Drumpfster Fire Daily Chaos

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This page is for all the Fark threads for the current month of 

Russian Economic Sanctions

 * 1) Well that didn't take long, Trump administration goes from defending Sessions as a victim of a partisan witch hunt to "hey, we didn't know he met with Russians until we turned on the TV this morning". Oh, Beauregard, we hardly knew ye
 * 2) Trump campaign: We had nothing to do with altering the RNC platform to effectively cede Ukraine to Russia. Reality: The platform was altered by a campaign staffer on orders from Trump himself
 * 3) Trump surrogates peek out into the light, admit that maybe they talked to some Russians once for 5 minutes about nothing in particular and it's nothing to worry about and they're sorry they forgot to mention it
 * 4) After every Trump revelation, the following 13 step formula is followed, rinsed and repeated
 * 5) "Follow the money." This is not a repeat from Watergate, Iran-Contra, Whitewater, nor the pickup line Drew told the hooker last week
 * 6) By acting like a paranoid crybaby, Donald Trump has inadvertently destroyed the narrative that Russia hacked our presidential election

Russian Hackers

 * 1) Not only is the source of Trump being tapped being hacked, but now maybe she's being tapped or attacked for revealing that Russians hackers planted false Hillary mail on Weiner's laptop.Or something. It's not all that clear what's going on. Go figure
 * 2) Wikileaks is publishing all of Donald's secrets. Wait, it's only 1000s of CIA documents? That's not the same thing? But he's the President. Damn you Obama
 * 3) So the CIA stole Russian hacking software to make it look like the Russians were hacking people when it was really the CIA. So was the CIA the real DNC email hacker?
 * 4) There's only one common theme in the WikiLeaks and Snowden scandal: Russia always stands to gain
 * 5) Sen. Murphy says what many of us are thinking, Wikileaks timing for releasing this info on the CIA is suspiciously timed, almost as if they were trying to deflect attention from something else, but what could that be?
 * 6) Apparently Republicans have become Russia's b*tches
 * 7) But all of that aside, 'satanic child murdering cabal' sounds like an awesome name for a punk rock band
 * 8) Russian spies offer to help tech companies overcome American spies
 * 9) President Trump: brought to you by the same people who unleashed knock-off fart apps on the world

Russian interference in 2016 U.S. election

 * 1) The fact that the Top Republican on the House Intelligence Committee which has been charged with looking into Russia's interference in the election was also a member of Trump's transition team should in no way cast doubt on the panel's work

ACA

 * 1) Thanks to Trump's war against immigrants and Obamacare, a lot of poor white trash in red states are going to die horrible, painful deaths from preventable illnesses
 * 2) Trump approves of RINObamacare 2.0, setting the stage for a Derpstitutional Crisis
 * 3) This timeline of how Trumpcare went from fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies to putrid shiatbiscuits in just 24 hours is a perfect example of how the Trump administration is running like a well-oiled Charlie Sheen
 * 4) Nothing like a sitting president threatening a bloodbath if his health care bill doesn't pass
 * 5) It looks like the most effective way to save Obamacare is simply to label whatever awful "replacement" the GOP comes up with as "Trumpcare" and sit back and let the Narcissist-in Chief do all the heavy lifting to kill it
 * 6) Is Obamacare really failing?
 * 7) Rand Paul introduces simple bill to full repeal Obamacare titled "Popcorn Dot Gif Act of 2017"
 * 8) Much like the average Farker trying to give up drinking, Republicans are finding it hard to give up obstructionism after their 8 year long addiction
 * 9) The bar has now been set for "stupidest thing said during the Obamacare repeal debate". " Rep Jason Smith (Slow-MO) decrying Obamacare's tax on tanning beds, If Democrats are concerned about dskin cancer "Why haven't they put a tax on the sun instead?"
 * 10) Congressman Burgess (Я-TX) is willing to lose job by causing Americans to lose health insurance
 * 11) WTF in Chief Donald Trump warns republicans that by repealing Obamacare they are "putting themselves in a very bad position"

Physical Health of the President
For threads concerning mental health, please click here

Matthew 25:40
whatever you do to the least of these you do also to me

Inflation

 * 1) Political control over the Fed is inevitable. Which means the inflationary spiral that the Fed was put in place to prevent is also inevitable

The Dow

 * 1) The Great Trump Recovery from the Obama Recession has officially begun
 * 2) In today's issue of "Gee, You Don't Say," The Trump White House backs off stock market boasts as Dow, Nasdaq plummet
 * 3) Stock markets sink worldwide as traders begin to question Trump's ability to deliver on his economic promises. The guys on Wall Street are JUST NOW realizing Trump is full of shiat? And they want us to trust them with OUR money?

