed by the Head Toupee For the full mess, please visit the archive

Possible Obstruction of Justice

 * 1) This time they've gone too far. Not like last time when we thought they had gone too far but still had further they could go... This time, surely, they have gone too far

Conflicts of Interest
This section will include all Fark threads related to conflicts of interest this asshole has himself entangled in For the full mess, please visit the archive
 * 1) Foreign policy insider: 'No readout of Trump-Putin call because White House turned off recording'
 * 2) Department of Defense looking to rent space in Trump Tower, which, "could directly funnel government money into the president's business interests." Well, that sounds like it's totally not a conflict of interest
 * 3) Next up: legalizing blood diamonds, because warlords need hotels too
 * 4) Kellyanne Conway to Fox News viewers: "Go buy Ivanka's stuff," and yes, she actually said that
 * 5) 5 CFR 2635.702: § 2635.702 Use of public office for private gain. "An employee shall not use his public office ..for the endorsement of any product, service or enterprise, or for the private gain of friends, relatives"
 * 6) Article 1, Section 9, Clause 8: no Person holding any Office of Profit or Trust under them, shall, without the Consent of the Congress, accept of any present, Emolument, Office, or Title, of any kind whatever, from any King, Prince or foreign State
 * 7) "New Trump appointees are carrying coffee mugs with that Trump campaign slogan into meetings with foreign counterparts"
 * 8) Leaked emails may bring down Trump's Muslim ban
 * 9) Bank that was fined more than $630m for failing to prevent $10bn of Russian money laundering, also continues to lend money to Trump despite his having defaulted on previous loans. Nothing to see here comrade, move along
 * 10) President Trump: "Hire American." Trump Vineyards: "We can haz more foreign workers, plz?"
 * 11) Jared Kushner owns hundreds of Section 8 housing units. So of course he'll recuse himself from any decisions about HUD. No conflict of interest
 * 12) Must be a day ending in "y." It has been revealed there is another Trump cabinet member connection to Russia

Pay-to-play

 * 1) Hey, but at least he didn't give speeches to Wall Street, right guys?
 * 2) While we've been arguing about Betsy DeVos and Nordstroms, Russia has sold off almost 20% of it's State owned oil company in a convoluted deal involving Singapore, Qatar, and a Cayman Islands company with unknown owners. Tired of winning yet?
 * 3) Nothing to see here, just a wealthy sleazeball selling a MLB team to the relative of another wealthy sleazeball in exchange for the title of "US Ambassador to France"
 * 4) The members of the ownership group that purchased the United States in a hostile takeover this November have been revealed
 * 5) All you LIBS cry about the way Trump treats the press, but he's been in office only a month and has already scheduled his SECOND intensive, exclusive sit down interview with one of the famously tough journalists from Breitbart news
 * 6) Kuwait Embassy drops up to $60,000 on party at Trump's D.C. hotel. Will he send the money to the Treasury, as promised?
 * 7) Donald and Ivanka Trump, Nigel Farage, and Rick Scott walk into a bar, at the hotel Trump now illegally owns, while the official WH press pool members were kept in vans outside and not allowed to leave. Sorry, the only joke is that he's president
 * 8) So what was Trump's first major business deal since becoming President? Oh, just selling a condo on Park Avenue nearly $2 million above market value to a Chinese national

Ethics violations

 * 1) Newly released emails show that the Trump administration was warned about ethics violations but didn't care

Lawsuits
This section will include all Fark threads related to lawsuits filed against the Head Toupee For the full mess, please visit the archive
 * 1) Trump owned golf course shanks it into the rough, gets hit with a $6M stroke penalty by a federal judge
 * 2) A complete rundown of all the lawsuits filed against Trump for his Muslim ban

Citizens Action Coalition, et al. v. Indiana House Rep.
Pence hid emails when governor of Indiana
 * 1) Mike Pence to the Indiana Supreme Court: Can we just keep those emails secret? Kthxby

Removal From Office
For the full mess, please visit the archive

In General

 * 1) Here's the presidential order of succession -- just in case
 * 2) Trump's presidency expected to be the second-shortest in history because no one could be as bad as William Henry Harrison

Odds

 * 1) UK bookies say the odds of Trump resigning now stand at 15/8, while the probability of an impeachment in 2017 stand at 4/1. Latest surge in cash flow say it's a sure bet

25th Amendment Solution

 * 1) "Who's next, Switzerland?" The internet cannot fathom how Trump started an attack on Australia. Never mess with criminal descendants
 * 2) "When you hear about the tough phone calls I'm having, don't worry about it," Trump said. "Just don't worry about it." Checkmate, libs
 * 3) Trump has officially gone plaid... Even Fox news reporters are broken down to the point saying "I'm not sure what anything means" in regards to his behavior
 * 4) Trump blames leaks of the transcripts to his Australia and Mexico phone calls on "Obama people," whom I guess were hiding behind the curtains or in the air ducts or something
 * 5) Bill to require White House to have psychiatrist evaluate the mental health of the President. Here. I'll save you some money. The President is crazier than a barnyard rat on meth. There you go, see how easy that was?
 * 6) Trump is lonely in the White House. Awwww
 * 7) Happy 50th birthday to the 25th Amendment
 * 8) Donald Trump is vexed by the challenges and scale of government, light switches
 * 9) Members of Congress becoming increasingly frustrated with trying to communicate with President Trump resort to tweeting at him hoping he or the White House will notice
 * 10) Trump administration National Security staff told to keep briefs brief and use lots of pretty pictures because our president is a nimrod
 * 11) The Kremlin worries Trump is too "unpredictable" for them to control
 * 12) Nothing to see here, just the four star General head of the U.S. Special Operations Command publicly questioning whether or not the Nation has a stable Government. Carry on
 * 13) 7:32AM - Fox says Obama was weak on Russia, 7:42AM - Trump tweets Obama was weak on Russia
 * 14) What Donald Trump's handshake says about him
 * 15) So how exactly does one wage war on whistle blowers?
 * 16) Donald Trump's erratic behaviour causes US politicians to review procedures for removing Presidents
 * 17) "Weapons-Grade Crazy" seems a pretty extreme way to describe the President of the United States' performance at a White House Press conference, but, after further review, the ruling in the headline...is confirmed
 * 18) Chris Christie "forced" to eat meatloaf by Donald Trump at White House, which, if true, represents first time Christie forced to eat anything, anything at all
 * 19) I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing
 * 20) Here is the tremendous transcript from Thursday's winning press conference
 * 21) Donald Trump isn't insane; he's just a horrible boss whom you only have to listen to "for five minutes to know that he is intimately familiar with the taste of a waiter's testicles rubbed on to his $200 filet mignon"
 * 22) Libs take the bait in Trump's game of 30-dimensional Hungry Hungry Hippos
 * 23) What could be causing Trump's bizarre behavior? It could be an untreated STD
 * 24) "Perhaps this Donald J. Trump fellow is not of sound mind," suggest lawmakers over a year too late
 * 25) Grab your very tiny violins and play a tune - With no night life and a lack of socialization, Trump is experiencing 'cabin fever' living in the White House
 * 26) A doctor explains the basis of Trump's decision making
 * 27) Thanks, Obama

The Queen Elizabeth Solution

 * 1) Reports that Queen Elizabeth has legal authority to behead Donald Trump have been found to be false

Impeachment

 * 1) Latest polls show Trump with a steady 40% support -- for his impeachment
 * 2) Cincinnati Republican to GOP "It's time to impeach Donald Trump"
 * 3) Flynn must face prison and Trump must face impeachment
 * 4) "The Conspiracy To Impeach Trump: It's not the lefty Dems who are taking aim, it's traditional conservatives. With an agenda and the power to make him disappear"
 * 5) Does the Trump/Russia scandal have the potential to reach a Watergate level outcome ? All signs point to "oh hell yes"
 * 6) "Time to talk Trump impeachment"

Article 1, Section 9, Clause 8
Emoluments Clause
 * 1) Article 1, Section 9, Clause 8: no Person holding any Office of Profit or Trust under them, shall, without the Consent of the Congress, accept of any present, Emolument, Office, or Title, of any kind whatever, from any King, Prince or foreign State
 * 2) How Trump is getting away with corruption
 * 3) So what was Trump's first major business deal since becoming President? Oh, just selling a condo on Park Avenue nearly $2 million above market value to a Chinese national

