Drumpfster Fire Daily Chaos

'''Originally this page was a part of the Drumpfster Fire main page. However, it became a distraction, thus it was given it's own seperate page to fester mostly out of sight.'''

This page is for all the Fark threads for the current month of 

The President's Address to Congress

 * 1) Colbert completed Trump's 'say it to my face' challenge
 * 2) Here is the real democratic response to Trump's speech
 * 3) With a coherent speech for once, Donald Trump may have just had his Bar Mitzvah moment
 * 4) Apparently not having learned their lesson from the past election, Democrats pick the most underwhelming candidate they could find to deliver the Democratic response to Trump. How underwhelming? Even Rachel Maddow panned him as small and stunty
 * 5) President ME has left the building: Trump references self 60 percent less than Obama in first SOTU address. And remember, this is Donald Trump we are talking about
 * 6) Factchecking of Trump's speech exceeds expectations by 17%
 * 7) Of the three bills and two executive orders President Trumpler signed yesterday, guess which one wasn't given a signing ceremony or photoshoot
 * 8) Trump's first address to congress was watched by three billion people, more than any other American President before him
 * 9) We now know Trump is no ballerina, he didn't have a one-night "pivot" concerning his State of the Union speech, so just stop picturing him in a tutu
 * 10) Fox News was the most-watched cable network for Trump's State of The Confederacy speech
 * 11) "The media's reaction to his speech to Congress was shameful"

Christopher Steele
former British spy, Trump opposition research dossier author
 * 1) Castor bean and polonium futures surge as Trump Dossier author Christopher Steele emerges in London eager to return to his position as head of Orbis Business Intelligence. Something tells me we're about to see an extremely busy news cycle
 * 2) Rep. Maxine Waters: "We know" Trump sex blackmail is "absolutely true." Which is such a coincidence because Max Waters was the name of one of his Russian prostitutes
 * 3) Claims to existence of Trump's sex tapes are being watered down

Meglomania, Jingoism

 * 1) Remember Trump's fawning, gladhanding, insincere meeting with Times people back in November, when he called the paper a "jewel," praised Obama and admitted that maybe global warming was true? Well, they fell for it again
 * 2) Evil liberal leftist enemy of democracy CNN continues to destroy America by praising Donald Trump for using the power of his spoken words to single-handedly send the DJIA soaring 200 points to over 21,000
 * 3) President ME has left the building: Trump references self 60 percent less than Obama in first SOTU address. And remember, this is Donald Trump we are talking about
 * 4) You may be wondering why Elon Musk has been cozying up to the Trump administration. And the new Tesla facilities in Russia is just a coincidence
 * 5) Looks like Trump is right, News coverage of him is really, really negative. Even on Fox News. To be fair, there are only so many positive ways one can cover a turd
 * 6) Colbert completed Trump's 'say it to my face' challenge
 * 7) The Great Trump Recovery from the Obama Recession has officially begun
 * 8) Odd, just eight years ago a president asking for a lot of money for infrastructure projects was grounds for conservative riots, death threats, and impeachment talks
 * 9) Trump's first address to congress was watched by three billion people, more than any other American President before him
 * 10) People who know point out how Trump has changed his wardrobe to look less Trumpian. Same people throw up their hands over Sean Spicer
 * 11) Trump attempts to deflect the latest revelation involving one of his staffers coordinating with Russia by going on Twitter and making fake claims about the economy
 * 12) Trump to give speech aboard USS Gerald Ford at 2:30 p.m. EDT. Will he stumble and trip?
 * 13) As if "alternative facts" weren't bad enough, "alternative intelligence" will lead us straight to war. Again
 * 14) Despite what he says, Trump loves Obama. How much? First, Melania plagiarized Michelle's speech at the Convention. Now, Trump uses Obama's weakness as his own, i.e. not explaining his policies better with the American people
 * 15) The Trump-Beltway wars have only just begun
 * 16) Celebrate the 1st year anniversary of President Trump announcing his penis is not only bigly YUGE, but that it's armed and fully operational. #trumpclass
 * 17) After putting in so much effort and hard work not to sound unhinged during his speech to congress Trump rewards himself with spending the weekend at his Mar-A-Lago estate
 * 18) Today is the day that Trump supporters will show their strength in March 4 Trump rallies all across the country. Already tens of Trump supporters have shown up at the National Mall
 * 19) Video has emerged of Donald Trump's oval office Tirade against Bannon, Priebus et al last Friday. And No, this is not a "Downfall" rickroll, though, in some ways the similarities s ARE striking
 * 20) You know you're a lonely person when you find yourself taking a life-sized cardboard cutout of President Trump on camping trips, boat rides, and a country music festival
 * 21) The serious case for Oprah 2020
 * 22) "Today is the day when all patriotic Americans will show President Trump all the respect he deserves"
 * 23) Donald Trump $2 bills are the best $2 bills ever. Everyone thinks so. It's fantastic U.S. legal tender. They are worth at least $13.95 each. Other $2 bills may be worth only $2. Sad
 * 24) Looks like there's a big-ass bus barreling towards Chief of Staff Reince Priebus. The well-oiled machine is constantly crashing and everyone - including Trump - is starting to point the finger at him
 * 25) President Trump has decided to use the power of his office to expose the potential duplicity and unscrupulous behavior of the Obama Administration in the wiretapping of his campaign
 * 26) Handed out with a photo of him signing it, Trump doubles down on Muslim ban
 * 27) Trump has 26 million Twitter followers but is only following 43 people and businesses. And most of those businesses are his own
 * 28) Welcome to the post-truth presidency
 * 29) Lots of people showed up for "March 4 Trump" rallies across the country, if you count maybe 150 people total as a lot of people
 * 30) Trump is making America so great that Blacks, Latinos, and Whites all agree that race relations are getting worse since he took office. Asians? No idea. Great people, Asians. The best
 * 31) Russian hacking of the DNC is a problem, not a scandal. The scandal is this: Who inside the government of the United States is trying to discredit, damage or destroy the President of the United States?
 * 32) Hey everyone, looks like everything is running smoothly. Trump's tweets speak for themselves
 * 33) 8 tricks for defending Trump on the left. More tricks on the right
 * 34) A minute-by-minute breakdown of two hours of this morning's "Fox & Friends" and President Trump's tweets that soon followed and referenced each story almost verbatim
 * 35) Trump surprises kids on White House tour because everyone thought he was at Mar-a-Lago again
 * 36) Now that President Trump has figured out this White House gig his approval ratings have started to climb
 * 37) Remember back when Republicans were concerned about the president taking too many vacations? Good times, those were....GOOOOD times
 * 38) The more President Trump wins, the more the Dems and anti-Trump conservatives flail their arms in disgust
 * 39) White House claims that Trump's allegations that Obama tapped his phones is evidence of wrongdoing even if it turns out to be false
 * 40) Ted and Heidi Cruz to dine with Trump tonight, and Ted's moonlighting as the Zodiac Killer won't even crack the top ten most awkward factors
 * 41) It looks like the most effective way to save Obamacare is simply to label whatever awful "replacement" the GOP comes up with as "Trumpcare" and sit back and let the Narcissist-in Chief do all the heavy lifting to kill it
 * 42) President Trump misses fantastic opportunity to stay logged out of his Twitter account and keep his mouth shut on International Women's Day
 * 43) Goofy haircut? ✔ Boxy, ill-fitting suits? ✔ Erratic and unstable personality? ✔ Primitive vocabulary? ✔ Hates the country to the south? ✔ Brooks no opposition from underlings? ✔ Thin skin? ✔ Father gave him his career? ✔ Is it Trump or Kim Jong Un?
 * 44) Trump has smashed, destroyed, and otherwise perverted the Presidential Code
 * 45) President Trump nominated for Nobel Peace Prize. He's only been in office a month so the odds are against him, like our president has ever been daunted by the odds
 * 46) Trump claims that he has never met a man who paid him $95 million. Which I totally understand, I've never met a man who'd pay me $95 million either
 * 47) I'm sure it's just a coincidence, but, the New York Daily News, America's paper of opposition to Donald Trump before the election, has changed their tone with President "no press access to haters" Trump
 * 48) New poll suggests the Democratic Party is less popular than Trump and Pence. Dealer showing 10, DNC seen doubling down
 * 49) So what is up with Donald Trump and a cemetery or cemeteries in New Jersey?
 * 50) Johnny Smith apprehended; President Stillson safe
 * 51) Military unit that flew a Trump flag during a convoy did so because their commander thought it would be okay because he won the election
 * 52) Trump's 'security nightmare' trips to Mar-a-Lago provide a bounty of opportunities for hostile spies
 * 53) Trump White House delegitimizes anything that gets in the way of its propaganda
 * 54) Human-pug hybrid Kellyanne Conway pulls another alternative fact out of her rectum, says the Trump campaign was monitored in other ways
 * 55) Donald Trump will host China's president at Mar-A-Lago because why not waste more taxpayer dollars
 * 56) Spicer Says: Trump wants the White House Press pool to decide where he donates his salary. I'm pretty sure they all read Fark so let's give them some suggestions
 * 57) Trump tweets snowstorm warning from the agency whose budget he's planning to slash
 * 58) Another day, another GOP survey. You would think that if they wanted to get feedback from voters, they would hold townhalls or something
 * 59) Trump signs executive order asking every department "just what do they do around here?"
 * 60) President Trump: brought to you by the same people who unleashed knock-off fart apps on the world
 * 61) Trump to lay wreath at Andrew Jackson's grave, initiate new Trail of Tears to make room for real Americans, and cripple the Bank of the United States. Will he go all-in and call for the abolition of the Electoral College to ensure the populist voice?
 * 62) Homophobic pastor Wayne Allyn Root says Donald Trump is "like a wife who makes passionate love to you every day, seven days a week." Even on the Sabbath
 * 63) And the biggest revelation from President Trump's leaked tax return? He will benefit more than anyone else with his proposed tax plan
 * 64) With absolutely nothing else to concern himself with as President of the United States Trump tweets about "failing" Snoop Dogg. Could this be the beginning of a new West Coast-East Coast rivalry?
 * 65) Headline: "Donald Trump is more normal than you think"
 * 66) LIberals, don't get too comfy up there sipping your lattes on your high chairs, turns out women who supported Trump think he's doing a terrific job, and is keeping all his promises, including, draining the swamp and such
 * 67) Liberals in pursuit of the smoking gun to take down Trump fell for a 1.6 billion dollar hoax
 * 68) Yeah, okay, Mr. President. You got me with the references to both ATMs and the Trail of Tears. And for some reason, Democrats. Well played
 * 69) New overnight poll puts Donald Trump's approval rate at 46%. Which is exactly the same percentage who show no concern about health care, the environment, the economy, race relations, labor issues, foreign policy
 * 70) So it turns out that more people voted in the 1026 Presidential election, than did when President Obama was reelected in 2012
 * 71) Trump's response when Fox News' Tucker Carlson confronts him on the devastating impact repealing Obamacare will have on those who voted for him: "Oh, I know"
 * 72) "He's doing everything that he promised he would do - working to secure our borders, took us out of TPP, has the best cabinet that has never been assembled in history," says GOP congressman who gave Trump an A for his performance. Hilarity ensued
 * 73) Cognitive dissonance sadly not covered by the ACA. Thanks, Obama
 * 74) POUTS show how he deals with women leaders by refusing to shake Merkel's hand at photo op - or even look at her
 * 75) Trump makes hilarious wiretap joke with Merkel to which Merkel responded, I don't understand, I was actually wiretapped while you just made it up. So, how is that funny?
 * 76) White House: All VA Hospitals directed to put up portraits of cheetos
 * 77) Trump claims he is holding a big meeting on how to overhaul the VA at Mar-a-Lago because it was "the most convenient place" and "everybody wanted to go there". Also, Donald? Stop trying to make "The Southern White House" happen. It's embarrassing
 * 78) Trump treats his staff as horribly as he treats everyone else. Film at 11
 * 79) German broadcaster rescues Trump from Handshakegate
 * 80) It's almost as if rolling out a total loser of a healthcare plan and a cruel, heartless budget of pure evil, all while maintaining the lie that he was wiretapped by Obama, has affected his approval rating
 * 81) West Wing 'chaos' as Trump seems 'hellbent on squandering' any gains by his administration: report
 * 82) Fake news delivers new fake polling numbers for Trump showing only 37% approve of his job performance and a fake 58% of fakers disapprove of his job performance
 * 83) Trump: Russia story is 'FAKE NEWS and everyone knows it'
 * 84) Trump Administration to boycott UN council over anti-Israel agenda, because the best way to stop something you don't like is to prevent yourself from voting to stop it
 * 85) Pro tip: Wait until the hearing is over before you mischaracterize someone's congressional testimony, Mr. President, or you run the risk of being corrected in real-time
 * 86) Forbes Magazine says Donald Trump's net worth has dropped by $1 billion over the past year. Trump says no problem, I'll just take trips to Mar-a-Lago twice every week and start holding state dinners there
 * 87) Trump campaign chief turned Lobbyist Corey Lewandowski is raising money for a PAC designed to help "drain the swamp" and fight corruption in Washington. Man, who would've expected him to turn on his former boss like that?
 * 88) GOP: Taxpayers can't afford Meals on Wheels anymore, but they CAN afford to pay for Trump's kids to vacation in Aspen, CO this weekend
 * 89) Is it me or is Harvey Levin a giant shill for the Trump administration? The big news from Comey and all TMZ can report is that someone jumped the fence at the White House. "Look at the dancing monkey, totally ignore the FBI lining up these weasels"
 * 90) Trump voters think it's OK for Trump to commit treason because Hillary would have been worse. So there ya have it kids, out of their own mouths and in their own words: Trumpers support treason
 * 91) Trump threatens Republicans to support TrumpCare or lose their seats. Or possibly grab them by it, one of the two
 * 92) Meanwhile at Rasmussen, the Czar's approval rating remains at 50%
 * 93) Hours after his SCOTUS nominee scolds President Trump for bashing federal judges, he doubles down and says no one can tell him what to do and he'll continue bashing the judiciary
 * 94) Having solved all the nation's problems and secured his legacy, President Trump turns his sights on teen who created website where you can punch Trump's face using a cat's paw
 * 95) Secret Service needs an additional 5,424,954 Meals on Wheels to protect President Trump's family and private home

