Drumpfster Fire Daily Chaos/Archive/2017/February 2017

The President's Address to Congress

 * 1) Trump administration to drug everyone during his speech to Congress Tuesday in the hopes we all forget the hilarious failure that is the Trump Administration thus far
 * 2) In tomorrow's speech to a joint session of Congress, President Trump should seek bipartisanship and find middle ground with Democrats
 * 3) It's your official pre-speech discussion thread. Main thread goes live 9PM ET
 * 4) Six critical reactions to keep an eye on during President Trump's first address to Congress: Shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance
 * 5) State of the Donald Official Discussion thread-- POTUS entry at 9pm ET

Shock Doctrine

 * 1) If you thought Trump's first month in office was a disaster, you ain't seen nothing yet
 * 2) Good news everyone, professor of classics and history at Stanford University reports that electing Trump is the only way to reduce economic inequality in America

Pretext for war

 * 1) Alternative facts are about to turn Iran into a glass parking lot
 * 2) As his lackeys in Washington come under increasing scrutiny, Vladimir Putin decides to secretly deploy cruise missiles in violation of treaty that ended Cold War
 * 3) Russian spy ship loiters 70 miles off US East Coast while listening to our rock and roll. Verify range to target, Vasily. One ping only
 * 4) Michael Flynn's replacement has arrived
 * 5) Russia spokesperson kindly and subtly reminds Trump that it would be in his best interest to keep up his end of the deal so that no one ends up pissed
 * 6) Russia urges President Trump to keep campaign pledge to improve relations despite that whole Crimea being 'taken' by Putin thingy
 * 7) Nuclear weapons experts ask if Trump is getting his information from farking morons or is just farking stupid himself
 * 8) Plans for what will surely end up a massive land war in the Middle East have been sent to the White House

