Drumpfster Fire Agencies/Archive/2017/March 2017

This is an archive of Drumpfster Fire Agencies Fark threads for the month of March, 2017
Click this link for the current month, or here for the rest of the archive.

Cabinet, Secretaries, Assorted Agencies and Department Heads

General

1. It's Monday, so you know what that means: Trump's own agencies have told him that he's wrong about his weekend conspiracy rant, but he doesn't care and still believes his own derp
2. "Although the law provides a great deal of leeway for political speech, that protection is not all encompassing. And because of the way Trump has leveled unsubstantiated accusations at Obama, he may have libeled his predecessor"

Nominees

1. New Guy, Labor Nominee
2. Palin, Ambassador to Canada Nominee Threat
3. Verma, Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) administrator Nominee
4. Carson for HUD
   1. Senate confirms Ben Carson as secretary of HUD. Current plans are to inform him when he wakes up
5. Perry for Energy
   1. Rick Perry officially confirmed as Secretary of... uh... Secretary of... wait I had something for this
6. Ross for Commerce
   1. Trump's choice for Commerce Secretary holds a top post with a mysterious, Russian-controlled Cyprus bank
7. Dr. Scott Gottleib'
   'director, Food and Drug Administration
   1. Well, it's not like he nominated Martin Shkreli to head the FDA or anything
8. George Conway
   director, Department of Justice, Civil Division
   1. Kellyanne's husband picked to lead the civil division of the DOJ. Fun fact that certainly won't come back to haunt him? He was part of the legal team for Paula Jones that established you can sue sitting U.S. presidents
9. Alexander Acosta for Labor
   1. Trump's new pick for labor secretary made court deals with convicted pedophile Jeffrey Epstein
10. Jay Clayton for Chairman, SEC
    Securities and Exchange Commission
    1. Hold onto your pensions: The Jeff Sessions DoJ is doing everything it can to enable white-collar crime
11. Dr. Heather Wilson
    Secretary of the Air Force
    1. ^(3/30/2017) Trump's AF Sec. Nom kept dodging Senator questions about consulting work she did for Sandia National labs which they're curious about since the company refunded $443K of the $464K they were paid after the GAO couldn't find any work they'd done 

Department of Homeland Security

1. Remember the memo from Homeland Security that said country of origin is an unreliable indicator of terrorist threat to US so Muslim ban unlikely to work? Well, they still think it's crap, and said most US based terrorists are radicalized while in US
   1. Internal Trump administration data undercuts travel ban. Or, in other words, the Emperor has no clothes
2. Have flood insurance? Congratulations, you're now paying for the border wall
3. Homeland Security publishes list of 118 terrorist occupied cities. Bombing begins in five minutes

Director of the Department of Homeland Security

1. Headline: "DHS head: Trump has 'convincing' wiretap proof". Story: DHS head, who apparently was in a coma for the last year, says that since Trump made that claim, he MUST have some pretty good evidence; he wouldn't just make something like that up
2. Illegal border crossings decrease by 40% in February as Mexico learns what it's like to share a border with a third-world hellhole

ICE

Immigration and Customs Enforcement

1. ICE is now arresting any illegal immigrant who speaks in public as part of a "targeted immigration enforcement action"
2. Today ICE's crack goon squad made America safer by arresting a man who has lived in this country for more than 20 years, while he was taking his daughter to school, because he had a ten-year old DUI and a busted registration sticker 20 years ago
3. ^(3/23/2017) Trump voter shocked her not-legal immigrant husband will be deported tomorrow, despite being one of the "good" ones and owner of the popular Eddie's Steak Shed restaurant 
4. ^(3/29/2017) Auschwitz survivor tells US immigration officials that history is 'not on their side.' So ya know, we've got that going for us the man's name is Bernard Marks

Customs and Border Protection

1. Why not a hundred foot high wall made from gold and diamonds that can't be seen by those who are unfit for their positions, stupid, or incompetent?
2. Trump finds another way to improve health care in Michigan

Secret Service

1. They'll be no shortage of Donald Trumps in the coming decades. Secret service in trouble for taking selfies with 8 year-old Donald Trump III. Trump III says Obama caused him to poopie his pants. They grow up so fast
2. Secret Service laptop containing the floor plans to Trump Tower and info about the Clinton email investigation stolen
3. Fox News host suggested that the Secret Service should kill Snoop Dogg and Bow Wow after Snoop recently made a music video in which he points a gun at a clown version of President Trump, because that's what you do in a Democracy
4. Step 1: Steal car. Step 2: Drive to White House. Step 3: Declare there is a bomb in your car at a Secret Service checkpoint. Step 4: Get featured on Fark
5. Secret Service needs an additional 5,424,954 Meals on Wheels to protect President Trump's family and private home
6. ^(3/28/2017) SS has spent $16,000 renting golf carts from Trump 

Department of Defense

Pentagon

1. Mideast surge has Pentagon concerned with 'mission creep' resulting from orders from 'commander creep'

U.S. Navy

1. Trump's bold, grand plan for the US Navy lacks one key element: Funding to pay for the skilled workers needed to build said fleet. Also, the skilled workers are nowhere to be found