FLOTUS BS

 * 1) "I am a passionate believer in integrating and interpreting nature's elements into our daily lives" Did Melania just come out as a Wiccan?
 * 2) Melania Trump read to some students for National Book Day, and not since the My Pet Goat incident of 2001 has a public political storytime gone so horribly wrong
 * 3) The liberal boycott of Ivanka's clothing line was an outstanding success; best performing weeks in the history of the brand
 * 4) Make Chile Great Again
 * 5) Donald Trump: "We will follow two simple rules: buy American and hire American." Ivanka: What do you mean we?
 * 6) What's that, oh it's nothing, just Jared Kushner's family making $400 million because a huge Chinese company is buying one of their buildings at a wildly inflated price on terms ridiculously favorable to the Kushners, nothing to see here, move along
 * 7) Ivanka celebrates holiday where Jews hung liar who tried to have them killed. Steve Bannon said to be uncomfortable with the idea
 * 8) Slovenia is honoring Melania Trump with her own wine. I thought her favorite wine was, "Ugh, do I have to have sex with you? Can we at least turn the lights off?"
 * 9) Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau invites Ivanka trump to the Broadway premier of "Come From Away"-a musical about a Canadian town that welcomed all the stranded US air travellers (refugees) on 9/11-or that's what they're telling Jared anyway
 * 10) The liberal voice of the Trump administration has had her mouth sewn shut. Thanks, dad
 * 11) Questions on Ivanka Trump products can now be sent to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. -- and that includes classified data too

Generalissimo Know-It-All

 * 1) Trump uses dead soldier's widow as a prop in joint address, even though he was most likely responsible for soldier's death. Soldier's father agrees. How about a "shameless" tag on Fark?
 * 2) Rachel Maddow to Hugh Hewitt: Shut the fark up Huey. That's what Trump said
 * 3) Remember how we joked that all Trump needed to look the part of third world despot was the military regalia? Well, he apparently thought it was a neat idea
 * 4) Trump's desire for a military buildup is a solution to a problem that does not exist and it is dangerous, irrational, and a waste of money
 * 5) The buck stops at General Votel
 * 6) Paul Manafort's daughter sends out text message bragging about the people her father had killed
 * 7) Thanks to Trump, the CIA can conduct drone strikes in secret
 * 8) Trump to send 1000 troops to Syria because you can't win wars if you don't fight them
 * 9) The U.S. may have just bombed a mosque in Aleppo during evening prayers. Dozens dead
 * 10) Trump's bold, grand plan for the US Navy lacks one key element: Funding to pay for the skilled workers needed to build said fleet. Also, the skilled workers are nowhere to be found
 * 11) Russia's hostile actions may be due to them panicking over our latest nuclear missiles, which for the first time in history make a preemptive nuclear attack possible. It's a good thing we have someone in charge who won't-oh, god, we're all screwed
 * 12) White House: All VA Hospitals directed to put up portraits of cheetos
 * 13) Trump claims he is holding a big meeting on how to overhaul the VA at Mar-a-Lago because it was "the most convenient place" and "everybody wanted to go there". Also, Donald? Stop trying to make "The Southern White House" happen. It's embarrassing
 * 14) Mideast surge has Pentagon concerned with 'mission creep' resulting from orders from 'commander creep'

Coward

 * 1) Remember Trump's fawning, gladhanding, insincere meeting with Times people back in November, when he called the paper a "jewel," praised Obama and admitted that maybe global warming was true? Well, they fell for it again
 * 2) Looks like Trump is right, News coverage of him is really, really negative. Even on Fox News. To be fair, there are only so many positive ways one can cover a turd
 * 3) Trump says one thing to journalists and another thing to the public. White House staffers: Uh, we meant to do that
 * 4) Shepard Smith thinks it's hilarious the White House gave Fox News some "anonymous sources" after Trump just criticized the media for using them
 * 5) President Trump's latest attempt to stop the damaging leaks coming from the White House leaks to the press
 * 6) The media is targeting Jeff Sessions because he uncovered the ultra-secret Department of Justice slush fund that Obama and his predecessors used to keep the media in line
 * 7) White House finally responds to growing questions about Wikileaks CIA dump, Trump's wiretap accusation and connections to Russia...by canceling all press events
 * 8) Trump White House delegitimizes anything that gets in the way of its propaganda
 * 9) Refined Gentleman that he is, President Trump lets it be known via the Twitter machine that he is distempered, nay, downright appalled, at the rudeness and lack of civility the uncouth media is displaying towards his designated liars
 * 10) Welcome to Politics 2017 - The Year of the Walk Back
 * 11) FTFA: In what can be described as journalistic malpractice and a gross dereliction of duty, the alt-left radical propaganda press continues to insist there is some nefarious connection between President Trump and Moscow. Evidence? They don't need any
 * 12) "Morning Joe" host Mika Brzezinski looks into camera and says directly to Trump: "It's a very serious allegation. And it questions everything that you're about. And it questions whether we can ever believe you, and whether Americans can believe you"
 * 13) Another day, another GOP survey. You would think that if they wanted to get feedback from voters, they would hold townhalls or something
 * 14) POUTS show how he deals with women leaders by refusing to shake Merkel's hand at photo op - or even look at her
 * 15) Trump makes hilarious wiretap joke with Merkel to which Merkel responded, I don't understand, I was actually wiretapped while you just made it up. So, how is that funny?
 * 16) Trump treats his staff as horribly as he treats everyone else. Film at 11
 * 17) For SOME reason the US government isn't responding to Ukraine's requests to interview Paul Manafort in connection to a corruption investigation. Gee, I wonder why that is

