Drumpfster Fire Misinformation/Archive/2017/March 2017

This is an archive of Drumpfster Fire Misinformation Fark threads for the month of March, 2017
Click this link for the current month, or here for the rest of the archive.

Dear Leader

The Show Is ‘Trump’

And it is sold-out performances everywhere

1. Handed out with a photo of him signing it, Trump doubles down on Muslim ban
2. Trump has 26 million Twitter followers but is only following 43 people and businesses. And most of those businesses are his own
3. Welcome to the post-truth presidency
4. Trump's new strategy is to make up a conspiracy to deflect from the seriousness of the Russia ties. Yeah, we've been over this, CNN; you're late to the party
5. Trump: "We're going to re-build America with American steel." *offer not valid in United States, check local listings for details
6. Trump attempts to deflect the latest revelation involving one of his staffers coordinating with Russia by going on Twitter and making fake claims about the economy
7. Of the three bills and two executive orders President Trumpler signed yesterday, guess which one wasn't given a signing ceremony or photoshoot
8. First rule of free speech: other people don't get any
9. Is Trumpism the new Punk Rock? Short answer: No. Long answer: Faaaaaaaaaaark NO
10. New poll suggests the Democratic Party is less popular than Trump and Pence. Dealer showing 10, DNC seen doubling down
11. Colbert completed Trump's 'say it to my face' challenge
12. Joe Scarborough says he graded Trump on a curve due to his rhetoric, but he gets credit for "not threatening to crush democracy" and seemed "almost normal"
    1. With a coherent speech for once, Donald Trump may have just had his Bar Mitzvah moment
    2. Apparently not having learned their lesson from the past election, Democrats pick the most underwhelming candidate they could find to deliver the Democratic response to Trump. How underwhelming? Even Rachel Maddow panned him as small and stunty
    3. President ME has left the building: Trump references self 60 percent less than Obama in first SOTU address. And remember, this is Donald Trump we are talking about
    4. Factchecking of Trump's speech exceeds expectations by 17%
    5. Of the three bills and two executive orders President Trumpler signed yesterday, guess which one wasn't given a signing ceremony or photoshoot
    6. Trump's first address to congress was watched by three billion people, more than any other American President before him
    7. We now know Trump is no ballerina, he didn't have a one-night "pivot" concerning his State of the Union speech, so just stop picturing him in a tutu
    8. Fox News was the most-watched cable network for Trump's State of The Confederacy speech
    9. "The media's reaction to his speech to Congress was shameful"
13. Hey everyone, looks like everything is running smoothly. Trump's tweets speak for themselves
14. By acting like a paranoid crybaby, Donald Trump has inadvertently destroyed the narrative that Russia hacked our presidential election
15. Trump surprises kids on White House tour because everyone thought he was at Mar-a-Lago again
16. Now that President Trump has figured out this White House gig his approval ratings have started to climb
17. Trump has smashed, destroyed, and otherwise perverted the Presidential Code
18. President Trump nominated for Nobel Peace Prize. He's only been in office a month so the odds are against him, like our president has ever been daunted by the odds
19. Goofy haircut? ✔ Boxy, ill-fitting suits? ✔ Erratic and unstable personality? ✔ Primitive vocabulary? ✔ Hates the country to the south? ✔ Brooks no opposition from underlings? ✔ Thin skin? ✔ Father gave him his career? ✔ Is it Trump or Kim Jong Un?
20. So, has anyone else noticed that the handicapping of the State Department that President Trump has engaged in, benefits Russia and Putin tremendously?
21. White House finally responds to growing questions about Wikileaks CIA dump, Trump's wiretap accusation and connections to Russia...by canceling all press events
22. Keith Olbermann on why Trump is a horrible president: just compare what he said in the joint address to Congress to what he said afterwards
23. Day 50: Trump keeps signing whatever the fark you put in front of him and only using executive power
24. So what is up with Donald Trump and a cemetery or cemeteries in New Jersey?
25. Donald Trump will host China's president at Mar-A-Lago because why not waste more taxpayer dollars
26. Spicer Says: Trump wants the White House Press pool to decide where he donates his salary. I'm pretty sure they all read Fark so let's give them some suggestions
27. NBC Reporter: "Can we trust that what the President says is real?" Bullshiat Spice: "If he's not joking, of course"
28. WTF in Chief Donald Trump warns republicans that by repealing Obamacare they are "putting themselves in a very bad position"
29. Refined Gentleman that he is, President Trump lets it be known via the Twitter machine that he is distempered, nay, downright appalled, at the rudeness and lack of civility the uncouth media is displaying towards his designated liars
30. President Trump: brought to you by the same people who unleashed knock-off fart apps on the world
31. Homophobic pastor Wayne Allyn Root says Donald Trump is "like a wife who makes passionate love to you every day, seven days a week." Even on the Sabbath
32. Headline: "Donald Trump is more normal than you think"
33. LIberals, don't get too comfy up there sipping your lattes on your high chairs, turns out women who supported Trump think he's doing a terrific job, and is keeping all his promises, including, draining the swamp and such
34. Trump's agenda hinges on the fate of Trumpscare
35. Isn't it time we normalize President Trump? If it can even be done
36. Trump's response when Fox News' Tucker Carlson confronts him on the devastating impact repealing Obamacare will have on those who voted for him: "Oh, I know"
37. LA Times says that while Al Gore had an inconvenient truth, Donald Trump has inconvenient realities
38. Cognitive dissonance sadly not covered by the ACA. Thanks, Obama
39. White House: All VA Hospitals directed to put up portraits of cheetos
40. Trump claims he is holding a big meeting on how to overhaul the VA at Mar-a-Lago because it was "the most convenient place" and "everybody wanted to go there". Also, Donald? Stop trying to make "The Southern White House" happen. It's embarrassing
    1. This weekend, you paid Trump the approximate cost of 500,000 Meals on Wheels for a "Veterans Affairs meeting" in Mar-a-Lago. Only it seems he forgot to bring the VA secretary. Or even to schedule the meeting
41. Breitbart wants Trump to go full Andrew Jackson and ignore the courts and their verdicts, because that's what you do in a Democracy
42. Trump treats his staff as horribly as he treats everyone else. Film at 11
43. Trump insults about her on the campaign trail are gonna make his meeting with Angela Merkel more awkward than that Thanksgiving where Uncle Cleetus "came out" and admitted to his turkey fetish
44. Trump voters think it's OK for Trump to commit treason because Hillary would have been worse. So there ya have it kids, out of their own mouths and in their own words: Trumpers support treason
45. ^(3/26/2017) Trump voters, angered and outraged that the Affordable Care Act was not repealed [which is good for them], blame everyone but the actual source of the failure 
    1. ^(3/26/2017) Conservative media agrees: Trump is not to blame for the Trumpscare failure 
46. ^(3/26/2017) Garrison Keillor believes that the children of privilege like Donald Trump missed out on digging in the dirt when young and are now incomplete human beings because of it 
47. ^(3/26/2017) Woman thinks the third time has to be the charm but she is again arrested for scaling the White House fence 
48. ^(3/28/2017) President Donald Trump: "Trump Russia story is a hoax" 
49. ^(3/30/2017) 193 Democrats, 30 Freedom Caucus members. Enough to start impeachment proceedings. Guess who Trump just called out on Twitter 👑
    1. ^(3/30/2017) Freedom Caucus members to Donald Trump: welcome to the swamp, numbnuts 
50. ^(3/31/2017) Trump praises Mike Flynn for seeking immunity after watching Fox & Friends. I guess the segment didn't tell Trump who Flynn will be testifying against 

I Know Words, I Have The Best Words

1. Looks like Trump is right, News coverage of him is really, really negative. Even on Fox News. To be fair, there are only so many positive ways one can cover a turd
2. The bad poetry of Donald Trump
3. Wait until he finds out that the Ku Klux Klan was founded by Democrats
4. ^(3/30/2017) In his daily Twitter rant, Trump threatens to "change libel laws" to go after the New York Times, a move that, even if he COULD do it , would ironically, be unconstitutional according the Supreme Court's ruling in "New York Times V. Sullivan" 
5. ^(3/30/2017) "That was some weird sh*t." -George W. Bush on Trump's inaugural address 

There's Nobody's Bigger Or Better At The Military Than I Am

1. The buck stops at General Votel
2. Thanks to Trump, the CIA can conduct drone strikes in secret
3. Trump to send 1000 troops to Syria because you can't win wars if you don't fight them
4. The U.S. may have just bombed a mosque in Aleppo during evening prayers. Dozens dead
5. Trump's bold, grand plan for the US Navy lacks one key element: Funding to pay for the skilled workers needed to build said fleet. Also, the skilled workers are nowhere to be found
6. Russia's hostile actions may be due to them panicking over our latest nuclear missiles, which for the first time in history make a preemptive nuclear attack possible. It's a good thing we have someone in charge who won't-oh, god, we're all screwed
7. White House: All VA Hospitals directed to put up portraits of cheetos
8. ^(3/30/2017) Trump's AF Sec. Nom kept dodging Senator questions about consulting work she did for Sandia National labs which they're curious about since the company refunded $443K of the $464K they were paid after the GAO couldn't find any work they'd done 

I Like The Fact That You All Voted For Me

1. Military unit that flew a Trump flag during a convoy did so because their commander thought it would be okay because he won the election
2. White House: All VA Hospitals directed to put up portraits of cheetos
3. Trump claims he is holding a big meeting on how to overhaul the VA at Mar-a-Lago because it was "the most convenient place" and "everybody wanted to go there". Also, Donald? Stop trying to make "The Southern White House" happen. It's embarrassing
   1. This weekend, you paid Trump the approximate cost of 500,000 Meals on Wheels for a "Veterans Affairs meeting" in Mar-a-Lago. Only it seems he forgot to bring the VA secretary. Or even to schedule the meeting

I Have A Very Good Brain

My primary consultant is myself

1. Trump Administration to boycott UN council over anti-Israel agenda, because the best way to stop something you don't like is to prevent yourself from voting to stop it
2. Tillerson to skip parent-teacher conference in lieu of hanging out with his best friend during school hours
3. Russian intelligence asset accepts invitation to attend NATO meeting
4. ^(3/26/2017) Trump tried to give Angela Merkel a bill for £300 billion in NATO protection, plus interest. SO TIRED OF WINNING, GUYS 
5. ^(3/29/2017) NATO Secretary General: Trump's right, you know 
6. ^(3/30/2017) "The new American government is placing its emphasis on isolation, import barriers and the one-sided assertion of its own interests. If this strategy was right, then North Korea would be an economically powerful land of plenty" 
7. ^(3/30/2017) Thanks to our Great Negotiator, the President of the EU Executive arm threatens to support Ohio and Austin, Texas' call for independence if Trump keeps supporting EU separatist movements 
8. ^(3/31/2017) Just like our new BFF Russia, U.S. changes its policy that Syrian president Assad must step down 

Make America Great Again

1. POUTS show how he deals with women leaders by refusing to shake Merkel's hand at photo op - or even look at her
   1. Trump makes hilarious wiretap joke with Merkel to which Merkel responded, I don't understand, I was actually wiretapped while you just made it up. So, how is that funny?
2. Breitbart wants Trump to go full Andrew Jackson and ignore the courts and their verdicts, because that's what you do in a Democracy
3. Trump treats his staff as horribly as he treats everyone else. Film at 11
4. Trump insults about her on the campaign trail are gonna make his meeting with Angela Merkel more awkward than that Thanksgiving where Uncle Cleetus "came out" and admitted to his turkey fetish
5. German broadcaster rescues Trump from Handshakegate
6. For SOME reason the US government isn't responding to Ukraine's requests to interview Paul Manafort in connection to a corruption investigation. Gee, I wonder why that is?
7. In today's issue of "Gee, You Don't Say," The Trump White House backs off stock market boasts as Dow, Nasdaq plummet
8. The breakthrough of the 2016 election lies in the fact that the religious right, in its support for a thrice-married, self-confessed sexual predator, finally dispensed with the fiction that it was concerned about abortion or 'family values'
9. ^(3/23/2017) Trump gives incoherent interview to Time magazine and sums up his Presidential critics by saying, I'm President and you're not. He then dropped his pants and projectile defecated all over the room 
10. ^(3/23/2017) Russian backed despot issues terroristic demand to U.S. government 
11. ^(3/24/2017) Donald Trump is taking on The Freedom Caucus. Whoever wins, we lose 👑
12. ^(3/26/2017) Earlier today, Trump went on Twitter to tell his cultish followers to tune in to Fox News and watch Judge Jeanine. Those who did saw her channel her inner Trump and demand Paul Ryan step down as Speaker of the House 
    1. ^(3/26/2017) Priebus: Trump had no idea whatsoever that Judge Pirro was going to say all of those nasty things about Paul Ryan when he urged everyone to watch her show on Saturday 
13. ^(3/26/2017) Trump is 'red hot' with rage over healthcare debacle and determined to make disloyal Republicans pay 
14. ^(3/29/2017) "We don't make mistakes. Go ahead, Ken." "I'm Chuck" 

We Had A Massive Landslide Victory

1. Lots of people showed up for "March 4 Trump" rallies across the country, if you count maybe 150 people total as a lot of people

I Won The Popular Vote

if you deduct the millions of people who voted illegally

1. New poll suggests the Democratic Party is less popular than Trump and Pence. Dealer showing 10, DNC seen doubling down
2. Another day, another GOP survey. You would think that if they wanted to get feedback from voters, they would hold townhalls or something
3. New overnight poll puts Donald Trump's approval rate at 46%. Which is exactly the same percentage who show no concern about health care, the environment, the economy, race relations, labor issues, foreign policy
4. Politics 101 - Even the most loyal supporters get turned off by a politician who orders a $54 steak well done and then puts ketchup on it
5. So it turns out that more people voted in the 1026 Presidential election, than did when President Obama was reelected in 2012
6. Trump has toned down his voter fraud accusations, and for some reason Congressional Republicans appear relieved about it
7. It's almost as if rolling out a total loser of a healthcare plan and a cruel, heartless budget of pure evil, all while maintaining the lie that he was wiretapped by Obama, has affected his approval rating
8. A majority of young people believe Trump's presidency to be illegitimate, that they were simply powerless to stop it because they were so busy shooting their marijuanas on election day
9. Fake news delivers new fake polling numbers for Trump showing only 37% approve of his job performance and a fake 58% of fakers disapprove of his job performance
10. Meanwhile at Rasmussen, the Czar's approval rating remains at 50%
11. ^(3/23/2017) New poll indicates that 60% of Americans find Trump dishonest. The 40% who find him honest are either his family or board of directors 
12. ^(3/27/2017) Another day, another historically awful Trump approval rating poll 
13. ^(3/29/2017) Trump's poll numbers are historically low, but the lemmings who still support him say why stop now - they haven't even reached the cliff yet 
14. ^(3/29/2017) New poll finds 40% of respondents believe Russia interfered with election to help Trump win. In other news, 60% of respondents believe they'll be sent to Siberia if they say 'yes' 
15. ^(3/29/2017) New poll shows deluded Republicans blame the "bad bill" for Trumpscare failure and not Trump 
16. ^(3/29/2017) 74% of Republicans believe Trump Tower was wiretapped during the campaign 
17. ^(3/29/2017) President Trump is better at something than any other other US president before him: being unpopular 
18. ^(3/31/2017) New poll finds one in three voters give Trump a grade of 'F' 