Secretary of Defense

1. Defense Secretary Mad Dog is willing to punch Bannon, Priebus and Kushner in the face to get the staff he wants at DoD
2. Democrats are suddenly concerned about the price of Presidential trips
3. Trump to send 1000 troops to Syria because you can't win wars if you don't fight them
4. Trump's Secretary of a good offense: Climate change is real. It's happening now and we need to take it seriously. Trump's future reply: Well kiss my grits
5. Republicans upset with Sec Def Mattis because he is proving too responsible and independent with his appointment, refusing to appoint political operatives or to push for an increase to the defense budget as they are demanding
6. ^(3/31/2017) So Trump has ordered Mattis to start a war with North Korea to distract us from his ties with Russia 

Department of Veterans Affairs

1. White House: All VA Hospitals directed to put up portraits of cheetos
2. Trump claims he is holding a big meeting on how to overhaul the VA at Mar-a-Lago because it was "the most convenient place" and "everybody wanted to go there". Also, Donald? Stop trying to make "The Southern White House" happen. It's embarrassing
   1. This weekend, you paid Trump the approximate cost of 500,000 Meals on Wheels for a "Veterans Affairs meeting" in Mar-a-Lago. Only it seems he forgot to bring the VA secretary. Or even to schedule the meeting
3. Dissident Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) officials created a digital "Forum of Hate" where they referred to one of their supervisors as the G-Pot. G, as in status obsessed rapper and Pot for hippopotamus

Department of Justice

1. Jefferson Beauregard Sessions dismisses Justice Dept reports on Chicago and Ferguson police as "anecdotal". Or so he heard; he admits he didn't actually read them
2. FBI Director Comey asks Justice Department to publicly call BS on Trump's wiretapping claim
3. AG Sessions: "Khorosho, ya sdelayu vse, chto vozmozhno, chtoby vosstanovit' nezavisimost' i professionalizm Ministerstva yustitsii"
4. Friday massacre, as Trump abruptly orders 46 Obama era prosecutors to resign, including the US Attorney in Manhattan who handles public corruption cases
5. The purge continues: On a Friday afternoon, Sessions asks for resignation of 46 U.S. attorneys
6. House Intelligence Committee requests that Trump FW:FW:FW:FW:FW: over his evidence of wiretapping by Monday
   1. House Intelligence Committee set today as the deadline for Trump to provide evidence he was the victim of an Obama "wiretapp." Will Trump follow through? What will happen if he fails to provide the evidence? Either way, things will get crazy today
      1. Trump 'doesn't really think' Obama personally tapped his phone. Last five words completely unnecessary
7. Ol' Jeff Sessions gonna find it tougher than wrestlin' a greased polecat to keep all his high falutin' promises about fighting crime if Mars Trump continues being stingier than a Baptist preacher in a liquor store wit dat Justice Dept budget money
8. Obviously, the reason no one can find any evidence that Obama ordered Trump wiretapped is because he asked James Bond to do it
   1. White House officially downgrades its apology to "an explanation"
   2. No longer even trying to hide it
      1. Deputy Director of the NSA calls Trump's UK spying allegations "just crazy", "arrant nonsense". Then insinuates Trump is ignorant and stupid. Why yes, he is retiring shortly
9. Donald Trump just became Hillary Clinton's email ally
10. Remember when Bill Clinton asked for the resignations of all US attorneys DURING the transition:? Pepperidge farms remembers
11. For SOME reason the US government isn't responding to Ukraine's requests to interview Paul Manafort in connection to a corruption investigation. Gee, I wonder why that is
    1. Trump allies Roger Stone and Paul Manafort both wanted for questioning in Russia investigations
12. Hold onto your pensions: The Jeff Sessions DoJ is doing everything it can to enable white-collar crime
13. ^(3/23/2017) Rep Duncan Hunter (R-abbit) attempts to address ethics violations by distracting everyone with a bunny. Admit it, you would fall for the bunny distraction 
14. ^(3/28/2017) What's this? Oh nothing, just a letter from the Justice Department trying to use the presidential communication privilege to block former Attorney General Sally Yates from testifying before the House Intelligence Committee about Trump-Russia ties 
    1. ^(3/28/2017) Spicer says it's 100% false that the White House tried to stop Yates from testifying, which means they TOTALLY tried to do that 
15. ^(3/31/2017) Sessions and the Department of Justice want Colorado to prosecute THC offenses 

Civil Rights Division

1. ^(3/31/2017) Voter intimidation against white people is about to become a major focus for Jefferson Beauregard Sessions' Department of Justice 