Meglomania, Jingoism

 * 1) Trump takes the opportunity of his Black History Month speech to sooth racial tensions in the US. Just kidding he spends the most of the speech complaining about CNN
 * 2) Turns out that convoy that drove through Louisville flying a Trump flag on Sunday belonged to a Navy Special Warfare unit. No, that's not ominous at all
 * 3) The Navy has opened an investigation into why that convoy was flying a Trump flag
 * 4) Day 12: Trump stops an infant from getting life-saving open heart surgery
 * 5) Trump wants to pull UC Berkeley's funding because they successfully stopped hate speech
 * 6) Trump calls on National Prayer Breakfast attendees to pray for Arnold Schwarzenegger's Apprentice ratings
 * 7) Arnold Schwarzenegger responds to Trump: How about we switch jobs? Then people can sleep comfortably again
 * 8) A new HuffPost/YouGov survey finds that 35 percent of respondents want Trump and Schwarzenegger to switch roles. Now get your ass to Mars. Get your ass to Mars. Get your ass to Mars. Get your ass to Mars. Get your ass to Mars. Get your ass to Mars
 * 9) "When you hear about the tough phone calls I'm having, don't worry about it," Trump said. "Just don't worry about it." Checkmate, libs
 * 10) There's a secret code word for when Donald Trump is having sex in the White House
 * 11) "I'm going to lie to your face, then lie some more, then cover that with a lie but I'm for realsies telling the truth"
 * 12) Trump salutes Black History Month by being stupid and worrying about the name, changes it to African American History Month. His comedic take on political correctness. Don't quit your day job
 * 13) Meanwhile in the Texas education system
 * 14) From the "It's OK when it's My Guy" desk: Donald Trump's trip to Mar-a-Lago this weekend will cost taxpayers $3 million
 * 15) Donnie brags about his travel ban after guy attacks Louvre. Only problem is guy was not from one of the seven countries banned. Why is Donnie so damned dumb?
 * 16) Trump to Uber CEO Travis Kalanick for bailing on the presidential tech panel: "If you want to cut off your access to the White House, fark you"
 * 17) Well the Obama-Trump truce escalated quickly
 * 18) President Trump:"Obama likes me"
 * 19) Trump: everything everywhere is ruined forever and its all Obama's fault. Everyone else: WTF are you talking about, Donnie?
 * 20) It appears that the Trump White House's "boycott" of CNN lasted about as long as Trump's attention span when he skips a dose of Adderall
 * 21) Trump says federal court order is outrageous. I'm freakin' President and I wanna do what I wanna do. That's why I became President so that I could have absolute power. Did I mention that I'm President? Where's my executive order pen?
 * 22) Trump says, "You think our country's so innocent?" - in response to comment about Putin being a killer. Trump continues, I mean this country voted for me in spite of knowing what a jerk-off racist conman I was. Stop being so naive
 * 23) Trump threatens to defund 'out of control' California
 * 24) The leader of the CalExit movement has opened an "embassy" in Russia,financed by a shady Russian group with ties to the Kremlin. He's not alone,Texas,Hawaii and Puerto Rico secessionists are also there
 * 25) Real news doesn't have negative polls about his holiness The Trump, only fake news does. The Trump knows his numbers and he has great support. Enormous support, believe me, everyone actually supports him
 * 26) Puppet-in-Chief McGrubby Hands takes to Twitter to correct the record and let everyone know that he, not President Bannon is the one calling the shots in the White House
 * 27) Pro-Trump rally in Portland attracts yuuuge crowd. You've never seen crowds so yuge, believe me
 * 28) Trump White House Official finally admits it. The only reason they are calling everything "fake news" is because most news stories do not present the dear leader in a flattering light
 * 29) Trump threatens a Senator that has the gall to uphold the Constitution. "Who is that state senator? I want to hear his name. We'll destroy his career," Trump said, prompting laughter
 * 30) Trump: the murder rate is the highest in 47 years. FBI: no, it is the lowest in almost 50 years #fakenews
 * 31) Meet Donald Trump's details man. Wait, he has one?
 * 32) White House press secretary Spicer announces Nordstrom's decision to drop Ivanka Trump's fashion line is a direct attack on the President. Coming up next: USA declares war on Nordstrom
 * 33) " [ Trump's definitely underwater on favorability and job rating," said Bernie Porn, president of polling firm and winner of 'Worst Name to Google Ever']
 * 34) Here's a list of 62 companies Trump has publicly bashed, from Amazon and Apple, through Google and Glenfiddich to Verizon and the WSJ. Time to check his portfolio and see who he's going "short" on..oh...wait...we can't
 * 35) Secret Service launches emotional protection division to protect Trump's delicate sensibilities
 * 36) Next up: legalizing blood diamonds, because warlords need hotels too
 * 37) Italian town builds a statue of Donald Trump. To keep it classical, the Venus de Milo will serve as a template for his hands
 * 38) Tillerson, Kushner, and Preibus all endorsed Elliott Abrams, a conservative, highly respected expert on middle-east affairs, for State Department #2. Of course, Trump showed him the door after he learned that Elliott once spoke out against him
 * 39) Fake News confirms elements of Fake Dossier
 * 40) Trump promises future illegal actions that the courts will have to throw out
 * 41) Right now, the White House Press Corp is sitting in the basement of a private golf club with black plastic covering the windows so they can't watch the POTUS golf. Welcome to the new incredibly thin skinned normal, citizen
 * 42) Trump decides he doesn't want to visit Parliament anyway. No word yet on his opinion of Funkadelic
 * 43) If you picked a song to describe Donald Trump's approval rating, it would probably be "I'll Tumble 4 Ya"
 * 44) After a rocky first month as President, Donald Trump has done some serious soul-searching and deep introspection...and concluded HE'S awesome, it's just that his staff sucks and he needs a new one
 * 45) Donald Trump wakes up, takes stock of his administration, and vows to start anew. Just kidding, he blames everything on fake news and re-ignites his feud with our own intelligence community. So. Tired. Of all the. Winning
 * 46) Just in case you're strange or weird, here's everything Trump has tweeted since he became President. Next week, everything Trump has thought about tweeting but Ivanka stopped him
 * 47) Singer's album skyrocketed in sales after wearing a dress supporting Trump at the Grammys
 * 48) Looks like Donald Trump's biggest supporter at the Grammys did not support him until very recently, almost like she is just supporting him as some kind of publicity stunt or marketing ploy
 * 49) "New Trump appointees are carrying coffee mugs with that Trump campaign slogan into meetings with foreign counterparts"
 * 50) America doesn't deserve Donald Trump says Alex Jones
 * 51) The latest so-called poll from Gallup, who's a failing pollster mind you, shows that Trump's approval rating is -15 with fake voters. Sad
 * 52) "Well, you know what's interesting, this is our fifth Super Bowl in the last 16 years and every time we've had the privilege of going to the White House, a dozen of our players don't go. This is the first time it's gotten any media attention"
 * 53) Trump: "Mark Cuban isn't smart enough to run for President". Cuban: "LOL"
 * 54) 46
 * 55) A reminder: Trump did not fire Flynn, but he fired the woman who warned him Flynn was compromised
 * 56) Trump expects Russia to return Crimea. Hopes they kept the receipt
 * 57) So Donald Trump got Mar-A-Lago removed from Trip Advisor
 * 58) This actually is Trump's Katrina (No, not wife #4)
 * 59) Corey Lewandowski's new elevator pitch: "I have access to Trump's Twitter account"
 * 60) What Donald Trump's handshake says about him
 * 61) [https://www.fark.com/comments/9482789 Trump whines the New York Times owes him an appleology
 * 62) So how exactly does one wage war on whistle blowers?
 * 63) Trump: I was valedictorian of my class at Wharton. Reality: He didn't even make the honor roll
 * 64) Trump says administration running like "fine-tuned machine". Unclear how to adjust timing when cylinder 1 fires at random and other cylinders keep ejecting pistons
 * 65) Chris Christie "forced" to eat meatloaf by Donald Trump at White House, which, if true, represents first time Christie forced to eat anything, anything at all
 * 66) I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing
 * 67) Please. I need more magical make-people-do-stuff pens. I need them now, I need to satisfy my power addiction. I may have to give another psycho press conference if they don't show up soon
 * 68) The elaborate lifestyle of the Trump family is a staggeringly expensive logistical nightmare, and you'll never guess who gets to pick up the tab. Hint: not Trump
 * 69) Here comes the "Deportation Force". Perhaps we could concentrate those rounded up into camps of some kind
 * 70) The undocumented immigrants rounded up by ICE recently include very few blind-orphan single moms working three jobs while learning astrophysics, and rather a lot of rapists, drug dealers and drunk drivers
 * 71) Just in case your faith in humanity hasn't been completely destroyed, there are now people pretending to be ICE agents in order to extort money from immigrants
 * 72) Donald Trump isn't insane; he's just a horrible boss whom you only have to listen to "for five minutes to know that he is intimately familiar with the taste of a waiter's testicles rubbed on to his $200 filet mignon"
 * 73) Libs take the bait in Trump's game of 30-dimensional Hungry Hungry Hippos
 * 74) Trump's poll gets trolled
 * 75) The Left will sell us their lie that Americans hate Trump and what he is doing. Therefore, the Trump revolution will not be televised
 * 76) Trump may not know the meaning of cronyism, but he's sure practicing it
 * 77) "Trump is urging the Justice Department to investigate his perceived opponents." A surprise only to an 80-year-old hermit opal miner in the Australian outback
 * 78) What a sad, empty man
 * 79) Yeah, about that Trump supporter who was 'spontaneously' invited on stage during his Florida 'campaign' rally...
 * 80) What infuriates the liberal media? "President Trump has a connection with his voters that most politicians don't, and that connection is not anything that anybody else can break"
 * 81) Trump NSC appointee fired for complaining that Bannon has taken control of all national security policy
 * 82) Reality: Trump's time as POTUS has been extremely rocky. Trumpers: Fark you reality. The national debt is gone, Americans now shiat gold bars, and no POTUS has ever had a higher approval rating
 * 83) Texas goes all-in on Trump, with nearly 90% of Republicans thinking he's doing a perfect job. FARK: Half of them think Putin is the bestest, and walks on water
 * 84) Al Gore may have invented the Internet, but Donald Trump owns about half of it
 * 85) Texas anti-vaxxers energized by Trump
 * 86) How TV influences Donald Trump's foreign policy. And that's fine, look I was raised on TV and I turned out TV
 * 87) OH great, Apparently our foreign policy is being "forged" by FOX News. We're now at war with Sweden, Mexico, and Australia
 * 88) Trump lives in a media bubble and it's causing chaos. "We now need someone to unplug the White House wi-fi and switch off his damn television"
 * 89) Donald Trump's aides are using special tactics to keep him off Twitter, starting with no tweeting within eight hours of watching anything on CNN
 * 90) Pres. Trump says media shouldn't be citing confidential sources. As proof, he references an unnamed news report
 * 91) Trump's tweets are very predictable - if you watch Fox News. It's where the President gets all his information. Certainly not books or smart people
 * 92) It just so happens that President Trump 'the hated' is a lot like President Lyndon Johnson whom liberals still love
 * 93) What do Stalin, Mao, and Trump have in common?
 * 94) Trump visits Smithsonian's National Museum of African American History and Culture, and upon deep reflection he makes the visit about him
 * 95) REVEALED: The real reason Trump went to the Museum of African American History: He was looking for Obama's birth certificate
 * 96) Finally ignoring all the fake news about Russia, CNN's headlining story today is about all the great things the President has accomplished and all the naysayers he's won over
 * 97) "Welcome to Donald Trump's imperial presidency, I'm Barack Obama your tour guide"
 * 98) Trump down to 50/50 even in Rasmussen's polling
 * 99) The distribution of approval rating polls explained. Trump sucks
 * 100) Was the greatest trick 4Chan ever pulled President Trump?
 * 101) 25. Display humility
 * 102) Trump is speaking live at CPAC right now, hold onto your butts
 * 103) A lot of flag waving going on during Trump's CPAC speech. Russian flags, but still
 * 104) Ladies and Gentlemen, the trolls who won CPAC
 * 105) CPAC: Trump tells conservatives he is future of the GOP
 * 106) Trump's claim:"There are lines that go back six blocks. I tell you that because you won't read about it." Reality: Not even in the galactic neighborhood of the truth
 * 107) Fact-checking the President's CPAC speech. 6 interns died of exhaustion to bring us this information
 * 108) If you took a drink every time Trump attacked the Media, or used the phrases "enemy of the people", "standing ovation", "fake news", or "electoral college", in his speech at CPAC, you are dead now
 * 109) Here's Donald Trump's epic CPAC speech, translated into human: "We're ahead of even our most ambitious estimates for driving America into the ground"
 * 110) Conservatives still give Trump thumbs up. Liberals more inclined to use other digit
 * 111) This time they've gone too far. Not like last time when we thought they had gone too far but still had further they could go... This time, surely, they have gone too far
 * 112) Trump's approval ratings are under water with everyone but white, rural, non-college-educated Republican men and let's face it,those guys aren't ever going to give him up or let him down
 * 113) Of the 663 promises made, Trump has broken 64 and kept seven in his first month in office
 * 114) Take the OFFICIAL "President Trump's First Month Approval Survey" from the GOP
 * 115) Evangelicals are happy with Trump. So far they're the ONLY people happy with Trump, but they're ok with that
 * 116) Trump wants his supporters to hold a mass rally in his support. Y'know, like Hitler used to do
 * 117) "The National Debt in my first month went down by $12 billion", said the President who hasn't actually enacted any fiscal legislation
 * 118) Trump cancels meeting with his fellow partner in crime Kim Jong Un after North Korea's latest missile test
 * 119) Robert Davi says reporters who "spread lies about virtuous political candidates like Trump" should be thrown in jail. Tough talk from a man whose biggest film credit is Showgirls
 * 120) Kuwait Embassy drops up to $60,000 on party at Trump's D.C. hotel. Will he send the money to the Treasury, as promised?
 * 121) Donald and Ivanka Trump, Nigel Farage, and Rick Scott walk into a bar, at the hotel Trump now illegally owns, while the official WH press pool members were kept in vans outside and not allowed to leave. Sorry, the only joke is that he's president
 * 122) Texas farmer supports his president by plowing TRUMP into his fields...directly below giant wind turbines that Trump would surely oppose
 * 123) Fake news poll underestimating President Trump's yuge support
 * 124) A "highly placed source" tipped a blogger that Trump would eat at Trump Hotel's BLT Steak last night, but he accidentally revealed Trump is history's greatest monster: "Trump had a well-done aged New York strip. He ate it with catsup"
 * 125) "Nobody knew that healthcare could be so complicated" --Donald Trump, speaking to a room full of executives from major healthcare companies
 * 126) Old man laughs at clod
 * 127) "But if Trump is able to get the money from Congress to hire the 10,000 additional immigration cops and 5,000 more border agents he wants, I think you'll be able to say something else about his policy: It will be economic suicide"
 * 128) Saddened by the millions who turned out for the Women's Marches and the thousands packing town halls across the country, Trump Supporters are planning their OWN rallies which may be a bit smaller; but only because Trump's appeal is "more selective"
 * 129) America trusts the media over Trump by a 2 to 1 margin in new poll. Undoubtedly, Trump will take this to heart and stop being a lying conman not worthy of the job of dog catcher, never mind President of the United States
 * 130) Remember those pro-Trump rallies? The actual crowds that attended were like his hands: Tiny
 * 131) Over 250 people showed for one of the largest pro-Trump rallies yet
 * 132) New York Times runs ad during Oscars. Angry Trump tweet in 5...4...3...2...AAAAnnnnd there it is
 * 133) President Donald Trump has been good for literature. Anti-fascist literature, that is. Trump's inauguration has caused a huge spike in sales of 'The Origins of Totalitarianism' by Hannah Arendt and 'American Fascists' by Christopher Hedges
 * 134) Trump asks insurance companies to save us from Obamacare so that we can get the Affordable Care Act instead
 * 135) Showing a complete inability to engage in introspection, Trump answers "No, probably I could never do that," when asked if he could think of anytime when he deserved criticism
 * 136) Trump grades his first month. Not surprisingly, he made the honor roll
 * 137) Trump administration to drug everyone during his speech to Congress Tuesday in the hopes we all forget the hilarious failure that is the Trump Administration thus far
 * 138) In tomorrow's speech to a joint session of Congress, President Trump should seek bipartisanship and find middle ground with Democrats
 * 139) In another blow to fake news sources like the NYT, WaPo, CNN and Politico, the Trump administration leaked a preview of Trump's SOTU speech to a source it considers real news...InfoWars

