Drumpfster Fire

A compilation of Fark threads related to the dumpster fire that is the administration of the 45th President of the United States of America.

This page is for the mess for the current month,  =Head Toupee=

Nicknames
''This section will provide the many nicknames this asshole has earned for the month of  with credit when known. They are in approximate order of appearance on the internet.''

For the full, categorized list, please visit this page
 * 1) Orange Death
 * 2) Tangerine Twitterer
 * 3) kommander combover
 * 4) President Abusive Dad
 * 5) Surrogate President Trump
 * 6) Adolf Twitler
 * 7) Drumpfrey Blowhard
 * 8) President Trainwreck
 * 9) Trumperdorf
 * 10) President Jellyman
 * 11) douchebag Donnie
 * 12) High Lord Douchebag
 * 13) Tweaker Tweeter
 * 14) Thalidomide Thumbs
 * 15) The Commander in Cheet
 * 16) Daffy Drumpf

Daily Chaos

 * This section covers the chaos for 
 * For the full mess, please visit the archive
 * For General Fuckery, check below

The President's Address to Congress

 * 1) Colbert completed Trump's 'say it to my face' challenge
 * 2) Here is the real democratic response to Trump's speech
 * 3) With a coherent speech for once, Donald Trump may have just had his Bar Mitzvah moment
 * 4) Apparently not having learned their lesson from the past election, Democrats pick the most underwhelming candidate they could find to deliver the Democratic response to Trump. How underwhelming? Even Rachel Maddow panned him as small and stunty
 * 5) President ME has left the building: Trump references self 60 percent less than Obama in first SOTU address. And remember, this is Donald Trump we are talking about
 * 6) Factchecking of Trump's speech exceeds expectations by 17%
 * 7) Of the three bills and two executive orders President Trumpler signed yesterday, guess which one wasn't given a signing ceremony or photoshoot
 * 8) Trump's first address to congress was watched by three billion people, more than any other American President before him
 * 9) We now know Trump is no ballerina, he didn't have a one-night "pivot" concerning his State of the Union speech, so just stop picturing him in a tutu
 * 10) Fox News was the most-watched cable network for Trump's State of The Confederacy speech
 * 11) "The media's reaction to his speech to Congress was shameful"

Christopher Steele
former British spy, Trump opposition research dossier author
 * 1) Castor bean and polonium futures surge as Trump Dossier author Christopher Steele emerges in London eager to return to his position as head of Orbis Business Intelligence. Something tells me we're about to see an extremely busy news cycle

Laws Signed

 * 1) Of the three bills and two executive orders President Trumpler signed yesterday, guess which one wasn't given a signing ceremony or photoshoot

Executive Orders

 * 1) Of the three bills and two executive orders President Trumpler signed yesterday, guess which one wasn't given a signing ceremony or photoshoot

Meglomania, Jingoism

 * 1) Remember Trump's fawning, gladhanding, insincere meeting with Times people back in November, when he called the paper a "jewel," praised Obama and admitted that maybe global warming was true? Well, they fell for it again
 * 2) Evil liberal leftist enemy of democracy CNN continues to destroy America by praising Donald Trump for using the power of his spoken words to single-handedly send the DJIA soaring 200 points to over 21,000
 * 3) President ME has left the building: Trump references self 60 percent less than Obama in first SOTU address. And remember, this is Donald Trump we are talking about
 * 4) You may be wondering why Elon Musk has been cozying up to the Trump administration. And the new Tesla facilities in Russia is just a coincidence
 * 5) Looks like Trump is right, News coverage of him is really, really negative. Even on Fox News. To be fair, there are only so many positive ways one can cover a turd
 * 6) Colbert completed Trump's 'say it to my face' challenge
 * 7) The Great Trump Recovery from the Obama Recession has officially begun
 * 8) Odd, just eight years ago a president asking for a lot of money for infrastructure projects was grounds for conservative riots, death threats, and impeachment talks
 * 9) Trump's first address to congress was watched by three billion people, more than any other American President before him
 * 10) People who know point out how Trump has changed his wardrobe to look less Trumpian. Same people throw up their hands over Sean Spicer
 * 11) Trump attempts to deflect the latest revelation involving one of his staffers coordinating with Russia by going on Twitter and making fake claims about the economy
 * 12) Trump to give speech aboard USS Gerald Ford at 2:30 p.m. EDT. Will he stumble and trip?
 * 13) As if "alternative facts" weren't bad enough, "alternative intelligence" will lead us straight to war. Again
 * 14) Despite what he says, Trump loves Obama. How much? First, Melania plagiarized Michelle's speech at the Convention. Now, Trump uses Obama's weakness as his own, i.e. not explaining his policies better with the American people
 * 15) The Trump-Beltway wars have only just begun
 * 16) Celebrate the 1st year anniversary of President Trump announcing his penis is not only bigly YUGE, but that it's armed and fully operational. #trumpclass
 * 17) After putting in so much effort and hard work not to sound unhinged during his speech to congress Trump rewards himself with spending the weekend at his Mar-A-Lago estate
 * 18) Today is the day that Trump supporters will show their strength in March 4 Trump rallies all across the country. Already tens of Trump supporters have shown up at the National Mall
 * 19) Video has emerged of Donald Trump's oval office Tirade against Bannon, Priebus et al last Friday. And No, this is not a "Downfall" rickroll, though, in some ways the similarities s ARE striking
 * 20) You know you're a lonely person when you find yourself taking a life-sized cardboard cutout of President Trump on camping trips, boat rides, and a country music festival
 * 21) The serious case for Oprah 2020
 * 22) "Today is the day when all patriotic Americans will show President Trump all the respect he deserves"
 * 23) Donald Trump $2 bills are the best $2 bills ever. Everyone thinks so. It's fantastic U.S. legal tender. They are worth at least $13.95 each. Other $2 bills may be worth only $2. Sad
 * 24) Looks like there's a big-ass bus barreling towards Chief of Staff Reince Priebus. The well-oiled machine is constantly crashing and everyone - including Trump - is starting to point the finger at him
 * 25) President Trump has decided to use the power of his office to expose the potential duplicity and unscrupulous behavior of the Obama Administration in the wiretapping of his campaign
 * 26) Handed out with a photo of him signing it, Trump doubles down on Muslim ban
 * 27) Trump has 26 million Twitter followers but is only following 43 people and businesses. And most of those businesses are his own
 * 28) Welcome to the post-truth presidency
 * 29) Lots of people showed up for "March 4 Trump" rallies across the country, if you count maybe 150 people total as a lot of people
 * 30) Trump is making America so great that Blacks, Latinos, and Whites all agree that race relations are getting worse since he took office. Asians? No idea. Great people, Asians. The best
 * 31) Russian hacking of the DNC is a problem, not a scandal. The scandal is this: Who inside the government of the United States is trying to discredit, damage or destroy the President of the United States?
 * 32) Hey everyone, looks like everything is running smoothly. Trump's tweets speak for themselves
 * 33) 8 tricks for defending Trump on the left. More tricks on the right
 * 34) A minute-by-minute breakdown of two hours of this morning's "Fox & Friends" and President Trump's tweets that soon followed and referenced each story almost verbatim
 * 35) Trump surprises kids on White House tour because everyone thought he was at Mar-a-Lago again
 * 36) Now that President Trump has figured out this White House gig his approval ratings have started to climb