I Think [Putin Has] Done Really A Great Job Of Outsmarting Our Country

1. It's not every day you get to see Russians run away in panic
2. Trump hotel in Azerbaijan was a front for the Iranian Revolutionary Guard
3. Why did Trump reverse his mandate to use U.S. steel in the Keystone XL pipeline? Nobody knows, but a Russian oligarch with close ties to Putin stands to make a bunch of money from it. Fancy that
4. By acting like a paranoid crybaby, Donald Trump has inadvertently destroyed the narrative that Russia hacked our presidential election
5. Russia to Americans: Calm down sweetheart, you're just being hysterical. Your craziness is hurting our relationship
6. Sergey Kislyak
   1. They've placed enough sonar buoys so that a man could walk from Scotland to Iceland to Greenland without getting his feet wet
   2. That time when candidate Trump met with the Russian Ambassador and then lied about it
7. Fmr. NSA analyst: Intel sources say White House 'targeting journalists' with 'help from Russian intel' - Nothing to see here, move along comrade
8. RT
   formerly Russia Today, Russian international television network funded by the Russian government
   1. How Russia weaponizes fake news. And no, it doesn't involve dropping Steve Bannon on you from a MiG-29
9. Sputnik
   a news agency, consisting of websites, radio broadcast service (among others) established by the Russian government-controlled news agency Rossiya Segodnya
   1. How Russia weaponizes fake news. And no, it doesn't involve dropping Steve Bannon on you from a MiG-29
10. Dmitry Rybolovlev
    1. Hey, here's a question: Why has a Russian oligarch known as "The Fertilizer King" been following Trump around the country? Is it for the steady supply of cheap and plentiful bullshiat? Or is it something more sinister...?
       1. Trump claims that he has never met a man who paid him $95 million. Which I totally understand, I've never met a man who'd pay me $95 million either
    2. Russian oligarch who purchased Trump's Palm Beach mansion for way above market price, admits his plane and Trump's shared a tarmac in North Carolina days before the election, but totally did not meet or anything, trust him
11. Russian Spies
    1. Russian spies offer to help tech companies overcome American spies
12. Konstantin Kilimnik
    1. Paul Manafort's protégé? Russian collaborator
13. White House spokesperson: Trump doesn't know a damn thing
14. All of Trump's ties to Russia laid out in one easy char- Really? Seven? We need THAT Many? OK, fine: All of Trump's ties to Russia laid out in SEVEN, actually fairly complicated charts
15. Dmitry Peskov
    Vladimir Putin's press secretary
    1. All power to deflector shields
16. Russian parliament to investigate interference in the country's politics by U.S. media. That's the joke
17. Kellyanne's husband picked to lead the civil division of the DOJ. Fun fact that certainly won't come back to haunt him? He was part of the legal team for Paula Jones that established you can sue sitting U.S. presidents
18. Trump: Russia story is 'FAKE NEWS and everyone knows it'
19. "Is Russiagate just a conspiracy theory?" If the headline ends in a question
20. For all their denunciations of 'fake news,' the Trump administration has become a leading purveyor of it, and most of that seems to come to them via Moscow
21. Tillerson to skip parent-teacher conference in lieu of hanging out with his best friend during school hours
22. You know all those "BernieBros"? Turns out some were probably paid Russian agents, not that there are any here on Fark, of course
23. Oleg Deripaska
    Russian aluminum magnate, close Putin ally
    1. Paul Manafort Drafted a Plan in 2005 to Influence American and European Politics for Putin's Benefit, which incidentally is how we ended up with Trump as President
       1. Trump: Manawho? Never heard of him
24. A lot of smoke so far, here's some actual fire: US officials say Trump campaign coordinated with the Russians
25. ^(3/24/2017) After CNN reports that Trump aides are being investigated by the FBI for collusion with Russia, Roger Stone sends a ranting letter saying he was defamed and will "spank" his accusers "like little children". Difficulty: he wasn't named in the report 
26. ^(3/24/2017) Former Trump campaign hanger-on Paul Manafort offers to perjure himself in front of the House Intelligence Committee 
27. ^(3/24/2017) Hey, remember Rudy Giuliani? His comments about Russia hacks and whatnot? Whatever happened to him? 
28. ^(3/24/2017) Carter, Stone, and Page all offer to testify. Oh and Comey showed up the the WH just now and no one knows why 
29. ^(3/24/2017) Congressman: You know, it might be a good idea to pause the President's legislative agenda until the investigation into his possible collusion with the Russian government is complete 
30. ^(3/24/2017) The rise of Putin, or for the conservatives out there, how he's so dreamy without a shirt on 
31. ^(3/28/2017) President Donald Trump: "Trump Russia story is a hoax" 

I Will Tell You This, Russia: If You’re Listening ...

1. For no reason whatsoever, Russian hackers are now targeting liberal groups, with the aim of extorting money from them to withhold damaging or embarrassing info they may find by hacking their e-mails
   1. How the Russian hacks of the DNC were found
2. Headline: "DHS head: Trump has 'convincing' wiretap proof". Story: DHS head, who apparently was in a coma for the last year, says that since Trump made that claim, he MUST have some pretty good evidence; he wouldn't just make something like that up
3. Not only is the source of Trump being tapped being hacked, but now maybe she's being tapped or attacked for revealing that Russians hackers planted false Hillary mail on Weiner's laptop.Or something. It's not all that clear what's going on. Go figure
4. Wikileaks is publishing all of Donald's secrets. Wait, it's only 1000s of CIA documents? That's not the same thing? But he's the President. Damn you Obama
   1. So the CIA stole Russian hacking software to make it look like the Russians were hacking people when it was really the CIA. So was the CIA the real DNC email hacker?
   2. There's only one common theme in the WikiLeaks and Snowden scandal: Russia always stands to gain
   3. Paul Manafort's protégé? Russian collaborator
5. White House finally responds to growing questions about Wikileaks CIA dump, Trump's wiretap accusation and connections to Russia...by canceling all press events
6. Apparently Republicans have become Russia's b*tches
7. But all of that aside, 'satanic child murdering cabal' sounds like an awesome name for a punk rock band

The Beauty Of Me Is That I’m Very Rich

1. White House releases tax info before Maddow's show, then Trump gets on the Twitter and calls it fake. WTF is this guy's problem?
   1. Donald Trump Jr. goes on Twitter rant about fake news after Rachel Maddow unveiled his father's very real tax returns
   2. Trump attorney challenges Scarborough to prove Trump team is behind tax leak, because proof is something everyone else has to provide
   3. And the biggest revelation from President Trump's leaked tax return? He will benefit more than anyone else with his proposed tax plan
   4. Yesterday on MSNBC Rachel Maddow was Charlie Brown to Donald Trump's Lucy holding the football
   5. David Cay Johnston
      leaked Trump's 2005 tax returns
      1. "I know we at MSNBC done goofed. But hey, its real, so at least we got that going for us"
2. Forbes Magazine says Donald Trump's net worth has dropped by $1 billion over the past year. Trump says no problem, I'll just take trips to Mar-a-Lago twice every week and start holding state dinners there
3. ^(3/29/2017) House Republicans block effort by Democrats to obtain President Trump's taxes because of course they did 

Trust Me. I’m Like A Smart Person

1. Evil liberal leftist enemy of democracy CNN continues to destroy America by praising Donald Trump for using the power of his spoken words to single-handedly send the DJIA soaring 200 points to over 21,000
2. You may be wondering why Elon Musk has been cozying up to the Trump administration. And the new Tesla facilities in Russia is just a coincidence
3. We're paying for this new travel ban by cutting coastal and air security. I'm sure this makes sense to someone, but that someone shouldn't be anywhere near the reins of power
4. Media reports that Trump is meeting with former rivals in a "charm offensive." Minus the charm
5. Trump signs executive order asking every department "just what do they do around here?"
6. Today we learn how the revolving door between the government and Amazon.com use your tax dollars, make Bezos a happy guy
7. Trump is planning on cutting the NWS, EPA, Medicare and Medicaid, but you can bet your tax dollars he's going back to Mar-a-Lago this weekend
8. Shortly after a Chinese government-connected corporation brokered a NYC real estate deal that netted Jared Kushner $400 million because of its ridiculously favorable terms, the head of Chinese Intelligence front buys a $15 mil condo in Trump Towers
9. Trump's first budget proposal: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD, SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE
   1. We now have our first federal budget from Trump, and the best way to summarize it is "If it's not related to killing brown people, get rid of it. Also, we're paying for the wall"
   2. Trump's budget cuts all funding for climate change research. Every. Last. Penny
   3. Mulvaney: "We can't ask a coal miner to pay for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting." This story brought to you by the letters 'W,' 'T' and 'F'
10. Trump's NASA budget includes Mars mission and little else. Budget for movie The Martian was bigger
11. "What America would look like under the Trump budget" wrote someone who apparently can't accept that Trump is President and his party controls everything
12. Trump plan to cut foreign aid comes just as the threat of famine is surging in various places around the world, fomenting unrest and destabilizing regions the US is trying to stabilize to prevent ISIS from making inroads
13. President Trump's budget would turn the US into a heavily-guarded shiatpile
14. Trump claims he is holding a big meeting on how to overhaul the VA at Mar-a-Lago because it was "the most convenient place" and "everybody wanted to go there". Also, Donald? Stop trying to make "The Southern White House" happen. It's embarrassing
    1. This weekend, you paid Trump the approximate cost of 500,000 Meals on Wheels for a "Veterans Affairs meeting" in Mar-a-Lago. Only it seems he forgot to bring the VA secretary. Or even to schedule the meeting
15. Trump still doesn't understand how NATO works
16. Trump threatens Republicans to support TrumpCare or lose their seats. Or possibly grab them by it, one of the two
17. Trump threatens Republicans to support TrumpCare or lose their seats. Or possibly grab them by it, one of the two
    1. Bullshiat Spice: Come on guys, obviously the President was having some fun with recalcitrant GOP members who refuse to back Health Care bill, he wasn't actually threatening them...no, really. Trust him
18. Lockheed Martin CEO says that Trump made the F-35 great again with just a single phone call
19. ^(3/23/2017) Trump's early policy moves benefit the industries he knows best - his own. But don't worry, there's no conflict of interest here, believe me 
20. ^(3/22/2017) Hold onto your pensions: The Jeff Sessions DoJ is doing everything it can to enable white-collar crime 
21. ^(3/22/2017) Republicans upset with Sec Def Mattis because he is proving too responsible and independent with his appointment, refusing to appoint political operatives or to push for an increase to the defense budget as they are demanding 
22. ^(3/22/2017) Secret Service needs an additional 5,424,954 Meals on Wheels to protect President Trump's family and private home 
23. ^(3/24/2017) Trump lays pipe 
24. ^(3/24/2017) Trump comes out with withdrawal method for GOP package 
25. ^(3/24/2017) America needs to figure out its water regulation; otherwise, we're going to wind up with Brawndo watering our crops 
26. ^(3/25/2017) "The businessman president, who sold himself to tens of millions of disillusioned voters last year as the outsider who could tame a broken capital, ended his first confrontation with lawmakers overmatched, outmaneuvered and ultimately empty-handed" 
    1. ^(3/26/2017) Conservative media agrees: Trump is not to blame for the Trumpscare failure 
27. ^(3/25/2017) About that coal industry Trump promised to help 
28. ^(3/27/2017) Trump unable to ruin health care so he turns his efforts to ruining the environment 
    1. ^(3/28/2017) Someone should explain to Donald Trump that he's the President, and not a Saturday morning cartoon villain 
29. ^(3/28/2017) 'She'll be back. I barely touched her. And it was just the one time with her sister.' 
30. ^(3/28/2017) Trump owns a casino trademark in Jordan. Gambling is illegal in Jordan 
31. ^(3/28/2017) Good thing people like Russian oligarchs don't visit Trump and associates at Mar-a-Lago. I mean, imagine if there were visitor logs and records of those visits? Boy, would it look bad if they were on there, ya know? 
32. ^(3/29/2017) Trump and GOP last week: "We have no healthcare Plan B, if this fails, that's it." This week: "We totally have like 50 Plan Bs and we're very determined to kill as many of you people as possible" 

I Am Fortunate To Have Been Blessed With Great Genes

1. Are you ready to hear the V.O.I.C.E. of America?
   1. Why Trump's VOICE program is drawing comparisons to Nazis. TL;DR: It's literally a Nazi policy
2. I'm a Jewish American who worked with Steve Bannon. He is not a racist or an anti-Semite
3. GOP congressman says holding town halls is like being yelled at in a ritual "that the Orientals used to do"
4. Guys, it's not a Muslim ban. We know this because Trump told us. Please don't look at his own website telling us how he wants "a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States"
5. Ben Carson: Slaves were immigrants who dreamed of a better life
6. Something is straining the relationship between President Trump and President Obama. They used to be BFFs; I'm not sure what happened
7. Cancer patient calls bullshiat on Samantha Bee's 'half-apology'
8. House okays using taxpayer money for Islamic schools
9. Trump: "My new and improved travel ban is flawless, see you in court liberotardos" Lawyers and judges: "You are really bad at this"
10. Trump supporters protest... Anti-Nazi Resistance Radio commercial for "The Man in the High Castle". Yes, Really
11. Republicans tell Steve King that he's being a little too obvious with the dog megaphone
12. NOT NEWS: Punch-magnet white supremacist shames welfare. NEWS: Wearing bootstraps funded by millions in government subsidies. FARK: Paid to his family-owned cotton farm in Louisiana
13. Trump takes personal credit and brags about increasing unemployment in African American males
14. How Farking idiotic are Trump supporters? They chant Build the Wall while vacationing in Mexico. They may want to check out Snopes for the vacation pics story
15. Georgia nonprofit was duped into unwittingly giving white supremacist Richard Spencer $25,000 after an anonymous donor gifted them the money with specific instructions
16. ^(3/24/2017) Before it denounced the alt-right, the National Review elevated its ideals 
17. ^(3/27/2017) This just in, Congressional Republicans are shunning Univision, says anchor of popular show "Ninguna Mierda, Estúpido" 
18. ^(3/31/2017) Voter intimidation against white people is about to become a major focus for Jefferson Beauregard Sessions' Department of Justice 

