Drumpfster Fire

A compilation of Fark threads related to the dumpster fire that is the administration of the 45th President of the United States of America.

=Head Toupee=

Nicknames
''This section will provide the many nicknames this asshole has earned, with credit when known. They are in approximate order of appearance on the internet.

For the full, categorized list, please visit this page 


 * 1) short-fingered vulgarian (Spy magazine's Graydon Carter and Kurt Andersen)
 * 2) tiny fingered, Cheeto-faced, ferret wearing shitgibbon (@MetalOllie via Twitter)
 * 3) Flim flam fuhrer
 * 4) Deadbeat Donnie
 * 5) President Joffrey
 * 6) Cheeto Supreme
 * 7) fecal fingered Caligula
 * 8) Orange Mugabe
 * 9) Marmalade Mussulini
 * 10) Dynamite Shitgibbon
 * 11) Boss Tweet
 * 12) Trumplethinskin
 * 13) Kim Jong Trump
 * 14) President Asterisk
 * 15) President Daddy
 * 16) Prince Trumperdink (Carey Elwes)
 * 17) President Breaking Wind (Sir Ian McKellen via Twitter)
 * 18) ORALLY INCONTINENT PEDDLER OF FLYBLOWN MONKEY BOLLOCKS
 * 19) hairsprayed huckster
 * 20) Cheeto Guevera
 * 21) our national disgrace
 * 22) President Cheetolicious
 * 23) Super Callous Fragile Racist Sexist Nazi POTUS

Meaningless Displays of Power or Just Plain Evil or Stupid Shit

 * 1) Trump gives all current ambassadors and their families 2 weeks to GTFO
 * 2) WTF: Trump orders the resignation of the commanding officer of the Washington DC National Guard. Holy Shiat: In the middle of the inauguration ceremony
 * 3) Major General Errol Schwartz isn't being fired, he tendered his resignation as is protocol, and the timing is his choice: The Trump administration asked him to stay on a few more days to smooth the transition, and he refused
 * 4) Guess who tweeted that John Lewis is all talk and no action days before Martin Luther King day?
 * 5) Donald Trump's criticism of John Lewis results in tremendous book sales. For Lewis's memoirs
 * 6) It is considered an honor to be invited to Selma with John Lewis; he has taken members of both parties with him over the years. But Lewis said one person he will never ask to join him is Donald Trump
 * 7) Donald Trump has revealed his plans for his first two days in office - To do absolutely nothing
 * 8) In light of his lack of creativity and humanity, Trump will be eliminating the National Endowments for both Art and the Humanities
 * 9) Trump's bizarre Inaugural speechwriting photo: Taken at a Mar-A-Lago concierge's desk, while holding a Sharpie and a blank pad of paper while looking like a petulant child
 * 10) Internet has fun with Trump's inaugural speech writing photo which appears to be Trump posing in front of a pile of blank paper taken at his secretary's desk. It does appear to be the closest that Trump has ever gotten to writing something