Attorney General

1. Jefferson Beauregard Sessions dismisses Justice Dept reports on Chicago and Ferguson police as "anecdotal". Or so he heard; he admits he didn't actually read them
2. Which is more frightening, the possibility that Sessions used Bannon and Miller to become Attorney General, or the possibility that Bannon and Miller used Attorney General Sessions to become co-Presidents?
3. Jeff Sessions plans on pooping on everyone's party
4. Confederate States of America signs non-aggression pact with Russia
   1. Dems to Sessions: GTFO
   2. And.... Here.... We... Go
   3. Jeff Sessions calls for own removal from office
   4. What exactly did Jeff Sessions say to the Russian ambassador and when did he know it?
      1. And now we have a running list of people demanding Jefferson Beauregard Sessions resign and leave the Confederacy in disgrace after it was revealed he spoke with Russia illegally
   5. Foxnews: Full Power to Deflector Shields
   6. Sessions was not technically asked if anyone in the Trump campaign talked with the Russians, only what he would do if they had. Therefore it was not perjury when he said no one had communicated with them
5. Well that didn't take long, Trump administration goes from defending Sessions as a victim of a partisan witch hunt to "hey, we didn't know he met with Russians until we turned on the TV this morning". Oh, Beauregard, we hardly knew ye
6. AG Sessions to hold press conference at 4pm Eastern, presumably to tell us that he did not have relations with that country. Or that he did. Either way, grab the popcorn, and here we go, again
7. And Jeff recuses
8. Trump has "total confidence" in Jeff Sessions. Sorry, Jeff
9. A timeline of Jeff Sessions' relationship with the Trump campaign and his own conversations with Russian officials
10. Hey, guess who was all hawkish about the Russian threat until he got himself stitched into the Trump human centipede and started perjuring up a storm?
11. Good thing Trump's campaign funds didn't pay for Sessions's visit with Rus--oh
12. Sorry Dems, the whole Jeff Sessions gig you've got going is nothing but fake news
13. And here it is. The stupidest thing you will read all day
14. Adam Schiff says that Session' explanations for his meetings with the Russian ambassador "make no sense"; tells Jack McCoy to have detectives Briscoe and Green bring him in and go over his statements again
15. Sen. Franken: Lies, and the perjured Jeff Sessions who tells them
16. Sessions: I never met with the Russians. Okay, I met with the Russian ambassador twice. Did I say twice? Sorry, I meant three times. My bad
17. AG Sessions: "Khorosho, ya sdelayu vse, chto vozmozhno, chtoby vosstanovit' nezavisimost' i professionalizm Ministerstva yustitsii"
18. In what is surely pure coincidence, AG Sessions has followed up last week's memo rescinding the federal policy ending the use of private for-profit prisons, with one suggesting he wants prosecutors to again seek maximum sentences for drug offenses
19. The purge continues: On a Friday afternoon, Sessions asks for resignation of 46 U.S. attorneys
20. U.S. Attorney Bharara to President Trump: "I won't resign. I want your Keebler Elf to fire me" UPDATE: Elf obliged
    1. Elijah Cummings says there might be a connection between Bharara's firing and the ongoing Trump investigation. Time to bust out the "well duh" images
    2. Fired U.S. Attorney for New York Preet Bharara sends out a Tweet that STRONGLY suggests that he was investigating Trump when he was fired
       1. NY AG goes after Trump for the Preet-sacking
    3. There are indications that Jeff Sessions did not know his own attorneys were about to be fired
    4. Gov. Chris Christie victim blames all the recently fired U.S. attorneys. "They received notice that they were leaving office. That notice was given to them by the people of the country on November 8, when they elected a Republican president"
    5. Trump's prosecutorial purge will harm the GOP in the long run
    6. Just in time for your Friday news dump- US Attorney Preet Bharara was actively investigating HHS Director Tom Price when fired
21. Ol' Jeff Sessions gonna find it tougher than wrestlin' a greased polecat to keep all his high falutin' promises about fighting crime if Mars Trump continues being stingier than a Baptist preacher in a liquor store wit dat Justice Dept budget money
22. AG Jeff Sessions: "We have too much tolerance for marijuana use. We need to say, as Nancy Reagan said, 'Just say no.'" He then knocked back three fingers of bourbon and took a long, satisfying drag from an unfiltered Camel
23. “Memorandum for all Federal Prosecutors”
    1. Hold onto your pensions: The Jeff Sessions DoJ is doing everything it can to enable white-collar crime
24. ^(3/28/2017) Jeff Sessions: 'States' rights means states have the right to do what I tell them to do, or else. Got it? Good. Now get outta here.' 
25. ^(3/29/2017) Jeff Sessions has perjured himself and needs to be disbarred, according to complaint lodged by: a) 2 stoners; b) 30 Helens; or c) 2,000 lawyers from across the country Lawyers for Good Government asks Session be disbarred from the Alabama State Bar for violating professional conduct standards during his Senate confirmation hearing{{}}
26. ^(3/31/2017) Sessions and the Department of Justice want Colorado to prosecute THC offenses 