Treason

 * 1) "Since January 20, we've assumed that the Kremlin has ears inside the SITROOM"
 * 2) Signs multiplying that Michael Flynn will be the first to be thrown under the Trump administration's short bus
 * 3) Russian Ambassador to the White House resigns
 * 4) Hey look at this article from two weeks ago about how Steve Bannon has been trying to usurp Gen. Michael Flynn's national security portfolio and bring the NSC under political control. I wonder if that's related to anything else in the news
 * 5) Roses are red, violets are blue, if Flynn has ties to Russia, then Trump does too
 * 6) A reminder: Trump did not fire Flynn, but he fired the woman who warned him Flynn was compromised
 * 7) Oh, nothing new with General Flynn, just the Army has been investigating whether Flynn received money from the Russian government during a trip he took to Moscow in 2015
 * 8) Russian lawmakers launch a spirited defense of Michael Flynn in a classic case of "you're not helping"
 * 9) RT sends tweet congratulating Ambassador to Glorious Motherland a happy retirement
 * 10) As his lackeys in Washington come under increasing scrutiny, Vladimir Putin decides to secretly deploy cruise missiles in violation of treaty that ended Cold War
 * 11) The hearings will begin any minute now
 * 12) The Kremlin worries Trump is too "unpredictable" for them to control
 * 13) Rep. Adam Schiff,the top Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee,told democrats in a private conference today that more information on Russia/Trump/Flynn ties will surface soon and "are only the beginning"
 * 14) Repeated contacts with Russian intelligence throughout the campaign, you say?
 * 15) James Comey back in the hot seat after Flynnghazi
 * 16) "He will die in jail." Intelligence community ready to go nuclear
 * 17) Look this Mike Flynn scandal is all just a big innocent misunderstanding: When General Flynn saw a note on his desk from Trump reading "VP is demanding you call the Russian Ambassador today" He just ASSUMED that meant Pence and not..you know
 * 18) Just because he was intimately involved in Trump's campaign and in close contact with two of the people being investigated by the FBI for their ties to Russia, doesn't mean Attorney General Sessions should recuse himself from the investigation
 * 19) Trump complains that Flynn would still be working for him if no one knew what Flynn had been up to
 * 20) Trump administration when asked if anyone from the campaign had communicated with the Russians: FAKE NEWS FBI: Yeah, about that
 * 21) Russia spokesperson kindly and subtly reminds Trump that it would be in his best interest to keep up his end of the deal so that no one ends up pissed
 * 22) Russia urges President Trump to keep campaign pledge to improve relations despite that whole Crimea being 'taken' by Putin thingy
 * 23) Man, who wasn't listening in on Flynn's conversations with Russia?
 * 24) Since President Trump denied he has any ties to Russia, USA Today decides to compile a list detailing his past business dealings with Russia going back over 30 years
 * 25) The time has come to call the Trump Administration's actions what they are: Treason
 * 26) The best case scenario for Trump in Kremlingate... is still pretty bad
 * 27) Say hello to Federal Prisoner 38379583, Michael Flynn, who lied to the FBI during an interview about the substance of his calls to Russia
 * 28) FBI decides not to pursue charges against Hillary Flynn
 * 29) This Island Earth alien Jeffrey Lord says Trump's Russia ties are "not a big deal." Sparring partner Robert Reich goes on factual tirade exposing Lord's idiocy, though he wonders why Lord has a picture of a burger on his wall
 * 30) Trump knew
 * 31) Trump's private lawyer Michel Cohen, his Russian "fixer," convicted felon and mafia member Felix Sater, and an ally of Viktor Yanukovych, secretly worked out a "peace plan" this summer to lift sanctions on Russia and remove Ukraine's current leaders
 * 32) Awwww POTUS has a back channel with Moscow. How convenient
 * 33) This is a test of the American legal system. Only a test, nothing to see here. Please move along
 * 34) Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition...to snipe a Ukranian oligarch out from under a US extradition request
 * 35) Hacking data shows Paul Manafort was being blackmailed by Russia
 * 36) Why Flynnghazi is so troubling
 * 37) How Trump is getting away with corruption
 * 38) White House to FBI: Hey, can you guys knock it off with the whole Trump-Russia talking thing? FBI to White House: LOL NOPE

Job Creator

 * 1) January jobs report shows Donald Trump created 227,000 jobs, much higher than the piddly 180,000 jobs Obama was expected to create
 * 2) Do you even Labor Force Participation Rate, Bro?
 * 3) Killing H1B visas won't stop offshoring. Firms will employ Americans to help offshore jobs, and eventually replace the Americans with bots
 * 4) New jobless claims last month fell to a 43-year low. Thanks, Obama, and, err, sorry about the ...you know
 * 5) President Trump will fight for every job as long as they're non-union
 * 6) Trump may not know the meaning of cronyism, but he's sure practicing it
 * 7) President Trump: "Hire American." Trump Vineyards: "We can haz more foreign workers, plz?"
 * 8) Dear Mr. Trump, We got the jobs, we don't have qualified applicants
 * 9) "Clean Coal" has the same problem as dirty coal: Natural gas is too cheap
 * 10) Need more proof that Trump is creating American jobs? Just ask these AP writers tasked with fact checking the President

Things Named After Him
that he doesn't own
 * 1) Not news: There is now a "The Donald" sandwich, which consists of two slices of moist, wonderful, white bread, a yuge slab of bologna, and a slice of American cheese. Fark: It's creator is a Republican immigrant that has strongly opposed Donnie JT

Actual Work

 * 1) Trump team to rethink strategy of haphazardly stumbling around like idiots who can't find a light switch. Wait, they literally can't find the light switches in the White House and have been working in the dark? That explains quite a bit
 * 2) Donald Trump is vexed by the challenges and scale of government, light switches
 * 3) GOP frets over the fact that people expect them to do stuff and fix things
 * 4) Understatement Of The Year Headline: This is going to be harder than Donald Trump expected
 * 5) With hundreds of administration jobs unfilled, Trump is tired of the whole thing, and just decides to leave them unfilled. That is some well-oiled machine you got there Donald

=Administration= This section will provide the names and eventual scandals/crimes/general instances of incompetence associated with these assholes For the full mess, please visit the archive

General Institutional Fuckery

 * 1) Why the Monday Night Massacre is a terrifying turn of events
 * 2) The Monday Night Massacre was no Sunday Night Massacre, which was an exquisite thing of beauty. But don't worry, Trump still has time to match that
 * 3) Bannon, Priebus meet with Australian ambassador to clean up Trump's mess ...probably made it worse
 * 4) For those keeping score at home, Donald Trump did 7 controversial things in his second week as president
 * 5) Trump team to rethink strategy of haphazardly stumbling around like idiots who can't find a light switch. Wait, they literally can't find the light switches in the White House and have been working in the dark? That explains quite a bit
 * 6) White House unhappy with SNL Spicer sketch. Trump doesn't like it when his people look weak, especially unhappy that Spicer was portrayed by a woman. Some female cast member really needs to dress up as Bannon
 * 7) Former Navy Admiral, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff under GWB, warns of consequences of Bannon serving on the National Security Council
 * 8) The fact that they can't spell, don't know history, have tempers, constantly lie, aren't very smart, and suck at tweeting will not deter the Trump Administration; 'We will find out strength in ignorance and our stupidity will propel us to greatness'
 * 9) Trump and his staff use their cell phone lights to work in the dark, ha ha. "Phones are portable television satellite trucks and, if compromised, can be used to get a great deal of information" *gulp*
 * 10) Secret service director announces retirement, in a move that has nothing to do with Trump's paranoia about White House leaks
 * 11) "A source close to the president, who was not there but had knowledge of the situation, told me that Trump was going around tables during dinner asking guests what he should do about Priebus and Spicer" Gee, wonder where these leaks keep coming from
 * 12) Why a scandal-laden White House let one of the more minor scandals leave
 * 13) A complete list of the Trump Administration scandals the press seems to have forgotten about and are not covering-largely because they are too busy chasing the NEW scandals the administration is generating on a daily basis
 * 14) Trump's White House is 'scared to death' and already hunkered down in 'survival mode': report
 * 15) Yes, there will be significant bumps in the road and some tough lumps to take as President Trump builds his team
 * 16) Trump administration when asked if anyone from the campaign had communicated with the Russians: FAKE NEWS FBI: Yeah, about that
 * 17) Trump "wrestles with a crush of crises". Why if only...wait a sec, IS THAT LINDA MCMAHON'S MUSIC? BAH GAWD KING
 * 18) Fifth-tier My Little Pony villain and exiled Lollipop Guild member Reince Priebus is struggling to bring the White House to order
 * 19) U.S.S. Trumptanic gets even "leaner" as six staffers are dismissed for failing FBI background check
 * 20) Trump usually makes his saving throw against scandal, but if you keep attacking with the same story you might get a hit
 * 21) Trump promised that no lobbyist would be involved in his presidential transition. Except, of course, for the dozen lobbyists who helped bankroll it
 * 22) Trump may not know the meaning of cronyism, but he's sure practicing it
 * 23) All of Washington is using an app called Confide, which allows deletion of messages after reading. Only problem is, it's not legal
 * 24) Media notices that Trump's revised travel ban is essentially the same as the last one. No, it is actually different, according to Priebus, Miller and other top aides, because it has a different font
 * 25) "Draining the swamp" apparently code for installing the wealthiest cabinet since the Hoover Administration in 1929 and we all know what followed that
 * 26) Trump's campaign website hacked because Trump is really on top of it. White House running like a smooth machine that only has some of its parts and no electricity
 * 27) You'd think Trump's cabinet picks wouldn't have to fight the White House in order to hire their own staff. You'd be wrong
 * 28) Good news everyone, professor of classics and history at Stanford University reports that electing Trump is the only way to reduce economic inequality in America
 * 29) In shocking news, Steve Bannon is personally undermining US foreign policy and going over the heads of the VP and Secretary of State to stir up shiat with our allies
 * 30) White House officials subscribing to that "definition of insanity" axiom hoping that Trump's speech to Congress won't be a rambling diatribe of insane racist street preacher thoughts, Prison Planet articles, and tin-pot dictator wet dreams
 * 31) President Trump and his cabinet are a bunch of criminal mercenaries. They include a master of disguise, a persuasive con man, a madman, and a gold-chain bedecked thug. And this is according to the comedic sidekick Mike Pence
 * 32) White House now calling out our intelligence services for providing the President with fake intel, and seeks alternate facts that are more in line with his world view
 * 33) With hundreds of administration jobs unfilled, Trump is tired of the whole thing, and just decides to leave them unfilled. That is some well-oiled machine you got there Donald
 * 34) Who is the current director of the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office? That's not a memory test, it's a serious question: nobody knows whether the USPTO director is still in charge, and the Agency is refusing to say

