Defying GOP's Wet Dream of One Party Rule of U.S. Government

"The party of Lincoln and Liberty was transmogrified into the party of hairy-backed swamp developers and corporate shills, faith-based economists, fundamentalist bullies with Bibles, Christians of convenience, freelance racists, misanthropic frat boys, shrieking midgets of AM radio, tax cheats, nihilists in golf pants, brownshirts in pinstripes, sweatshop tycoons, hacks, fakirs, aggressive dorks, Lamborghini libertarians, people who believe Neil Armstrong’s moonwalk was filmed in Roswell, New Mexico, little honkers out to diminish the rest of us, Newt’s evil spawn and their Etch-A-Sketch president, a dull and rigid man suspicious of the free flow of information and of secular institutions, whose philosophy is a jumble of badly sutured body parts trying to walk. Republicans: The No.1 reason the rest of the world thinks we’re deaf, dumb and dangerous." --Garrison Keillor, "We’re Not in Lake Wobegon Anymore" August 26, 2004

General Information

 * 1) The Left is putting its eggs in the protest basket
 * 2) Trumpführer resistance needs a short, catchy name. Your Pee Party suggestions to the right
 * 3) You want to scare Trump? Be orderly, polite, and visibly patriotic
 * 4) Skateboarding might be a crime, but peaceful protesting is not a crime
 * 5) If you picked a song to describe Donald Trump's approval rating, it would probably be "I'll Tumble 4 Ya"
 * 6) Studies show that showing up and yelling at your congressperson is actually very helpful
 * 7) Twitter CEO claims US is having an 'Arab Spring' moment similar to color revolutions around the world. I'm not so sure about color, although I'll admit our government's gone to plaid
 * 8) The Democratic Tea Party; Now with correctly spelled signs, people who weigh less than 350lbs and supporters who have to take time off from actual jobs
 * 9) Hey white people, Jews, immigrants and Muslims: welcome to the America black people have been living in for the past 398 years. Have a seat, we'll get through this together
 * 10) Now that the shoe's on the other foot, some are getting worried. They haven't realized we all will be sending our shoes to Russia if we don't grow up
 * 11) Look, resisting is fun and all, but $1,500 a week is barely enough to keep me in pink pussy hats and a complete state of moral indignation. I need a raise. And some PTO dammit
 * 12) Majority of Americans support a special investigation into Russiaghazi and the recusal of Forrest Sessions

Reality, History

 * 1) Director of Anne Frank Center responds to Trump administration's demand for praise after they finally acknowledged anti-Semitism maybe might be real: "What universe are these people living in?"

February 17, 2017

 * 1) Mark Your Calendar. The US is preparing for its first ever nationwide general strike

General

 * 1) GOP is reconsidering Town Hall meetings after Republican politicians get called out repeatedly on their bullshiat by constituents
 * 2) Of the 88 scheduled GOP town halls so far, 35 of them are for just one dude in Wisconsin
 * 3) Spicer says town hall protesters are fake. The news is also fake. Anything not pro-Trump is fake. The Trump White House: chock filled with lunatics. Hey, stop being fake. Your opinion is fake. Fake
 * 4) GOP: we can't go to townhall meetings, that's where someone shot Gabby Giffords. Gabby: put your big boy panties on, man up and attend your fraking meetings already you bunch of whiny crybaby losers
 * 5) Kellyanne Conway to angry town hall constituents: Solve your own problems, we're just in this for the grift
 * 6) Democratic members of congress are not having to put up with the public humiliations that are plaguing their Republican colleagues are enduring. No, it's not because their constituents love them it's because they're avoiding having town hall meetings
 * 7) "Talk about snowflakes who can dish it out but can't take it"
 * 8) Are the Town Hall Revolts working?
 * 9) GOP congressman says holding town halls is like being yelled at in a ritual "that the Orientals used to do"

Aurora, Colorado

 * 1) After voting to repeal the Affordable Care Act, Colorado Congressman Mike Coffman (R-epugnant) sneaks out the back door prematurely when asked what he's going to replace Obamacare with
 * 2) Congress is hearing it from all sides after right wingers realized that Obamacare was the same as the ACA

Roseville, California

 * 1) Republican U.S. Congressman from California holds town hall about the Affordable Care Act, with predictable outcome

Certainly Not Knoxville, Tennessee

 * 1) Ayn Rand loving, boot strappy, manly man Republican Congressman refuses to hold open town hall meeting because he might actually hear something he doesn't like and he just can't handle that sort of thing right now

Cottonwood Heights, Utah

 * 1) But her emails?
 * 2) Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-unaway) claims paid agitators protested at his town hall. Should have been worried about masked, armed people who rushed guards to try getting in. "They exercised their open-carry right. But it's obviously a challenge for us"

Yertle, Kentucky

 * 1) Yertle flees Kentucky tarmac in an SUV to avoid protesting constituents, arrives at his home to discover the protesters were outside there too

Los Angeles

 * 1) Congresswoman Karen Bass holds town hall with everybody pretty much agreeing with each other that Trump's agenda is terrible