FBI

Federal Bureau of Investigation

1. FBI and NSA called to testify on Trump-Russia investigation. CIA was going to be called, but thanks to Wikileaks, Congress already knows what CIA was going to say anyway
2. FBI continues investigating the "odd" cyber link between a Russian bank and Trump's corporate holdings
3. The FBI is fully cooperating with the Russia investigation
4. Internal Trump administration data undercuts travel ban. Or, in other words, the Emperor has no clothes
5. For SOME reason the US government isn't responding to Ukraine's requests to interview Paul Manafort in connection to a corruption investigation. Gee, I wonder why that is
   1. Trump allies Roger Stone and Paul Manafort both wanted for questioning in Russia investigations
6. So, it turns out the FBI really DID have a wiretap at Trump Tower to spy on Russians, but it was from 2011-2013, and its target was the Russian mobsters running a massive money laundering operation out of their apartment there
   1. Whether it's residents in his Trump-branded buildings, or his business associates or investors in his projects, Trump is tied up with not just Russians, but in many cases Russians tied to the criminal underworld and money laundering
7. FBI-led Russia-Trump Investigation
   1. "FBI investigation...could hamper [Trump's political agenda for months, if not years, to come." HA. Years?]
   2. The FBI Russia probe will also investigate the Western wing of Russia's propaganda machine, Breitbart and Infowars
   3. The internet is forever, and things you post can come back to haunt you later. Isn't that right, Mrs. Kellyanne "Ha, ha, you're being investigated by the FBI" Conway?
   4. "The FBI probe into Trump and Russia is huge news. Our political system isn't ready for it"
8. Just how, exactly, does an FBI counterintelligence investigation into a sitting President and his cronies work? I'm glad you asked
9. The FBI is struggling to hire hackers because they're all weed smokers
10. ^(3/23/2017) Devin Nunes may be trying to save his own ass 
    1. ^(3/23/2017) House intel committee head apologizes for his actions yesterday, saying, "Was that wrong? Should I have not done that?" 
    2. ^(3/24/2017) Devin Nunes tries to justify his betrayal of principles and duty by stating he had an "obligation" to run and tell Trump he was f*cked 
    3. ^(3/24/2017) Rep. Nunes realizes he's farked one way or the other, backs off his claims. If you remember they were "yes, Donald Trump was wiretapped." "No, Donald Trump wasn't wiretapped" and "Maaaaaaybe?? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯" Tune in to find out which excuse won 
    4. ^(3/24/2017) For no apparent reason, the Republican Intelligence Committee Chair decided to cancel the public hearing on the panels investigation of Trump and possible collusion with Russia 
    5. ^(3/23/2017) Kayleigh McEnany tried to say her fellow CNN panelists didn't support the Fourth Amendment. She was quickly humiliated, as is tradition 
11. ^(3/23/2017) George W. Bush's ethics lawyer says FBI is "uncovering evidence of treason" by far right US news websites over their links with Russia. In other news, Bush had an ethics lawyer. Who knew? 
12. ^(3/24/2017) Cummings and Chaffetz request Michael Flynn documents from White Hous-Oh shucks, seems they all fell into one of the several fireplaces in the White House. Wet floors will do that, ya know 
13. ^(3/24/2017) Hey, remember Rudy Giuliani? His comments about Russia hacks and whatnot? Whatever happened to him? 
14. ^(3/25/2017) CNN analyst says the FBI has flipped Michael Flynn in a deal to implicate others in the Trump administration for colluding with Russia 
15. ^(3/29/2017) Why the FBI cannot expose the Trump/Russian collusion 
16. ^(3/29/2017) A news artifact from the Before Times when using one's elected office to personally enrich yourself was considered a crime: The FBI reveals that one of Rep. Aaron Schock's own staffers was their informant and he recorded conversations with Schock 
17. ^(3/30/2017) Flynn offers to testify in exchange for Immunity, Jeff Bridges giving him back that arcade 
    1. ^(3/31/2017) Trump praises Mike Flynn for seeking immunity after watching Fox & Friends. I guess the segment didn't tell Trump who Flynn will be testifying against 
       1. ^(3/31/2017) Jayson Chaffetz has rare moment of clarity, points out that Donnie needs to STFU about Flynn's request for immunity. Things to return to normal in Jason's head in 3, 2, 1 
       2. ^(3/31/2017) How to make Trump rage-quit an exec order signing ceremony. Step 1: have CBS' Major Garrett ask a question about Michael Flynn (skip video to 42:30) 
    2. ^(3/31/2017) Senate Intelligence Committee to Mike Flynn: NO IMMUNITY FOR YOU 

