Drumpfster Fire Misinformation/Archive/2017/March 2017

This is an archive of Drumpfster Fire Misinformation Fark threads for the month of March, 2017 Click this link for the current month, or here for the rest of the archive.

=Dear Leader=

The Show Is ‘Trump’
And it is sold-out performances everywhere
 * 1) Handed out with a photo of him signing it, Trump doubles down on Muslim ban
 * 2) Trump has 26 million Twitter followers but is only following 43 people and businesses. And most of those businesses are his own
 * 3) Welcome to the post-truth presidency
 * 4) Trump's new strategy is to make up a conspiracy to deflect from the seriousness of the Russia ties. Yeah, we've been over this, CNN; you're late to the party
 * 5) Trump: "We're going to re-build America with American steel." *offer not valid in United States, check local listings for details
 * 6) Trump attempts to deflect the latest revelation involving one of his staffers coordinating with Russia by going on Twitter and making fake claims about the economy
 * 7) Of the three bills and two executive orders President Trumpler signed yesterday, guess which one wasn't given a signing ceremony or photoshoot
 * 8) First rule of free speech: other people don't get any
 * 9) Is Trumpism the new Punk Rock? Short answer: No. Long answer: Faaaaaaaaaaark NO
 * 10) New poll suggests the Democratic Party is less popular than Trump and Pence. Dealer showing 10, DNC seen doubling down
 * 11) Colbert completed Trump's 'say it to my face' challenge
 * 12) Joe Scarborough says he graded Trump on a curve due to his rhetoric, but he gets credit for "not threatening to crush democracy" and seemed "almost normal"
 * 13) With a coherent speech for once, Donald Trump may have just had his Bar Mitzvah moment
 * 14) Apparently not having learned their lesson from the past election, Democrats pick the most underwhelming candidate they could find to deliver the Democratic response to Trump. How underwhelming? Even Rachel Maddow panned him as small and stunty
 * 15) President ME has left the building: Trump references self 60 percent less than Obama in first SOTU address. And remember, this is Donald Trump we are talking about
 * 16) Factchecking of Trump's speech exceeds expectations by 17%
 * 17) Of the three bills and two executive orders President Trumpler signed yesterday, guess which one wasn't given a signing ceremony or photoshoot
 * 18) Trump's first address to congress was watched by three billion people, more than any other American President before him
 * 19) We now know Trump is no ballerina, he didn't have a one-night "pivot" concerning his State of the Union speech, so just stop picturing him in a tutu
 * 20) Fox News was the most-watched cable network for Trump's State of The Confederacy speech
 * 21) "The media's reaction to his speech to Congress was shameful"
 * 22) Hey everyone, looks like everything is running smoothly. Trump's tweets speak for themselves
 * 23) By acting like a paranoid crybaby, Donald Trump has inadvertently destroyed the narrative that Russia hacked our presidential election
 * 24) Trump surprises kids on White House tour because everyone thought he was at Mar-a-Lago again
 * 25) Now that President Trump has figured out this White House gig his approval ratings have started to climb
 * 26) Trump has smashed, destroyed, and otherwise perverted the Presidential Code
 * 27) President Trump nominated for Nobel Peace Prize. He's only been in office a month so the odds are against him, like our president has ever been daunted by the odds
 * 28) Goofy haircut? ✔ Boxy, ill-fitting suits? ✔ Erratic and unstable personality? ✔ Primitive vocabulary? ✔ Hates the country to the south? ✔ Brooks no opposition from underlings? ✔ Thin skin? ✔ Father gave him his career? ✔ Is it Trump or Kim Jong Un?
 * 29) So, has anyone else noticed that the handicapping of the State Department that President Trump has engaged in, benefits Russia and Putin tremendously?
 * 30) White House finally responds to growing questions about Wikileaks CIA dump, Trump's wiretap accusation and connections to Russia...by canceling all press events
 * 31) Keith Olbermann on why Trump is a horrible president: just compare what he said in the joint address to Congress to what he said afterwards
 * 32) Day 50: Trump keeps signing whatever the fark you put in front of him and only using executive power
 * 33) So what is up with Donald Trump and a cemetery or cemeteries in New Jersey?
 * 34) Donald Trump will host China's president at Mar-A-Lago because why not waste more taxpayer dollars
 * 35) Spicer Says: Trump wants the White House Press pool to decide where he donates his salary. I'm pretty sure they all read Fark so let's give them some suggestions
 * 36) NBC Reporter: "Can we trust that what the President says is real?" Bullshiat Spice: "If he's not joking, of course"
 * 37) WTF in Chief Donald Trump warns republicans that by repealing Obamacare they are "putting themselves in a very bad position"
 * 38) Refined Gentleman that he is, President Trump lets it be known via the Twitter machine that he is distempered, nay, downright appalled, at the rudeness and lack of civility the uncouth media is displaying towards his designated liars
 * 39) President Trump: brought to you by the same people who unleashed knock-off fart apps on the world
 * 40) Homophobic pastor Wayne Allyn Root says Donald Trump is "like a wife who makes passionate love to you every day, seven days a week." Even on the Sabbath
 * 41) Headline: "Donald Trump is more normal than you think"
 * 42) LIberals, don't get too comfy up there sipping your lattes on your high chairs, turns out women who supported Trump think he's doing a terrific job, and is keeping all his promises, including, draining the swamp and such
 * 43) Trump's agenda hinges on the fate of Trumpscare
 * 44) Isn't it time we normalize President Trump? If it can even be done
 * 45) Trump's response when Fox News' Tucker Carlson confronts him on the devastating impact repealing Obamacare will have on those who voted for him: "Oh, I know"
 * 46) LA Times says that while Al Gore had an inconvenient truth, Donald Trump has inconvenient realities
 * 47) Cognitive dissonance sadly not covered by the ACA. Thanks, Obama
 * 48) White House: All VA Hospitals directed to put up portraits of cheetos
 * 49) Trump claims he is holding a big meeting on how to overhaul the VA at Mar-a-Lago because it was "the most convenient place" and "everybody wanted to go there". Also, Donald? Stop trying to make "The Southern White House" happen. It's embarrassing
 * 50) This weekend, you paid Trump the approximate cost of 500,000 Meals on Wheels for a "Veterans Affairs meeting" in Mar-a-Lago. Only it seems he forgot to bring the VA secretary. Or even to schedule the meeting
 * 51) Breitbart wants Trump to go full Andrew Jackson and ignore the courts and their verdicts, because that's what you do in a Democracy
 * 52) Trump treats his staff as horribly as he treats everyone else. Film at 11
 * 53) Trump insults about her on the campaign trail are gonna make his meeting with Angela Merkel more awkward than that Thanksgiving where Uncle Cleetus "came out" and admitted to his turkey fetish
 * 54) Trump voters think it's OK for Trump to commit treason because Hillary would have been worse. So there ya have it kids, out of their own mouths and in their own words: Trumpers support treason

I Know Words, I Have The Best Words

 * 1) Looks like Trump is right, News coverage of him is really, really negative. Even on Fox News. To be fair, there are only so many positive ways one can cover a turd
 * 2) The bad poetry of Donald Trump
 * 3) Wait until he finds out that the Ku Klux Klan was founded by Democrats

There's Nobody's Bigger Or Better At The Military Than I Am

 * 1) The buck stops at General Votel
 * 2) Thanks to Trump, the CIA can conduct drone strikes in secret
 * 3) Trump to send 1000 troops to Syria because you can't win wars if you don't fight them
 * 4) The U.S. may have just bombed a mosque in Aleppo during evening prayers. Dozens dead
 * 5) Trump's bold, grand plan for the US Navy lacks one key element: Funding to pay for the skilled workers needed to build said fleet. Also, the skilled workers are nowhere to be found
 * 6) Russia's hostile actions may be due to them panicking over our latest nuclear missiles, which for the first time in history make a preemptive nuclear attack possible. It's a good thing we have someone in charge who won't-oh, god, we're all screwed
 * 7) White House: All VA Hospitals directed to put up portraits of cheetos

I Like The Fact That You All Voted For Me

 * 1) Military unit that flew a Trump flag during a convoy did so because their commander thought it would be okay because he won the election
 * 2) White House: All VA Hospitals directed to put up portraits of cheetos
 * 3) Trump claims he is holding a big meeting on how to overhaul the VA at Mar-a-Lago because it was "the most convenient place" and "everybody wanted to go there". Also, Donald? Stop trying to make "The Southern White House" happen. It's embarrassing
 * 4) This weekend, you paid Trump the approximate cost of 500,000 Meals on Wheels for a "Veterans Affairs meeting" in Mar-a-Lago. Only it seems he forgot to bring the VA secretary. Or even to schedule the meeting

I Have A Very Good Brain
My primary consultant is myself


 * 1) Trump Administration to boycott UN council over anti-Israel agenda, because the best way to stop something you don't like is to prevent yourself from voting to stop it
 * 2) Tillerson to skip parent-teacher conference in lieu of hanging out with his best friend during school hours
 * 3) Russian intelligence asset accepts invitation to attend NATO meeting

Make America Great Again

 * 1) POUTS show how he deals with women leaders by refusing to shake Merkel's hand at photo op - or even look at her
 * 2) Trump makes hilarious wiretap joke with Merkel to which Merkel responded, I don't understand, I was actually wiretapped while you just made it up. So, how is that funny?
 * 3) Breitbart wants Trump to go full Andrew Jackson and ignore the courts and their verdicts, because that's what you do in a Democracy
 * 4) Trump treats his staff as horribly as he treats everyone else. Film at 11
 * 5) Trump insults about her on the campaign trail are gonna make his meeting with Angela Merkel more awkward than that Thanksgiving where Uncle Cleetus "came out" and admitted to his turkey fetish
 * 6) German broadcaster rescues Trump from Handshakegate
 * 7) For SOME reason the US government isn't responding to Ukraine's requests to interview Paul Manafort in connection to a corruption investigation. Gee, I wonder why that is?
 * 8) In today's issue of "Gee, You Don't Say," The Trump White House backs off stock market boasts as Dow, Nasdaq plummet
 * 9) The breakthrough of the 2016 election lies in the fact that the religious right, in its support for a thrice-married, self-confessed sexual predator, finally dispensed with the fiction that it was concerned about abortion or 'family values'

We Had A Massive Landslide Victory

 * 1) Lots of people showed up for "March 4 Trump" rallies across the country, if you count maybe 150 people total as a lot of people

I Won The Popular Vote
if you deduct the millions of people who voted illegally
 * 1) New poll suggests the Democratic Party is less popular than Trump and Pence. Dealer showing 10, DNC seen doubling down
 * 2) Another day, another GOP survey. You would think that if they wanted to get feedback from voters, they would hold townhalls or something
 * 3) New overnight poll puts Donald Trump's approval rate at 46%. Which is exactly the same percentage who show no concern about health care, the environment, the economy, race relations, labor issues, foreign policy
 * 4) Politics 101 - Even the most loyal supporters get turned off by a politician who orders a $54 steak well done and then puts ketchup on it
 * 5) So it turns out that more people voted in the 1026 Presidential election, than did when President Obama was reelected in 2012
 * 6) Trump has toned down his voter fraud accusations, and for some reason Congressional Republicans appear relieved about it
 * 7) It's almost as if rolling out a total loser of a healthcare plan and a cruel, heartless budget of pure evil, all while maintaining the lie that he was wiretapped by Obama, has affected his approval rating
 * 8) A majority of young people believe Trump's presidency to be illegitimate, that they were simply powerless to stop it because they were so busy shooting their marijuanas on election day
 * 9) Fake news delivers new fake polling numbers for Trump showing only 37% approve of his job performance and a fake 58% of fakers disapprove of his job performance
 * 10) Meanwhile at Rasmussen, the Czar's approval rating remains at 50%

I Think [Putin Has] Done Really A Great Job Of Outsmarting Our Country

 * 1) It's not every day you get to see Russians run away in panic
 * 2) Trump hotel in Azerbaijan was a front for the Iranian Revolutionary Guard
 * 3) Why did Trump reverse his mandate to use U.S. steel in the Keystone XL pipeline? Nobody knows, but a Russian oligarch with close ties to Putin stands to make a bunch of money from it. Fancy that
 * 4) By acting like a paranoid crybaby, Donald Trump has inadvertently destroyed the narrative that Russia hacked our presidential election
 * 5) Russia to Americans: Calm down sweetheart, you're just being hysterical. Your craziness is hurting our relationship
 * 6) Sergey Kislyak
 * 7) They've placed enough sonar buoys so that a man could walk from Scotland to Iceland to Greenland without getting his feet wet
 * 8) That time when candidate Trump met with the Russian Ambassador and then lied about it
 * 9) Fmr. NSA analyst: Intel sources say White House 'targeting journalists' with 'help from Russian intel' - Nothing to see here, move along comrade
 * 10) RT formerly Russia Today, Russian international television network funded by the Russian government
 * 11) How Russia weaponizes fake news. And no, it doesn't involve dropping Steve Bannon on you from a MiG-29
 * 12) Sputnik a news agency, consisting of websites, radio broadcast service (among others) established by the Russian government-controlled news agency Rossiya Segodnya
 * 13) How Russia weaponizes fake news. And no, it doesn't involve dropping Steve Bannon on you from a MiG-29
 * 14) Dmitry Rybolovlev
 * 15) Hey, here's a question: Why has a Russian oligarch known as "The Fertilizer King" been following Trump around the country? Is it for the steady supply of cheap and plentiful bullshiat? Or is it something more sinister...?
 * 16) Trump claims that he has never met a man who paid him $95 million. Which I totally understand, I've never met a man who'd pay me $95 million either
 * 17) Russian oligarch who purchased Trump's Palm Beach mansion for way above market price, admits his plane and Trump's shared a tarmac in North Carolina days before the election, but totally did not meet or anything, trust him
 * 18) Russian Spies
 * 19) Russian spies offer to help tech companies overcome American spies
 * 20) Konstantin Kilimnik
 * 21) Paul Manafort's protégé? Russian collaborator
 * 22) White House spokesperson: Trump doesn't know a damn thing
 * 23) All of Trump's ties to Russia laid out in one easy char- Really? Seven? We need THAT Many? OK, fine: All of Trump's ties to Russia laid out in SEVEN, actually fairly complicated charts
 * 24) Dmitry Peskov Vladimir Putin's press secretary
 * 25) All power to deflector shields
 * 26) Russian parliament to investigate interference in the country's politics by U.S. media. That's the joke
 * 27) Kellyanne's husband picked to lead the civil division of the DOJ. Fun fact that certainly won't come back to haunt him? He was part of the legal team for Paula Jones that established you can sue sitting U.S. presidents
 * 28) Trump: Russia story is 'FAKE NEWS and everyone knows it'
 * 29) "Is Russiagate just a conspiracy theory?" If the headline ends in a question
 * 30) For all their denunciations of 'fake news,' the Trump administration has become a leading purveyor of it, and most of that seems to come to them via Moscow
 * 31) Tillerson to skip parent-teacher conference in lieu of hanging out with his best friend during school hours
 * 32) You know all those "BernieBros"? Turns out some were probably paid Russian agents, not that there are any here on Fark, of course
 * 33) Oleg Deripaska Russian aluminum magnate, close Putin ally
 * 34) Paul Manafort Drafted a Plan in 2005 to Influence American and European Politics for Putin's Benefit, which incidentally is how we ended up with Trump as President
 * 35) Trump: Manawho? Never heard of him
 * 36) A lot of smoke so far, here's some actual fire: US officials say Trump campaign coordinated with the Russians

I Will Tell You This, Russia: If You’re Listening ...