"Advisors" and Other Assorted Appointments
For the full mess, please visit the archive


 * 1) Nuclear weapons experts ask if Trump is getting his information from farking morons or is just farking stupid himself

Overzealous Staffer(s)

 * 1) Michigan Republican offers solution of "Another Kent State" to resolve all those pesky students expressing their opinions

Open Position(s)

 * 1) General
 * 2) 549 key positions in the administration need Senate confirmation. 14 have been filled. 20 await confirmation. 515 don't have nominees
 * 3) Communications Director
 * 4) For some reason The White House is having a really, really, really, really super duper hard difficult time hiring a new communications director
 * 5) Solicitor General
 * 6) The brave Republican warrior who Trump was considering for the job of arguing his cases to the Supreme Court has withdrawn his name from consideration because a rubberstamp Congress that would approve Satan is just too much to bear
 * 7) Deputy Secretary of State
 * 8) Tillerson, Kushner, and Preibus all endorsed Elliott Abrams, a conservative, highly respected expert on middle-east affairs, for State Department #2. Of course, Trump showed him the door after he learned that Elliott once spoke out against him
 * 9) National Security Council Deputy
 * 10) Swamp draining continues in Washington DC, as the Deputy National Security Adviser also resigns
 * 11) National Security Council, miscellaneous
 * 12) Trump NSC appointee fired for complaining that Bannon has taken control of all national security policy
 * 13) "I was a Muslim in Trump's White House. I lasted 8 days"
 * 14) National Security Advisor
 * 15) Russian lawmakers launch a spirited defense of Michael Flynn in a classic case of "you're not helping"
 * 16) Harward: Yeah, no thanks
 * 17) Forget about yesterday's presser, Donnie is launching a new dog and pony show with four - count 'em, four - equally untalented contestants. Don't miss the new season of NSA Apprentice
 * 18) Trump hoping Bannon picks his National Security Adviser soon because he's sick of the fake media asking him about it
 * 19) Director of Secret Service
 * 20) Secret service director announces retirement, in a move that has nothing to do with Trump's paranoia about White House leaks
 * 21) National Security Positions
 * 22) U.S.S. Trumptanic gets even "leaner" as six staffers are dismissed for failing FBI background check
 * 23) Aid to HUD Secretary
 * 24) Trump fires "uppity" aid to HUD secretary
 * 25) CIA operative
 * 26) "I didn't think I'd ever leave the CIA. But because of Trump, I quit"
 * 27) That "I quit the CIA because of Trump" guy that lit up the internets? Yep, big Clinton donor. WaPo has to admit it after the internets and even Wolf Blitzer looked it up
 * 28) Labor Secretary nominee
 * 29) Chris Christie turned down job as Labor Secretary, presumably as it sounded like too much work

Resignations

 * 1) Russian Ambassador to the White House resigns
 * 2) Swamp draining continues in Washington DC, as the Deputy National Security Adviser also resigns
 * 3) Secret service director announces retirement, in a move that has nothing to do with Trump's paranoia about White House leaks

Vladimir Putin
Russian President
 * 1) Treasury Department eases economic sanctions against Russia
 * 2) Foreign policy insider: 'No readout of Trump-Putin call because White House turned off recording'
 * 3) Summer White House demands apology from Bill O'Reilly for calling the President a killer
 * 4) Pence says that Trump is watching Russia, likely waiting for his next orders to come in
 * 5) Putin: "So what you think of START treaty?" Trump: "Hold on." [to aide "Psst, what's the START treaty?"]
 * 6) Much like American politicians, Vladimir Putin is very good at passing himself off as a devout Christian
 * 7) Fake News confirms elements of Fake Dossier
 * 8) "Since January 20, we've assumed that the Kremlin has ears inside the SITROOM"
 * 9) Kremlin spokesman denies Michael Flynn discussed the lifting of sanctions with the Russian ambassador, because if you can't trust Russia, who can you trust?
 * 10) While National Security Adviser Flynn may be in the news for his close ties to the Kremlin, there are plenty of others in the Trump administration who support and admire Putin's defense of judeo-christian values
 * 11) Kremlin confirms their top agent will meet with Putin in July
 * 12) Russian Ambassador to the White House resigns
 * 13) A reminder: Trump did not fire Flynn, but he fired the woman who warned him Flynn was compromised
 * 14) Oh, nothing new with General Flynn, just the Army has been investigating whether Flynn received money from the Russian government during a trip he took to Moscow in 2015
 * 15) Russian lawmakers launch a spirited defense of Michael Flynn in a classic case of "you're not helping"
 * 16) Roses are red, violets are blue, if Flynn has ties to Russia, then Trump does too
 * 17) RT sends tweet congratulating Ambassador to Glorious Motherland a happy retirement
 * 18) As his lackeys in Washington come under increasing scrutiny, Vladimir Putin decides to secretly deploy cruise missiles in violation of treaty that ended Cold War
 * 19) "Missile treaty? What missile treaty?"
 * 20) The Kremlin worries Trump is too "unpredictable" for them to control
 * 21) Rep. Adam Schiff,the top Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee,told democrats in a private conference today that more information on Russia/Trump/Flynn ties will surface soon and "are only the beginning"
 * 22) Russian spy ship loiters 70 miles off US East Coast while listening to our rock and roll. Verify range to target, Vasily. One ping only
 * 23) Michael Flynn's replacement has arrived
 * 24) China admits Putin becomes master of judo in international politics
 * 25) Repeated contacts with Russian intelligence throughout the campaign, you say?
 * 26) Russia spokesperson kindly and subtly reminds Trump that it would be in his best interest to keep up his end of the deal so that no one ends up pissed
 * 27) Russia urges President Trump to keep campaign pledge to improve relations despite that whole Crimea being 'taken' by Putin thingy
 * 28) "To call this past weekend in the Trump administration a garbage fire would be a disservice to garbage fires, which at least shed light and get rid of garbage"
 * 29) Vladimir Putin eyes possible merger of CIA, FBI, NSA, folding them into the KGB. Goldman Sachs eyed as possible lead underwriter of the merger. NSC CEO Steve Bannon unavailable for comment
 * 30) The Kremlin ordered state media to cut way back on their fawning coverage of President Donald Trump, because it's making Putin look bad
 * 31) Mike Pence: We'll totes hold Russia accountable
 * 32) Russia denies NBC report that they are preparing a psychological dossier on President Trump, because, c'mon,OF COURSE they did a full work-up BEFORE launching Operation Elect the Cheeto, geesh
 * 33) White House to FBI: Hey, can you guys knock it off with the whole Trump-Russia talking thing? FBI to White House: LOL NOPE

Steve Bannon
White House chief strategist and Lumpy James May, Gentleman Fascist
 * 1) Turns out, Steve Bannon is an Un-American piece of shiat. Perfect for sitting in on the National Security Council though
 * 2) Republicans fear alt-right white supremacist Steve Bannon also
 * 3) Twenty years ago, Trump's chief strategist Steve Bannon was running the $200 million Biosphere 2 in Arizona, thus setting the stage for Pauly Shore's greatest moment
 * 4) Well it's now inevitable that the US will soon go to war with China ...at least according to chief Trump strategist Steve Bannon
 * 5) Bannon, Priebus meet with Australian ambassador to clean up Trump's mess ...probably made it worse
 * 6) Supervillain Steve Bannon's fave book is called The Fourth Turning whose thesis is that the history of a people moves in cycles called saecula. At a cycle's end, there would be a cataclysmic event that destroys the old order & brings in a new one
 * 7) If Trump's first two weeks have seemed especially chaotic and aimless, it may be because his "Chief Strategist" is relying on some fortune cookie-level BS he read in a translation of a bronze-age book that he considers divine wisdom
 * 8) Apparently Donald Trump didn't know what he was signing when he appointed President Bannon to the NSC
 * 9) Former Navy Admiral, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff under GWB, warns of consequences of Bannon serving on the National Security Council
 * 10) If you thought Steven Bannon had achieved his aims in becoming a shadow President in the United States, you'd be wrong. It seems he also has his eyes set on the Vatican, and undermining Pope Francis
 * 11) Let's ramble through some of Steve Bannon's thoughts in 2015: "Here's Why There Ought To Be A Cap On Women Studying Science And Maths". Oh Lawd
 * 12) That's quite a photograph Rosie O'Donnell has on her Twitter profile
 * 13) Hey look at this article from two weeks ago about how Steve Bannon has been trying to usurp Gen. Michael Flynn's national security portfolio and bring the NSC under political control. I wonder if that's related to anything else in the news
 * 14) The President has full confidence in Sean Spicer. Not unlike how he had full confidence in Flynn just hours before he quit/got fired
 * 15) Reince Priebus and Stephen Bannon embrace one another tightly as the setting sun warms the room through the translucent white curtains. "We are one," Priebus whispers gently into Bannon's ear. He replies, "Yes, my precious, we are"
 * 16) Banish Bannon, that has a nice ring to it
 * 17) The Kremlin is concerned that their man in the Oval Office may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer. In fact,he may be a very dull butter knife who thinks he's a machete
 * 18) John Oliver: "Man, that Putin guy sure has a lot of good luck, doesn't he?"
 * 19) This is a test of the American legal system. Only a test, nothing to see here. Please move along
 * 20) Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition...to snipe a Ukranian oligarch out from under a US extradition request
 * 21) Looks like Bannon will soon be off the National Security Council that he snuck his way on to
 * 22) In shocking news, Steve Bannon is personally undermining US foreign policy and going over the heads of the VP and Secretary of State to stir up shiat with our allies
 * 23) President Bannon rails against the Je--- err.... "globalist"-controlled media
 * 24) Evil drunken troll says Trump's war on media will only get worse and it's all their fault because they should accept Trump's insane agenda that he thought up just last week while tweeting how Rosie O'Donnell is fat
 * 25) President Bannon admits his Cabinet nominees were selected to destroy their agencies . . . "If you look at these Cabinet nominees, they were selected for a reason, and that is deconstruction"
 * 26) Steve Bannon reveals the reason Trump's cabinet picks were designed to ensure they destroyed their own agencies