Pittsburgh

 * 1) Another republican ducks out of a public discussion because of a large, confrontational crowd - of 24 people

Blackstone, Virginia

 * 1) The guy who took out Eric Cantor has another trick up his sleeve for Republicans: how to survive their town halls

Maquoketa, Iowa

 * 1) Iowa Senator Joni Ernst, the hog farmer who bragged about castrating pigs and wearing bread bags on her feet, held a town hall where angered GOP voters who felt betrayed chanted "YOUR LAST TERM"

West Fork, Arkansas

 * 1) Voter completely owns GOP Rep. Steve Womack: "You guys wasted a lot of money on Benghazi, waste a little on Trump" (w/video goodness)

Not Vista, California

 * 1) Darrell Issa to skip town hall meeting so he can spend more time trying to impeach Hillary

Not McDonough, Georgia

 * 1) Senator David Perdue (R-Georgia): Facing my constituents isn't my style

Springdale, Arkansas

 * 1) Let's see if Sen. Tom Cotton's bold strategy to confront 100% paid protesters pays off
 * 2) Tom Cotton (R) has at least enough balls left to show up at his town-hall meeting. Let's see how that is gOH MY

Metairie, Louisiana

 * 1) NaDHa'ghach - 'you have no honor'. Republican congressman subjected to klingon ritual of discommendation. claims he was framed by the Ferengi

Syria

 * 1) How bad are these town halls getting for Republicans? John McCain would rather make unannounced visits to war zones than go home to his constituents

Sartell, Minnesota

 * 1) Even the Republican town halls are nice in MN: Oh you better don't stop supporting Trump and stop threatening to repeal Obamacare, I may have to vote Democratic next election, dontchaknow

Lawrenceburg, Kentucky

 * 1) Yertle has outlived his usefulness, according to town hall attendees

Tampa, Florida

 * 1) Since he's been refusing to hold one on his own, Progressive activists held a "town hall meeting" featuring a cardboard cutout of Marco Rubio in place of the Senator. Unclear if anyone could tell the difference

Diminish Democracy, New York

 * 1) Ummm yep, that's our New York Republican Rep. Peter King, spineless on the outside... and still rotten on the inside

Kenosha, Wisconsin

 * 1) Paul Ryan's constituents host town hall without him, talk to empty chair representing the master of Stockholm Syndrome
 * 2) Wherefore art thou, Paul Ryan's balls?

El Espacio Seguro, Florida

 * 1) Marco Rubio is avoiding town halls due to "liberal activists." Because all Republicans love him, you see

Verizon, North Carolina

 * 1) NC Senator Thom Tillis bravely scheduled a town hall meeting. That took place via telephone

Frost, Texas

 * 1) Texas congressman Joe "The Oil Gargler" Barton repeatedly insists that beating women is a state's rights issue, then yells at his constituents to shut up when they disagree with his rampant idiocy

Cedar Rapids, Iowa

 * 1) Slavishly devoted Trump supporter and Iowa senator Joni Ernst is holding a town hall in Cedar Rapids today. No word if she'll show up wearing bread bags on her feet

Boycotts

 * 1) Well, no need for that Trump wine boycott. It's sold out
 * 2) The liberal boycott of Ivanka's clothing line was an outstanding success; best performing weeks in the history of the brand