Muslim ban

 * 1) Donald Trump holds off signing the second iteration of the Travel Ban order because he doesn't want to take the courts to court again
 * 2) Trump's new and improved travel ban order is going to exclude Iraq from the list of countries that travel is banned from. You know, Iraq? The country ISIS currently controls about half of? Yeah that place
 * 3) Travel Ban Volume 2 to be released on Monday
 * 4) Handed out with a photo of him signing it, Trump doubles down on Muslim ban
 * 5) Guys, it's not a Muslim ban. We know this because Trump told us. Please don't look at his own website telling us how he wants "a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States"
 * 6) Gold Star father Khizr Khan: "Guys, I have been persecuted by having my ability to travel put under review by these fascists." People: "Wow, that sounds terrible. Details?" Khan: *waves pocket Constitution, throws smokebomb*
 * 7) Ferguson vs Trump. Round 2, FIGHT
 * 8) Okay folks, I want a unique angle on this Muslim Ban, doesn't matter how stupid. Um... What if we blamed it on Jimmy Carter?
 * 9) "President Donald Trump's revised travel ban executive order suffered its first legal setback Friday as a federal judge blocked the directive's potential impact on the family of a Syrian refugee living in Wisconsin"
 * 10) Meh, we didn't need those Afghans who helped U.S. forces despite risk to life and limb anyways
 * 11) Trump: "My new and improved travel ban is flawless, see you in court liberotardos" Lawyers and judges: "You are really bad at this"
 * 12) Trump's travel ban preventing certain groups from coming into US. Do those groupds groups include A: Al Queda? B: ISIS? or C: The Canadian version of the Girl Scouts?
 * 13) Barring a court ruling, travel ban takes effect at midnight. This IS a repeat
 * 14) Federal judge to Trump: What part of "you can't have a Muslim travel ban" did you not understand the first time around, dumbass?
 * 15) Five GOP judges supported the travel ban
 * 16) Maryland judge likes the cut of Hawaii judge's jib, and issues another ban on Trump's travel ban. So for those playing along at home: The revised ban has been banned and banned again
 * 17) "How does 'no' sound to you? What, you don't like that word? Better get used to it"
 * 18) Internal Trump administration data undercuts travel ban. Or, in other words, the Emperor has no clothes
 * 19) The real impact of Trump's "enhanced vetting": No African Citizens Could Attend A Summit On African Trade, Held in California, After Visas Were Denied

Refugees

 * 1) Canada expecting record numbers of people to flee the United States and seek asylum. Hardliners demand that the Canadian government deploy their crack bear cavalry and moose chuckers to secure the border
 * 2) Not news: People illegally crossing the border. News: Into Canada. Fark: Not as many as in 2008
 * 3) Not News: Almost half of of those polled want illegal border crossers deported, and are concerned that asylum-seekers of African and Middle Eastern origin will make country less safe. News: Survey taken in Canada about illegal immigration from the US

Immigrants

 * 1) Are you ready to hear the V.O.I.C.E. of America?
 * 2) Why Trump's VOICE program is drawing comparisons to Nazis. TL;DR: It's literally a Nazi policy
 * 3) Trump administration wants to strip privacy protections from non-U.S. citizens that have been in place for decades
 * 4) Trump points to Canada as a model for U.S. immigration reform. Leave us out of this please
 * 5) Are you a legal immigrant? Do you already hold a green card? Well, according to The Chief White House Strategist, and member of the National Security Council, "Legal immigration is the 'real' problem"
 * 6) Trump says one thing to journalists and another thing to the public. White House staffers: Uh, we meant to do that
 * 7) ICE is now arresting any illegal immigrant who speaks in public as part of a "targeted immigration enforcement action"
 * 8) Everyone: Trump's immigration policy can't possibly get any crueler. White House: Hold our taco bowls
 * 9) Today ICE's crack goon squad made America safer by arresting a man who has lived in this country for more than 20 years, while he was taking his daughter to school, because he had a ten-year old DUI and a busted registration sticker 20 years ago
 * 10) Thanks to Trump's war against immigrants and Obamacare, a lot of poor white trash in red states are going to die horrible, painful deaths from preventable illnesses
 * 11) We're paying for this new travel ban by cutting coastal and air security. I'm sure this makes sense to someone, but that someone shouldn't be anywhere near the reins of power
 * 12) Trump's grandfather once wrote a letter groveling and begging not to be deported
 * 13) Illegal border crossings decrease by 40% in February as Mexico learns what it's like to share a border with a third-world hellhole
 * 14) New report shows immigrants commit fewer crimes than people born in the US. To be fair, some of us, I assume, are good people
 * 15) Turns out the best way to radicalize people is to strip them of their nationality. Not that this administration would know or anything
 * 16) Not News: Almost half of of those polled want illegal border crossers deported, and are concerned that asylum-seekers of African and Middle Eastern origin will make country less safe. News: Survey taken in Canada about illegal immigration from the US
 * 17) Homeland Security publishes list of 118 terrorist occupied cities. Bombing begins in five minutes

Sanctuary Cities

 * 1) Homeland Security publishes list of 118 terrorist occupied cities. Bombing begins in five minutes

FBI-led Russia-Trump Investigation

 * 1) Former Nixon White House Counsel John Dean: The actions of the Trump White House in response to the Russia story seem AWFULLY familiar to me...wait, don't tell me, it'll come to me any second
 * 2) Monday's hearing "debunked" Trump's wiretapping tweets, but left his underlying claim intact: that there was surveillance of the Trump campaign; that the results were shared throughout the government - even possibly reaching the Obama White House
 * 3) So, it turns out the FBI really DID have a wiretap at Trump Tower to spy on Russians, but it was from 2011-2013, and its target was the Russian mobsters running a massive money laundering operation out of their apartment there
 * 4) Whether it's residents in his Trump-branded buildings, or his business associates or investors in his projects, Trump is tied up with not just Russians, but in many cases Russians tied to the criminal underworld and money laundering
 * 5) The internet is forever, and things you post can come back to haunt you later. Isn't that right, Mrs. Kellyanne "Ha, ha, you're being investigated by the FBI" Conway?
 * 6) "The FBI probe into Trump and Russia is huge news. Our political system isn't ready for it"

Connections to Russians

 * 1) How Russia weaponizes fake news. And no, it doesn't involve dropping Steve Bannon on you from a MiG-29
 * 2) Hey, here's a question: Why has a Russian oligarch known as "The Fertilizer King" been following Trump around the country? Is it for the steady supply of cheap and plentiful bullshiat? Or is it something more sinister...?
 * 3) Russian oligarch who purchased Trump's Palm Beach mansion for way above market price, admits his plane and Trump's shared a tarmac in North Carolina days before the election, but totally did not meet or anything, trust him
 * 4) Trump claims that he has never met a man who paid him $95 million. Which I totally understand, I've never met a man who'd pay me $95 million either
 * 5) Sessions: I never met with the Russians. Okay, I met with the Russian ambassador twice. Did I say twice? Sorry, I meant three times. My bad
 * 6) Nothing to see here -- just Trump associates directly communicating with Russian hackers mere weeks before the DNC was hacked
 * 7) Rep. Maxine Waters: "We know" Trump sex blackmail is "absolutely true." Which is such a coincidence because Max Waters was the name of one of his Russian prostitutes
 * 8) AG Sessions: "Khorosho, ya sdelayu vse, chto vozmozhno, chtoby vosstanovit' nezavisimost' i professionalizm Ministerstva yustitsii"
 * 9) Trump Campaign Knew
 * 10) Paul Manafort's protégé? Russian collaborator
 * 11) White House finally responds to growing questions about Wikileaks CIA dump, Trump's wiretap accusation and connections to Russia...by canceling all press events
 * 12) White House spokesperson: Trump doesn't know a damn thing
 * 13) The master of understatement Shepard Smith finally snaps on the latest Michael Flynn collusion revelations, barks "There's been a lot of lying." It's just some light treason, right?
 * 14) FBI continues investigating the "odd" cyber link between a Russian bank and Trump's corporate holdings
 * 15) All of Trump's ties to Russia laid out in one easy char- Really? Seven? We need THAT Many? OK, fine: All of Trump's ties to Russia laid out in SEVEN, actually fairly complicated charts
 * 16) They've placed enough sonar buoys so that a man could walk from Scotland to Iceland to Greenland without getting his feet wet
 * 17) John McCain predicts there are "more shoes to drop" over Russiaghazi
 * 18) Top level Publican fixer, Roger Stone, only had "banal" chats with Guccifer 2.0, the Russian hacker elite. They discussed the weather and Knicks prospects. Yeah, and Subby is just using the giggity tag because there is no Patriot tag
 * 19) All power to deflector shields
 * 20) Spicer will finally reveal the wiretapping evidence against Obama- or implode. (Live at 1ish EST)
 * 21) FTFA: In what can be described as journalistic malpractice and a gross dereliction of duty, the alt-left radical propaganda press continues to insist there is some nefarious connection between President Trump and Moscow. Evidence? They don't need any
 * 22) Lindsey Graham vows to "find out all things Russian" and has put Trump right in his crosshairs
 * 23) James Comey to officially reveal if FBI is investigating Trump's ties to Russia during presidential election
 * 24) RT thought Michael Flynn was worth paying $45K to speak in Moscow. This means something, right?
 * 25) If you're gonna sell out your country to the Russians, at least do it for more than a lousy $68k
 * 26) In what may be an emerging pattern, another Russian spy ship is spotted off the coast of the US
 * 27) For SOME reason the US government isn't responding to Ukraine's requests to interview Paul Manafort in connection to a corruption investigation. Gee, I wonder why that is
 * 28) No longer even trying to hide it
 * 29) Former judge Napolitano now former employee of Fox
 * 30) Russian parliament to investigate interference in the country's politics by U.S. media. That's the joke
 * 31) Trump allies Roger Stone and Paul Manafort both wanted for questioning in Russia investigations
 * 32) Kellyanne's husband picked to lead the civil division of the DOJ. Fun fact that certainly won't come back to haunt him? He was part of the legal team for Paula Jones that established you can sue sitting U.S. presidents
 * 33) "Circumstantial evidence" regarding collusion between Russia and Trump campaign. The seven or so Trump surrogates who had many meetings with Russians not withstanding
 * 34) Trump: Russia story is 'FAKE NEWS and everyone knows it'
 * 35) Will Comey reveal that Trump is a puppet? Will the pee tape come to light? Will Trump demand Comey's head after the hearing? THIS is your House Intelligence Committee Hearing on Russia-gate thread (hearing starts at 10 AM EDT on C-SPAN)
 * 36) Comey confirms the FBI is investigating Trump team for Russia connections they can sweep under the rug
 * 37) James Comey answers the least suspenseful question in recorded history
 * 38) Pro tip: Wait until the hearing is over before you mischaracterize someone's congressional testimony, Mr. President, or you run the risk of being corrected in real-time
 * 39) Rep Trey Gowdy attempts a high profile "But what about..." during the Comey hearing, but doesn't quite stick the landing
 * 40) Pretty much, the only way today could have gone worse for Trump is if PornHub added a "presidential watersports" category to their search engine or Melania was revealed as a victim of "the Fappening 2.0"
 * 41) White House continues to defend wiretapping claim despite today's contrary statements from "so-called FBI Director" Comey
 * 42) "Is Russiagate just a conspiracy theory?" If the headline ends in a question
 * 43) Tillerson to skip parent-teacher conference in lieu of hanging out with his best friend during school hours
 * 44) For all their denunciations of 'fake news,' the Trump administration has become a leading purveyor of it, and most of that seems to come to them via Moscow
 * 45) Minor unpaid Trump volunteer Paul Manafort was paid millions to push pro-Putin policy in US and Europe for the last decade
 * 46) House Intelligence Committee Democrat Adam Schiff calls for independent investigation after Chairperson Devin Nunes decides to throw protocol out the window and brief the President that shiat is hitting the fan faster than anyone expected *DUN DUN*
 * 47) The bad poetry of Donald Trump
 * 48) Paul Manafort Drafted a Plan in 2005 to Influence American and European Politics for Putin's Benefit, which incidentally is how we ended up with Trump as President
 * 49) Trump: Manawho? Never heard of him
 * 50) A lot of smoke so far, here's some actual fire: US officials say Trump campaign coordinated with the Russians
 * 51) Vadim Trincher model tenant, Trump Tower
 * 52) The Trump Tower...you'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy
 * 53) Rick Gates
 * 1) Paul Manafort Drafted a Plan in 2005 to Influence American and European Politics for Putin's Benefit, which incidentally is how we ended up with Trump as President
 * 2) Trump: Manawho? Never heard of him
 * 3) A lot of smoke so far, here's some actual fire: US officials say Trump campaign coordinated with the Russians
 * 4) Vadim Trincher model tenant, Trump Tower
 * 5) The Trump Tower...you'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy
 * 6) Rick Gates

