Drumpfster Fire Misinformation

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The Beauty Of Me Is That I’m Very Rich

 * 1) Handed out with a photo of him signing it, Trump doubles down on Muslim ban
 * 2) Trump has 26 million Twitter followers but is only following 43 people and businesses. And most of those businesses are his own
 * 3) Welcome to the post-truth presidency
 * 4) Trump's new strategy is to make up a conspiracy to deflect from the seriousness of the Russia ties. Yeah, we've been over this, CNN; you're late to the party
 * 5) Trump: "We're going to re-build America with American steel." *offer not valid in United States, check local listings for details
 * 6) Trump attempts to deflect the latest revelation involving one of his staffers coordinating with Russia by going on Twitter and making fake claims about the economy
 * 7) Of the three bills and two executive orders President Trumpler signed yesterday, guess which one wasn't given a signing ceremony or photoshoot
 * 8) First rule of free speech: other people don't get any
 * 9) Is Trumpism the new Punk Rock? Short answer: No. Long answer: Faaaaaaaaaaark NO
 * 10) New poll suggests the Democratic Party is less popular than Trump and Pence. Dealer showing 10, DNC seen doubling down

The Show Is ‘Trump’
And it is sold-out performances everywhere
 * 1) Colbert completed Trump's 'say it to my face' challenge
 * 2) Joe Scarborough says he graded Trump on a curve due to his rhetoric, but he gets credit for "not threatening to crush democracy" and seemed "almost normal"
 * 3) With a coherent speech for once, Donald Trump may have just had his Bar Mitzvah moment
 * 4) Apparently not having learned their lesson from the past election, Democrats pick the most underwhelming candidate they could find to deliver the Democratic response to Trump. How underwhelming? Even Rachel Maddow panned him as small and stunty
 * 5) President ME has left the building: Trump references self 60 percent less than Obama in first SOTU address. And remember, this is Donald Trump we are talking about
 * 6) Factchecking of Trump's speech exceeds expectations by 17%
 * 7) Of the three bills and two executive orders President Trumpler signed yesterday, guess which one wasn't given a signing ceremony or photoshoot
 * 8) Trump's first address to congress was watched by three billion people, more than any other American President before him
 * 9) We now know Trump is no ballerina, he didn't have a one-night "pivot" concerning his State of the Union speech, so just stop picturing him in a tutu
 * 10) Fox News was the most-watched cable network for Trump's State of The Confederacy speech
 * 11) "The media's reaction to his speech to Congress was shameful"
 * 12) Hey everyone, looks like everything is running smoothly. Trump's tweets speak for themselves
 * 13) By acting like a paranoid crybaby, Donald Trump has inadvertently destroyed the narrative that Russia hacked our presidential election
 * 14) Trump surprises kids on White House tour because everyone thought he was at Mar-a-Lago again
 * 15) Now that President Trump has figured out this White House gig his approval ratings have started to climb
 * 16) Trump has smashed, destroyed, and otherwise perverted the Presidential Code
 * 17) President Trump nominated for Nobel Peace Prize. He's only been in office a month so the odds are against him, like our president has ever been daunted by the odds
 * 18) Goofy haircut? ✔ Boxy, ill-fitting suits? ✔ Erratic and unstable personality? ✔ Primitive vocabulary? ✔ Hates the country to the south? ✔ Brooks no opposition from underlings? ✔ Thin skin? ✔ Father gave him his career? ✔ Is it Trump or Kim Jong Un?
 * 19) So, has anyone else noticed that the handicapping of the State Department that President Trump has engaged in, benefits Russia and Putin tremendously?
 * 20) White House finally responds to growing questions about Wikileaks CIA dump, Trump's wiretap accusation and connections to Russia...by canceling all press events
 * 21) Keith Olbermann on why Trump is a horrible president: just compare what he said in the joint address to Congress to what he said afterwards
 * 22) Day 50: Trump keeps signing whatever the fark you put in front of him and only using executive power
 * 23) So what is up with Donald Trump and a cemetery or cemeteries in New Jersey?

I Know Words, I Have The Best Words

 * 1) Looks like Trump is right, News coverage of him is really, really negative. Even on Fox News. To be fair, there are only so many positive ways one can cover a turd

There's Nobody's Bigger Or Better At The Military Than I Am

 * 1) The buck stops at General Votel

I Like The Fact That You All Voted For Me

 * 1) Military unit that flew a Trump flag during a convoy did so because their commander thought it would be okay because he won the election

We Had A Massive Landslide Victory

 * 1) Lots of people showed up for "March 4 Trump" rallies across the country, if you count maybe 150 people total as a lot of people

I Won The Popular Vote
if you deduct the millions of people who voted illegally
 * 1) New poll suggests the Democratic Party is less popular than Trump and Pence. Dealer showing 10, DNC seen doubling down

I Think [Putin Has] Done Really A Great Job Of Outsmarting Our Country

 * 1) It's not every day you get to see Russians run away in panic
 * 2) Trump hotel in Azerbaijan was a front for the Iranian Revolutionary Guard
 * 3) Why did Trump reverse his mandate to use U.S. steel in the Keystone XL pipeline? Nobody knows, but a Russian oligarch with close ties to Putin stands to make a bunch of money from it. Fancy that
 * 4) By acting like a paranoid crybaby, Donald Trump has inadvertently destroyed the narrative that Russia hacked our presidential election
 * 5) Russia to Americans: Calm down sweetheart, you're just being hysterical. Your craziness is hurting our relationship
 * 6) That time when candidate Trump met with the Russian Ambassador and then lied about it
 * 7) Fmr. NSA analyst: Intel sources say White House 'targeting journalists' with 'help from Russian intel' - Nothing to see here, move along comrade
 * 8) RT formerly Russia Today, Russian international television network funded by the Russian government
 * 9) How Russia weaponizes fake news. And no, it doesn't involve dropping Steve Bannon on you from a MiG-29
 * 10) Sputnik a news agency, consisting of websites, radio broadcast service (among others) established by the Russian government-controlled news agency Rossiya Segodnya
 * 11) How Russia weaponizes fake news. And no, it doesn't involve dropping Steve Bannon on you from a MiG-29
 * 12) Dmitry Rybolovlev
 * 13) Hey, here's a question: Why has a Russian oligarch known as "The Fertilizer King" been following Trump around the country? Is it for the steady supply of cheap and plentiful bullshiat? Or is it something more sinister...?
 * 14) Trump claims that he has never met a man who paid him $95 million. Which I totally understand, I've never met a man who'd pay me $95 million either
 * 15) Russian Spies
 * 16) Russian spies offer to help tech companies overcome American spies
 * 17) Konstantin Kilimnik
 * 18) Paul Manafort's protégé? Russian collaborator
 * 19) White House spokesperson: Trump doesn't know a damn thing
 * 20) All of Trump's ties to Russia laid out in one easy char- Really? Seven? We need THAT Many? OK, fine: All of Trump's ties to Russia laid out in SEVEN, actually fairly complicated charts

I Will Tell You This, Russia: If You’re Listening ...