Citizens

 * 1) If you picked "three days before the inauguration" as the moment when the first protester would try to light himself on fire in front of the Trump International Hotel, your prize is waiting for you (Theodore De Mont)
 * 2) Senate confirmation hearing for AG-nominee Jeff Sessions interrupted by hecklers, KKK attendees
 * 3) Protester booted from Sessions confirmation for laughing at idea he treats 'all people equally'
 * 4) Most of the 230 rioters arrested in Washington D.C. following Donald Trump's inauguration will be charged with felony rioting, which carries a punishment of up to 10 years in jail and $25k fine
 * 5) B-b-but Project Veritas assured us that Bannon said we wouldn't be prosecuted if we did his bidding
 * 6) Petition on Whitehouse.gov calling for Trump to release his tax returns has 250,000 signatures. That means he's got to release them, right?
 * 7) A half-dozen reporters have been arrested and hit with felony riot charges (possible 10 years, $25,000) for filming the unrest during Trump's inauguration
 * 8) Trump's unpresidented meltdown proves protest works
 * 9) Donald Trump has no idea how terrifying lawyers working for free, a blue book and a Lexis password can be. He's about to find out
 * 10) Comcast protests Trump immigration order, holds rally between the hours of 2-4 pm
 * 11) You have to give credit where credit is due: Trump has certainly gotten people re-engaged in the civic process again. Senate Switchboard has been receiving an average of 1.5 MILLION calls a day from angry constituents in the last two weeks
 * 12) Bowling Green fundraiser set up to fleece the rubes
 * 13) PostcardsForBannon
 * 14) White House getting a lot of postcards addressed to President Bannon, which is making our incredibly rational actual President chuckle with delight
 * 15) WhyTrumpIsGreat.com
 * 16) A list of all the reasons Trump is great and you libs can suck it
 * 17) Impeach President Bannon signs appearing across America. Bannon's puppet, Trump, said to be very irritated. Donnie is great inspiration for practical jokers across America
 * 18) You know, it's getting so's you can't even hold a private meeting with fatcat business leaders in your state without a bunch of constituents showing up outside and acting like they have a right to be heard and ask you questions or something
 * 19) Open Records group
 * 20) B-b-but his emails? Open government group releases the first 1,500 of 7,500 pages of emails that they received under an Open Record Act lawsuit, that newly installed EPA chief Scott Pruitt sent during his days as Oklahoma's Attorney General
 * 21) Ladies and Gentlemen, the trolls who won CPAC
 * 22) The end result of climbing Trump Tower to make a political statement is that you are now banned from contacting him via Twitter. Sounds like a good trade off
 * 23) National Cheese Doodle Day
 * 24) "Today is the day when all patriotic Americans will show President Trump all the respect he deserves"
 * 25) Trump is making America so great that Blacks, Latinos, and Whites all agree that race relations are getting worse since he took office. Asians? No idea. Great people, Asians. The best
 * 26) 21st Century Bastards
 * 27) The new toy collection we've all been waiting for: "21st Century Bastards - asshole action figures for the darkest timeline"
 * 28) Planned Parenthood aborts Trump's offer to fund them if they stop providing their least-used service that isn't even covered by government funding
 * 29) The beginning skirmishes of the looming battle are breaking out in California. Bonus: the police just watched
 * 30) Wait, do you hear that music at the anti-Trump rally? OH MAH GOD IT'S KAINE
 * 31) Plastic Jesus
 * 32) Looking to spruce up that abandoned lot? How about a Future Internment Camp sign?
 * 33) Day Without A Woman
 * 34) Hey, you know that Women's March Strike that's supposed to happen today? It's being coordinated by an organization whose leadership is all male
 * 35) Statue of Liberty undergoes metaphor renovation
 * 36) The Left's version of O'keefe is low energy, didn't even dress up for this, sad
 * 37) Ex NC Governor Pat McCrory: Some people won't hire me just because I spearheaded blatantly discriminatory legislation that damaged the reputation of my state and incompetently managed the fallout. Can you imagine the nerve?
 * 38) Satire
 * 39) Learn to loot, smash skulls, and scream the right way in this Protest Safety Simulator


 * 1) @BurnedYourTweets
 * 2) Fernand Pajot, The Out Group
 * 3) Patriotic Millionaires group of wealthy Utahans
 * 1) Fernand Pajot, The Out Group
 * 2) Patriotic Millionaires group of wealthy Utahans
 * 1) Patriotic Millionaires group of wealthy Utahans

Running for Public Office

 * 1) An American comes up with a brilliant gun violence prevention system, but first a lot of people had to die

Scientists

 * 1) Grab your lab coat: scientists are planning a March on DC
 * 2) Scientists yesterday: We need to march on Washington. Scientists today: fark it, let's run for office
 * 3) Scientists have determined through careful study that the Trump Administration is filled with looney anti-science crackpots. They used a double-blind study and common sense to arrive at these findings
 * 4) Stephen Hawking
 * 5) Donald Trump's abhorrent science denial finally rouses Stephen Hawking's fury. Crush him in the claws of your giant mecha-suit, Stephen, crush him
 * 6) Neil deGrasse Tyson Black Science Man
 * 7) Neil deGrasse Tyson: Trump's Budget Will Make America Weak, Sick & Stupid. Obvious tag is really getting a workout this morning

Juggalos

 * 1) First, Donald Trump awoke the fury of women, who marched on DC. Then he angered scientists enough to organize their own March. But now...now...he has awoken the fury of the Juggalos