 * 1) For no reason whatsoever, Russian hackers are now targeting liberal groups, with the aim of extorting money from them to withhold damaging or embarrassing info they may find by hacking their e-mails
 * 2) How the Russian hacks of the DNC were found
 * 3) Headline: "DHS head: Trump has 'convincing' wiretap proof". Story: DHS head, who apparently was in a coma for the last year, says that since Trump made that claim, he MUST have some pretty good evidence; he wouldn't just make something like that up
 * 4) Not only is the source of Trump being tapped being hacked, but now maybe she's being tapped or attacked for revealing that Russians hackers planted false Hillary mail on Weiner's laptop.Or something. It's not all that clear what's going on. Go figure
 * 5) Wikileaks is publishing all of Donald's secrets. Wait, it's only 1000s of CIA documents? That's not the same thing? But he's the President. Damn you Obama
 * 6) So the CIA stole Russian hacking software to make it look like the Russians were hacking people when it was really the CIA. So was the CIA the real DNC email hacker?
 * 7) There's only one common theme in the WikiLeaks and Snowden scandal: Russia always stands to gain
 * 8) Paul Manafort's protégé? Russian collaborator
 * 9) White House finally responds to growing questions about Wikileaks CIA dump, Trump's wiretap accusation and connections to Russia...by canceling all press events
 * 10) Apparently Republicans have become Russia's b*tches
 * 11) But all of that aside, 'satanic child murdering cabal' sounds like an awesome name for a punk rock band

The Beauty Of Me Is That I’m Very Rich

 * 1) White House releases tax info before Maddow's show, then Trump gets on the Twitter and calls it fake. WTF is this guy's problem?
 * 2) Donald Trump Jr. goes on Twitter rant about fake news after Rachel Maddow unveiled his father's very real tax returns
 * 3) Trump attorney challenges Scarborough to prove Trump team is behind tax leak, because proof is something everyone else has to provide
 * 4) And the biggest revelation from President Trump's leaked tax return? He will benefit more than anyone else with his proposed tax plan
 * 5) Yesterday on MSNBC Rachel Maddow was Charlie Brown to Donald Trump's Lucy holding the football
 * 6) David Cay Johnston leaked Trump's 2005 tax returns
 * 7) "I know we at MSNBC done goofed. But hey, its real, so at least we got that going for us"
 * 8) Forbes Magazine says Donald Trump's net worth has dropped by $1 billion over the past year. Trump says no problem, I'll just take trips to Mar-a-Lago twice every week and start holding state dinners there

Trust Me. I’m Like A Smart Person

 * 1) Evil liberal leftist enemy of democracy CNN continues to destroy America by praising Donald Trump for using the power of his spoken words to single-handedly send the DJIA soaring 200 points to over 21,000
 * 2) You may be wondering why Elon Musk has been cozying up to the Trump administration. And the new Tesla facilities in Russia is just a coincidence
 * 3) We're paying for this new travel ban by cutting coastal and air security. I'm sure this makes sense to someone, but that someone shouldn't be anywhere near the reins of power
 * 4) Media reports that Trump is meeting with former rivals in a "charm offensive." Minus the charm
 * 5) Trump signs executive order asking every department "just what do they do around here?"
 * 6) Today we learn how the revolving door between the government and Amazon.com use your tax dollars, make Bezos a happy guy
 * 7) Trump is planning on cutting the NWS, EPA, Medicare and Medicaid, but you can bet your tax dollars he's going back to Mar-a-Lago this weekend
 * 8) Shortly after a Chinese government-connected corporation brokered a NYC real estate deal that netted Jared Kushner $400 million because of its ridiculously favorable terms, the head of Chinese Intelligence front buys a $15 mil condo in Trump Towers
 * 9) Trump's first budget proposal: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD, SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE
 * 10) We now have our first federal budget from Trump, and the best way to summarize it is "If it's not related to killing brown people, get rid of it. Also, we're paying for the wall"
 * 11) Trump's budget cuts all funding for climate change research. Every. Last. Penny
 * 12) Mulvaney: "We can't ask a coal miner to pay for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting." This story brought to you by the letters 'W,' 'T' and 'F'
 * 13) Trump's NASA budget includes Mars mission and little else. Budget for movie The Martian was bigger
 * 14) "What America would look like under the Trump budget" wrote someone who apparently can't accept that Trump is President and his party controls everything
 * 15) Trump plan to cut foreign aid comes just as the threat of famine is surging in various places around the world, fomenting unrest and destabilizing regions the US is trying to stabilize to prevent ISIS from making inroads
 * 16) President Trump's budget would turn the US into a heavily-guarded shiatpile
 * 17) Trump claims he is holding a big meeting on how to overhaul the VA at Mar-a-Lago because it was "the most convenient place" and "everybody wanted to go there". Also, Donald? Stop trying to make "The Southern White House" happen. It's embarrassing
 * 18) This weekend, you paid Trump the approximate cost of 500,000 Meals on Wheels for a "Veterans Affairs meeting" in Mar-a-Lago. Only it seems he forgot to bring the VA secretary. Or even to schedule the meeting
 * 19) Trump still doesn't understand how NATO works
 * 20) Trump threatens Republicans to support TrumpCare or lose their seats. Or possibly grab them by it, one of the two
 * 21) Trump threatens Republicans to support TrumpCare or lose their seats. Or possibly grab them by it, one of the two
 * 22) Bullshiat Spice: Come on guys, obviously the President was having some fun with recalcitrant GOP members who refuse to back Health Care bill, he wasn't actually threatening them...no, really. Trust him
 * 23) Lockheed Martin CEO says that Trump made the F-35 great again with just a single phone call

I Am Fortunate To Have Been Blessed With Great Genes

 * 1) Are you ready to hear the V.O.I.C.E. of America?
 * 2) Why Trump's VOICE program is drawing comparisons to Nazis. TL;DR: It's literally a Nazi policy
 * 3) I'm a Jewish American who worked with Steve Bannon. He is not a racist or an anti-Semite
 * 4) GOP congressman says holding town halls is like being yelled at in a ritual "that the Orientals used to do"
 * 5) Guys, it's not a Muslim ban. We know this because Trump told us. Please don't look at his own website telling us how he wants "a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States"
 * 6) Ben Carson: Slaves were immigrants who dreamed of a better life
 * 7) Something is straining the relationship between President Trump and President Obama. They used to be BFFs; I'm not sure what happened
 * 8) Cancer patient calls bullshiat on Samantha Bee's 'half-apology'
 * 9) House okays using taxpayer money for Islamic schools
 * 10) Trump: "My new and improved travel ban is flawless, see you in court liberotardos" Lawyers and judges: "You are really bad at this"
 * 11) Trump supporters protest... Anti-Nazi Resistance Radio commercial for "The Man in the High Castle". Yes, Really
 * 12) Republicans tell Steve King that he's being a little too obvious with the dog megaphone
 * 13) NOT NEWS: Punch-magnet white supremacist shames welfare. NEWS: Wearing bootstraps funded by millions in government subsidies. FARK: Paid to his family-owned cotton farm in Louisiana
 * 14) Trump takes personal credit and brags about increasing unemployment in African American males
 * 15) How Farking idiotic are Trump supporters? They chant Build the Wall while vacationing in Mexico. They may want to check out Snopes for the vacation pics story
 * 16) Georgia nonprofit was duped into unwittingly giving white supremacist Richard Spencer $25,000 after an anonymous donor gifted them the money with specific instructions

Obama Had My "Wires Tapped"

 * 1) "You know, Mr. President, the Russia stuff is heating up pretty badly. We need something to distract the media. How about...um...I dunno...maybe Obama tapped your phones? Think anyone would believe that?"
 * 2) President Trump has decided to use the power of his office to expose the potential duplicity and unscrupulous behavior of the Obama Administration in the wiretapping of his campaign
 * 3) Mark Levin: "There is overwhelming evidence the Obama administration wiretapped Trump before Trump was sworn in as president, and Democrats are trying to cover that up" Press: "What evidence?" Mark Levin: "OVERWHELMING evidence"
 * 4) Donald Trump: "ZOMG all these people are doing McCarthyism at me, this is evil". President Bannon: "McCarthy was a genius whose only fault was not going far enough"
 * 5) May we present: Trump's proof of the wire tapp. And you know he'd tapp that
 * 6) Trump again says he was wiretapped as long as you include people listening to people in any situation as wiretapping
 * 7) "Nobody ever talks about the fact that [the words 'wires tapped' was in quotes [in the tweet], but that's a very important thing"]
 * 8) "Yikes My microwave is watching me...defrost the chicken." Kellyanne Conway sheds light on how our household appliances know everything we do
 * 9) The failing, rigged, fake New York Times article used the word wiretap which makes me smart
 * 10) It's official: Obama did not tap that Ass
 * 11) Is the president "wrong" when he says that "wiretapping" means both "wiretapping" and "not wiretapping"? It depends on what your definition of "is" is
 * 12) Enjoy Sean Spicer's latest Melissa McCarthy impersonation
 * 13) David Cameron jokes that a main perk of no longer being British Prime Minister is that he doesn't have to listen to Donald Trump's wiretapped conversations any more, proving British brand of Conservative Humour is as weak as its American cousin
 * 14) Monday's hearing "debunked" Trump's wiretapping tweets, but left his underlying claim intact: that there was surveillance of the Trump campaign; that the results were shared throughout the government - even possibly reaching the Obama White House
 * 15) So, it turns out the FBI really DID have a wiretap at Trump Tower to spy on Russians, but it was from 2011-2013, and its target was the Russian mobsters running a massive money laundering operation out of their apartment there
 * 16) Whether it's residents in his Trump-branded buildings, or his business associates or investors in his projects, Trump is tied up with not just Russians, but in many cases Russians tied to the criminal underworld and money laundering
 * 17) The internet is forever, and things you post can come back to haunt you later. Isn't that right, Mrs. Kellyanne "Ha, ha, you're being investigated by the FBI" Conway?
 * 18) People close to the president say Mr. Trump's Twitter torrent had less to do with fact, strategy or tactic than a sense of persecution bordering on faith: He simply believes that he was bugged in some way, by someone
 * 19) Rep. Nunes claims that Trump people were picked up on FBI wiretaps of Russians, which means, technically, Obama wiretapped the Trump campaign, which is the best kind of wiretapping
 * 20) Rep. Nunes thought he was putting out the Trump Tweet Tapp fire. Only he reached for gasoline instead of water
 * 21) Trump feels "somewhat vindicated" about his "wire tapping" allegations. "Somewhat vindicated" is in quotes meaning not actually vindicated at all

We Love ‘The Art Of The Deal’
but the Bible is far, far superior
 * 1) God is shielding Trump from witchcraft and sorcery. basically Jeff Sessions is now reactor shielding. so he's got that going for him. which is nice
 * 2) The breakthrough of the 2016 election lies in the fact that the religious right, in its support for a thrice-married, self-confessed sexual predator, finally dispensed with the fiction that it was concerned about abortion or 'family values'

People Who Are Following Me Are Very Passionate

 * 1) Nothing like a sitting president threatening a bloodbath if his health care bill doesn't pass
 * 2) While you libs are getting your panties in a wad, real Americans like xenophobes, Pizza-gaters, and middle-school Aryans are rallying for our president and calling for liberal genocide
 * 3) Paul Manafort's daughter sends out text message bragging about the people her father had killed
 * 4) Step 1: Steal car. Step 2: Drive to White House. Step 3: Declare there is a bomb in your car at a Secret Service checkpoint. Step 4: Get featured on Fark
 * 5) Trump threatens Republicans to support TrumpCare or lose their seats. Or possibly grab them by it, one of the two
 * 6) Bullshiat Spice: Come on guys, obviously the President was having some fun with recalcitrant GOP members who refuse to back Health Care bill, he wasn't actually threatening them...no, really. Trust him
 * 7) What's it like to have Trump grab you by the pussy?
 * 8) "If they vote against [Trumpcare they could face the wrath of a vengeful and combative president. If they vote for it, they risk retribution from the Koch [bros.] and other powerful right-wing players whose money can be pivotal in re-election races"]

There Was Blood Coming Out Of Her Eyes. Blood Coming Out Of Her—Wherever

 * 1) President Trump misses fantastic opportunity to stay logged out of his Twitter account and keep his mouth shut on International Women's Day
 * 2) As their Obamacare replacement cuts off funds for Planned Parenthood, Republicans want to reassure women that other clinics will step up to provide their low-cost breast exams, contraception and cancer screenings. Let's see how that worked in TX
 * 3) LIberals, don't get too comfy up there sipping your lattes on your high chairs, turns out women who supported Trump think he's doing a terrific job, and is keeping all his promises, including, draining the swamp and such
 * 4) POUTS show how he deals with women leaders by refusing to shake Merkel's hand at photo op - or even look at her
 * 5) Trump makes hilarious wiretap joke with Merkel to which Merkel responded, I don't understand, I was actually wiretapped while you just made it up. So, how is that funny?