Ivanka Trump
"First" Lady
 * 1) One of Ivanka's first official activities as First Lady will be to attend a fancy dinner party featuring major employers
 * 2) Is what is expected of a First Lady outdated?
 * 3) Kellyanne Conway to Fox News viewers: "Go buy Ivanka's stuff," and yes, she actually said that
 * 4) 5 CFR 2635.702: § 2635.702 Use of public office for private gain. "An employee shall not use his public office ..for the endorsement of any product, service or enterprise, or for the private gain of friends, relatives"
 * 5) White House press secretary Sean Spicer says Conway was "counseled" for pushing Ivanka Trump products. Coming up next: White House press secretary Sean Spicer replaced by the ShamWow guy

Mike Pence
"Vice" President
 * 1) After Pence sends out thanks to a white guy for Black History Month #PenceBlackHistory is born
 * 2) Pence says that Trump is watching Russia, likely waiting for his next orders to come in
 * 3) Mike Pence picks Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Edumacation
 * 4) It's becoming increasingly clear that Mike Pence is the Kenneth Lay of the Trump administration. Although it being the Trump administration, maybe the better comparison is Sergeant Schultz
 * 5) Mike Pence has gone to Europe on a reassurance tour. He'll shake hands and will let everyone know that Trump is actually just fine. Also, the nuclear football he has access to is the fake one so don't worry
 * 6) Mike Pence: We'll totes hold Russia accountable
 * 7) Pence is going rogue. MAYDAY. MAYDAY
 * 8) Mike Pence isn't against AIDS prevention. (Offer not valid for US Citizens)
 * 9) Pence makes surprise visit to Jewish cemetery. No word on why it was a surprise since the perp always returns to the scene of the crime
 * 10) Pence vows to take healthcare from as many people as possible, no matter how much liberals whine about people dying
 * 11) Mike Pence given CPAC's 'Courage Under Fire" award for the commitment to his principles over his faith which he showed campaigning with Donald Trump
 * 12) President Trump and his cabinet are a bunch of criminal mercenaries. They include a master of disguise, a persuasive con man, a madman, and a gold-chain bedecked thug. And this is according to the comedic sidekick Mike Pence
 * 13) Mike Pence promises to keep "our promises" with Jews, likely by allowing more neo-Nazis into the White House
 * 14) VP Pence wants the Jewish people to know that America will stand firmly with them and their country, Nicaragua
 * 15) Mike Pence to the Indiana Supreme Court: Can we just keep those emails secret? Kthxby

Jared Kushner
Son-in-law
 * 1) Republicans fear alt-right white supremacist Steve Bannon also
 * 2) "A source close to the president, who was not there but had knowledge of the situation, told me that Trump was going around tables during dinner asking guests what he should do about Priebus and Spicer" Gee, wonder where these leaks keep coming from
 * 3) Nothing to see here, just a wealthy sleazeball selling a MLB team to the relative of another wealthy sleazeball in exchange for the title of "US Ambassador to France"
 * 4) Ana Navarro: "Little Jared complaining about me (to CNN's corporate owner) cuz I get under President Daddy-in-Law's skin? Oh, baby boy, I'm so sorry"
 * 5) Jared Kushner owns hundreds of Section 8 housing units. So of course he'll recuse himself from any decisions about HUD. No conflict of interest

Reince Priebus
Chief of Staff
 * 1) Bannon, Priebus meet with Australian ambassador to clean up Trump's mess ...probably made it worse
 * 2) Reince Priebus may soon be Reince Goner from The White House
 * 3) Reince Priebus and Stephen Bannon embrace one another tightly as the setting sun warms the room through the translucent white curtains. "We are one," Priebus whispers gently into Bannon's ear. He replies, "Yes, my precious, we are"
 * 4) Fifth-tier My Little Pony villain and exiled Lollipop Guild member Reince Priebus is struggling to bring the White House to order
 * 5) WH chief of staff wants America to "Take seriously" Trump's threat to the Freedom of Speech
 * 6) Fifth-tier My Little Pony villain and outcast Keebler Elf Reince Priebus gets put on the spot by Chris Wallace over Trump's declaration the media is the enemy; "You don't get to tell us what to do"
 * 7) This time they've gone too far. Not like last time when we thought they had gone too far but still had further they could go... This time, surely, they have gone too far
 * 8) Yes

Jerry Falwell
higher education reform task force
 * 1) Liberty University President Jerry Falwell Jr. asked to head a White House task force on reforming higher education, because colleges need less regulation and more degrees in Jesusology]

Pat Robertson
Advisor to the President in hate-related matters
 * 1) Pat Robertson thinks those who oppose Trump are revolting against God, people like the Pope? Oh wait
 * 2) Demented hate muppet Pat Robertson says "God is working on behalf of Trump." When asked for comment, God was unavailable

Richard Spencer
Whiteness Advisor
 * 1) White nationalist leader praises President Trump for "de-judification" of the Holocaust...which is quite ironic because "de-judification" is the very definition of the Holocaust
 * 2) CPAC Kicks out Richard Spencer, not because of his white supremacy views, or his glorification of fascism, but because he allowed himself to become an anti-conservative meme

Supreme Court Nominee Neil Gorsuch

 * 1) No matter what else he may believe, Gorsuch stands up for the rights of 13 year olds to burp in gym class
 * 2) Why Liberals Should Back Neil Gorsuch
 * 3) What replacing Scalia with Young Scalia means for the court
 * 4) Will Gorsuch be another Scalia when it comes to criminal law? A look at the many Scalia opinions favoring defendants, except those who got their doors busted in or were driving while black
 * 5) Liberals are whining that Gorsuch is an illegitimate candidate because Trump picked a Scalia clone to replace Scalia rather than a far leftist and make the court solidly left as opposed to balanced
 * 6) Supreme Court Justice nominee Neil Gorsuch was founder and president of 'Fascism Forever Club' at his elite high school
 * 7) Mama Gorsuch
 * 8) Remember that time when the SCOTUS-nominee's mother became the first cabinet official to be charged with contempt of Congress?
 * 9) SCOTUS-nominee Judge Gorsuch is disheartened by President Trump's "so-called" tweets about the judiciary. It's a bold strategy Cotton, let's see if it pays of for 'im
 * 10) Come for the "Biden Rule", stay for the "Ginsburg Standard"
 * 11) Have cancer or stuck out in the freezing cold? Trump's Supreme Court nominee reminds you to die faster to help your employer out