Russian Economic Sanctions

 * 1) Well that didn't take long, Trump administration goes from defending Sessions as a victim of a partisan witch hunt to "hey, we didn't know he met with Russians until we turned on the TV this morning". Oh, Beauregard, we hardly knew ye
 * 2) Trump campaign: We had nothing to do with altering the RNC platform to effectively cede Ukraine to Russia. Reality: The platform was altered by a campaign staffer on orders from Trump himself
 * 3) Trump surrogates peek out into the light, admit that maybe they talked to some Russians once for 5 minutes about nothing in particular and it's nothing to worry about and they're sorry they forgot to mention it
 * 4) After every Trump revelation, the following 13 step formula is followed, rinsed and repeated
 * 5) "Follow the money." This is not a repeat from Watergate, Iran-Contra, Whitewater, nor the pickup line Drew told the hooker last week
 * 6) By acting like a paranoid crybaby, Donald Trump has inadvertently destroyed the narrative that Russia hacked our presidential election

Russian Hackers

 * 1) Not only is the source of Trump being tapped being hacked, but now maybe she's being tapped or attacked for revealing that Russians hackers planted false Hillary mail on Weiner's laptop.Or something. It's not all that clear what's going on. Go figure
 * 2) Wikileaks is publishing all of Donald's secrets. Wait, it's only 1000s of CIA documents? That's not the same thing? But he's the President. Damn you Obama
 * 3) So the CIA stole Russian hacking software to make it look like the Russians were hacking people when it was really the CIA. So was the CIA the real DNC email hacker?
 * 4) There's only one common theme in the WikiLeaks and Snowden scandal: Russia always stands to gain
 * 5) Sen. Murphy says what many of us are thinking, Wikileaks timing for releasing this info on the CIA is suspiciously timed, almost as if they were trying to deflect attention from something else, but what could that be?
 * 6) Apparently Republicans have become Russia's b*tches
 * 7) But all of that aside, 'satanic child murdering cabal' sounds like an awesome name for a punk rock band
 * 8) Russian spies offer to help tech companies overcome American spies
 * 9) President Trump: brought to you by the same people who unleashed knock-off fart apps on the world

Russian interference in 2016 U.S. election

 * 1) The fact that the Top Republican on the House Intelligence Committee which has been charged with looking into Russia's interference in the election was also a member of Trump's transition team should in no way cast doubt on the panel's work

ACA

 * 1) Thanks to Trump's war against immigrants and Obamacare, a lot of poor white trash in red states are going to die horrible, painful deaths from preventable illnesses
 * 2) Trump approves of RINObamacare 2.0, setting the stage for a Derpstitutional Crisis
 * 3) This timeline of how Trumpcare went from fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies to putrid shiatbiscuits in just 24 hours is a perfect example of how the Trump administration is running like a well-oiled Charlie Sheen
 * 4) Nothing like a sitting president threatening a bloodbath if his health care bill doesn't pass
 * 5) It looks like the most effective way to save Obamacare is simply to label whatever awful "replacement" the GOP comes up with as "Trumpcare" and sit back and let the Narcissist-in Chief do all the heavy lifting to kill it
 * 6) Is Obamacare really failing?
 * 7) Rand Paul introduces simple bill to full repeal Obamacare titled "Popcorn Dot Gif Act of 2017"
 * 8) Much like the average Farker trying to give up drinking, Republicans are finding it hard to give up obstructionism after their 8 year long addiction
 * 9) The bar has now been set for "stupidest thing said during the Obamacare repeal debate". " Rep Jason Smith (Slow-MO) decrying Obamacare's tax on tanning beds, If Democrats are concerned about dskin cancer "Why haven't they put a tax on the sun instead?"
 * 10) Congressman Burgess (Я-TX) is willing to lose job by causing Americans to lose health insurance
 * 11) WTF in Chief Donald Trump warns republicans that by repealing Obamacare they are "putting themselves in a very bad position"

TrumpCare

 * 1) World's Greatest Healthcare Plan of 2017. No, really, that`s what it's actually called
 * 2) President Trump: Our wonderful new Healthcare Bill is now out for review and negotiation. Kellyanne Conway: TrumpCare? Oh, hell to the no
 * 3) Please call the atrocious Republican healthcare plan "Trumpcare". Because the White House doesn't want you to call it that
 * 4) The big Trumpcare question: "Can I keep my doctor?" HA HA HA HA HA. NO
 * 5) The Uber-conservative National Review "If you want to see political malpractice in action, you don't have to read Donald Trump's latest tweet - just look at the mess Republicans have made of replacing Obamacare"
 * 6) Trump tries, fails to be Presidential. This is not a repeat from every hour of every day for the past 47 days
 * 7) President Trump (R) in January:"There will be health insurance for everybody. Much less expensive than Obamacare and much better." White House Budget Director Mulvaney (R) in March:"Insurance for ordinary people is not really the end goal"
 * 8) Breitbart, Steve Bannon's own personal public relations arm, thinks the GOP's ACA replacement is terrible
 * 9) Everyone can relax now, the GOP is not replacing Obamacare completely, just the parts that actually work
 * 10) GOP ObamaCare replacement at least has a critical tax break for corporate executives struggling to pay their bribes to lobbyists
 * 11) When Republicans are unable to come together and get their own healthcare reform passed, Trump has a simple solution lined up: Blame the Democrats
 * 12) Fox News slams GOP health care reform plan. Yes, THAT Fox News
 * 13) For some reason Paul Ryan is acting like your boring poli sci teacher explaining obamacare repeal
 * 14) "Tehran Tom" Cotton wants a do-over on Trumpcare
 * 15) Man: "I've yet to read anything positive about this healthcare bill". Woman: "Try going 2 a conservative source and open up your reading habits". Man: "I'm the editor of National Review Online"
 * 16) Hey, wait a second. Why AREN'T the insurance companies screaming bloody murder about the potential destruction of the individual insurance market?
 * 17) Brookings Institute:"At least 15 million will lose their coverage under the American Health Care Act." Congressional Republicans:"We don't like your negative analysis so we'll make our own. With some spreadsheets or whatever"
 * 18) Paul Ryan; "Trump will never win a beauty contest." Wait, what? Oh, Trumpcare will never win a beauty contest. Coulda went either way
 * 19) Sarah Palin (yeah, her) actually manages to veer close to a couple of salient points before the wheels inevitably fly off
 * 20) Even the American Medical Association is calling the GOP out on their bullsh*t
 * 21) Trump voters to be hardest hit by Trump's health care plan. Clinton voters still set to suffer debilitating cases of schadenfreude
 * 22) Even Breitbart thinks that Tom Price's comments that "everyone will be covered" under Trumpscare was the lie of the year
 * 23) John Oliver really, really hates Trumpcare and everything the GOP is trying to do with the ACA, so he is again trying to reach Trump by purchasing airtime on Fox & Friends and airing another commercial targeting the DC audience
 * 24) CBO will release their score for Trumpcare at 4 PM, to be followed by Presidential toilet rant on twitter at 5 AM
 * 25) CBO estimates 14 million people losing health insurance if American Health Act is passed
 * 26) CBO projects iPhone sales to drop by 14M in 2018, accelerate to over 24 million by 2026
 * 27) NBC Reporter: "Can we trust that what the President says is real?" Bullshiat Spice: "If he's not joking, of course"
 * 28) Newt licks himself some Trump butt. Mmm, that's good Trump butt
 * 29) Trump White House on CBO report on Trumpcare: unbelievable, fake news. Our own analysis shows that by 2026 twice as many Americans will lose health insurance as the CBO report. So there
 * 30) If you hated Obamacare because your premiums went up too much, just wait until you try the new and improved 750% hike in Trumpcare
 * 31) Sean Spicer seemed shocked to hear Jim Acosta say poor people existed; he just thought it was a myth like Star Wars or Hillary Clinton having people murdered
 * 32) Sean Spicer seemed shocked to hear Jim Acosta say poor people existed; he just thought it was a myth like Star Wars or Hillary Clinton having people murdered
 * 33) CBO report suggests TrumpCare may be responsible for thousands of unplanned births. Man, I keep hearing he's screwing us, but I didn't take it literally
 * 34) Breitbart begins sharpening some very long knives
 * 35) Microwave catches Paul Ryan throwing Trump under the bus
 * 36) Trump voter logic: "It pisses me off, but my wife pisses me off too"
 * 37) As their Obamacare replacement cuts off funds for Planned Parenthood, Republicans want to reassure women that other clinics will step up to provide their low-cost breast exams, contraception and cancer screenings. Let's see how that worked in TX
 * 38) Paul Ryan would like to remind all Americans that Trump had his tiny hands all over the crafting of the GOP's healthcare legislation
 * 39) Trump's agenda hinges on the fate of Trumpscare
 * 40) GOP is scrambling to re-write their healthcare bill after the CBO estimates show just how much it will piss off their voting base of old white people
 * 41) Republicans should just blow up the entire healthcare system. Wait, I thought they were already doing that
 * 42) Cognitive dissonance sadly not covered by the ACA. Thanks, Obama
 * 43) 1) Don't get sick. 2) If you do get sick, die quickly
 * 44) With his so-called healthcare bill imploding, Paul Ryan does the only thing he can do - schedule a final vote on it for next week
 * 45) HHS Sec. Tom Price says that benchmark for healthcare should be care, not insurance coverage. Aight we can all agree on that? Now let's hear how Trump/GOP plans to provide said care... oh laissez-faire mmmkay that worked magnificently the last time
 * 46) Tom Price tells CNN that Trump's promise of universal health coverage is right behind the ACA repeal and passage of the Blood God Budget. The specifics are secret. Trust him
 * 47) Ryan goes all in on Don'tCare
 * 48) Rand Paul predicts that Trumpcare will pass, fail completely, and only then after the complete collapse of the healthcare system will any real negotiations towards healthcare reform begin
 * 49) Trump threatens Republicans to support TrumpCare or lose their seats. Or possibly grab them by it, one of the two
 * 50) Bullshiat Spice: Come on guys, obviously the President was having some fun with recalcitrant GOP members who refuse to back Health Care bill, he wasn't actually threatening them...no, really. Trust him
 * 51) What's it like to have Trump grab you by the pussy?
 * 52) "If they vote against [Trumpcare they could face the wrath of a vengeful and combative president. If they vote for it, they risk retribution from the Koch [bros.] and other powerful right-wing players whose money can be pivotal in re-election races"]
 * 53) Republican Senator thinks that maybe, possibly, Republican voters might get mad at them for passing a bill that doesn't do anything remotely close to what they've been promising for 7 years
 * 54) President Trump's stellar negotiation tactics have caused three wavering Republican lawmakers to firm up their stance on the ACA repeal-and-replace bill: they came out against it
 * 55) 2009 GOP: Democrats adding incentives to the ACA bill in exchange for votes is pure evil. 2017 GOP: Hey NY delegation, what'll it take to buy your votes for our bill?
 * 56) Let's check in with some actual healthcare providers and see what they think about Paul Ryan's Trumpcare powerpoint.... oh. Oh my
 * 57) GOP: We can't vote for Trumpcare. It's terrible. Trump: What if we fix it so states can require Medicaid recipients to work to get Medicaid? GOP: ...Go on
 * 1) GOP: We can't vote for Trumpcare. It's terrible. Trump: What if we fix it so states can require Medicaid recipients to work to get Medicaid? GOP: ...Go on