FLOTUS BS

 * 1) FLOTUS upset the Daily Mail prevented her from making millions from her new "once in a lifetime" job
 * 2) White House press secretary Spicer announces Nordstrom's decision to drop Ivanka Trump's fashion line is a direct attack on the President. Coming up next: USA declares war on Nordstrom
 * 3) Nordstrom stock jumps after Trump tantrum
 * 4) Ivanka Trump's merchandise available at T.J. Maxx trashbins near you
 * 5) Is what is expected of a First Lady outdated?
 * 6) Kellyanne Conway to Fox News viewers: "Go buy Ivanka's stuff," and yes, she actually said that
 * 7) 5 CFR 2635.702: § 2635.702 Use of public office for private gain. "An employee shall not use his public office ..for the endorsement of any product, service or enterprise, or for the private gain of friends, relatives"
 * 8) White House press secretary Sean Spicer says Conway was "counseled" for pushing Ivanka Trump products. Coming up next: White House press secretary Sean Spicer replaced by the ShamWow guy
 * 9) What was Ivanka Trump doing sitting in the president's chair inside The Oval Office?
 * 10) "She "Is unhappy with how her life ended up. She is miserable." would seem like an odd way to describe a former model, who married a billionaire who, oh yeah, is now also President of the United States, but, here we are
 * 11) If you find yourself wondering "Where is Ivanka?" over the next week, the Cheeto In Chief probably locked her up in a penthouse to keep her from Justin "He's so dreamy" Trudeau
 * 12) "Why the vitriol against Ivanka Trump? Much of it can likely be boiled down to jealousy. Left-leaning journalists and feminists won't admit it, but she is everything that we all aspire to be: smart, beautiful, and successful"
 * 13) Someone finally explained to Melania Trump that claiming in court that she planned to earn a lot of money from being First Lady was a bad idea
 * 14) Security costs at Trump Tower have dropped to less than a bazillion which was unexpected
 * 15) This is why you lost reason #236209832: CNN attacks Melania and Ivanka Trump for being thin and white

Generalissimo Know-It-All

 * 1) Donald Trump knows so much more than the generals, he ordered Navy Seals to attack a fortified terrorist outpost without sufficient intel, no ground support, and no contingency plans
 * 2) Not only did the Yemen raid go so poorly that it left a Navy SEAL and over 20 civilians dead, they didn't even get their intended target: an Al Qaeda leader who is now taunting Trump for the failure
 * 3) Spicer: Questioning the raid where we got that guy killed is an insult and disservice to that guy we got killed
 * 4) Yemen rescinds consent for US forces after botched Trump raid
 * 5) Trump dined, people died
 * 6) Trump's listening session on problems within the Veterans Administration was missing something kind of important
 * 7) U.S. Army once again poised to violate treaty obligations to Native American tribes. All of this has happened before, all of this will happen again
 * 8) Putin: "So what you think of START treaty?" Trump: "Hold on." [to aide "Psst, what's the START treaty?"]
 * 9) Trump's naval buildup may be deadlier than you imagined. And not because we're gonna have another Battle of Jutland
 * 10) And the latest thing Trump has probably irrevocably farked up by running his mouth when he shouldn't have IS...The Court Martial of Bowe Bergdahl
 * 11) Intel officials are withholding sensitive information from Trump for fear of being compromised, also plan on replacing nuclear football with an actual football
 * 12) Office of DNI: "We didn't withhold intelligence from Trump." Yeah, pretty sure you're going to have to blame God for that one
 * 13) Here comes the "Deportation Force". Perhaps we could concentrate those rounded up into camps of some kind
 * 14) Trump administration denies the leak that they are mobilizing 100,000 National Guard troops to round up unauthorized immigrants so if you're an illegal immigrant or in the National Guard time to pack your go bag
 * 15) Trump administration denies that it considered calling up National Guard troops to aid in deportations, so obviously here is the 12 page memo written by DHS Secretary Kelly suggesting it (PDF)
 * 16) The undocumented immigrants rounded up by ICE recently include very few blind-orphan single moms working three jobs while learning astrophysics, and rather a lot of rapists, drug dealers and drunk drivers
 * 17) Just in case your faith in humanity hasn't been completely destroyed, there are now people pretending to be ICE agents in order to extort money from immigrants
 * 18) "There are two Chicagos; one is safe, the other worse than the Middle East," says an angry Donald Trump. However, one thing is certain: both Chicagos both have awful baseball teams
 * 19) The purge begins again
 * 20) Trump declares the immigration roundup efforts a "military operation". No word if it comes with new, matching uniforms for ICE officials
 * 21) In today's exercise in Trump administration humiliation, Spicer had to go out in front of millions of people and claim that "military operation" doesn't mean "military operation"
 * 22) Trump and his supporters, winning the war on women awaiting brain surgery
 * 23) Homeland Security chief John Kelly wonders why the press brings up questions about military force being used in immigration operations. This might be a crazy thought, but maybe they keep asking because the President of the U.S. said exactly that
 * 24) Trump: I saved the Air Force a billion dollars. Air Force: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
 * 25) Trump is going to build the yugest, most luxurious ice breakers that you've ever seen. You better believe it
 * 26) Trump wants U.S. to be top of the heap in nukes, which we already are, so just declare victory and shut the fark up, Donnie
 * 27) Every man, woman and child in the US will be paying more. To rebuild the military. $169.33 per person, as a matter of fact. Feel safer yet?
 * 28) Trump: "If we rebuild our military, we don't even need a State department, it does nothing"
 * 29) Our military's Commander in Chief just threw the troops under the bus for making him look bad. Maybe try not to die next time, losers

Coward

 * 1) Right now, the White House Press Corp is sitting in the basement of a private golf club with black plastic covering the windows so they can't watch the POTUS golf. Welcome to the new incredibly thin skinned normal, citizen
 * 2) Harry S Truman he ain't
 * 3) Trump whines the New York Times owes him an appleology
 * 4) Trump is showing reluctance to take responsibility for White House chaos says headline that is 8 words too long
 * 5) And NBC News finally grew a spine: 'Why should Americans trust you?'
 * 6) A reminder to Trump that you cannot hide from the Mainstream Media
 * 7) Trump: Rep.Cummings backed out of meeting with me claiming 'Oh, I can't move, it might be bad for me politically. I can't have that meeting". Rep. Cummings: "Dude,what?"
 * 8) The GOP has a new official survey out, and it's a doozy. "Is the media being mean to us? A) Yes, or B) Yes"
 * 9) Trump: everything everywhere is ruined forever and its all Obama's fault. Everyone else: WTF are you talking about, Donnie?
 * 10) Trump spent 77 minutes yesterday proving that America made a horrible mistake back on election day
 * 11) Here is the tremendous transcript from Thursday's winning press conference
 * 12) Libs take the bait in Trump's game of 30-dimensional Hungry Hungry Hippos
 * 13) Trump's poll gets trolled
 * 14) The 45th President of the United States of America believes, and has said publicly and openly that "The Press is the Enemy of the American People". This is fine
 * 15) From Alternative Facts to Alternative Language
 * 16) Trump just refused to give CNN, LA Times, NYT & Politico entry into the White House
 * 17) And now we know why the Washington Post was kept out of the briefing today
 * 18) Trump: All the stuff about Russia is FAKE. WaPo: If it's fake, why'd you fire Flynn over it?
 * 19) Pres. Trump says media shouldn't be citing confidential sources. As proof, he references an unnamed news report
 * 20) Trump says an unnamed person tells him of the evils of the press using anonymous sources
 * 21) Trump still has flashbacks to getting his ass handed to him the last time he went
 * 22) Donald and Ivanka Trump, Nigel Farage, and Rick Scott walk into a bar, at the hotel Trump now illegally owns, while the official WH press pool members were kept in vans outside and not allowed to leave. Sorry, the only joke is that he's president
 * 23) All you LIBS cry about the way Trump treats the press, but he's been in office only a month and has already scheduled his SECOND intensive, exclusive sit down interview with one of the famously tough journalists from Breitbart news
 * 24) The last president to skip the White House Correspondents' Dinner only did so because he'd just been shot in the chest. And he still picked up the phone and called in
 * 25) Poll from the No Sh*t Sherlock Institute says majority of Americans thinks the liberal media is too critical of President Trump
 * 26) New York Times runs ad during Oscars. Angry Trump tweet in 5...4...3...2...AAAAnnnnd there it is
 * 27) In another blow to fake news sources like the NYT, WaPo, CNN and Politico, the Trump administration leaked a preview of Trump's SOTU speech to a source it considers real news...InfoWars