Sean Spicer
White House Press Secretary
 * 1) Sean Spicer says Trump's treatment of reporters has been "above and beyond". Meaning just slightly above hostile and just beyond torture
 * 2) Sean Spicer said, Steve Bannon who? when asked about Bannon's recorded caveman Muslim comments
 * 3) Bullshiat Spice clears up Donald Trump's Frederick Douglass comments as only Bullshiat Spice can
 * 4) "Press Sec. Spicer spent a decent chunk of his briefing disputing reports that Hardiman and Gorsuch had been encouraged to come to Washington in a sort of 'Cannonball Run'-like competition to fill the vacant seat on the highest court in the country"
 * 5) Sean Spicer would like these jocular impressions of him to be dialed back. YOUR WORDS
 * 6) Spicer's daily briefing- blah blah blah. I'll never be able to look at that guy without seeing Melissa McCarthy now
 * 7) That's quite a photograph Rosie O'Donnell has on her Twitter profile
 * 8) Sean Spicer was once called Sean Sphincter in his school newspaper. Read his letter to the editor in response
 * 9) Sean Spicer is going to need some help coming up with terror attacks that the media hasn't reported. Let's lend a hand
 * 10) Stupid Spice: Trump is just reminding people that the Earth is a dangerous place. Galactus, Predator, and Borg attacks have risen 5000% since Obama took office
 * 11) Media and White House angrily disagree over whether Trump owns a bathrobe. If journalism isn't wholly dead yet, it's definitely written the note and reaching for the pills
 * 12) Now you, too, can request money from Sean Spicer
 * 13) White House frantically searching for a communications director to repla... Uh, "lighten the load" for Sean Spicer
 * 14) Sean Spicer: 'I can only hope that if Coretta Scott King was still with us,' I'd hope she'd support Jeff Sessions
 * 15) White House press secretary Spicer announces Nordstrom's decision to drop Ivanka Trump's fashion line is a direct attack on the President. Coming up next: USA declares war on Nordstrom
 * 16) Nordstrom stock jumps after Trump tantrum
 * 17) President Trump wanted to hire one of those blond Fox News chicks as press secretary because reasons, but Priebus pushed for Spicer because reasons. It's unclear if those reasons were similar
 * 18) Spicer has referred to a non-existent terror attack in Atlanta three times. This is what happens when you're staffed by the Breitbart comments section and not national security professionals
 * 19) Sean Sphincter claims he "clearly meant Orlando" after citing mystery Atlanta terrorist attack three times. Just like voters "clearly meant Hillary" but accidentally voted Trump
 * 20) For some reason The White House is having a really, really, really, really super duper hard difficult time hiring a new communications director
 * 21) White House press secretary Sean Spicer says Conway was "counseled" for pushing Ivanka Trump products. Coming up next: White House press secretary Sean Spicer replaced by the ShamWow guy
 * 22) Sean Sphincter thinks people should ignore the midnight tweety tweeter and just listen to him
 * 23) In a time long ago, in a world that looked a lot like our own, before we had a new president in The White House, the D.C. Press actually liked Sean Spicer. What changed?
 * 24) Bullshiat Spice denies Trump was confused by the START treaty
 * 25) Our future state media, ladies and gentlemen
 * 26) Like sands through the hourglass soap opera Spicer brings in higher ratings than actual soap operas. Does this mean Victor from The Young & Restless become the new press secretary? Will Trump's Twitter rage soon send him to General Hospital?
 * 27) Time to get extra spicy. White House press briefing is live at 1:00 PM EST
 * 28) Spicer: "The irony of this situation is that the President has been incredibly tough on Russia"
 * 29) Sean Spicer: President Trump has made it very clear that he expects the Russian government to return Crimea to Ukraine. Russian Foreign Ministry spokeswoman Maria Zakharova: "We don't return our territories. Crimea is a territory of the Russia"
 * 30) Sean Spicer calls Justin Trudeau, Joe Trudeau, then later calls him Justin Bieber, then calls him Joe Bieber. Sean OldSpicer might oughta see a doctor
 * 31) The President has full confidence in Sean Spicer. Not unlike how he had full confidence in Flynn just hours before he quit/got fired
 * 32) Will Melissa cry? Did the rally increase Spicer's spirits? Is this the Ft. Sumter moment as Trump takes aim on enemies of the state? Discuss
 * 33) While Trump gives half hearted condemnation of upsurge in Anti Semitism in America at African American Museum? B.S.Spice lashes out at Anne Frank Center saying that Trump condemns hate but "it's never good enough for them".That's the joke, I guess
 * 34) Spicer says town hall protesters are fake. The news is also fake. Anything not pro-Trump is fake. The Trump White House: chock filled with lunatics. Hey, stop being fake. Your opinion is fake. Fake
 * 35) Meet the NYC man behind Sean Spicer's desperately needed suit makeover
 * 36) In today's exercise in Trump administration humiliation, Spicer had to go out in front of millions of people and claim that "military operation" doesn't mean "military operation"
 * 37) Spicer suggests greater enforcement against recreational Marijuana. The spice must flow
 * 38) That time Sean Spicer said banning members of the press from briefings is what dictatorships do
 * 39) THAT'S GONNA HURT TOMORROW: Jake Tapper nails Sean Spicer's hypocrisy with epic Twitter burn
 * 40) Censor Spice gaggles and babbles with the press live at 1:30pm
 * 41) Sean Spicer personally arranged a phone call between top CIA and intelligence officials and two news organizations to try to counter the NY Times story about contact between Russian intelligence and the Trump campaign. Drip. Drip. Drip
 * 42) Sean Spicer will knot be de-turd

Mike Dubke
Communications Director
 * 1) Apparently having lost an epic game of "not it", veteran Republican Strategist Mike Dubke is headed to the White House to fill the role of Communications Director

Kellyanne Conway
Counselor to the President
 * 1) KellyAnne Conway cites the infamous Bowling Green Massacre in defense of Trump's Muslim ban. And really, who could ever forget that tragic event?
 * 2) Bowling Green fundraiser set up to fleece the rubes
 * 3) Lich Queen Kellyanne Conway: "Bowling Green Massacre" was a mere slip of the tongue. WaPo: O RLY?
 * 4) Albino dementor Kellyanne Conway says she messed up when she said "massacre". What she actually meant was that time we accidentally let some terrorists in, then caught them before they did anything and fixed the immigration loopholes. Thank Obama
 * 5) I didn't want to be on TV this week because I want to spend time with my family. Well you asked to be on TV and we declined. So did we
 * 6) Kellyanne Conway says some terror attacks did get "wall-to-wall" coverage. Yeah, the ones that actually happened for example
 * 7) Conway on Trump's Silence on the Quebec attack: "He Doesn't Tweet About Everything"
 * 8) Kellyanne Conway contradicts President Trump by claiming CNN is not fake news. But she said that on CNN, which is fake news. So she can't have said it. We clear?
 * 9) Trump orders Lich Queen Vlaakith Kellyanne Conway to conduct Capitol Hill outreach. The effort lasted a few minutes until a congressional staffer asked Conway about Saturday Night Live
 * 10) Kellyanne Conway to Fox News viewers: "Go buy Ivanka's stuff," and yes, she actually said that
 * 11) 5 CFR 2635.702: § 2635.702 Use of public office for private gain. "An employee shall not use his public office ..for the endorsement of any product, service or enterprise, or for the private gain of friends, relatives"
 * 12) White House press secretary Sean Spicer says Conway was "counseled" for pushing Ivanka Trump products. Coming up next: White House press secretary Sean Spicer replaced by the ShamWow guy
 * 13) Kellyanne Conway is unrepentant over her illegal shilling of Ivanka's products
 * 14) Trump apologist goes on CNN, tries to say Kellyanne of Green Goebbels was joking about her plug of the first lady's fashion line
 * 15) "Kellyanne Conway must be punished." Doesn't that mean we have to find her phylactery first?
 * 16) Since she can't do politics worth a darn, Hillary turns to tweets. Conway with the easy slam
 * 17) Kellyanne of Green Goebbels says the SNL skit portraying her as a Fatal Attraction-esque stalker trying to get on the news with Jake Tapper is sexist, thanks her legion of supporter for backing her up
 * 18) Kellyanne Conway is playing a dangerous game: one where she might reach historic heights if she wins, but where if she loses, someone might destroy her phylactery and release her soul
 * 19) "'Gen. Flynn has the full confidence of the president,' White House counselor Kellyanne Conway told reporters." Which means he will soon be shot out of a cannon, into the sun
 * 20) Single-day trifecta for Trump Administration officials getting investigated now in play
 * 21) Kelly did you just tweet that you love a white nationalist? Kelly:"I don't know who had access to my account"
 * 22) Kellyanne Conway gets the white towel thrown into the ring from her boss, goes to her corner
 * 23) For one shining moment Twitter believed Kellyanne Conway had been booted from TV
 * 24) Lich Queen Kellyanne Conway sneaks onto the set of Hannity to tell Lump people have a "presumptive negativity" about everything Trump. Good thing he's not been giving people reasons to fear his presidency for the past year
 * 25) Kellyanne Conway explains that she's not a feminist because feminists hate men and are pro abortion. "I, on the other hand, love getting knocked up by men"
 * 26) Kellyanne Conway to angry town hall constituents: Solve your own problems, we're just in this for the grift
 * 27) Law professors file misconduct complaint against Kellyanne Conway in attempt to get her disbarred. Bonus: She's already suspended for non-payment of dues

Sarah Huckabee Sanders
White House deputy press secretary
 * 1) The last president to skip the White House Correspondents' Dinner only did so because he'd just been shot in the chest. And he still picked up the phone and called in
 * 2) White House condemns Kansas shooting as racist, adding "wink wink, nudge nudge"

Peter Theil
Advisor to the President
 * 1) Peter Thiel, advisor to President Trump, said in his application for New Zealand citizenship filed in 2011 that New Zealand is "the future", presumably because they wouldn't be stupid enough to elect an insane reality show host to lead them
 * 2) Peter Thiel is Trump's shadow president in Silicon Valley

Fox
Propaganda Ministry
 * 1) Al Sharpton: Let's not forget that Jesus was a refugee escaping persecution from King Herod. Fox News: Republican Jesus was only traveling because he was being forced to pay taxes...Al, do you even Bible, bro? lololol
 * 2) Those working in The Wall Street Journal newsroom are not too happy that their editor-in-chief has told them to go soft on Trump and not hurt his feelings
 * 3) Sean "Lumpy" Hannity is tired of the radical alt-left holding up President Trump's agenda. Did I say radical alt-left? I meant Republican congressmen
 * 4) At press conference between Trump and Japanese PM, only Rupert Murdoch-owned outlets were allowed to ask questions
 * 5) Big government tries to stifle the freedom of Fox News... wait... crony capitalism..... no, wait, Trump is President, how do you spin Fox News being fined for lying to shareholders as being the fault of evil liebruls?
 * 6) How TV influences Donald Trump's foreign policy. And that's fine, look I was raised on TV and I turned out TV
 * 7) OH great, Apparently our foreign policy is being "forged" by FOX News. We're now at war with Sweden, Mexico, and Australia
 * 8) Trump lives in a media bubble and it's causing chaos. "We now need someone to unplug the White House wi-fi and switch off his damn television"
 * 9) Donald Trump's aides are using special tactics to keep him off Twitter, starting with no tweeting within eight hours of watching anything on CNN
 * 10) Pres. Trump says media shouldn't be citing confidential sources. As proof, he references an unnamed news report
 * 11) Trump's tweets are very predictable - if you watch Fox News. It's where the President gets all his information. Certainly not books or smart people
 * 12) The organization you want to abuse on your talk show won't send anyone, do you C) hire an actor to pretend to be a member
 * 13) Bill O'Reilly finally issues correction over his fake Swedish security expert
 * 14) Trump just refused to give CNN, LA Times, NYT & Politico entry into the White House
 * 15) That's borked up