Physical Health
For threads concerning mental health, please click here
 * 1) CEO of Campari wants to see what would happen if we got President Trump mind-bendingly drunk: "I think a Negroni would do him very good." Thus began WWIII
 * 2) Remember back when Republicans were concerned about the president taking too many vacations? Good times, those were....GOOOOD times
 * 3) Trump is planning on cutting the NWS, EPA, Medicare and Medicaid, but you can bet your tax dollars he's going back to Mar-a-Lago this weekend
 * 4) Paul Ryan would like to remind all Americans that Trump had his tiny hands all over the crafting of the GOP's healthcare legislation
 * 5) Trump's agenda hinges on the fate of Trumpscare
 * 6) GOP is scrambling to re-write their healthcare bill after the CBO estimates show just how much it will piss off their voting base of old white people
 * 7) Republicans should just blow up the entire healthcare system. Wait, I thought they were already doing that
 * 8) Trumpcare raids Medicare to enrich the wealthy and plant a bomb meant to destroy it forever. America First, indeed
 * 9) A bunch of GOP senators are rooting for Republican healthcare efforts to fail because they don't want to get blamed for killing millions of people
 * 10) Trump's response when Fox News' Tucker Carlson confronts him on the devastating impact repealing Obamacare will have on those who voted for him: "Oh, I know"
 * 11) Trump claims he is holding a big meeting on how to overhaul the VA at Mar-a-Lago because it was "the most convenient place" and "everybody wanted to go there". Also, Donald? Stop trying to make "The Southern White House" happen. It's embarrassing
 * 12) This weekend, you paid Trump the approximate cost of 500,000 Meals on Wheels for a "Veterans Affairs meeting" in Mar-a-Lago. Only it seems he forgot to bring the VA secretary. Or even to schedule the meeting
 * 13) Even the Daily Caller is calling out Trump: Remember when you used to be against a President spending time in the golf course? We do
 * 14) Your SpicerFact for 3/20/17: Trump golfing is better than Obama golfing because Trump uses golf to solve the world's problems
 * 15) Trump threatens Republicans to support TrumpCare or lose their seats. Or possibly grab them by it, one of the two
 * 16) Another aspect of traditional presidentin' that Trump sucks at: he is the first president in well over 100 years that does not have a pet
 * 17) Secret Service needs an additional 5,424,954 Meals on Wheels to protect President Trump's family and private home

Thou Shall Have No Other Gods Before Me

 * 1) The breakthrough of the 2016 election lies in the fact that the religious right, in its support for a thrice-married, self-confessed sexual predator, finally dispensed with the fiction that it was concerned about abortion or 'family values'

The Lord is My Shepherd

 * 1) God is shielding Trump from witchcraft and sorcery. basically Jeff Sessions is now reactor shielding. so he's got that going for him. which is nice

Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged

 * 1) Prominent evangelical pastor with an actual moral compass is opposed to Trump and the preachers who worship him, so naturally he's about to get kicked out of his leadership postion

Muslin Usurper

 * 1) Obama's old friend Eric Holder says that no, Obama is not organizing the opposition to Trump...but if Trump keeps this up, Obama might be, very soon
 * 2) Valerie Jarrett has moved in with the Obamas. So that's how it is in their family
 * 3) Barack Obama's politically active post-presidency isn't normal, or good
 * 4) 122 "vicious" Gitmo detainees released by Obama have gone back to terrorism, tweets the Trump. Give or take 113 who were released by George W. Bush
 * 5) Obama is "engaging with domestic terrorists" to take down Trump. Wait, domestic terrorists typically support Trump
 * 6) Something is straining the relationship between President Trump and President Obama. They used to be BFFs; I'm not sure what happened
 * 7) New York Times wants you to forget one of their narratives. Forget, forget, deep breath now, forget. Please standby to naively accept the next installment
 * 8) GOP Congressman claims Obama stayed in DC to run "shadow" govt. We get it, he's black
 * 9) Obama books to be published worldwide. First title, "The Last Sane President", is due out in June
 * 10) SHOCKING CONFESSION: In his own words, Obama admits to wiretapping Trump
 * 11) Right wing journalists ask the hard questions, like "Why is President Obama spending time in Hawaii?" Because it's not like he's from there or anything
 * 12) Reporter quits over Obama conspiracy theory story published by his employer

We Get It He's Black

 * 1) GOP Congressman claims Obama stayed in DC to run "shadow" govt. We get it, he's black

Ninja Obama Staffers

 * 1) In their final days, Obama aides spread intelligence on Trump associates and Russia across agencies as a trail for investigators
 * 2) The latest conspiracy theory from fringe alt-right radio shock jocks? Obama holdovers in government are "committing treason" against Trump to cover up their crimes

Threatening future home of Obama Presidential Library

 * 1) Trumps plans on slashing the EPA budget for Great Lakes pollution cleanup by 97% because who needs to keep largest supply of liquid fresh water on the planet clean

The Economy

 * 1) Trump attempts to deflect the latest revelation involving one of his staffers coordinating with Russia by going on Twitter and making fake claims about the economy

"Budget"