Obama Had My "Wires Tapped"

1. "You know, Mr. President, the Russia stuff is heating up pretty badly. We need something to distract the media. How about...um...I dunno...maybe Obama tapped your phones? Think anyone would believe that?"
2. President Trump has decided to use the power of his office to expose the potential duplicity and unscrupulous behavior of the Obama Administration in the wiretapping of his campaign
3. Mark Levin: "There is overwhelming evidence the Obama administration wiretapped Trump before Trump was sworn in as president, and Democrats are trying to cover that up" Press: "What evidence?" Mark Levin: "OVERWHELMING evidence"
4. Donald Trump: "ZOMG all these people are doing McCarthyism at me, this is evil". President Bannon: "McCarthy was a genius whose only fault was not going far enough"
5. May we present: Trump's proof of the wire tapp. And you know he'd tapp that
6. Trump again says he was wiretapped as long as you include people listening to people in any situation as wiretapping
7. "Nobody ever talks about the fact that [the words 'wires tapped'] was in quotes [in the tweet], but that's a very important thing"
8. "Yikes My microwave is watching me...defrost the chicken." Kellyanne Conway sheds light on how our household appliances know everything we do
9. The failing, rigged, fake New York Times article used the word wiretap which makes me smart
10. It's official: Obama did not tap that Ass
11. Is the president "wrong" when he says that "wiretapping" means both "wiretapping" and "not wiretapping"? It depends on what your definition of "is" is
12. Enjoy Sean Spicer's latest Melissa McCarthy impersonation
    1. David Cameron jokes that a main perk of no longer being British Prime Minister is that he doesn't have to listen to Donald Trump's wiretapped conversations any more, proving British brand of Conservative Humour is as weak as its American cousin
13. Monday's hearing "debunked" Trump's wiretapping tweets, but left his underlying claim intact: that there was surveillance of the Trump campaign; that the results were shared throughout the government - even possibly reaching the Obama White House
14. So, it turns out the FBI really DID have a wiretap at Trump Tower to spy on Russians, but it was from 2011-2013, and its target was the Russian mobsters running a massive money laundering operation out of their apartment there
15. Whether it's residents in his Trump-branded buildings, or his business associates or investors in his projects, Trump is tied up with not just Russians, but in many cases Russians tied to the criminal underworld and money laundering
16. The internet is forever, and things you post can come back to haunt you later. Isn't that right, Mrs. Kellyanne "Ha, ha, you're being investigated by the FBI" Conway?
17. People close to the president say Mr. Trump's Twitter torrent had less to do with fact, strategy or tactic than a sense of persecution bordering on faith: He simply believes that he was bugged in some way, by someone
18. Rep. Nunes claims that Trump people were picked up on FBI wiretaps of Russians, which means, technically, Obama wiretapped the Trump campaign, which is the best kind of wiretapping
    1. Rep. Nunes thought he was putting out the Trump Tweet Tapp fire. Only he reached for gasoline instead of water
19. Trump feels "somewhat vindicated" about his "wire tapping" allegations. "Somewhat vindicated" is in quotes meaning not actually vindicated at all
20. ^(3/29/2017) 74% of Republicans believe Trump Tower was wiretapped during the campaign 

We Love ‘The Art Of The Deal’

but the Bible is far, far superior

1. God is shielding Trump from witchcraft and sorcery. basically Jeff Sessions is now reactor shielding. so he's got that going for him. which is nice
2. The breakthrough of the 2016 election lies in the fact that the religious right, in its support for a thrice-married, self-confessed sexual predator, finally dispensed with the fiction that it was concerned about abortion or 'family values'
3. ^(3/24/2017) Lance Wallnau, crazed Storm Trumper pastor, believes his prayer efforts are saving Trump from leaks and witchcraft 
4. ^(3/26/2017) Having successfully turned him into a Cheeto, witches now working on turning Trump into a newt 

People Who Are Following Me Are Very Passionate

1. Nothing like a sitting president threatening a bloodbath if his health care bill doesn't pass
2. While you libs are getting your panties in a wad, real Americans like xenophobes, Pizza-gaters, and middle-school Aryans are rallying for our president and calling for liberal genocide
3. Paul Manafort's daughter sends out text message bragging about the people her father had killed
4. Step 1: Steal car. Step 2: Drive to White House. Step 3: Declare there is a bomb in your car at a Secret Service checkpoint. Step 4: Get featured on Fark
5. Trump threatens Republicans to support TrumpCare or lose their seats. Or possibly grab them by it, one of the two
   1. Bullshiat Spice: Come on guys, obviously the President was having some fun with recalcitrant GOP members who refuse to back Health Care bill, he wasn't actually threatening them...no, really. Trust him
   2. What's it like to have Trump grab you by the pussy?
   3. "If they vote against [Trumpcare] they could face the wrath of a vengeful and combative president. If they vote for it, they risk retribution from the Koch [bros.] and other powerful right-wing players whose money can be pivotal in re-election races"

There Was Blood Coming Out Of Her Eyes. Blood Coming Out Of Her—Wherever

1. President Trump misses fantastic opportunity to stay logged out of his Twitter account and keep his mouth shut on International Women's Day
2. As their Obamacare replacement cuts off funds for Planned Parenthood, Republicans want to reassure women that other clinics will step up to provide their low-cost breast exams, contraception and cancer screenings. Let's see how that worked in TX
3. LIberals, don't get too comfy up there sipping your lattes on your high chairs, turns out women who supported Trump think he's doing a terrific job, and is keeping all his promises, including, draining the swamp and such
4. POUTS show how he deals with women leaders by refusing to shake Merkel's hand at photo op - or even look at her
   1. Trump makes hilarious wiretap joke with Merkel to which Merkel responded, I don't understand, I was actually wiretapped while you just made it up. So, how is that funny?
5. ^(3/24/2017) What are the thirteen percent of women who support Trumpscare thinking? 
6. ^(3/29/2017) White House hosts Bribe Your Way to Success™ Women's Empowerment Panel with Pam Bondi and Betsy DeVos 
   1. ^(3/29/2017) 'Have you heard of Susan B. Anthony? I'm shocked': Trump stuns women at empowerment event 

I Will Be The Greatest Jobs President

that God ever created

1. Trump recession begins as jobless claims surge by 20,000
2. Candidate Trump: Jobs report is a lie, fails to account for huge number of unemployed. Sad. President Trump: Would you look at that Jobs report? Shows America is once again Great Again
   1. Trump on job reports before election: They're totally phony. Trump on job report today: "[it] may have been phony in the past, but it's very real now." And yes, that's a real quote
3. The gun industry is now realizing: be careful what you wish for
4. Trump helps coal workers in Ohio by forcing two plants to close with his lack of economic vision
5. ^(3/23/2017) The most adorable pics of a toddler getting his first ride in a big rig that you'll see all year 
6. ^(3/26/2017) The North Carolina Grower's Association is required to advertise farm labor positions to U.S. workers before bringing in immigrants. Of the 6,500 positions offered, 7 red-blooded Americans accepted 

[Drumpf] Unequivocally, Will Be The Healthiest Individual Ever Elected To The Presidency

1. Remember back when Republicans were concerned about the president taking too many vacations? Good times, those were....GOOOOD times
2. Johnny Smith apprehended; President Stillson safe
3. Trump is planning on cutting the NWS, EPA, Medicare and Medicaid, but you can bet your tax dollars he's going back to Mar-a-Lago this weekend
4. Even the Daily Caller is calling out Trump: Remember when you used to be against a President spending time in the golf course? We do
5. Your SpicerFact for 3/20/17: Trump golfing is better than Obama golfing because Trump uses golf to solve the world's problems

We See A Lot Of Money Pouring In From Russia

1. The liberal boycott of Ivanka's clothing line was an outstanding success; best performing weeks in the history of the brand
2. What's that, oh it's nothing, just Jared Kushner's family making $400 million because a huge Chinese company is buying one of their buildings at a wildly inflated price on terms ridiculously favorable to the Kushners, nothing to see here, move along
3. Ivanka celebrates holiday where Jews hung liar who tried to have them killed. Steve Bannon said to be uncomfortable with the idea
4. Shortly after a Chinese government-connected corporation brokered a NYC real estate deal that netted Jared Kushner $400 million because of its ridiculously favorable terms, the head of Chinese Intelligence front buys a $15 mil condo in Trump Towers
5. Eric and Donald Jr. run daddy's businesses and are continually Tweeting about his policies while trying desperately not to violate various ethics laws. More than they already have
6. Donald Trump Jr. takes to Twitter to insult the Mayor of London over terrorist attack. I'm beginning to think there's a nature, not nurture thing going on here
7. Don Trump Jr praised Jimmy Fallon for not being "vicious and pushing a political agenda like everyone else on TV." Wait, who does that?
8. ^(3/24/2017) Ivanka Trump Lives in Washington, Works at the White House, But isn't an Employee Subject to Federal Ethics Rules. Ta da 

Faithful

I Love The Poorly Educated

To see all the ways Drumpf supporters are stupid and how they got that way, please click here

Ministry of Misinformation

To view Fark threads featuring the misinformation purveyors who keep the poorly educated infromed, please click here

TrumpCare

World's Greatest Healthcare Plan of 2017

1. World's Greatest Healthcare Plan of 2017. No, really, that`s what it's actually called
   1. President Trump: Our wonderful new Healthcare Bill is now out for review and negotiation. Kellyanne Conway: TrumpCare? Oh, hell to the no
   2. The big Trumpcare question: "Can I keep my doctor?" HA HA HA HA HA. NO
   3. The Uber-conservative National Review "If you want to see political malpractice in action, you don't have to read Donald Trump's latest tweet - just look at the mess Republicans have made of replacing Obamacare"
   4. Trump tries, fails to be Presidential. This is not a repeat from every hour of every day for the past 47 days
   5. President Trump (R) in January:"There will be health insurance for everybody. Much less expensive than Obamacare and much better." White House Budget Director Mulvaney (R) in March:"Insurance for ordinary people is not really the end goal"
   6. Breitbart, Steve Bannon's own personal public relations arm, thinks the GOP's ACA replacement is terrible
   7. Everyone can relax now, the GOP is not replacing Obamacare completely, just the parts that actually work
   8. GOP ObamaCare replacement at least has a critical tax break for corporate executives struggling to pay their bribes to lobbyists
   9. When Republicans are unable to come together and get their own healthcare reform passed, Trump has a simple solution lined up: Blame the Democrats
   10. For some reason Paul Ryan is acting like your boring poli sci teacher explaining obamacare repeal
   11. "Tehran Tom" Cotton wants a do-over on Trumpcare
2. Man: "I've yet to read anything positive about this healthcare bill". Woman: "Try going 2 a conservative source and open up your reading habits". Man: "I'm the editor of National Review Online"
3. Much like the average Farker trying to give up drinking, Republicans are finding it hard to give up obstructionism after their 8 year long addiction
4. Trump's agenda hinges on the fate of Trumpscare
5. Trump's response when Fox News' Tucker Carlson confronts him on the devastating impact repealing Obamacare will have on those who voted for him: "Oh, I know"
6. Cognitive dissonance sadly not covered by the ACA. Thanks, Obama
7. 1) Don't get sick. 2) If you do get sick, die quickly
8. With his so-called healthcare bill imploding, Paul Ryan does the only thing he can do - schedule a final vote on it for next week
9. HHS Sec. Tom Price says that benchmark for healthcare should be care, not insurance coverage. Aight we can all agree on that? Now let's hear how Trump/GOP plans to provide said care... oh laissez-faire mmmkay that worked magnificently the last time
10. Tom Price tells CNN that Trump's promise of universal health coverage is right behind the ACA repeal and passage of the Blood God Budget. The specifics are secret. Trust him
11. Ryan goes all in on Don'tCare
12. Rand Paul predicts that Trumpcare will pass, fail completely, and only then after the complete collapse of the healthcare system will any real negotiations towards healthcare reform begin
13. Trump threatens Republicans to support TrumpCare or lose their seats. Or possibly grab them by it, one of the two
    1. Bullshiat Spice: Come on guys, obviously the President was having some fun with recalcitrant GOP members who refuse to back Health Care bill, he wasn't actually threatening them...no, really. Trust him
    2. What's it like to have Trump grab you by the pussy?
    3. "If they vote against [Trumpcare] they could face the wrath of a vengeful and combative president. If they vote for it, they risk retribution from the Koch [bros.] and other powerful right-wing players whose money can be pivotal in re-election races"
14. Republican Senator thinks that maybe, possibly, Republican voters might get mad at them for passing a bill that doesn't do anything remotely close to what they've been promising for 7 years
15. 2009 GOP: Democrats adding incentives to the ACA bill in exchange for votes is pure evil. 2017 GOP: Hey NY delegation, what'll it take to buy your votes for our bill?
16. GOP: We can't vote for Trumpcare. It's terrible. Trump: What if we fix it so states can require Medicaid recipients to work to get Medicaid? GOP: ...Go on
17. ^(3/23/2017) Trump and pals just rewrote the Trumpcare bill to appease the right-wingers and you'll never guess what happened to the support from the moderates 
18. ^(3/23/2017) Despite overnight scrambling, as of this morning, Republican House "no" vote counts on Obamacare repeal sit at 36, well above the 22 vote threshold needed to kill the bill 
19. ^(3/23/2017) TrumpCare is so full of win, only 17% of voters approve of it -- including a paltry 41% of Republicans 
20. ^(3/23/2017) We're going to vote today to throw 24 million Americans off healthcare. Why don't we just go ahead and arrest 54 disabled people in wheelchairs protesting while we're at it? That ought to generate some favorable press 
21. ^(3/23/2017) Republicans delay Trumpcare vote after failing to garner enough votes for passage 
22. ^(3/23/2017) Russian backed despot issues terroristic demand to U.S. government 
23. ^(3/24/2017) Toddler-in-Chief getting tired of boring doctor stuff; wishes he was doing something fun instead, like giving his billionaire buddies some cool tax cuts 
24. ^(3/24/2017) Donald Trump is taking on The Freedom Caucus. Whoever wins, we lose 👑
25. ^(3/24/2017) The healthcare vote hasn't even happened yet and already Republicans are accusing each other of epic blunders, drinking fetus smoothies, and loving communism 
26. ^(3/24/2017) What are the thirteen percent of women who support Trumpscare thinking? 
27. ^(3/24/2017) They don't have the votes 
28. ^(3/24/2017) Yesterday's ACA vote was delayed after threats. Will Trump's cunning stunt pay off, or will he be handed a bipartisan defeat? It's do-or-die for American Health Care as the House votes on Trumpscare. Vote Cancelled Live thread
29. ^(3/24/2017) Trumpcare debate and vote at 3:30 EST. Watch it become Failcare Live thread
30. ^(3/24/2017) Trump comes out with withdrawal method for GOP package 
31. ^(3/24/2017) Sometimes you drain the swamp, sometimes the swamp drains you 