FLOTUS BS

 * 1) "I am a passionate believer in integrating and interpreting nature's elements into our daily lives" Did Melania just come out as a Wiccan?
 * 2) Melania Trump read to some students for National Book Day, and not since the My Pet Goat incident of 2001 has a public political storytime gone so horribly wrong

Generalissimo Know-It-All

 * 1) Trump uses dead soldier's widow as a prop in joint address, even though he was most likely responsible for soldier's death. Soldier's father agrees. How about a "shameless" tag on Fark?
 * 2) Rachel Maddow to Hugh Hewitt: Shut the fark up Huey. That's what Trump said
 * 3) Remember how we joked that all Trump needed to look the part of third world despot was the military regalia? Well, he apparently thought it was a neat idea
 * 4) Trump's desire for a military buildup is a solution to a problem that does not exist and it is dangerous, irrational, and a waste of money

Coward

 * 1) Remember Trump's fawning, gladhanding, insincere meeting with Times people back in November, when he called the paper a "jewel," praised Obama and admitted that maybe global warming was true? Well, they fell for it again
 * 2) Looks like Trump is right, News coverage of him is really, really negative. Even on Fox News. To be fair, there are only so many positive ways one can cover a turd
 * 3) Trump says one thing to journalists and another thing to the public. White House staffers: Uh, we meant to do that
 * 4) Shepard Smith thinks it's hilarious the White House gave Fox News some "anonymous sources" after Trump just criticized the media for using them
 * 5) President Trump's latest attempt to stop the damaging leaks coming from the White House leaks to the press
 * 6) The media is targeting Jeff Sessions because he uncovered the ultra-secret Department of Justice slush fund that Obama and his predecessors used to keep the media in line

Muslim ban

 * 1) Donald Trump holds off signing the second iteration of the Travel Ban order because he doesn't want to take the courts to court again
 * 2) Trump's new and improved travel ban order is going to exclude Iraq from the list of countries that travel is banned from. You know, Iraq? The country ISIS currently controls about half of? Yeah that place
 * 3) Travel Ban Volume 2 to be released on Monday
 * 4) Handed out with a photo of him signing it, Trump doubles down on Muslim ban
 * 5) Guys, it's not a Muslim ban. We know this because Trump told us. Please don't look at his own website telling us how he wants "a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States"

Fiddling with foreign relations
This section has become too large, hence it has been given its own page: The World Outside the U.S. Post-Drumpf for all threads related to the economic sanctions against Russia, please click here

Russian Economic Sanctions
for all threads related to the economic sanctions against Russia, please click here


 * 1) Well that didn't take long, Trump administration goes from defending Sessions as a victim of a partisan witch hunt to "hey, we didn't know he met with Russians until we turned on the TV this morning". Oh, Beauregard, we hardly knew ye
 * 2) Trump campaign: We had nothing to do with altering the RNC platform to effectively cede Ukraine to Russia. Reality: The platform was altered by a campaign staffer on orders from Trump himself
 * 3) Trump surrogates peek out into the light, admit that maybe they talked to some Russians once for 5 minutes about nothing in particular and it's nothing to worry about and they're sorry they forgot to mention it
 * 4) After every Trump revelation, the following 13 step formula is followed, rinsed and repeated
 * 5) "Follow the money." This is not a repeat from Watergate, Iran-Contra, Whitewater, nor the pickup line Drew told the hooker last week
 * 6) By acting like a paranoid crybaby, Donald Trump has inadvertently destroyed the narrative that Russia hacked our presidential election

Russian Hackers

 * 1) Not only is the source of Trump being tapped being hacked, but now maybe she's being tapped or attacked for revealing that Russians hackers planted false Hillary mail on Weiner's laptop.Or something. It's not all that clear what's going on. Go figure
 * 2) Wikileaks is publishing all of Donald's secrets. Wait, it's only 1000s of CIA documents? That's not the same thing? But he's the President. Damn you Obama
 * 3) So the CIA stole Russian hacking software to make it look like the Russians were hacking people when it was really the CIA. So was the CIA the real DNC email hacker?
 * 4) Apparently Republicans have become Russia's b*tches

ACA

 * 1) Thanks to Trump's war against immigrants and Obamacare, a lot of poor white trash in red states are going to die horrible, painful deaths from preventable illnesses
 * 2) Trump approves of RINObamacare 2.0, setting the stage for a Derpstitutional Crisis

Physical Health
For threads concerning mental health, please click here
 * 1) CEO of Campari wants to see what would happen if we got President Trump mind-bendingly drunk: "I think a Negroni would do him very good." Thus began WWIII