January, 2017

 * 1) Executive Orders
 * 2) In his first act as President, Trump cancels planned mortgage insurance rate reduction, costing new FHA homeowners $500/year
 * 3) Women rush to get IUDs because of Trump. Most of them work at the White House
 * 4) Trump poised to sign executive order making it perfectly legal for him to 'disappear' people in CIA black-ops prisons, and do so without any oversight, due process, or international Red Cross monitoring. Be careful what you post here, comrades
 * 5) John McCain will fight Trump on torture. But nothing else, of course
 * 6) To the nations of the world -- we are more than happy to welcome your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. But if it's all the same -- you can just keep the deadbeats and reprobates -- and the people who want to blow us up
 * 7) Trump's appointed Secretary of Defense and CIA Director blindsided by draft of executive order requiring the CIA to revisit using torture. I don't blame them, there are only so many tweets one can keep track off
 * 8) Trump's latest executive order effectively stops US-based online companies from operating in the EU
 * 9) Meglomania, Jingoism
 * 10) In his second act as President, Trump issues proclamation for a "National Day of Patriotism". No word on if synchronized goose-stepping will be part of the festivities or not
 * 11) Donald Trump has just declared January 20th, 2017 "National Day of Patriotic Devotion". Other possible names include "Trumpoween", "TrumpsGiving" "Trumptoberfest" "Trumpsmas" "Donaldpalooza"
 * 12) Trump tells reporters that he's a "very big person" on the environment and that he has "received awards" on the environment
 * 13) Donald Trump's Patriot Day proclamation proves that he's the Chuck Tingle of Patriot Porn
 * 14) President Donald Trump still uses his unsecured Android cell phone. But he's not calling any private e-mail servers with it so we're all good
 * 15) "It's very scary to have the nuclear launch codes, but if the time comes, I'll do the right thing," vows President Trump in the most terrifying presidential interview and headline you'll see this week
 * 16) Republican Chuck Grassley reduced to begging President Trump on Twitter to issue an executive order so they can get on with oversight
 * 17) A change of rules at Voice of America will turn it into Trump's personal propaganda machine to the world - and now to the U.S. (at a cost of $800M annually to U.S. taxpayers)
 * 18) Trump to federal agencies: YOU WILL BOW TO ME NOW Said agencies: Ummm, how about no
 * 19) USDA tells its employees to GBTW and ignore President Trump, who is clearly an idiot
 * 20) Donald's foolish demonization of Federal workers
 * 21) Trump wants you to know he totally fired those quitters first
 * 22) In his first interview with the mainstream media, President Trump reveals that he believes his rambling, almost incoherent, CIA address was "one of the great speeches" because Fox said so. Also knows he's handsome and smart cause his Mom told him so
 * 23) Remember Trump's big day forever with this beautiful commemorative plate
 * 24) President Donald Trump is going to publish a list of crimes committed by immigrants for public display. The Nazi paper 'The Criminal Jew,' did the same, publishing photos of Jews who had committed crimes
 * 25) President Emotional Problems absolutely had his hand photo-shopped to look bigger to hang it in the white house
 * 26) White House photoshopping images of President Trump to make his hands look bigger. No, seriously (w/proof). Update: Fake News
 * 27) WaPo pounces on fake news story about official photos being photoshopped to give the current president bigger hands. It's nice to know that WaPo is there to aggressively debunk such stories when absolutely nothing is at stake
 * 28) And so it begins (warning: weapons-grade derp)
 * 29) Government Websites
 * 30) One hour after inauguration Whitehouse websites for climate change, discrimination, and civil rights disappear
 * 31) So Team Trump didn't scrub all references to climate change, the Affordable Care Act, and disability rights from the White House website because of their Neanderthal ideology so much as their rank incompetence
 * 32) Spicer says, don't worry, we'll have a separate-but-equal Spanish language Blanco Casa website up soon
 * 33) Petition on Whitehouse.gov calling for Trump to release his tax returns has 250,000 signatures. That means he's got to release them, right?
 * 34) Trump lets those freeloading veterans know they aren't welcome in his swamp
 * 35) Badlands National Park Twitter account goes rogue, starts tweeting scientific facts about climate change in defiance of President Trump
 * 36) White House takes down all Spanish language content from new WhiteHouse.gov website. Spanish will return to the site when they find someone who can translate all the alternate facts