Fox Jr.(s)

 * 1) Breitbart "News"
 * 2) Our future state media, ladies and gentlemen
 * 3) The members of the ownership group that purchased the United States in a hostile takeover this November have been revealed
 * 4) Breitbart, under the leadership of Stephen Bannon, purchased the trademark rights to the term "Big Gay Hate Machine"
 * 5) InfoWars
 * 6) Infowars has been subverted by the Reverse-Reverse Vampires in support of the Lizard People's Trumpist agenda
 * 7) Alex Jones scrubs all references to "Pizzagate" from InfoWars website, denies he ever believed it was a thing
 * 8) Gateway Pundit
 * 9) Assistant Dumbest Man on the Internet Lucian B. Wintrich granted White House press credentials
 * 10) Guy who arranged the Deploraball is now a White House correspondent
 * 11) James O'Keefe
 * 12) Invest in popcorn futures in 3, 2, 1
 * 13) Jame's O'keefe's latest "bombshell", the "CNN Leaks" project, is a couple of recordings with low-level staffers from 2009 where one called Rassmussen a bad pollster, another said climate change is "undeniable" and a third called Fox news "unbearable
 * 14) Chris Ruddy, CEO of Newsmax
 * 15) That day when Newsmax says it's time to tone it down a little

Michael Flynn
National Security Adviser
 * 1) The plan to bomb Iran just kicked off
 * 2) Man, the Trump administration sure likes walls. First Mexico, now the National Security Council
 * 3) Trump's own staff is starting to worry about his disintegrating mental and emotional state. But her emails
 * 4) General Flynn learns the hard way that the NSA listens to all calls with Russian officials
 * 5) Mike Flynn, Security Risk
 * 6) [|Logan Act] details the fine and/or imprisonment of unauthorized citizens who negotiate with foreign governments having a dispute with the United States
 * 7) "Since January 20, we've assumed that the Kremlin has ears inside the SITROOM"
 * 8) Signs multiplying that Michael Flynn will be the first to be thrown under the Trump administration's short bus
 * 9) Kremlin spokesman denies Michael Flynn discussed the lifting of sanctions with the Russian ambassador, because if you can't trust Russia, who can you trust?
 * 10) While National Security Adviser Flynn may be in the news for his close ties to the Kremlin, there are plenty of others in the Trump administration who support and admire Putin's defense of judeo-christian values
 * 11) "'Gen. Flynn has the full confidence of the president,' White House counselor Kellyanne Conway told reporters." Which means he will soon be shot out of a cannon, into the sun

Michael Flynn (ret.)
former National Security Adviser
 * 1) Russian Ambassador to the White House resigns
 * 2) Hey look at this article from two weeks ago about how Steve Bannon has been trying to usurp Gen. Michael Flynn's national security portfolio and bring the NSC under political control. I wonder if that's related to anything else in the news
 * 3) Roses are red, violets are blue, if Flynn has ties to Russia, then Trump does too
 * 4) A reminder: Trump did not fire Flynn, but he fired the woman who warned him Flynn was compromised
 * 5) Oh, nothing new with General Flynn, just the Army has been investigating whether Flynn received money from the Russian government during a trip he took to Moscow in 2015
 * 6) Russian lawmakers launch a spirited defense of Michael Flynn in a classic case of "you're not helping"
 * 7) RT sends tweet congratulating Ambassador to Glorious Motherland a happy retirement
 * 8) David Petreaus may replace Michael Flynn as security advisor. Thank God they got someone who is controversy free
 * 9) The hearings will begin any minute now
 * 10) Remember when Michael Flynn did all those Trump rallies talking about how Hillary thought she was above the law? Well, Hillary sure does. Mikey could be in the greybar hotel for the rest of his short and moronic days
 * 11) Rep. Adam Schiff,the top Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee,told democrats in a private conference today that more information on Russia/Trump/Flynn ties will surface soon and "are only the beginning"
 * 12) House Intelligence Committee Chairman (R-eprehensible) says his panel will not investigate Flynn's ties to Russia, but will investigate the leaks that led to his resignation
 * 13) Why a scandal-laden White House let one of the more minor scandals leave
 * 14) Rand Paul just comes out and admits that Republicans shouldn't be investigating Republicans
 * 15) John McCain has become the sole voice of reason in the GOP
 * 16) James Comey back in the hot seat after Flynnghazi
 * 17) Sen. Lindsey Graham: My, my, I do declare, contact between Trump campaign and Russian intel officials would be a game changer, you hear
 * 18) Do you think Donald Trump realizes Donald Trump fired Mike Flynn? Because it doesn't appear that Donald Trump knows this
 * 19) Look this Mike Flynn scandal is all just a big innocent misunderstanding: When General Flynn saw a note on his desk from Trump reading "VP is demanding you call the Russian Ambassador today" He just ASSUMED that meant Pence and not..you know
 * 20) Just because he was intimately involved in Trump's campaign and in close contact with two of the people being investigated by the FBI for their ties to Russia, doesn't mean Attorney General Sessions should recuse himself from the investigation
 * 21) Trump complains that Flynn would still be working for him if no one knew what Flynn had been up to
 * 22) Poor Donnie won't be able to do everything in deep dark secret and illegally. Getting away with stuff was so much easier as a private citizen
 * 23) Man, who wasn't listening in on Flynn's conversations with Russia?
 * 24) Flynn must face prison and Trump must face impeachment
 * 25) Say hello to Federal Prisoner 38379583, Michael Flynn, who lied to the FBI during an interview about the substance of his calls to Russia
 * 26) FBI decides not to pursue charges against Hillary Flynn
 * 27) Trump knew
 * 28) And the first GOP Congressman has hit the Trump-Putin International Hotel and Pleasure Palace
 * 29) Mike Pence: We'll totes hold Russia accountable
 * 30) Why Flynnghazi is so troubling
 * 31) How Trump is getting away with corruption
 * 32) Trump's private lawyer Michel Cohen, his Russian "fixer," convicted felon and mafia member Felix Sater, and an ally of Viktor Yanukovych, secretly worked out a "peace plan" this summer to lift sanctions on Russia and remove Ukraine's current leaders
 * 33) Cohen lied about not taking the Ukraine peace plan to the White House. "Says who?" "Says who?"

Alex Jones
"journalist"
 * 1) International intelligence expert Alex Jones calls the Quebec mosque terror attack a "false flag, just like Sandy Hook"
 * 2) Suspect Sought in Bowling Green Massacre
 * 3) According to a former editor at Infowars, Alex Jones is a snake oil salesman. Obvious tag taken out in what was OBVIOUSLY a false flag operation conducted by those secret liberal Muslim aliens, so 'Murica
 * 4) America doesn't deserve Donald Trump says Alex Jones
 * 5) Infowars has been subverted by the Reverse-Reverse Vampires in support of the Lizard People's Trumpist agenda
 * 6) Unhinged conspiracy theorist and known crazy person Alex Jones says Obama is "plotting a Bolshevik revolution" against Trump
 * 7) Alex Jones accuses Homeland of trying to make him look crazy, forgets that we all have eyes
 * 8) "Just imagine info, then imagine someone at war with it. This is a man who knows what it sounds like when a monkey f*cks a football," Stephen Colbert says of Trump's advisor Alex Jones
 * 9) Alex Jones scrubs all references to "Pizzagate" from InfoWars website, denies he ever believed it was a thing
 * 10) You can never have too many supercuts of Alex Jones descending into abject anger and panic. And no, this is not a repeat

Andrew Bremberg
assistant to the President in charge of details; no homo
 * 1) Meet Donald Trump's details man. Wait, he has one?

Gina Haspel
Deputy Director of the CIA
 * 1) "Trump taps first woman to CIA second in command." Uh, phrasing?

Vincent Viola
Secretary of the Army nominee
 * 1) On second thought...I'm outta here

Sebastian Gorka
Deputy assistant to President
 * 1) Trump White House Official finally admits it. The only reason they are calling everything "fake news" is because most news stories do not present the dear leader in a flattering light
 * 2) When "Nazi collaborator" stops being a euphemism for White House advisors
 * 3) There...is...another...Bannon
 * 4) Trump advisor, forgetting that the First Amendment hasn't been repealed yet, threatens legal action against a man tweeting criticism of Trump

Climate Leadership Council
Members include:
 * former Secretary of State James Baker III
 * former Secretary of State George Schultz
 * former Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson 
 * 1) Top Republicans acknowledge climate change is real, and in order to fight it the EPA must be gutted

Gary Cohn
chief economic advisor
 * 1) Top Republicans acknowledge climate change is real, and in order to fight it the EPA must be gutted

Stephen A. Feinberg
member, President's economic advisory council
 * 1) Billionaire friend of Trump with no intelligence experience to lead review of intelligence agencies. No word yet on whether dunking stools will be in use

Stephen Miller
Assistant to the President
 * 1) White House adviser Stephen Miller: "We don't have judicial supremacy in this country." That is so true. Even our country's highest judicial court doesn't have the word "supreme" in its name
 * 2) Joe Scarborough goes unhinged after seeing Stephen Miller's Sunday Morning talk show performances, calling him a "horrendous embarrassment" who gave the "worst performance ever." Guess ol' Joe has finally hit his breaking point
 * 3) Why creepy Addams Family reject Stephen Miller should worry the hell out of non-fascist Americans
 * 4) Rising star in the Trump administration has carried a reputation for being an asshole since high school. Spent his years at Duke interning for Sessions while writing racist and sexist position papers. Christ, what an asshole
 * 5) How'd you like to make a thousand bucks the hard way?
 * 6) Key Trump aide Stephen Miller follows David Duke on Twitter. Bonus: And "likes" Duke's tweets. Double failtastic cross-burny bonus: As recently as Tuesday

Scott Baio
Special Celebrity Advisor
 * 1) Scott Baio has $30K?