Finding Jesus

 * 1) The Lord is My Shepherd
 * 2) God is shielding Trump from witchcraft and sorcery. basically Jeff Sessions is now reactor shielding. so he's got that going for him. which is nice

Refugees

 * 1) Canada expecting record numbers of people to flee the United States and seek asylum. Hardliners demand that the Canadian government deploy their crack bear cavalry and moose chuckers to secure the border
 * 2) Not news: People illegally crossing the border. News: Into Canada. Fark: Not as many as in 2008

Immigrants

 * 1) Are you ready to hear the V.O.I.C.E. of America?
 * 2) Why Trump's VOICE program is drawing comparisons to Nazis. TL;DR: It's literally a Nazi policy
 * 3) Trump administration wants to strip privacy protections from non-U.S. citizens that have been in place for decades
 * 4) Trump points to Canada as a model for U.S. immigration reform. Leave us out of this please
 * 5) Are you a legal immigrant? Do you already hold a green card? Well, according to The Chief White House Strategist, and member of the National Security Council, "Legal immigration is the 'real' problem"
 * 6) Trump says one thing to journalists and another thing to the public. White House staffers: Uh, we meant to do that
 * 7) ICE is now arresting any illegal immigrant who speaks in public as part of a "targeted immigration enforcement action"
 * 8) Everyone: Trump's immigration policy can't possibly get any crueler. White House: Hold our taco bowls
 * 9) Today ICE's crack goon squad made America safer by arresting a man who has lived in this country for more than 20 years, while he was taking his daughter to school, because he had a ten-year old DUI and a busted registration sticker 20 years ago
 * 10) Thanks to Trump's war against immigrants and Obamacare, a lot of poor white trash in red states are going to die horrible, painful deaths from preventable illnesses
 * 11) We're paying for this new travel ban by cutting coastal and air security. I'm sure this makes sense to someone, but that someone shouldn't be anywhere near the reins of power
 * 12) Trump's grandfather once wrote a letter groveling and begging not to be deported

Muslin Usurper

 * 1) Obama's old friend Eric Holder says that no, Obama is not organizing the opposition to Trump...but if Trump keeps this up, Obama might be, very soon
 * 2) Valerie Jarrett has moved in with the Obamas. So that's how it is in their family
 * 3) Barack Obama's politically active post-presidency isn't normal, or good
 * 4) 122 "vicious" Gitmo detainees released by Obama have gone back to terrorism, tweets the Trump. Give or take 113 who were released by George W. Bush

Ninja Obama Staffers

 * 1) In their final days, Obama aides spread intelligence on Trump associates and Russia across agencies as a trail for investigators
 * 2) The latest conspiracy theory from fringe alt-right radio shock jocks? Obama holdovers in government are "committing treason" against Trump to cover up their crimes

Threatening future home of Obama Presidential Library

 * 1) Trumps plans on slashing the EPA budget for Great Lakes pollution cleanup by 97% because who needs to keep largest supply of liquid fresh water on the planet clean

The Economy

 * 1) Trump attempts to deflect the latest revelation involving one of his staffers coordinating with Russia by going on Twitter and making fake claims about the economy

"Cost cutting" measures

 * 1) After 139 years, Trump may cancel the annual White House Easter Egg Roll, despite the Easter Bunny being white
 * 2) Trumps plans on slashing the EPA budget for Great Lakes pollution cleanup by 97% because who needs to keep largest supply of liquid fresh water on the planet clean
 * 3) NOAA to be gutted under Trump. Because who needs accurate weather forecasts, hurricane warnings, and current information on lightning strikes

The Dow

 * 1) The Great Trump Recovery from the Obama Recession has officially begun

Fiddling with Regulations

 * 1) If your idea of fun is using your $1,000,000 annual bonus to go on a field trip where you get to shoot wadded up private customer data rounds at cutouts of bums while dumping toxic waste into a river, you're loving the Trump administration about now

Infrastructure

 * 1) Odd, just eight years ago a president asking for a lot of money for infrastructure projects was grounds for conservative riots, death threats, and impeachment talks
 * 2) Trump: "We're going to re-build America with American steel." *offer not valid in United States, check local listings for details
 * 3) Why did Trump reverse his mandate to use U.S. steel in the Keystone XL pipeline? Nobody knows, but a Russian oligarch with close ties to Putin stands to make a bunch of money from it. Fancy that

Stupidity

 * 1) As if "alternative facts" weren't bad enough, "alternative intelligence" will lead us straight to war. Again
 * 2) Trump, Devos, Rick Scott visiting Orlando Catholic school to: A) push school choice; B) start drive to end free public schools; or C) perform Three Stooges short
 * 3) Trumps plans on slashing the EPA budget for Great Lakes pollution cleanup by 97% because who needs to keep largest supply of liquid fresh water on the planet clean
 * 4) Trump's entire staff has no clue where he came up with the wiretapping allegations
 * 5) Here is a summary of TappGate, for those of you struggling to keep up with all the tapps at home
 * 6) We're only 46 days in a perpetual state of crisis and the Trump administration has yet to deal with a major foreign policy challenge
 * 7) 8 tricks for defending Trump on the left. More tricks on the right
 * 8) A minute-by-minute breakdown of two hours of this morning's "Fox & Friends" and President Trump's tweets that soon followed and referenced each story almost verbatim
 * 9) Apparently Republicans have become Russia's b*tches

Misinformation
This section has become too large, hence it has been given its own page: Drumpfster Fire Misinformation