Zombie TrumpCare

1. ^(3/28/2017) 'She'll be back. I barely touched her. And it was just the one time with her sister.' 
2. ^(3/28/2017) Obamacare repeal is not dead, is getting better, thinks it'll go for a walk 

It's Totes Okay When We Do It

1. File this under "It's totes okay when we do it"
2. Donald Trump: "We will follow two simple rules: buy American and hire American." Ivanka: What do you mean we?
3. Even the Daily Caller is calling out Trump: Remember when you used to be against a President spending time in the golf course? We do

If You Don’t Tell People About Your Success

they probably won’t know about it

1. A closer look at the disgraceful media response to Trump's "Presidential" racism
2. Foxnews: Full Power to Deflector Shields
3. Sessions was not technically asked if anyone in the Trump campaign talked with the Russians, only what he would do if they had. Therefore it was not perjury when he said no one had communicated with them
4. Claire McCaskill: Jeff Sessions should resign because as a senator he once talked to the Russian Ambassador...you know just like me and every one of my hypocrite DNC colleagues on the Senate Armed Services Committee
5. Fox News CEO is a little concerned about all the fake news they are creating. How concerned? Fake fake concerned
6. Pretty much "Alt" anything is a problem. Don't even get me started on the alt-center
7. Mark Levin knows what's up. It's not the possible collusion between Trump and the Russians we should we worried about, it's the fact that President Obama used his power in office to spy on Trump with a view to undermine his Presidency
8. Breitbart mocks globalist WSJ for suggesting it could support Trump if only he got rid of Steve Bannon and Steve Miller
9. Breitbart: Yo WaPo, while Trump's proposal to publish a list of immigrant crimes and their victims does have Nazi overtones, the big difference is that Hitler did it against loyal, legal, law abiding German Jews, not illegal criminals. So, checkmate

I'll Choose The Best People For My Administration

1. White House press release contains a paragraph copied verbatim from an Exxon press release. If everything in The Swamp™ is killed by an oil spill, maybe that still counts?
2. Are you a legal immigrant? Do you already hold a green card? Well, according to The Chief White House Strategist, and member of the National Security Council, "Legal immigration is the 'real' problem"
3. Refined Gentleman that he is, President Trump lets it be known via the Twitter machine that he is distempered, nay, downright appalled, at the rudeness and lack of civility the uncouth media is displaying towards his designated liars

Overzealous Staffer(s)

1. White House claims that Trump's allegations that Obama tapped his phones is evidence of wrongdoing even if it turns out to be false
2. Sarcasm-illiterate (or actually illiterate) Trump press staffers include link to parody article skewering budget proposal in official daily briefing

Commissars

1. While Trump had you chasing Russia stories, he quietly hired 400 lobbyists and members of the far-right media as "beachhead teams" to be his eyes and ears at every level of government
2. Independent Journal Review
   founded by former Republican party staffers Alex Skatell and Phil Musser in 2012
   1. Tillerson is traveling Asia with only one journalist, totally not a right wing hack from the Independent Journal Review, founded by conservatives in 2012. So, expect some enlightening coverage from this genius

Steve Bannon

best, most helpful advisor

1. Trump puppetmaster Steve Bannon is a fan of notorious French anti-semite philosopher, because of course he is
2. ^(3/24/2017) With the death of the Don'tCare Act, President Bannon has pledged to remember those who defied the White House. Channeling the worst of George W. Bush says we're in a "you're either with us or against us" mentality 

Ivanka Trump

1. Donald Trump: "We will follow two simple rules: buy American and hire American." Ivanka: What do you mean we?

Jared Kushner

1. What's that, oh it's nothing, just Jared Kushner's family making $400 million because a huge Chinese company is buying one of their buildings at a wildly inflated price on terms ridiculously favorable to the Kushners, nothing to see here, move along
2. Shortly after a Chinese government-connected corporation brokered a NYC real estate deal that netted Jared Kushner $400 million because of its ridiculously favorable terms, the head of Chinese Intelligence front buys a $15 mil condo in Trump Towers

Donald Trump, Jr.

America's Uday

1. Donald Trump Jr. goes on Twitter rant about fake news after Rachel Maddow unveiled his father's very real tax returns
2. Donald Trump Jr. takes to Twitter to insult the Mayor of London over terrorist attack. I'm beginning to think there's a nature, not nurture thing going on here
3. Don Trump Jr praised Jimmy Fallon for not being "vicious and pushing a political agenda like everyone else on TV." Wait, who does that?

Sean Spicer

White House Press Secretary

1. Spicer will be live on video for his press conference today, this is apparently news as it is not a gaggle nor is it audio only as yesterday's press thing was
2. Spicer: "Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone." Fox reporter: "No, he didn't" Spicer lackey: "There are multiple reports that Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone"
3. Spicy talks about how the giant tax breaks for rich people and higher insurance premiums are good, OK? But you people keep writing your stories to make us look bad
4. White House spokesperson: Trump doesn't know a damn thing
5. Virtually the entire White House tweets about February's job stats, minutes after the official numbers are released. This is in direct violation of Statistical Policy Directive Number 3, which prohibits Federal employees from doing so
6. WH: It's fine, just fine, nothing to see here. There are no investigations targeting the President, and if there were, we cannot comment on on-going investigations anyway. So there. Nailed it
7. Spicer will finally reveal the wiretapping evidence against Obama- or implode. (Live at 1ish EST)
8. Spicer Says: Trump wants the White House Press pool to decide where he donates his salary. I'm pretty sure they all read Fark so let's give them some suggestions
9. NBC Reporter: "Can we trust that what the President says is real?" Bullshiat Spice: "If he's not joking, of course"
10. Welcome to Politics 2017 - The Year of the Walk Back
11. Sean Spicer seemed shocked to hear Jim Acosta say poor people existed; he just thought it was a myth like Star Wars or Hillary Clinton having people murdered
12. Trump attorney challenges Scarborough to prove Trump team is behind tax leak, because proof is something everyone else has to provide
13. Trump is planning on cutting the NWS, EPA, Medicare and Medicaid, but you can bet your tax dollars he's going back to Mar-a-Lago this weekend
14. Enjoy Sean Spicer's latest Melissa McCarthy impersonation
15. White House officially downgrades its apology to "an explanation"
16. Sean Spicer is increasingly becoming like one of those robots in a logic puzzle: You can NEVER admit your Boss lies, But your Boss NEVER tells the Truth, and you have to explain what he really means
17. Don Lemon summarizes Bullshiat Spice's latest word salad by comparing it to Billy Madison. Does he have a Fark handle?
18. Spicer going out live at 1:30 for the "NO YOU" counterpunch against Comey on The Hill
19. By order of Secretary Spicer, Paul Manafort is/was no longer the former Chairman of the Trump campaign but "Someone who played a very limited role for a very limited time". Please consign all non-conforming information to the nearest Memory Hole
20. Your SpicerFact for 3/20/17: Trump golfing is better than Obama golfing because Trump uses golf to solve the world's problems
21. So, will Spicer manage to spin so much he corkscrews into the bedrock? It's the daily White House press briefing - live at 2:15ish EDT
22. Bullshiat Spice: Come on guys, obviously the President was having some fun with recalcitrant GOP members who refuse to back Health Care bill, he wasn't actually threatening them...no, really. Trust him
23. Will Spiceweasel throw Paul under the bus? Will Sean create an alternate reality where Trump is a Democrat so therefore the Democrats are working with Russia? Better man a fort, THIS is your Sean Spiceweasel's daily press briefing. (starts 1:30ET)
24. Trump: Manawho? Never heard of him
25. ^(3/23/2017) Melissa McCarthy is watching Sean Spicer pontificate 
26. ^(3/23/2017) It's time for the daily disaster that is Spicey's Spintime. White House Press Briefing starts at 1:30... or whenever Bullshiat Spice decides to show up 
    1. ^(3/23/2017) VERY belatedly, CNN suddenly remember what the middle "N" in their name stands for, and start acting like actual journalists, deploying a split screen to debunk Idiot Spice's lies in real time as they televise his press briefings 
27. ^(3/24/2017) SpiceWeasel briefing time. Is today the day he loses it? Place your bets 
28. ^(3/27/2017) Will Spiceweasel mention Kushner? Will he finally go Budd Dwyer? Will he laugh as he finally gives into the insanity of the White House? THIS is your Spiceweasel Monday press briefing. (1:30PM start time) Live thread
29. ^(3/28/2017) Spiceweasel: Look, if Nunes told someone, since he has clearance and is the head of the House Intelligence Committee, then he's probably authorized to share that info, even to someone without clearance 
30. ^(3/28/2017) Will Spiceweasel have a surprise guest appearance to announce the banning of the environment? Will he say the Trump was only sorta lying, the best kind of lying? Will this ever stop being sad? THIS is your WH Press Briefing thread (1PM start time) Live thread
31. ^(3/28/2017) Angry Spice is out in force today yelling at everyone and crushing them with his motorized podium 
32. ^(3/28/2017) Spicer says it's 100% false that the White House tried to stop Yates from testifying, which means they TOTALLY tried to do that 
33. ^(3/30/2017) Will Spiceweasel claim the Senate Intelligence hearing was "Phenomenal"? Will April tear him a new one? Will he finally start beating reporters for questioning his authority? THIS is your Spiceweasel White House Press Briefing (1:30pm start time) Live thread
34. ^(3/30/2017) Spiceweasel says "obviously we don't want a government shutdown over spending cuts". Most likely because they are concerned it would become too obvious that there isn't much of a difference anymore 
35. ^(3/31/2017) Will Spiceweasel tell us Flynn is part of a deep state conspiracy to get our phenomenal, precious bodily fluids? Will *he* flip on Trump too? Can anyone contain the utter chaos of it all? THIS is your Friday News Dump WH Press Briefing (1pm start) Live thread

Kellyanne Conway

Counselor to the President

1. Kellyanne Conway to be suspended without pay for plugging Ivanka's clothing line and if you believed that for even a moment you really haven't been paying attention
2. President Trump: Our wonderful new Healthcare Bill is now out for review and negotiation. Kellyanne Conway: TrumpCare? Oh, hell to the no
   1. The big Trumpcare question: "Can I keep my doctor?" HA HA HA HA HA. NO
   2. The Uber-conservative National Review "If you want to see political malpractice in action, you don't have to read Donald Trump's latest tweet - just look at the mess Republicans have made of replacing Obamacare"
   3. Trump tries, fails to be Presidential. This is not a repeat from every hour of every day for the past 47 days
3. Human-pug hybrid Kellyanne Conway pulls another alternative fact out of her rectum, says the Trump campaign was monitored in other ways
   1. Small appliance expert Kellyanne Conway says she's not sure what was used to spy on Trump campaign, because she's "not inspector Gadget." Yes, that was a quote
4. What's surrounded by fur and has a foul wind blowing out of its hole?
5. Alternative Facts v2.0 is live. I'm pissed because there are no new features, just word-play tweaks and balancing. Definitely not buying the expansion when it comes out
6. Kellyanne's husband picked to lead the civil division of the DOJ. Fun fact that certainly won't come back to haunt him? He was part of the legal team for Paula Jones that established you can sue sitting U.S. presidents
7. Mike Pence to get "World's 2nd Best Boss" mug
8. KellyAnne Conway: Donald Trump doesn't know who Carter Page is

Sarah Huckabee Sanders

Deputy White House spokesmodel

1. Spicer: "Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone." Fox reporter: "No, he didn't" Spicer lackey: "There are multiple reports that Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone"

Mike Pence

"Vice" President

1. File this under "It's totes okay when we do it" (See also: It's Totes Okay When We Do It)
2. Mike Pence says there's no comparison to Clinton on his private email use, as he's a Republican with a penis
   1. Vice President Mike Pence demands apology from media for publishing his wife's private email address... which became a matter of public record because Mike Pence used his private email account to conduct government business
3. Reporter: "Mr. Pence, do you believe Trump's claim about Obama wiretapping him, yes or no?" VP Pence: "EVASIVE MANEUVERS, EVASIVE MANEUVERS. ALL POWER TO PORT THRUSTERS AND TRANSFER ALL POWER TO DEFLECTOR SHIELDS"
4. Mike Pence to get "World's 2nd Best Boss" mug
5. ^(3/26/2017) Pence says, don't worry people of West Virginia, the scourge of public insurance will be gone with nothing good to replace it because I'm a Republican. Oops, did I say that out loud? 

Roger Stone

Top. Advisor.