 * 1) Beyond outright incompetence - Donald Trump has a plan? CNN thinks so. Maybe it is stored right next to his Healthcare plan, China plan, and Defeat ISIS plan
 * 2) Ol' Jeff Sessions gonna find it tougher than wrestlin' a greased polecat to keep all his high falutin' promises about fighting crime if Mars Trump continues being stingier than a Baptist preacher in a liquor store wit dat Justice Dept budget money
 * 3) Trump's first budget proposal: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD, SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE
 * 4) We now have our first federal budget from Trump, and the best way to summarize it is "If it's not related to killing brown people, get rid of it. Also, we're paying for the wall"
 * 5) Trump's budget cuts all funding for climate change research. Every. Last. Penny
 * 6) Mulvaney: "We can't ask a coal miner to pay for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting." This story brought to you by the letters 'W,' 'T' and 'F'
 * 7) Trump's NASA budget includes Mars mission and little else. Budget for movie The Martian was bigger
 * 8) "What America would look like under the Trump budget" wrote someone who apparently can't accept that Trump is President and his party controls everything
 * 9) Trump plan to cut foreign aid comes just as the threat of famine is surging in various places around the world, fomenting unrest and destabilizing regions the US is trying to stabilize to prevent ISIS from making inroads
 * 10) If you invested heavily in cat food futures after the election, your payoff is on its way
 * 11) GOP to Trump: No, you can't shut down Meals on Wheels
 * 12) Since the White House argued that Meals on Wheels is going to be cut because it has not shown any results, I'm sure you'll be shocked to hear that there is actual research that proves otherwise
 * 13) Donations to Meals on Wheels surge after announcement of funding cuts. See? The system works
 * 14) Reason magazine has never suffered through a PBS telethon
 * 15) Donald Trump may succeed in accomplishing what Mitt Romney could not do: Taking down Big Bird
 * 16) President Trump's budget would turn the US into a heavily-guarded shiatpile
 * 17) Congressional Republicans rebuke Trump's budget
 * 18) GOP to Trump: No, you can't have a wall
 * 19) Trump's budget motto: Nothing helps, so we should stop trying
 * 20) Having wrested Pennsylvania, Ohio, and West Virginia out of Democratic hands, Donald Trump proposes screwing them over completely... along with red states Kentucky and Tennessee
 * 21) Mayor says Trump's budget would be 'devastating' to New Orleans, and that city knows a thing or two about devastation
 * 22) Sarcasm-illiterate (or actually illiterate) Trump press staffers include link to parody article skewering budget proposal in official daily briefing
 * 23) So, if we eliminate funding for the National Endowment for the Arts, what could we use that money for? How about building one mile of the 405 freeway? Wait, make that "not even a mile"
 * 24) John Oliver tries to explain the Trump budget but realizes it's impossible as he doesn't speak "fluent toddler psychopath"
 * 25) Neil deGrasse Tyson: Trump's Budget Will Make America Weak, Sick & Stupid. Obvious tag is really getting a workout this morning
 * 26) Trump's budget is how the U.S. hands over leadership of 21st century technology to China. It is nothing short of superpower suicide
 * 27) The age of open government is ending
 * 28) Hold onto your pensions: The Jeff Sessions DoJ is doing everything it can to enable white-collar crime
 * 29) Republicans upset with Sec Def Mattis because he is proving too responsible and independent with his appointment, refusing to appoint political operatives or to push for an increase to the defense budget as they are demanding
 * 30) Secret Service needs an additional 5,424,954 Meals on Wheels to protect President Trump's family and private home

Inflation

 * 1) Political control over the Fed is inevitable. Which means the inflationary spiral that the Fed was put in place to prevent is also inevitable

The Dow

 * 1) The Great Trump Recovery from the Obama Recession has officially begun
 * 2) In today's issue of "Gee, You Don't Say," The Trump White House backs off stock market boasts as Dow, Nasdaq plummet
 * 3) Stock markets sink worldwide as traders begin to question Trump's ability to deliver on his economic promises. The guys on Wall Street are JUST NOW realizing Trump is full of shiat? And they want us to trust them with OUR money?

Trade

 * 1) Pay no attention to the trade surplus the U.S. had with China in February

National Debt

 * 1) Oh, look, Steven Mnuchin just wrote the letter begging Congress to raise the debt ceiling so America doesn't default. Let's see if Republicans are still as opposed to it as they were when Obama was president

"Cost cutting" measures

 * 1) After 139 years, Trump may cancel the annual White House Easter Egg Roll, despite the Easter Bunny being white
 * 2) Trumps plans on slashing the EPA budget for Great Lakes pollution cleanup by 97% because who needs to keep largest supply of liquid fresh water on the planet clean
 * 3) NOAA to be gutted under Trump. Because who needs accurate weather forecasts, hurricane warnings, and current information on lightning strikes

Job Creator

 * 1) Midwesterners made Trump the President, now they want him to invent a new reality where automation never happened so they can have a $14/hr job soldering the same wire onto the same contact 3,000 times a day. You know, the American Dream™
 * 2) Trump: "We're going to re-build America with American steel." *offer not valid in United States, check local listings for details
 * 3) Trump recession begins as jobless claims surge by 20,000
 * 4) Candidate Trump: Jobs report is a lie, fails to account for huge number of unemployed. Sad. President Trump: Would you look at that Jobs report? Shows America is once again Great Again
 * 5) Trump on job reports before election: They're totally phony. Trump on job report today: " [it may have been phony in the past, but it's very real now." And yes, that's a real quote]
 * 6) Trump administration makes up an accusation against Obama with zero proof offered. Shockingly, this is not a repeat of the last 20,343 times this has happened
 * 7) Today we learn how the revolving door between the government and Amazon.com use your tax dollars, make Bezos a happy guy
 * 8) The gun industry is now realizing: be careful what you wish for
 * 9) Trump takes personal credit and brags about increasing unemployment in African American males
 * 10) Trump helps coal workers in Ohio by forcing two plants to close with his lack of economic vision

Fiddling with Regulations

 * 1) If your idea of fun is using your $1,000,000 annual bonus to go on a field trip where you get to shoot wadded up private customer data rounds at cutouts of bums while dumping toxic waste into a river, you're loving the Trump administration about now
 * 2) Good news, Republicans have found a way to cure you of your crippling internet porn addiction
 * 3) Trump's EPA looking to kill the law that led to unleaded gasoline and catalytic converters
 * 4) EPA head: Meh, what's a little chemical spill between friends?
 * 5) The "Hearing Protection Act" is a GOP-introduced bill to a) update laws for maximal headphone volume output, b) make measurement of sound levels at live concerts mandatory, c) reduce restrictions on gun silencers
 * 6) President Trump wants to privatize the nation's air traffic controllers to save money. What could possibly go wrong?

Infrastructure

 * 1) Odd, just eight years ago a president asking for a lot of money for infrastructure projects was grounds for conservative riots, death threats, and impeachment talks
 * 2) Trump: "We're going to re-build America with American steel." *offer not valid in United States, check local listings for details
 * 3) Why did Trump reverse his mandate to use U.S. steel in the Keystone XL pipeline? Nobody knows, but a Russian oligarch with close ties to Putin stands to make a bunch of money from it. Fancy that

Stupidity

 * 1) As if "alternative facts" weren't bad enough, "alternative intelligence" will lead us straight to war. Again
 * 2) Trump, Devos, Rick Scott visiting Orlando Catholic school to: A) push school choice; B) start drive to end free public schools; or C) perform Three Stooges short
 * 3) Trumps plans on slashing the EPA budget for Great Lakes pollution cleanup by 97% because who needs to keep largest supply of liquid fresh water on the planet clean
 * 4) Trump's entire staff has no clue where he came up with the wiretapping allegations
 * 5) Here is a summary of TappGate, for those of you struggling to keep up with all the tapps at home
 * 6) We're only 46 days in a perpetual state of crisis and the Trump administration has yet to deal with a major foreign policy challenge
 * 7) 8 tricks for defending Trump on the left. More tricks on the right
 * 8) A minute-by-minute breakdown of two hours of this morning's "Fox & Friends" and President Trump's tweets that soon followed and referenced each story almost verbatim
 * 9) Apparently Republicans have become Russia's b*tches
 * 10) Trump hasn't even bothered to ask his FBI director to verify his Obama wiretap claims. Smartest president ever, don'cha know, just bigly yuuugely smart I'm telling yaz
 * 11) Privacy, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing. GOP wants to do away with FCC's entire privacy rulemaking to allow ISPs to sell your entire browsing history to advertisers or other third parties without your consent
 * 12) There are indications that Jeff Sessions did not know his own attorneys were about to be fired
 * 13) Refined Gentleman that he is, President Trump lets it be known via the Twitter machine that he is distempered, nay, downright appalled, at the rudeness and lack of civility the uncouth media is displaying towards his designated liars
 * 14) Trump unfollows his Morning Joe besties who helped get him elected. Sad
 * 15) The fact that the Top Republican on the House Intelligence Committee which has been charged with looking into Russia's interference in the election was also a member of Trump's transition team should in no way cast doubt on the panel's work
 * 16) Trump's travel ban preventing certain groups from coming into US. Do those groupds groups include A: Al Queda? B: ISIS? or C: The Canadian version of the Girl Scouts?
 * 17) Trump signs executive order asking every department "just what do they do around here?"
 * 18) Trump to lay wreath at Andrew Jackson's grave, initiate new Trail of Tears to make room for real Americans, and cripple the Bank of the United States. Will he go all-in and call for the abolition of the Electoral College to ensure the populist voice?
 * 19) Gov. Mike Huckabee says Trump should do what Andrew Jackson did when courts overreached and just ignore them. Recall that Jackson was illegally kicking Indians off their land and sending them into a deadly forced march. Coming soon Trail of Tears II
 * 20) Yeah, okay, Mr. President. You got me with the references to both ATMs and the Trail of Tears. And for some reason, Democrats. Well played
 * 21) Trump finds another way to improve health care in Michigan
 * 22) President Trump wants to privatize the nation's air traffic controllers to save money. What could possibly go wrong?
 * 23) Trump's budget cuts all funding for climate change research. Every. Last. Penny
 * 24) Politics 101 - Even the most loyal supporters get turned off by a politician who orders a $54 steak well done and then puts ketchup on it
 * 25) The failing, rigged, fake New York Times article used the word wiretap which makes me smart
 * 26) Trump leaked classified CIA intel to Tucker Carlson on live TV: ranking House intel member
 * 27) Trump's favorite Irish proverb is neither
 * 28) Trump's response when Fox News' Tucker Carlson confronts him on the devastating impact repealing Obamacare will have on those who voted for him: "Oh, I know"
 * 29) President Trump's budget would turn the US into a heavily-guarded shiatpile
 * 30) Is the president "wrong" when he says that "wiretapping" means both "wiretapping" and "not wiretapping"? It depends on what your definition of "is" is
 * 31) Trump has toned down his voter fraud accusations, and for some reason Congressional Republicans appear relieved about it
 * 32) Trump's budget motto: Nothing helps, so we should stop trying
 * 33) White House officially downgrades its apology to "an explanation"
 * 34) POUTS show how he deals with women leaders by refusing to shake Merkel's hand at photo op - or even look at her
 * 35) Trump makes hilarious wiretap joke with Merkel to which Merkel responded, I don't understand, I was actually wiretapped while you just made it up. So, how is that funny?
 * 36) Trump claims he is holding a big meeting on how to overhaul the VA at Mar-a-Lago because it was "the most convenient place" and "everybody wanted to go there". Also, Donald? Stop trying to make "The Southern White House" happen. It's embarrassing
 * 37) This weekend, you paid Trump the approximate cost of 500,000 Meals on Wheels for a "Veterans Affairs meeting" in Mar-a-Lago. Only it seems he forgot to bring the VA secretary. Or even to schedule the meeting
 * 38) Secret Service laptop containing the floor plans to Trump Tower and info about the Clinton email investigation stolen
 * 39) Breitbart wants Trump to go full Andrew Jackson and ignore the courts and their verdicts, because that's what you do in a Democracy
 * 40) Trump treats his staff as horribly as he treats everyone else. Film at 11
 * 41) Trump insults about her on the campaign trail are gonna make his meeting with Angela Merkel more awkward than that Thanksgiving where Uncle Cleetus "came out" and admitted to his turkey fetish
 * 42) Mideast surge has Pentagon concerned with 'mission creep' resulting from orders from 'commander creep'
 * 43) Sarcasm-illiterate (or actually illiterate) Trump press staffers include link to parody article skewering budget proposal in official daily briefing
 * 44) German broadcaster rescues Trump from Handshakegate
 * 45) For SOME reason the US government isn't responding to Ukraine's requests to interview Paul Manafort in connection to a corruption investigation. Gee, I wonder why that is
 * 46) No longer even trying to hide it
 * 47) Eric and Donald Jr. run daddy's businesses and are continually Tweeting about his policies while trying desperately not to violate various ethics laws. More than they already have
 * 48) So, if we eliminate funding for the National Endowment for the Arts, what could we use that money for? How about building one mile of the 405 freeway? Wait, make that "not even a mile"
 * 49) Lost in all the kerfluffle over (lack of) handshakes and awkward wiretapping jokes is the news that Trump wants Germany to "pay their fair share" in NATO. Because letting Germany arm up has worked out so well in the past
 * 50) President Trump wants the Mexican border wall to be higher than two double-decker buses, and have an 'aesthetically pleasing color' on the US side. Hmm, could that mean white?
 * 51) Trump still doesn't understand how NATO works
 * 52) West Wing 'chaos' as Trump seems 'hellbent on squandering' any gains by his administration: report
 * 53) It appears that someone is blowing smoke up the White House's arse with some crazy theory about smog
 * 54) Germany's defense minister to Trump: You know NATO doesn't work like that, right?
 * 55) Donald Trump's abhorrent science denial finally rouses Stephen Hawking's fury. Crush him in the claws of your giant mecha-suit, Stephen, crush him
 * 56) Turns out the best way to radicalize people is to strip them of their nationality. Not that this administration would know or anything
 * 57) Pro tip: Wait until the hearing is over before you mischaracterize someone's congressional testimony, Mr. President, or you run the risk of being corrected in real-time
 * 58) So we've ALL been thinking it, but credit goes to former Rep. David Jolly (R-FL) for being the first to come out and say it publicly: President Donald Trump isn't "intellectually qualified" to be president
 * 59) The age of open government is ending
 * 60) For all their denunciations of 'fake news,' the Trump administration has become a leading purveyor of it, and most of that seems to come to them via Moscow
 * 61) Tillerson to skip parent-teacher conference in lieu of hanging out with his best friend during school hours
 * 62) Trump threatens Republicans to support TrumpCare or lose their seats. Or possibly grab them by it, one of the two
 * 63) Hours after his SCOTUS nominee scolds President Trump for bashing federal judges, he doubles down and says no one can tell him what to do and he'll continue bashing the judiciary
 * 64) Another aspect of traditional presidentin' that Trump sucks at: he is the first president in well over 100 years that does not have a pet
 * 65) Wait until he finds out that the Ku Klux Klan was founded by Democrats
 * 66) Gorsuch believes it is improper to state opinions about historic cases. A SCOTUS appointee with no opinion or regard for precedent? The perfect candidate
 * 67) Donald Trump Jr. takes to Twitter to insult the Mayor of London over terrorist attack. I'm beginning to think there's a nature, not nurture thing going on here
 * 68) Rex Tillerson says the most powerful country on earth is unable to sustain a working State Department
 * 69) Having solved all the nation's problems and secured his legacy, President Trump turns his sights on teen who created website where you can punch Trump's face using a cat's paw
 * 70) Trump feels "somewhat vindicated" about his "wire tapping" allegations. "Somewhat vindicated" is in quotes meaning not actually vindicated at all
 * 71) Secret Service needs an additional 5,424,954 Meals on Wheels to protect President Trump's family and private home