I Will Be The Greatest Jobs President
that God ever created
 * 1) Trump recession begins as jobless claims surge by 20,000
 * 2) Candidate Trump: Jobs report is a lie, fails to account for huge number of unemployed. Sad. President Trump: Would you look at that Jobs report? Shows America is once again Great Again
 * 3) Trump on job reports before election: They're totally phony. Trump on job report today: "[it may have been phony in the past, but it's very real now." And yes, that's a real quote]
 * 4) The gun industry is now realizing: be careful what you wish for
 * 5) Trump helps coal workers in Ohio by forcing two plants to close with his lack of economic vision

[Drumpf] Unequivocally, Will Be The Healthiest Individual Ever Elected To The Presidency

 * 1) Remember back when Republicans were concerned about the president taking too many vacations? Good times, those were....GOOOOD times
 * 2) Johnny Smith apprehended; President Stillson safe
 * 3) Trump is planning on cutting the NWS, EPA, Medicare and Medicaid, but you can bet your tax dollars he's going back to Mar-a-Lago this weekend
 * 4) Even the Daily Caller is calling out Trump: Remember when you used to be against a President spending time in the golf course? We do
 * 5) Your SpicerFact for 3/20/17: Trump golfing is better than Obama golfing because Trump uses golf to solve the world's problems

We See A Lot Of Money Pouring In From Russia

 * 1) The liberal boycott of Ivanka's clothing line was an outstanding success; best performing weeks in the history of the brand
 * 2) What's that, oh it's nothing, just Jared Kushner's family making $400 million because a huge Chinese company is buying one of their buildings at a wildly inflated price on terms ridiculously favorable to the Kushners, nothing to see here, move along
 * 3) Ivanka celebrates holiday where Jews hung liar who tried to have them killed. Steve Bannon said to be uncomfortable with the idea
 * 4) Shortly after a Chinese government-connected corporation brokered a NYC real estate deal that netted Jared Kushner $400 million because of its ridiculously favorable terms, the head of Chinese Intelligence front buys a $15 mil condo in Trump Towers
 * 5) Eric and Donald Jr. run daddy's businesses and are continually Tweeting about his policies while trying desperately not to violate various ethics laws. More than they already have
 * 6) Donald Trump Jr. takes to Twitter to insult the Mayor of London over terrorist attack. I'm beginning to think there's a nature, not nurture thing going on here
 * 7) Don Trump Jr praised Jimmy Fallon for not being "vicious and pushing a political agenda like everyone else on TV." Wait, who does that?

=Faithful=

I Love The Poorly Educated
To see all the ways Drumpf supporters are stupid and how they got that way, please click here

Ministry of Misinformation
To view Fark threads featuring the misinformation purveyors who keep the poorly educated infromed, please click here

TrumpCare
World's Greatest Healthcare Plan of 2017
 * 1) World's Greatest Healthcare Plan of 2017. No, really, that`s what it's actually called
 * 2) President Trump: Our wonderful new Healthcare Bill is now out for review and negotiation. Kellyanne Conway: TrumpCare? Oh, hell to the no
 * 3) The big Trumpcare question: "Can I keep my doctor?" HA HA HA HA HA. NO
 * 4) The Uber-conservative National Review "If you want to see political malpractice in action, you don't have to read Donald Trump's latest tweet - just look at the mess Republicans have made of replacing Obamacare"
 * 5) Trump tries, fails to be Presidential. This is not a repeat from every hour of every day for the past 47 days
 * 6) President Trump (R) in January:"There will be health insurance for everybody. Much less expensive than Obamacare and much better." White House Budget Director Mulvaney (R) in March:"Insurance for ordinary people is not really the end goal"
 * 7) Breitbart, Steve Bannon's own personal public relations arm, thinks the GOP's ACA replacement is terrible
 * 8) Everyone can relax now, the GOP is not replacing Obamacare completely, just the parts that actually work
 * 9) GOP ObamaCare replacement at least has a critical tax break for corporate executives struggling to pay their bribes to lobbyists
 * 10) When Republicans are unable to come together and get their own healthcare reform passed, Trump has a simple solution lined up: Blame the Democrats
 * 11) For some reason Paul Ryan is acting like your boring poli sci teacher explaining obamacare repeal
 * 12) "Tehran Tom" Cotton wants a do-over on Trumpcare
 * 13) Man: "I've yet to read anything positive about this healthcare bill". Woman: "Try going 2 a conservative source and open up your reading habits". Man: "I'm the editor of National Review Online"
 * 14) Much like the average Farker trying to give up drinking, Republicans are finding it hard to give up obstructionism after their 8 year long addiction
 * 15) Trump's agenda hinges on the fate of Trumpscare
 * 16) Trump's response when Fox News' Tucker Carlson confronts him on the devastating impact repealing Obamacare will have on those who voted for him: "Oh, I know"
 * 17) Cognitive dissonance sadly not covered by the ACA. Thanks, Obama
 * 18) 1) Don't get sick. 2) If you do get sick, die quickly
 * 19) With his so-called healthcare bill imploding, Paul Ryan does the only thing he can do - schedule a final vote on it for next week
 * 20) HHS Sec. Tom Price says that benchmark for healthcare should be care, not insurance coverage. Aight we can all agree on that? Now let's hear how Trump/GOP plans to provide said care... oh laissez-faire mmmkay that worked magnificently the last time
 * 21) Tom Price tells CNN that Trump's promise of universal health coverage is right behind the ACA repeal and passage of the Blood God Budget. The specifics are secret. Trust him
 * 22) Ryan goes all in on Don'tCare
 * 23) Rand Paul predicts that Trumpcare will pass, fail completely, and only then after the complete collapse of the healthcare system will any real negotiations towards healthcare reform begin
 * 24) Trump threatens Republicans to support TrumpCare or lose their seats. Or possibly grab them by it, one of the two
 * 25) Bullshiat Spice: Come on guys, obviously the President was having some fun with recalcitrant GOP members who refuse to back Health Care bill, he wasn't actually threatening them...no, really. Trust him
 * 26) What's it like to have Trump grab you by the pussy?
 * 27) "If they vote against [Trumpcare they could face the wrath of a vengeful and combative president. If they vote for it, they risk retribution from the Koch [bros.] and other powerful right-wing players whose money can be pivotal in re-election races"]
 * 28) Republican Senator thinks that maybe, possibly, Republican voters might get mad at them for passing a bill that doesn't do anything remotely close to what they've been promising for 7 years
 * 29) 2009 GOP: Democrats adding incentives to the ACA bill in exchange for votes is pure evil. 2017 GOP: Hey NY delegation, what'll it take to buy your votes for our bill?
 * 30) GOP: We can't vote for Trumpcare. It's terrible. Trump: What if we fix it so states can require Medicaid recipients to work to get Medicaid? GOP: ...Go on

It's Totes Okay When We Do It

 * 1) File this under "It's totes okay when we do it"
 * 2) Donald Trump: "We will follow two simple rules: buy American and hire American." Ivanka: What do you mean we?
 * 3) Even the Daily Caller is calling out Trump: Remember when you used to be against a President spending time in the golf course? We do

If You Don’t Tell People About Your Success
they probably won’t know about it


 * 1) A closer look at the disgraceful media response to Trump's "Presidential" racism
 * 2) Foxnews: Full Power to Deflector Shields
 * 3) Sessions was not technically asked if anyone in the Trump campaign talked with the Russians, only what he would do if they had. Therefore it was not perjury when he said no one had communicated with them
 * 4) Claire McCaskill: Jeff Sessions should resign because as a senator he once talked to the Russian Ambassador...you know just like me and every one of my hypocrite DNC colleagues on the Senate Armed Services Committee
 * 5) Fox News CEO is a little concerned about all the fake news they are creating. How concerned? Fake fake concerned
 * 6) Pretty much "Alt" anything is a problem. Don't even get me started on the alt-center
 * 7) Mark Levin knows what's up. It's not the possible collusion between Trump and the Russians we should we worried about, it's the fact that President Obama used his power in office to spy on Trump with a view to undermine his Presidency
 * 8) Breitbart mocks globalist WSJ for suggesting it could support Trump if only he got rid of Steve Bannon and Steve Miller
 * 9) Breitbart: Yo WaPo, while Trump's proposal to publish a list of immigrant crimes and their victims does have Nazi overtones, the big difference is that Hitler did it against loyal, legal, law abiding German Jews, not illegal criminals. So, checkmate

I'll Choose The Best People For My Administration

 * 1) White House press release contains a paragraph copied verbatim from an Exxon press release. If everything in The Swamp™ is killed by an oil spill, maybe that still counts?
 * 2) Are you a legal immigrant? Do you already hold a green card? Well, according to The Chief White House Strategist, and member of the National Security Council, "Legal immigration is the 'real' problem"
 * 3) Refined Gentleman that he is, President Trump lets it be known via the Twitter machine that he is distempered, nay, downright appalled, at the rudeness and lack of civility the uncouth media is displaying towards his designated liars

Overzealous Staffer(s)

 * 1) White House claims that Trump's allegations that Obama tapped his phones is evidence of wrongdoing even if it turns out to be false
 * 2) Sarcasm-illiterate (or actually illiterate) Trump press staffers include link to parody article skewering budget proposal in official daily briefing

Commissars

 * 1) While Trump had you chasing Russia stories, he quietly hired 400 lobbyists and members of the far-right media as "beachhead teams" to be his eyes and ears at every level of government
 * 2) Independent Journal Review founded by former Republican party staffers Alex Skatell and Phil Musser in 2012
 * 3) Tillerson is traveling Asia with only one journalist, totally not a right wing hack from the Independent Journal Review, founded by conservatives in 2012. So, expect some enlightening coverage from this genius

Steve Bannon
best, most helpful advisor
 * 1) Trump puppetmaster Steve Bannon is a fan of notorious French anti-semite philosopher, because of course he is

Ivanka Trump

 * 1) Donald Trump: "We will follow two simple rules: buy American and hire American." Ivanka: What do you mean we?

Jared Kushner

 * 1) What's that, oh it's nothing, just Jared Kushner's family making $400 million because a huge Chinese company is buying one of their buildings at a wildly inflated price on terms ridiculously favorable to the Kushners, nothing to see here, move along
 * 2) Shortly after a Chinese government-connected corporation brokered a NYC real estate deal that netted Jared Kushner $400 million because of its ridiculously favorable terms, the head of Chinese Intelligence front buys a $15 mil condo in Trump Towers

Donald Trump, Jr.
America's Uday
 * 1) Donald Trump Jr. goes on Twitter rant about fake news after Rachel Maddow unveiled his father's very real tax returns
 * 2) Donald Trump Jr. takes to Twitter to insult the Mayor of London over terrorist attack. I'm beginning to think there's a nature, not nurture thing going on here
 * 3) Don Trump Jr praised Jimmy Fallon for not being "vicious and pushing a political agenda like everyone else on TV." Wait, who does that?

Sean Spicer
White House Press Secretary
 * 1) Spicer will be live on video for his press conference today, this is apparently news as it is not a gaggle nor is it audio only as yesterday's press thing was
 * 2) Spicer: "Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone." Fox reporter: "No, he didn't" Spicer lackey: "There are multiple reports that Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone"
 * 3) Spicy talks about how the giant tax breaks for rich people and higher insurance premiums are good, OK? But you people keep writing your stories to make us look bad
 * 4) White House spokesperson: Trump doesn't know a damn thing
 * 5) Virtually the entire White House tweets about February's job stats, minutes after the official numbers are released. This is in direct violation of Statistical Policy Directive Number 3, which prohibits Federal employees from doing so
 * 6) WH: It's fine, just fine, nothing to see here. There are no investigations targeting the President, and if there were, we cannot comment on on-going investigations anyway. So there. Nailed it
 * 7) Spicer will finally reveal the wiretapping evidence against Obama- or implode. (Live at 1ish EST)
 * 8) Spicer Says: Trump wants the White House Press pool to decide where he donates his salary. I'm pretty sure they all read Fark so let's give them some suggestions
 * 9) NBC Reporter: "Can we trust that what the President says is real?" Bullshiat Spice: "If he's not joking, of course"
 * 10) Welcome to Politics 2017 - The Year of the Walk Back
 * 11) Sean Spicer seemed shocked to hear Jim Acosta say poor people existed; he just thought it was a myth like Star Wars or Hillary Clinton having people murdered
 * 12) Trump attorney challenges Scarborough to prove Trump team is behind tax leak, because proof is something everyone else has to provide
 * 13) Trump is planning on cutting the NWS, EPA, Medicare and Medicaid, but you can bet your tax dollars he's going back to Mar-a-Lago this weekend
 * 14) Enjoy Sean Spicer's latest Melissa McCarthy impersonation
 * 15) White House officially downgrades its apology to "an explanation"
 * 16) Sean Spicer is increasingly becoming like one of those robots in a logic puzzle: You can NEVER admit your Boss lies, But your Boss NEVER tells the Truth, and you have to explain what he really means
 * 17) Don Lemon summarizes Bullshiat Spice's latest word salad by comparing it to Billy Madison. Does he have a Fark handle?
 * 18) Spicer going out live at 1:30 for the "NO YOU" counterpunch against Comey on The Hill
 * 19) By order of Secretary Spicer, Paul Manafort is/was no longer the former Chairman of the Trump campaign but "Someone who played a very limited role for a very limited time". Please consign all non-conforming information to the nearest Memory Hole
 * 20) Your SpicerFact for 3/20/17: Trump golfing is better than Obama golfing because Trump uses golf to solve the world's problems
 * 21) So, will Spicer manage to spin so much he corkscrews into the bedrock? It's the daily White House press briefing - live at 2:15ish EDT
 * 22) Bullshiat Spice: Come on guys, obviously the President was having some fun with recalcitrant GOP members who refuse to back Health Care bill, he wasn't actually threatening them...no, really. Trust him
 * 23) Will Spiceweasel throw Paul under the bus? Will Sean create an alternate reality where Trump is a Democrat so therefore the Democrats are working with Russia? Better man a fort, THIS is your Sean Spiceweasel's daily press briefing. (starts 1:30ET)
 * 24) Trump: Manawho? Never heard of him