Omarosa Manigault
Minority outreach, Nixon Apprentice and #1 fangirl
 * 1) Omarosa apparently came from the Nixon school of thought before joining the Trump White House

National Security Council

 * 1) Deputy
 * 2) Swamp draining continues in Washington DC, as the Deputy National Security Adviser also resigns
 * 3) Staff
 * 4) Trump administration National Security staff told to keep briefs brief and use lots of pretty pictures because our president is a nimrod
 * 5) Victoria Coates
 * 6) Trump appoints an art historian to the National Security Council because nobody told him those Dan Brown books were fiction

Strategic Initiatives Group

 * White House think tank created by Bannon and Kushner
 * works on issues of foreign policy decisions and national strategy and security; possibly duplicating the work of the National Security Council
 * members include Sebastian Gorka
 * 1) There...is...another...Bannon

H.R. McMaster
National Security Advisor
 * 1) Trump nominates H.R. McMaster for NSA. No word if any other Sid and Marty Kroft characters will be added to the administration
 * 2) Trump's new National Security Adviser is everything Steve Bannon is not. Expect his resignation over a story involving Chinese hookers blowing a Muppet any day now
 * 3) The first reasonable-sounding thing emerging from the Trump Administration, ever
 * 4) Newly named NSC head McMaster wants Trump administration to drop the term "radical Islamic terrorism". Prefers "alt-faithful" instead

Paul Manafort
former Trump campaign manager
 * 1) This is a test of the American legal system. Only a test, nothing to see here. Please move along
 * 2) Hacking data shows Paul Manafort was being blackmailed by Russia
 * 3) I'm starting to think this Manafort guy isn't trustworthy. Maybe somebody oughta take a look at him

Michael Cohen
President's personal lawyer
 * 1) Trump's private lawyer Michel Cohen, his Russian "fixer," convicted felon and mafia member Felix Sater, and an ally of Viktor Yanukovych, secretly worked out a "peace plan" this summer to lift sanctions on Russia and remove Ukraine's current leaders
 * 2) Cohen lied about not taking the Ukraine peace plan to the White House. "Says who?" "Says who?"
 * 3) The Kremlin disavows the "peace plan" worked out by a Ukrainian lawmaker, Trump's Mob-connected "adviser" Felix Sater, and private lawyer Michael Cohen. Offers condolences to the lawmaker's family on his impending demise
 * 4) This is a test of the American legal system. Only a test, nothing to see here. Please move along
 * 5) Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition...to snipe a Ukranian oligarch out from under a US extradition request

Wayne LaPierre
Executive Grand Dragon of NRA
 * 1) Just a reminder that neither Trump, or even Steve Bannon holds the title of "most unhinged conservative leader" That "honor" belongs to NRA chief Wayne LaPierre as his one-man performance of "Dr Strangelove" at CPAC just reminded us

Kevin Hassett
cheif economist
 * 1) Trump has chosen his top economist - the guy who wrote Dow 36000

Ken Blackwell
domestic policy chair, transition team
 * 1) Trump transition official: Executive Order allowing you the freedom to discriminate based on your religious beliefs against LGBT is coming, because you can't be American unless you piss on someone else. #MAGA

Cabinet, Secretaries, Assorted Agencies and Department Heads
For the full mess, please visit the archive

General

 * 1) Trump administration is an empty shell as opposed to an empty suit
 * 2) President Bannon admits his Cabinet nominees were selected to destroy their agencies . . . "If you look at these Cabinet nominees, they were selected for a reason, and that is deconstruction"
 * 3) The two defining characteristics of the new right: 1. Hatred for everything different. 2. Indifference of corruption by their own leaders

Nominees

 * 1) Puzder, Labor Nominee
 * 2) Labor Department Employees: "Hey, ya know, maybe the guy we have repeatedly fined and who refers to his own employees as 'the worst of the worst' isn't the best pick for Labor Secretary"
 * 3) Trump's nominee for Secretary of Labor admits to employing illegal immigrants
 * 4) The genius behind "Suicide Squad" confirmed by the Senate and now fifth in line for the presidency. Brought to you by Carl's Jr
 * 5) Senate Republicans ask Trump to withdraw his Puzder, it's not that kind of party
 * 6) Precedent pulls Puzder
 * 7) Trump's former labor secretary nominee says his candidacy was destroyed by "a tsunami of fake news" which is apparently what we are calling "a videotape of your wife on the Oprah Winfrey show talking about how you beat the shiat out of her" now
 * 8) DeVos, Education Secretary Nominee
 * 9) Someone is paying random internet users to lobby for Betsy DeVos's confirmation. It's almost as if someone has some financial interest in destroying our public education system, or something
 * 10) Mike Pence picks Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Edumacation
 * 11) Palin, Ambassador to Canada Nominee Threat
 * 12) Proving that even Canadians have their limits, news that Sarah Palin might be appointed Ambassador sparks impolite reactions
 * 13) Carson, HUD Nominee
 * 14) Ben Carson wakes up from eight year nap, says he's ready to work and do whatever it is Trump wants him to do
 * 15) McMahon, SBA Nominee
 * 16) Linda McMahon wins the undisputed Small Business Administration belt
 * 17) Verma, Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) administrator Nominee
 * 18) Seema Verma--which sounds like a forgotten Tolkien character but is really a health care lobbyist--is Trump's pick to oversee Medicare and Medicaid, both of which she has said "fosters dependency"
 * 19) Pruitt, Environmental Protection Agency Nominee
 * 20) But his emails
 * 21) Scott Pruitt confirmed as head of Environmental Destruction Agency
 * 22) Bilden for Secretary of the Navy
 * 23) Trump's Navy secretary nominee on the verge of withdrawing. Back up choice? The sailor from The Village People
 * 24) Trump's pick for Navy Secretary withdraws. I guess he didn't feel like (sunglasses) going down with the ship.....YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH
 * 25) Ross for Secretary of Commerce
 * 26) Must be a day ending in "y." It has been revealed there is another Trump cabinet member connection to Russia
 * 27) Wwwwilllllbuurrrrrrr, you are now the commerce secretary

Department of Homeland Security

 * 1) Looks like the Dept of Homeland Security will be getting some angry tweets tonight
 * 2) Dept. of Homeland Security finds Trump's travel ban pointless, says we need to stay focused on the real threats like nail clippers at airports
 * 3) Trump finds Dept. of Homeland Security report on travel ban pointless, says it failed to include data supporting the ban. "This is not the intelligence assessment the President asked for"

Director of the Department of Homeland Security

 * 1) DHS Secretary says border wall should be finished in two years. Stop laughing, he's serious. Really
 * 2) Trump declares the immigration roundup efforts a "military operation". No word if it comes with new, matching uniforms for ICE officials
 * 3) In today's exercise in Trump administration humiliation, Spicer had to go out in front of millions of people and claim that "military operation" doesn't mean "military operation"
 * 4) Homeland Security chief John Kelly wonders why the press brings up questions about military force being used in immigration operations. This might be a crazy thought, but maybe they keep asking because the President of the U.S. said exactly that
 * 5) DHS chief promises softer stance on the second Muslim Ban

State Department

 * 1) Tillerson, Kushner, and Preibus all endorsed Elliott Abrams, a conservative, highly respected expert on middle-east affairs, for State Department #2. Of course, Trump showed him the door after he learned that Elliott once spoke out against him
 * 2) Apparently all you need to do in order to be Ambassador to Austria is be a superfan of "The Sound of Music"
 * 3) State Department? We don't need no stinking State Department
 * 4) State Department memo regarding leaks, quickly leaked

Secretary of State

 * 1) The new secretary of state - a former Exxon CEO - admits climate change is real but it's not our problem
 * 2) Tillerson forced to stay at sanatorium with old people in wheelchairs, 30 minutes away from other G20 attendees, because nobody booked him and his entourage a room early enough. Meets with Lavrov, then quickly has press removed from room
 * 3) That fear of Rex Tillerson being Secretary of State may be unfounded, as he's already been pushed to the margins by the Trumperdome
 * 4) Rex Tillerson demoted from Big Oil captain of industry to Mexican Government Piñata Biatch. Let's see if anyone notices

Secretary of Defense

 * 1) US to Best Korea: Yeah, using a nuke on us would be a really bad idea
 * 2) Def. Sec. Mattis to meet NATO, try to convince them that Trump is only going to let Russia invade one or two of them
 * 3) Pentagon tells NATO allies, "You all are gonna pay"
 * 4) "There's very little doubt that Russia interfered with elections" says soon to be ex-Defense Secretary Mattis
 * 5) Rep. Seth Moulton: "General Mattis may resign because Trump is so farking insane"
 * 6) Mad Dog Mattis unexpectedly visits Iraq, says the US isn't there to steal its precious, precious oil

Department of Defense

 * 1) Department of Defense looking to rent space in Trump Tower, which, "could directly funnel government money into the president's business interests." Well, that sounds like it's totally not a conflict of interest
 * 2) Every man, woman and child in the US will be paying more. To rebuild the military. $169.33 per person, as a matter of fact. Feel safer yet?
 * 3) Trump: "If we rebuild our military, we don't even need a State department, it does nothing"