Trade

 * 1) Pay no attention to the trade surplus the U.S. had with China in February

National Debt

 * 1) Oh, look, Steven Mnuchin just wrote the letter begging Congress to raise the debt ceiling so America doesn't default. Let's see if Republicans are still as opposed to it as they were when Obama was president

"Cost cutting" measures

 * 1) After 139 years, Trump may cancel the annual White House Easter Egg Roll, despite the Easter Bunny being white
 * 2) Trumps plans on slashing the EPA budget for Great Lakes pollution cleanup by 97% because who needs to keep largest supply of liquid fresh water on the planet clean
 * 3) NOAA to be gutted under Trump. Because who needs accurate weather forecasts, hurricane warnings, and current information on lightning strikes

Job Creator

 * 1) Midwesterners made Trump the President, now they want him to invent a new reality where automation never happened so they can have a $14/hr job soldering the same wire onto the same contact 3,000 times a day. You know, the American Dream™
 * 2) Trump: "We're going to re-build America with American steel." *offer not valid in United States, check local listings for details
 * 3) Trump recession begins as jobless claims surge by 20,000
 * 4) Candidate Trump: Jobs report is a lie, fails to account for huge number of unemployed. Sad. President Trump: Would you look at that Jobs report? Shows America is once again Great Again
 * 5) Trump on job reports before election: They're totally phony. Trump on job report today: " [it may have been phony in the past, but it's very real now." And yes, that's a real quote]
 * 6) Trump administration makes up an accusation against Obama with zero proof offered. Shockingly, this is not a repeat of the last 20,343 times this has happened
 * 7) Today we learn how the revolving door between the government and Amazon.com use your tax dollars, make Bezos a happy guy
 * 8) The gun industry is now realizing: be careful what you wish for
 * 9) Trump takes personal credit and brags about increasing unemployment in African American males
 * 10) Trump helps coal workers in Ohio by forcing two plants to close with his lack of economic vision

Fiddling with Regulations

 * 1) If your idea of fun is using your $1,000,000 annual bonus to go on a field trip where you get to shoot wadded up private customer data rounds at cutouts of bums while dumping toxic waste into a river, you're loving the Trump administration about now
 * 2) Good news, Republicans have found a way to cure you of your crippling internet porn addiction
 * 3) Trump's EPA looking to kill the law that led to unleaded gasoline and catalytic converters
 * 4) EPA head: Meh, what's a little chemical spill between friends?
 * 5) The "Hearing Protection Act" is a GOP-introduced bill to a) update laws for maximal headphone volume output, b) make measurement of sound levels at live concerts mandatory, c) reduce restrictions on gun silencers
 * 6) President Trump wants to privatize the nation's air traffic controllers to save money. What could possibly go wrong?

Infrastructure

 * 1) Odd, just eight years ago a president asking for a lot of money for infrastructure projects was grounds for conservative riots, death threats, and impeachment talks
 * 2) Trump: "We're going to re-build America with American steel." *offer not valid in United States, check local listings for details
 * 3) Why did Trump reverse his mandate to use U.S. steel in the Keystone XL pipeline? Nobody knows, but a Russian oligarch with close ties to Putin stands to make a bunch of money from it. Fancy that