Kellyanne Conway
Counselor to the President
 * 1) Kellyanne Conway to be suspended without pay for plugging Ivanka's clothing line and if you believed that for even a moment you really haven't been paying attention
 * 2) President Trump: Our wonderful new Healthcare Bill is now out for review and negotiation. Kellyanne Conway: TrumpCare? Oh, hell to the no
 * 3) The big Trumpcare question: "Can I keep my doctor?" HA HA HA HA HA. NO
 * 4) The Uber-conservative National Review "If you want to see political malpractice in action, you don't have to read Donald Trump's latest tweet - just look at the mess Republicans have made of replacing Obamacare"
 * 5) Trump tries, fails to be Presidential. This is not a repeat from every hour of every day for the past 47 days
 * 6) Human-pug hybrid Kellyanne Conway pulls another alternative fact out of her rectum, says the Trump campaign was monitored in other ways
 * 7) Small appliance expert Kellyanne Conway says she's not sure what was used to spy on Trump campaign, because she's "not inspector Gadget." Yes, that was a quote
 * 8) What's surrounded by fur and has a foul wind blowing out of its hole?
 * 9) Alternative Facts v2.0 is live. I'm pissed because there are no new features, just word-play tweaks and balancing. Definitely not buying the expansion when it comes out
 * 10) Kellyanne's husband picked to lead the civil division of the DOJ. Fun fact that certainly won't come back to haunt him? He was part of the legal team for Paula Jones that established you can sue sitting U.S. presidents
 * 11) Mike Pence to get "World's 2nd Best Boss" mug
 * 12) KellyAnne Conway: Donald Trump doesn't know who Carter Page is

Sarah Huckabee Sanders
Deputy White House spokesmodel
 * 1) Spicer: "Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone." Fox reporter: "No, he didn't" Spicer lackey: "There are multiple reports that Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone"

Mike Pence
"Vice" President
 * 1) File this under "It's totes okay when we do it" (See also: It's Totes Okay When We Do It)
 * 2) Mike Pence says there's no comparison to Clinton on his private email use, as he's a Republican with a penis
 * 3) Vice President Mike Pence demands apology from media for publishing his wife's private email address... which became a matter of public record because Mike Pence used his private email account to conduct government business
 * 4) Reporter: "Mr. Pence, do you believe Trump's claim about Obama wiretapping him, yes or no?" VP Pence: "EVASIVE MANEUVERS, EVASIVE MANEUVERS. ALL POWER TO PORT THRUSTERS AND TRANSFER ALL POWER TO DEFLECTOR SHIELDS"
 * 5) Mike Pence to get "World's 2nd Best Boss" mug

Roger Stone
''Top. Advisor.''
 * 1) Top level Publican fixer, Roger Stone, only had "banal" chats with Guccifer 2.0, the Russian hacker elite. They discussed the weather and Knicks prospects. Yeah, and Subby is just using the giggity tag because there is no Patriot tag
 * 2) Adorable Trump operative Roger Stone thinks he's important enough to be targeted for assassination

Michael Cohen
President's personal lawyer
 * 1) Trump attorney challenges Scarborough to prove Trump team is behind tax leak, because proof is something everyone else has to provide

Reince Priebus
Chief of Staff
 * 1) It's always a good sign when your boss starts telling reporters what your next job could be

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III
Attorney General
 * 1) AG Sessions to hold press conference at 4pm Eastern, presumably to tell us that he did not have relations with that country. Or that he did. Either way, grab the popcorn, and here we go, again
 * 2) The media is targeting Jeff Sessions because he uncovered the ultra-secret Department of Justice slush fund that Obama and his predecessors used to keep the media in line
 * 3) Sessions was not technically asked if anyone in the Trump campaign talked with the Russians, only what he would do if they had. Therefore it was not perjury when he said no one had communicated with them
 * 4) AG Sessions: "Khorosho, ya sdelayu vse, chto vozmozhno, chtoby vosstanovit' nezavisimost' i professionalizm Ministerstva yustitsii"
 * 5) In what is surely pure coincidence, AG Sessions has followed up last week's memo rescinding the federal policy ending the use of private for-profit prisons, with one suggesting he wants prosecutors to again seek maximum sentences for drug offenses
 * 6) The purge continues: On a Friday afternoon, Sessions asks for resignation of 46 U.S. attorneys
 * 7) U.S. Attorney Bharara to President Trump: "I won't resign. I want your Keebler Elf to fire me" UPDATE: Elf obliged
 * 8) There are indications that Jeff Sessions did not know his own attorneys were about to be fired
 * 9) Gov. Chris Christie victim blames all the recently fired U.S. attorneys. "They received notice that they were leaving office. That notice was given to them by the people of the country on November 8, when they elected a Republican president"
 * 10) Trump's prosecutorial purge will harm the GOP in the long run
 * 11) AG Jeff Sessions: "We have too much tolerance for marijuana use. We need to say, as Nancy Reagan said, 'Just say no.'" He then knocked back three fingers of bourbon and took a long, satisfying drag from an unfiltered Camel
 * 12) “Memorandum for all Federal Prosecutors”
 * 13) Hold onto your pensions: The Jeff Sessions DoJ is doing everything it can to enable white-collar crime

Department of Justice

 * 1) WH: It's fine, just fine, nothing to see here. There are no investigations targeting the President, and if there were, we cannot comment on on-going investigations anyway. So there. Nailed it
 * 2) Remember when Bill Clinton asked for the resignations of all US attorneys DURING the transition:? Pepperidge farms remembers
 * 3) For SOME reason the US government isn't responding to Ukraine's requests to interview Paul Manafort in connection to a corruption investigation. Gee, I wonder why that is

Department of Veterans Affairs

 * 1) White House: All VA Hospitals directed to put up portraits of cheetos
 * 2) Trump claims he is holding a big meeting on how to overhaul the VA at Mar-a-Lago because it was "the most convenient place" and "everybody wanted to go there". Also, Donald? Stop trying to make "The Southern White House" happen. It's embarrassing
 * 3) This weekend, you paid Trump the approximate cost of 500,000 Meals on Wheels for a "Veterans Affairs meeting" in Mar-a-Lago. Only it seems he forgot to bring the VA secretary. Or even to schedule the meeting

EPA
Environmental Protection Agency
 * 1) EPA Office of Science and Technology Policy deletes "science" from its science mission statement, replaces it with "technologically achievable"
 * 2) EPA head: Meh, what's a little chemical spill between friends?

Steve Mnuchin
Treasury Secretary
 * 1) Oh, look, Steven Mnuchin just wrote the letter begging Congress to raise the debt ceiling so America doesn't default. Let's see if Republicans are still as opposed to it as they were when Obama was president

James Donovan
Deputy Treasury Secretary
 * 1) You may as well call him President Midas, because everything he touches turns to Goldman

Ben Carson
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
 * 1) Ben Carson: Slaves were immigrants who dreamed of a better life
 * 2) There weren't any MFing immigrants on the MFing slave ships
 * 3) For a renowned surgeon, Ben Carson sure can't surgically remove that foot from his mouth
 * 4) Guess who else called slaves immigrants... Oh how the outrage was

FCC
Federal Communications Commission
 * 1) Privacy, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing. GOP wants to do away with FCC's entire privacy rulemaking to allow ISPs to sell your entire browsing history to advertisers or other third parties without your consent

John F. Kelly
Secretary of Department of Homeland Security
 * 1) Illegal border crossings decrease by 40% in February as Mexico learns what it's like to share a border with a third-world hellhole

Scott Pruitt
Director of the Environmental Protection Agency
 * 1) EPA chief Scott Pruitt says carbon dioxide is not a primary contributor to global warming. That is all
 * 2) Science. Huh. Good God, y'all. What is it good for? Absolutely nothin'. Love, Scott Pruitt
 * 3) EPA head: Meh, what's a little chemical spill between friends?

Paul Manafort
 former Chairman of the Trump campaign Someone who played a very limited role for a very limited time
 * 1) By order of Secretary Spicer, Paul Manafort is/was no longer the former Chairman of the Trump campaign but "Someone who played a very limited role for a very limited time". Please consign all non-conforming information to the nearest Memory Hole
 * 2) Paul Manafort's protégé? Russian collaborator
 * 3) Paul Manafort's daughter sends out text message bragging about the people her father had killed
 * 4) Paul Manafort Drafted a Plan in 2005 to Influence American and European Politics for Putin's Benefit, which incidentally is how we ended up with Trump as President
 * 5) Trump: Manawho? Never heard of him

Mick Mulvaney
Director of OMB
 * 1) President Trump (R) in January:"There will be health insurance for everybody. Much less expensive than Obamacare and much better." White House Budget Director Mulvaney (R) in March:"Insurance for ordinary people is not really the end goal"
 * 2) Trump administration makes up an accusation against Obama with zero proof offered. Shockingly, this is not a repeat of the last 20,343 times this has happened
 * 3) Mulvaney: "We can't ask a coal miner to pay for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting." This story brought to you by the letters 'W,' 'T' and 'F'

Boris Epshteyn
Commissar for Media Relations

Neil Gorsuch
SCOTUS nominee
 * 1) Gorsuch believes it is improper to state opinions about historic cases. A SCOTUS appointee with no opinion or regard for precedent? The perfect candidate
 * 2) Supreme Court Nominee thinks you should die to protect your company's property, no word on if he thinks the company owes you a funeral or if they can sue your spouse for cleaning up after your corpse

Carter Page
American oil industry consultant, foreign policy advisor
 * 1) Trump Campaign Knew
 * 2) KellyAnne Conway: Donald Trump doesn't know who Carter Page is

Michael Flynn
former National Security advisor
 * 1) White House spokesperson: Trump doesn't know a damn thing

James Comey
Director of the FBI
 * 1) Comey: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Privacy? What the hell is that?

FBI
Federal Bureau of Investigation
 * 1) For SOME reason the US government isn't responding to Ukraine's requests to interview Paul Manafort in connection to a corruption investigation. Gee, I wonder why that is

Army General Joseph Votel
commander, U.S. Central Command
 * 1) The buck stops at General Votel

Betsy DeVos
Secretary of Education
 * 1) House okays using taxpayer money for Islamic schools

OMB
Office of Management & Budget
 * 1) Trump White House on CBO report on Trumpcare: unbelievable, fake news. Our own analysis shows that by 2026 twice as many Americans will lose health insurance as the CBO report. So there

Tom Price
Secretary of Health and Human Services
 * 1) GOP wants you to know that Keith Hall is a liberal hack who isn't fit to be CBO director
 * 2) Even Breitbart thinks that Tom Price's comments that "everyone will be covered" under Trumpscare was the lie of the year
 * 3) Tom Price thinks it should be up to states, not the Federal Government, to decide if vaccines are required
 * 4) HHS Sec. Tom Price says that benchmark for healthcare should be care, not insurance coverage. Aight we can all agree on that? Now let's hear how Trump/GOP plans to provide said care... oh laissez-faire mmmkay that worked magnificently the last time
 * 5) Tom Price tells CNN that Trump's promise of universal health coverage is right behind the ACA repeal and passage of the Blood God Budget. The specifics are secret. Trust him

NOAA
National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration
 * 1) Trump tweets snowstorm warning from the agency whose budget he's planning to slash

Silicon Valley Entreprenuers

 * 1) President Trump: brought to you by the same people who unleashed knock-off fart apps on the world
 * 2) Today we learn how the revolving door between the government and Amazon.com use your tax dollars, make Bezos a happy guy

James Mattis
Secretary of Defense
 * 1) Trump to send 1000 troops to Syria because you can't win wars if you don't fight them

Richard Spencer
Special Whiteness Assistant to the President
 * 1) NOT NEWS: Punch-magnet white supremacist shames welfare. NEWS: Wearing bootstraps funded by millions in government subsidies. FARK: Paid to his family-owned cotton farm in Louisiana

Steve Milloy
advisor, Trump EPA transition team, whore
 * 1) It appears that someone is blowing smoke up the White House's arse with some crazy theory about smog

George Conway
Nominee for director, Department of Justice, Civil Division
 * 1) Kellyanne's husband picked to lead the civil division of the DOJ. Fun fact that certainly won't come back to haunt him? He was part of the legal team for Paula Jones that established you can sue sitting U.S. presidents

Frank Gaffney
director, Center for Security Policy, his own tiny think tank
 * 1) Turns out the best way to radicalize people is to strip them of their nationality. Not that this administration would know or anything

Department of Homeland Security

 * 1) Homeland Security publishes list of 118 terrorist occupied cities. Bombing begins in five minutes

Secret Service

 * 1) Step 1: Steal car. Step 2: Drive to White House. Step 3: Declare there is a bomb in your car at a Secret Service checkpoint. Step 4: Get featured on Fark

Rex Tillerson
Secretary of State
 * 1) Rex Tillerson may not be a firm believer in Climate Change, but his intra-company alias Wayne Tracker believed that it was about to get hot enough to pop popcorn on the sidewalk
 * 2) Tillerson to skip parent-teacher conference in lieu of hanging out with his best friend during school hours

State Deptartment

 * 1) Meh, we didn't need those Afghans who helped U.S. forces despite risk to life and limb anyways

Tom Shannon
Undersecretary of State

Nikki Haley
US Ambassador to the United Nations

Spineless Democrats

 * 1) Senator Dick Durbin (D IL) Minority Whip
 * 2) Nominated
 * 3) Senator Chuck Schumer (D NY) Minority Leader
 * 4) Nominated
 * 5) Senator Jon Tester (D MT)
 * 6) Nominated
 * 7) Senator Claire McCaskill (D-MO)
 * 8) Senator Heidi Heitkamp (D ND)
 * 9) Senator Joe Manchin (D WV)
 * 1) Senator Joe Manchin (D WV)
 * 1) Senator Joe Manchin (D WV)

State-level Agency that Feds Duplicate
therefore, fed budget cut is justified Governors Highway Safety Association
 * 1) GHSA

Private Company that Feds Duplicate
therefore, fed budget cut is justified Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos
 * 1) Tech Billionaires