1. Top level Publican fixer, Roger Stone, only had "banal" chats with Guccifer 2.0, the Russian hacker elite. They discussed the weather and Knicks prospects. Yeah, and Subby is just using the giggity tag because there is no Patriot tag
2. Adorable Trump operative Roger Stone thinks he's important enough to be targeted for assassination
3. ^(3/24/2017) After CNN reports that Trump aides are being investigated by the FBI for collusion with Russia, Roger Stone sends a ranting letter saying he was defamed and will "spank" his accusers "like little children". Difficulty: he wasn't named in the report 

Michael Cohen

President's personal lawyer

1. Trump attorney challenges Scarborough to prove Trump team is behind tax leak, because proof is something everyone else has to provide

Reince Priebus

Chief of Staff

1. It's always a good sign when your boss starts telling reporters what your next job could be
2. ^(3/26/2017) RNC PR-BS: White House will court moderate Democrats on the border wall-containing tax plan, possibly bypassing the House Freedom Caucus wall{{}}
3. ^(3/26/2017) Priebus: Trump had no idea whatsoever that Judge Pirro was going to say all of those nasty things about Paul Ryan when he urged everyone to watch her show on Saturday 

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III

Attorney General

1. AG Sessions to hold press conference at 4pm Eastern, presumably to tell us that he did not have relations with that country. Or that he did. Either way, grab the popcorn, and here we go, again
2. The media is targeting Jeff Sessions because he uncovered the ultra-secret Department of Justice slush fund that Obama and his predecessors used to keep the media in line
3. Sessions was not technically asked if anyone in the Trump campaign talked with the Russians, only what he would do if they had. Therefore it was not perjury when he said no one had communicated with them
4. AG Sessions: "Khorosho, ya sdelayu vse, chto vozmozhno, chtoby vosstanovit' nezavisimost' i professionalizm Ministerstva yustitsii"
5. In what is surely pure coincidence, AG Sessions has followed up last week's memo rescinding the federal policy ending the use of private for-profit prisons, with one suggesting he wants prosecutors to again seek maximum sentences for drug offenses
6. The purge continues: On a Friday afternoon, Sessions asks for resignation of 46 U.S. attorneys
7. U.S. Attorney Bharara to President Trump: "I won't resign. I want your Keebler Elf to fire me" UPDATE: Elf obliged
   1. There are indications that Jeff Sessions did not know his own attorneys were about to be fired
   2. Gov. Chris Christie victim blames all the recently fired U.S. attorneys. "They received notice that they were leaving office. That notice was given to them by the people of the country on November 8, when they elected a Republican president"
   3. Trump's prosecutorial purge will harm the GOP in the long run
8. AG Jeff Sessions: "We have too much tolerance for marijuana use. We need to say, as Nancy Reagan said, 'Just say no.'" He then knocked back three fingers of bourbon and took a long, satisfying drag from an unfiltered Camel
9. “Memorandum for all Federal Prosecutors”
   1. Hold onto your pensions: The Jeff Sessions DoJ is doing everything it can to enable white-collar crime

Department of Justice

1. WH: It's fine, just fine, nothing to see here. There are no investigations targeting the President, and if there were, we cannot comment on on-going investigations anyway. So there. Nailed it
2. Remember when Bill Clinton asked for the resignations of all US attorneys DURING the transition:? Pepperidge farms remembers
3. For SOME reason the US government isn't responding to Ukraine's requests to interview Paul Manafort in connection to a corruption investigation. Gee, I wonder why that is

Department of Veterans Affairs

1. White House: All VA Hospitals directed to put up portraits of cheetos
2. Trump claims he is holding a big meeting on how to overhaul the VA at Mar-a-Lago because it was "the most convenient place" and "everybody wanted to go there". Also, Donald? Stop trying to make "The Southern White House" happen. It's embarrassing
   1. This weekend, you paid Trump the approximate cost of 500,000 Meals on Wheels for a "Veterans Affairs meeting" in Mar-a-Lago. Only it seems he forgot to bring the VA secretary. Or even to schedule the meeting

EPA

Environmental Protection Agency

1. EPA Office of Science and Technology Policy deletes "science" from its science mission statement, replaces it with "technologically achievable"
2. EPA head: Meh, what's a little chemical spill between friends?

Steve Mnuchin

Treasury Secretary

1. Oh, look, Steven Mnuchin just wrote the letter begging Congress to raise the debt ceiling so America doesn't default. Let's see if Republicans are still as opposed to it as they were when Obama was president
2. ^(3/24/2017) Ladies and Gentleman our Treasury Secretary: "Well, I'm not allowed to promote anything that I'm involved in, but you should send all your kids to 'Lego Batman' " - which he produced 
3. ^(3/27/2017) Treasury secretary says that it will be 50-100 years before automation affects jobs. Still figuring out how these new-fangled "horseless carriages" work 

James Donovan

Deputy Treasury Secretary

1. You may as well call him President Midas, because everything he touches turns to Goldman

Ben Carson

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

1. Ben Carson: Slaves were immigrants who dreamed of a better life
   1. There weren't any MFing immigrants on the MFing slave ships
   2. For a renowned surgeon, Ben Carson sure can't surgically remove that foot from his mouth
   3. Guess who else called slaves immigrants... Oh how the outrage was

FCC

Federal Communications Commission

1. Privacy, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing. GOP wants to do away with FCC's entire privacy rulemaking to allow ISPs to sell your entire browsing history to advertisers or other third parties without your consent

John F. Kelly

Secretary of Department of Homeland Security

1. Illegal border crossings decrease by 40% in February as Mexico learns what it's like to share a border with a third-world hellhole

Scott Pruitt

Director of the Environmental Protection Agency

1. EPA chief Scott Pruitt says carbon dioxide is not a primary contributor to global warming. That is all
2. Science. Huh. Good God, y'all. What is it good for? Absolutely nothin'. Love, Scott Pruitt
3. EPA head: Meh, what's a little chemical spill between friends?

Paul Manafort

former Chairman of the Trump campaign Someone who played a very limited role for a very limited time

1. By order of Secretary Spicer, Paul Manafort is/was no longer the former Chairman of the Trump campaign but "Someone who played a very limited role for a very limited time". Please consign all non-conforming information to the nearest Memory Hole
2. Paul Manafort's protégé? Russian collaborator
3. Paul Manafort's daughter sends out text message bragging about the people her father had killed
4. Paul Manafort Drafted a Plan in 2005 to Influence American and European Politics for Putin's Benefit, which incidentally is how we ended up with Trump as President
   1. Trump: Manawho? Never heard of him
5. ^(3/24/2017) Former Trump campaign hanger-on Paul Manafort offers to perjure himself in front of the House Intelligence Committee 

Mick Mulvaney

Director of OMB

1. President Trump (R) in January:"There will be health insurance for everybody. Much less expensive than Obamacare and much better." White House Budget Director Mulvaney (R) in March:"Insurance for ordinary people is not really the end goal"
2. Trump administration makes up an accusation against Obama with zero proof offered. Shockingly, this is not a repeat of the last 20,343 times this has happened
3. Mulvaney: "We can't ask a coal miner to pay for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting." This story brought to you by the letters 'W,' 'T' and 'F'

Boris Epshteyn

Commissar for Media Relations

1. ^{(March, 2017)} The guy in charge of getting Trump surrogates interviewed by the various news outlets is so bad at his job that he recently got into a screaming match with the booker from FOX NEWS 
2. ^(3/26/2017) Dear Mister Trump, please excuse Boris from work, indefinitely. -Epshteyn's mother 

Neil Gorsuch

SCOTUS nominee

1. Gorsuch believes it is improper to state opinions about historic cases. A SCOTUS appointee with no opinion or regard for precedent? The perfect candidate
2. Supreme Court Nominee thinks you should die to protect your company's property, no word on if he thinks the company owes you a funeral or if they can sue your spouse for cleaning up after your corpse
3. ^(3/24/2017) Could be when conservatives finally wake up about their Supreme Court pick Justice Neil Gorsuch, he might just become their worst nightmare 
4. ^(3/25/2017) Lindsey Graham holds a town hall in deep red South Carolina to say he supports Judge Gorsuch's nomination to the Supreme Court. Let's check in to see how it goes. Ohlawdy.jpg 

Carter Page

American oil industry consultant, foreign policy advisor

1. Trump Campaign Knew
2. KellyAnne Conway: Donald Trump doesn't know who Carter Page is

Michael Flynn

former National Security advisor

1. White House spokesperson: Trump doesn't know a damn thing

James Comey

Director of the FBI

1. Comey: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Privacy? What the hell is that?

FBI

Federal Bureau of Investigation

1. For SOME reason the US government isn't responding to Ukraine's requests to interview Paul Manafort in connection to a corruption investigation. Gee, I wonder why that is

Army General Joseph Votel

commander, U.S. Central Command

1. The buck stops at General Votel

Betsy DeVos

Secretary of Education

1. House okays using taxpayer money for Islamic schools

OMB

Office of Management & Budget

1. Trump White House on CBO report on Trumpcare: unbelievable, fake news. Our own analysis shows that by 2026 twice as many Americans will lose health insurance as the CBO report. So there

Tom Price

Secretary of Health and Human Services

1. GOP wants you to know that Keith Hall is a liberal hack who isn't fit to be CBO director
2. Even Breitbart thinks that Tom Price's comments that "everyone will be covered" under Trumpscare was the lie of the year
3. Tom Price thinks it should be up to states, not the Federal Government, to decide if vaccines are required
4. HHS Sec. Tom Price says that benchmark for healthcare should be care, not insurance coverage. Aight we can all agree on that? Now let's hear how Trump/GOP plans to provide said care... oh laissez-faire mmmkay that worked magnificently the last time
5. Tom Price tells CNN that Trump's promise of universal health coverage is right behind the ACA repeal and passage of the Blood God Budget. The specifics are secret. Trust him

NOAA

National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration

1. Trump tweets snowstorm warning from the agency whose budget he's planning to slash

Silicon Valley Entreprenuers

1. President Trump: brought to you by the same people who unleashed knock-off fart apps on the world
2. Today we learn how the revolving door between the government and Amazon.com use your tax dollars, make Bezos a happy guy

James Mattis

Secretary of Defense

1. Trump to send 1000 troops to Syria because you can't win wars if you don't fight them

Richard Spencer

Special Whiteness Assistant to the President

1. NOT NEWS: Punch-magnet white supremacist shames welfare. NEWS: Wearing bootstraps funded by millions in government subsidies. FARK: Paid to his family-owned cotton farm in Louisiana

Steve Milloy

advisor, Trump EPA transition team, whore

1. It appears that someone is blowing smoke up the White House's arse with some crazy theory about smog

George Conway

Nominee for director, Department of Justice, Civil Division

1. Kellyanne's husband picked to lead the civil division of the DOJ. Fun fact that certainly won't come back to haunt him? He was part of the legal team for Paula Jones that established you can sue sitting U.S. presidents

Frank Gaffney

director, Center for Security Policy, his own tiny think tank

1. Turns out the best way to radicalize people is to strip them of their nationality. Not that this administration would know or anything

Department of Homeland Security

1. Homeland Security publishes list of 118 terrorist occupied cities. Bombing begins in five minutes

Secret Service

1. Step 1: Steal car. Step 2: Drive to White House. Step 3: Declare there is a bomb in your car at a Secret Service checkpoint. Step 4: Get featured on Fark

Rex Tillerson

Secretary of State

1. Rex Tillerson may not be a firm believer in Climate Change, but his intra-company alias Wayne Tracker believed that it was about to get hot enough to pop popcorn on the sidewalk
2. Tillerson to skip parent-teacher conference in lieu of hanging out with his best friend during school hours

State Deptartment

1. Meh, we didn't need those Afghans who helped U.S. forces despite risk to life and limb anyways

Tom Shannon

Undersecretary of State

1. ^(3/24/2017) Trump lays pipe 

Nikki Haley

US Ambassador to the United Nations

1. ^(3/27/2017) Trump administration: Nuclear arms control is just too hard, so why even bother? 
2. ^(3/31/2017) Just like our new BFF Russia, U.S. changes its policy that Syrian president Assad must step down 

Spineless Democrats

1. Senator Dick Durbin (D IL)
   Minority Whip
   1. ^(3/30/2017) How many days does it take for Democratic Senator spines to crack and disintegrate into dust? Ah-one... ah-ha two.... ahhhh three. Three 
2. Senator Chuck Schumer (D NY)
   Minority Leader
   1. ^(3/30/2017) How many days does it take for Democratic Senator spines to crack and disintegrate into dust? Ah-one... ah-ha two.... ahhhh three. Three 
3. Senator Jon Tester (D MT)
   1. ^(3/30/2017) How many days does it take for Democratic Senator spines to crack and disintegrate into dust? Ah-one... ah-ha two.... ahhhh three. Three 
4. Senator Claire McCaskill (D-MO)
   1. ^(3/30/2017) Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-MO) can't decide if she'd rather lose her seat in a general election, or a primary 
5. Senator Heidi Heitkamp (D ND)
   1. ^(3/30/2017) First two Democratic Senators choose to be primaried next year, drag the Overton Window further rightward 
6. Senator Joe Manchin (D WV)
   1. ^(3/30/2017) First two Democratic Senators choose to be primaried next year, drag the Overton Window further rightward 

State-level Agency that Feds Duplicate

therefore, fed budget cut is justified

1. GHSA
   Governors Highway Safety Association
2. ^(3/30/2017) "Increased smartphone usage" leading to distracted walkers is one of the reasons being cited for the 25 percent increase in automobile-related pedestrian deaths in recent years. So, they're justified, is what I'm hearing 

Private Company that Feds Duplicate

therefore, fed budget cut is justified

1. Tech Billionaires
   Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos
2. ^(3/31/2017) There's a new Space Race on, courtesy of Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos and the Free Market 