Celebrities

 * 1) Meryl Streep brings down the house during her Lifetime Achievement award acceptance speech. Donald Trump to declare war on Hollywood in 3... 2...
 * 2) Donald Trump can't handle Meryl Streep's criticism, so he goes on Twitter and calls her a "Hillary lover" and a Hollywood hippie
 * 3) Overrated Meryl Streep gets record breaking 20th Oscar nomination. Trump gnashes his teeth and threatens to arrest all of Hollywood
 * 4) Kal Penn took a racist troll's Twitter post and turned it into a fundraiser for Syrian refugees ... and raised over $200,000 in less than 24 hours
 * 5) Julia Louis-Dreyfus gave one of the best speeches at an awards show tonight, castigating the president and his heinous actions
 * 6) Trump has lost the support of the highly coveted gay fish demographic
 * 7) Spicer's daily briefing- blah blah blah. I'll never be able to look at that guy without seeing Melissa McCarthy now
 * 8) That's quite a photograph Rosie O'Donnell has on her Twitter profile
 * 9) As Alec Baldwin gets ready to host SNL for a record 17th time, he explains the secret to his near-perfect Trump impression: "We're just repeating back what he says"
 * 10) American wrestler in Mexico has taken on the persona of Donald Trump, to jeers and boos from the crowd, as he predictably loses matches against Mexican wrestling heroes
 * 11) 16-year-old who sang national anthem at Trump's inauguration has already turned on him over transgender bathroom issue. Trump expected to tweet "She can't sing and is kinda chunky. Ivanka was much hotter at 16. SAD." at any minute
 * 12) Caitlyn Jenner: "I never thought the leopards would eat MY face"
 * 13) "There's this fear that transgender kids are using it as a ruse to sneak into restrooms and grab people by the genitals. If you're looking for the kind of person who would do that, you need to look no further than the Oval Office. He's right there"
 * 14) George Takei breaks down the difference between 'access' and 'covered'
 * 15) Alec Baldwin is very open to the idea of playing Trump at the annual White House Press Correspondents' dinner, in fact, he's actually lobbying for the position
 * 16) While pussies are talking about leaving America to run away from Trump, Captain Picard wants to come to America and become a citizen to fight Trump
 * 17) If you were wondering how SNL would portray Kellyanne Conway's 'sofa-gate' moment, you won't be disappointed
 * 18) Let's check in on the only Russian Trump *hasn't* talked to
 * 19) There weren't any MFing immigrants on the MFing slave ships
 * 20) John Oliver really, really hates Trumpcare and everything the GOP is trying to do with the ACA, so he is again trying to reach Trump by purchasing airtime on Fox & Friends and airing another commercial targeting the DC audience
 * 21) Donald Trump, Sarah Palin, and Sully Sullenberger to appear at ACLU benefit

Athletes

 * 1) Patriot's Martellus Bennett refuses to visit White House following Super Bowl victory. "It is what it is. People know how I feel about it. Just follow me on Twitter"
 * 2) At this rate, Trump will be taking a group photo with approximately two of the New England Patriots
 * 3) "Well, you know what's interesting, this is our fifth Super Bowl in the last 16 years and every time we've had the privilege of going to the White House, a dozen of our players don't go. This is the first time it's gotten any media attention"
 * 4) American wrestler in Mexico has taken on the persona of Donald Trump, to jeers and boos from the crowd, as he predictably loses matches against Mexican wrestling heroes

Students

 * 1) Milo Yiannopoulos at UC Berkeley
 * 2) Milo Yiannopoulos appearance at Berkeley cancelled after rioters set fire to buildings in protest
 * 3) Milo Yiannopoulos calls Berkeley riots 'ironic and self-defeating,' having correctly identified the Democratic party strategy for the past eight years
 * 4) UC Berkeley poised for surge in private donations
 * 5) Good news: Controversial protest at UC Berkeley succeeds. Bad news: At driving pre-sales of Milo Yiannopoulos's new book through the roof
 * 6) Police congratulated for showing great restraint during riots at UC Berkeley by doing nothing and letting the angry mob cause injuries and damage
 * 7) An investigation is revealing that the rioters at UC Berkely the other night were not UC students
 * 8) Ann Coulter at UC Berkeley

Other Countries

 * 1) Germany erects wall around America and the tourists love it
 * 2) Small towns all over the world are passing resolutions stating Donald Trump is not welcome, to the amusement of residents of those places: "Why would Trump visit Gateshead? The only excitement here is the traffic lights changing on the High Street"
 * 3) Swedish PM makes fun of Trump with signing picture
 * 4) Miles de personas protestan contra Trump en la Ciudad de México
 * 5) American wrestler in Mexico has taken on the persona of Donald Trump, to jeers and boos from the crowd, as he predictably loses matches against Mexican wrestling heroes
 * 6) Victims of the Bowling Green massacre have some Swedish comrades today. Fark needs a Trump tag
 * 7) Swedish paper mocks Trump: A moose fell in love on Friday, weather closed roads but no terror attack
 * 8) Sweden's former prime minister reminds everyone there were more murders in Florida ,where Trump spoke, than in the entire country of Sweden last year
 * 9) After 1,800,000 sign petition, British Parliament to hold 3-hour debate on whether to refuse Donald Trump the honor of a state visit due to his "well-documented misogyny and vulgarity". Bollocks. Arsebiscuits
 * 10) Girl Guides of Canada
 * 11) Trump's travel ban preventing certain groups from coming into US. Do those groupds groups include A: Al Queda? B: ISIS? or C: The Canadian version of the Girl Scouts?

Foreign Leaders

 * 1) Peruvian President Kuczynski has taken a strong stand against Trump's "America First" agenda, which caught Trump off guard, as he assumed all Russians were behind him 100 percent
 * 2) Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau invites Ivanka trump to the Broadway premier of "Come From Away"-a musical about a Canadian town that welcomed all the stranded US air travellers (refugees) on 9/11-or that's what they're telling Jared anyway
 * 3) Mayor Sadiq Khan (Labour Party, London)

Foreign Cartoonists

 * 1) Foreign cartoonists inspired by Trump's first month...oh dear

American Cities

 * 1) How San Diego and Tijuana told the border wall to go f*ck itself

Anonymous

 * 1) Anonymous tells Trump to resign by February 28th or they'll - march?