 * 37) EPA site to be scrubbed clean of climate
 * 38) Official Death Valley National Park feed now rogue, posting about Japanese internment camps. This is in addition to resistance from Badlands and @AltNatParkSer
 * 39) Remember that "rogue National Park Service" twitter? Yeah, about that
 * 40) Social media postings from the official US Department of Defense accounts sometimes provide an important window into a person's #mentalhealth. Know what to look for
 * 41) NASA has decided to make all the scientific research it funds absolutely free and available online. I wonder what brought this on. Hmm, I guess We'll never know
 * 42) That website the Depart of Labor set up to help Wells Fargo whistle-blowers come forward and shield them from retaliation? Yeah that too went "page not found" sometime after noon last Friday
 * 43) ACA
 * 44) If you live in a red state, you may have already lost your health insurance. File a claim and see what happens
 * 45) ACA will be allowed to wither and die much like the Americans that need it
 * 46) Kellyanne Conway says Trump's plan to replace Obamacare involves turn Medicaid into a block grant program that States can run as they see fit. Or, as an"alternative fact", poor people are about to be screwed six ways to Sunday
 * 47) Remember when conservatives were apoplectic over Obama not enforcing the law?
 * 48) The county that had one of the highest percentage of Trump voters is also a county with one of the highest percentage of Obamacare users, but only because "the black bomb" "put a gun to their heads" to buy it
 * 49) Red states that received Medicaid expansion have a more favorable view of the Affordable Care Act than those that don't have said expansion
 * 50) Inaugural crowd size, or lack thereof
 * 51) 'It looked like a million': Trump whines the media is lying that his inauguration crowd was small
 * 52) "The President has a large penis. While there is no way to measure everyone's penis size, the President has the biggest penis in history"
 * 53) 'Baghdad Sean': Internet rips Trump press secretary for lie that inauguration crowd was 'largest ever'
 * 54) Fox News says Trump and Spicer are wrong about inauguration crowd size. FOX NEWS. But some guy lied about the removal of the MLK bust, so there
 * 55) The New York Times plays with the idea of showing it has a spine
 * 56) The new rhetorical frame for all the lies we're going to be subjected to by the White House is "alternative facts." Bonus quote: "There's no way to really quantify crowds" because apparently Kellyanne Conway has never heard of numbers
 * 57) Secret Service slaps down White House claim that 'magnetometers' shrank inaugural crowd size
 * 58) 1. Argue with media over crowd size 2. Double down when shown facts 3. ???? 4. Hang inauguration photo in the press hall
 * 59) You're not going to believe this, but someone called the Head of the National Parks Service to make pictures of the inauguration look yuge
 * 60) CIA Address
 * 61) And NPR's balls grew three sizes that day
 * 62) Former CIA director can't believe what a childish speech Trump gave in front of the CIA. Guess he hadn't been watching Trump for the last year or so
 * 63) Transcript of Trump's speech to the CIA. Don't miss the scariest part: In Trump's mind, the law enforcement, military, and intelligence communities are all the same thing
 * 64) Remember the cheering CIA agents at Trump's speech? Turns out they're as authentic as the 'fans' who jump into the ring to answer wrestlers' challenges on WWE Raw
 * 65) Remember the cheering CIA agents at Trump's speech? Turns out they're as authentic as the 'fans' who jump into the ring to answer wrestlers' challenges on WWE Raw
 * 66) About that CIA standing ovation
 * 67) Protesters at Inaugural
 * 68) Most of the 230 rioters arrested in Washington D.C. following Donald Trump's inauguration will be charged with felony rioting, which carries a punishment of up to 10 years in jail and $25k fine
 * 69) A half-dozen reporters have been arrested and hit with felony riot charges (possible 10 years, $25,000) for filming the unrest during Trump's inauguration
 * 70) Trump's unpresidented meltdown proves protest works
 * 71) Inaugural Cake
 * 72) Cakeghazi
 * 73) The cake was not only plagiarism, it was also a lie
 * 74) "Cost cutting" measures
 * 75) Federal Hiring Freeze in play
 * 76) Trans-Pacific Partnership withdrawal to be President Trump's first executive action Monday. Right after he mocks some libs on Twitter of course
 * 77) You may want to sit down for this, but apparently Trump's cunning plan to back out of TPP may not kill it, but it will definitely ensure America doesn't even get a voice at the table
 * 78) Federal Hiring Freeze in play