Independent Contractors

1. House Ways and Means Committee
   1. The first House panel advances the ACA repeal
2. Rep. Jason Smith (R MO 8th)
   1. The bar has now been set for "stupidest thing said during the Obamacare repeal debate". " Rep Jason Smith (Slow-MO) decrying Obamacare's tax on tanning beds, If Democrats are concerned about dskin cancer "Why haven't they put a tax on the sun instead?"
3. Senator Ted Cruz (R TX)
   1. Grandpa Munster says the Trumps were "gracious and warm" during dinner at the White House and everything was fine, just fine, and there is no reason to suspect otherwise
4. Rep. Paul Ryan (R WI 1st)
   1. Paul Ryan: The "fatal conceit" of Obamacare is that HEALTHY people with insurance subsidize SICK people's health costs
5. Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R UT 3rd)
   1. House okays using taxpayer money for Islamic schools
6. Rep Steve King (R IA 4th)
   1. Steve King thinks he would look real snazzy in a Nazi uniform
      1. Republicans tell Steve King that he's being a little too obvious with the dog megaphone
      2. Apparently, there were people who thought Iowa was a vacation destination. Who knew?
7. Joe Arpaio
   former Maricopa County Sheriff
   1. Congratulations, Arizona citizens: you voted out Sheriff Joe last November, but you will be paying approximately $108 MEEEELLIONNNNN dollars this year to pay for his legal fees / lawsuit settlements
8. Rep. Devin Nunes (R CA 22nd)
   chair, House Intelligence Committee
   1. The fact that the Top Republican on the House Intelligence Committee which has been charged with looking into Russia's interference in the election was also a member of Trump's transition team should in no way cast doubt on the panel's work
   2. Rep. Nunes claims that Trump people were picked up on FBI wiretaps of Russians, which means, technically, Obama wiretapped the Trump campaign, which is the best kind of wiretapping
      1. Rep. Nunes thought he was putting out the Trump Tweet Tapp fire. Only he reached for gasoline instead of water
      2. Trump feels "somewhat vindicated" about his "wire tapping" allegations. "Somewhat vindicated" is in quotes meaning not actually vindicated at all
   3. ^(3/23/2017) House intel committee head apologizes for his actions yesterday, saying, "Was that wrong? Should I have not done that?" 
   4. ^(3/24/2017) Former Trump campaign hanger-on Paul Manafort offers to perjure himself in front of the House Intelligence Committee 
   5. ^(3/24/2017) Rep. Nunes realizes he's farked one way or the other, backs off his claims. If you remember they were "yes, Donald Trump was wiretapped." "No, Donald Trump wasn't wiretapped" and "Maaaaaaybe?? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯" Tune in to find out which excuse won 
   6. ^(3/24/2017) For no apparent reason, the Republican Intelligence Committee Chair decided to cancel the public hearing on the panels investigation of Trump and possible collusion with Russia 
   7. ^(3/25/2017) The conspiracy thickens as it's revealed House Intelligence Chair Devin Nunes went on a dead of night excursion and vanished from view the night prior to revealing the full details of the Intel revelations on Trump 
   8. ^(3/26/2017) Suitcases full of unmarked bills are out. These days you just have dirty politicians invest in a bit of real property or a brand and then flip that brand for a thousand times its worth while forcing distribution through an oligarch-controlled market Nunes’ heavily invested in company with ties to Russia
9. ^(3/27/2017) Devin Nunes makes Bill Clinton's "I smoked but I did not inhale" line look positively forthright, saying he was ON the White House grounds before his big announcement, but wasn't meeting with anyone FROM the WH 
10. ^(3/28/2017) Devin Nunes tells Bill O'Reilly that Democrats want him to quit the Russiagate investigation because "they know I am quite effective." You see, he has a certain set of skills; specifically, running to the source of the investigation to warn him 
11. ^(3/28/2017) Spiceweasel: Look, if Nunes told someone, since he has clearance and is the head of the House Intelligence Committee, then he's probably authorized to share that info, even to someone without clearance 
12. ^(3/28/2017) Rep. Eric Swalwall: This is what the cover-up to a crime looks like, especially when the perpetrators are named Moe, Larry, and Curly 
13. ^(3/28/2017) The company that Nunes lists as his single largest personal investment has suddenly scrubbed all references to doing business in Russia, claiming it was a one-off deal in 2013. The Russian distributor says they still are doing business to this day Alpha Omega Winery
14. ^(3/28/2017) Nunes: I have investigated myself and found no wrong-doing 
15. Governor Chris Christie (R NJ)
    1. Gov. Chris Christie victim blames all the recently fired U.S. attorneys. "They received notice that they were leaving office. That notice was given to them by the people of the country on November 8, when they elected a Republican president"
16. Rep. Joe "The Oil Gargler" Barton (R TX 6th)
    1. Texas congressman Joe "The Oil Gargler" Barton repeatedly insists that beating women is a state's rights issue, then yells at his constituents to shut up when they disagree with his rampant idiocy
17. the state of Texas
    1. As their Obamacare replacement cuts off funds for Planned Parenthood, Republicans want to reassure women that other clinics will step up to provide their low-cost breast exams, contraception and cancer screenings. Let's see how that worked in TX
18. Senator Mike Crapo (R ID)
    1. The "Hearing Protection Act" is a GOP-introduced bill to a) update laws for maximal headphone volume output, b) make measurement of sound levels at live concerts mandatory, c) reduce restrictions on gun silencers
19. Rep. Jeff Duncan (R SC 3rd)
    1. The "Hearing Protection Act" is a GOP-introduced bill to a) update laws for maximal headphone volume output, b) make measurement of sound levels at live concerts mandatory, c) reduce restrictions on gun silencers
20. Senator Jeff Flake (R AZ)
    1. GOP Senators ask Judge Gorsuch the probing questions: "What's the answer to life, the universe, and everything?" and "Would you rather fight 1 horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?" Hey, I thought there wasn't going to be a litmus test
21. ^(3/23/2017) Arizona Senator Jeff Flake asks Neil Gorsuch if he would rather fight "one horse- sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses." At least that explains how the Senator ended up with his last name 
22. Rep. Dave Brat (R VA 7th)
    1. Dave Brat goes into a conspiracy theory meltdown live on the air after Katy Tur asks him a few simple questions
23. Governor Asa Hutchinson (R AR)
    1. Arkansas Governor signed a bill allowing people with CCW licenses to carry guns "at state colleges, some bars, government buildings and even the state Capitol." Said Governor Hutchinson at the signing: Yeee-HAW *blam* *blam*
24. Senator Marco Rubio (R FL)
    1. Marco Rubio says Snoop Dogg should have been more careful about pretending to shoot a Trump clown in a video because "presidents have been assassinated before"
25. Florida state legislature
    1. Want to kill someone? Do it in Florida, where it's basically legal now
26. Rep. Chris Collins (R NY 27th)
    1. "He's doing everything that he promised he would do - working to secure our borders, took us out of TPP, has the best cabinet that has never been assembled in history," says GOP congressman who gave Trump an A for his performance. Hilarity ensued
    2. ^(3/24/2017) Old and busted: "We have to pass the bill so that you can find out what is in it." New hotness: "Once we get it done, we can have the chance to really explain it" 
27. Rep. Trey Gowdy (R DC 4th)
    1. Rep Trey Gowdy attempts a high profile "But what about..." during the Comey hearing, but doesn't quite stick the landing
    2. ^(3/27/2017) Apparently, Trey Gowdy missed the part where Devin Nunes admitted to running to Trump and giving him details on the Russia probe 
28. state Senator Gerald Allen (R, AL, 21st)
    1. ^(3/28/2017) Pistol permitting isn't about safety, it's about cash 
29. Texas state Senate
    1. Texas passes bill allows doctors to withhold information from pregnant women about detected birth defects like Down's Syndrome, Republicanism, Cowboys fandom
30. Senator Pat Roberts (R KS)
    1. ^(3/23/2017) Reporter: Sen Roberts are you worried that cuts to the "essential health benefits" regs will cause people to lose access to vital healthcare? Roberts: "Well I sure wouldn't want to lose my mammograms"..hyuk hyuk hy..let me begin my three part apology by... 
31. Judge Anthony Trenga
    United States District Court, Eastern District of Virginia
    1. ^(3/25/2017) Federal judge in Virginia sides with Pres. Trump. Judges will now face one another in a cage match; travel ban status to be determined by two falls, two submissions, or by a knockout 
32. Senator Lindsay Graham (R SC)
    1. ^(3/25/2017) Lindsey Graham holds a town hall in deep red South Carolina to say he supports Judge Gorsuch's nomination to the Supreme Court. Let's check in to see how it goes. Ohlawdy.jpg 
33. Governor Gary Herbert (R UT)
    1. ^(3/26/2017) Utah governor signs abortion abortion bill 
34. Senator Mitch McConnel (R KY)
    Senate Majority Leader
    1. ^(3/30/2017) The task of salvaging the GOP's agenda falls on the shell of one man: Yertle 
35. certain GOP Senators
    1. ^(3/30/2017) GOP calls potential Gorsuch filibuster by Democrats "unprecedented". Merrick Garland unavailable for comment 
36. Rep. Jodey Arrington (R TX 19th)
    1. ^(3/31/2017) GOP lawmaker: the Bible says the unemployed shall not eat 
37. the Koch Brothers
    1. ^(3/31/2017) Uncle Joe called 17 GOP Senators to tell them they "knew better" than to block Garland's nomination. Nine responded that they couldn't do anything about it because the Koch brothers or somebody is going to drop $5 million into my race and I'll lose {{nom}
38. Mayor Roger Claar (R, Bolingbrook, IL)
    1. ^(3/31/2017) Illinois mayor is discovering the hazards of backing a lunatic. C'mon, Bolingbrook's done well under this guy. They even have their own Ikea 
39. Verizon
    1. ^(3/31/2017) Days after Congress repeals ISP privacy protections Verizon announces plans to install software on customers' devices to track what apps customers have downloaded cyber{{}}

The Enemy

Such A Nasty Woman

Hillary Clinton

1. ^(3/29/2017) Hillary speaks in public, causing hundreds of Bros online to panic and demand that she not run for president 