Re-election

 * 1) Early 2020 poll indicates Trump is trailing "UNNAMED DEMOCRAT" but is leading "Elizabeth Warren"
 * 2) Trump is kicking off his 2020 campaign with a rally this weekend. Luckily, he doesn't have anything important to do
 * 3) Donald Trump holds first "campaign rally" of his presidency in Nurember... excuse me - Melbourne, Florida
 * 4) Yeah, about that Trump supporter who was 'spontaneously' invited on stage during his Florida 'campaign' rally...

Muslim ban

 * 1) Day 11: Trump kills a grandma
 * 2) Day 11: Trump didn't actually kill anyone's Grandma
 * 3) CNN producer detained at Atlanta airport will challenge Trump travel ban under two federal laws
 * 4) Echo chamber of idiocy Tomi Lahren goes on rant about the importance of Trump's Muslim ban, winds up explaining why the refugees are fleeing their home countries in the first place
 * 5) White House says Mosque shooting further evidence the Muslim ban is a great idea because it would have prevented it (it wouldn't) by stopping foreigners (the shooter's a Trump supporter from Canada) from shooting Christians (the victims were Muslims)
 * 6) First Not-A-Muslim Ban poll finds an overwhelming majority Americans hate the Trump order. Just kidding, it's big league popular
 * 7) Bannon and Trump start a war on breastfeeding
 * 8) A complete rundown of all the lawsuits filed against Trump for his Muslim ban
 * 9) Jenna Bush uses her father's words to rebuke Trump on his immigration ban
 * 10) Comcast protests Trump immigration order, holds rally between the hours of 2-4 pm
 * 11) KellyAnne Conway cites the infamous Bowling Green Massacre in defense of Trump's Muslim ban. And really, who could ever forget that tragic event?
 * 12) Federal judge halts enforcement of Trump Muslim ban. This is not a repeat from the numerous times this already happened in the past week. Dear God, it's only been a week
 * 13) Donnie brags about his travel ban after guy attacks Louvre. Only problem is guy was not from one of the seven countries banned. Why is Donnie so damned dumb?
 * 14) A little-noticed clause in Trump's immigration ban is so batcrap crazy that legal experts now assume that it should just be ignored because the authors clearly didn't know what the hell they were talking about
 * 15) Federal Judge to Trump: how about no on that travel ban of yours?
 * 16) Trump says federal court order is outrageous. I'm freakin' President and I wanna do what I wanna do. That's why I became President so that I could have absolute power. Did I mention that I'm President? Where's my executive order pen?
 * 17) Department of Homeland Security: Yea, we're gonna go ahead and listen to the federal judge
 * 18) The White House claimed that only 109 people were affected by Trump's Travel ban executive order. Turns out, the real number is slightly higher, but only by about three orders of magnitude
 * 19) Remember Elon Musk telling us how he is going to change things in the Trump administration from the inside? Yeah, about that
 * 20) Blizzard Entertainment criticizes Trump over travel ban, insists only they know how to properly throw a ban hammer
 * 21) Day 14: Trump decides letting a baby die due to the immigration ban will result in bad press
 * 22) DoJ appeals court decision, refuses to believe that someone dare speak against the will of Him
 * 23) The U.S. Court of Appeals for the 9th Circuit announced, at a time they knew Trump would be wide awake, that they have denied the Department of Justice's emergency motion to lift the travel ban restraining order
 * 24) While Trump continues to harp about wanting to build a wall to stop illegal immigration and terrorists coming from Mexico, FBI reports show that most terror suspects in the US come via Canada
 * 25) LIVE NOW: Oral Arguments livestream of the hearing on Trump's travel ban
 * 26) The appeal of the immigration ban ruling runs through the Ninth Circuit. Difficulty: One of the judges was a refugee
 * 27) Because when my organization has a giant spotlight shined on it, my first thought is to badger a lawyer for the ACLU
 * 28) Trump to judges: Even a 'bad high school student' would rule in my favor about my travel ban
 * 29) LAX detainees testify about "horrendous conditions"
 * 30) Breitbart reports that Venezuelan whistleblower is accusing the Venezuelan govt of selling Venezuelan passports, and other ID docs to Middle Easterners, including Hezbollah members. Difficulty: They cite Fake News site CNN as main source of evidence
 * 31) What country are you travelling from? How long are you planning to stay? What is your Facebook password?
 * 32) U.S. appeals court upholds suspension of Trump travel ban
 * 33) Three key mistakes Donald Trump made that led to the travel ban court defeat. And yes, his "Muslim ban" comments are mentioned
 * 34) How dare The Ninth Circuit Court use Trump's words on the campaign trail against him
 * 35) You think the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals that just issued a ruling against Donald Trump's immigration order is a good thing? Think again
 * 36) The "so-called" CIA is about to feel the wrath of a petulant two-year-old with nuclear capabilities
 * 37) Trump: "Hey losers, my Muslim ban is totally amazing and luxurious according to lawyer.bligshiat.com"
 * 38) Trump promises future illegal actions that the courts will have to throw out
 * 39) Trump voters in the Dakotas will be burying more of their children thanks to their enthusiastic support of deporting the only pediatric endocrinologist in a 150,000 sq mi area
 * 40) That eight-member Supreme Court will hurt Trump and the GOP. If only they hadn't stonewalled Obama
 * 41) In shocking news, Trump has been telling lies about his Muslim ban
 * 42) Canadian born passport holder denied entry to USA because Terrorism
 * 43) Remember Olympic-winner Ibtihaj Muhammad being detained at the airport because of Trump's Muslin ban? Yeah...about that
 * 44) Muslim Ban executive order blocked by Virginia judge. Hey wait, Virginia isn't in the Ninth Circuit
 * 45) Leaked emails may bring down Trump's Muslim ban
 * 46) Since the travel ban was signed by the President, guess which nation's people don't seem to be reducing their travel into the U.S.? Go on, guess
 * 47) Media notices that Trump's revised travel ban is essentially the same as the last one. No, it is actually different, according to Priebus, Miller and other top aides, because it has a different font
 * 48) Looks like the Dept of Homeland Security will be getting some angry tweets tonight
 * 49) Trump finds Dept. of Homeland Security report on travel ban pointless, says it failed to include data supporting the ban. "This is not the intelligence assessment the President asked for"
 * 50) French World War Two scholar detained for ten hours by US in latest border control debacle. Vive la résistance
 * 51) It's definitely not a Muslim ban, but here's what you have to do to get back into the US if you have a suspicious name
 * 52) DHS chief promises softer stance on the second Muslim Ban