 * 1) For no reason whatsoever, Russian hackers are now targeting liberal groups, with the aim of extorting money from them to withhold damaging or embarrassing info they may find by hacking their e-mails
 * 2) How the Russian hacks of the DNC were found
 * 3) Headline: "DHS head: Trump has 'convincing' wiretap proof". Story: DHS head, who apparently was in a coma for the last year, says that since Trump made that claim, he MUST have some pretty good evidence; he wouldn't just make something like that up
 * 4) Not only is the source of Trump being tapped being hacked, but now maybe she's being tapped or attacked for revealing that Russians hackers planted false Hillary mail on Weiner's laptop.Or something. It's not all that clear what's going on. Go figure
 * 5) Wikileaks is publishing all of Donald's secrets. Wait, it's only 1000s of CIA documents? That's not the same thing? But he's the President. Damn you Obama
 * 6) So the CIA stole Russian hacking software to make it look like the Russians were hacking people when it was really the CIA. So was the CIA the real DNC email hacker?
 * 7) There's only one common theme in the WikiLeaks and Snowden scandal: Russia always stands to gain
 * 8) Paul Manafort's protégé? Russian collaborator
 * 9) White House finally responds to growing questions about Wikileaks CIA dump, Trump's wiretap accusation and connections to Russia...by canceling all press events
 * 10) Apparently Republicans have become Russia's b*tches
 * 11) But all of that aside, 'satanic child murdering cabal' sounds like an awesome name for a punk rock band

Trust Me. I’m Like A Smart Person

 * 1) Evil liberal leftist enemy of democracy CNN continues to destroy America by praising Donald Trump for using the power of his spoken words to single-handedly send the DJIA soaring 200 points to over 21,000
 * 2) You may be wondering why Elon Musk has been cozying up to the Trump administration. And the new Tesla facilities in Russia is just a coincidence
 * 3) We're paying for this new travel ban by cutting coastal and air security. I'm sure this makes sense to someone, but that someone shouldn't be anywhere near the reins of power
 * 4) Media reports that Trump is meeting with former rivals in a "charm offensive." Minus the charm

I Am Fortunate To Have Been Blessed With Great Genes

 * 1) Are you ready to hear the V.O.I.C.E. of America?
 * 2) Why Trump's VOICE program is drawing comparisons to Nazis. TL;DR: It's literally a Nazi policy
 * 3) I'm a Jewish American who worked with Steve Bannon. He is not a racist or an anti-Semite
 * 4) GOP congressman says holding town halls is like being yelled at in a ritual "that the Orientals used to do"
 * 5) Guys, it's not a Muslim ban. We know this because Trump told us. Please don't look at his own website telling us how he wants "a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States"
 * 6) Ben Carson: Slaves were immigrants who dreamed of a better life
 * 7) Something is straining the relationship between President Trump and President Obama. They used to be BFFs; I'm not sure what happened
 * 8) Cancer patient calls bullshiat on Samantha Bee's 'half-apology'
 * 9) House okays using taxpayer money for Islamic schools

Obama Had My "Wires Tapped"

 * 1) "You know, Mr. President, the Russia stuff is heating up pretty badly. We need something to distract the media. How about...um...I dunno...maybe Obama tapped your phones? Think anyone would believe that?"
 * 2) President Trump has decided to use the power of his office to expose the potential duplicity and unscrupulous behavior of the Obama Administration in the wiretapping of his campaign
 * 3) Mark Levin: "There is overwhelming evidence the Obama administration wiretapped Trump before Trump was sworn in as president, and Democrats are trying to cover that up" Press: "What evidence?" Mark Levin: "OVERWHELMING evidence"
 * 4) Donald Trump: "ZOMG all these people are doing McCarthyism at me, this is evil". President Bannon: "McCarthy was a genius whose only fault was not going far enough"
 * 5) May we present: Trump's proof of the wire tapp. And you know he'd tapp that

I Want To Use Hairspray

 * 1) Flint residents must start paying for water they still can't drink without a filter, because fark you, that's why
 * 2) NOAA to be gutted under Trump. Because who needs accurate weather forecasts, hurricane warnings, and current information on lightning strikes
 * 3) EPA Office of Science and Technology Policy deletes "science" from its science mission statement, replaces it with "technologically achievable"
 * 4) EPA chief Scott Pruitt says carbon dioxide is not a primary contributor to global warming. That is all

We Love ‘The Art Of The Deal’
but the Bible is far, far superior
 * 1) God is shielding Trump from witchcraft and sorcery. basically Jeff Sessions is now reactor shielding. so he's got that going for him. which is nice

People Who Are Following Me Are Very Passionate

 * 1) Nothing like a sitting president threatening a bloodbath if his health care bill doesn't pass
 * 2) While you libs are getting your panties in a wad, real Americans like xenophobes, Pizza-gaters, and middle-school Aryans are rallying for our president and calling for liberal genocide
 * 3) Paul Manafort's daughter sends out text message bragging about the people her father had killed

There Was Blood Coming Out Of Her Eyes. Blood Coming Out Of Her—Wherever

 * 1) President Trump misses fantastic opportunity to stay logged out of his Twitter account and keep his mouth shut on International Women's Day