Stupidity

 * 1) As if "alternative facts" weren't bad enough, "alternative intelligence" will lead us straight to war. Again
 * 2) Trump, Devos, Rick Scott visiting Orlando Catholic school to: A) push school choice; B) start drive to end free public schools; or C) perform Three Stooges short
 * 3) Trumps plans on slashing the EPA budget for Great Lakes pollution cleanup by 97% because who needs to keep largest supply of liquid fresh water on the planet clean
 * 4) Trump's entire staff has no clue where he came up with the wiretapping allegations
 * 5) Here is a summary of TappGate, for those of you struggling to keep up with all the tapps at home
 * 6) We're only 46 days in a perpetual state of crisis and the Trump administration has yet to deal with a major foreign policy challenge
 * 7) 8 tricks for defending Trump on the left. More tricks on the right
 * 8) A minute-by-minute breakdown of two hours of this morning's "Fox & Friends" and President Trump's tweets that soon followed and referenced each story almost verbatim
 * 9) Apparently Republicans have become Russia's b*tches
 * 10) Trump hasn't even bothered to ask his FBI director to verify his Obama wiretap claims. Smartest president ever, don'cha know, just bigly yuuugely smart I'm telling yaz
 * 11) Privacy, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing. GOP wants to do away with FCC's entire privacy rulemaking to allow ISPs to sell your entire browsing history to advertisers or other third parties without your consent
 * 12) There are indications that Jeff Sessions did not know his own attorneys were about to be fired
 * 13) Refined Gentleman that he is, President Trump lets it be known via the Twitter machine that he is distempered, nay, downright appalled, at the rudeness and lack of civility the uncouth media is displaying towards his designated liars
 * 14) Trump unfollows his Morning Joe besties who helped get him elected. Sad
 * 15) The fact that the Top Republican on the House Intelligence Committee which has been charged with looking into Russia's interference in the election was also a member of Trump's transition team should in no way cast doubt on the panel's work
 * 16) Trump's travel ban preventing certain groups from coming into US. Do those groupds groups include A: Al Queda? B: ISIS? or C: The Canadian version of the Girl Scouts?
 * 17) Trump signs executive order asking every department "just what do they do around here?"
 * 18) Trump to lay wreath at Andrew Jackson's grave, initiate new Trail of Tears to make room for real Americans, and cripple the Bank of the United States. Will he go all-in and call for the abolition of the Electoral College to ensure the populist voice?
 * 19) Gov. Mike Huckabee says Trump should do what Andrew Jackson did when courts overreached and just ignore them. Recall that Jackson was illegally kicking Indians off their land and sending them into a deadly forced march. Coming soon Trail of Tears II
 * 20) Yeah, okay, Mr. President. You got me with the references to both ATMs and the Trail of Tears. And for some reason, Democrats. Well played
 * 21) Trump finds another way to improve health care in Michigan
 * 22) President Trump wants to privatize the nation's air traffic controllers to save money. What could possibly go wrong?
 * 23) Trump's budget cuts all funding for climate change research. Every. Last. Penny
 * 24) Politics 101 - Even the most loyal supporters get turned off by a politician who orders a $54 steak well done and then puts ketchup on it
 * 25) The failing, rigged, fake New York Times article used the word wiretap which makes me smart
 * 26) Trump leaked classified CIA intel to Tucker Carlson on live TV: ranking House intel member
 * 27) Trump's favorite Irish proverb is neither
 * 28) Trump's response when Fox News' Tucker Carlson confronts him on the devastating impact repealing Obamacare will have on those who voted for him: "Oh, I know"
 * 29) President Trump's budget would turn the US into a heavily-guarded shiatpile
 * 30) Is the president "wrong" when he says that "wiretapping" means both "wiretapping" and "not wiretapping"? It depends on what your definition of "is" is
 * 31) Trump has toned down his voter fraud accusations, and for some reason Congressional Republicans appear relieved about it
 * 32) Trump's budget motto: Nothing helps, so we should stop trying
 * 33) White House officially downgrades its apology to "an explanation"
 * 34) POUTS show how he deals with women leaders by refusing to shake Merkel's hand at photo op - or even look at her
 * 35) Trump makes hilarious wiretap joke with Merkel to which Merkel responded, I don't understand, I was actually wiretapped while you just made it up. So, how is that funny?
 * 36) Trump claims he is holding a big meeting on how to overhaul the VA at Mar-a-Lago because it was "the most convenient place" and "everybody wanted to go there". Also, Donald? Stop trying to make "The Southern White House" happen. It's embarrassing