Neo-Nazis

 * 1) Are you ready to hear the V.O.I.C.E. of America?
 * 2) Why Trump's VOICE program is drawing comparisons to Nazis. TL;DR: It's literally a Nazi policy
 * 3) Trump refers to HBCU Presidents as 'you people', but they're kind of ok with it as they expected him to say something worse
 * 4) Blaming the Klan on modern Democrats is like blaming the Unabomber on the Montana Territory, which I do so nyeh
 * 5) ICE is now arresting any illegal immigrant who speaks in public as part of a "targeted immigration enforcement action"
 * 6) A closer look at the disgraceful media response to Trump's "Presidential" racism
 * 7) I'm a Jewish American who worked with Steve Bannon. He is not a racist or an anti-Semite
 * 8) GOP congressman says holding town halls is like being yelled at in a ritual "that the Orientals used to do"
 * 9) Breitbart: Yo WaPo, while Trump's proposal to publish a list of immigrant crimes and their victims does have Nazi overtones, the big difference is that Hitler did it against loyal, legal, law abiding German Jews, not illegal criminals. So, checkmate
 * 10) Trump, Devos, Rick Scott visiting Orlando Catholic school to: A) push school choice; B) start drive to end free public schools; or C) perform Three Stooges short
 * 11) Thousands of ICE detainees claim they were forced into labor. "The US is running labor camps"
 * 12) Donald Trump: "ZOMG all these people are doing McCarthyism at me, this is evil". President Bannon: "McCarthy was a genius whose only fault was not going far enough"
 * 13) Guys, it's not a Muslim ban. We know this because Trump told us. Please don't look at his own website telling us how he wants "a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States"
 * 14) Steve Bannon's favorite book is part "Turner Diaries", part "World War Z", and part "The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs"
 * 15) Old people back racist party. This is not a repeat of the last 203,324 this has happened
 * 16) Ben Carson: Slaves were immigrants who dreamed of a better life
 * 17) There weren't any MFing immigrants on the MFing slave ships
 * 18) Guess who else called slaves immigrants... Oh how the outrage was

Child Care

 * 1) In shocking news, Trump's child care proposal will mainly help those making six figures and more

Privacy Protections

 * 1) Trump administration wants to strip privacy protections from non-U.S. citizens that have been in place for decades

Devil's Weed

 * 1) Trump policy on recreational weed seen as major buzzkill, logistical nightmare

Trump Tower Tapp

 * 1) "You know, Mr. President, the Russia stuff is heating up pretty badly. We need something to distract the media. How about...um...I dunno...maybe Obama tapped your phones? Think anyone would believe that?"
 * 2) Trump's entire staff has no clue where he came up with the wiretapping allegations
 * 3) White House attorneys scramble to come up with evidence to back Trump's 'wiretap' claims
 * 4) Here is a summary of TappGate, for those of you struggling to keep up with all the tapps at home
 * 5) Trump doubles down. In other news, popcorn stocks set to open at record highs
 * 6) FBI Director Comey asks Justice Department to publicly call BS on Trump's wiretapping claim
 * 7) It's Monday, so you know what that means: Trump's own agencies have told him that he's wrong about his weekend conspiracy rant, but he doesn't care and still believes his own derp
 * 8) "Although the law provides a great deal of leeway for political speech, that protection is not all encompassing. And because of the way Trump has leveled unsubstantiated accusations at Obama, he may have libeled his predecessor"
 * 9) President Trump has decided to use the power of his office to expose the potential duplicity and unscrupulous behavior of the Obama Administration in the wiretapping of his campaign
 * 10) Donald Trump: "ZOMG all these people are doing McCarthyism at me, this is evil". President Bannon: "McCarthy was a genius whose only fault was not going far enough"
 * 11) Even Sen. "Tehran Tom" Cotton isn't willing to hop aboard Trump's latest crazy Train
 * 12) Trump's new strategy is to make up a conspiracy to deflect from the seriousness of the Russia ties. Yeah, we've been over this, CNN; you're late to the party
 * 13) Harvard grad and Constitutional lawyer who clerked for the Supreme Court on Trump's wiretap tweets: "Yeah, he pretty much stepped on his own dick big league, and should be shiatcanned." Well, he said it a little more eloquently, but you get the idea
 * 14) FBI Director Comey doesn't want to stay under the bus OR fall on his sword for Trump
 * 15) May we present: Trump's proof of the wire tapp. And you know he'd tapp that
 * 16) Not only is the source of Trump being tapped being hacked, but now maybe she's being tapped or attacked for revealing that Russians hackers planted false Hillary mail on Weiner's laptop.Or something. It's not all that clear what's going on. Go figure

Planned Parenthood

 * 1) Planned Parenthood aborts Trump's offer to fund them if they stop providing their least-used service that isn't even covered by government funding

Executive grifting

 * This section covers the grifting for the month of 
 * To view griftzilla in all its glory, please visit the archive


 * 1) Let me tell you, this David guy, OK? He's got a camp, and it's garbage. I mean, just the worst. I'm not the only one saying it, everybody hates this guy's camp, believe me. The door handles are made of wood, there's barns... it's a total mess
 * 2) Trump's sons are plotting to leverage their ties established during the campaign

Leaks

 * 1) President Trump's latest attempt to stop the damaging leaks coming from the White House leaks to the press
 * 2) Fmr. NSA analyst: Intel sources say White House 'targeting journalists' with 'help from Russian intel' - Nothing to see here, move along comrade

Investigations
For the full mess, please visit the archive

Trump Campaign Contacts with Russian Officials

 * 1) A timeline of Jeff Sessions' relationship with the Trump campaign and his own conversations with Russian officials
 * 2) Just in case you've lost count here's a list of Trump's campaign advisors, that we know of at this writing, who have met with the Russians just to say hi and shoot the shiat
 * 3) Sorry Dems, the whole Jeff Sessions gig you've got going is nothing but fake news
 * 4) And here it is. The stupidest thing you will read all day
 * 5) Russia's foreign minister decries the investigations into the Trump Administration's contacts with Russia using nearly identical language to that which Trump himself used. Dude, you're NOT helping
 * 6) Trump campaign: We had nothing to do with altering the RNC platform to effectively cede Ukraine to Russia. Reality: The platform was altered by a campaign staffer on orders from Trump himself
 * 7) After every Trump revelation, the following 13 step formula is followed, rinsed and repeated
 * 8) Let's check in on the only Russian Trump *hasn't* talked to
 * 9) That time when candidate Trump met with the Russian Ambassador and then lied about it