Russian Economic Sanctions

 * 1) Treasury Department eases economic sanctions against Russia
 * 2) "I'm going to lie to your face, then lie some more, then cover that with a lie but I'm for realsies telling the truth"
 * 3) White House says Russian sanctions being lifted is not really happening. Nothing to see here. Please move along
 * 4) While we've been arguing about Betsy DeVos and Nordstroms, Russia has sold off almost 20% of it's State owned oil company in a convoluted deal involving Singapore, Qatar, and a Cayman Islands company with unknown owners. Tired of winning yet?
 * 5) "Since January 20, we've assumed that the Kremlin has ears inside the SITROOM"
 * 6) Signs multiplying that Michael Flynn will be the first to be thrown under the Trump administration's short bus
 * 7) Kremlin spokesman denies Michael Flynn discussed the lifting of sanctions with the Russian ambassador, because if you can't trust Russia, who can you trust?
 * 8) Russian Ambassador to the White House resigns
 * 9) Russia spokesperson kindly and subtly reminds Trump that it would be in his best interest to keep up his end of the deal so that no one ends up pissed
 * 10) Russia urges President Trump to keep campaign pledge to improve relations despite that whole Crimea being 'taken' by Putin thingy
 * 11) Say hello to Federal Prisoner 38379583, Michael Flynn, who lied to the FBI during an interview about the substance of his calls to Russia
 * 12) FBI decides not to pursue charges against Hillary Flynn
 * 13) Trump knew
 * 14) Is Ukraine trying to sabotage the detente between Russia and Trump? Maybe
 * 15) Ukraine, who may not have been following US poltical developments as closely as they should have in the last few months, desperately appeals to the US for help in staving off renewed Russian aggression against their country
 * 16) Trump's private lawyer Michel Cohen, his Russian "fixer," convicted felon and mafia member Felix Sater, and an ally of Viktor Yanukovych, secretly worked out a "peace plan" this summer to lift sanctions on Russia and remove Ukraine's current leaders
 * 17) Cohen lied about not taking the Ukraine peace plan to the White House. "Says who?" "Says who?"
 * 18) The Kremlin disavows the "peace plan" worked out by a Ukrainian lawmaker, Trump's Mob-connected "adviser" Felix Sater, and private lawyer Michael Cohen. Offers condolences to the lawmaker's family on his impending demise
 * 19) This is a test of the American legal system. Only a test, nothing to see here. Please move along
 * 20) Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition...to snipe a Ukranian oligarch out from under a US extradition request
 * 21) Awwww POTUS has a back channel with Moscow. How convenient
 * 22) Hacking data shows Paul Manafort was being blackmailed by Russia
 * 23) Why Flynnghazi is so troubling
 * 24) How Trump is getting away with corruption
 * 25) White House to FBI: Hey, can you guys knock it off with the whole Trump-Russia talking thing? FBI to White House: LOL NOPE
 * 26) This time they've gone too far. Not like last time when we thought they had gone too far but still had further they could go... This time, surely, they have gone too far
 * 27) Does the Trump/Russia scandal have the potential to reach a Watergate level outcome ? All signs point to "oh hell yes"
 * 28) Yes
 * 29) Sean Spicer personally arranged a phone call between top CIA and intelligence officials and two news organizations to try to counter the NY Times story about contact between Russian intelligence and the Trump campaign. Drip. Drip. Drip
 * 30) Must be a day ending in "y." It has been revealed there is another Trump cabinet member connection to Russia
 * 31) Ukrainian lawmaker, accused of treason by far right Ukrainian party due to his plan to cede Crimea to Moscow, says he met with Trump associates, and was assured his plan was delivered to the White House. Nothing to see here folks, move along

Apology Tour

 * 1) Nikki Haley latest federal diplomat to have to walk behind Trump picking up his turds
 * 2) Mike Pence has gone to Europe on a reassurance tour. He'll shake hands and will let everyone know that Trump is actually just fine. Also, the nuclear football he has access to is the fake one so don't worry
 * 3) Trump sends top envoys to Mexico on a "Fence Mending " mission

Voting Laws

 * 1) Trump owned golf course shanks it into the rough, gets hit with a $6M stroke penalty by a federal judge
 * 2) Trump realizes the implications of saying he won an illegitimate election
 * 3) Donald Trump still thinks voter fraud is a reality
 * 4) After 2016 raised serious concerns about outside governments trying to influence or even hack our elections, House Republicans have swung into action: to advance a bill to eliminate the Election Assistance Commission which oversees ballot security
 * 5) 1 down, 2,999,999 to go
 * 6) The latest voter fraud lie courtesy of Team Trump
 * 7) Texas may have a little voting problem on their hands

The Bigly Wall of Trump, The Best, Believe Me

 * 1) DHS Secretary says border wall should be finished in two years. Stop laughing, he's serious. Really
 * 2) Trump is never getting his wall. Never. Not for any altruistic or decently human reasons, mind you, but because business owners and the Republicans they control are addicted to cheap labor
 * 3) CEO and owner of *$ lumber says she is a supporter of President Trump, and his proposed border wall, which totally explains why her company just spent millions of dollars on a Superbowl ad depicting the wall as inhumane and Un-American
 * 4) Trump is finding out the hard way that the Pope really *is* Catholic
 * 5) Trump: The wall will cost $10 billion. House GOP: Um, maybe more like $15 billion. DHS: Guys, make that $22 billion, and that doesn't cover the part that goes through the mountains
 * 6) "_______ will pay for itself", said every conman ever
 * 7) The wall isn't even built and the Drug cartels have already found a work around: The Drug Catapult ®
 * 8) How San Diego and Tijuana told the border wall to go f*ck itself
 * 9) Trump sends top envoys to Mexico on a "Fence Mending " mission

Secret and Alternative Plans to Defeat Islamic State

 * 1) Trump's counter-terrorism efforts will focus exclusively on Islam, so that's good news for all the white supremacist Christian terrorists who want to attack mosques, minority churches, and anything else in the name of the alt-right
 * 2) So far Trump's promise to defeat ISIS within 30 days of becoming President has worked out pretty much how you'd expect such a moronic promise to work out
 * 3) Plans for what will surely end up a massive land war in the Middle East have been sent to the White House

Dodd-Frank

 * 1) Damage Report, day 14- Dodd-Frank and most financial regulations are going away
 * 2) If only there was something we could impeach him for. Wait, he said WHAT?

ACA

 * 1) Trump administration proposes massive changes to Obamacare, most of which had already been proposed by Obama
 * 2) "Nobody knew that healthcare could be so complicated" --Donald Trump, speaking to a room full of executives from major healthcare companies
 * 3) Old man laughs at clod
 * 4) Trump asks insurance companies to save us from Obamacare so that we can get the Affordable Care Act instead

Physical Health
For threads concerning mental health, please click here
 * 1) Trump's longtime "doctor" says that he takes a dead prairie dog growth drug
 * 2) So after two grueling weeks on the job, Trump felt he needed a vacation. But did he go golfing? Staffers refuse to say. So...is this Golfgate or Golfghazi?
 * 3) Donald Trump 'surprised' that being President is so much work
 * 4) Trump going on vacation for the third time in four weeks. Tell me again how Obama played golf all the time?
 * 5) President Trump will make Melbourne stop this Saturday, marking third trip to FL since inauguration, begging question when will he visit Disney World?
 * 6) What could be causing Trump's bizarre behavior? It could be an untreated STD
 * 7) What a sad, empty man
 * 8) Hey, remember when the President playing golf used to be a bad thing? Pepperidge Farm remembers, but apparently, Donald Trump doesn't. Must be the dementia
 * 9) A doctor explains the basis of Trump's decision making
 * 10) With hundreds of administration jobs unfilled, Trump is tired of the whole thing, and just decides to leave them unfilled. That is some well-oiled machine you got there Donald

Finding Jesus

 * 1) Turn the Other Cheek
 * 2) Trump could use his speech at the National Prayer Breakfast to attempt some reconciliation with political opponents
 * 3) Render Unto Caesar That Which Is Caesar's
 * 4) Coming soon to a church near you: Taxpayer subsidized political campaigning
 * 5) Trump says he'll destroy the separation between church and state. Plans on wiping his arse with the rest of the constitution later this week
 * 6) Draft of Trump's "Religious Freedom" order protects "any act or refusal to act that is motivated by a sincerely held religious belief, whether or not the act is required or compelled by, or central to, a system of religious belief." -ANY- -ACT-
 * 7) God's wrath
 * 8) "Immigration is God's punishment for evolution in schools, gay rights, and legal abortion." Direct quote from Carl Gallups
 * 9) Christian Identity
 * 10) Trump removes white supremacist groups from terror watch program, which will now only focus on Islamic groups
 * 11) Good news: Controversial protest at UC Berkeley succeeds. Bad news: At driving pre-sales of Milo Yiannopoulos's new book through the roof
 * 12) Opening the Seventh Seal
 * 13) Trump does something unusual by seemingly considering one aspect of foreign policy in a tempered and thoughtful fashion. OK, what's the catch?
 * 14) Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged
 * 15) Right wing evangelicals: The media is now using witchcraft to stop Trump. Witches: Wait, what? Who are you and why are you people on our front lawns again?
 * 16) Trump transition official: Executive Order allowing you the freedom to discriminate based on your religious beliefs against LGBT is coming, because you can't be American unless you piss on someone else. #MAGA
 * 17) Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness
 * 18) Suggestion to Republicans: If you're going to be late to your town hall meeting, especially after your constituents have been waiting for hours to ask you questions, don't waste time when you finally arrive by praying. "They Booed the Name of Jesus"
 * 19) Thou Shall Have No Other Gods Before Me
 * 20) Evangelicals are happy with Trump. So far they're the ONLY people happy with Trump, but they're ok with that
 * 21) The Lord is My Shepherd
 * 22) The Lord is my shepherd. OK? Totally. Big league. He is a tremendous shepherd. The best. No comparison. I know more than most people about herding sheep. And that's why I won the election in a landslide and it's why my company is doing very very well

Global Gag Rule

 * 1) NRO: "80% of Americans support the Mexico City Policy." Which is odd considering only about 10% of Americans know WTF that is

Sanctuary cities

 * 1) Don't mess with Texas...unless you are President Trump and threaten to cut our federal funding. Then we are eager to roll over and be your ever obedient biatch
 * 2) Headline: NYC rebuffs ICE deportation request. Article: NYC never received deportation request. It's not news, it's Politico

Refugees

 * 1) Canadian towns increasingly overwhelmed with American refugees
 * 2) Justin Trudeau: "Any US women that want to be bathed and brought to my chambers are welcome." By the end of the week, the US will have a worse gender-imbalance problem than China
 * 3) Wait, you mean Mexico isn't going to just accept third country deportees from the United States?

