Branch Dildonian Cast of Characters

with thanks to Sgt Otter

Sean Anderson: The rather obese gentleman who was one of the last four holdouts. Damaged several sites sacred to the local Paiute tribe with heavy construction equipment as part of their bizarre claim that they were legally entitled to the land because they were "improving it" while the government allegedly neglected it.

Ammon Bundy: Son of deadbeat rancher Cliven "Let me tell you about the Negro" Bundy. Neither a rancher nor an Oregonian. Tax deadbeat. The awful, oppressive evil government gave him a low-interest small business federal loan, when the private sector told him to shove his shiatty credit rating up his ass sideways.

Ryan Bundy: The guy with the facial paralysis. Brother of Ammon. Neither a rancher nor an Oregonian. Proudly homeschools his kids with a science curriculum that teaches Geocentrism. Despite being somewhat well off, lives in a filthy hovel that he believes he has no responsibility to maintain, because, I quote, "zoning laws are Communist." Lengthy arrest record in Utah, yet kept getting incredibly light slaps on the wrist as a repeat offender. I'm sure it has absolutely nothing to do with being a conservative Mormon good ol' boy, amirite folks?

Brian "Booda" Cavalier: Claimed to be a former U.S. Marine Scout/Sniper, with service in Iraq and Afghanistan. No military service whatsoever. An ex-con with a lengthy record, with felony convictions barring him from legally owning firearms. He's the doofus in the "Major League Sniper" hat. Allegedly left the site after his made-up military service offended the other guys with made-up military service, but later returned.

Shawna Cox: One of the few women arrested for their involvement. Filed a lawsuit against the federal government for, "damages from the works of the devil in excess $666,666,666,666.66" when she was released from custody.

Blaine Cooper: Claimed to be a U.S. Marine veteran. Signed up for the Marines under the Delayed Entry Program, never reported to USMC boot camp. Usually strutting around in Army Multi-Cam. His wife is also allegedly at the site. Has a rap sheet a mile long, and cannot legally possess firearms. That's not his original name. He legally changed it. If it sounds familiar, it's Jesse Ventura's character's name from Predator.

Bruce Doucette: Owner of a computer repair shop in Denver and self-appointed "U.S. Superior Court Judge." He announced he would form a Committee of Public Safety (people who have studied the French Revolution, enjoy your facepalm) to pick "citizen grand juries" to arrest, try, and execute anyone who interfered with the Bundy Militia.

Duane Ehmer : Became involved in the militia movement when his felony conviction barred him from legally possessing firearms.

LaVoy Finicum: Huh, an actual rancher. His "income" (his words) was running a foster kid orphanage out of his house and collecting over $110,000 annually from a government-financed charity. This capitalist libertarian hero was most likely using his foster kids as government-funded ranch hands, and still couldn't turn a profit. Was previously see hiding under a blue tarp. He was shot and killed by the Oregon State Police after running a roadblock then confronting Oregon State Police troopers and repeatedly reaching for a 9mm in his jacket.

David Fry:Neo-Nazi and ISIS supporter, he likes both over their shared hatred of Jews. On-site communications and social media officer. He was the last to surrender, on the conditions that the United States government agree to stop making mutant super-soldiers.

Kelly Gneiting: The dude strutting around in a diaper challenging Gov. Chris Christie to a sumo wrestling match. This passionate defender of the United States Constitution is part of a militia whose endgame is to overthrow the government and establish a Mormon theocracy.

Captain Moroni:Won't give his real name. Named after a figure in Mormon scripture. Based on his ridiculous choice in camouflage patterns and the fact he's wearing a hot climate boonie hat in January (he eventually put a knit cap on, then put the boonie hat back on OVER it), I doubt he's actually been in the military.

Joe "Captain O" O'Shaugnessy: Claims to be a captain in some Arizona militia. Allegedly fled the site after stealing their donation jar to go get drunk at a local motel.

Ryan Payne: Claimed to be a former Army Ranger. Actually served in U.S. Army with two deployments to Iraq. But was never a Ranger. Never attended (much less graduated) from Ranger School, and was never assigned to the 75th Ranger Regiment, even in a support role. Amended this to being part of a Secret Squirrel unit for the XVIII Airborne Corps. Always writes it as "18," despite the Army is very specific that Corps-level units use Roman numerals. He believes slavery is a myth perpetuated by the liberal media to slander white Southerners, and numerous anti-Semitic conspiracy theories.

Jason Patrick: Skipped out on bail for making terrorist threats against various law enforcement officials in Georgia. Part of his bail was not to possess firearms. He was photographed at the site openly carrying weapons.

Maureen Peltier:Their Facebook Communications Officer who is not actually at the site. She claims to be a current member of the Washington State National Guard, but has not attended drill since 2014. This anti-government warrior is currently appealing her pending discharge to score a full disability retirement. She is also a "person of interest" in the theft of explosives from her battalion's armory, after one of her anti-government buddies in their guard battalion tried to sell stolen explosives to an undercover ATF agent. Her fellow Dildonians may have recently turned on her, believing her to be a government mole.