 * 37) This weekend, you paid Trump the approximate cost of 500,000 Meals on Wheels for a "Veterans Affairs meeting" in Mar-a-Lago. Only it seems he forgot to bring the VA secretary. Or even to schedule the meeting
 * 38) Secret Service laptop containing the floor plans to Trump Tower and info about the Clinton email investigation stolen
 * 39) Breitbart wants Trump to go full Andrew Jackson and ignore the courts and their verdicts, because that's what you do in a Democracy
 * 40) Trump treats his staff as horribly as he treats everyone else. Film at 11
 * 41) Trump insults about her on the campaign trail are gonna make his meeting with Angela Merkel more awkward than that Thanksgiving where Uncle Cleetus "came out" and admitted to his turkey fetish
 * 42) Mideast surge has Pentagon concerned with 'mission creep' resulting from orders from 'commander creep'
 * 43) Sarcasm-illiterate (or actually illiterate) Trump press staffers include link to parody article skewering budget proposal in official daily briefing
 * 44) German broadcaster rescues Trump from Handshakegate
 * 45) For SOME reason the US government isn't responding to Ukraine's requests to interview Paul Manafort in connection to a corruption investigation. Gee, I wonder why that is
 * 46) No longer even trying to hide it
 * 47) Eric and Donald Jr. run daddy's businesses and are continually Tweeting about his policies while trying desperately not to violate various ethics laws. More than they already have
 * 48) So, if we eliminate funding for the National Endowment for the Arts, what could we use that money for? How about building one mile of the 405 freeway? Wait, make that "not even a mile"
 * 49) Lost in all the kerfluffle over (lack of) handshakes and awkward wiretapping jokes is the news that Trump wants Germany to "pay their fair share" in NATO. Because letting Germany arm up has worked out so well in the past
 * 50) President Trump wants the Mexican border wall to be higher than two double-decker buses, and have an 'aesthetically pleasing color' on the US side. Hmm, could that mean white?
 * 51) Trump still doesn't understand how NATO works
 * 52) West Wing 'chaos' as Trump seems 'hellbent on squandering' any gains by his administration: report
 * 53) It appears that someone is blowing smoke up the White House's arse with some crazy theory about smog
 * 54) Germany's defense minister to Trump: You know NATO doesn't work like that, right?
 * 55) Donald Trump's abhorrent science denial finally rouses Stephen Hawking's fury. Crush him in the claws of your giant mecha-suit, Stephen, crush him
 * 56) Turns out the best way to radicalize people is to strip them of their nationality. Not that this administration would know or anything
 * 57) Pro tip: Wait until the hearing is over before you mischaracterize someone's congressional testimony, Mr. President, or you run the risk of being corrected in real-time
 * 58) So we've ALL been thinking it, but credit goes to former Rep. David Jolly (R-FL) for being the first to come out and say it publicly: President Donald Trump isn't "intellectually qualified" to be president
 * 59) The age of open government is ending
 * 60) For all their denunciations of 'fake news,' the Trump administration has become a leading purveyor of it, and most of that seems to come to them via Moscow
 * 61) Tillerson to skip parent-teacher conference in lieu of hanging out with his best friend during school hours
 * 62) Trump threatens Republicans to support TrumpCare or lose their seats. Or possibly grab them by it, one of the two
 * 63) Hours after his SCOTUS nominee scolds President Trump for bashing federal judges, he doubles down and says no one can tell him what to do and he'll continue bashing the judiciary
 * 64) Another aspect of traditional presidentin' that Trump sucks at: he is the first president in well over 100 years that does not have a pet
 * 65) Wait until he finds out that the Ku Klux Klan was founded by Democrats
 * 66) Gorsuch believes it is improper to state opinions about historic cases. A SCOTUS appointee with no opinion or regard for precedent? The perfect candidate
 * 67) Donald Trump Jr. takes to Twitter to insult the Mayor of London over terrorist attack. I'm beginning to think there's a nature, not nurture thing going on here
 * 68) Rex Tillerson says the most powerful country on earth is unable to sustain a working State Department
 * 69) Having solved all the nation's problems and secured his legacy, President Trump turns his sights on teen who created website where you can punch Trump's face using a cat's paw
 * 70) Trump feels "somewhat vindicated" about his "wire tapping" allegations. "Somewhat vindicated" is in quotes meaning not actually vindicated at all
 * 71) Secret Service needs an additional 5,424,954 Meals on Wheels to protect President Trump's family and private home