Illustrators

 * 1) Hollywood illustrators, including some from Disney, Nickelodeon and DreamWorks, are collaborating on an anti-Trump children's book titled Not My President. Proceeds go to the ACLU and Planned Parenthood

Poets

 * 1) Wherefore art thou, Paul Ryan's balls?

Musicians

 * 1) Snoop Dogg finally addresses the problem that no one else will speak of: there's too much clown shiat going on
 * 2) Marco Rubio says Snoop Dogg shouldn't have shot a toy gun at a clown dressed as President Trump, possibly since second amendment solutions for problems should only be proposed by clowns
 * 3) Marco Rubio says Snoop Dogg should have been more careful about pretending to shoot a Trump clown in a video because "presidents have been assassinated before"
 * 4) With absolutely nothing else to concern himself with as President of the United States Trump tweets about "failing" Snoop Dogg. Could this be the beginning of a new West Coast-East Coast rivalry?
 * 5) Fox News host suggested that the Secret Service should kill Snoop Dogg and Bow Wow after Snoop recently made a music video in which he points a gun at a clown version of President Trump, because that's what you do in a Democracy

Readers

 * 1) President Donald Trump has been good for literature. Anti-fascist literature, that is. Trump's inauguration has caused a huge spike in sales of 'The Origins of Totalitarianism' by Hannah Arendt and 'American Fascists' by Christopher Hedges

Billionaires

 * 1) Bill Gates warns that Frank Herbert's The White Plague is about to become a reality, insists that a robust healthcare system for all peoples is the only line of defense against such an act

Local Law Enforcement

 * 1) Newly elected Latino democratic sheriff informs the federal government that their deputies will no longer serve as deputies for ICE

Wiccans

 * 1) Across the world, people reach for their robes and wizard hats

Farmers

 * 1) Jon Stewart shows up on the Late Show to offer some advice to the media

Voters

 * 1) "Hansen's 58-42 percent victory over Marino on Saturday ensured that Democrats will maintain control of the (Delaware) state Senate. It also notched a big win for a new generation of Democratic activists shocked into action by the election"

CEOs

 * 1) CEO of Campari wants to see what would happen if we got President Trump mind-bendingly drunk: "I think a Negroni would do him very good." Thus began WWIII

Statue of Liberty

 * 1) Statue of Liberty undergoes metaphor renovation

Think Tanks

 * 1) Brookings Institute
 * 2) Brookings Institute:"At least 15 million will lose their coverage under the American Health Care Act." Congressional Republicans:"We don't like your negative analysis so we'll make our own. With some spreadsheets or whatever"

American Society of Civil Engineers

 * 1) Civil engineers estimate it will cost approximately the amount of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan to fix all of America's broken shiat

Environmentalists

 * 1) Activists protest against Trump's environmental policies by hitting him where it hurts: right in the 18th hole. No, this has nothing to do with Ivanka
 * 2) The rich history of vandalizing property belonging to Donald Trump

Children's Shows

 * 1) Back in the 80s and 90s, muppet Ronald Grump repeatedly tried to gentrify Sesame Street and knock down Oscar the Grouch's trashcan for luxury developments

Businessmen
North Carolina businessman
 * 1) Jay Faison

Energy Companies

 * 1) CPS Energy

Holocaust survivors

 * 1) Bernard Marks

Net neutrality activists

 * 1) Adam McElhaney self-described net neutrality activist

Former Presidents

 * 1) Former president to current president: That's not how you president, you chucklef*ck
 * 2) Barack Obama responds to Trump's claims that the Muslim ban is just an extension of Obama's own policies: "Get the fark out of here with those miniature hands, Cheeto"
 * 3) GWB believes the media is "indispensable to democracy," though, to be fair, he does not know what indispensable means

Former Vice Presidents

 * 1) Diamond Joe Biden launches charitible foundation to provide desperately needed cases of Hurricane High Gravity malt liquor and Molly Hatchet albums to hot unwed mothers
 * 2) Uncle Joe drift-slides his Trans-Am into a parking space at the Newseum in DC, hops out, whips off his shades, strolls up to the podium, and proceeds to give the Trump administration what-fer over its attacks on the media and judiciary
 * 3) University launches Biden research and policy institute, to focus on economic reform, civil rights and the proper techniques for washing a Trans-Am
 * 4) {{nom}{{koch}}
 * 1) {{nom}{{koch}}

Children of Former Presidents

 * 1) Jenna Bush uses her father's words to rebuke Trump on his immigration ban
 * 2) Planned Parenthood about to see a lot more Bush than usual
 * 3) She was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted in writing a children's book

Former Nixon Staffers

 * 1) John Dean
 * 2) When the lawyer who defended Nixon and was jailed for Watergate thinks you're a bad dude, it's probably best to have a think about your conduct
 * 3) Former Nixon White House Counsel John Dean: The actions of the Trump White House in response to the Russia story seem AWFULLY familiar to me...wait, don't tell me, it'll come to me any second

Former Presidential Candidates

 * 1) Not Sure for president

Former Cabinet Secretaries

 * 1) Robert Reich lectures sheriff on living in a fact-free world, making up statistics about immigrant crimes

Former Speakers of the House

 * 1) Former leader of the Orangemen and Lord High Derper, John Boehner tells a conference of health care executives that a repeal and replacement of Obamacare is "not going to happen" adding under his breath "I told those dumb farks that years ago"

Former Career Diplomats

 * 1) America's most senior diplomat just left government service, and after serving six presidents is now able to speak his mind publicly: "What the fark, man?"