 * 79) Trans-Pacific Partnership withdrawal to be President Trump's first executive action Monday. Right after he mocks some libs on Twitter of course
 * 80) CDC Vaccinates Itself
 * 81) Fiddling with regulations
 * 82) Trump says he's getting ready to cut 75% of government regulations, maybe more
 * 83) Since Trump doesn't believe in climate change, he's gone and frozen EPA funding
 * 84) Trump makes good his promise to the spacing guild. The Oil must flow
 * 85) Trump plans to begin laying pipe as soon as possible
 * 86) Under the new administration, all USDA findings must not reported to the public until further notice. Tweets included
 * 87) Gagging government employees
 * 88) EPA employees banned from social media, talking to the press. Yeah, like the press won't catch wind of this
 * 89) Stop asking "what happened to the agency news feed?", citizen
 * 90) EPA site to be scrubbed clean of climate
 * 91) All EPA scientific studies must now be vetted by a political officer. This is fine
 * 92) Fiddling with foreign relations
 * 93) Trump to impose "very major border tax." Or if you prefer the alternative spelling, "recession"
 * 94) You may want to sit down for this, but apparently Trump's cunning plan to back out of TPP may not kill it, but it will definitely ensure America doesn't even get a voice at the table
 * 95) Trump to impose "very major border tax." Or if you prefer the alternative spelling, "recession"
 * 96) Trump 2016: Evil Hillary's going to sell arms to the Saudis and the Kuwaitis. Trump 2017: His State Department approves $1.8B sale of arms to Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, and others
 * 97) He's going to do it. He is actually going to do it. Trump is planning executive orders to drastically reduce the role the US has in the UN
 * 98) So uh, by "suspending the visa interview waiver program", does that mean people from Western Europe will have to go to an embassy in order to visit the US? Bye bye tourism, I guess
 * 99) Entire State Department senior management team resigns
 * 100) Trump's policies will probably wreck the economy of Mexico
 * 101) TRUMP: Pay for the wall, or cancel your visit to the White House. NIETO: Well... bye
 * 102) Trump speaks with Mexican president Peña Nieto, insists that he'll make Mexico pay for the phone call
 * 103) On the campaign trail Trump vowed to challenge China's ascent, but the great negotiator's first move on trade policy, on his first day no less, threw America's traditional allies in Asia into China's arms
 * 104) Guacamole could be getting 20% more expensive. Thanks, Trump
 * 105) Trump's immigration ban will not apply to Muslim countries where he has businesses
 * 106) THE PRESIDENT will be meeting with someone named Teresa May later today. THERESA MAY unavailable for comment
 * 107) Do not adjust your set, the President really is that orange. Trump to hold his first official press conference as President with Theresa May (Prime Minister not porn star) - scheduled to begin at 1:00 p.m. ET
 * 108) May claims that Trump is committed to NATO. Odd that he couldn't say that himself, isn't it?
 * 109) Trump administration announces plan to fast-track Christian refugees entering the United States. Mysteriously, number of Christians fleeing persecution in the middle east increases 5000% overnight
 * 110) Trump says Syrian Christian refugees will be given priority when it comes to applying for refugee status in the United States
 * 111) Trump plans on a three-way with Putin and Merkel this weekend which probably won't be as sexy as it sounds
 * 112) Now that the Kremlin has their stooge in power, they want to talk to him about reconsidering these tiresomhe sanctions that are hurting relations between the two countries
 * 113) Threatening future home of Obama Presidential Library
 * 114) President Trump says that if Chicago doesn't get its shiat together, he is going to "send in the feds." Or release the dogs. Or the bees. Or the dogs with bees in their mouths, so when they open their mouths, they shoot bees at you
 * 115) Pussy Comitatus
 * 116) Global Gag Rule
 * 117) "Mexico City" abortion ban that has nothing to do with Mexico City and was signed by Reagan, rescinded by Clinton, re-reinstated by Bush then re-rescinded by Obama has been re-re-reinstated by Trump in this year's Wimbledon Abortion Championship
 * 118) After Trump reinstates the Mexico City Policy, the Dutch government proposes international fund to give women in developing countries access to family planning education and services. Rare dutch trifecta in play
 * 119) Sanctuary cities
 * 120) NYC Mayor De Blasio tells Trump NYC will see him in court over his executive order threatening to strip federal funding from "sanctuary cities"
 * 121) Miami becomes the first Sanctuary City to topple as Mayor Carlos Gimenez orders jails to comply with Trump's immigration crackdown
 * 122) Voting Laws