Possible Russian Interference Of 2016 POTUS Election

 * 1) And Jeff recuses
 * 2) Trump has "total confidence" in Jeff Sessions. Sorry, Jeff
 * 3) Sessions and other Trump surrogates demanded Loretta Lynch recuse herself under similar circumstances, but that was different because Sessions is a white man
 * 4) Good thing Trump's campaign funds didn't pay for Sessions's visit with Rus--oh

Possible Interference with Economic Sanctions Against Russia

 * 1) Confederate States of America signs non-aggression pact with Russia
 * 2) What exactly did Jeff Sessions say to the Russian ambassador and when did he know it?
 * 3) WH ordered to keep all information they have regarding Russia. Presumably for the big bonfire they'll have when Putin has a state visit
 * 4) Dems to Sessions: GTFO
 * 5) And.... Here.... We... Go
 * 6) And now we have a running list of people demanding Jefferson Beauregard Sessions resign and leave the Confederacy in disgrace after it was revealed he spoke with Russia illegally
 * 7) Well that didn't take long, Trump administration goes from defending Sessions as a victim of a partisan witch hunt to "hey, we didn't know he met with Russians until we turned on the TV this morning". Oh, Beauregard, we hardly knew ye
 * 8) NEW BOMBSHELL: Jared Kushner and Mike Flynn met with the Russians in December
 * 9) Trump campaign: We had nothing to do with altering the RNC platform to effectively cede Ukraine to Russia. Reality: The platform was altered by a campaign staffer on orders from Trump himself
 * 10) Trump surrogates peek out into the light, admit that maybe they talked to some Russians once for 5 minutes about nothing in particular and it's nothing to worry about and they're sorry they forgot to mention it
 * 11) After every Trump revelation, the following 13 step formula is followed, rinsed and repeated
 * 12) "Follow the money." This is not a repeat from Watergate, Iran-Contra, Whitewater, nor the pickup line Drew told the hooker last week

Nadler's "Resolution of Inquiry"
demanding Attorney General hand over "any document, record, memo, correspondence or other communication” pertaining to “criminal or counterintelligence investigations” related to Trump, White House staff or his business"

Crimes
This section will include all Fark threads related to crimes committed by the Head Toupee For the full mess, please visit the archive

Possible Campaign Finance Inproprieties

 * 1) Watchdog groups: Trump team helped themselves to alt-legal campaign contributions after the election
 * 2) Good thing Trump's campaign funds didn't pay for Sessions's visit with Rus--oh

Possible Libel

 * 1) "Although the law provides a great deal of leeway for political speech, that protection is not all encompassing. And because of the way Trump has leveled unsubstantiated accusations at Obama, he may have libeled his predecessor"

Conflicts of Interest

 * 1) Trump hotel in Azerbaijan was a front for the Iranian Revolutionary Guard

Pay-to-play

 * 1) Why did Trump reverse his mandate to use U.S. steel in the Keystone XL pipeline? Nobody knows, but a Russian oligarch with close ties to Putin stands to make a bunch of money from it. Fancy that

Lawsuits
This section will include all Fark threads related to lawsuits filed against the Head Toupee for the month of  For the full mess, please visit the archive

Citizens Action Coalition, et al. v. Indiana House Rep.
Pence hid emails when governor of Indiana
 * 1) File this under "It's totes okay when we do it"
 * 2) Mike Pence says there's no comparison to Clinton on his private email use, as he's a Republican with a penis
 * 3) Vice President Mike Pence demands apology from media for publishing his wife's private email address... which became a matter of public record because Mike Pence used his private email account to conduct government business

Removal From Office
For the full mess, please visit the archive

25th Amendment Solution

 * 1) "You know, Mr. President, the Russia stuff is heating up pretty badly. We need something to distract the media. How about...um...I dunno...maybe Obama tapped your phones? Think anyone would believe that?"
 * 2) Donald Trump suffered an outright personality breakdown on Twitter after the wiretap comments, and Twitter has reacted accordingly; "We need to keep him away from the nuclear launch codes today"
 * 3) Congressman points out to Trump that if his TT phones were tapped, then he's in deeper poop than he imagined because the tap would have required a warrant, which in turn would have required Probable Cause in front of a FISA judge
 * 4) President Trump goes nuts on senior staff, grounds Bannon and Preibus, before heading to yet another weekend getaway
 * 5) Trump's entire staff has no clue where he came up with the wiretapping allegations
 * 6) When you have access to the most powerful intelligence and spy agencies in the world and you get your information from Infowars and Briebart, people are going to start thinking you're a little deranged
 * 7) Donald Trump: "ZOMG all these people are doing McCarthyism at me, this is evil". President Bannon: "McCarthy was a genius whose only fault was not going far enough"
 * 8) Impeachment was our last hope. No. There is another

Impeachment

 * 1) Harvard grad and Constitutional lawyer who clerked for the Supreme Court on Trump's wiretap tweets: "Yeah, he pretty much stepped on his own dick big league, and should be shiatcanned." Well, he said it a little more eloquently, but you get the idea

Article 1, Section 9, Clause 8
Emoluments Clause

Job Creator

 * 1) Midwesterners made Trump the President, now they want him to invent a new reality where automation never happened so they can have a $14/hr job soldering the same wire onto the same contact 3,000 times a day. You know, the American Dream™
 * 2) Trump: "We're going to re-build America with American steel." *offer not valid in United States, check local listings for details

Things Named After Him
that he doesn't own

Actual Work
=Administration= This section will provide the names and eventual scandals/crimes/general instances of incompetence associated with these assholes for the month of  For the full mess, please visit the archive

General Institutional Fuckery

 * 1) For Trump to have any chance to accomplish any of his goals, he needs the "administrative state" that his puppet master Steve Bannon wants to destroy
 * 2) Trump's entire staff has no clue where he came up with the wiretapping allegations
 * 3) White House attorneys scramble to come up with evidence to back Trump's 'wiretap' claims
 * 4) Here is a summary of TappGate, for those of you struggling to keep up with all the tapps at home
 * 5) White House press release contains a paragraph copied verbatim from an Exxon press release. If everything in The Swamp™ is killed by an oil spill, maybe that still counts?
 * 6) Hey everyone, looks like everything is running smoothly. Trump's tweets speak for themselves
 * 7) We're only 46 days in a perpetual state of crisis and the Trump administration has yet to deal with a major foreign policy challenge
 * 8) 8 tricks for defending Trump on the left. More tricks on the right
 * 9) Apparently Republicans have become Russia's b*tches

Overzealous Staffer(s)

 * 1) White House press release contains a paragraph copied verbatim from an Exxon press release. If everything in The Swamp™ is killed by an oil spill, maybe that still counts?