Former Directors of the CIA

 * 1) Fmr CIA Director Michael Hayden slams pro-Trump media for peddling 'illegitimate' and 'non-fact-based worldview', perhaps forgetting for a moment that this is all they know how to do

former Rep. David Jolly (R FL 13th)

 * 1) Former Republican congressman to Trump: STFU and GBTW. If only current Republican Congresspeople would start talking like this, stuff might actually get done
 * 2) So we've ALL been thinking it, but credit goes to former Rep. David Jolly (R-FL) for being the first to come out and say it publicly: President Donald Trump isn't "intellectually qualified" to be president

former Governor of Ohio, John Kasich

 * 1) Not Sure for president

former Speaker of the House, John Boehner

 * 1) Former leader of the Orangemen and Lord High Derper, John Boehner tells a conference of health care executives that a repeal and replacement of Obamacare is "not going to happen" adding under his breath "I told those dumb farks that years ago"

former Rep. Gabriel Giffords (D AZ 8th)

 * 1) GOP: we can't go to townhall meetings, that's where someone shot Gabby Giffords. Gabby: put your big boy panties on, man up and attend your fraking meetings already you bunch of whiny crybaby losers

Retired Military

 * 1) Admiral who oversaw the mission to get Osama bin Laden says Donald Trump is the worst threat to democracy he's ever witnessed

Former White House Ethics lawyers

 * 1) What exactly did Jeff Sessions say to the Russian ambassador and when did he know it?

Federal Government Employees

 * 1) You don't say

Rogue websites

 * 1) Social media postings from the official US Department of Defense accounts sometimes provide an important window into a person's #mentalhealth. Know what to look for
 * 2) Badlands National Park Twitter account goes rogue, starts tweeting scientific facts about climate change in defiance of President Trump
 * 3) Official Death Valley National Park feed now rogue, posting about Japanese internment camps. This is in addition to resistance from Badlands and @AltNatParkSer
 * 4) NASA has decided to make all the scientific research it funds absolutely free and available online. I wonder what brought this on. Hmm, I guess We'll never know
 * 5) Liberals can't stop falling for erotic political fan fiction in the age of Trump
 * 6) We can't investigate any Russian connections, we are far too busy investigating this

Resignations

 * 1) Entire State Department senior management team resigns
 * 2) Trump: "The Border Patrol endorses me." US Border Patrol Chief: "Hasta la vista"
 * 3) "I was a Muslim in Trump's White House. I lasted 8 days"
 * 4) "I didn't think I'd ever leave the CIA. But because of Trump, I quit"
 * 5) That "I quit the CIA because of Trump" guy that lit up the internets? Yep, big Clinton donor. WaPo has to admit it after the internets and even Wolf Blitzer looked it up

USDA

 * 1) USDA tells its employees to GBTW and ignore President Trump, who is clearly an idiot

Acting Attorney General Sally Yates

 * 1) The person responsible for sacking the people ordering immigrants to be detained has been sacked
 * 2) A reminder: Trump did not fire Flynn, but he fired the woman who warned him Flynn was compromised

Miscellaneous Federal Agencies

 * 1) Trump to federal agencies: YOU WILL BOW TO ME NOW Said agencies: Ummm, how about no

State Department

 * 1) The little people at the State Department are revolting

James Mattis
Secretary of Defense
 * 1) Republicans upset with Sec Def Mattis because he is proving too responsible and independent with his appointment, refusing to appoint political operatives or to push for an increase to the defense budget as they are demanding

Following Orders

 * 1) National Park Service releases hundreds of ground and arial photographs of President Trump's inauguration and yup, looks like we can expect an incoming tweet storm