The Great White Wall

 * 1) Why not a hundred foot high wall made from gold and diamonds that can't be seen by those who are unfit for their positions, stupid, or incompetent?
 * 2) President Trump wants the Mexican border wall to be higher than two double-decker buses, and have an 'aesthetically pleasing color' on the US side. Hmm, could that mean white?
 * 3) How Farking idiotic are Trump supporters? They chant Build the Wall while vacationing in Mexico. They may want to check out Snopes for the vacation pics story

Nobel Peace Prize

 * 1) President Trump nominated for Nobel Peace Prize. He's only been in office a month so the odds are against him, like our president has ever been daunted by the odds

Neo-Nazis

 * 1) Are you ready to hear the V.O.I.C.E. of America?
 * 2) Why Trump's VOICE program is drawing comparisons to Nazis. TL;DR: It's literally a Nazi policy
 * 3) Trump refers to HBCU Presidents as 'you people', but they're kind of ok with it as they expected him to say something worse
 * 4) Blaming the Klan on modern Democrats is like blaming the Unabomber on the Montana Territory, which I do so nyeh
 * 5) ICE is now arresting any illegal immigrant who speaks in public as part of a "targeted immigration enforcement action"
 * 6) A closer look at the disgraceful media response to Trump's "Presidential" racism
 * 7) I'm a Jewish American who worked with Steve Bannon. He is not a racist or an anti-Semite
 * 8) GOP congressman says holding town halls is like being yelled at in a ritual "that the Orientals used to do"
 * 9) Breitbart: Yo WaPo, while Trump's proposal to publish a list of immigrant crimes and their victims does have Nazi overtones, the big difference is that Hitler did it against loyal, legal, law abiding German Jews, not illegal criminals. So, checkmate
 * 10) Trump, Devos, Rick Scott visiting Orlando Catholic school to: A) push school choice; B) start drive to end free public schools; or C) perform Three Stooges short
 * 11) Thousands of ICE detainees claim they were forced into labor. "The US is running labor camps"
 * 12) Donald Trump: "ZOMG all these people are doing McCarthyism at me, this is evil". President Bannon: "McCarthy was a genius whose only fault was not going far enough"
 * 13) Guys, it's not a Muslim ban. We know this because Trump told us. Please don't look at his own website telling us how he wants "a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States"
 * 14) Steve Bannon's favorite book is part "Turner Diaries", part "World War Z", and part "The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs"
 * 15) Old people back racist party. This is not a repeat of the last 203,324 this has happened
 * 16) Ben Carson: Slaves were immigrants who dreamed of a better life
 * 17) There weren't any MFing immigrants on the MFing slave ships
 * 18) Guess who else called slaves immigrants... Oh how the outrage was
 * 19) Something is straining the relationship between President Trump and President Obama. They used to be BFFs; I'm not sure what happened
 * 20) House okays using taxpayer money for Islamic schools
 * 21) Trump supporters protest... Anti-Nazi Resistance Radio commercial for "The Man in the High Castle". Yes, Really
 * 22) Meh, we didn't need those Afghans who helped U.S. forces despite risk to life and limb anyways
 * 23) Steve King thinks he would look real snazzy in a Nazi uniform
 * 24) The Left's version of O'keefe is low energy, didn't even dress up for this, sad
 * 25) Republicans tell Steve King that he's being a little too obvious with the dog megaphone
 * 26) Trump to lay wreath at Andrew Jackson's grave, initiate new Trail of Tears to make room for real Americans, and cripple the Bank of the United States. Will he go all-in and call for the abolition of the Electoral College to ensure the populist voice?
 * 27) Gov. Mike Huckabee says Trump should do what Andrew Jackson did when courts overreached and just ignore them. Recall that Jackson was illegally kicking Indians off their land and sending them into a deadly forced march. Coming soon Trail of Tears II
 * 28) Yeah, okay, Mr. President. You got me with the references to both ATMs and the Trail of Tears. And for some reason, Democrats. Well played
 * 29) Well of course Trump's counterterrorism expert is a member of a Nazi group
 * 30) Trump puppetmaster Steve Bannon is a fan of notorious French anti-semite philosopher, because of course he is
 * 31) Inside internet hate site: "We're not a hate site"
 * 32) NOT NEWS: Punch-magnet white supremacist shames welfare. NEWS: Wearing bootstraps funded by millions in government subsidies. FARK: Paid to his family-owned cotton farm in Louisiana
 * 33) Turns out the best way to radicalize people is to strip them of their nationality. Not that this administration would know or anything
 * 34) Trump campaign chief turned Lobbyist Corey Lewandowski is raising money for a PAC designed to help "drain the swamp" and fight corruption in Washington. Man, who would've expected him to turn on his former boss like that?
 * 35) Trump takes personal credit and brags about increasing unemployment in African American males
 * 36) How Farking idiotic are Trump supporters? They chant Build the Wall while vacationing in Mexico. They may want to check out Snopes for the vacation pics story
 * 37) Georgia nonprofit was duped into unwittingly giving white supremacist Richard Spencer $25,000 after an anonymous donor gifted them the money with specific instructions