Director of the FBI

1. Democrats are finally realizing that Comey knows quite a bit more about Russia and Trump than he's letting on
2. FBI Director Comey asks Justice Department to publicly call BS on Trump's wiretapping claim
3. FBI Director Comey doesn't want to stay under the bus OR fall on his sword for Trump
4. Trump hasn't even bothered to ask his FBI director to verify his Obama wiretap claims. Smartest president ever, don'cha know, just bigly yuuugely smart I'm telling yaz
5. Comey: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Privacy? What the hell is that?
6. James Comey to officially reveal if FBI is investigating Trump's ties to Russia during presidential election
7. And today Comey throws Trump under the bus
   1. Will Comey reveal that Trump is a puppet? Will the pee tape come to light? Will Trump demand Comey's head after the hearing? THIS is your House Intelligence Committee Hearing on Russia-gate thread (hearing starts at 10 AM EDT on C-SPAN)
      1. Comey confirms the FBI is investigating Trump team for Russia connections they can sweep under the rug
      2. James Comey answers the least suspenseful question in recorded history
         1. Pro tip: Wait until the hearing is over before you mischaracterize someone's congressional testimony, Mr. President, or you run the risk of being corrected in real-time
      3. Rep Trey Gowdy attempts a high profile "But what about..." during the Comey hearing, but doesn't quite stick the landing
      4. Pretty much, the only way today could have gone worse for Trump is if PornHub added a "presidential watersports" category to their search engine or Melania was revealed as a victim of "the Fappening 2.0"
      5. White House continues to defend wiretapping claim despite today's contrary statements from "so-called FBI Director" Comey
   2. Monday's hearing "debunked" Trump's wiretapping tweets, but left his underlying claim intact: that there was surveillance of the Trump campaign; that the results were shared throughout the government - even possibly reaching the Obama White House
   3. Former Nixon White House Counsel John Dean: The actions of the Trump White House in response to the Russia story seem AWFULLY familiar to me...wait, don't tell me, it'll come to me any second
8. One thing we know for sure, is James Comey does not discriminate along party lines when he does his discriminating
9. ^(3/24/2017) Carter, Stone, and Page all offer to testify. Oh and Comey showed up the the WH just now and no one knows why 
10. ^(3/29/2017) Comey tried to warn us 
11. ^(3/30/2017) Comey: I'm fine with the fact that I handed the White House to a Russian puppet. I mean, what's the worst that can happen? 
12. ^(3/30/2017) Gizmodo reporter discovers James Comey's shadow Twitter account 
13. ^(3/31/2017) James Comey after a reporter found his private Twitter and Instagram accounts: "Actually, I'm not even mad. That's amazing." He also linked to the job bank at the FBI 

Department of Education

1. House okays using taxpayer money for Islamic schools

Secretary of Education

1. Trump, Devos, Rick Scott visiting Orlando Catholic school to: A) push school choice; B) start drive to end free public schools; or C) perform Three Stooges short
2. Congress votes to repeal rules that would hold school systems accountable for student performance, because that would REALLY fark up Betsy Devos' plan to outsource the public school system to Bob's Bait Shop and Institute of Jesusological studies
3. ^(3/29/2017) Betsy DeVos celebrates Women's History Month by encouraging girls to do STEM research, which she assumes is about gardening 
4. ^(3/29/2017) White House hosts Bribe Your Way to Success™ Women's Empowerment Panel with Pam Bondi and Betsy DeVos 
   1. ^(3/29/2017) 'Have you heard of Susan B. Anthony? I'm shocked': Trump stuns women at empowerment event 
5. ^(3/30/2017) Betsy DeVos: School choice is like deciding whether or not to use Uber, Lyft, or a taxi when most people can barely afford to take the bus 

Treasury Department

1. ^(3/23/2017) US Treasury Department added to the list of government agencies now looking into the financial history of former Trump junior assistant mail clerk Paul Manafort 

Treasury Secretary

1. Oh, look, Steven Mnuchin just wrote the letter begging Congress to raise the debt ceiling so America doesn't default. Let's see if Republicans are still as opposed to it as they were when Obama was president
2. ^(3/24/2017) Ladies and Gentleman our Treasury Secretary: "Well, I'm not allowed to promote anything that I'm involved in, but you should send all your kids to 'Lego Batman' " - which he produced 
   1. ^(3/31/2017) Treasury Secretary Mnuchin very sorry you misconstrued "you should all send your kids to Lego Batman" as a product endorsement as obviously that was not his intention 
3. ^(3/27/2017) Treasury secretary says that it will be 50-100 years before automation affects jobs. Still figuring out how these new-fangled "horseless carriages" work 
4. ^(3/29/2017) Republican senators decide to review the whole "too big to fail" process 

EPA

Environmental Protection Agency

1. Trumps plans on slashing the EPA budget for Great Lakes pollution cleanup by 97% because who needs to keep largest supply of liquid fresh water on the planet clean
2. EPA Office of Science and Technology Policy deletes "science" from its science mission statement, replaces it with "technologically achievable"
3. Trump's EPA looking to kill the law that led to unleaded gasoline and catalytic converters
4. EPA head: Meh, what's a little chemical spill between friends?
5. It appears that someone is blowing smoke up the White House's arse with some crazy theory about smog
6. ^(3/27/2017) Trump unable to ruin health care so he turns his efforts to ruining the environment 
7. ^(3/28/2017) And now Conservatives are challenging climate change denier and walking environmental disaster Scott Pruitt as they realize we really need this planet 
8. ^(3/30/2017) Republicans vote to disallow the EPA to rely on science 

Director of the EPA

1. If there are any Trump cabinet members who DIDN'T lie under oath during their confirmation hearings, please stand up. Not so fast there, Scott Pruitt
2. EPA chief Scott Pruitt says carbon dioxide is not a primary contributor to global warming. That is all
3. Scott Pruitt, new head of the EPA, just comes right out and says what we all know he believes: climate change is not happening and if it were it is most definitely not being caused by people
4. Science. Huh. Good God, y'all. What is it good for? Absolutely nothin'. Love, Scott Pruitt
5. EPA head: Meh, what's a little chemical spill between friends?
6. Thank God Hillary didn't win so we don't have any email scandals to deal with
7. ^(3/28/2017) And now Conservatives are challenging climate change denier and walking environmental disaster Scott Pruitt as they realize we really need this planet 
8. ^(3/28/2017) Coal-powered energy plant to Trump: Screw you, we're still going with clean energy 