H-1B Visas

 * 1) Killing H1B visas won't stop offshoring. Firms will employ Americans to help offshore jobs, and eventually replace the Americans with bots

Border Adjustment Tax

 * 1) Known liberal, progressive activist department store Walmart warns its shoppers that Trump's "border adjustment tax" will raise prices customers pay for Walmart's goods

Immigrants

 * 1) "Immigration is God's punishment for evolution in schools, gay rights, and legal abortion." Direct quote from Carl Gallups
 * 2) GOP: We're not against immigrants in our country, we love legal immigrants. It's those who are here illegally that are the problem. Okay, we lied, we don't like them either
 * 3) While you were busy buying Ivanka shiat, a mother of two US born kids, who has been in America since she was 14, and was appealing her voluntary deportation order by appearing twice a year at the INS office, was just cuffed and thrown over the border
 * 4) The purge has begun
 * 5) The purge begins again
 * 6) What it means to be an immigrant in the US in Trump's America
 * 7) ICE is now ignoring DACA protections for immigrants
 * 8) Here comes the "Deportation Force". Perhaps we could concentrate those rounded up into camps of some kind
 * 9) Trump administration denies the leak that they are mobilizing 100,000 National Guard troops to round up unauthorized immigrants so if you're an illegal immigrant or in the National Guard time to pack your go bag
 * 10) Trump administration denies that it considered calling up National Guard troops to aid in deportations, so obviously here is the 12 page memo written by DHS Secretary Kelly suggesting it (PDF)
 * 11) The undocumented immigrants rounded up by ICE recently include very few blind-orphan single moms working three jobs while learning astrophysics, and rather a lot of rapists, drug dealers and drunk drivers
 * 12) Just in case your faith in humanity hasn't been completely destroyed, there are now people pretending to be ICE agents in order to extort money from immigrants
 * 13) Trump declares the immigration roundup efforts a "military operation". No word if it comes with new, matching uniforms for ICE officials
 * 14) In an effort to show they're not being racist, ICE is now raiding Asian restaurants in Mississippi. German, Hungarian, and Italian restaurants seen closing early
 * 15) Trump and his supporters, winning the war on women awaiting brain surgery
 * 16) Homeland Security chief John Kelly wonders why the press brings up questions about military force being used in immigration operations. This might be a crazy thought, but maybe they keep asking because the President of the U.S. said exactly that
 * 17) Not News: Sheriff obeys Constitutional law. News: Immigration law Fark: In Arizona. ÜberFark: Sheriff is Joe Arpaio's replacement
 * 18) Putting an ice cube tray full of water into the freezer and leaving it there overnight could make a dozen ice cubes, experts say
 * 19) Newly elected Latino democratic sheriff informs the federal government that their deputies will no longer serve as deputies for ICE
 * 20) Trump sends top envoys to Mexico on a "Fence Mending " mission
 * 21) If religious leaders are organizing networks to hide people from you, you might be in the wrong
 * 22) First they came for the taco trucks, and I did not speak out for our town did not have a taco truck. Then they came for El Pollo Loco, and I did not speak out for we did not have El Pollo Loco. Then they came for La Fiesta
 * 23) Headline: NYC rebuffs ICE deportation request. Article: NYC never received deportation request. It's not news, it's Politico
 * 24) Import programmer # That's not how Customs and Border Python works
 * 25) President Trump's genius immigration plan is already working: Illegal immigration has dropped 27% in January alone

We get it; he's black

 * 1) If you chose TPP, Bowling Green, Iran, Prayer Breakfast, Muslim Ban, or Berkeley as the top conservative news story today, you are out of touch
 * 2) For some reason, it wasn't a big deal in 2008 when Obama told his buddies in Iran to hold off on signing a nuclear weapons deal until he was in office

Muslin Usurper

 * 1) Did you know Barack Obama is personally orchestrating a Satanic sedition against Donald Trump?
 * 2) New jobless claims last month fell to a 43-year low. Thanks, Obama, and, err, sorry about the ...you know
 * 3) Obama Foundation officially launches bid to create a collaborative group of citizens that work together to increase their collective prosperity. Hopefully President Trump can put a stop to this

Ninja Obama Staffers

 * 1) Trump blames leaks of the transcripts to his Australia and Mexico phone calls on "Obama people," whom I guess were hiding behind the curtains or in the air ducts or something
 * 2) Thanks, Obama

Threatening future home of Obama Presidential Library

 * 1) "There are two Chicagos; one is safe, the other worse than the Middle East," says an angry Donald Trump. However, one thing is certain: both Chicagos both have awful baseball teams

Women in the workplace

 * 1) Donald demands that women on his staff "dress like women." The internet provides helpful examples for them
 * 2) Trump holds meeting to discuss women in the workplace. No women invited to the meeting of course
 * 3) President Trump wanted to hire one of those blond Fox News chicks as press secretary because reasons, but Priebus pushed for Spicer because reasons. It's unclear if those reasons were similar

Not Protesting

 * 1) There's an app to help you defeat facism because of course there is
 * 2) Michigan Republican offers solution of "Another Kent State" to resolve all those pesky students expressing their opinions

Terror

 * 1) According to the President of the United States, the reason we're not all terrified of terrorists is because the media doesn't report on all the terrifying terrorism the terrible terrorists are terrorizing us with
 * 2) White House releases lists of under reported terrorist attacks. Manages to misspell San Bernardino... which is probably why they think it was under reported. Sad
 * 3) Anderson Cooper to Trump on "under reported" terror attacks, I was there, reporting from most of them, and here's the video of me at each location. Bro, Do you even CNN?
 * 4) Donald Trump's 'Unreported Terror Attack' list contains more typos than actual unreported terror attacks
 * 5) Trumcipal .Caught sayof unpresidented that has Rediculous chocker "See, underreported Denmakr" is He attak Inglish or not. Dana Milbank says yes. Washington Post looking for aBannon -OR- "hello, I am latest honer boner agin"
 * 6) The first reasonable-sounding thing emerging from the Trump Administration, ever

"Terror"

 * 1) FBI is so successful at fighting terrorism that their anti-terror units can take time off to harass pipeline protesters. Yay America
 * 2) Trump declares the immigration roundup efforts a "military operation". No word if it comes with new, matching uniforms for ICE officials
 * 3) In an effort to show they're not being racist, ICE is now raiding Asian restaurants in Mississippi. German, Hungarian, and Italian restaurants seen closing early
 * 4) Trump and his supporters, winning the war on women awaiting brain surgery
 * 5) Homeland Security chief John Kelly wonders why the press brings up questions about military force being used in immigration operations. This might be a crazy thought, but maybe they keep asking because the President of the U.S. said exactly that
 * 6) The Bowling Green Massacre was so last week, White House now pushing narrative of terrorist attack in Atlanta that never happened
 * 7) Spicer has referred to a non-existent terror attack in Atlanta three times. This is what happens when you're staffed by the Breitbart comments section and not national security professionals
 * 8) Sean Sphincter claims he "clearly meant Orlando" after citing mystery Atlanta terrorist attack three times. Just like voters "clearly meant Hillary" but accidentally voted Trump

Dakota Pipeline

 * 1) U.S. Army once again poised to violate treaty obligations to Native American tribes. All of this has happened before, all of this will happen again
 * 2) FBI is so successful at fighting terrorism that their anti-terror units can take time off to harass pipeline protesters. Yay America

Illiteracy

 * 1) Looks like Samantha Bee might have been right after all. Little Donnie can't read
 * 2) More proof that Trump can't read: Claims NYTimes is fakenews because they didn't say he talked to China yesterday in an article about him talking to China yesterday
 * 3) White House releases lists of under reported terrorist attacks. Manages to misspell San Bernardino... which is probably why they think it was under reported. Sad
 * 4) More proof that Trump can't read: Claims NYTimes is fakenews because they didn't say he talked to China yesterday in an article about him talking to China yesterday
 * 5) How TV influences Donald Trump's foreign policy. And that's fine, look I was raised on TV and I turned out TV
 * 6) "Nobody knew that healthcare could be so complicated" --Donald Trump, speaking to a room full of executives from major healthcare companies
 * 7) Old man laughs at clod