 * 123) President Trump announces plans to (inadvertently) kill the Voter ID laws in every state by disproving in-person voter fraud with "Unpresidented Bigly Huge Voter Fraud Investigation"
 * 124) Our Courageous Senate Majority Leader responds to Trump's lie on election fraud: "It does occur, There are always arguments on both sides about how much, how frequent and all the rest. ... The notion that election fraud is a fiction is not true"
 * 125) The reason Trump is so sure of voter fraud? He has it from the best sources that it occurs
 * 126) The whole millions of illegal aliens fixation Trump has comes from a story that a German golfer supposedly told where he couldn't vote in Florida and was surrounded by illegal voters. Except that golfer didn't tell the story and is not a voter
 * 127) Bernhard Langer didn't tell Trump the story about the "illegals". Trump's evidence for widespread fraud was from a story that a friend told Langer, who told it to another friend, who got it to Trump. Telephone, libs
 * 128) The source of Trump's 3 million illegal votes figure is some guy that made a voting fraud app. And owes $100k in backtaxes. And funneled state contracts to businesses he had ties to. In two state governments
 * 129) President Trump is about to destroy the P.C. thought police who say interest in valid elections is racist and that claims of fraud are nuts
 * 130) Trump was wrong when he said millions of illegals voted for Hillary. It turns out only 800,000 did. Oh, and it may have flipped some states for Hillary
 * 131) Today in concern trolling, Nancy Pelosi's thoughts and prayers are with President Trump
 * 132) Torture
 * 133) Trump poised to sign executive order making it perfectly legal for him to 'disappear' people in CIA black-ops prisons, and do so without any oversight, due process, or international Red Cross monitoring. Be careful what you post here, comrades
 * 134) John McCain will fight Trump on torture. But nothing else, of course
 * 135) The FBI, the American Psychological Association, and even the CIA say that torture does not work as a method of extracting useble information. But we're about to start toturing people again because Trump "absolutely believes" it works
 * 136) Torture works; it's great. Everybody loves torture. We're going to be the #1 exporter of torture. It's going to be great, and Mexico's going to pay for it
 * 137) Trump's appointed Secretary of Defense and CIA Director blindsided by draft of executive order requiring the CIA to revisit using torture. I don't blame them, there are only so many tweets one can keep track off
 * 138) President who considered sleeping around in the 1970s to be his own personal Vietnam does not believe that water boarding constitutes torture
 * 139) Scientist's protest
 * 140) Grab your lab coat: scientists are planning a March on DC
 * 141) Scientists yesterday: We need to march on Washington. Scientists today: fark it, let's run for office
 * 142) Juggalo protest
 * 143) First, Donald Trump awoke the fury of women, who marched on DC. Then he angered scientists enough to organize their own March. But now...now...he has awoken the fury of the Juggalos
 * 144) The Bigly Wall of Trump, The Best, Believe Me
 * 145) So it looks like that Trump won't be meeting with the President of Mexico... Ever
 * 146) Five problems with building the Great Wall of Trump. Conspicuously absent: how to get Mexico to pay for it
 * 147) Trump's policies will probably wreck the economy of Mexico
 * 148) TRUMP: Pay for the wall, or cancel your visit to the White House. NIETO: Well... bye
 * 149) Trump considers 20% tax on imports from Mexico to pay for the Wall because what do you mean NAFTA would prevent this
 * 150) Baba Yaga ascendant and minority hater Ann Coulter says taxpayers should fund the Great Wall of Intolerance as the cost is "roughly equal to therapy and hospital bills for girls raped by illegals." Last one out, turn off the lights
 * 151) Bullshiat Spice walks back on the Wall Tax
 * 152) Donald Trump and his media-facing flapping heads don't actually understand how the border adjustment tax they are advocating actually functions which is why everyone freaks out when they talk about it
 * 153) Trump's wall will eliminate the reign of terror under which Mexico's honest citizens have lived for a long time
 * 154) Vlad
 * 155) Trumpy to receive his latest orders from Master Putin on Saturday
 * 156) "Budget"
 * 157) Donald Trump: "A balanced budget is no longer important to me." Hey, remember those guys who only cared about the budget? You know, the ones who spent 8 years protesting Obama? What were their names? T-something. Damn, it's on the tip of my tongue
 * 158) Secret and Alternative Plans to Defeat Islamic State
 * 159) Trump's secretary of Defense's plan: Do everything we ridiculed Obama for