GAO
Government Accountability Office

Middle Fingers
Secretary of Defense
 * 1) State Department going rogue, activating Dissent Channel over Trump's immigration order
 * 2) State Dept. dissenters turn towards encrypted text messages in order to express their dissent, which is still the highest form of patriotic
 * 3) Leaked memo from the EPA reveals no one at the agency--including its new director--knows what the hell is going on with the agency now that Trump's in charge of everything
 * 4) Labor Department Employees: "Hey, ya know, maybe the guy we have repeatedly fined and who refers to his own employees as 'the worst of the worst' isn't the best pick for Labor Secretary"
 * 5) US military: ignore Trump, mitigate against climate change
 * 6) "In case it wasn't clear, blue-state legislatures are not only in full frontal rebellion against President Donald Trump, they're trolling him"
 * 7) Nothing to see here, just the four star General head of the U.S. Special Operations Command publicly questioning whether or not the Nation has a stable Government. Carry on
 * 8) The FBI is feeling a little left out on the whole "let's dump every damning thing we have on Trump" frenzy, releases 1970s housing discrimination documents
 * 9) An EPA staffer (probably soon to be former) blasts Trump's new EPA boss Scott Pruitt's first speech as "condescending and hypocritical"
 * 10) Remember the memo from Homeland Security that said country of origin is an unreliable indicator of terrorist threat to US so Muslim ban unlikely to work? Well, they still think it's crap, and said most US based terrorists are radicalized while in US
 * 11) former U.S. Attorney Preet Bharara
 * 12) U.S. Attorney Bharara to President Trump: "I won't resign. I want your Keebler Elf to fire me" UPDATE: Elf obliged
 * 13) Elijah Cummings says there might be a connection between Bharara's firing and the ongoing Trump investigation. Time to bust out the "well duh" images
 * 14) Fired U.S. Attorney for New York Preet Bharara sends out a Tweet that STRONGLY suggests that he was investigating Trump when he was fired
 * 15) Gov. Chris Christie victim blames all the recently fired U.S. attorneys. "They received notice that they were leaving office. That notice was given to them by the people of the country on November 8, when they elected a Republican president"
 * 16) Trump's prosecutorial purge will harm the GOP in the long run
 * 17) Just in time for your Friday news dump- US Attorney Preet Bharara was actively investigating HHS Director Tom Price when fired
 * 18) NY AG goes after Trump for the Preet-sacking
 * 19) Congressional Budget Office
 * 20) CBO estimates 14 million people losing health insurance if American Health Act is passed
 * 21) CBO projects iPhone sales to drop by 14M in 2018, accelerate to over 24 million by 2026
 * 22) NBC Reporter: "Can we trust that what the President says is real?" Bullshiat Spice: "If he's not joking, of course"
 * 23) Newt licks himself some Trump butt. Mmm, that's good Trump butt
 * 24) James Mattis
 * 1) Trump's Secretary of a good offense: Climate change is real. It's happening now and we need to take it seriously. Trump's future reply: Well kiss my grits

Other government(s)/official(s)
New York Attorney General
 * 1) Trump-o-matic immunity? It's been revoked
 * 2) Lawmakers from around the country introducing legislation for the sole purpose of annoying Trump
 * 3) Eric Schneiderman


 * 1) Rex Tillerson may not be a firm believer in Climate Change, but his intra-company alias Wayne Tracker believed that it was about to get hot enough to pop popcorn on the sidewalk
 * 2) Mayor Mitch Landrieu (D, New Orleans)
 * 3) Mayor says Trump's budget would be 'devastating' to New Orleans, and that city knows a thing or two about devastation

The Courts
U.S. District Court, Honolulu
 * 1) The U.S. Court of Appeals for the 9th Circuit announced, at a time they knew Trump would be wide awake, that they have denied the Department of Justice's emergency motion to lift the travel ban restraining order
 * 2) Judge tells Trump not to question the legitimacy of judges when his own presidency itself is legitimately in question
 * 3) Turns out that you actually DO have to commit a crime before the GOP can punish you for it. Go figure
 * 4) It's a pretty sad time in America's history when basically any story about a success in promoting free and fair elections starts off: "In a vital win for Democrats"
 * 5) SCOTUS rules 5-3 that if one of your Jurors is a stone cold racist in the Jury room, and votes to convict because of your race, you win a brand, new, TRIAL. In dissent were Justices Alito, Roberts, and, of course, Thomas
 * 6) "President Donald Trump's revised travel ban executive order suffered its first legal setback Friday as a federal judge blocked the directive's potential impact on the family of a Syrian refugee living in Wisconsin"
 * 7) Judge Derrick K. Watson
 * 1) Barring a court ruling, travel ban takes effect at midnight. This IS a repeat
 * 2) Federal judge to Trump: What part of "you can't have a Muslim travel ban" did you not understand the first time around, dumbass?
 * 3) Five GOP judges supported the travel ban
 * 4) Maryland judge likes the cut of Hawaii judge's jib, and issues another ban on Trump's travel ban. So for those playing along at home: The revised ban has been banned and banned again
 * 5) "How does 'no' sound to you? What, you don't like that word? Better get used to it"

NPR
National Public Radio

Morning Joe
hosts Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski

Shepard Smith
poor, poor Shepard Smith

Don Lemon
those aren't lemons

Trudy Ring
reporter, The Advocate

Anderson Cooper
CNN host

Abby D. Phillips
national political reporter for The Washington Post

Joe Perticone
congressional reporter, Independent Journal Review

Masha Gessen
journalist, author

Financial Post
English Canadian business newspaper

Talking Points Memo
online librul msm

Angela Rye
CNN commentator

Katy Tur
MSNBC reporter

Graydon Carter
Vanity Fair editor-in-chief, first exposed "short-fingered vulgarian"