The Economy

 * 1) "Trump was confused about the dollar: Was it a strong one that's good for the economy? Or a weak one? So he made a call his national security adviser who didn't know, said that it wasn't his area of expertise, and to ask an economist"
 * 2) Japan May Woo Trump with 700,000 U.S. Jobs and a $7 Billion Factory. This, to ward off criticism of its trade and monetary policy
 * 3) Seven indicators that Donald Trump's understanding of economics is roughly on par with that of a chicken
 * 4) "But if Trump is able to get the money from Congress to hire the 10,000 additional immigration cops and 5,000 more border agents he wants, I think you'll be able to say something else about his policy: It will be economic suicide"

"Budget"

 * 1) Trump's first budget to defund PBS, NEA, NEH, LSC and Americorps. Stop, my penis can only get so erect
 * 2) Fake data
 * 3) There are facts, alternative facts, and alternative statistics
 * 4) Trump: I saved the Air Force a billion dollars. Air Force: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
 * 5) Every man, woman and child in the US will be paying more. To rebuild the military. $169.33 per person, as a matter of fact. Feel safer yet?
 * 6) Trump's Budget Chief says Trump's proposed budget "sends a very powerful message". And that message, is, of course: We have absolutely no idea what we are doing

National Debt

 * 1) "The National Debt in my first month went down by $12 billion", said the President who hasn't actually enacted any fiscal legislation

Fiddling with Regulations

 * 1) While most new federal regulations have been put on hold, the Nuclear Regulatory Commission is going ahead on their rules regulating "Tornado generated missiles" which, while I have NO IDEA what those are, I am glad SOMEONE is regulating
 * 2) There's a possibility that Trump has no idea what regulations are and what they do

Trade

 * 1) There are facts, alternative facts, and alternative statistics
 * 2) A Trump flaps his lips and the entire ranching industry goes away
 * 3) Trump's bombastic rhetoric has already helped the European Union with trade. Sure, it's because fewer people want to trade with the US, but it's still good, right?
 * 4) New trade policy includes provisions to move the goal posts, creatively interpret rules, deflate balls, videotape other teams' practices

Tax Cuts

 * 1) The tax plan that Donald Trump has is based off of one of the biggest lies our parents told us about the economy

Notable Silence(s)

 * 1) Donald Trump often tweets about terror and violence, but said nothing about an attack in Quebec City. It's almost as if it didn't fit the narrative he has been trying to push or something
 * 2) Conway on Trump's Silence on the Quebec attack: "He Doesn't Tweet About Everything"
 * 3) Rick Santorum froths angrily when it's suggested that a rise in anti-Semitism has anything to do with President Trump's relative silence on the matter

Stupidity

 * 1) Judging by this statement: "Abolitionist leader Frederick Douglass 'an example of somebody who's done an amazing job that is being recognized more and more, I notice'", Trump clearly doesn't know who Fred Douglass is
 * 2) Frederick Douglass may have been a civil rights pioneer but his descendants are clearly our nation's greatest practitioners of the passive-aggressive sick burn
 * 3) Trump team to rethink strategy of haphazardly stumbling around like idiots who can't find a light switch. Wait, they literally can't find the light switches in the White House and have been working in the dark? That explains quite a bit
 * 4) "What are they saying?" Trump asked Abe, referring to photographers who were speaking Japanese. "Please look at me," the Prime Minister translated. Trump appeared to take the translation literally, and began to stare at the Prime Minister
 * 5) "As Mar-a-Lago's wealthy members looked on from their tables, Trump and Abe's evening meal quickly morphed into a strategy session, the decision-making on full view to fellow diners." But can you imagine the security risk of it had been via email?
 * 6) Could there be any better picture that summarizes the Trump presidency thus far?
 * 7) Remember when Biden pointed in the direction of the football carrier and everyone lost their minds? Fun times
 * 8) Just in case you're strange or weird, here's everything Trump has tweeted since he became President. Next week, everything Trump has thought about tweeting but Ivanka stopped him
 * 9) "New Trump appointees are carrying coffee mugs with that Trump campaign slogan into meetings with foreign counterparts"
 * 10) Trump and his staff use their cell phone lights to work in the dark, ha ha. "Phones are portable television satellite trucks and, if compromised, can be used to get a great deal of information" *gulp*
 * 11) Assistant Dumbest Man on the Internet Lucian B. Wintrich granted White House press credentials
 * 12) Donald Trump wakes up, takes stock of his administration, and vows to start anew. Just kidding, he blames everything on fake news and re-ignites his feud with our own intelligence community. So. Tired. Of all the. Winning
 * 13) Poor Donnie won't be able to do everything in deep dark secret and illegally. Getting away with stuff was so much easier as a private citizen
 * 14) "Missile treaty? What missile treaty?"
 * 15) Republican strategist Steve Schmidt says the "incompetence of the Trump administration is unprecedented." And before you question how he knows this, he once worked for the second most incompetent administration in history
 * 16) Do you think Donald Trump realizes Donald Trump fired Mike Flynn? Because it doesn't appear that Donald Trump knows this
 * 17) What Donald Trump's handshake says about him
 * 18) State Department? We don't need no stinking State Department
 * 19) Not to ruin the narrative all immigrants from the Middle East are bad, but Sweden's crime rate has been falling for the last 12 years even as it has taken in hundreds of thousands of immigrants from war-torn countries like Syria and Iraq
 * 20) Don't tell me--marijuana laced with formaldehyde?
 * 21) Sweden's former prime minister reminds everyone there were more murders in Florida ,where Trump spoke, than in the entire country of Sweden last year
 * 22) You may want to hold your jaw from hitting the ground, but it turns out the two Swedish police officers interviewed by Fox News, which Trump watched before making his ill informed remarks, say their quotes were taken out of context
 * 23) Don Lemon fact-checks the alternative filmmaker behind the grossly idiotic film that makes Sweden look like Chicago and resulted in Trump making a global gaffe
 * 24) How TV influences Donald Trump's foreign policy. And that's fine, look I was raised on TV and I turned out TV
 * 25) OH great, Apparently our foreign policy is being "forged" by FOX News. We're now at war with Sweden, Mexico, and Australia
 * 26) Trump lives in a media bubble and it's causing chaos. "We now need someone to unplug the White House wi-fi and switch off his damn television"
 * 27) Donald Trump's aides are using special tactics to keep him off Twitter, starting with no tweeting within eight hours of watching anything on CNN
 * 28) Pres. Trump says media shouldn't be citing confidential sources. As proof, he references an unnamed news report
 * 29) Trump's tweets are very predictable - if you watch Fox News. It's where the President gets all his information. Certainly not books or smart people
 * 30) Trump asks companies that are offshoring jobs "How can I put you out of business?"
 * 31) White House to FBI: Hey, can you guys knock it off with the whole Trump-Russia talking thing? FBI to White House: LOL NOPE
 * 32) "Evolution is just a theory." Signed, Mike Pence
 * 33) Trump's accomplishment: The Alabamafication of America
 * 34) Conservatives can't tell the difference between capitalism, socialism, and communism: "You cannot have Uber and a socialist-run health care system - it's both or neither"
 * 35) Pres. Trump says media shouldn't be citing confidential sources. As proof, he references an unnamed news report
 * 36) Trump just refused to give CNN, LA Times, NYT & Politico entry into the White House
 * 37) And now we know why the Washington Post was kept out of the briefing today
 * 38) Nuclear weapons experts ask if Trump is getting his information from farking morons or is just farking stupid himself
 * 39) The members of the ownership group that purchased the United States in a hostile takeover this November have been revealed
 * 40) French World War Two scholar detained for ten hours by US in latest border control debacle. Vive la résistance
 * 41) A "highly placed source" tipped a blogger that Trump would eat at Trump Hotel's BLT Steak last night, but he accidentally revealed Trump is history's greatest monster: "Trump had a well-done aged New York strip. He ate it with catsup"
 * 42) "Nobody knew that healthcare could be so complicated" --Donald Trump, speaking to a room full of executives from major healthcare companies
 * 43) Old man laughs at clod