Pentagon

 * 1) Wait, I thought it was Obama who created ISIS
 * 2) Plans for what will surely end up a massive land war in the Middle East have been sent to the White House

EPA
Environmental Protection Agency
 * 1) Top Republicans acknowledge climate change is real, and in order to fight it the EPA must be gutted
 * 2) EPA staff told to prepare for Trump's dickening, by which I mean "Executive Orders"

Director of the EPA

 * 1) An EPA staffer (probably soon to be former) blasts Trump's new EPA boss Scott Pruitt's first speech as "condescending and hypocritical"
 * 2) B-b-but his emails? Open government group releases the first 1,500 of 7,500 pages of emails that they received under an Open Record Act lawsuit, that newly installed EPA chief Scott Pruitt sent during his days as Oklahoma's Attorney General
 * 3) Scott Pruitt's emails released yesterday raise serious concerns about his ties to the energy industry and how he worked to try block environmental regulations. Imagine how embarrassing it would be if the Senate had already voted to confirm him
 * 4) New EPA chief demonstrates gratitude, familiarity with insides of pockets
 * 5) Scott Pruitt lied under oath during his Senate confirmation hearing. About what? "Have you ever conducted business using your personal email accounts?"
 * 6) This is what America looked like before the EPA cleaned things up, and what we could be looking at again if Pruitt has his way

Attorney General

 * 1) Dear small-government, pro-10th Amendment conservatives: Your Attorney General hopes you've enjoyed the brief exercise in self-governance by States with medical and recreational marijuana. We now return you to your regularly scheduled war on drugs
 * 2) Just because he was intimately involved in Trump's campaign and in close contact with two of the people being investigated by the FBI for their ties to Russia, doesn't mean Attorney General Sessions should recuse himself from the investigation


 * 1) Former Keebler Elf and weekend Southern Dandy cosplayer AG Sessions girds his loins to do battle with Betsy DeVoucher over transgender protections in public schools
 * 2) Betsy DeVos is the voice of reason and compassion. I now need a hot shower and lots of booze after typing that
 * 3) Sure, it's massively unsafe and twice as expensive, but if we put these paid protesters into the normal prison system, they'd have civil rights and we just can't have that sort of thing
 * 4) Jeff Sessions thinks there are too many people in the labor force whose time would be better spent in prison
 * 5) Sessions: Smoking pot makes you extremely violent. Except for Colorado, that place is off limits. Attempt no landing there
 * 6) Hoping to prevent the liberal horde outside his door from burning him in effigy over his stance on health care, Rep. Tom Garret (R, VA-5th-of-booze) tries to give them something else to light up by introducing a bill to legalize marijuana
 * 7) Jeff Sessions envisions an America in which marijuana is sold at every corner grocery store. Hey, maybe this guy isn't so bad after all
 * 8) AG Sessions: Better to imprison the innocent than let the guilty go free

Department of Justice

 * 1) Big government tries to stifle the freedom of Fox News... wait... crony capitalism..... no, wait, Trump is President, how do you spin Fox News being fined for lying to shareholders as being the fault of evil liebruls?
 * 2) "Trump is urging the Justice Department to investigate his perceived opponents." A surprise only to an 80-year-old hermit opal miner in the Australian outback
 * 3) The orange jumpsuit industry poised for growth again
 * 4) Trump administration laying the ground work for 2020 victory

FBI
Federal Bureau of Investigation
 * 1) FBI is so successful at fighting terrorism that their anti-terror units can take time off to harass pipeline protesters. Yay America
 * 2) The FBI is feeling a little left out on the whole "let's dump every damning thing we have on Trump" frenzy, releases 1970s housing discrimination documents
 * 3) Say hello to Federal Prisoner 38379583, Michael Flynn, who lied to the FBI during an interview about the substance of his calls to Russia
 * 4) FBI decides not to pursue charges against Hillary Flynn
 * 5) Three - Three FBI probes into Russian election hacking scandal. Ah, ah, ah
 * 6) White House to FBI: Hey, can you guys knock it off with the whole Trump-Russia talking thing? FBI to White House: LOL NOPE
 * 7) Waking up every morning like "Jesus Christ, what now?"
 * 8) Yes
 * 9) Looks like the FBI was planning to pay for Pee Dossier 2: The Pissining

Director of the FBI

 * 1) James Comey back in the hot seat after Flynnghazi
 * 2) Late into a getaway Friday, James Comey was briefing senators on Russia. They will now all get a week in Sochi as part of the time share package
 * 3) Yes

Office of the Director of National Intelligence

 * 1) Office of DNI: "We didn't withhold intelligence from Trump." Yeah, pretty sure you're going to have to blame God for that one

FAA
Federal Aviation Administration
 * 1) Trump adds the FAA to the list of regulatory agencies to be sold to the Brawndo Corporation

FCC
Federal Communications Commission
 * 1) The Trump Administration doesn't want poor people to have inexpensive access to the internet
 * 2) Trump's FCC will stop limiting charges for inmate phone calls

Treasury Department

 * 1) Treasury Department eases economic sanctions against Russia
 * 2) "I'm going to lie to your face, then lie some more, then cover that with a lie but I'm for realsies telling the truth"
 * 3) White House says Russian sanctions being lifted is not really happening. Nothing to see here. Please move along

Secretary of the Treasury

 * 1) Munchkin promises tax reform will pass by August. Lollypop Guild could not be reached for comment

Secretary of Education

 * 1) Betsy DeVos asks Twitter a question "Day 1 on the job is done, but we're only getting started. Now where do I find the pencils?" Twitter responds with predictable answers
 * 2) Moments after being deterred from her agency's mission, Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos says she will not be deterred from her agency's mission
 * 3) Seattle sandwich shop channels its future public school education to welcome Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education
 * 4) Yes, being a conservative billionaire is just like being a black girl taunted by racists in the 1950s
 * 5) After encounters with protestors, Betsy DeVos is given protection from the U.S. Marshals Service, Although most teachers say she would already know how to defend herself if she'd only worked a few months in a public school
 * 6) Former Keebler Elf and weekend Southern Dandy cosplayer AG Sessions girds his loins to do battle with Betsy DeVoucher over transgender protections in public schools
 * 7) Betsy DeVos is the voice of reason and compassion. I now need a hot shower and lots of booze after typing that
 * 8) Secretary of Education Bel Biv DeVos says "separate but equal" was actually just a great prototype for school choice
 * 9) In response to her idiocy, Betsy DeVos stated "I meant that black people had to build their own schools because the old ones were destroyed in the war of 1812 when the Egyptians battled the Romans over how much tea Vikings threw in the harbor

Department of Education

 * 1) Betsy Devos Department of Education tweets a quote from "W.E.B. DeBois", and gets the reaction they deserve
 * 2) After misspelling "W.E.B. DeBois" in a tweet, U.S. Department of Education apologizes, misspelling "apology"

Ambassador to France

 * 1) Nothing to see here, just a wealthy sleazeball selling a MLB team to the relative of another wealthy sleazeball in exchange for the title of "US Ambassador to France"

U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations

 * 1) Nikki Haley latest federal diplomat to have to walk behind Trump picking up his turds

Acting Director of ICE

 * 1) A meeting between lawmakers and the acting director of ICE took an interesting turn when several Hispanic Democrats were "asked" to leave. It's almost as if certain people don't want them to know what's going on

Nuclear Regulatory Commission

 * 1) While most new federal regulations have been put on hold, the Nuclear Regulatory Commission is going ahead on their rules regulating "Tornado generated missiles" which, while I have NO IDEA what those are, I am glad SOMEONE is regulating

ICE
Immigration and Customs Enforcement
 * 1) Here comes the "Deportation Force". Perhaps we could concentrate those rounded up into camps of some kind
 * 2) The undocumented immigrants rounded up by ICE recently include very few blind-orphan single moms working three jobs while learning astrophysics, and rather a lot of rapists, drug dealers and drunk drivers
 * 3) Just in case your faith in humanity hasn't been completely destroyed, there are now people pretending to be ICE agents in order to extort money from immigrants


 * 1) Trump declares the immigration roundup efforts a "military operation". No word if it comes with new, matching uniforms for ICE officials
 * 2) In an effort to show they're not being racist, ICE is now raiding Asian restaurants in Mississippi. German, Hungarian, and Italian restaurants seen closing early
 * 3) Trump and his supporters, winning the war on women awaiting brain surgery

Administrator of SBA

 * 1) Were 46 percent of the people in this photo (including the President of the United States) given the Stone Cold Stunner? (with animated GIFs)

CIA

 * 1) Sean Spicer personally arranged a phone call between top CIA and intelligence officials and two news organizations to try to counter the NY Times story about contact between Russian intelligence and the Trump campaign. Drip. Drip. Drip

Director of the CIA

 * 1) Newly appointed CIA director Pompeo denies reports that his agency is withholding information from Vladimir Putin

Housing and Urban Development

 * 1) Jared Kushner owns hundreds of Section 8 housing units. So of course he'll recuse himself from any decisions about HUD. No conflict of interest

Director of the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office

 * 1) Who is the current director of the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office? That's not a memory test, it's a serious question: nobody knows whether the USPTO director is still in charge, and the Agency is refusing to say

Director of the Office of Management and Budget

 * 1) Trump's Budget Chief says Trump's proposed budget "sends a very powerful message". And that message, is, of course: We have absolutely no idea what we are doing