The Wall

 * 1) Why not a hundred foot high wall made from gold and diamonds that can't be seen by those who are unfit for their positions, stupid, or incompetent?
 * 2) President Trump wants the Mexican border wall to be higher than two double-decker buses, and have an 'aesthetically pleasing color' on the US side. Hmm, could that mean white?
 * 3) How Farking idiotic are Trump supporters? They chant Build the Wall while vacationing in Mexico. They may want to check out Snopes for the vacation pics story

Nobel Peace Prize

 * 1) President Trump nominated for Nobel Peace Prize. He's only been in office a month so the odds are against him, like our president has ever been daunted by the odds

Neo-Nazis

 * 1) Are you ready to hear the V.O.I.C.E. of America?
 * 2) Why Trump's VOICE program is drawing comparisons to Nazis. TL;DR: It's literally a Nazi policy
 * 3) Trump refers to HBCU Presidents as 'you people', but they're kind of ok with it as they expected him to say something worse
 * 4) Blaming the Klan on modern Democrats is like blaming the Unabomber on the Montana Territory, which I do so nyeh
 * 5) ICE is now arresting any illegal immigrant who speaks in public as part of a "targeted immigration enforcement action"
 * 6) A closer look at the disgraceful media response to Trump's "Presidential" racism
 * 7) I'm a Jewish American who worked with Steve Bannon. He is not a racist or an anti-Semite
 * 8) GOP congressman says holding town halls is like being yelled at in a ritual "that the Orientals used to do"
 * 9) Breitbart: Yo WaPo, while Trump's proposal to publish a list of immigrant crimes and their victims does have Nazi overtones, the big difference is that Hitler did it against loyal, legal, law abiding German Jews, not illegal criminals. So, checkmate
 * 10) Trump, Devos, Rick Scott visiting Orlando Catholic school to: A) push school choice; B) start drive to end free public schools; or C) perform Three Stooges short
 * 11) Thousands of ICE detainees claim they were forced into labor. "The US is running labor camps"
 * 12) Donald Trump: "ZOMG all these people are doing McCarthyism at me, this is evil". President Bannon: "McCarthy was a genius whose only fault was not going far enough"
 * 13) Guys, it's not a Muslim ban. We know this because Trump told us. Please don't look at his own website telling us how he wants "a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States"
 * 14) Steve Bannon's favorite book is part "Turner Diaries", part "World War Z", and part "The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs"
 * 15) Old people back racist party. This is not a repeat of the last 203,324 this has happened
 * 16) Ben Carson: Slaves were immigrants who dreamed of a better life
 * 17) There weren't any MFing immigrants on the MFing slave ships
 * 18) Guess who else called slaves immigrants... Oh how the outrage was
 * 19) Something is straining the relationship between President Trump and President Obama. They used to be BFFs; I'm not sure what happened
 * 20) House okays using taxpayer money for Islamic schools
 * 21) Trump supporters protest... Anti-Nazi Resistance Radio commercial for "The Man in the High Castle". Yes, Really
 * 22) Meh, we didn't need those Afghans who helped U.S. forces despite risk to life and limb anyways
 * 23) Steve King thinks he would look real snazzy in a Nazi uniform
 * 24) The Left's version of O'keefe is low energy, didn't even dress up for this, sad
 * 25) Republicans tell Steve King that he's being a little too obvious with the dog megaphone
 * 26) Trump to lay wreath at Andrew Jackson's grave, initiate new Trail of Tears to make room for real Americans, and cripple the Bank of the United States. Will he go all-in and call for the abolition of the Electoral College to ensure the populist voice?
 * 27) Gov. Mike Huckabee says Trump should do what Andrew Jackson did when courts overreached and just ignore them. Recall that Jackson was illegally kicking Indians off their land and sending them into a deadly forced march. Coming soon Trail of Tears II
 * 28) Yeah, okay, Mr. President. You got me with the references to both ATMs and the Trail of Tears. And for some reason, Democrats. Well played
 * 29) Well of course Trump's counterterrorism expert is a member of a Nazi group
 * 30) Trump puppetmaster Steve Bannon is a fan of notorious French anti-semite philosopher, because of course he is
 * 31) Inside internet hate site: "We're not a hate site"
 * 32) NOT NEWS: Punch-magnet white supremacist shames welfare. NEWS: Wearing bootstraps funded by millions in government subsidies. FARK: Paid to his family-owned cotton farm in Louisiana
 * 33) Turns out the best way to radicalize people is to strip them of their nationality. Not that this administration would know or anything
 * 34) Trump campaign chief turned Lobbyist Corey Lewandowski is raising money for a PAC designed to help "drain the swamp" and fight corruption in Washington. Man, who would've expected him to turn on his former boss like that?
 * 35) Trump takes personal credit and brags about increasing unemployment in African American males
 * 36) How Farking idiotic are Trump supporters? They chant Build the Wall while vacationing in Mexico. They may want to check out Snopes for the vacation pics story
 * 37) Georgia nonprofit was duped into unwittingly giving white supremacist Richard Spencer $25,000 after an anonymous donor gifted them the money with specific instructions

Child Care

 * 1) In shocking news, Trump's child care proposal will mainly help those making six figures and more

Privacy Protections

 * 1) Trump administration wants to strip privacy protections from non-U.S. citizens that have been in place for decades
 * 2) Privacy, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing. GOP wants to do away with FCC's entire privacy rulemaking to allow ISPs to sell your entire browsing history to advertisers or other third parties without your consent
 * 3) Good news, Republicans have found a way to cure you of your crippling internet porn addiction
 * 4) Comey: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Privacy? What the hell is that?