Child Care

 * 1) In shocking news, Trump's child care proposal will mainly help those making six figures and more

Privacy Protections

 * 1) Trump administration wants to strip privacy protections from non-U.S. citizens that have been in place for decades
 * 2) Privacy, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing. GOP wants to do away with FCC's entire privacy rulemaking to allow ISPs to sell your entire browsing history to advertisers or other third parties without your consent
 * 3) Good news, Republicans have found a way to cure you of your crippling internet porn addiction
 * 4) Comey: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Privacy? What the hell is that?

Keystone XL Pipeline

 * 1) Tillerson backs out of Keystone Pipeline review, eliminating one of his conflicts of interest, leaving him with only 1,395,025

Devil's Weed

 * 1) Trump policy on recreational weed seen as major buzzkill, logistical nightmare
 * 2) AG Jeff Sessions: "We have too much tolerance for marijuana use. We need to say, as Nancy Reagan said, 'Just say no.'" He then knocked back three fingers of bourbon and took a long, satisfying drag from an unfiltered Camel

Trump Tower Tapp

 * 1) "You know, Mr. President, the Russia stuff is heating up pretty badly. We need something to distract the media. How about...um...I dunno...maybe Obama tapped your phones? Think anyone would believe that?"
 * 2) Trump's entire staff has no clue where he came up with the wiretapping allegations
 * 3) White House attorneys scramble to come up with evidence to back Trump's 'wiretap' claims
 * 4) Here is a summary of TappGate, for those of you struggling to keep up with all the tapps at home
 * 5) Trump doubles down. In other news, popcorn stocks set to open at record highs
 * 6) FBI Director Comey asks Justice Department to publicly call BS on Trump's wiretapping claim
 * 7) It's Monday, so you know what that means: Trump's own agencies have told him that he's wrong about his weekend conspiracy rant, but he doesn't care and still believes his own derp
 * 8) "Although the law provides a great deal of leeway for political speech, that protection is not all encompassing. And because of the way Trump has leveled unsubstantiated accusations at Obama, he may have libeled his predecessor"
 * 9) President Trump has decided to use the power of his office to expose the potential duplicity and unscrupulous behavior of the Obama Administration in the wiretapping of his campaign
 * 10) Donald Trump: "ZOMG all these people are doing McCarthyism at me, this is evil". President Bannon: "McCarthy was a genius whose only fault was not going far enough"
 * 11) Even Sen. "Tehran Tom" Cotton isn't willing to hop aboard Trump's latest crazy Train
 * 12) Trump's new strategy is to make up a conspiracy to deflect from the seriousness of the Russia ties. Yeah, we've been over this, CNN; you're late to the party
 * 13) Harvard grad and Constitutional lawyer who clerked for the Supreme Court on Trump's wiretap tweets: "Yeah, he pretty much stepped on his own dick big league, and should be shiatcanned." Well, he said it a little more eloquently, but you get the idea
 * 14) FBI Director Comey doesn't want to stay under the bus OR fall on his sword for Trump
 * 15) May we present: Trump's proof of the wire tapp. And you know he'd tapp that
 * 16) Not only is the source of Trump being tapped being hacked, but now maybe she's being tapped or attacked for revealing that Russians hackers planted false Hillary mail on Weiner's laptop.Or something. It's not all that clear what's going on. Go figure
 * 17) Mr. President, about those wiretapp allegations? Yeah....well we're sorry sir, but this time you're on your own
 * 18) Trump hasn't even bothered to ask his FBI director to verify his Obama wiretap claims. Smartest president ever, don'cha know, just bigly yuuugely smart I'm telling yaz
 * 19) White House claims that Trump's allegations that Obama tapped his phones is evidence of wrongdoing even if it turns out to be false
 * 20) House judiciary Republicans ask for FBI briefing on Trump's wiretapping claims, moon landing from 1969, and whereabouts of the Tooth Fairy
 * 21) Reporter: "Mr. Pence, do you believe Trump's claim about Obama wiretapping him, yes or no?" VP Pence: "EVASIVE MANEUVERS, EVASIVE MANEUVERS. ALL POWER TO PORT THRUSTERS AND TRANSFER ALL POWER TO DEFLECTOR SHIELDS"
 * 22) White House finally responds to growing questions about Wikileaks CIA dump, Trump's wiretap accusation and connections to Russia...by canceling all press events
 * 23) House Intelligence Committee requests that Trump FW:FW:FW:FW:FW: over his evidence of wiretapping by Monday