I Will Be The Greatest Jobs President
that God ever created
 * 1) Trump recession begins as jobless claims surge by 20,000
 * 2) Candidate Trump: Jobs report is a lie, fails to account for huge number of unemployed. Sad. President Trump: Would you look at that Jobs report? Shows America is once again Great Again
 * 3) Trump on job reports before election: They're totally phony. Trump on job report today: "[it may have been phony in the past, but it's very real now." And yes, that's a real quote]

[Drumpf] Unequivocally, Will Be The Healthiest Individual Ever Elected To The Presidency

 * 1) Remember back when Republicans were concerned about the president taking too many vacations? Good times, those were....GOOOOD times
 * 2) Johnny Smith apprehended; President Stillson safe

We See A Lot Of Money Pouring In From Russia

 * 1) The liberal boycott of Ivanka's clothing line was an outstanding success; best performing weeks in the history of the brand

I Love The Poorly Educated

 * 1) With a coherent speech for once, Donald Trump may have just had his Bar Mitzvah moment
 * 2) The advantage to finally acting sane is that people give you props for that
 * 3) Blaming the Klan on modern Democrats is like blaming the Unabomber on the Montana Territory, which I do so nyeh
 * 4) "I am a passionate believer in integrating and interpreting nature's elements into our daily lives" Did Melania just come out as a Wiccan?
 * 5) The most Fark ready headline that has ever been Fark ready: "Goddamn it, Alex Jones has taken his shirt off again" (WARNING: Alex Jones is shirtless in TFA) (a lot)
 * 6) Legal analysts agree that the likely reason SEC-filed charges were dismissed vs. Texas AG Paxton is because he's a Republican
 * 7) ObamaCare's sudden popularity is a myth - Just 22% of actual enrollees like their ObamaCare plans
 * 8) Democrats: It's bad for Trump's people to meet Russians. Also Democrats: Sure, the Russian Ambassador can visit the Obama White House 22 times
 * 9) Liberal Muslim Female Reporter goes to a college to explain to students why she voted for Trump and supports him
 * 10) In a great confluence of political cross currents of nothingberger, the story that DWS failed to recognize SEAL's widow turns out to be fake, or was it?
 * 11) After every Trump revelation, the following 13 step formula is followed, rinsed and repeated
 * 12) You know you're a lonely person when you find yourself taking a life-sized cardboard cutout of President Trump on camping trips, boat rides, and a country music festival
 * 13) Fox News won't fact check The Big Cheeto's claim about Obama wiretapping him, but they will "fact check" Obama's denial of it. Bonus: There wasn't any fact checking, it was someone's opinion
 * 14) Today is the day that Trump supporters will show their strength in March 4 Trump rallies all across the country. Already tens of Trump supporters have shown up at the National Mall
 * 15) Lots of people showed up for "March 4 Trump" rallies across the country, if you count maybe 150 people total as a lot of people
 * 16) White House press release contains a paragraph copied verbatim from an Exxon press release. If everything in The Swamp™ is killed by an oil spill, maybe that still counts?
 * 17) The serious case for Oprah 2020
 * 18) Mark Levin: "There is overwhelming evidence the Obama administration wiretapped Trump before Trump was sworn in as president, and Democrats are trying to cover that up" Press: "What evidence?" Mark Levin: "OVERWHELMING evidence"
 * 19) Among a group of die-hard Trump supporters who were key to getting him elected "The ..delight... that greeted Donald Trump's victory on November 8 has gradually melted into a mixture of confusion and frustration"
 * 20) Lots of people showed up for "March 4 Trump" rallies across the country, if you count maybe 150 people total as a lot of people
 * 21) Trump's new strategy is to make up a conspiracy to deflect from the seriousness of the Russia ties. Yeah, we've been over this, CNN; you're late to the party
 * 22) Old people back racist party. This is not a repeat of the last 203,324 this has happened
 * 23) Thanks to Trump's war against immigrants and Obamacare, a lot of poor white trash in red states are going to die horrible, painful deaths from preventable illnesses
 * 24) Trump has 26 million Twitter followers but is only following 43 people and businesses. And most of those businesses are his own
 * 25) Midwesterners made Trump the President, now they want him to invent a new reality where automation never happened so they can have a $14/hr job soldering the same wire onto the same contact 3,000 times a day. You know, the American Dream™
 * 26) May we present: Trump's proof of the wire tapp. And you know he'd tapp that
 * 27) Ben Carson: Slaves were immigrants who dreamed of a better life
 * 28) There weren't any MFing immigrants on the MFing slave ships
 * 29) For a renowned surgeon, Ben Carson sure can't surgically remove that foot from his mouth
 * 30) Russian hacking of the DNC is a problem, not a scandal. The scandal is this: Who inside the government of the United States is trying to discredit, damage or destroy the President of the United States?
 * 31) Thanks to Trump's war against immigrants and Obamacare, a lot of poor white trash in red states are going to die horrible, painful deaths from preventable illnesses
 * 32) We're paying for this new travel ban by cutting coastal and air security. I'm sure this makes sense to someone, but that someone shouldn't be anywhere near the reins of power
 * 33) By acting like a paranoid crybaby, Donald Trump has inadvertently destroyed the narrative that Russia hacked our presidential election
 * 34) "It doesn't get any better than this," says quivering mound of hate jello Pat Buchanan, who gleefully revels in Donald Trump's reshaping of the Republican party
 * 35) Why Democrats will eventually come to love Obamacare Lite
 * 36) The latest conspiracy theory from fringe alt-right radio shock jocks? Obama holdovers in government are "committing treason" against Trump to cover up their crimes
 * 37) That time when candidate Trump met with the Russian Ambassador and then lied about it
 * 38) 8 tricks for defending Trump on the left. More tricks on the right
 * 39) Apparently Republicans have become Russia's b*tches
 * 40) Trump surprises kids on White House tour because everyone thought he was at Mar-a-Lago again
 * 41) Now that President Trump has figured out this White House gig his approval ratings have started to climb
 * 42) Animated graph shows how politically polarized the US has become over the last 20 years
 * 43) Fast For Trump