Independent Contractors
former Maricopa County Sheriff chair, House Intelligence Committee United States District Court, Eastern District of Virginia
 * 1) House Ways and Means Committee
 * 2) The first House panel advances the ACA repeal
 * 3) Rep. Jason Smith (R MO 8th)
 * 4) The bar has now been set for "stupidest thing said during the Obamacare repeal debate". " Rep Jason Smith (Slow-MO) decrying Obamacare's tax on tanning beds, If Democrats are concerned about dskin cancer "Why haven't they put a tax on the sun instead?"
 * 5) Senator Ted Cruz (R TX)
 * 6) Grandpa Munster says the Trumps were "gracious and warm" during dinner at the White House and everything was fine, just fine, and there is no reason to suspect otherwise
 * 7) Rep. Paul Ryan (R WI 1st)
 * 8) Paul Ryan: The "fatal conceit" of Obamacare is that HEALTHY people with insurance subsidize SICK people's health costs
 * 9) Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R UT 3rd)
 * 10) House okays using taxpayer money for Islamic schools
 * 11) Rep Steve King (R IA 4th)
 * 12) Steve King thinks he would look real snazzy in a Nazi uniform
 * 13) Republicans tell Steve King that he's being a little too obvious with the dog megaphone
 * 14) Apparently, there were people who thought Iowa was a vacation destination. Who knew?
 * 15) Joe Arpaio
 * 1) Congratulations, Arizona citizens: you voted out Sheriff Joe last November, but you will be paying approximately $108 MEEEELLIONNNNN dollars this year to pay for his legal fees / lawsuit settlements
 * 2) Rep. Devin Nunes (R CA 22nd)
 * 1) The fact that the Top Republican on the House Intelligence Committee which has been charged with looking into Russia's interference in the election was also a member of Trump's transition team should in no way cast doubt on the panel's work
 * 2) Rep. Nunes claims that Trump people were picked up on FBI wiretaps of Russians, which means, technically, Obama wiretapped the Trump campaign, which is the best kind of wiretapping
 * 3) Rep. Nunes thought he was putting out the Trump Tweet Tapp fire. Only he reached for gasoline instead of water
 * 4) Trump feels "somewhat vindicated" about his "wire tapping" allegations. "Somewhat vindicated" is in quotes meaning not actually vindicated at all
 * 5) Governor Chris Christie (R NJ)
 * 6) Gov. Chris Christie victim blames all the recently fired U.S. attorneys. "They received notice that they were leaving office. That notice was given to them by the people of the country on November 8, when they elected a Republican president"
 * 7) Rep. Joe "The Oil Gargler" Barton (R TX 6th)
 * 8) Texas congressman Joe "The Oil Gargler" Barton repeatedly insists that beating women is a state's rights issue, then yells at his constituents to shut up when they disagree with his rampant idiocy
 * 9) the state of Texas
 * 10) As their Obamacare replacement cuts off funds for Planned Parenthood, Republicans want to reassure women that other clinics will step up to provide their low-cost breast exams, contraception and cancer screenings. Let's see how that worked in TX
 * 11) Senator Mike Crapo (R ID)
 * 12) The "Hearing Protection Act" is a GOP-introduced bill to a) update laws for maximal headphone volume output, b) make measurement of sound levels at live concerts mandatory, c) reduce restrictions on gun silencers
 * 13) Rep. Jeff Duncan (R SC 3rd)
 * 14) The "Hearing Protection Act" is a GOP-introduced bill to a) update laws for maximal headphone volume output, b) make measurement of sound levels at live concerts mandatory, c) reduce restrictions on gun silencers
 * 15) Senator Jeff Flake (R AZ)
 * 16) GOP Senators ask Judge Gorsuch the probing questions: "What's the answer to life, the universe, and everything?" and "Would you rather fight 1 horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?" Hey, I thought there wasn't going to be a litmus test
 * 17) Rep. Dave Brat (R VA 7th)
 * 18) Dave Brat goes into a conspiracy theory meltdown live on the air after Katy Tur asks him a few simple questions
 * 19) Governor Asa Hutchinson (R AR)
 * 20) Arkansas Governor signed a bill allowing people with CCW licenses to carry guns "at state colleges, some bars, government buildings and even the state Capitol." Said Governor Hutchinson at the signing: Yeee-HAW *blam* *blam*
 * 21) Senator Marco Rubio (R FL)
 * 22) Marco Rubio says Snoop Dogg should have been more careful about pretending to shoot a Trump clown in a video because "presidents have been assassinated before"
 * 23) Florida state legislature
 * 24) Want to kill someone? Do it in Florida, where it's basically legal now
 * 25) Rep. Chris Collins (R NY 27th)
 * 26) "He's doing everything that he promised he would do - working to secure our borders, took us out of TPP, has the best cabinet that has never been assembled in history," says GOP congressman who gave Trump an A for his performance. Hilarity ensued
 * 27) Rep. Trey Gowdy (R DC 4th)
 * 28) Rep Trey Gowdy attempts a high profile "But what about..." during the Comey hearing, but doesn't quite stick the landing
 * 29) state Senator Gerald Allen (R, AL, 21st)
 * 30) Texas state Senate
 * 31) Texas passes bill allows doctors to withhold information from pregnant women about detected birth defects like Down's Syndrome, Republicanism, Cowboys fandom
 * 32) Senator Pat Roberts (R KS)
 * 33) Judge Anthony Trenga
 * 1) Senator Marco Rubio (R FL)
 * 2) Marco Rubio says Snoop Dogg should have been more careful about pretending to shoot a Trump clown in a video because "presidents have been assassinated before"
 * 3) Florida state legislature
 * 4) Want to kill someone? Do it in Florida, where it's basically legal now
 * 5) Rep. Chris Collins (R NY 27th)
 * 6) "He's doing everything that he promised he would do - working to secure our borders, took us out of TPP, has the best cabinet that has never been assembled in history," says GOP congressman who gave Trump an A for his performance. Hilarity ensued
 * 7) Rep. Trey Gowdy (R DC 4th)
 * 8) Rep Trey Gowdy attempts a high profile "But what about..." during the Comey hearing, but doesn't quite stick the landing
 * 9) state Senator Gerald Allen (R, AL, 21st)
 * 10) Texas state Senate
 * 11) Texas passes bill allows doctors to withhold information from pregnant women about detected birth defects like Down's Syndrome, Republicanism, Cowboys fandom
 * 12) Senator Pat Roberts (R KS)
 * 13) Judge Anthony Trenga
 * 1) Texas passes bill allows doctors to withhold information from pregnant women about detected birth defects like Down's Syndrome, Republicanism, Cowboys fandom
 * 2) Senator Pat Roberts (R KS)
 * 3) Judge Anthony Trenga
 * 1) Judge Anthony Trenga
 * 1) Senator Lindsay Graham (R SC)
 * 2) Governor Gary Herbert (R UT)
 * 3) Senator Mitch McConnel (R KY) Senate Majority Leader
 * 4) certain GOP Senators
 * 5) Rep. Jodey Arrington (R TX 19th)
 * 6) the Koch Brothers
 * 7) {{nom}{{koch}}
 * 8) Mayor Roger Claar (R, Bolingbrook, IL)
 * 9) Verizon
 * 1) Rep. Jodey Arrington (R TX 19th)
 * 2) the Koch Brothers
 * 3) {{nom}{{koch}}
 * 4) Mayor Roger Claar (R, Bolingbrook, IL)
 * 5) Verizon
 * 1) Verizon
 * 1) Verizon

=The Enemy=

Such A Nasty Woman
Hillary Clinton

We Don't Want Them In Our Country
Canadian Prime Minister elitist Manhattan bar former Nixon White House counsel Who? American Medical Association AARP (American Association of Retired Persons) creator of KittenFeed.com
 * 1) Valerie Jarrett has moved in with the Obamas. So that's how it is in their family
 * 2) May we present: Trump's proof of the wire tapp. And you know he'd tapp that
 * 3) Russian hacking of the DNC is a problem, not a scandal. The scandal is this: Who inside the government of the United States is trying to discredit, damage or destroy the President of the United States?
 * 4) There weren't any MFing immigrants on the MFing slave ships
 * 5) That time when candidate Trump met with the Russian Ambassador and then lied about it
 * 6) Senators push to force Southern White House to obey regular White House open records laws
 * 7) No one likes Ryancare because it's either A) too evil or B) not evil enough
 * 8) Fmr. NSA analyst: Intel sources say White House 'targeting journalists' with 'help from Russian intel' - Nothing to see here, move along comrade
 * 9) Sen. Franken: Lies, and the perjured Jeff Sessions who tells them
 * 10) Yesterday NPR political reporters resorted to memes and funny gifs during Spicer's conference. Let's hope it catches on
 * 11) Gold Star father Khizr Khan: "Guys, I have been persecuted by having my ability to travel put under review by these fascists." People: "Wow, that sounds terrible. Details?" Khan: *waves pocket Constitution, throws smokebomb*
 * 12) Nothing to see here -- just Trump associates directly communicating with Russian hackers mere weeks before the DNC was hacked
 * 13) What has gotten into the Democrats? Why are they so bellicose toward Moscow?
 * 14) Is Obamacare really failing?
 * 15) Rep. Maxine Waters: "We know" Trump sex blackmail is "absolutely true." Which is such a coincidence because Max Waters was the name of one of his Russian prostitutes
 * 16) Whine bar sues Trump
 * 17) Hey, wait a second. Why AREN'T the insurance companies screaming bloody murder about the potential destruction of the individual insurance market?
 * 18) Study shows that conservatives are less likely to be Canadian than liberals
 * 19) American Society of Civil Engineers
 * 20) Civil engineers estimate it will cost approximately the amount of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan to fix all of America's broken shiat
 * 21) When Republicans are unable to come together and get their own healthcare reform passed, Trump has a simple solution lined up: Blame the Democrats
 * 22) Please call the atrocious Republican healthcare plan "Trumpcare". Because the White House doesn't want you to call it that
 * 23) Okay folks, I want a unique angle on this Muslim Ban, doesn't matter how stupid. Um... What if we blamed it on Jimmy Carter?
 * 24) Watch the liberals. Listen to what they say, because their lies and their slanders are a road map to their plans for the future
 * 25) Congressman Steve King (R-eally Crazy) wants a purge. No, really, he said that
 * 26) President Trump has decided to use the power of his office to expose the potential duplicity and unscrupulous behavior of the Obama Administration in the wiretapping of his campaign
 * 27) Majority of Americans support a special investigation into Russiaghazi and the recusal of Forrest Sessions
 * 28) If the Republican party still has a moral center, it needs to find it or face extinction
 * 29) Trump's desire for a military buildup is a solution to a problem that does not exist and it is dangerous, irrational, and a waste of money
 * 30) Foreign cartoonists inspired by Trump's first month...oh dear
 * 31) "We're protesting injustice for the greater good, man." "You sure about that, hippie?"
 * 32) Fast For Trump
 * 33) Witchcraft, which isn't a real religion and isn't working, is apparently working and the cause of all trump's problems. No this is not a repeat from 1693
 * 34) While you libs are getting your panties in a wad, real Americans like xenophobes, Pizza-gaters, and middle-school Aryans are rallying for our president and calling for liberal genocide
 * 35) Where has the color purple gone in American politics? That's right, in the color dumpster of opposition
 * 36) GOP wants you to know that Keith Hall is a liberal hack who isn't fit to be CBO director
 * 37) Trump White House delegitimizes anything that gets in the way of its propaganda
 * 38) Meh, we didn't need those Afghans who helped U.S. forces despite risk to life and limb anyways
 * 39) American Medical Association
 * 40) Even the American Medical Association is calling the GOP out on their bullsh*t
 * 41) Penguin Random House
 * 42) Obama books to be published worldwide. First title, "The Last Sane President", is due out in June
 * 43) Activists protest against Trump's environmental policies by hitting him where it hurts: right in the 18th hole. No, this has nothing to do with Ivanka
 * 44) The rich history of vandalizing property belonging to Donald Trump
 * 45) People with cameras in their phones
 * 46) The Left's version of O'keefe is low energy, didn't even dress up for this, sad
 * 47) John Oliver really, really hates Trumpcare and everything the GOP is trying to do with the ACA, so he is again trying to reach Trump by purchasing airtime on Fox & Friends and airing another commercial targeting the DC audience
 * 48) University of Delaware
 * 49) University launches Biden research and policy institute, to focus on economic reform, civil rights and the proper techniques for washing a Trans-Am
 * 50) Biden Institute
 * 51) University launches Biden research and policy institute, to focus on economic reform, civil rights and the proper techniques for washing a Trans-Am
 * 52) Snoop Dogg
 * 53) Snoop Dogg finally addresses the problem that no one else will speak of: there's too much clown shiat going on
 * 54) With absolutely nothing else to concern himself with as President of the United States Trump tweets about "failing" Snoop Dogg. Could this be the beginning of a new West Coast-East Coast rivalry?
 * 55) Fox News host suggested that the Secret Service should kill Snoop Dogg and Bow Wow after Snoop recently made a music video in which he points a gun at a clown version of President Trump, because that's what you do in a Democracy
 * 56) Trump to send 1000 troops to Syria because you can't win wars if you don't fight them
 * 57) Justin Trudeau
 * 1) Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau invites Ivanka trump to the Broadway premier of "Come From Away"-a musical about a Canadian town that welcomed all the stranded US air travellers (refugees) on 9/11-or that's what they're telling Jared anyway
 * 2) The Internet
 * 3) What's surrounded by fur and has a foul wind blowing out of its hole?
 * 4) Trump's favorite Irish proverb is neither
 * 5) Meals on Wheels
 * 6) If you invested heavily in cat food futures after the election, your payoff is on its way
 * 7) The U.S. may have just bombed a mosque in Aleppo during evening prayers. Dozens dead
 * 8) Secret Service laptop containing the floor plans to Trump Tower and info about the Clinton email investigation stolen
 * 9) Ukraine
 * 10) For SOME reason the US government isn't responding to Ukraine's requests to interview Paul Manafort in connection to a corruption investigation. Gee, I wonder why that is
 * 11) Trump allies Roger Stone and Paul Manafort both wanted for questioning in Russia investigations
 * 12) The Happiest Hour
 * 1) Trump fan sues Manhattan bar for not serving him because of his Trump hat. Yeah, right. I'm sure it had nothing to do with his "waiters can go fark themselves" shirt
 * 2) UK Intelligence Chief warns that Russia may have been behind Donald Trump's claim that British intelligence had wiretapped Trump Tower
 * 3) Trump Administration to boycott UN council over anti-Israel agenda, because the best way to stop something you don't like is to prevent yourself from voting to stop it
 * 4) Trump takes personal credit and brags about increasing unemployment in African American males
 * 5) John Dean
 * 1) Former Nixon White House Counsel John Dean: The actions of the Trump White House in response to the Russia story seem AWFULLY familiar to me...wait, don't tell me, it'll come to me any second
 * 2) Carter Page
 * 1) KellyAnne Conway: Donald Trump doesn't know who Carter Page is
 * 2) American Hospital Association
 * 1) Let's check in with some actual healthcare providers and see what they think about Paul Ryan's Trumpcare powerpoint.... oh. Oh my
 * 2) "Lucy"
 * 1) Having solved all the nation's problems and secured his legacy, President Trump turns his sights on teen who created website where you can punch Trump's face using a cat's paw
 * 2) Brexit
 * 3) See, Brexit hasn't been a complete economic disaster
 * 4) wealthy New Yorkers
 * 5) Mayor Sadiq Khan (Labour Party, London)
 * 6) Uncle Joe Biden
 * 7) Garrison Keillor Minnesota hippie
 * 8) North Carolina Grower's Association
 * 9) Cork Wine Bar owners Diane Gross, Khalid Pitts
 * 10) Whine bar sues Trump
 * 11) Senator Boogeywoman (D MA)
 * 12) Robert Reich former Labor Secretary
 * 13) Modern Appealing Clothing suing Ivanka Trump for unfair business practices
 * 14) CREW Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington suing President for violating Emoluments Clause
 * 15) FSFP Free Speech for People with NYAG suing President for abuse of power
 * 16) CPS Energy
 * 17) Jeffrey A. Lovitky failure to comply with financial disclosure law
 * 18) Lawyers for Good Government
 * 19) Summer Zervos former TV show contestant
 * 20) Bernard Marks
 * 21) Adam McElhaney self-described net neutrality activist
 * 22) Carly Fiorina former CEO of Hewlett Packard,former 2016 GOP presidential candidate
 * 23) Jean-Claude Juncker president, European Commission
 * 24) Clinton Watt fellow, Foreign Policy Research Institute
 * 25) Schools
 * 1) FSFP Free Speech for People with NYAG suing President for abuse of power
 * 2) CPS Energy
 * 3) Jeffrey A. Lovitky failure to comply with financial disclosure law
 * 4) Lawyers for Good Government
 * 5) Summer Zervos former TV show contestant
 * 6) Bernard Marks
 * 7) Adam McElhaney self-described net neutrality activist
 * 8) Carly Fiorina former CEO of Hewlett Packard,former 2016 GOP presidential candidate
 * 9) Jean-Claude Juncker president, European Commission
 * 10) Clinton Watt fellow, Foreign Policy Research Institute
 * 11) Schools
 * 1) Bernard Marks
 * 2) Adam McElhaney self-described net neutrality activist
 * 3) Carly Fiorina former CEO of Hewlett Packard,former 2016 GOP presidential candidate
 * 4) Jean-Claude Juncker president, European Commission
 * 5) Clinton Watt fellow, Foreign Policy Research Institute
 * 6) Schools
 * 1) Jean-Claude Juncker president, European Commission
 * 2) Clinton Watt fellow, Foreign Policy Research Institute
 * 3) Schools
 * 1) Schools
 * 1) Schools
 * 1) Schools