We Don't Want Them In Our Country

1. Valerie Jarrett has moved in with the Obamas. So that's how it is in their family
2. May we present: Trump's proof of the wire tapp. And you know he'd tapp that
3. Russian hacking of the DNC is a problem, not a scandal. The scandal is this: Who inside the government of the United States is trying to discredit, damage or destroy the President of the United States?
4. There weren't any MFing immigrants on the MFing slave ships
5. That time when candidate Trump met with the Russian Ambassador and then lied about it
6. Senators push to force Southern White House to obey regular White House open records laws
7. No one likes Ryancare because it's either A) too evil or B) not evil enough
8. Fmr. NSA analyst: Intel sources say White House 'targeting journalists' with 'help from Russian intel' - Nothing to see here, move along comrade
9. Sen. Franken: Lies, and the perjured Jeff Sessions who tells them
10. Yesterday NPR political reporters resorted to memes and funny gifs during Spicer's conference. Let's hope it catches on
11. Gold Star father Khizr Khan: "Guys, I have been persecuted by having my ability to travel put under review by these fascists." People: "Wow, that sounds terrible. Details?" Khan: *waves pocket Constitution, throws smokebomb*
12. Nothing to see here -- just Trump associates directly communicating with Russian hackers mere weeks before the DNC was hacked
13. What has gotten into the Democrats? Why are they so bellicose toward Moscow?
14. Is Obamacare really failing?
15. Rep. Maxine Waters: "We know" Trump sex blackmail is "absolutely true." Which is such a coincidence because Max Waters was the name of one of his Russian prostitutes
16. Whine bar sues Trump
17. Hey, wait a second. Why AREN'T the insurance companies screaming bloody murder about the potential destruction of the individual insurance market?
18. Study shows that conservatives are less likely to be Canadian than liberals
19. American Society of Civil Engineers
    1. Civil engineers estimate it will cost approximately the amount of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan to fix all of America's broken shiat
20. When Republicans are unable to come together and get their own healthcare reform passed, Trump has a simple solution lined up: Blame the Democrats
    1. Please call the atrocious Republican healthcare plan "Trumpcare". Because the White House doesn't want you to call it that
21. Okay folks, I want a unique angle on this Muslim Ban, doesn't matter how stupid. Um... What if we blamed it on Jimmy Carter?
22. Watch the liberals. Listen to what they say, because their lies and their slanders are a road map to their plans for the future
23. Congressman Steve King (R-eally Crazy) wants a purge. No, really, he said that
24. President Trump has decided to use the power of his office to expose the potential duplicity and unscrupulous behavior of the Obama Administration in the wiretapping of his campaign
25. Majority of Americans support a special investigation into Russiaghazi and the recusal of Forrest Sessions
26. If the Republican party still has a moral center, it needs to find it or face extinction
27. Trump's desire for a military buildup is a solution to a problem that does not exist and it is dangerous, irrational, and a waste of money
28. Foreign cartoonists inspired by Trump's first month...oh dear
29. "We're protesting injustice for the greater good, man." "You sure about that, hippie?"
30. Fast For Trump
    1. Witchcraft, which isn't a real religion and isn't working, is apparently working and the cause of all trump's problems. No this is not a repeat from 1693
31. While you libs are getting your panties in a wad, real Americans like xenophobes, Pizza-gaters, and middle-school Aryans are rallying for our president and calling for liberal genocide
32. Where has the color purple gone in American politics? That's right, in the color dumpster of opposition
33. GOP wants you to know that Keith Hall is a liberal hack who isn't fit to be CBO director
34. Trump White House delegitimizes anything that gets in the way of its propaganda
35. Meh, we didn't need those Afghans who helped U.S. forces despite risk to life and limb anyways
36. American Medical Association
    1. Even the American Medical Association is calling the GOP out on their bullsh*t
37. Penguin Random House
    1. Obama books to be published worldwide. First title, "The Last Sane President", is due out in June
38. Activists protest against Trump's environmental policies by hitting him where it hurts: right in the 18th hole. No, this has nothing to do with Ivanka
    1. The rich history of vandalizing property belonging to Donald Trump
39. People with cameras in their phones
    1. The Left's version of O'keefe is low energy, didn't even dress up for this, sad
40. John Oliver really, really hates Trumpcare and everything the GOP is trying to do with the ACA, so he is again trying to reach Trump by purchasing airtime on Fox & Friends and airing another commercial targeting the DC audience
41. University of Delaware
    1. University launches Biden research and policy institute, to focus on economic reform, civil rights and the proper techniques for washing a Trans-Am
42. Biden Institute
    1. University launches Biden research and policy institute, to focus on economic reform, civil rights and the proper techniques for washing a Trans-Am
43. Snoop Dogg
    1. Snoop Dogg finally addresses the problem that no one else will speak of: there's too much clown shiat going on
    2. With absolutely nothing else to concern himself with as President of the United States Trump tweets about "failing" Snoop Dogg. Could this be the beginning of a new West Coast-East Coast rivalry?
    3. Fox News host suggested that the Secret Service should kill Snoop Dogg and Bow Wow after Snoop recently made a music video in which he points a gun at a clown version of President Trump, because that's what you do in a Democracy
44. Trump to send 1000 troops to Syria because you can't win wars if you don't fight them
45. Justin Trudeau
    Canadian Prime Minister
    1. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau invites Ivanka trump to the Broadway premier of "Come From Away"-a musical about a Canadian town that welcomed all the stranded US air travellers (refugees) on 9/11-or that's what they're telling Jared anyway
46. The Internet
    1. What's surrounded by fur and has a foul wind blowing out of its hole?
    2. Trump's favorite Irish proverb is neither
47. Meals on Wheels
    1. If you invested heavily in cat food futures after the election, your payoff is on its way
48. The U.S. may have just bombed a mosque in Aleppo during evening prayers. Dozens dead
49. Secret Service laptop containing the floor plans to Trump Tower and info about the Clinton email investigation stolen
50. Ukraine
    1. For SOME reason the US government isn't responding to Ukraine's requests to interview Paul Manafort in connection to a corruption investigation. Gee, I wonder why that is
       1. Trump allies Roger Stone and Paul Manafort both wanted for questioning in Russia investigations
51. The Happiest Hour
    elitist Manhattan bar
    1. Trump fan sues Manhattan bar for not serving him because of his Trump hat. Yeah, right. I'm sure it had nothing to do with his "waiters can go fark themselves" shirt
52. UK Intelligence Chief warns that Russia may have been behind Donald Trump's claim that British intelligence had wiretapped Trump Tower
53. Trump Administration to boycott UN council over anti-Israel agenda, because the best way to stop something you don't like is to prevent yourself from voting to stop it
54. Trump takes personal credit and brags about increasing unemployment in African American males
55. John Dean
    former Nixon White House counsel
    1. Former Nixon White House Counsel John Dean: The actions of the Trump White House in response to the Russia story seem AWFULLY familiar to me...wait, don't tell me, it'll come to me any second
56. Carter Page
    Who?
    1. KellyAnne Conway: Donald Trump doesn't know who Carter Page is
57. American Hospital Association
    American Medical Association
    AARP (American Association of Retired Persons)
    1. Let's check in with some actual healthcare providers and see what they think about Paul Ryan's Trumpcare powerpoint.... oh. Oh my
58. "Lucy"
    creator of KittenFeed.com
    1. Having solved all the nation's problems and secured his legacy, President Trump turns his sights on teen who created website where you can punch Trump's face using a cat's paw
    2. ^(3/29/2017) Remember the story about Trump's lawyers going after a 17-year-old girl who runs a cat website? Well, about that 
59. Brexit
    1. See, Brexit hasn't been a complete economic disaster
60. ^(3/22/2017) Just in case dems needed another "this is why you lost" reminder 
61. wealthy New Yorkers
    1. ^(3/24/2017) Rich New York residents ask the state to raise their taxes. Mostly because the wealthy are always looking for new experiences that they can try for the first time 
62. Mayor Sadiq Khan (Labour Party, London)
    1. ^(3/24/2017) London mayor: I have better things to do than talk about idiots on Twitter 
63. Uncle Joe Biden
    1. ^(3/24/2017) And just when it looked like all hope was lost for Obamacare, twin roosters tails of dust were spotted on the horizon accompanied by the throaty roar of a Trans-Am's engine going full out 
64. Garrison Keillor
    Minnesota hippie
    1. ^(3/26/2017) Garrison Keillor believes that the children of privilege like Donald Trump missed out on digging in the dirt when young and are now incomplete human beings because of it 
65. North Carolina Grower's Association
    1. ^(3/26/2017) The North Carolina Grower's Association is required to advertise farm labor positions to U.S. workers before bringing in immigrants. Of the 6,500 positions offered, 7 red-blooded Americans accepted 
66. Cork Wine Bar
    owners Diane Gross, Khalid Pitts
    1. Whine bar sues Trump
    2. ^(3/28/2017) So let's review where the lawsuit(s) against Donald Trump now stand 
67. Senator Boogeywoman (D MA)
    1. ^(3/27/2017) Sure the Democrats want to elevate Elizabeth Warren within the party ...but so do the Republicans. They seem to think she'll make a good boogeyman in the 2018 elections 
68. Robert Reich
    former Labor Secretary
    1. ^(3/28/2017) Conservative goes on Anderson Cooper to boast Obamacare is in a death spiral, gets smacked down by Robert Reich who demands things like evidence, proof, and explanations 
69. Modern Appealing Clothing
    suing Ivanka Trump for unfair business practices
    1. ^(3/28/2017) So let's review where the lawsuit(s) against Donald Trump now stand 
70. CREW
    Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington suing President for violating Emoluments Clause
    1. ^(3/28/2017) So let's review where the lawsuit(s) against Donald Trump now stand 
71. FSFP
    Free Speech for People with NYAG suing President for abuse of power
    1. ^(3/28/2017) So let's review where the lawsuit(s) against Donald Trump now stand 
72. CPS Energy
    1. ^(3/28/2017) Coal-powered energy plant to Trump: Screw you, we're still going with clean energy 
73. Jeffrey A. Lovitky
    failure to comply with financial disclosure law
    1. ^(3/29/2017) Lawyer suing Trump for financial disclosures: "I mean, I would rather not be doing this" Jeffrey A. Lovitky v. Donald J. Trump, President
74. Lawyers for Good Government
    1. ^(3/29/2017) Jeff Sessions has perjured himself and needs to be disbarred, according to complaint lodged by: a) 2 stoners; b) 30 Helens; or c) 2,000 lawyers from across the country Lawyers for Good Government asks Session be disbarred from the Alabama State Bar for violating professional conduct standards during his Senate confirmation hearing
75. Summer Zervos
    former TV show contestant
    1. ^(3/29/2017) Pres. Trump just found something he likes about Bill Clinton suing for being “subjected to unwanted sexual touching" ... "on more than one occasion"
76. Bernard Marks
    1. ^(3/29/2017) Auschwitz survivor tells US immigration officials that history is 'not on their side.' So ya know, we've got that going for us the man's name is Bernard Marks
77. Adam McElhaney
    self-described net neutrality activist
    1. ^(3/29/2017) Yesterday, Congress killed internet privacy, so let's support a crowdfunding campaign that seeks to purchase and publish the search histories of all U.S. lawmakers responsible for this 
78. Carly Fiorina
    former CEO of Hewlett Packard,former 2016 GOP presidential candidate
    1. ^(3/29/2017) Apparently Carly is more than just a wee bit miffed that nobody on the Trump transition team would return her calls 
79. Jean-Claude Juncker
    president, European Commission
    1. ^(3/30/2017) Thanks to our Great Negotiator, the President of the EU Executive arm threatens to support Ohio and Austin, Texas' call for independence if Trump keeps supporting EU separatist movements 
80. Clinton Watt
    fellow, Foreign Policy Research Institute
    1. ^(3/31/2017) With Nixon, it was 'follow the money'. With Trump is more like "follow the trail of dead Russians.' 
    2. ^(3/31/2017) "Part of the reason active measures have worked in this U.S. election is because the commander in chief has used Russian active measures, at times, against his opponents" 
81. Schools
    1. ^(3/31/2017) Schools are now teaching students how to recognize fake news. Lesson 1 - Ignore any news channels that show statements being made by President Trump or Sean Spicer ed{{}}

I Have My Own Theory On Obama

1. Barack Obama's politically active post-presidency isn't normal, or good
2. 122 "vicious" Gitmo detainees released by Obama have gone back to terrorism, tweets the Trump. Give or take 113 who were released by George W. Bush
3. The latest conspiracy theory from fringe alt-right radio shock jocks? Obama holdovers in government are "committing treason" against Trump to cover up their crimes
4. Obama books to be published worldwide. First title, "The Last Sane President", is due out in June
5. SHOCKING CONFESSION: In his own words, Obama admits to wiretapping Trump
6. Right wing journalists ask the hard questions, like "Why is President Obama spending time in Hawaii?" Because it's not like he's from there or anything
   1. Reporter quits over Obama conspiracy theory story published by his employer

The Media Here Is The Opposition Party

1. A minute-by-minute breakdown of two hours of this morning's "Fox & Friends" and President Trump's tweets that soon followed and referenced each story almost verbatim
2. Trump's grandfather once wrote a letter groveling and begging not to be deported
3. All Things Considered tracked down a fake news site who wrote such headlines as "Chris Christie nominated to Supreme Food Court." and "Sarah Palin Banning Muslims from Entering Bristol Palin." Yes, he's a liberal
4. Cancer patient calls bullshiat on Samantha Bee's 'half-apology'
5. Rachel Maddow's dogged reporting may take Trump down, says intrepid columnist who forgets that she is part of the Fake News Complex and as such no one will listen to her
6. Brookings Institute:"At least 15 million will lose their coverage under the American Health Care Act." Congressional Republicans:"We don't like your negative analysis so we'll make our own. With some spreadsheets or whatever"
7. Trump's insanity is Rachel Maddow's ratings bonanza. What Donnie, no tweets about liberal shows' bad ratings? Because all those shows now have yuge ratings due to your incompetence? Where are the tweets?
8. NBC Reporter: "Can we trust that what the President says is real?" Bullshiat Spice: "If he's not joking, of course"
9. Refined Gentleman that he is, President Trump lets it be known via the Twitter machine that he is distempered, nay, downright appalled, at the rudeness and lack of civility the uncouth media is displaying towards his designated liars
10. All in one article, we learn Steve Bannon dodged state taxes by pretending to live in Florida; his Breitbart salary; and his ex-wife's drug dealing boyfriend never watched Breaking Bad. Shoulda checked for 'HDPE' on the tub before dissolving a body
11. Microwave some popcorn (make sure you cover the camera first). Rachel Maddow says she has Trump's tax returns. Tonight at 9PM EDT on MSNBC
12. Jim Acosta
    CNN White House Correspondent
    1. Sean Spicer seemed shocked to hear Jim Acosta say poor people existed; he just thought it was a myth like Star Wars or Hillary Clinton having people murdered
13. Rachel Maddow
    MSNBC resident Amazon, news anchor
    1. And the biggest revelation from President Trump's leaked tax return? He will benefit more than anyone else with his proposed tax plan
       1. Yesterday on MSNBC Rachel Maddow was Charlie Brown to Donald Trump's Lucy holding the football
14. Liberals in pursuit of the smoking gun to take down Trump fell for a 1.6 billion dollar hoax
    1. Maddow: Guys, there's a reason his campaign theme was "You can't always get what you want"
    2. Rachel Maddow rickrolled her liberal flock, and they love her for it and can't wait for the next benevolent serving of anti-Trump scraps
15. David Cay Johnston
    leaked Trump's 2005 tax returns
    1. "I know we at MSNBC done goofed. But hey, its real, so at least we got that going for us"
       1. Is MSNBC lackey Rachel Maddow in legal trouble for publishing Trump's tax return? Probably not but she should be
16. Facebook
    1. Facebook is marking InfoWars links as "spam", regardless of whether Alex Jones appears shirtless
17. Juan Williams
    the Target
    1. After one of their many on-air arguments, "Hannity pulled out a gun and pointed it directly at Williams...he even turned on the laser sight, causing a red dot to bob around on Williams' body"
18. NBC News
    1. Trump lied a bunch. There, I saved you five minutes
    2. ^(3/30/2017) Here's a granular, 2016 precinct-level National electoral map. With 2012 and 2008 maps thrown in for comparative goodness 
19. Anderson Cooper
    CNN host
    1. "Tonight, we know the President has no facts"
    2. Anderson Cooper reaches his limit with the mighty oak forehead Jeffrey Lord over Russiagate, exasperatedly snapping "OH COME ON"
20. ^(3/28/2017) Conservative goes on Anderson Cooper to boast Obamacare is in a death spiral, gets smacked down by Robert Reich who demands things like evidence, proof, and explanations 
21. Talking Points Memo
    1. Republicans are being less than honest in selling Trumpcare
22. Angela Rye
    CNN commentator
    1. CNN political commentator says "Sean Spicer doesn't believe Sean Spicer at this point". Well, duh - that Ghostbusters remake was an atrocity
23. Newsweek
    1. And so it begins - Newsweek suggests Trump would be wise to negotiate a resignation before his presidency is fatally wounded
24. Abby D. Phillips
    National Political Reporter for The Washington Post
    1. White House officially downgrades its apology to "an explanation"
25. Joe Perticone
    congressional reporter, Independent Journal Review
    1. Reporter quits over Obama conspiracy theory story published by his employer
26. Don Lemon
    those aren't lemons
    1. Don Lemon summarizes Bullshiat Spice's latest word salad by comparing it to Billy Madison. Does he have a Fark handle?
27. Jalopnik
    Jezebel's diesel dyke-y sister site
    1. Hey, look, someone not on the Politics tab noticed how dumb the Federalist is
28. Jezebel
    Jalopnik's SJW sister site
    1. ^(3/23/2017) Here is Trump's TIME interview with all the unverified statements blocked out. Spoiler alert: ████████████ 
29. Masha Gessen
    lesbian
    1. "Is Russiagate just a conspiracy theory?" If the headline ends in a question
30. John Oliver
    1. John Oliver tries to explain the Trump budget but realizes it's impossible as he doesn't speak "fluent toddler psychopath"
31. Financial Post
    English Canadian business newspaper
    1. Trump's budget is how the U.S. hands over leadership of 21st century technology to China. It is nothing short of superpower suicide
32. Forbes magazine
    1. Forbes Magazine says Donald Trump's net worth has dropped by $1 billion over the past year. Trump says no problem, I'll just take trips to Mar-a-Lago twice every week and start holding state dinners there
33. New York Observer
    1. For all their denunciations of 'fake news,' the Trump administration has become a leading purveyor of it, and most of that seems to come to them via Moscow
34. Wall Street Journal
    1. When the Wall Street Journal compares you to 'a drunk' clinging to 'an empty gin bottle' in a scathing editorial, your Presidency is basically over, man. Sad
35. Katy Tur
    broad on MSNBC, a five at best
    1. Dave Brat goes into a conspiracy theory meltdown live on the air after Katy Tur asks him a few simple questions
36. Associated Press
    1. Paul Manafort Drafted a Plan in 2005 to Influence American and European Politics for Putin's Benefit, which incidentally is how we ended up with Trump as President
       1. Trump: Manawho? Never heard of him
37. Graydon Carter
    Vanity Fair editor-in-chief
    1. ^(3/23/2017) Of course he was? 
38. Melissa McCarthy
    actress, comedienne
    1. ^(3/23/2017) Melissa McCarthy is watching Sean Spicer pontificate 
39. CNN
    1. ^(3/23/2017) VERY belatedly, CNN suddenly remember what the middle "N" in their name stands for, and start acting like actual journalists, deploying a split screen to debunk Idiot Spice's lies in real time as they televise his press briefings 
    2. ^(3/24/2017) After CNN reports that Trump aides are being investigated by the FBI for collusion with Russia, Roger Stone sends a ranting letter saying he was defamed and will "spank" his accusers "like little children". Difficulty: he wasn't named in the report 
40. Carl Bernstein
    1. ^(3/23/2017) Carl Bernstein says the GOP won't investigate Trump's Russia collusion as "There's a cover-up going on here." And if anyone knows about a conspiracy and cover-up, it's Carl Bernstein 
41. Hulu
    1. ^(3/24/2017) Trump supporters accuse Hulu's new 'The Handmaiden's Tale' mini-series of attacking Trump 
42. Andrea Mitchell
    chief Foreign Affairs correspondent for NBC News
    1. ^(3/25/2017) NBC's Andrea Mitchell: White House officials are "purging their cell phones" in expectation of getting subpoenaed 
43. Juliette Kayyem
     author, national security analyst for CNN
    1. ^(3/25/2017) CNN analyst says the FBI has flipped Michael Flynn in a deal to implicate others in the Trump administration for colluding with Russia 
44. Ted Koppel
    special contributor, CBS News Sunday Morning
    1. ^(3/26/2017) Sean Hannity asked Ted Koppel, "You think I'm bad for America?" The answer will not surprise you 
45. various news outlets
    Conservative media
    1. ^(3/27/2017) How the rightwing media saved Obamacare. Wait, what? 
46. ^(3/28/2017) Trump can learn about the press from Dubya 
47. Ted Koppel
    special contributor, CBS News Sunday Morning
    1. ^(3/26/2017) Sean Hannity asked Ted Koppel, "You think I'm bad for America?" The answer will not surprise you 
       1. ^(3/28/2017) Apparently that wasn't Sean Hannity being owned by Ted Koppel on Sunday, it was some CBS produced hologram, because the real Sean Hannity just let out a barrage of tweets declaring it "Fake News" 
48. 60 Minutes
    1. ^(3/27/2017) Lawyer who operates a fake-news website and spoke about how Pizzagate was real insists his fake news stories are "100 percent true" 
49. Univision
    1. ^(3/27/2017) This just in, Congressional Republicans are shunning Univision, says anchor of popular show "Ninguna Mierda, Estúpido" 
50. American Thinker
    1. ^(3/28/2017) It's not too late for Trump. But it will be soon, if he doesn't remember what got him elected in the first place, and drain the swamp 
51. Young Turks
    1. ^(3/28/2017) Young Turks upset at comparisons to Breitbart, though they don't care when you remind them they share a name with that Rod Stewart soundtrack 
52. NYT
    1. ^(3/29/2017) Trump: "Remember when the failing @nytimes apologized to its subscribers, right after the election, because their coverage was so wrong?" NY Times: "We did not apologize. We stand by our coverage & thank our millions of subscribers" 
53. April Ryan
    correspondent, American Urban Radio Networks
    1. ^(3/29/2017) "The White House is frustrated like we've never seen before," says reporter after her tiff with Shouty Spice 
       1. ^(3/29/2017) Spicer astonished people are upset about how he treated April Ryan, noting that he acts like an asshole to everybody 
54. Palmer Report
    1. ^(3/29/2017) Palmer Report files the first "fake news" lawsuit. The courts will now decide if you can label another company's product as fraudulent without the facts to back up your claim 
55. Trevor Noah
    host of "The Daily Show"
    1. ^(3/29/2017) Trevor Noah announces the construction of "The Daily Show's Donald J. Trump Presidential Twitter Library" 
56. Anonymous former Breitbart writer
    1. ^(3/29/2017) Former writer for Breitbart reveals the company--and Bannon--violated laws by cutting deals with their landlord, a wealthy Egyptian. The conflict of interest continues 