 * 44) Witchcraft, which isn't a real religion and isn't working, is apparently working and the cause of all trump's problems. No this is not a repeat from 1693
 * 45) But all of that aside, 'satanic child murdering cabal' sounds like an awesome name for a punk rock band
 * 46) "She and her husband voted for Mr. Trump...because 'I thought he would make it better'"
 * 47) Obama is "engaging with domestic terrorists" to take down Trump. Wait, domestic terrorists typically support Trump
 * 48) Privacy, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing. GOP wants to do away with FCC's entire privacy rulemaking to allow ISPs to sell your entire browsing history to advertisers or other third parties without your consent
 * 49) Trump tries, fails to be Presidential. This is not a repeat from every hour of every day for the past 47 days
 * 50) GOP lawmakers are about to pass two laws that would make it nearly impossible to sue corporations
 * 51) White House claims that Trump's allegations that Obama tapped his phones is evidence of wrongdoing even if it turns out to be false
 * 52) World's Greatest Healthcare Plan of 2017. No, really, that`s what it's actually called
 * 53) How Russia weaponizes fake news. And no, it doesn't involve dropping Steve Bannon on you from a MiG-29
 * 54) House judiciary Republicans ask for FBI briefing on Trump's wiretapping claims, moon landing from 1969, and whereabouts of the Tooth Fairy
 * 55) Something is straining the relationship between President Trump and President Obama. They used to be BFFs; I'm not sure what happened
 * 56) Gothamist is bought by a right-wing billionaire and by some weird coincidence, Gothamist's negative coverage of the aforementioned right-wing billionaire disappears from the site
 * 57) Coal Rollers: Boys will be boys or boy what a bunch of dirt bags?
 * 58) What has gotten into the Democrats? Why are they so bellicose toward Moscow?
 * 59) Fox News: Very concerned for your privacy. Well not necessarily yours, but someone's
 * 60) So, has anyone else noticed that the handicapping of the State Department that President Trump has engaged in, benefits Russia and Putin tremendously?
 * 61) EPA chief Scott Pruitt says carbon dioxide is not a primary contributor to global warming. That is all
 * 62) Media reports that Trump is meeting with former rivals in a "charm offensive." Minus the charm
 * 63) AG Sessions: "Khorosho, ya sdelayu vse, chto vozmozhno, chtoby vosstanovit' nezavisimost' i professionalizm Ministerstva yustitsii"
 * 64) President Trump nominated for Nobel Peace Prize. He's only been in office a month so the odds are against him, like our president has ever been daunted by the odds
 * 65) The bar has now been set for "stupidest thing said during the Obamacare repeal debate". " Rep Jason Smith (Slow-MO) decrying Obamacare's tax on tanning beds, If Democrats are concerned about dskin cancer "Why haven't they put a tax on the sun instead?"
 * 66) Grandpa Munster says the Trumps were "gracious and warm" during dinner at the White House and everything was fine, just fine, and there is no reason to suspect otherwise
 * 67) New York Times wants you to forget one of their narratives. Forget, forget, deep breath now, forget. Please standby to naively accept the next installment
 * 68) Trump claims that he has never met a man who paid him $95 million. Which I totally understand, I've never met a man who'd pay me $95 million either
 * 69) Mosque muting bill in Israel gets-- ترتفع للصلاة. I said, Mosque muting bill in Israel gets--ترتفع للصلاة Oh, never mind
 * 70) Rand Paul introduces simple bill to full repeal Obamacare titled "Popcorn Dot Gif Act of 2017"
 * 71) Rand Paul introduces simple bill to full repeal Obamacare titled "Popcorn Dot Gif Act of 2017"
 * 72) Study shows that conservatives are less likely to be Canadian than liberals
 * 73) Paul Ryan: The "fatal conceit" of Obamacare is that HEALTHY people with insurance subsidize SICK people's health costs
 * 74) Man: "I've yet to read anything positive about this healthcare bill". Woman: "Try going 2 a conservative source and open up your reading habits". Man: "I'm the editor of National Review Online"
 * 75) "Is Trump throwing Ukraine to the Kremlin sharks?" asks man who just woke up from a coma that began in 2015
 * 76) Russian spies offer to help tech companies overcome American spies
 * 77) Congress votes to repeal rules that would hold school systems accountable for student performance, because that would REALLY fark up Betsy Devos' plan to outsource the public school system to Bob's Bait Shop and Institute of Jesusological studies
 * 78) White House finally responds to growing questions about Wikileaks CIA dump, Trump's wiretap accusation and connections to Russia...by canceling all press events
 * 79) "Since the invention of the mythic welfare queen in the 1960s, this has been the story we most reliably tell about why people are poor. Never mind that research from across the social sciences shows us, over and again, that it's a lie"
 * 80) All Things Considered tracked down a fake news site who wrote such headlines as "Chris Christie nominated to Supreme Food Court." and "Sarah Palin Banning Muslims from Entering Bristol Palin." Yes, he's a liberal
 * 81) Cancer patient calls bullshiat on Samantha Bee's 'half-apology'
 * 82) New poll suggests the Democratic Party is less popular than Trump and Pence. Dealer showing 10, DNC seen doubling down
 * 83) Since Donald Trump is having such a hard time with his Russian ties, Russia Today figured it was the perfect time to revisit President Obama's birth certificate
 * 84) Where has the color purple gone in American politics? That's right, in the color dumpster of opposition
 * 85) The purge continues: On a Friday afternoon, Sessions asks for resignation of 46 U.S. attorneys
 * 86) Friday massacre, as Trump abruptly orders 46 Obama era prosecutors to resign, including the US Attorney in Manhattan who handles public corruption cases
 * 87) While you libs are getting your panties in a wad, real Americans like xenophobes, Pizza-gaters, and middle-school Aryans are rallying for our president and calling for liberal genocide
 * 88) The buck stops at General Votel
 * 89) House okays using taxpayer money for Islamic schools
 * 90) Johnny Smith apprehended; President Stillson safe
 * 91) Do you even left, bro?
 * 92) Comey: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Privacy? What the hell is that?
 * 93) WH: It's fine, just fine, nothing to see here. There are no investigations targeting the President, and if there were, we cannot comment on on-going investigations anyway. So there. Nailed it