I Have My Own Theory On Obama

 * 1) Barack Obama's politically active post-presidency isn't normal, or good
 * 2) 122 "vicious" Gitmo detainees released by Obama have gone back to terrorism, tweets the Trump. Give or take 113 who were released by George W. Bush
 * 3) The latest conspiracy theory from fringe alt-right radio shock jocks? Obama holdovers in government are "committing treason" against Trump to cover up their crimes
 * 4) Obama books to be published worldwide. First title, "The Last Sane President", is due out in June
 * 5) SHOCKING CONFESSION: In his own words, Obama admits to wiretapping Trump
 * 6) Right wing journalists ask the hard questions, like "Why is President Obama spending time in Hawaii?" Because it's not like he's from there or anything
 * 7) Reporter quits over Obama conspiracy theory story published by his employer

The Media Here Is The Opposition Party
CNN White House Correspondent MSNBC resident Amazon, news anchor leaked Trump's 2005 tax returns the Target CNN host CNN commentator National Political Reporter for The Washington Post congressional reporter, Independent Journal Review those aren't lemons Jezebel's diesel dyke-y sister site Jalopnik's SJW sister site lesbian English Canadian business newspaper broad on MSNBC, a five at best Vanity Fair editor-in-chief actress, comedienne chief Foreign Affairs correspondent for NBC News  author, national security analyst for CNN special contributor, CBS News Sunday Morning Conservative media special contributor, CBS News Sunday Morning correspondent, American Urban Radio Networks host of "The Daily Show"
 * 1) A minute-by-minute breakdown of two hours of this morning's "Fox & Friends" and President Trump's tweets that soon followed and referenced each story almost verbatim
 * 2) Trump's grandfather once wrote a letter groveling and begging not to be deported
 * 3) All Things Considered tracked down a fake news site who wrote such headlines as "Chris Christie nominated to Supreme Food Court." and "Sarah Palin Banning Muslims from Entering Bristol Palin." Yes, he's a liberal
 * 4) Cancer patient calls bullshiat on Samantha Bee's 'half-apology'
 * 5) Rachel Maddow's dogged reporting may take Trump down, says intrepid columnist who forgets that she is part of the Fake News Complex and as such no one will listen to her
 * 6) Brookings Institute:"At least 15 million will lose their coverage under the American Health Care Act." Congressional Republicans:"We don't like your negative analysis so we'll make our own. With some spreadsheets or whatever"
 * 7) Trump's insanity is Rachel Maddow's ratings bonanza. What Donnie, no tweets about liberal shows' bad ratings? Because all those shows now have yuge ratings due to your incompetence? Where are the tweets?
 * 8) NBC Reporter: "Can we trust that what the President says is real?" Bullshiat Spice: "If he's not joking, of course"
 * 9) Refined Gentleman that he is, President Trump lets it be known via the Twitter machine that he is distempered, nay, downright appalled, at the rudeness and lack of civility the uncouth media is displaying towards his designated liars
 * 10) All in one article, we learn Steve Bannon dodged state taxes by pretending to live in Florida; his Breitbart salary; and his ex-wife's drug dealing boyfriend never watched Breaking Bad. Shoulda checked for 'HDPE' on the tub before dissolving a body
 * 11) Microwave some popcorn (make sure you cover the camera first). Rachel Maddow says she has Trump's tax returns. Tonight at 9PM EDT on MSNBC
 * 12) Jim Acosta
 * 1) Sean Spicer seemed shocked to hear Jim Acosta say poor people existed; he just thought it was a myth like Star Wars or Hillary Clinton having people murdered
 * 2) Rachel Maddow
 * 1) And the biggest revelation from President Trump's leaked tax return? He will benefit more than anyone else with his proposed tax plan
 * 2) Yesterday on MSNBC Rachel Maddow was Charlie Brown to Donald Trump's Lucy holding the football
 * 3) Liberals in pursuit of the smoking gun to take down Trump fell for a 1.6 billion dollar hoax
 * 4) Maddow: Guys, there's a reason his campaign theme was "You can't always get what you want"
 * 5) Rachel Maddow rickrolled her liberal flock, and they love her for it and can't wait for the next benevolent serving of anti-Trump scraps
 * 6) David Cay Johnston
 * 1) "I know we at MSNBC done goofed. But hey, its real, so at least we got that going for us"
 * 2) Is MSNBC lackey Rachel Maddow in legal trouble for publishing Trump's tax return? Probably not but she should be
 * 3) Facebook
 * 4) Facebook is marking InfoWars links as "spam", regardless of whether Alex Jones appears shirtless
 * 5) Juan Williams
 * 1) After one of their many on-air arguments, "Hannity pulled out a gun and pointed it directly at Williams...he even turned on the laser sight, causing a red dot to bob around on Williams' body"
 * 2) NBC News
 * 3) Trump lied a bunch. There, I saved you five minutes
 * 4) Anderson Cooper
 * 1) Anderson Cooper
 * 1) "Tonight, we know the President has no facts"
 * 2) Anderson Cooper reaches his limit with the mighty oak forehead Jeffrey Lord over Russiagate, exasperatedly snapping "OH COME ON"
 * 3) Talking Points Memo
 * 4) Republicans are being less than honest in selling Trumpcare
 * 5) Angela Rye
 * 1) Angela Rye
 * 1) CNN political commentator says "Sean Spicer doesn't believe Sean Spicer at this point". Well, duh - that Ghostbusters remake was an atrocity
 * 2) Newsweek
 * 3) And so it begins - Newsweek suggests Trump would be wise to negotiate a resignation before his presidency is fatally wounded
 * 4) Abby D. Phillips
 * 1) White House officially downgrades its apology to "an explanation"
 * 2) Joe Perticone
 * 1) Reporter quits over Obama conspiracy theory story published by his employer
 * 2) Don Lemon
 * 1) Don Lemon summarizes Bullshiat Spice's latest word salad by comparing it to Billy Madison. Does he have a Fark handle?
 * 2) Jalopnik
 * 1) Hey, look, someone not on the Politics tab noticed how dumb the Federalist is
 * 2) Jezebel
 * 1) Masha Gessen
 * 1) Masha Gessen
 * 1) "Is Russiagate just a conspiracy theory?" If the headline ends in a question
 * 2) John Oliver
 * 3) John Oliver tries to explain the Trump budget but realizes it's impossible as he doesn't speak "fluent toddler psychopath"
 * 4) Financial Post
 * 1) Trump's budget is how the U.S. hands over leadership of 21st century technology to China. It is nothing short of superpower suicide
 * 2) Forbes magazine
 * 3) Forbes Magazine says Donald Trump's net worth has dropped by $1 billion over the past year. Trump says no problem, I'll just take trips to Mar-a-Lago twice every week and start holding state dinners there
 * 4) New York Observer
 * 5) For all their denunciations of 'fake news,' the Trump administration has become a leading purveyor of it, and most of that seems to come to them via Moscow
 * 6) Wall Street Journal
 * 7) When the Wall Street Journal compares you to 'a drunk' clinging to 'an empty gin bottle' in a scathing editorial, your Presidency is basically over, man. Sad
 * 8) Katy Tur
 * 1) Dave Brat goes into a conspiracy theory meltdown live on the air after Katy Tur asks him a few simple questions
 * 2) Associated Press
 * 3) Paul Manafort Drafted a Plan in 2005 to Influence American and European Politics for Putin's Benefit, which incidentally is how we ended up with Trump as President
 * 4) Trump: Manawho? Never heard of him
 * 5) Graydon Carter
 * 1) Melissa McCarthy
 * 1) Melissa McCarthy
 * 1) CNN
 * 2) Carl Bernstein
 * 3) Hulu
 * 4) Andrea Mitchell
 * 1) Carl Bernstein
 * 2) Hulu
 * 3) Andrea Mitchell
 * 1) Andrea Mitchell
 * 1) Andrea Mitchell
 * 1) Juliette Kayyem
 * 1) Juliette Kayyem
 * 1) Ted Koppel
 * 1) Ted Koppel
 * 1) various news outlets
 * 1) various news outlets
 * 1) Ted Koppel
 * 1) Ted Koppel
 * 1) Ted Koppel
 * 1) 60 Minutes
 * 2) Univision
 * 3) American Thinker
 * 4) Young Turks
 * 5) NYT
 * 6) April Ryan
 * 1) American Thinker
 * 2) Young Turks
 * 3) NYT
 * 4) April Ryan
 * 1) NYT
 * 2) April Ryan
 * 1) April Ryan
 * 1) Palmer Report
 * 2) Trevor Noah
 * 1) Palmer Report
 * 2) Trevor Noah
 * 1) Trevor Noah
 * 1) Anonymous former Breitbart writer
 * 1) Anonymous former Breitbart writer

I Will Restore Law And Order To Our Country

 * 1) Guys, it's not a Muslim ban. We know this because Trump told us. Please don't look at his own website telling us how he wants "a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States"
 * 2) "Immigrant privilege drives the child rape epidemic." Oh my f*cking God Ann Coulter actually said that line. And wrote an article about it. And believes it. And...Jesus Tapdancing Christ what the fark is wrong with her
 * 3) Illegal border crossings decrease by 40% in February as Mexico learns what it's like to share a border with a third-world hellhole
 * 4) Ferguson vs Trump. Round 2, FIGHT
 * 5) Okay folks, I want a unique angle on this Muslim Ban, doesn't matter how stupid. Um... What if we blamed it on Jimmy Carter?
 * 6) Trump: "My new and improved travel ban is flawless, see you in court liberotardos" Lawyers and judges: "You are really bad at this"
 * 7) Five GOP judges supported the travel ban
 * 8) Maryland judge likes the cut of Hawaii judge's jib, and issues another ban on Trump's travel ban. So for those playing along at home: The revised ban has been banned and banned again
 * 9) "How does 'no' sound to you? What, you don't like that word? Better get used to it"
 * 10) Trump's travel ban preventing certain groups from coming into US. Do those groupds groups include A: Al Queda? B: ISIS? or C: The Canadian version of the Girl Scouts?
 * 11) Girl Guides of Canada
 * 12) Trump's travel ban preventing certain groups from coming into US. Do those groupds groups include A: Al Queda? B: ISIS? or C: The Canadian version of the Girl Scouts?
 * 13) AG Jeff Sessions: "We have too much tolerance for marijuana use. We need to say, as Nancy Reagan said, 'Just say no.'" He then knocked back three fingers of bourbon and took a long, satisfying drag from an unfiltered Camel
 * 14) President Trump wants the Mexican border wall to be higher than two double-decker buses, and have an 'aesthetically pleasing color' on the US side. Hmm, could that mean white?
 * 15) New report shows immigrants commit fewer crimes than people born in the US. To be fair, some of us, I assume, are good people
 * 16) John Oliver tries to explain the Trump budget but realizes it's impossible as he doesn't speak "fluent toddler psychopath"
 * 17) Homeland Security publishes list of 118 terrorist occupied cities. Bombing begins in five minutes
 * 18) The real impact of Trump's "enhanced vetting": No African Citizens Could Attend A Summit On African Trade, Held in California, After Visas Were Denied

I Alone Can Fix It
While the State exists there can be no freedom; when there is freedom there will be no State