Keystone XL Pipeline

 * 1) Tillerson backs out of Keystone Pipeline review, eliminating one of his conflicts of interest, leaving him with only 1,395,025

Devil's Weed

 * 1) Trump policy on recreational weed seen as major buzzkill, logistical nightmare
 * 2) AG Jeff Sessions: "We have too much tolerance for marijuana use. We need to say, as Nancy Reagan said, 'Just say no.'" He then knocked back three fingers of bourbon and took a long, satisfying drag from an unfiltered Camel

Trump Tower Tapp

 * 1) "You know, Mr. President, the Russia stuff is heating up pretty badly. We need something to distract the media. How about...um...I dunno...maybe Obama tapped your phones? Think anyone would believe that?"
 * 2) Trump's entire staff has no clue where he came up with the wiretapping allegations
 * 3) White House attorneys scramble to come up with evidence to back Trump's 'wiretap' claims
 * 4) Here is a summary of TappGate, for those of you struggling to keep up with all the tapps at home
 * 5) Trump doubles down. In other news, popcorn stocks set to open at record highs
 * 6) FBI Director Comey asks Justice Department to publicly call BS on Trump's wiretapping claim
 * 7) It's Monday, so you know what that means: Trump's own agencies have told him that he's wrong about his weekend conspiracy rant, but he doesn't care and still believes his own derp
 * 8) "Although the law provides a great deal of leeway for political speech, that protection is not all encompassing. And because of the way Trump has leveled unsubstantiated accusations at Obama, he may have libeled his predecessor"
 * 9) President Trump has decided to use the power of his office to expose the potential duplicity and unscrupulous behavior of the Obama Administration in the wiretapping of his campaign
 * 10) Donald Trump: "ZOMG all these people are doing McCarthyism at me, this is evil". President Bannon: "McCarthy was a genius whose only fault was not going far enough"
 * 11) Even Sen. "Tehran Tom" Cotton isn't willing to hop aboard Trump's latest crazy Train
 * 12) Trump's new strategy is to make up a conspiracy to deflect from the seriousness of the Russia ties. Yeah, we've been over this, CNN; you're late to the party
 * 13) Harvard grad and Constitutional lawyer who clerked for the Supreme Court on Trump's wiretap tweets: "Yeah, he pretty much stepped on his own dick big league, and should be shiatcanned." Well, he said it a little more eloquently, but you get the idea
 * 14) FBI Director Comey doesn't want to stay under the bus OR fall on his sword for Trump
 * 15) May we present: Trump's proof of the wire tapp. And you know he'd tapp that
 * 16) Not only is the source of Trump being tapped being hacked, but now maybe she's being tapped or attacked for revealing that Russians hackers planted false Hillary mail on Weiner's laptop.Or something. It's not all that clear what's going on. Go figure
 * 17) Mr. President, about those wiretapp allegations? Yeah....well we're sorry sir, but this time you're on your own
 * 18) Trump hasn't even bothered to ask his FBI director to verify his Obama wiretap claims. Smartest president ever, don'cha know, just bigly yuuugely smart I'm telling yaz
 * 19) White House claims that Trump's allegations that Obama tapped his phones is evidence of wrongdoing even if it turns out to be false
 * 20) House judiciary Republicans ask for FBI briefing on Trump's wiretapping claims, moon landing from 1969, and whereabouts of the Tooth Fairy
 * 21) Reporter: "Mr. Pence, do you believe Trump's claim about Obama wiretapping him, yes or no?" VP Pence: "EVASIVE MANEUVERS, EVASIVE MANEUVERS. ALL POWER TO PORT THRUSTERS AND TRANSFER ALL POWER TO DEFLECTOR SHIELDS"
 * 22) White House finally responds to growing questions about Wikileaks CIA dump, Trump's wiretap accusation and connections to Russia...by canceling all press events
 * 23) House Intelligence Committee requests that Trump FW:FW:FW:FW:FW: over his evidence of wiretapping by Monday
 * 24) House Intelligence Committee set today as the deadline for Trump to provide evidence he was the victim of an Obama "wiretapp." Will Trump follow through? What will happen if he fails to provide the evidence? Either way, things will get crazy today
 * 25) Spicer will finally reveal the wiretapping evidence against Obama- or implode. (Live at 1ish EST)
 * 26) Trump 'doesn't really think' Obama personally tapped his phone. Last five words completely unnecessary
 * 27) Welcome to Politics 2017 - The Year of the Walk Back
 * 28) Trump again says he was wiretapped as long as you include people listening to people in any situation as wiretapping
 * 29) Human-pug hybrid Kellyanne Conway pulls another alternative fact out of her rectum, says the Trump campaign was monitored in other ways
 * 30) Small appliance expert Kellyanne Conway says she's not sure what was used to spy on Trump campaign, because she's "not inspector Gadget." Yes, that was a quote
 * 31) SHOCKING CONFESSION: In his own words, Obama admits to wiretapping Trump
 * 32) FTFA: In what can be described as journalistic malpractice and a gross dereliction of duty, the alt-left radical propaganda press continues to insist there is some nefarious connection between President Trump and Moscow. Evidence? They don't need any
 * 33) Obviously, the reason no one can find any evidence that Obama ordered Trump wiretapped is because he asked James Bond to do it
 * 34) "Morning Joe" host Mika Brzezinski looks into camera and says directly to Trump: "It's a very serious allegation. And it questions everything that you're about. And it questions whether we can ever believe you, and whether Americans can believe you"
 * 35) Trump defenders are starting to sound like English Lit professors at a Joyce seminar: "So now you have to decide, are you going to take the tweets literally? And if you are then clearly the president was wrong. But if you're not"
 * 36) "Nobody ever talks about the fact that [the words 'wires tapped' was in quotes [in the tweet], but that's a very important thing"]
 * 37) "Yikes My microwave is watching me...defrost the chicken." Kellyanne Conway sheds light on how our household appliances know everything we do
 * 38) The failing, rigged, fake New York Times article used the word wiretap which makes me smart
 * 39) It's official: Obama did not tap that Ass
 * 40) Is the president "wrong" when he says that "wiretapping" means both "wiretapping" and "not wiretapping"? It depends on what your definition of "is" is
 * 41) Enjoy Sean Spicer's latest Melissa McCarthy impersonation
 * 42) Obviously, the reason no one can find any evidence that Obama ordered Trump wiretapped is because he asked James Bond to do it
 * 43) White House officially downgrades its apology to "an explanation"
 * 44) Deputy Director of the NSA calls Trump's UK spying allegations "just crazy", "arrant nonsense". Then insinuates Trump is ignorant and stupid. Why yes, he is retiring shortly
 * 45) No longer even trying to hide it
 * 46) Secret Service laptop containing the floor plans to Trump Tower and info about the Clinton email investigation stolen
 * 47) And today Comey throws Trump under the bus
 * 48) Intel offers no evidence of Trump Tower spying. To be honest, I always suspected AMD
 * 49) UK Intelligence Chief warns that Russia may have been behind Donald Trump's claim that British intelligence had wiretapped Trump Tower
 * 50) Rep Trey Gowdy attempts a high profile "But what about..." during the Comey hearing, but doesn't quite stick the landing
 * 51) White House continues to defend wiretapping claim despite today's contrary statements from "so-called FBI Director" Comey
 * 52) David Cameron jokes that a main perk of no longer being British Prime Minister is that he doesn't have to listen to Donald Trump's wiretapped conversations any more, proving British brand of Conservative Humour is as weak as its American cousin
 * 53) People close to the president say Mr. Trump's Twitter torrent had less to do with fact, strategy or tactic than a sense of persecution bordering on faith: He simply believes that he was bugged in some way, by someone
 * 54) Rep. Nunes claims that Trump people were picked up on FBI wiretaps of Russians, which means, technically, Obama wiretapped the Trump campaign, which is the best kind of wiretapping
 * 55) House Intelligence Committee Democrat Adam Schiff calls for independent investigation after Chairperson Devin Nunes decides to throw protocol out the window and brief the President that shiat is hitting the fan faster than anyone expected *DUN DUN*
 * 56) Rep. Nunes thought he was putting out the Trump Tweet Tapp fire. Only he reached for gasoline instead of water
 * 57) Trump feels "somewhat vindicated" about his "wire tapping" allegations. "Somewhat vindicated" is in quotes meaning not actually vindicated at all

Illiterate

 * 1) Trump still doesn't understand how NATO works
 * 2) So we've ALL been thinking it, but credit goes to former Rep. David Jolly (R-FL) for being the first to come out and say it publicly: President Donald Trump isn't "intellectually qualified" to be president

"Terror"

 * 1) The "administration" of Donald Trump "seems to" like using "scare quotes" a "whole lot"
 * 2) Turns out the best way to radicalize people is to strip them of their nationality. Not that this administration would know or anything
 * 3) Homeland Security publishes list of 118 terrorist occupied cities. Bombing begins in five minutes
 * 4) Step 1: Steal car. Step 2: Drive to White House. Step 3: Declare there is a bomb in your car at a Secret Service checkpoint. Step 4: Get featured on Fark

Planned Parenthood

 * 1) Planned Parenthood aborts Trump's offer to fund them if they stop providing their least-used service that isn't even covered by government funding

B-b-but, her emails!

 * 1) Donald Trump just became Hillary Clinton's email ally
 * 2) Secret Service laptop containing the floor plans to Trump Tower and info about the Clinton email investigation stolen

Abolish Taxes

 * 1) Clammy porcelain Republican kingmaker Matt Drudge says he now wants his vote back because Republicans haven't abolished the concept of taxes yet

LGBTQ Community

 * 1) Homophobic pastor Wayne Allyn Root says Donald Trump is "like a wife who makes passionate love to you every day, seven days a week." Even on the Sabbath

Unsupported Voter Fraud Accusations

 * 1) Trump has toned down his voter fraud accusations, and for some reason Congressional Republicans appear relieved about it

Ending Medicare

 * 1) Trumpcare raids Medicare to enrich the wealthy and plant a bomb meant to destroy it forever. America First, indeed

Privatization of all government
Air Traffic Controllers
 * 1) President Trump wants to privatize the nation's air traffic controllers to save money. What could possibly go wrong?

Russian Spy Ship Sighting

 * 1) In what may be an emerging pattern, another Russian spy ship is spotted off the coast of the US

Torture

 * 1) Lindsey Graham threatens to impeach Trump if he starts waterboarding. I hope surfboarding is still okay, since we know Trump loves his water sports