Financial Crimes Enforcement Network's (FinCEN) geographic targeting order (GTO)
federal program to investigate using luxury real estate to launder money set to expire February 23, 2017
 * 1) As if they even had to ask

Avoiding Release Of

 * 1) Petition on Whitehouse.gov calling for Trump to release his tax returns has 250,000 signatures. That means he's got to release them, right?
 * 2) Kellyanne Conway states Trump will release his taxes after previously stating he will not release his taxes, in stunning display of Alternative Tax Facts

Leaks

 * 1) "We are three days into the administration and the Trump White House leaks not so much like a sieve as a bucket with no bottom"
 * 2) An alleged mid-level White House staffer tweeted some of the things he's heard going on in the West Wing this week. The account has since been deleted

Possible Russian Interference Of 2016 POTUS Election

 * 1) FBI and 5 other agencies investigating possible financial support from Kremlin to the Trump Campaign. *rubs hands together* ...It begins
 * 2) While Trump is busy at the inauguration ceremony, US Intelligence officials will be analyzing intercepted communications and financial transactions between Russian officials and the Trump campaign

Crimes
This section will include all Fark threads related to crimes committed by the Head Toupee
 * 1) If you had 'Second Day' in your office pool for 'How long into his presidency before Trump violates Presidential Records Act,' step up and claim your prize
 * 2) The cyber security company head arrested for treason in Russia was actually a U.S. spy, and was compromised in September before his arrest. Gee, I wonder what happened in the U.S. in September that could have caused that information leak to Russia

Conflicts of Interest
This section will include all Fark threads related to conflicts of interest this asshole has himself entangled in
 * 1) NYT publishes damning look at Trump's conflicts of interest. Trump: "Hey, everyone, look over here at my batshiat insane recount tweets until this blows over"
 * 2) The ACLU is the first out of the gate to tilt at the windmills
 * 3) Redesigned White House website plugs Melania Trump's QVC jewelry line (Not safe for work images in comment section below article)
 * 4) Trump already setting records as President, with two ethics violation complaints filed against him within his first six hours
 * 5) Wikileaks now offering to post Trump's tax returns
 * 6) Trump will continue to not release his tax returns because he never said he would release his taxes. These are the alternative facts as presented by George Orwell's Kellyanne Conway
 * 7) It's not illegal for Donald Trump to hire his son-in-law as an advisor because reasons
 * 8) Trump Hotels has decided that just right now is great time to launch an expansion aimed at tripling the number of hotels they have. Look for the exicting new Trump Conflict of Interest line of Hotels to start opening next fall

Lawsuits
This section will include all Fark threads related to lawsuits filed against the Head Toupee


 * 1) Remember during the Clinton years when conservatives fought an won a long legal battle arguing that the President is not immune from responding to lawsuits while in office? They are about to REALLY regret that
 * 2) January 23, 2017; Trump sued over violating the emoluments clause
 * 3) How can you tell when the Donald and his Chief of Staff are Lying? They make a face made famous by Newt Gingrich when he was Lying his ass off, and being called on it
 * 4) Shocking news to liberals: Owning a profitable business that does business world-wide does not constitute an emolument. Just ask the first five presidents, who owned farms and plantations
 * 5) Trump held a press conference to say he was divesting from his businesses, but nobody ever got around to telling the ethics office that

=Administration= This section will provide the names and eventual scandals/crimes/general instances of incompetence associated with these assholes

Miscellaneous Institutional Stupidity

 * 1) Trump White House staff is using a private email server
 * 2) Forty-two percent of Trump voters ok with his use of private email server
 * 3) Eleven things Trump is doing behind the scenes while everyone freaks out over his Twitter shiat-posts. Come for the rescinding of laws designed to make plane crashes less frequent, stay for the EPA saying the 6000-SUX is America's best car
 * 4) Crazy grandpa still tweeting everything he sees on Fox News. Difficulty: He's President of the United States
 * 5) Washington Post finds five examples of potential voter fraud. In Trump's inner circle
 * 6) How Trump changed the presidency in seven days, the same amount of time it takes that creepy girl from the ring to emerge from your television and kill you
 * 7) Like Melania, Monica Crowley, and Scott Pruitt, another member of Team Trump caught copying off of someone else's paper. This time it seems less plagiarism and more sloppy lawyering, which is totally fine for the Chief White House Counsel right?
 * 8) All administrations encounter problems in first week, from Justice Roberts screwing up oath office with Obama, to Trump almost passing a 20% tax increase on Americans. Totally the same
 * 9) You don't say
 * 10) You might want to sit down for this one: Donald Trump's outrage over Hillary Clinton's email habits might not have been entirely sincere

Mike Pence
"Vice" President
 * 1) It is not Donald Trump we should fear; it is the radical crusader Mike Pence, whose anti-LGBT beliefs and history of misogyny are highlighted by gross incompetence
 * 2) Be careful of what you wish for Trump haters, possibly the next President of the United States will be speaking at the March for Life soon
 * 3) Apparently Mike Pence has nothing better to do than go clog up city streets on some sort of protest march today. Sad
 * 4) At the annual "March for Life" VP Mike Pence vows to marchers that he will "work with the Congress to end taxpayer funding of abortion"-which hasn't existed since 1993 when the Hyde Amendment was passed