 * 1) National Park Service
 * 2) National Park Service releases hundreds of ground and arial photographs of President Trump's inauguration and yup, looks like we can expect an incoming tweet storm
 * 3) CBO Congressional Budget Office
 * 4) Brookings Institute:"At least 15 million will lose their coverage under the American Health Care Act." Congressional Republicans:"We don't like your negative analysis so we'll make our own. With some spreadsheets or whatever"
 * 5) Rep. Tom O’Halleran (D AZ 1st)
 * 6) Democrats are suddenly concerned about the price of Presidential trips
 * 7) Statistical Policy Directive Number 3
 * 8) Virtually the entire White House tweets about February's job stats, minutes after the official numbers are released. This is in direct violation of Statistical Policy Directive Number 3, which prohibits Federal employees from doing so
 * 9) U.S. District Court Judge William Conley
 * 10) "President Donald Trump's revised travel ban executive order suffered its first legal setback Friday as a federal judge blocked the directive's potential impact on the family of a Syrian refugee living in Wisconsin"
 * 11) Senator Chris Murphy (D CT)
 * 12) Sen. Murphy says what many of us are thinking, Wikileaks timing for releasing this info on the CIA is suspiciously timed, almost as if they were trying to deflect attention from something else, but what could that be?
 * 13) Preet Bharara U.S. Attorney, southern district of New York
 * 14) U.S. Attorney Bharara to President Trump: "I won't resign. I want your Keebler Elf to fire me" UPDATE: Elf obliged
 * 15) Fired U.S. Attorney for New York Preet Bharara sends out a Tweet that STRONGLY suggests that he was investigating Trump when he was fired
 * 16) There are indications that Jeff Sessions did not know his own attorneys were about to be fired
 * 17) Gov. Chris Christie victim blames all the recently fired U.S. attorneys. "They received notice that they were leaving office. That notice was given to them by the people of the country on November 8, when they elected a Republican president"
 * 18) Trump's prosecutorial purge will harm the GOP in the long run
 * 19) Just in time for your Friday news dump- US Attorney Preet Bharara was actively investigating HHS Director Tom Price when fired
 * 20) NY AG goes after Trump for the Preet-sacking
 * 21) Keith Hall Chief economist, Congressional Budget Office
 * 22) GOP wants you to know that Keith Hall is a liberal hack who isn't fit to be CBO director
 * 23) Rep. Adam Schiff (D CA 28th) ranking member, House Intelligence Committee
 * 24) House Intelligence Committee requests that Trump FW:FW:FW:FW:FW: over his evidence of wiretapping by Monday
 * 25) Trump defenders are starting to sound like English Lit professors at a Joyce seminar: "So now you have to decide, are you going to take the tweets literally? And if you are then clearly the president was wrong. But if you're not"
 * 26) "Circumstantial evidence" regarding collusion between Russia and Trump campaign. The seven or so Trump surrogates who had many meetings with Russians not withstanding
 * 27) House Intelligence Committee Democrat Adam Schiff calls for independent investigation after Chairperson Devin Nunes decides to throw protocol out the window and brief the President that shiat is hitting the fan faster than anyone expected *DUN DUN*
 * 28) Rep. Elijah Cummings (D MD 7th)
 * 29) Elijah Cummings says there might be a connection between Bharara's firing and the ongoing Trump investigation. Time to bust out the "well duh" images
 * 30) California and Section 177 under the Clean Air Act
 * 31) Trump's EPA looking to kill the law that led to unleaded gasoline and catalytic converters
 * 32) Hey, look, someone not on the Politics tab noticed how dumb the Federalist is
 * 33) Congressional Budget Office
 * 34) CBO will release their score for Trumpcare at 4 PM, to be followed by Presidential toilet rant on twitter at 5 AM
 * 35) CBO estimates 14 million people losing health insurance if American Health Act is passed
 * 36) CBO projects iPhone sales to drop by 14M in 2018, accelerate to over 24 million by 2026
 * 37) Newt licks himself some Trump butt. Mmm, that's good Trump butt
 * 38) If you hated Obamacare because your premiums went up too much, just wait until you try the new and improved 750% hike in Trumpcare
 * 39) Eric Schneiderman New York Attorney General
 * 1) If you hated Obamacare because your premiums went up too much, just wait until you try the new and improved 750% hike in Trumpcare
 * 2) Eric Schneiderman New York Attorney General


 * 1) Rex Tillerson may not be a firm believer in Climate Change, but his intra-company alias Wayne Tracker believed that it was about to get hot enough to pop popcorn on the sidewalk
 * 2) NY AG goes after Trump for the Preet-sacking
 * 3) Democrats
 * 4) Sad but true, the Democrats have become the new party of no
 * 5) Beyond outright incompetence - Donald Trump has a plan? CNN thinks so. Maybe it is stored right next to his Healthcare plan, China plan, and Defeat ISIS plan
 * 6) NOAA National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration
 * 7) Trump tweets snowstorm warning from the agency whose budget he's planning to slash
 * 8) Executive Branch Reorganization
 * 9) Trump signs executive order asking every department "just what do they do around here?"
 * 10) Department of Justice
 * 11) Donald Trump just became Hillary Clinton's email ally
 * 12) The Fed the Federal Reserve
 * 13) Political control over the Fed is inevitable. Which means the inflationary spiral that the Fed was put in place to prevent is also inevitable
 * 14) Judge Derrick K. Watson U.S. District Court, Honolulu
 * 15) Barring a court ruling, travel ban takes effect at midnight. This IS a repeat
 * 16) Federal judge to Trump: What part of "you can't have a Muslim travel ban" did you not understand the first time around, dumbass?
 * 17) Republicans should just blow up the entire healthcare system. Wait, I thought they were already doing that
 * 18) Department of Homeland Security
 * 19) Internal Trump administration data undercuts travel ban. Or, in other words, the Emperor has no clothes
 * 20) FBI Federal Bureau of Investigation
 * 21) Internal Trump administration data undercuts travel ban. Or, in other words, the Emperor has no clothes
 * 22) "FBI investigation...could hamper [Trump's political agenda for months, if not years, to come." HA. Years?]
 * 23) The FBI Russia probe will also investigate the Western wing of Russia's propaganda machine, Breitbart and Infowars
 * 24) So, it turns out the FBI really DID have a wiretap at Trump Tower to spy on Russians, but it was from 2011-2013, and its target was the Russian mobsters running a massive money laundering operation out of their apartment there
 * 25) Whether it's residents in his Trump-branded buildings, or his business associates or investors in his projects, Trump is tied up with not just Russians, but in many cases Russians tied to the criminal underworld and money laundering
 * 26) The internet is forever, and things you post can come back to haunt you later. Isn't that right, Mrs. Kellyanne "Ha, ha, you're being investigated by the FBI" Conway?
 * 27) "The FBI probe into Trump and Russia is huge news. Our political system isn't ready for it"
 * 28) Just how, exactly, does an FBI counterintelligence investigation into a sitting President and his cronies work? I'm glad you asked
 * 29) Secret Service
 * 30) They'll be no shortage of Donald Trumps in the coming decades. Secret service in trouble for taking selfies with 8 year-old Donald Trump III. Trump III says Obama caused him to poopie his pants. They grow up so fast
 * 31) Judges
 * 32) Michelle Malkin says judges are tyrants for not allowing constitutionally dubious travel ban to go through. Good thing Malkin doesn't have a murky immigrant background which might include her parents immigrating on employer sponsored visas
 * 33) Internal Trump administration data
 * 34) Internal Trump administration data undercuts travel ban. Or, in other words, the Emperor has no clothes
 * 35) National Institutes of Health conducted study in link
 * 36) Since the White House argued that Meals on Wheels is going to be cut because it has not shown any results, I'm sure you'll be shocked to hear that there is actual research that proves otherwise
 * 37) Brown School of Public Health conducted study in link
 * 38) Since the White House argued that Meals on Wheels is going to be cut because it has not shown any results, I'm sure you'll be shocked to hear that there is actual research that proves otherwise
 * 39) Liam Hogan research librarian, Limerick City Library
 * 40) This does classify as 'old news' but it is something you might want to have available to share on social media with your racist uncle since every White person in America is Irish today
 * 41) Mayor Mitch Landrieu (D, New Orleans)
 * 42) Mayor says Trump's budget would be 'devastating' to New Orleans, and that city knows a thing or two about devastation
 * 43) IRS Internal Revenue Service
 * 44) The IRS granted 'After School Satan Club' tax-exempt status in 10 days, while non-profit conservative groups had to wait years (and some are still waiting)
 * 45) Richard Ledgett Deputy Director of No Such Agency
 * 46) Deputy Director of the NSA calls Trump's UK spying allegations "just crazy", "arrant nonsense". Then insinuates Trump is ignorant and stupid. Why yes, he is retiring shortly
 * 47) Senate Intelligence Committee
 * 48) Trump allies Roger Stone and Paul Manafort both wanted for questioning in Russia investigations
 * 49) Pro tip: Wait until the hearing is over before you mischaracterize someone's congressional testimony, Mr. President, or you run the risk of being corrected in real-time
 * 50) Senator Russ Feingold (D WI)
 * 51) If Neil Gorsuch isn't a legitimate SCOTUS judge, then I understand the Senate has ways of shutting that down
 * 52) House Intelligence Committee
 * 53) Will Comey reveal that Trump is a puppet? Will the pee tape come to light? Will Trump demand Comey's head after the hearing? THIS is your House Intelligence Committee Hearing on Russia-gate thread (hearing starts at 10 AM EDT on C-SPAN)
 * 54) Comey confirms the FBI is investigating Trump team for Russia connections they can sweep under the rug
 * 55) Pro tip: Wait until the hearing is over before you mischaracterize someone's congressional testimony, Mr. President, or you run the risk of being corrected in real-time
 * 56) Pretty much, the only way today could have gone worse for Trump is if PornHub added a "presidential watersports" category to their search engine or Melania was revealed as a victim of "the Fappening 2.0"
 * 57) White House continues to defend wiretapping claim despite today's contrary statements from "so-called FBI Director" Comey
 * 58) Attorney General Maura Healey (D MA)'
 * 59) Massachusetts AG tells Exxon to preserve their emails, especially from the alias of Secretary of State Tillerson, in case they need to try the alias for misleading the public about climate change
 * 60) the City of New York
 * 61) According to New York City law, Trump's Northern White House is illegal and subject to a fine and loss of privileges. So sad
 * 62) Senator Chuck Schumer (D NY)
 * 63) Justice Barry Ostrager New York State Supreme Court, Manhattan
 * 64) Rep. Mike Quigley (D IL 5th)
 * 65) Treasury Department
 * 66) Army Gen. Curtis Scaparrotti Supreme Allied Commander Europe (SACEUR) of NATO Allied Command Operations, commander of the United States European Command
 * 67) House Freedom Caucus
 * 68) House Oversight Committee specifically chairman Chaffetz and ranking member Cummings
 * 69) Congress
 * 70) Rep. Ted Lieu (D CA 33rd)
 * 71) Senator Tom Udall (D NM) introduced MAR-A-LAGO Act
 * 72) Senator Sheldon Whitehouse (D RI) introduced MAR-A-LAGO Act
 * 73) Senator Tom Carper (D DE) introduced MAR-A-LAGO Act
 * 74) Senator Jack Reed (D RI) introduced MAR-A-LAGO Act
 * 75) Rep. Mike Quigley (D IL 5th) introduced MAR-A-LAGO Act
 * 76) Sally Yates former acting Attorney General
 * 77) Rep. Eric Swalwell (D CA 15th)
 * 78) GAO Government Accountability Office
 * 79) Senator Mark Warner (D VA)
 * 80) Senator Richard Blumenthal (D CT)
 * 1) Treasury Department
 * 2) Army Gen. Curtis Scaparrotti Supreme Allied Commander Europe (SACEUR) of NATO Allied Command Operations, commander of the United States European Command
 * 3) House Freedom Caucus
 * 4) House Oversight Committee specifically chairman Chaffetz and ranking member Cummings
 * 5) Congress
 * 6) Rep. Ted Lieu (D CA 33rd)
 * 7) Senator Tom Udall (D NM) introduced MAR-A-LAGO Act
 * 8) Senator Sheldon Whitehouse (D RI) introduced MAR-A-LAGO Act
 * 9) Senator Tom Carper (D DE) introduced MAR-A-LAGO Act
 * 10) Senator Jack Reed (D RI) introduced MAR-A-LAGO Act
 * 11) Rep. Mike Quigley (D IL 5th) introduced MAR-A-LAGO Act
 * 12) Sally Yates former acting Attorney General
 * 13) Rep. Eric Swalwell (D CA 15th)
 * 14) GAO Government Accountability Office
 * 15) Senator Mark Warner (D VA)
 * 16) Senator Richard Blumenthal (D CT)
 * 1) Senator Tom Carper (D DE) introduced MAR-A-LAGO Act
 * 2) Senator Jack Reed (D RI) introduced MAR-A-LAGO Act
 * 3) Rep. Mike Quigley (D IL 5th) introduced MAR-A-LAGO Act
 * 4) Sally Yates former acting Attorney General
 * 5) Rep. Eric Swalwell (D CA 15th)
 * 6) GAO Government Accountability Office
 * 7) Senator Mark Warner (D VA)
 * 8) Senator Richard Blumenthal (D CT)
 * 1) Rep. Eric Swalwell (D CA 15th)
 * 2) GAO Government Accountability Office
 * 3) Senator Mark Warner (D VA)
 * 4) Senator Richard Blumenthal (D CT)
 * 1) GAO Government Accountability Office
 * 2) Senator Mark Warner (D VA)
 * 3) Senator Richard Blumenthal (D CT)
 * 1) Senator Mark Warner (D VA)
 * 2) Senator Richard Blumenthal (D CT)
 * 1) Senator Richard Blumenthal (D CT)

We May Have To Get You A Larger Room

 * 1) It's Monday, so you know what that means: Trump's own agencies have told him that he's wrong about his weekend conspiracy rant, but he doesn't care and still believes his own derp
 * 2) FBI continues investigating the "odd" cyber link between a Russian bank and Trump's corporate holdings
 * 3) FBI and NSA called to testify on Trump-Russia investigation. CIA was going to be called, but thanks to Wikileaks, Congress already knows what CIA was going to say anyway