TrumpCare
World's Greatest Healthcare Plan of 2017
 * 1) World's Greatest Healthcare Plan of 2017. No, really, that`s what it's actually called
 * 2) President Trump: Our wonderful new Healthcare Bill is now out for review and negotiation. Kellyanne Conway: TrumpCare? Oh, hell to the no
 * 3) The big Trumpcare question: "Can I keep my doctor?" HA HA HA HA HA. NO
 * 4) The Uber-conservative National Review "If you want to see political malpractice in action, you don't have to read Donald Trump's latest tweet - just look at the mess Republicans have made of replacing Obamacare"
 * 5) Trump tries, fails to be Presidential. This is not a repeat from every hour of every day for the past 47 days
 * 6) President Trump (R) in January:"There will be health insurance for everybody. Much less expensive than Obamacare and much better." White House Budget Director Mulvaney (R) in March:"Insurance for ordinary people is not really the end goal"
 * 7) Breitbart, Steve Bannon's own personal public relations arm, thinks the GOP's ACA replacement is terrible
 * 8) Everyone can relax now, the GOP is not replacing Obamacare completely, just the parts that actually work
 * 9) GOP ObamaCare replacement at least has a critical tax break for corporate executives struggling to pay their bribes to lobbyists
 * 10) When Republicans are unable to come together and get their own healthcare reform passed, Trump has a simple solution lined up: Blame the Democrats
 * 11) For some reason Paul Ryan is acting like your boring poli sci teacher explaining obamacare repeal
 * 12) "Tehran Tom" Cotton wants a do-over on Trumpcare
 * 13) Man: "I've yet to read anything positive about this healthcare bill". Woman: "Try going 2 a conservative source and open up your reading habits". Man: "I'm the editor of National Review Online"
 * 14) Much like the average Farker trying to give up drinking, Republicans are finding it hard to give up obstructionism after their 8 year long addiction

It's Totes Okay When We Do It

 * 1) File this under "It's totes okay when we do it"

If You Don’t Tell People About Your Success
they probably won’t know about it
 * 1) A closer look at the disgraceful media response to Trump's "Presidential" racism
 * 2) Foxnews: Full Power to Deflector Shields
 * 3) Sessions was not technically asked if anyone in the Trump campaign talked with the Russians, only what he would do if they had. Therefore it was not perjury when he said no one had communicated with them
 * 4) Claire McCaskill: Jeff Sessions should resign because as a senator he once talked to the Russian Ambassador...you know just like me and every one of my hypocrite DNC colleagues on the Senate Armed Services Committee
 * 5) Fox News CEO is a little concerned about all the fake news they are creating. How concerned? Fake fake concerned
 * 6) Pretty much "Alt" anything is a problem. Don't even get me started on the alt-center
 * 7) Mark Levin knows what's up. It's not the possible collusion between Trump and the Russians we should we worried about, it's the fact that President Obama used his power in office to spy on Trump with a view to undermine his Presidency
 * 8) Breitbart mocks globalist WSJ for suggesting it could support Trump if only he got rid of Steve Bannon and Steve Miller
 * 9) Breitbart: Yo WaPo, while Trump's proposal to publish a list of immigrant crimes and their victims does have Nazi overtones, the big difference is that Hitler did it against loyal, legal, law abiding German Jews, not illegal criminals. So, checkmate

I'll Choose The Best People For My Administration

 * 1) White House press release contains a paragraph copied verbatim from an Exxon press release. If everything in The Swamp™ is killed by an oil spill, maybe that still counts?
 * 2) Are you a legal immigrant? Do you already hold a green card? Well, according to The Chief White House Strategist, and member of the National Security Council, "Legal immigration is the 'real' problem"

Overzealous Staffer(s)

 * 1) White House claims that Trump's allegations that Obama tapped his phones is evidence of wrongdoing even if it turns out to be false

Commissars

 * 1) While Trump had you chasing Russia stories, he quietly hired 400 lobbyists and members of the far-right media as "beachhead teams" to be his eyes and ears at every level of government

Sean Spicer
White House Press Secretary
 * 1) Spicer will be live on video for his press conference today, this is apparently news as it is not a gaggle nor is it audio only as yesterday's press thing was
 * 2) Spicer: "Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone." Fox reporter: "No, he didn't" Spicer lackey: "There are multiple reports that Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone"
 * 3) Spicy talks about how the giant tax breaks for rich people and higher insurance premiums are good, OK? But you people keep writing your stories to make us look bad
 * 4) White House spokesperson: Trump doesn't know a damn thing
 * 5) Virtually the entire White House tweets about February's job stats, minutes after the official numbers are released. This is in direct violation of Statistical Policy Directive Number 3, which prohibits Federal employees from doing so
 * 6) WH: It's fine, just fine, nothing to see here. There are no investigations targeting the President, and if there were, we cannot comment on on-going investigations anyway. So there. Nailed it

Kellyanne Conway
Counselor to the President
 * 1) Kellyanne Conway to be suspended without pay for plugging Ivanka's clothing line and if you believed that for even a moment you really haven't been paying attention
 * 2) President Trump: Our wonderful new Healthcare Bill is now out for review and negotiation. Kellyanne Conway: TrumpCare? Oh, hell to the no
 * 3) The big Trumpcare question: "Can I keep my doctor?" HA HA HA HA HA. NO
 * 4) The Uber-conservative National Review "If you want to see political malpractice in action, you don't have to read Donald Trump's latest tweet - just look at the mess Republicans have made of replacing Obamacare"
 * 5) Trump tries, fails to be Presidential. This is not a repeat from every hour of every day for the past 47 days

Sarah Huckabee Sanders
Deputy White House spokesmodel
 * 1) Spicer: "Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone." Fox reporter: "No, he didn't" Spicer lackey: "There are multiple reports that Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone"

Mike Pence
"Vice" President
 * 1) File this under "It's totes okay when we do it" (See also: It's Totes Okay When We Do It)
 * 2) Mike Pence says there's no comparison to Clinton on his private email use, as he's a Republican with a penis
 * 3) Vice President Mike Pence demands apology from media for publishing his wife's private email address... which became a matter of public record because Mike Pence used his private email account to conduct government business
 * 4) Reporter: "Mr. Pence, do you believe Trump's claim about Obama wiretapping him, yes or no?" VP Pence: "EVASIVE MANEUVERS, EVASIVE MANEUVERS. ALL POWER TO PORT THRUSTERS AND TRANSFER ALL POWER TO DEFLECTOR SHIELDS"