 * 24) House Intelligence Committee set today as the deadline for Trump to provide evidence he was the victim of an Obama "wiretapp." Will Trump follow through? What will happen if he fails to provide the evidence? Either way, things will get crazy today
 * 25) Spicer will finally reveal the wiretapping evidence against Obama- or implode. (Live at 1ish EST)
 * 26) Trump 'doesn't really think' Obama personally tapped his phone. Last five words completely unnecessary
 * 27) Welcome to Politics 2017 - The Year of the Walk Back
 * 28) Trump again says he was wiretapped as long as you include people listening to people in any situation as wiretapping
 * 29) Human-pug hybrid Kellyanne Conway pulls another alternative fact out of her rectum, says the Trump campaign was monitored in other ways
 * 30) Small appliance expert Kellyanne Conway says she's not sure what was used to spy on Trump campaign, because she's "not inspector Gadget." Yes, that was a quote
 * 31) SHOCKING CONFESSION: In his own words, Obama admits to wiretapping Trump
 * 32) FTFA: In what can be described as journalistic malpractice and a gross dereliction of duty, the alt-left radical propaganda press continues to insist there is some nefarious connection between President Trump and Moscow. Evidence? They don't need any
 * 33) Obviously, the reason no one can find any evidence that Obama ordered Trump wiretapped is because he asked James Bond to do it
 * 34) "Morning Joe" host Mika Brzezinski looks into camera and says directly to Trump: "It's a very serious allegation. And it questions everything that you're about. And it questions whether we can ever believe you, and whether Americans can believe you"
 * 35) Trump defenders are starting to sound like English Lit professors at a Joyce seminar: "So now you have to decide, are you going to take the tweets literally? And if you are then clearly the president was wrong. But if you're not"
 * 36) "Nobody ever talks about the fact that [the words 'wires tapped' was in quotes [in the tweet], but that's a very important thing"]
 * 37) "Yikes My microwave is watching me...defrost the chicken." Kellyanne Conway sheds light on how our household appliances know everything we do
 * 38) The failing, rigged, fake New York Times article used the word wiretap which makes me smart
 * 39) It's official: Obama did not tap that Ass
 * 40) Is the president "wrong" when he says that "wiretapping" means both "wiretapping" and "not wiretapping"? It depends on what your definition of "is" is
 * 41) Enjoy Sean Spicer's latest Melissa McCarthy impersonation
 * 42) Obviously, the reason no one can find any evidence that Obama ordered Trump wiretapped is because he asked James Bond to do it
 * 43) White House officially downgrades its apology to "an explanation"
 * 44) Deputy Director of the NSA calls Trump's UK spying allegations "just crazy", "arrant nonsense". Then insinuates Trump is ignorant and stupid. Why yes, he is retiring shortly
 * 45) No longer even trying to hide it
 * 46) Secret Service laptop containing the floor plans to Trump Tower and info about the Clinton email investigation stolen
 * 47) And today Comey throws Trump under the bus
 * 48) Intel offers no evidence of Trump Tower spying. To be honest, I always suspected AMD
 * 49) UK Intelligence Chief warns that Russia may have been behind Donald Trump's claim that British intelligence had wiretapped Trump Tower
 * 50) Rep Trey Gowdy attempts a high profile "But what about..." during the Comey hearing, but doesn't quite stick the landing
 * 51) White House continues to defend wiretapping claim despite today's contrary statements from "so-called FBI Director" Comey
 * 52) David Cameron jokes that a main perk of no longer being British Prime Minister is that he doesn't have to listen to Donald Trump's wiretapped conversations any more, proving British brand of Conservative Humour is as weak as its American cousin
 * 53) People close to the president say Mr. Trump's Twitter torrent had less to do with fact, strategy or tactic than a sense of persecution bordering on faith: He simply believes that he was bugged in some way, by someone
 * 54) Rep. Nunes claims that Trump people were picked up on FBI wiretaps of Russians, which means, technically, Obama wiretapped the Trump campaign, which is the best kind of wiretapping
 * 55) House Intelligence Committee Democrat Adam Schiff calls for independent investigation after Chairperson Devin Nunes decides to throw protocol out the window and brief the President that shiat is hitting the fan faster than anyone expected *DUN DUN*
 * 56) Rep. Nunes thought he was putting out the Trump Tweet Tapp fire. Only he reached for gasoline instead of water
 * 57) Trump feels "somewhat vindicated" about his "wire tapping" allegations. "Somewhat vindicated" is in quotes meaning not actually vindicated at all