I Want To Use Hairspray

 * 1) Flint residents must start paying for water they still can't drink without a filter, because fark you, that's why
 * 2) NOAA to be gutted under Trump. Because who needs accurate weather forecasts, hurricane warnings, and current information on lightning strikes
 * 3) EPA Office of Science and Technology Policy deletes "science" from its science mission statement, replaces it with "technologically achievable"
 * 4) EPA chief Scott Pruitt says carbon dioxide is not a primary contributor to global warming. That is all
 * 5) Science. Huh. Good God, y'all. What is it good for? Absolutely nothin'. Love, Scott Pruitt
 * 6) Rex Tillerson may not be a firm believer in Climate Change, but his intra-company alias Wayne Tracker believed that it was about to get hot enough to pop popcorn on the sidewalk
 * 7) Trump tweets snowstorm warning from the agency whose budget he's planning to slash
 * 8) EPA head: Meh, what's a little chemical spill between friends?
 * 9) Trump's budget cuts all funding for climate change research. Every. Last. Penny
 * 10) Liam Hogan research librarian, Limerick City Library
 * 11) This does classify as 'old news' but it is something you might want to have available to share on social media with your racist uncle since every White person in America is Irish today
 * 12) It appears that someone is blowing smoke up the White House's arse with some crazy theory about smog
 * 13) Stephen Hawking
 * 14) Donald Trump's abhorrent science denial finally rouses Stephen Hawking's fury. Crush him in the claws of your giant mecha-suit, Stephen, crush him
 * 15) Neil deGrasse Tyson Black Science Man
 * 16) Neil deGrasse Tyson: Trump's Budget Will Make America Weak, Sick & Stupid. Obvious tag is really getting a workout this morning
 * 17) The age of open government is ending
 * 18) Doctors
 * 19) Evil godless medicine devils want you to believe that taking Christ out of the genetic amniocentesis results might not be in the best interests of women's health
 * 20) Jay Faison North Carolina businessman

We Will Reform The U.S. Education System

 * 1) The Sentencing Project
 * 2) New report shows immigrants commit fewer crimes than people born in the US. To be fair, some of us, I assume, are good people
 * 3) Cato Institute
 * 4) New report shows immigrants commit fewer crimes than people born in the US. To be fair, some of us, I assume, are good people
 * 5) The age of open government is ending

When Someone Crosses You, My Advice Is ‘Get even!’
former Trump Deputy Campaign Manager House Intelligence Committee Chairman Senate Intelligence Committee Chair Director of the Office of Management & Budget  reporter for FOX News Director, Office of Government Ethics President of the Southern Baptist Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission TV show FOX "News" anchor Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation': Secretary of Defense UN Ambassador host of parasitic sentient-bowtie Secretary of State former potential FOX spokesmodel Italian business philosopher senior ethics lawyer, George W. Bush former National Secutity Advisor founder, CEO of Murray Energy former "Vice" Leader of the Dark Side Russian bank former CIA operations officer, 2016 GOP Presidential candidate Senior Director for Intelligence Programs at National Security Council; brought to the White House by Michael T. Flynn Deputy National Security Council Legal Advisor; former counsel for House Intelligence Committee group of wealthy Utahans just another good head of hair like the rest of them
 * 1) Fark Politics tab explained: "social media...means that the satire never has to end, that you can always jack right back in, and there's always another person to tell you that those conservative rubes are uncool and unfunny"
 * 2) Newly declassified documents show that it's not just fake news, it's the CIA's news
 * 3) Alex Oronov
 * 4) Who is Alex Oronov? And why, like so many others on the Trump-Putin boundary, is he suddenly dead?
 * 5) David Bossie
 * 1) Everyone in the Trump campaign was rewarded with appointments they were unqualified for--except for Deputy Campaign Manager David Bossie, who was left in the cold. Probably because he never talked to Russia
 * 2) Senator Tom Cotton (R AR)
 * 3) Even Sen. "Tehran Tom" Cotton isn't willing to hop aboard Trump's latest crazy Train
 * 4) "Tehran Tom" Cotton wants a do-over on Trumpcare
 * 5) Heritage Foundation
 * 6) Heritage Foundation throws down the gauntlet on GOP's joke of an ACA replacement
 * 7) Senator Ben Sasse (R NE)
 * 8) "Meh, he's a crazy asshole. What did you expect? Don't look at us, you voted for the guy." - The GOP Leadership
 * 9) Rep. Devin Nunes (R CA 22nd)
 * 1) Mr. President, about those wiretapp allegations? Yeah....well we're sorry sir, but this time you're on your own
 * 2) House Intelligence Committee requests that Trump FW:FW:FW:FW:FW: over his evidence of wiretapping by Monday
 * 3) House Intelligence Committee set today as the deadline for Trump to provide evidence he was the victim of an Obama "wiretapp." Will Trump follow through? What will happen if he fails to provide the evidence? Either way, things will get crazy today
 * 4) Trump defenders are starting to sound like English Lit professors at a Joyce seminar: "So now you have to decide, are you going to take the tweets literally? And if you are then clearly the president was wrong. But if you're not"
 * 5) Get to know Intelligence Committee Chair Devin Nunes, a former dairy farmer in charge of US spies and intel
 * 6) Senator Richard Burr (R NC)
 * 1) Senator Richard Burr (R NC)
 * 1) Senator Richard Burr (R NC)
 * 1) Senator Richard Burr (R NC)
 * 1) Mr. President, about those wiretapp allegations? Yeah....well we're sorry sir, but this time you're on your own
 * 2) National Review
 * 3) The Uber-conservative National Review "If you want to see political malpractice in action, you don't have to read Donald Trump's latest tweet - just look at the mess Republicans have made of replacing Obamacare"
 * 4) Man: "I've yet to read anything positive about this healthcare bill". Woman: "Try going 2 a conservative source and open up your reading habits". Man: "I'm the editor of National Review Online"
 * 5) Baptists should support Muslims' rights to build mosques, according to liberal snowflake media wing of the Democratic Party, the National Review
 * 6) Rep. Rod Blum (R IA 1st)
 * 7) President Trump's stellar negotiation tactics have caused three wavering Republican lawmakers to firm up their stance on the ACA repeal-and-replace bill: they came out against it
 * 8) Rep. Ted Budd (R NC 13th)
 * 9) President Trump's stellar negotiation tactics have caused three wavering Republican lawmakers to firm up their stance on the ACA repeal-and-replace bill: they came out against it
 * 10) Rep. Leonard Lance (R NJ 7th)
 * 11) President Trump's stellar negotiation tactics have caused three wavering Republican lawmakers to firm up their stance on the ACA repeal-and-replace bill: they came out against it
 * 12) Bloomberg News
 * 13) Pay no attention to the trade surplus the U.S. had with China in February
 * 14) Mick Mulvaney
 * 1) President Trump (R) in January:"There will be health insurance for everybody. Much less expensive than Obamacare and much better." White House Budget Director Mulvaney (R) in March:"Insurance for ordinary people is not really the end goal"
 * 2) Breitbart "News"
 * 3) Breitbart, Steve Bannon's own personal public relations arm, thinks the GOP's ACA replacement is terrible
 * 4) Governor Charlie Baker (R MA)
 * 5) Governor sees Trump's attempt to f*ck over Planned Parenthood and promises to keep funding them even if the Feds pull out, no strings attached. Oh, and the governor is a Republican
 * 6) FOX
 * 7) Fox News slams GOP health care reform plan. Yes, THAT Fox News
 * 8) James Rosen
 * 1) Spicer: "Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone." Fox reporter: "No, he didn't" Spicer lackey: "There are multiple reports that Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone"
 * 2) Senator RANDPAUL (R KY)
 * 3) Rand Paul introduces simple bill to full repeal Obamacare titled "Popcorn Dot Gif Act of 2017"
 * 4) Rep. Pete Sessions (R TX 32nd)
 * 5) Trumpy Spice: "Every member of the House and Senate will be able to have their opportunity to have amendments (on TrumpCare) offered through the committee process and on the floor," GOP Leadership: The Hell you say
 * 6) Walter Shaub
 * 1) White House: Ethics laws do not apply to the executive branch. U.S. Ethics official: Um, yes they do, dumb asses
 * 2) Rep. Paul Ryan (R WI 1st)
 * 3) Paul Ryan; "Trump will never win a beauty contest." Wait, what? Oh, Trumpcare will never win a beauty contest. Coulda went either way
 * 4) Breitbart begins sharpening some very long knives
 * 5) Microwave catches Paul Ryan throwing Trump under the bus
 * 6) Paul Ryan would like to remind all Americans that Trump had his tiny hands all over the crafting of the GOP's healthcare legislation
 * 7) It's official: Obama did not tap that Ass
 * 8) Senator John McCain (R AZ)
 * 9) John McCain predicts there are "more shoes to drop" over Russiaghazi
 * 10) Breitbart "News"
 * 11) Even Breitbart thinks that Tom Price's comments that "everyone will be covered" under Trumpscare was the lie of the year
 * 12) Fox & Friends
 * 13) John Oliver really, really hates Trumpcare and everything the GOP is trying to do with the ACA, so he is again trying to reach Trump by purchasing airtime on Fox & Friends and airing another commercial targeting the DC audience
 * 14) Rev. Russell Moore
 * 1) Fox & Friends
 * 2) John Oliver really, really hates Trumpcare and everything the GOP is trying to do with the ACA, so he is again trying to reach Trump by purchasing airtime on Fox & Friends and airing another commercial targeting the DC audience
 * 3) Rev. Russell Moore
 * 1) Prominent evangelical pastor with an actual moral compass is opposed to Trump and the preachers who worship him, so naturally he's about to get kicked out of his leadership postion
 * 2) Morning Joe Scarborough
 * 3) Trump unfollows his Morning Joe besties who helped get him elected. Sad
 * 4) Mika Brzezinski
 * 5) Trump unfollows his Morning Joe besties who helped get him elected. Sad
 * 6) "Morning Joe" host Mika Brzezinski looks into camera and says directly to Trump: "It's a very serious allegation. And it questions everything that you're about. And it questions whether we can ever believe you, and whether Americans can believe you"
 * 7) Morning Joe
 * 1) Shepard Smith
 * 1) Shepard Smith
 * 1) Shepard Smith says it's "stunning" that after years of Republicans being united on fighting Obamacare, they can't agree on a replacement
 * 2) Senator Lindsey Graham (R SC)
 * 3) Lindsey Graham vows to "find out all things Russian" and has put Trump right in his crosshairs
 * 4) James Comey
 * 1) James Comey
 * 1) James Comey to officially reveal if FBI is investigating Trump's ties to Russia during presidential election
 * 2) And today Comey throws Trump under the bus
 * 3) Will Comey reveal that Trump is a puppet? Will the pee tape come to light? Will Trump demand Comey's head after the hearing? THIS is your House Intelligence Committee Hearing on Russia-gate thread (hearing starts at 10 AM EDT on C-SPAN)
 * 4) Comey confirms the FBI is investigating Trump team for Russia connections they can sweep under the rug
 * 5) James Comey answers the least suspenseful question in recorded history
 * 6) Pro tip: Wait until the hearing is over before you mischaracterize someone's congressional testimony, Mr. President, or you run the risk of being corrected in real-time
 * 7) Pretty much, the only way today could have gone worse for Trump is if PornHub added a "presidential watersports" category to their search engine or Melania was revealed as a victim of "the Fappening 2.0"
 * 8) White House continues to defend wiretapping claim despite today's contrary statements from "so-called FBI Director" Comey
 * 9) Former Nixon White House Counsel John Dean: The actions of the Trump White House in response to the Russia story seem AWFULLY familiar to me...wait, don't tell me, it'll come to me any second
 * 10) James Mattis
 * 1) James Mattis
 * 1) Trump's Secretary of a good offense: Climate change is real. It's happening now and we need to take it seriously. Trump's future reply: Well kiss my grits
 * 2) Nikki Haley
 * 1) Nikki Haley speaks out, saying that we shouldn't trust anyone involved in helping elect Trump
 * 2) Tucker Carlson
 * 1) Trump leaked classified CIA intel to Tucker Carlson on live TV: ranking House intel member
 * 2) Trump's response when Fox News' Tucker Carlson confronts him on the devastating impact repealing Obamacare will have on those who voted for him: "Oh, I know"
 * 3) former Rep. David Jolly (R FL 13th)
 * 4) So we've ALL been thinking it, but credit goes to former Rep. David Jolly (R-FL) for being the first to come out and say it publicly: President Donald Trump isn't "intellectually qualified" to be president
 * 5) Rex Tillerson
 * 1) In extremely polite Diplo-speak, China, through its state-run Media is basically saying they made Secretary of State Tillerson and the US their biatches during his visit this weekend
 * 2) Tomi Lahren
 * 1) Tomi Lahren
 * 1) Tomi Lahren suspended from Glenn Beck's media empire for moment of clarity
 * 2) Bill O'Reilly
 * 3) Straight-faced, Bill O'Reilly sheepishly admits Trump "would be wise to embrace only facts from now on"
 * 4) Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli
 * 1) Was Machiavelli actually not very Machiavellian?
 * 2) some guy named Paul Manafort
 * 3) Richard Painter
 * 1) Richard Painter
 * 1) the Republican Party
 * 2) Freedom Caucus
 * 3) Michael Flynn
 * 1) Freedom Caucus
 * 2) Michael Flynn
 * 1) Freedom Caucus
 * 2) Michael Flynn
 * 1) Michael Flynn
 * 1) Michael Flynn
 * 1) Michael Flynn
 * 1) Michael Flynn
 * 1) Jeb Bush
 * 2) Rep. Mark Meadows (R NC 11th)
 * 3) Robert Murray
 * 1) Rep. Mark Meadows (R NC 11th)
 * 2) Robert Murray
 * 1) Robert Murray
 * 1) Robert Murray
 * 1) Robert Murray
 * 1) Darth Cheney
 * 1) Darth Cheney
 * 1) Senator Lindsay Graham (R SC)
 * 2) Trump Supporters
 * 3) Vnesheconombank
 * 1) Trump Supporters
 * 2) Vnesheconombank
 * 1) Vnesheconombank
 * 1) Evan McMullin
 * 1) Evan McMullin
 * 1) Ezra Cohen-Watnick
 * 1) Ezra Cohen-Watnick
 * 1) Michael Ellis
 * 1) Michael Ellis
 * 1) Patriotic Millionaires
 * 1) Patriotic Millionaires
 * 1) Sean Hannity
 * 1) Sean Hannity

No Puppet! No Puppet! You're The Puppet!

 * 1) Blaming the Klan on modern Democrats is like blaming the Unabomber on the Montana Territory, which I do so nyeh
 * 2) "Liberals, much like Hitler, are under demonic control"
 * 3) Obama is "engaging with domestic terrorists" to take down Trump. Wait, domestic terrorists typically support Trump
 * 4) The more President Trump wins, the more the Dems and anti-Trump conservatives flail their arms in disgust
 * 5) The left about to eat their own. Honest, reasonable Democrats have no place in their party anymore
 * 6) Something is straining the relationship between President Trump and President Obama. They used to be BFFs; I'm not sure what happened
 * 7) LA Times says that while Al Gore had an inconvenient truth, Donald Trump has inconvenient realities