Jezebel
Jalopnik's SJW sister site

Seth Abramson
freelance journalist

Andrea Mitchell
chief Foreign Affairs correspondent for NBC News

Juliette Kayyem
 author, national security analyst for CNN

Ted Koppel
special contributor, CBS News Sunday Morning

Jon Lovett
former Obama speechwriter

Joy-Ann Reid
MSNBC host

April Ryan
correspondent, American Urban Radio Networks

Trevor Noah
host of "The Daily Show"

Major Garrett
CBS News chief White House correspondent

WHCD
White House Correspondents Dinner
 * 1) Vanity Fair, New Yorker back out of White House Correspondents' Association events after deciding this is not for them
 * 2) CNN considers skipping White House correspondents' dinner because they'll be too busy creating "fake news"
 * 3) Trump still has flashbacks to getting his ass handed to him the last time he went
 * 4) The last president to skip the White House Correspondents' Dinner only did so because he'd just been shot in the chest. And he still picked up the phone and called in
 * 5) Alec Baldwin is very open to the idea of playing Trump at the annual White House Press Correspondents' dinner, in fact, he's actually lobbying for the position

Alphabet/Google

 * 1) In a move that will rustle no jimmies whatsoever, Google Doodle remembers Fred Korematsu this morning
 * 2) Do evil

Budweiser

 * 1) America The Beer prepares to be deported on Sunday
 * 2) Trump supporters want to boycott Budweiser because new commercial portrays immigrant founder in a positive fashion

Harley Davidson

 * 1) Harley Davidson to Trump, "Everyone hates you and if you come to our factory they'll hate us"

Twitter

 * 1) Twitter sending 159 million characters to ACLU

Nordstrom's

 * 1) Nordstrom to Ivanka Trump's fashion line: You're fired
 * 2) White House press secretary Spicer announces Nordstrom's decision to drop Ivanka Trump's fashion line is a direct attack on the President. Coming up next: USA declares war on Nordstrom
 * 3) Nordstrom stock jumps after Trump tantrum
 * 4) The liberal boycott of Ivanka's clothing line was an outstanding success; best performing weeks in the history of the brand

Blizzard Entertainment

 * 1) Blizzard Entertainment criticizes Trump over travel ban, insists only they know how to properly throw a ban hammer

Marshall's, Neiman Marcus, TJ Maxx

 * 1) Ivanka Trump's merchandise available at T.J. Maxx trashbins near you
 * 2) The liberal boycott of Ivanka's clothing line was an outstanding success; best performing weeks in the history of the brand

xHamster

 * 1) When your state thinks even opt-in sex ed is too much, Porn to the rescue

Various Restaurants

 * 1) Not news: There is now a "The Donald" sandwich, which consists of two slices of moist, wonderful, white bread, a yuge slab of bologna, and a slice of American cheese. Fark: Its creator is a Republican immigrant that has strongly opposed Donnie JT
 * 2) Seattle sandwich shop channels its future public school education to welcome Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education
 * 3) Tired of President Trump headlines? Sit down and try some of this creative pizza

Sears/K-Mart

 * 1) Kmart, Sears shelves become even more bare as they too drop Ivanka Trump merchandise
 * 2) The liberal boycott of Ivanka's clothing line was an outstanding success; best performing weeks in the history of the brand

Burlington Coat Factory

 * 1) Burlington Coat Factory becomes the latest discount retailer to drop Ivanka Trump's overpriced fashion line
 * 2) The liberal boycott of Ivanka's clothing line was an outstanding success; best performing weeks in the history of the brand

Under Armor

 * 1) Under Armor CEO takes out full page ad so that there's no confusion as to how he feels about Trump's policies

dating app Hater

 * 1) Q: What's better than a giant image projected in NYC showing Putin lovingly spooning a very pregnant Trump? A: Nothing. Absolutely nothing

United Airlines

 * 1) Odd: United Airlines passengers rejoicing. Awesome: Because the flight crew kicked two feral Trumpers off the plane for harassing a Pakistani couple. (w/video)

Cards Against Humanity

 * 1) Cards Against Humanity creator sends a copy of new game Secret Hitler to each senator, so they can practice helping/hindering the rise of the next great dictator

Facebook

 * 1) Facebook is marking InfoWars links as "spam", regardless of whether Alex Jones appears shirtless

McDonald's

 * 1) McDonald's Corporate Twitter account calls Trump "a disgusting excuse of a President." Wow, guess they are still really bitter about that whole "bucket of KFC chicken" photo op during the campaign

Not Helping

 * 1) Anti-Trump protestors in New Haven show their class by blocking an ambulance from getting to the hospital

Bill Maher

 * 1) Bill Maher takes full credit for the fall of Milo Yiannopoulos
 * 2) Bill Maher, in taking credit for Milo's downfall, says "Sunlight is the best disinfectant". If that's the case, here's a bit of sunlight for Maher where he argued pretty much the same thing as MIlo
 * 3) The awfulness of Bill Maher

"Lucy"
creator of KittenFeed.com
 * 1) Having solved all the nation's problems and secured his legacy, President Trump turns his sights on teen who created website where you can punch Trump's face using a cat's paw