Jon Ritzheimer: Actual U.S. Marine Corps veteran. Served in Iraq with a Motor Transportation Company as a truck driver. Claims to have seen extensive combat, yet never earned a Combat Action Ribbon. Says he was kicked out of the USMC Reserve for having "excessive tattoos." At the time of his discharge, the USMC tattoo policy did not prohibit excessive tattoos, only those that were racist or showed solidarity with extremist hate groups. He is financially supported by his government disability check and his wife's job. Star of the I AM ANGRY ABOUT THE DILDO video. He was identified as the person who spotted a local Burns woman wearing a BoLM shirt, and threatened to kill her and burn her house down with her family. She later reported vehicles with out-of-state plates repeatedly driving past her house.

Peter Santilli: Claimed to be a "journalist" covering the occupation and exempt from any criminal charges. Swore he'd never be taken alive. This tough guy also threatened a local teenage Burns, Oregon girl because she stated she was afraid of the militia, so he called her a liar and a whore for the feds. Surrendered to police with no resistance.

Joseph Arthur Stetson:Arrested for DUI en route to the site. Claimed to be a retired U.S. Army Special Forces colonel, whose records were personally sealed by President Reagan. None of the math adds up on his age, alleged rank and claimed military service with Reagan's term in office. At least one conviction for domestic violence, for vandalizing his ex-wife's trailer. He was armed with a pellet gun, and reportedly upset that his domestic violence convictions legally banned him from owning real guns (notice a theme here?).

Neil Wampler:Became involved with the militia movement because he was outraged that he is no longer legally allowed to own firearms, over the minor issue of being convicted of murdering his own father. When asked how they felt about having a convicted murderer in their militia, the Bundy brothers and LaVoy Finicum claimed to have never heard of him, and deny he's at the site. Yes, there are photographs of him wandering around the site.

BONUS ROUND!

Nevada Assemblywoman Michele Fiore: "Negotiated" the final surrender. Another proud, independent government hater who would starve to death without her monthly government check. She runs a questionable medical practice out of her home that has billed Medicare for over $6 million dollars, and currently refusing to cooperate with a fraud investigation. Owes the IRS over a million dollars in back taxes. Believes cancer is a "fungus" and can be cured by drinking baking soda mixed with Listerine, or some shiat. Is a gun-nut who doesn't seem to know much about guns, since she threatened to fill any Syrian refugees housed in Nevada with "brass" (not lead. Brass is usually used to make the harmless shell casings). Financed her own ridiculous Mary Sue movie about a chubby housewife who moves from rural Nevada to L.A. and becomes an overnight pop sensation, starring herself and That Guy From The TV Version of Alien Nation.



Franklin Graham: Son of pastor Billy Graham, who was also involved in the negotiations of the final surrender. Took time out from making Tweets chiding black people getting shot by the police for not following police instructions to the letter, to praise the militia members defiance of the FBI and the Oregon State Police.

Washington state Rep. Graham Hunt: A passionate supporter of the militia and has personally visited them at the site, former member of Ted Cruz's Washington election campaign. Claims to have seen extensive combat on multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan, and claims to have been wounded in combat at least twice. His records show he deployed once for six months to a base in Saudi Arabia hundreds of miles safely away from the Iraq border, was never wounded, and never saw combat. He can't remember the names of the units he supposedly deployed with, and his version has his Arizona Air National Guard squadron unrealistically deploying something like five times in seven years. He also posted a digitally altered photograph which he claims depicted him just narrowly surviving a mortar attack in 2005. It is actually two soldiers from an Ohio National Guard Military Police Company who just witnessed several Iraqi children severely wounded by a bomb blast in 2003. Their Army insignia was 'shopped out and replaced with Air Force insignia. Multiple people, including other Marines and Airmen, have said he flat-out stated he was a decorated Marine infantryman. He later claimed that his fellow veterans "misunderstood him," and are just too damn stupid to understand he was part of a joint USAF-USMC task force. He can't remember the name of this supposed task force, either. He also been seen at biker rallies wearing leather cuts emblazoned with Army Special Forces patches. He finally resigned after stalling saying the usual phony veteran, "my dog ate my military records..which were like, totally classified anyway." song and dance. Still insists THE TRUTH IS STILL OUT THERE.

Washington state Rep. Matt Shea: Similar deal as Hunt. Gun nut who wrote an open-carry bill riddled with fake quotes about gun ownership falsely attributed to the Founding Fathers, using incredibly obvious anachronistic language. Was arrested for pulling a gun on another motorist during a road rage incident, and it turns out this responsible gun owner's CCW permit was also expired. Several members of his National Guard unit came forward and said on their deployment, their battalion commander ordered him to surrender his weapon, due to concerns about his mental state and constant reckless handling of firearms.