GAO

Government Accountability Office

1. ^(3/28/2017) GAO 2 ✔ $$ 4 POTUS 🏰 ✈🌴 & ⛳ trips 
   1. ^(3/29/2017) Government Accountability Office decides that maybe it should look into this whole "Mar A Lago" thing. At least until Trump declares them enemy combatants 

Housing and Urban Development

1. Community Development Block Grant program
   1. If you invested heavily in cat food futures after the election, your payoff is on its way
      1. GOP to Trump: No, you can't shut down Meals on Wheels
      2. Since the White House argued that Meals on Wheels is going to be cut because it has not shown any results, I'm sure you'll be shocked to hear that there is actual research that proves otherwise
      3. Donations to Meals on Wheels surge after announcement of funding cuts. See? The system works

Secretary of HUD

1. Ben Carson: Slaves were immigrants who dreamed of a better life
   1. There weren't any MFing immigrants on the MFing slave ships
   2. For a renowned surgeon, Ben Carson sure can't surgically remove that foot from his mouth
   3. Guess who else called slaves immigrants... Oh how the outrage was

Interior Department

Secretary of the Interior

1. When the nation's new Secretary of the Interior hails from Montana, you know he's going to arrive for his first day of work on a horse
2. Last minute Obama lead ammo ban lasts roughly one minute
3. ^(3/29/2017) "The Rio Grande, what side of the river are you going to put the wall? We're not going to put it on our side and cede the river to Mexico." -current Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke 

National Parks Service

1. National Park Service releases hundreds of ground and arial photographs of President Trump's inauguration and yup, looks like we can expect an incoming tweet storm

IRS

Internal Revenue Service

1. IRS budget cuts mean there are not enough agents for tax audits. America is great again
2. The IRS granted 'After School Satan Club' tax-exempt status in 10 days, while non-profit conservative groups had to wait years (and some are still waiting)

Commerce Department

NOAA

National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration

1. NOAA to be gutted under Trump. Because who needs accurate weather forecasts, hurricane warnings, and current information on lightning strikes
2. Trump tweets snowstorm warning from the agency whose budget he's planning to slash

Census Bureau

1. ^(3/29/2017) The Trump administration continues its quest for inclusiveness by excluding LGBTQ people from the 2020 Census 

FCC

Federal Communications Commission

1. Privacy, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing. GOP wants to do away with FCC's entire privacy rulemaking to allow ISPs to sell your entire browsing history to advertisers or other third parties without your consent
2. And there it is, the stupidest comment on net neutrality you've heard all day
3. ^(3/29/2017) Yesterday, Congress killed internet privacy, so let's support a crowdfunding campaign that seeks to purchase and publish the search histories of all U.S. lawmakers responsible for this 
4. ^(3/29/2017) Even the clowns from the Breitbart comments cesspool think the GOP are a bunch of dickbags for overturning Obama's online privacy regulations 

Lifeline

program that provides broadband internet to low income Americans in mostly rural communities

1. ^(3/31/2017) Trump FCC pick pulls plug on ObamaNet 

FCC Chairman

1. ^(3/31/2017) Trump FCC pick pulls plug on ObamaNet 

OMB

Office of Management & Budget

1. Have flood insurance? Congratulations, you're now paying for the border wall
2. Trump White House on CBO report on Trumpcare: unbelievable, fake news. Our own analysis shows that by 2026 twice as many Americans will lose health insurance as the CBO report. So there

Director of the OMB

1. Trump tries, fails to be Presidential. This is not a repeat from every hour of every day for the past 47 days
   1. President Trump (R) in January:"There will be health insurance for everybody. Much less expensive than Obamacare and much better." White House Budget Director Mulvaney (R) in March:"Insurance for ordinary people is not really the end goal"
2. Trump administration makes up an accusation against Obama with zero proof offered. Shockingly, this is not a repeat of the last 20,343 times this has happened
3. Mulvaney: "We can't ask a coal miner to pay for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting." This story brought to you by the letters 'W,' 'T' and 'F'

The Fed

the Federal Reserve

1. The Fed won't release any documents on its relationship with the Reptilians
2. Political control over the Fed is inevitable. Which means the inflationary spiral that the Fed was put in place to prevent is also inevitable

Department of Health and Human Services

1. ^(3/30/2017) Trump's $500m "increase" to counter opioid epidemic is actually part of spending already scheduled by Obama administration, he just claimed it as his own. Ta da the 21st Century Cures Act
2. ^(3/30/2017) Lost in the shuffle today was Vice President Pence casting the 51st vote to strip federal funds from Planned Parenthood. With a chance of the ACA being repealed next week, you ladies are gonna have to learn to just keep your godless legs shut 

Secretary of Health and Human Services

1. GOP wants you to know that Keith Hall is a liberal hack who isn't fit to be CBO director
2. Even Breitbart thinks that Tom Price's comments that "everyone will be covered" under Trumpscare was the lie of the year
3. Tom Price thinks it should be up to states, not the Federal Government, to decide if vaccines are required
4. HHS Sec. Tom Price says that benchmark for healthcare should be care, not insurance coverage. Aight we can all agree on that? Now let's hear how Trump/GOP plans to provide said care... oh laissez-faire mmmkay that worked magnificently the last time
5. Just in time for your Friday news dump- US Attorney Preet Bharara was actively investigating HHS Director Tom Price when fired
6. Tom Price tells CNN that Trump's promise of universal health coverage is right behind the ACA repeal and passage of the Blood God Budget. The specifics are secret. Trust him

Medicaid Administrator

Seema Verma

1. The problem with Medicaid expansion is that it expanded Medicaid says the new director of Medicaid expansively

NIH

National Institutes of Health

1. ^(3/29/2017) Sure, let's MAGA by cutting the NIH. What could possibly go wrong? 