Vladimir Putin
Russian President and videotape librarian
 * 1) Kremlin: All this talk about how we interfered in your election is really making it difficult for us to be friends again
 * 2) Trouble in paradise: Vlad the Putin orders Russian media to stop chumming it up with Trump

Putin's Posse

 * 1) Sergey Kislyak Russian ambassador to the 2016 U.S. Presidential election and Anything Else Putin Wants
 * 2) Meet Sergey Kislyak, the Russian ambassador at the center of Russiaghazi and Putin's top spy in the US
 * 3) Sergei Lavrov Russian Foreign Minister
 * 4) Russia's foreign minister decries the investigations into the Trump Administration's contacts with Russia using nearly identical language to that which Trump himself used. Dude, you're NOT helping
 * 5) Maria Zakharova Russian Foreign Ministry Spokeswoman
 * 6) It's not every day you get to see Russians run away in panic
 * 7) Dmitry Petrov Putin spokesman
 * 8) Russia to Americans: Calm down sweetheart, you're just being hysterical. Your craziness is hurting our relationship

Steve Bannon
White House chief strategist and Lumpy James May, Gentleman Fascist
 * 1) Which is more frightening, the possibility that Sessions used Bannon and Miller to become Attorney General, or the possibility that Bannon and Miller used Attorney General Sessions to become co-Presidents?
 * 2) Are you a legal immigrant? Do you already hold a green card? Well, according to The Chief White House Strategist, and member of the National Security Council, "Legal immigration is the 'real' problem"
 * 3) I'm a Jewish American who worked with Steve Bannon. He is not a racist or an anti-Semite
 * 4) For Trump to have any chance to accomplish any of his goals, he needs the "administrative state" that his puppet master Steve Bannon wants to destroy
 * 5) Donald Trump: "ZOMG all these people are doing McCarthyism at me, this is evil". President Bannon: "McCarthy was a genius whose only fault was not going far enough"
 * 6) Steve Bannon's favorite book is part "Turner Diaries", part "World War Z", and part "The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs"

Donald Trump, Jr.
America's Uday
 * 1) Donald Trump was paid $50K to speak at pro-Russia event
 * 2) Trump's sons are plotting to leverage their ties established during the campaign

Eric Trump
"I'm Eric!"
 * 1) Trump's sons are plotting to leverage their ties established during the campaign

Strategic Initiatives Group

 * White House think tank created by Bannon and Kushner
 * works on issues of foreign policy decisions and national strategy and security; possibly duplicating the work of the National Security Council
 * members include Sebastian Gorka

Ivanka Trump
"First" Lady

Mike Pence
"Vice" President
 * 1) Pence on healthcare: "No one is going to fall through the cracks." The chasms, yes. But cracks, no
 * 2) ʙᴜᴛ...ʜᴇʀ...ᴇᴍᴀɪʟs
 * 3) File this under "It's totes okay when we do it"
 * 4) Mike Pence says there's no comparison to Clinton on his private email use, as he's a Republican with a penis
 * 5) Vice President Mike Pence demands apology from media for publishing his wife's private email address... which became a matter of public record because Mike Pence used his private email account to conduct government business

Jared Kushner
Son-in-law
 * 1) NEW BOMBSHELL: Jared Kushner and Mike Flynn met with the Russians in December

Reince Priebus
Chief of Staff
 * 1) Looks like there's a big-ass bus barreling towards Chief of Staff Reince Priebus. The well-oiled machine is constantly crashing and everyone - including Trump - is starting to point the finger at him

Stephen Miller
Assistant to the President
 * 1) Which is more frightening, the possibility that Sessions used Bannon and Miller to become Attorney General, or the possibility that Bannon and Miller used Attorney General Sessions to become co-Presidents?
 * 2) Who is Stephen Miller, 31 year old senior white house advisor? You mean, besides the next guy to resign because he talked to Russia and lied about it?

Roger Stone
''Top. Advisor.''
 * 1) Roger Stone repeatedly opens mouth, inserts foot on Twitter
 * 2) Top advisor to Donald Trump, Roger Stone, throws his own twitter tantrum, calling JK Rowling a hypocrite, a feminist an ignorant stupid ugly b*tch, then goes on to admit working with Wikileaks and the Russians, then deletes all of the above posts

Peter Theil
Advisor to the President
 * 1) Oh, so THAT'S why Peter Thiel supports Donald Trump (Spoiler: it's money.)