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III
Attorney General
 * 1) AG Sessions to hold press conference at 4pm Eastern, presumably to tell us that he did not have relations with that country. Or that he did. Either way, grab the popcorn, and here we go, again
 * 2) The media is targeting Jeff Sessions because he uncovered the ultra-secret Department of Justice slush fund that Obama and his predecessors used to keep the media in line
 * 3) Sessions was not technically asked if anyone in the Trump campaign talked with the Russians, only what he would do if they had. Therefore it was not perjury when he said no one had communicated with them
 * 4) AG Sessions: "Khorosho, ya sdelayu vse, chto vozmozhno, chtoby vosstanovit' nezavisimost' i professionalizm Ministerstva yustitsii"
 * 5) In what is surely pure coincidence, AG Sessions has followed up last week's memo rescinding the federal policy ending the use of private for-profit prisons, with one suggesting he wants prosecutors to again seek maximum sentences for drug offenses
 * 6) The purge continues: On a Friday afternoon, Sessions asks for resignation of 46 U.S. attorneys

Department of Justice

 * 1) WH: It's fine, just fine, nothing to see here. There are no investigations targeting the President, and if there were, we cannot comment on on-going investigations anyway. So there. Nailed it

Fox & Friends

 * 1) A minute-by-minute breakdown of two hours of this morning's "Fox & Friends" and President Trump's tweets that soon followed and referenced each story almost verbatim
 * 2) Cancer patient calls bullshiat on Samantha Bee's 'half-apology'

RT
formerly known as Russia Today
 * 1) Since Donald Trump is having such a hard time with his Russian ties, Russia Today figured it was the perfect time to revisit President Obama's birth certificate

EPA
Environmental Protection Agency
 * 1) EPA Office of Science and Technology Policy deletes "science" from its science mission statement, replaces it with "technologically achievable"

Steve Mnuchin
Treasury Secretary
 * 1) Oh, look, Steven Mnuchin just wrote the letter begging Congress to raise the debt ceiling so America doesn't default. Let's see if Republicans are still as opposed to it as they were when Obama was president

Ben Carson
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
 * 1) Ben Carson: Slaves were immigrants who dreamed of a better life
 * 2) There weren't any MFing immigrants on the MFing slave ships
 * 3) For a renowned surgeon, Ben Carson sure can't surgically remove that foot from his mouth
 * 4) Guess who else called slaves immigrants... Oh how the outrage was

FCC

 * 1) Privacy, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing. GOP wants to do away with FCC's entire privacy rulemaking to allow ISPs to sell your entire browsing history to advertisers or other third parties without your consent

Secretary of DHS

 * 1) Illegal border crossings decrease by 40% in February as Mexico learns what it's like to share a border with a third-world hellhole

Scott Pruitt
Director of the Environmental Protection Agency
 * 1) EPA chief Scott Pruitt says carbon dioxide is not a primary contributor to global warming. That is all

Paul Manafort
former Trump campaign manager
 * 1) Paul Manafort's protégé? Russian collaborator
 * 2) Paul Manafort's daughter sends out text message bragging about the people her father had killed

Mick Mulvaney
Director of OMB
 * 1) President Trump (R) in January:"There will be health insurance for everybody. Much less expensive than Obamacare and much better." White House Budget Director Mulvaney (R) in March:"Insurance for ordinary people is not really the end goal"

Boris Epshteyn
Assistant Communications Director for Surrogate Operations
 * 1) The guy in charge of getting Trump surrogates interviewed by the various news outlets is so bad at his job that he recently got into a screaming match with the booker from FOX NEWS

Carter Page
American oil industry consultant, foreign policy advisor
 * 1) Trump Campaign Knew

Michael Flynn
former National Security advisor
 * 1) White House spokesperson: Trump doesn't know a damn thing

James Comey
Director of the FBI
 * 1) Comey: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Privacy? What the hell is that?

Army General Joseph Votel
commander, U.S. Central Command
 * 1) The buck stops at General Votel

Betsy DeVos
Secretary of Education
 * 1) House okays using taxpayer money for Islamic schools

Independent Contractors

 * 1) Charles Krauthammer
 * 2) Columnist Charles "C-Unit" Krauthammer says the GOP healthcare bill is Obamacare Lite. Bonus: Says the GOP should pass it anyway. Double Bonus: Because this is all FDR, Eisenhower, and Obama's fault
 * 3) Ann Coulter
 * 4) "Immigrant privilege drives the child rape epidemic." Oh my f*cking God Ann Coulter actually said that line. And wrote an article about it. And believes it. And...Jesus Tapdancing Christ what the fark is wrong with her
 * 5) House Ways and Means Committee
 * 6) The first House panel advances the ACA repeal
 * 7) Rep. Jason Smith (R MO 8th)
 * 8) The bar has now been set for "stupidest thing said during the Obamacare repeal debate". " Rep Jason Smith (Slow-MO) decrying Obamacare's tax on tanning beds, If Democrats are concerned about dskin cancer "Why haven't they put a tax on the sun instead?"
 * 9) Senator Ted Cruz (R TX)
 * 10) Grandpa Munster says the Trumps were "gracious and warm" during dinner at the White House and everything was fine, just fine, and there is no reason to suspect otherwise
 * 11) National Review
 * 12) New York Times wants you to forget one of their narratives. Forget, forget, deep breath now, forget. Please standby to naively accept the next installment
 * 13) Rep. Paul Ryan (R WI 1st)
 * 14) Paul Ryan: The "fatal conceit" of Obamacare is that HEALTHY people with insurance subsidize SICK people's health costs
 * 15) New York Daily News
 * 16) I'm sure it's just a coincidence, but, the New York Daily News, America's paper of opposition to Donald Trump before the election, has changed their tone with President "no press access to haters" Trump
 * 17) Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R UT 3rd)
 * 18) House okays using taxpayer money for Islamic schools
 * 19) Julian Assange
 * 20) Julian Assange is alarmed about the amount of attention he's not getting these days