Illiterate

 * 1) Trump still doesn't understand how NATO works
 * 2) So we've ALL been thinking it, but credit goes to former Rep. David Jolly (R-FL) for being the first to come out and say it publicly: President Donald Trump isn't "intellectually qualified" to be president

"Terror"

 * 1) The "administration" of Donald Trump "seems to" like using "scare quotes" a "whole lot"
 * 2) Turns out the best way to radicalize people is to strip them of their nationality. Not that this administration would know or anything
 * 3) Homeland Security publishes list of 118 terrorist occupied cities. Bombing begins in five minutes
 * 4) Step 1: Steal car. Step 2: Drive to White House. Step 3: Declare there is a bomb in your car at a Secret Service checkpoint. Step 4: Get featured on Fark

Planned Parenthood

 * 1) Planned Parenthood aborts Trump's offer to fund them if they stop providing their least-used service that isn't even covered by government funding

B-b-but, her emails!

 * 1) Donald Trump just became Hillary Clinton's email ally
 * 2) Secret Service laptop containing the floor plans to Trump Tower and info about the Clinton email investigation stolen

Abolish Taxes

 * 1) Clammy porcelain Republican kingmaker Matt Drudge says he now wants his vote back because Republicans haven't abolished the concept of taxes yet

LGBTQ Community

 * 1) Homophobic pastor Wayne Allyn Root says Donald Trump is "like a wife who makes passionate love to you every day, seven days a week." Even on the Sabbath

Unsupported Voter Fraud Accusations

 * 1) Trump has toned down his voter fraud accusations, and for some reason Congressional Republicans appear relieved about it

Ending Medicare

 * 1) Trumpcare raids Medicare to enrich the wealthy and plant a bomb meant to destroy it forever. America First, indeed

Privatization of all government

 * 1) Air Traffic Controllers
 * 2) President Trump wants to privatize the nation's air traffic controllers to save money. What could possibly go wrong?

Russian Spy Ship Sighting

 * 1) In what may be an emerging pattern, another Russian spy ship is spotted off the coast of the US

Torture

 * 1) Lindsey Graham threatens to impeach Trump if he starts waterboarding. I hope surfboarding is still okay, since we know Trump loves his water sports