Carter Page
American oil industry consultant, foreign policy advisor
 * 1) Former Trump advisor Carter Page also met with the Russian, forcing us to conclude that the entire Trump campaign was doing shots of vodka and planning to invade Finland

Jerry Falwell
higher education reform task force

Pat Robertson
Advisor to the President in hate-related matters

Pat Buchanan
Oval Office groupie
 * 1) "It doesn't get any better than this," says quivering mound of hate jello Pat Buchanan, who gleefully revels in Donald Trump's reshaping of the Republican party

Richard Spencer
Whiteness Advisor

Sean Spicer
White House Press Secretary
 * 1) That time Sean Spicer was the White House Easter Bunny
 * 2) Democrats want Sessions to recuse himself. Republicans want Sessions to recuse himself. Sessions is open to recusing himself. So naturally, Sean Spicer thinks you're all bunch of god damned idiot partisan liberals who just hate Trump and America
 * 3) Spicey is almost as good at Twitter as his boss
 * 4) Trump policy on recreational weed seen as major buzzkill, logistical nightmare
 * 5) Watch Spicer get his wires tapped by the press corps at 1:30 EST(audio only today)
 * 6) Spicer will be live on video for his press conference today, this is apparently news as it is not a gaggle nor is it audio only as yesterday's press thing was
 * 7) 8 tricks for defending Trump on the left. More tricks on the right

Mike Dubke
Communications Director

Kellyanne Conway
Counselor to the President
 * 1) Survivor of the Bowling Green Massacre who lost both her legs responds to powerful photo showing her perched on the Oval Office couch
 * 2) Kellyanne Conway to be suspended without pay for plugging Ivanka's clothing line and if you believed that for even a moment you really haven't been paying attention
 * 3) 8 tricks for defending Trump on the left. More tricks on the right

Sarah Huckabee Sanders
White House deputy press secretary

Fox
Propaganda Ministry
 * 1) Fox News was the most-watched cable network for Trump's State of The Confederacy speech
 * 2) Fox News CEO is a little concerned about all the fake news they are creating. How concerned? Fake fake concerned
 * 3) David Bossie former Trump Deputy Campaign Manager
 * 4) Everyone in the Trump campaign was rewarded with appointments they were unqualified for--except for Deputy Campaign Manager David Bossie, who was left in the cold. Probably because he never talked to Russia
 * 5) Fox News won't fact check The Big Cheeto's claim about Obama wiretapping him, but they will "fact check" Obama's denial of it. Bonus: There wasn't any fact checking, it was someone's opinion
 * 6) A minute-by-minute breakdown of two hours of this morning's "Fox & Friends" and President Trump's tweets that soon followed and referenced each story almost verbatim

Fox Jr.(s)

 * 1) Breitbart "News"
 * 2) Sessions was not technically asked if anyone in the Trump campaign talked with the Russians, only what he would do if they had. Therefore it was not perjury when he said no one had communicated with them
 * 3) Mark Levin knows what's up. It's not the possible collusion between Trump and the Russians we should we worried about, it's the fact that President Obama used his power in office to spy on Trump with a view to undermine his Presidency
 * 4) Breitbart mocks globalist WSJ for suggesting it could support Trump if only he got rid of Steve Bannon and Steve Miller
 * 5) Breitbart: Yo WaPo, while Trump's proposal to publish a list of immigrant crimes and their victims does have Nazi overtones, the big difference is that Hitler did it against loyal, legal, law abiding German Jews, not illegal criminals. So, checkmate
 * 6) Townhall
 * 7) Watch the liberals. Listen to what they say, because their lies and their slanders are a road map to their plans for the future
 * 8) Mark Levin, radio host
 * 9) Mark Levin: "There is overwhelming evidence the Obama administration wiretapped Trump before Trump was sworn in as president, and Democrats are trying to cover that up" Press: "What evidence?" Mark Levin: "OVERWHELMING evidence"
 * 10) WikiLeaks
 * 11) Wikileaks is publishing all of Donald's secrets. Wait, it's only 1000s of CIA documents? That's not the same thing? But he's the President. Damn you Obama
 * 12) InfoWars
 * 13) Gateway Pundit
 * 14) James O'Keefe
 * 15) Chris Ruddy, CEO of Newsmax

Michael Flynn (ret.)
former National Security Adviser
 * 1) NEW BOMBSHELL: Jared Kushner and Mike Flynn met with the Russians in December

H.R. McMaster
National Security Advisor
 * 1) McMaster to NSC: You know what, it'll be like that Flynn guy never happened

Robert Mercer
billionaire, donor
 * 1) News: Turns out Conservatives were right, there is a mysterious billionaire spending millions around the world to implement his nefarious agenda. Fark: He is also conservative and had a hand in Brexit and Trump's victory

Alex Jones
"journalist"
 * 1) The most Fark ready headline that has ever been Fark ready: "Goddamn it, Alex Jones has taken his shirt off again" (WARNING: Alex Jones is shirtless in TFA) (a lot)

Cabinet, Secretaries, Assorted Agencies and Department Heads
For the full mess, please visit the archive

General

 * 1) It's Monday, so you know what that means: Trump's own agencies have told him that he's wrong about his weekend conspiracy rant, but he doesn't care and still believes his own derp
 * 2) "Although the law provides a great deal of leeway for political speech, that protection is not all encompassing. And because of the way Trump has leveled unsubstantiated accusations at Obama, he may have libeled his predecessor"

Nominees

 * 1) New Guy, Labor Nominee
 * 2) Palin, Ambassador to Canada Nominee Threat
 * 3) Verma, Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) administrator Nominee
 * 4) Carson for HUD
 * 5) Senate confirms Ben Carson as secretary of HUD. Current plans are to inform him when he wakes up
 * 6) Perry for Energy
 * 7) Rick Perry officially confirmed as Secretary of... uh... Secretary of... wait I had something for this
 * 8) Ross for Commerce
 * 9) Trump's choice for Commerce Secretary holds a top post with a mysterious, Russian-controlled Cyprus bank

Department of Homeland Security

 * 1) Remember the memo from Homeland Security that said country of origin is an unreliable indicator of terrorist threat to US so Muslim ban unlikely to work? Well, they still think it's crap, and said most US based terrorists are radicalized while in US

Director of the Department of Homeland Security

 * 1) Headline: "DHS head: Trump has 'convincing' wiretap proof". Story: DHS head, who apparently was in a coma for the last year, says that since Trump made that claim, he MUST have some pretty good evidence; he wouldn't just make something like that up