We Don’t Want Them In Our Country

 * 1) Watch the liberals. Listen to what they say, because their lies and their slanders are a road map to their plans for the future
 * 2) Congressman Steve King (R-eally Crazy) wants a purge. No, really, he said that
 * 3) President Trump has decided to use the power of his office to expose the potential duplicity and unscrupulous behavior of the Obama Administration in the wiretapping of his campaign
 * 4) Majority of Americans support a special investigation into Russiaghazi and the recusal of Forrest Sessions
 * 5) If the Republican party still has a moral center, it needs to find it or face extinction
 * 6) Trump's desire for a military buildup is a solution to a problem that does not exist and it is dangerous, irrational, and a waste of money
 * 7) Foreign cartoonists inspired by Trump's first month...oh dear
 * 8) "We're protesting injustice for the greater good, man." "You sure about that, hippie?"
 * 9) Fast For Trump
 * 10) Witchcraft, which isn't a real religion and isn't working, is apparently working and the cause of all trump's problems. No this is not a repeat from 1693
 * 11) While you libs are getting your panties in a wad, real Americans like xenophobes, Pizza-gaters, and middle-school Aryans are rallying for our president and calling for liberal genocide
 * 12) Where has the color purple gone in American politics? That's right, in the color dumpster of opposition

I Have My Own Theory On Obama

 * 1) Barack Obama's politically active post-presidency isn't normal, or good
 * 2) 122 "vicious" Gitmo detainees released by Obama have gone back to terrorism, tweets the Trump. Give or take 113 who were released by George W. Bush
 * 3) The latest conspiracy theory from fringe alt-right radio shock jocks? Obama holdovers in government are "committing treason" against Trump to cover up their crimes

The Media Here Is The Opposition Party

 * 1) A minute-by-minute breakdown of two hours of this morning's "Fox & Friends" and President Trump's tweets that soon followed and referenced each story almost verbatim
 * 2) Trump's grandfather once wrote a letter groveling and begging not to be deported
 * 3) All Things Considered tracked down a fake news site who wrote such headlines as "Chris Christie nominated to Supreme Food Court." and "Sarah Palin Banning Muslims from Entering Bristol Palin." Yes, he's a liberal
 * 4) Cancer patient calls bullshiat on Samantha Bee's 'half-apology'
 * 5) Rachel Maddow's dogged reporting may take Trump down, says intrepid columnist who forgets that she is part of the Fake News Complex and as such no one will listen to her
 * 6) Brookings Institute:"At least 15 million will lose their coverage under the American Health Care Act." Congressional Republicans:"We don't like your negative analysis so we'll make our own. With some spreadsheets or whatever"

I Will Restore Law And Order To Our Country

 * 1) Guys, it's not a Muslim ban. We know this because Trump told us. Please don't look at his own website telling us how he wants "a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States"
 * 2) "Immigrant privilege drives the child rape epidemic." Oh my f*cking God Ann Coulter actually said that line. And wrote an article about it. And believes it. And...Jesus Tapdancing Christ what the fark is wrong with her
 * 3) Illegal border crossings decrease by 40% in February as Mexico learns what it's like to share a border with a third-world hellhole
 * 4) Ferguson vs Trump. Round 2, FIGHT
 * 5) Okay folks, I want a unique angle on this Muslim Ban, doesn't matter how stupid. Um... What if we blamed it on Jimmy Carter?

I Alone Can Fix It
While the State exists there can be no freedom; when there is freedom there will be no State


 * 1) National Park Service
 * 2) National Park Service releases hundreds of ground and arial photographs of President Trump's inauguration and yup, looks like we can expect an incoming tweet storm
 * 3) FBI and NSA called to testify on Trump-Russia investigation. CIA was going to be called, but thanks to Wikileaks, Congress already knows what CIA was going to say anyway
 * 4) CBO Congressional Budget Office
 * 5) Brookings Institute:"At least 15 million will lose their coverage under the American Health Care Act." Congressional Republicans:"We don't like your negative analysis so we'll make our own. With some spreadsheets or whatever"
 * 6) Rep. Tom O’Halleran (D AZ 1st)
 * 7) Democrats are suddenly concerned about the price of Presidential trips
 * 8) Statistical Policy Directive Number 3
 * 9) Virtually the entire White House tweets about February's job stats, minutes after the official numbers are released. This is in direct violation of Statistical Policy Directive Number 3, which prohibits Federal employees from doing so
 * 10) U.S. District Court Judge William Conley
 * 11) "President Donald Trump's revised travel ban executive order suffered its first legal setback Friday as a federal judge blocked the directive's potential impact on the family of a Syrian refugee living in Wisconsin"
 * 12) Senator Chris Murphy
 * 13) Sen. Murphy says what many of us are thinking, Wikileaks timing for releasing this info on the CIA is suspiciously timed, almost as if they were trying to deflect attention from something else, but what could that be?

We May Have To Get You A Larger Room

 * 1) It's Monday, so you know what that means: Trump's own agencies have told him that he's wrong about his weekend conspiracy rant, but he doesn't care and still believes his own derp
 * 2) FBI continues investigating the "odd" cyber link between a Russian bank and Trump's corporate holdings

When someone crosses you, my advice is ‘Get even!’