Shadow Cabinet

 * 1) Sure Trump's normal cabinet looks pretty bad, but wait 'til you get a load of his shadow cabinet

Supreme Court Nominees

 * 1) Let's look at Trump's Supreme Court nominations, which is a lot like looking right into the Ark of the Covenant
 * 2) Place your bets on Trump's Supreme Court nominee, winners will be paid Tuesday
 * 3) Trump may force through SCOTUS nominee. "We have obstructionists." Irony tag implodes

Sean Spicer
White House Press Secretary
 * 1) (first official press conference January 21, 2017) "The President has a large penis. While there is no way to measure everyone's penis size, the President has the biggest penis in history"
 * 2) White House press secretary and Alternative Facts spokesperson is a Cosplay fan. Admit it, you want to see him as Pinkie Pie
 * 3) Spicer says, don't worry, we'll have a separate-but-equal Spanish language Blanco Casa website up soon
 * 4) Bullshiat Spice might soon find himself alternate-employed after a week on the job
 * 5) So much for the press growing a pair: Washington Post reporters praise Trump's press secretary for blatantly lying with more composure at yesterday's press conference
 * 6) Lies and the lying liars who are Sean Spicer
 * 7) Spicer tweets out his password. In case you were wondering how the nukes got launched
 * 8) Not news: White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer takes aim at CNN. News: For calling people demonstrating "demonstrators"

Kellyanne Conway
Counselor to the President
 * 1) You know you've really messed up when Merriam-Webster takes the time to call out your "alternative facts"
 * 2) Kellyanne Conway has her own Secret Service detail because she says thanks to the liberal media, she's started receiving death threats. Or maybe she started receiving fashion advice; either way, we're paying for her protection
 * 3) Networks debate whether or not they should continue interviewing emaciated ghoul and bullshiat fountain Kellyanne Conway
 * 4) Looks like more than one alt-right person was punched this weekend. Difficulty: Kellyanne Conway was the puncher
 * 5) Kellyanne Conway mistakenly calls on businesses to raise their wages to livable numbers, though she'll claim it's an alternative fact designed to get them to lower wages

Steve Bannon
White House chief strategist
 * 1) White House chief strategist Stephen Bannon lashes out at the media calling them "the opposition party" and says they should "keep their mouths shut"

Michael Flynn
National Security Adviser
 * 1) Michael Flynn's extensive Russia ties are under investigation

Reed Corish
assistant to the president for intergovernmental and technology initiatives
 * 1) Trump's latest adviser being sued for simply trying to "lighten up" the club scene

John Gore
Attorney General for Civil Rights
 * 1) Trump selects next head of DOJ Civil Rights Division - the guy who *defended* North Carolina's "bathroom bill"

Julia Hahn
special assistant to the president
 * 1) Trump hires Breitbart writer to make alternative facts great again

Alex Jones
"journalist"
 * 1) Alex Jones, who believes the 1st graders killed at Sandy Hook were paid actors and that the Air Force is creating tornadoes in the Midwest, has been given White House press credentials. Now drink your Brawndo

Peter Navarro
Director of the National Trade Council
 * 1) Donald Trump's economic advisor to CNBC: "Citigroup and JPMorgan are garbage, fake news"

Puzder, Labor Nominee

 * 1) The Carl's Jr./Hardees CEO, and Trump's Secretary of Labor nominee, just wants to make life for fast food employees better by eliminating things like minimum wage, breaks and working extra hours without pay
 * 2) Trump's really into jobs which is why his choice for Labor Secretary outsourced a bunch of them. He just wanted to make the Philippines great again

Price, Health and Human Services Nominee

 * 1) Trump's pick to lead the HHS department invested in a drug company, then introduced a bill a week later to help that same company

Pruitt, Environmental Protection Agency Nominee

 * 1) Professional Swamp Drainer Donald Trump now facing a reality where his EPA selection was just implicated in a Super PAC scandal
 * 2) Trump EPA pick would hold off on deciding to recuse himself from lawsuits until after he's had a chance to clear out the in-house ethics agency