State Department

 * 1) State Department now in hospice care
 * 2) State Department cancels first scheduled press briefing of the month. Oh, I'm sorry, did I say month? I meant "of the Trump administration", because there hasn't been one since Obama's last day in office

Secretary of State

 * 1) So what happened to all this worry that Tillerson was going to sell off chunks of Ukraine to Russia for some of that sweet sweet oil money? Probably would help if he showed up to work once in awhile

Secretary of Defense

 * 1) Defense Secretary Mad Dog is willing to punch Bannon, Priebus and Kushner in the face to get the staff he wants at DoD

EPA
Environmental Protection Agency
 * 1) Trumps plans on slashing the EPA budget for Great Lakes pollution cleanup by 97% because who needs to keep largest supply of liquid fresh water on the planet clean
 * 2) EPA Office of Science and Technology Policy deletes "science" from its science mission statement, replaces it with "technologically achievable"

Director of the EPA

 * 1) If there are any Trump cabinet members who DIDN'T lie under oath during their confirmation hearings, please stand up. Not so fast there, Scott Pruitt

Department of Justice

 * 1) Jefferson Beauregard Sessions dismisses Justice Dept reports on Chicago and Ferguson police as "anecdotal". Or so he heard; he admits he didn't actually read them
 * 2) FBI Director Comey asks Justice Department to publicly call BS on Trump's wiretapping claim

Attorney General

 * 1) Jefferson Beauregard Sessions dismisses Justice Dept reports on Chicago and Ferguson police as "anecdotal". Or so he heard; he admits he didn't actually read them
 * 2) Which is more frightening, the possibility that Sessions used Bannon and Miller to become Attorney General, or the possibility that Bannon and Miller used Attorney General Sessions to become co-Presidents?
 * 3) Jeff Sessions plans on pooping on everyone's party
 * 4) Confederate States of America signs non-aggression pact with Russia
 * 5) Dems to Sessions: GTFO
 * 6) And.... Here.... We... Go
 * 7) Jeff Sessions calls for own removal from office
 * 8) What exactly did Jeff Sessions say to the Russian ambassador and when did he know it?
 * 9) And now we have a running list of people demanding Jefferson Beauregard Sessions resign and leave the Confederacy in disgrace after it was revealed he spoke with Russia illegally
 * 10) Foxnews: Full Power to Deflector Shields
 * 11) Sessions was not technically asked if anyone in the Trump campaign talked with the Russians, only what he would do if they had. Therefore it was not perjury when he said no one had communicated with them
 * 12) Well that didn't take long, Trump administration goes from defending Sessions as a victim of a partisan witch hunt to "hey, we didn't know he met with Russians until we turned on the TV this morning". Oh, Beauregard, we hardly knew ye
 * 13) AG Sessions to hold press conference at 4pm Eastern, presumably to tell us that he did not have relations with that country. Or that he did. Either way, grab the popcorn, and here we go, again
 * 14) And Jeff recuses
 * 15) Trump has "total confidence" in Jeff Sessions. Sorry, Jeff
 * 16) A timeline of Jeff Sessions' relationship with the Trump campaign and his own conversations with Russian officials
 * 17) Hey, guess who was all hawkish about the Russian threat until he got himself stitched into the Trump human centipede and started perjuring up a storm?
 * 18) Good thing Trump's campaign funds didn't pay for Sessions's visit with Rus--oh
 * 19) Sorry Dems, the whole Jeff Sessions gig you've got going is nothing but fake news
 * 20) And here it is. The stupidest thing you will read all day
 * 21) Adam Schiff says that Session' explanations for his meetings with the Russian ambassador "make no sense"; tells Jack McCoy to have detectives Briscoe and Green bring him in and go over his statements again

FBI
Federal Bureau of Investigation

Director of the FBI

 * 1) Democrats are finally realizing that Comey knows quite a bit more about Russia and Trump than he's letting on
 * 2) FBI Director Comey asks Justice Department to publicly call BS on Trump's wiretapping claim
 * 3) FBI Director Comey doesn't want to stay under the bus OR fall on his sword for Trump

Secretary of Education

 * 1) Trump, Devos, Rick Scott visiting Orlando Catholic school to: A) push school choice; B) start drive to end free public schools; or C) perform Three Stooges short

ICE
Immigration and Customs Enforcement
 * 1) ICE is now arresting any illegal immigrant who speaks in public as part of a "targeted immigration enforcement action"
 * 2) Today ICE's crack goon squad made America safer by arresting a man who has lived in this country for more than 20 years, while he was taking his daughter to school, because he had a ten-year old DUI and a busted registration sticker 20 years ago

CIA

 * 1) Newly declassified documents show that it's not just fake news, it's the CIA's news
 * 2) Wikileaks is publishing all of Donald's secrets. Wait, it's only 1000s of CIA documents? That's not the same thing? But he's the President. Damn you Obama
 * 3) So the CIA stole Russian hacking software to make it look like the Russians were hacking people when it was really the CIA. So was the CIA the real DNC email hacker?

Secretary of HUD

 * 1) Ben Carson: Slaves were immigrants who dreamed of a better life
 * 2) There weren't any MFing immigrants on the MFing slave ships
 * 3) For a renowned surgeon, Ben Carson sure can't surgically remove that foot from his mouth
 * 4) Guess who else called slaves immigrants... Oh how the outrage was

No Such Agency

 * 1) Mathematicians are fleeing the NSA because Trump

Secretary of the Interior

 * 1) When the nation's new Secretary of the Interior hails from Montana, you know he's going to arrive for his first day of work on a horse
 * 2) Last minute Obama lead ammo ban lasts roughly one minute

IRS
Internal Revenue Service
 * 1) IRS budget cuts mean there are not enough agents for tax audits. America is great again

Commerce Department

 * 1) NOAA to be gutted under Trump. Because who needs accurate weather forecasts, hurricane warnings, and current information on lightning strikes

National Parks Service

 * 1) National Park Service releases hundreds of ground and arial photographs of President Trump's inauguration and yup, looks like we can expect an incoming tweet storm

=Links=