 * 1) Fark Politics tab explained: "social media...means that the satire never has to end, that you can always jack right back in, and there's always another person to tell you that those conservative rubes are uncool and unfunny"
 * 2) Newly declassified documents show that it's not just fake news, it's the CIA's news
 * 3) Alex Oronov
 * 4) Who is Alex Oronov? And why, like so many others on the Trump-Putin boundary, is he suddenly dead?
 * 5) David Bossie former Trump Deputy Campaign Manager
 * 6) Everyone in the Trump campaign was rewarded with appointments they were unqualified for--except for Deputy Campaign Manager David Bossie, who was left in the cold. Probably because he never talked to Russia
 * 7) Senator Tom Cotton (R AR)
 * 8) Even Sen. "Tehran Tom" Cotton isn't willing to hop aboard Trump's latest crazy Train
 * 9) Heritage Foundation
 * 10) Heritage Foundation throws down the gauntlet on GOP's joke of an ACA replacement
 * 11) Senator Ben Sasse (R NE)
 * 12) "Meh, he's a crazy asshole. What did you expect? Don't look at us, you voted for the guy." - The GOP Leadership
 * 13) Rep. Devin Nunes (R CA 22nd) House Intelligence Committee Chairman
 * 14) Mr. President, about those wiretapp allegations? Yeah....well we're sorry sir, but this time you're on your own
 * 15) Senator Richard Burr (R NC) Senate Intelligence Committee Chair
 * 16) Mr. President, about those wiretapp allegations? Yeah....well we're sorry sir, but this time you're on your own
 * 17) National Review
 * 18) The Uber-conservative National Review "If you want to see political malpractice in action, you don't have to read Donald Trump's latest tweet - just look at the mess Republicans have made of replacing Obamacare"
 * 19) Man: "I've yet to read anything positive about this healthcare bill". Woman: "Try going 2 a conservative source and open up your reading habits". Man: "I'm the editor of National Review Online"
 * 20) Bloomberg News
 * 21) Pay no attention to the trade surplus the U.S. had with China in February
 * 22) Mick Mulvaney Director of the Office of Management & Budget 
 * 23) President Trump (R) in January:"There will be health insurance for everybody. Much less expensive than Obamacare and much better." White House Budget Director Mulvaney (R) in March:"Insurance for ordinary people is not really the end goal"
 * 24) Breitbart
 * 25) Breitbart, Steve Bannon's own personal public relations arm, thinks the GOP's ACA replacement is terrible
 * 26) Governor Charlie Baker (R MA)
 * 27) Governor sees Trump's attempt to f*ck over Planned Parenthood and promises to keep funding them even if the Feds pull out, no strings attached. Oh, and the governor is a Republican
 * 28) FOX
 * 29) Fox News slams GOP health care reform plan. Yes, THAT Fox News
 * 30) Senator Tom Cotton (R AR)
 * 31) "Tehran Tom" Cotton wants a do-over on Trumpcare
 * 32) James Rosen reporter for FOX News
 * 33) Spicer: "Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone." Fox reporter: "No, he didn't" Spicer lackey: "There are multiple reports that Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone"
 * 34) Senator RANDPAUL (R KY)
 * 35) Rand Paul introduces simple bill to full repeal Obamacare titled "Popcorn Dot Gif Act of 2017"
 * 36) Rep. Pete Sessions (R TX 32nd)
 * 37) Trumpy Spice: "Every member of the House and Senate will be able to have their opportunity to have amendments (on TrumpCare) offered through the committee process and on the floor," GOP Leadership: The Hell you say
 * 38) Walter Shaub Director, Office of Government Ethics
 * 39) White House: Ethics laws do not apply to the executive branch. U.S. Ethics official: Um, yes they do, dumb asses
 * 40) Rep. Paul Ryan (R WI 1st)
 * 41) Paul Ryan; "Trump will never win a beauty contest." Wait, what? Oh, Trumpcare will never win a beauty contest. Coulda went either way

Go after people that go after you

 * 1) Valerie Jarrett has moved in with the Obamas. So that's how it is in their family
 * 2) May we present: Trump's proof of the wire tapp. And you know he'd tapp that
 * 3) Russian hacking of the DNC is a problem, not a scandal. The scandal is this: Who inside the government of the United States is trying to discredit, damage or destroy the President of the United States?
 * 4) There weren't any MFing immigrants on the MFing slave ships
 * 5) That time when candidate Trump met with the Russian Ambassador and then lied about it
 * 6) Senators push to force Southern White House to obey regular White House open records laws
 * 7) No one likes Ryancare because it's either A) too evil or B) not evil enough
 * 8) Fmr. NSA analyst: Intel sources say White House 'targeting journalists' with 'help from Russian intel' - Nothing to see here, move along comrade
 * 9) Sen. Franken: Lies, and the perjured Jeff Sessions who tells them
 * 10) Yesterday NPR political reporters resorted to memes and funny gifs during Spicer's conference. Let's hope it catches on
 * 11) Gold Star father Khizr Khan: "Guys, I have been persecuted by having my ability to travel put under review by these fascists." People: "Wow, that sounds terrible. Details?" Khan: *waves pocket Constitution, throws smokebomb*
 * 12) Nothing to see here -- just Trump associates directly communicating with Russian hackers mere weeks before the DNC was hacked
 * 13) What has gotten into the Democrats? Why are they so bellicose toward Moscow?
 * 14) Is Obamacare really failing?
 * 15) Rep. Maxine Waters: "We know" Trump sex blackmail is "absolutely true." Which is such a coincidence because Max Waters was the name of one of his Russian prostitutes
 * 16) Whine bar sues Trump
 * 17) Hey, wait a second. Why AREN'T the insurance companies screaming bloody murder about the potential destruction of the individual insurance market?
 * 18) Study shows that conservatives are less likely to be Canadian than liberals
 * 19) American Society of Civil Engineers
 * 20) Civil engineers estimate it will cost approximately the amount of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan to fix all of America's broken shiat
 * 21) When Republicans are unable to come together and get their own healthcare reform passed, Trump has a simple solution lined up: Blame the Democrats
 * 22) Please call the atrocious Republican healthcare plan "Trumpcare". Because the White House doesn't want you to call it that
 * 23) Okay folks, I want a unique angle on this Muslim Ban, doesn't matter how stupid. Um... What if we blamed it on Jimmy Carter?

No Puppet! No Puppet! You're The Puppet!

 * 1) Blaming the Klan on modern Democrats is like blaming the Unabomber on the Montana Territory, which I do so nyeh
 * 2) "Liberals, much like Hitler, are under demonic control"
 * 3) Obama is "engaging with domestic terrorists" to take down Trump. Wait, domestic terrorists typically support Trump
 * 4) The more President Trump wins, the more the Dems and anti-Trump conservatives flail their arms in disgust
 * 5) The left about to eat their own. Honest, reasonable Democrats have no place in their party anymore
 * 6) Something is straining the relationship between President Trump and President Obama. They used to be BFFs; I'm not sure what happened