CDC

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

1. ^(3/29/2017) Bird flu is deadly, so President Trump wants to defund the best way to fight it 

NASA

National Aeronautics and Space Administration

1. Trump's NASA budget includes Mars mission and little else. Budget for movie The Martian was bigger

Corporation for Public Broadcasting

1. Reason magazine has never suffered through a PBS telethon
   1. Donald Trump may succeed in accomplishing what Mitt Romney could not do: Taking down Big Bird

Department of Labor

Secretary of Labor

1. ^(3/23/2017) Competent and hard working man in charge of protecting America's nuclear arsenal dives head-first into the job, ensuring that... oh for fark's sake, he's writing editorials about how a gay guy shouldn't be student body president at his old college 

MSHA

Mining Safety and Health Administration

1. ^(3/30/2017) President Trump is bringing back jobs to the coal industry. Unfortunately one of them is mortician 

Department of Transportation

Secretary of Transportation

1. ^(3/23/2017) Please note: when preparing a legal attack, please make sure the target of your lawsuit actually exists tweet from Transportation Secretary's account encourages sitting member of U.S. Congress to sue POTUS' "soul"

FAA

Federal Aviation Administration

1. President Trump wants to privatize the nation's air traffic controllers to save money. What could possibly go wrong?

Department of Agriculture

1. ^(3/29/2017) Bird flu is deadly, so President Trump wants to defund the best way to fight it 

SNAP

Supplimental Nutrition Assistance Program

1. ^(3/31/2017) GOP lawmaker: the Bible says the unemployed shall not eat 

Department of Energy

1. ^(3/29/2017) DoE's climate office bans the phrase "climate change" 
   1. ^(3/29/2017) Thanks to Trump, the nation that puts lead sprinkles on donuts, burns tires for heat, has smog so thick that it's healthier to inhale a filter cigarette than breathe the air, and sells toxic waste as food, is now the global leader for climate change 

Office of International Climate and Clean Energy

1. ^(3/29/2017) DoE's climate office bans the phrase "climate change" 
   1. ^(3/29/2017) Thanks to Trump, the nation that puts lead sprinkles on donuts, burns tires for heat, has smog so thick that it's healthier to inhale a filter cigarette than breathe the air, and sells toxic waste as food, is now the global leader for climate change 

Sandia National Laboratories

1. ^(3/30/2017) Trump's AF Sec. Nom kept dodging Senator questions about consulting work she did for Sandia National labs which they're curious about since the company refunded $443K of the $464K they were paid after the GAO couldn't find any work they'd done 

CIA

1. Newly declassified documents show that it's not just fake news, it's the CIA's news
2. Wikileaks is publishing all of Donald's secrets. Wait, it's only 1000s of CIA documents? That's not the same thing? But he's the President. Damn you Obama
   1. So the CIA stole Russian hacking software to make it look like the Russians were hacking people when it was really the CIA. So was the CIA the real DNC email hacker?
   2. There's only one common theme in the WikiLeaks and Snowden scandal: Russia always stands to gain
   3. Sen. Murphy says what many of us are thinking, Wikileaks timing for releasing this info on the CIA is suspiciously timed, almost as if they were trying to deflect attention from something else, but what could that be?
   4. The real shocker in the WikiLeaks scoop is the demonstration, once again, that the U.S. government can't keep secrets
   5. White House finally responds to growing questions about Wikileaks CIA dump, Trump's wiretap accusation and connections to Russia...by canceling all press events
   6. ^(3/31/2017) CIA disguised hacking code so it looked like it came from other countries, also hid behind 7 proxies Template:Ic
3. Thanks to Trump, the CIA can conduct drone strikes in secret
4. Trump leaked classified CIA intel to Tucker Carlson on live TV: ranking House intel member
5. Foreign government accused of meddling in domestic politics. Why yes this is a repeat from 1951 and the CIA is involved
6. ^(3/23/2017) Trying to deflect attention from Trump's ties to Russia, Wikileaks releases CIA guide to hacking Apple products. Joke's on them as Trump uses an Android phone 

No Such Agency

1. Mathematicians are fleeing the NSA because Trump
2. FBI and NSA called to testify on Trump-Russia investigation. CIA was going to be called, but thanks to Wikileaks, Congress already knows what CIA was going to say anyway

Director of No Such Agency

Admiral Mike Rogers, US Navy

1. Pro tip: Wait until the hearing is over before you mischaracterize someone's congressional testimony, Mr. President, or you run the risk of being corrected in real-time