LGBTQ Community

 * 1) Trump exposed his hand, unveiling his true views on LGBTQ rights
 * 2) Former Keebler Elf and weekend Southern Dandy cosplayer AG Sessions girds his loins to do battle with Betsy DeVoucher over transgender protections in public schools
 * 3) Trump ready to fire his first shot in the bathroom wars
 * 4) Former Keebler Elf and weekend Southern Dandy cosplayer AG Sessions girds his loins to do battle with Betsy DeVoucher over transgender protections in public schools
 * 5) Betsy DeVos is the voice of reason and compassion. I now need a hot shower and lots of booze after typing that
 * 6) 16-year-old who sang national anthem at Trump's inauguration has already turned on him over transgender bathroom issue. Trump expected to tweet "She can't sing and is kinda chunky. Ivanka was much hotter at 16. SAD." at any minute
 * 7) Caitlyn Jenner: "I never thought the leopards would eat MY face"
 * 8) "There's this fear that transgender kids are using it as a ruse to sneak into restrooms and grab people by the genitals. If you're looking for the kind of person who would do that, you need to look no further than the Oval Office. He's right there"
 * 9) I do not intend to mock, make light of, show hatred for, belittle, disparage, or imply that transgender people are defective. Disclaimer done, let's watch about 1000 words doing all those things accidentally fall out of my keyboard
 * 10) Trump transition official: Executive Order allowing you the freedom to discriminate based on your religious beliefs against LGBT is coming, because you can't be American unless you piss on someone else. #MAGA

Neo-Nazis

 * 1) Trump White House Official finally admits it. The only reason they are calling everything "fake news" is because most news stories do not present the dear leader in a flattering light
 * 2) When "Nazi collaborator" stops being a euphemism for White House advisors
 * 3) Oh, hey. Just a reminder that Trump is still closely surrounded by virulent white nationalists. That's all
 * 4) Kelly did you just tweet that you love a white nationalist? Kelly:"I don't know who had access to my account"
 * 5) For some reason, it wasn't a big deal in 2008 when Obama told his buddies in Iran to hold off on signing a nuclear weapons deal until he was in office
 * 6) Assistant Dumbest Man on the Internet Lucian B. Wintrich granted White House press credentials
 * 7) Guy who arranged the Deploraball is now a White House correspondent
 * 8) Reporter: "Mr. President, what is your take on the increase in antisemitism worldwide?" Trump: "We won with 306 electoral college votes. And my daughter has Jew friends"
 * 9) "Immigration is God's punishment for evolution in schools, gay rights, and legal abortion." Direct quote from Carl Gallups
 * 10) Trump removes white supremacist groups from terror watch program, which will now only focus on Islamic groups
 * 11) Good news: Controversial protest at UC Berkeley succeeds. Bad news: At driving pre-sales of Milo Yiannopoulos's new book through the roof
 * 12) Why creepy Addams Family reject Stephen Miller should worry the hell out of non-fascist Americans
 * 13) Rising star in the Trump administration has carried a reputation for being an asshole since high school. Spent his years at Duke interning for Sessions while writing racist and sexist position papers. Christ, what an asshole
 * 14) Key Trump aide Stephen Miller follows David Duke on Twitter. Bonus: And "likes" Duke's tweets. Double failtastic cross-burny bonus: As recently as Tuesday
 * 15) In case you were wondering if the President of the United States actually asked a black person today to set up meetings with other black people by virtue of their blackness, the answer is
 * 16) Congressional Black Caucus discovers Trump's a weirdo
 * 17) "Not all black people in DC know each other"
 * 18) A meeting between lawmakers and the acting director of ICE took an interesting turn when several Hispanic Democrats were "asked" to leave. It's almost as if certain people don't want them to know what's going on
 * 19) Here comes the "Deportation Force". Perhaps we could concentrate those rounded up into camps of some kind
 * 20) Trump administration denies the leak that they are mobilizing 100,000 National Guard troops to round up unauthorized immigrants so if you're an illegal immigrant or in the National Guard time to pack your go bag
 * 21) Trump administration denies that it considered calling up National Guard troops to aid in deportations, so obviously here is the 12 page memo written by DHS Secretary Kelly suggesting it (PDF)
 * 22) The undocumented immigrants rounded up by ICE recently include very few blind-orphan single moms working three jobs while learning astrophysics, and rather a lot of rapists, drug dealers and drunk drivers
 * 23) Just in case your faith in humanity hasn't been completely destroyed, there are now people pretending to be ICE agents in order to extort money from immigrants
 * 24) Trump declares the immigration roundup efforts a "military operation". No word if it comes with new, matching uniforms for ICE officials
 * 25) In an effort to show they're not being racist, ICE is now raiding Asian restaurants in Mississippi. German, Hungarian, and Italian restaurants seen closing early
 * 26) Trump and his supporters, winning the war on women awaiting brain surgery
 * 27) Homeland Security chief John Kelly wonders why the press brings up questions about military force being used in immigration operations. This might be a crazy thought, but maybe they keep asking because the President of the U.S. said exactly that
 * 28) Subby decides to go for the throat on the Politics tab green-fest. "Sanctuary cities are racist"
 * 29) There...is...another...Bannon
 * 30) Milo Yiannopoulous booked by CPAC just as new video of him encouraging pedophilia surfaces
 * 31) Milo may be out of a jobo at Breitbarto
 * 32) People who spend their days writing about how Muslims should be exterminated and women are filthy communist whores have decided that kinda sorta defending pedophilia is a bridge too far
 * 33) Breitbart's editor-in-chief Alex Marlow calls Milo Yiannopoulos' comments "totally indefensible." He then proceeds to defend them
 * 34) Don't rejoice prematurely: Yolo Minneapolis isn't going away
 * 35) Milo's secret is that he's one of the most boring people on the planet
 * 36) Milo Fanbois are starting to realize that they are just pawns in the game of life. Racist, Nazi, bigoted, subhuman pawns
 * 37) Trump fires "uppity" aid to HUD secretary
 * 38) Rick Santorum froths angrily when it's suggested that a rise in anti-Semitism has anything to do with President Trump's relative silence on the matter
 * 39) Director of Anne Frank Center responds to Trump administration's demand for praise after they finally acknowledged anti-Semitism maybe might be real: "What universe are these people living in?"
 * 40) Mike Pence promises to keep "our promises" with Jews, likely by allowing more neo-Nazis into the White House
 * 41) Trump: Not anti-semitic but #1 with anti-semites
 * 42) VP Pence wants the Jewish people to know that America will stand firmly with them and their country, Nicaragua
 * 43) Multiple bomb threats to JCCs and other Jewish-based centers across America force Donald Trump to come out and say "Subtler, you guys"
 * 44) Trump has turned the GOP into the party of enics, bigly. Really eugenics
 * 45) Logic 101: If pro-diversity is anti-Trump, then pro-Trump is anti-diversity
 * 46) Old and busted: I have black friends so I can't be racist. New hotness: Jared and Ivanka are Jews so Trump can't be Antisemitic
 * 47) International political scholar and Alt-Right luminary Jenna Jameson declares Sweden the "rape capitol of the world"
 * 48) Let's ask Santorum about the who is to blame for the rise of Anti-Semitism. Hint, the man was a secret Muslim
 * 49) Trump sends top envoys to Mexico on a "Fence Mending " mission
 * 50) CPAC Kicks out Richard Spencer, not because of his white supremacy views, or his glorification of fascism, but because he allowed himself to become an anti-conservative meme
 * 51) President Bannon rails against the Je--- err.... "globalist"-controlled media
 * 52) Evil drunken troll says Trump's war on media will only get worse and it's all their fault because they should accept Trump's insane agenda that he thought up just last week while tweeting how Rosie O'Donnell is fat
 * 53) The orange jumpsuit industry poised for growth again
 * 54) Trump advisor, forgetting that the First Amendment hasn't been repealed yet, threatens legal action against a man tweeting criticism of Trump
 * 55) Just a reminder that neither Trump, or even Steve Bannon holds the title of "most unhinged conservative leader" That "honor" belongs to NRA chief Wayne LaPierre as his one-man performance of "Dr Strangelove" at CPAC just reminded us
 * 56) I do not intend to mock, make light of, show hatred for, belittle, disparage, or imply that transgender people are defective. Disclaimer done, let's watch about 1000 words doing all those things accidentally fall out of my keyboard
 * 57) "But if Trump is able to get the money from Congress to hire the 10,000 additional immigration cops and 5,000 more border agents he wants, I think you'll be able to say something else about his policy: It will be economic suicide"
 * 58) Ex-Neo Nazi: Don't ignore white supremacists. When they talk about the "liberal media" what they really mean is the "Jewish media"
 * 59) Secretary of Education Bel Biv DeVos says "separate but equal" was actually just a great prototype for school choice
 * 60) In response to her idiocy, Betsy DeVos stated "I meant that black people had to build their own schools because the old ones were destroyed in the war of 1812 when the Egyptians battled the Romans over how much tea Vikings threw in the harbor
 * 61) AG Sessions: Better to imprison the innocent than let the guilty go free
 * 62) Trump at a gathering of state Attorneys General: "Maybe these Jewish center threats are being made by Democrats to make us look bad". THIS is why you shouldn't listen to InfoWars

Secrecy

 * 1) Trump has inspired encryption on most cell phones in DC