Deputy Director of No Such Agency

Richard Ledgett

1. Deputy Director of the NSA calls Trump's UK spying allegations "just crazy", "arrant nonsense". Then insinuates Trump is ignorant and stupid. Why yes, he is retiring shortly

National Endowment for the Arts

1. So, if we eliminate funding for the National Endowment for the Arts, what could we use that money for? How about building one mile of the 405 freeway? Wait, make that "not even a mile"

State Department

1. State Department now in hospice care
2. State Department cancels first scheduled press briefing of the month. Oh, I'm sorry, did I say month? I meant "of the Trump administration", because there hasn't been one since Obama's last day in office
3. So, has anyone else noticed that the handicapping of the State Department that President Trump has engaged in, benefits Russia and Putin tremendously?
4. The "Deep State" is just a figment of Steve Bannon's diseased imagination. But that's just what they *want* you to think
5. Tillerson backs out of Keystone Pipeline review, eliminating one of his conflicts of interest, leaving him with only 1,395,025
6. Meh, we didn't need those Afghans who helped U.S. forces despite risk to life and limb anyways
7. Trump plan to cut foreign aid comes just as the threat of famine is surging in various places around the world, fomenting unrest and destabilizing regions the US is trying to stabilize to prevent ISIS from making inroads
8. ^(3/24/2017) Trump lays pipe 
9. ^(3/31/2017) Things you can't look at without something bad happening to you: Cthulthu. Medusa. Rex Tillerson. Yog-Sothoth. Hey, waitaminute 👑

Secretary of State

1. So what happened to all this worry that Tillerson was going to sell off chunks of Ukraine to Russia for some of that sweet sweet oil money? Probably would help if he showed up to work once in awhile
2. Tillerson backs out of Keystone Pipeline review, eliminating one of his conflicts of interest, leaving him with only 1,395,025
3. Rex Tillerson may not be a firm believer in Climate Change, but his intra-company alias Wayne Tracker believed that it was about to get hot enough to pop popcorn on the sidewalk
4. Tillerson is traveling Asia with only one journalist, totally not a right wing hack from the Independent Journal Review, founded by conservatives in 2012. So, expect some enlightening coverage from this genius
5. Tillerson: What if we nuke them? That's new, right?
6. Rex Tillerson's first foreign policy trip went so badly that North Korea is now threatening a nuclear strike
7. Rex Tillerson is cutting meetings short due to fatigue. Who knew that all that winning could be so exhausting?
8. In extremely polite Diplo-speak, China, through its state-run Media is basically saying they made Secretary of State Tillerson and the US their biatches during his visit this weekend
9. Tillerson to skip parent-teacher conference in lieu of hanging out with his best friend during school hours
10. Massachusetts AG tells Exxon to preserve their emails, especially from the alias of Secretary of State Tillerson, in case they need to try the alias for misleading the public about climate change
11. SoS Rex Tillerson: "I didn't want this job. I didn't seek this job. My wife told me I'm supposed to do this." The Best People®, folks
    1. WAPO writer: I criticized Sec State Tillerson for not speaking to press. I was wrong, after reading report by the only reporter allowed to travel with him, I think he should shut the hell up until he demonstrates that he knows what he's taking about
12. Rex Tillerson says the most powerful country on earth is unable to sustain a working State Department
13. Tillerson forced to ask congress to hurry the fark up and ratify NATO confirmation for Montenegro, please
14. ^(3/23/2017) Judge to Exxon: Save those emails of the Sec. of State. Thanks 
15. ^(3/29/2017) NATO Secretary General: Trump's right, you know 
16. ^(3/31/2017) Things you can't look at without something bad happening to you: Cthulthu. Medusa. Rex Tillerson. Yog-Sothoth. Hey, waitaminute 👑
17. ^(3/31/2017) Uh oh. Putin gonna be mad. Sexy Rexy says that sanctions will remain in place against Russia until they return the Crimea to Ukraine. All that work in 2016 for nothing 

Undersecretary of State

Tom Shannon

1. ^(3/24/2017) Trump lays pipe 

UN Ambassador

1. Nikki Haley speaks out, saying that we shouldn't trust anyone involved in helping elect Trump
2. Trump Administration to boycott UN council over anti-Israel agenda, because the best way to stop something you don't like is to prevent yourself from voting to stop it
3. ^(3/27/2017) Trump administration: Nuclear arms control is just too hard, so why even bother? 
4. ^(3/31/2017) Just like our new BFF Russia, U.S. changes its policy that Syrian president Assad must step down 

Ambassador to Russia

1. Putin taps Jon Huntsman as ambassador from US

UN Ambassador for Food and Agriculture

1. Brownback catches last chopper outta Saigon...er....Kansas
2. ^(3/30/2017) Kansas voters: We want Medicaid expansion. Kansas Legislature: Okay, you can have it. Gov. Brownback: No you can't, and it's all Planned Parenthood's fault 🔥

International Envoy

Jason Greenblatt

1. ^(3/31/2017) Trump's international envoy says Mideast peace is possible, Finally, someone in this administration who is even less believable than the President