I Will Restore Law And Order To Our Country

1. Guys, it's not a Muslim ban. We know this because Trump told us. Please don't look at his own website telling us how he wants "a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States"
2. "Immigrant privilege drives the child rape epidemic." Oh my f*cking God Ann Coulter actually said that line. And wrote an article about it. And believes it. And...Jesus Tapdancing Christ what the fark is wrong with her
3. Illegal border crossings decrease by 40% in February as Mexico learns what it's like to share a border with a third-world hellhole
4. Ferguson vs Trump. Round 2, FIGHT
5. Okay folks, I want a unique angle on this Muslim Ban, doesn't matter how stupid. Um... What if we blamed it on Jimmy Carter?
6. Trump: "My new and improved travel ban is flawless, see you in court liberotardos" Lawyers and judges: "You are really bad at this"
   1. Five GOP judges supported the travel ban
   2. Maryland judge likes the cut of Hawaii judge's jib, and issues another ban on Trump's travel ban. So for those playing along at home: The revised ban has been banned and banned again
   3. "How does 'no' sound to you? What, you don't like that word? Better get used to it"
7. Trump's travel ban preventing certain groups from coming into US. Do those groupds groups include A: Al Queda? B: ISIS? or C: The Canadian version of the Girl Scouts?
8. Girl Guides of Canada
   1. Trump's travel ban preventing certain groups from coming into US. Do those groupds groups include A: Al Queda? B: ISIS? or C: The Canadian version of the Girl Scouts?
9. AG Jeff Sessions: "We have too much tolerance for marijuana use. We need to say, as Nancy Reagan said, 'Just say no.'" He then knocked back three fingers of bourbon and took a long, satisfying drag from an unfiltered Camel
10. President Trump wants the Mexican border wall to be higher than two double-decker buses, and have an 'aesthetically pleasing color' on the US side. Hmm, could that mean white?
11. New report shows immigrants commit fewer crimes than people born in the US. To be fair, some of us, I assume, are good people
12. John Oliver tries to explain the Trump budget but realizes it's impossible as he doesn't speak "fluent toddler psychopath"
13. Homeland Security publishes list of 118 terrorist occupied cities. Bombing begins in five minutes
14. The real impact of Trump's "enhanced vetting": No African Citizens Could Attend A Summit On African Trade, Held in California, After Visas Were Denied

I Alone Can Fix It

While the State exists there can be no freedom; when there is freedom there will be no State

1. National Park Service
   1. National Park Service releases hundreds of ground and arial photographs of President Trump's inauguration and yup, looks like we can expect an incoming tweet storm
2. CBO
   Congressional Budget Office
   1. Brookings Institute:"At least 15 million will lose their coverage under the American Health Care Act." Congressional Republicans:"We don't like your negative analysis so we'll make our own. With some spreadsheets or whatever"
3. ^(3/23/2017) CBO just released scoring for amended Trumpcare bill. HOLY FARK: 52 million uninsured, and premiums would skyrocket. LGT PDF 
4. Rep. Tom O’Halleran (D AZ 1st)
   1. Democrats are suddenly concerned about the price of Presidential trips
5. Statistical Policy Directive Number 3
   1. Virtually the entire White House tweets about February's job stats, minutes after the official numbers are released. This is in direct violation of Statistical Policy Directive Number 3, which prohibits Federal employees from doing so
6. U.S. District Court Judge William Conley
   1. "President Donald Trump's revised travel ban executive order suffered its first legal setback Friday as a federal judge blocked the directive's potential impact on the family of a Syrian refugee living in Wisconsin"
7. Senator Chris Murphy (D CT)
   1. Sen. Murphy says what many of us are thinking, Wikileaks timing for releasing this info on the CIA is suspiciously timed, almost as if they were trying to deflect attention from something else, but what could that be?
8. Preet Bharara
   U.S. Attorney, southern district of New York
   1. U.S. Attorney Bharara to President Trump: "I won't resign. I want your Keebler Elf to fire me" UPDATE: Elf obliged
      1. Fired U.S. Attorney for New York Preet Bharara sends out a Tweet that STRONGLY suggests that he was investigating Trump when he was fired
   2. There are indications that Jeff Sessions did not know his own attorneys were about to be fired
   3. Gov. Chris Christie victim blames all the recently fired U.S. attorneys. "They received notice that they were leaving office. That notice was given to them by the people of the country on November 8, when they elected a Republican president"
   4. Trump's prosecutorial purge will harm the GOP in the long run
   5. Just in time for your Friday news dump- US Attorney Preet Bharara was actively investigating HHS Director Tom Price when fired
   6. NY AG goes after Trump for the Preet-sacking
9. Keith Hall
   Chief economist, Congressional Budget Office
   1. GOP wants you to know that Keith Hall is a liberal hack who isn't fit to be CBO director
10. Rep. Adam Schiff (D CA 28th)
    ranking member, House Intelligence Committee
    1. House Intelligence Committee requests that Trump FW:FW:FW:FW:FW: over his evidence of wiretapping by Monday
    2. Trump defenders are starting to sound like English Lit professors at a Joyce seminar: "So now you have to decide, are you going to take the tweets literally? And if you are then clearly the president was wrong. But if you're not"
    3. "Circumstantial evidence" regarding collusion between Russia and Trump campaign. The seven or so Trump surrogates who had many meetings with Russians not withstanding
    4. House Intelligence Committee Democrat Adam Schiff calls for independent investigation after Chairperson Devin Nunes decides to throw protocol out the window and brief the President that shiat is hitting the fan faster than anyone expected *DUN DUN*
    5. ^(3/24/2017) Former Trump campaign hanger-on Paul Manafort offers to perjure himself in front of the House Intelligence Committee 
11. Rep. Elijah Cummings (D MD 7th)
    1. Elijah Cummings says there might be a connection between Bharara's firing and the ongoing Trump investigation. Time to bust out the "well duh" images
12. California and Section 177 under the Clean Air Act
    1. Trump's EPA looking to kill the law that led to unleaded gasoline and catalytic converters
       1. Hey, look, someone not on the Politics tab noticed how dumb the Federalist is
13. Congressional Budget Office
    1. CBO will release their score for Trumpcare at 4 PM, to be followed by Presidential toilet rant on twitter at 5 AM
       1. CBO estimates 14 million people losing health insurance if American Health Act is passed
       2. CBO projects iPhone sales to drop by 14M in 2018, accelerate to over 24 million by 2026
       3. Newt licks himself some Trump butt. Mmm, that's good Trump butt
       4. If you hated Obamacare because your premiums went up too much, just wait until you try the new and improved 750% hike in Trumpcare
14. Eric Schneiderman
    New York Attorney General
    1. Rex Tillerson may not be a firm believer in Climate Change, but his intra-company alias Wayne Tracker believed that it was about to get hot enough to pop popcorn on the sidewalk
    2. NY AG goes after Trump for the Preet-sacking
15. ^(3/28/2017) So let's review where the lawsuit(s) against Donald Trump now stand 
16. Democrats
    1. Sad but true, the Democrats have become the new party of no
17. Beyond outright incompetence - Donald Trump has a plan? CNN thinks so. Maybe it is stored right next to his Healthcare plan, China plan, and Defeat ISIS plan
18. NOAA
    National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration
    1. Trump tweets snowstorm warning from the agency whose budget he's planning to slash
19. Executive Branch Reorganization
    1. Trump signs executive order asking every department "just what do they do around here?"
20. Department of Justice
    1. Donald Trump just became Hillary Clinton's email ally
21. The Fed
    the Federal Reserve
    1. Political control over the Fed is inevitable. Which means the inflationary spiral that the Fed was put in place to prevent is also inevitable
22. Judge Derrick K. Watson
    U.S. District Court, Honolulu
    1. Barring a court ruling, travel ban takes effect at midnight. This IS a repeat
       1. Federal judge to Trump: What part of "you can't have a Muslim travel ban" did you not understand the first time around, dumbass?
23. Republicans should just blow up the entire healthcare system. Wait, I thought they were already doing that
    1. ^(3/24/2017) Judge who blocked Trump's travel ban gets death threats 
    2. ^(3/30/2017) Hawaii judge decides to change his temporary restraining order on Trump's travel ban to a full blown preliminary injunction 
24. Department of Homeland Security
    1. Internal Trump administration data undercuts travel ban. Or, in other words, the Emperor has no clothes
25. FBI
    Federal Bureau of Investigation
    1. Internal Trump administration data undercuts travel ban. Or, in other words, the Emperor has no clothes
    2. "FBI investigation...could hamper [Trump's political agenda for months, if not years, to come." HA. Years?]
    3. The FBI Russia probe will also investigate the Western wing of Russia's propaganda machine, Breitbart and Infowars
    4. So, it turns out the FBI really DID have a wiretap at Trump Tower to spy on Russians, but it was from 2011-2013, and its target was the Russian mobsters running a massive money laundering operation out of their apartment there
       1. Whether it's residents in his Trump-branded buildings, or his business associates or investors in his projects, Trump is tied up with not just Russians, but in many cases Russians tied to the criminal underworld and money laundering
    5. The internet is forever, and things you post can come back to haunt you later. Isn't that right, Mrs. Kellyanne "Ha, ha, you're being investigated by the FBI" Conway?
    6. "The FBI probe into Trump and Russia is huge news. Our political system isn't ready for it"
26. Just how, exactly, does an FBI counterintelligence investigation into a sitting President and his cronies work? I'm glad you asked
27. ^(3/23/2017) Devin Nunes may be trying to save his own ass 
    1. ^(3/24/2017) Devin Nunes tries to justify his betrayal of principles and duty by stating he had an "obligation" to run and tell Trump he was f*cked 
    2. ^(3/24/2017) Rep. Nunes realizes he's farked one way or the other, backs off his claims. If you remember they were "yes, Donald Trump was wiretapped." "No, Donald Trump wasn't wiretapped" and "Maaaaaaybe?? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯" Tune in to find out which excuse won 
    3. ^(3/25/2017) CNN analyst says the FBI has flipped Michael Flynn in a deal to implicate others in the Trump administration for colluding with Russia 
28. Secret Service
    1. They'll be no shortage of Donald Trumps in the coming decades. Secret service in trouble for taking selfies with 8 year-old Donald Trump III. Trump III says Obama caused him to poopie his pants. They grow up so fast
29. Judges
    1. Michelle Malkin says judges are tyrants for not allowing constitutionally dubious travel ban to go through. Good thing Malkin doesn't have a murky immigrant background which might include her parents immigrating on employer sponsored visas
30. Internal Trump administration data
    1. Internal Trump administration data undercuts travel ban. Or, in other words, the Emperor has no clothes
31. National Institutes of Health
    conducted study in link
    1. Since the White House argued that Meals on Wheels is going to be cut because it has not shown any results, I'm sure you'll be shocked to hear that there is actual research that proves otherwise
32. Brown School of Public Health
    conducted study in link
    1. Since the White House argued that Meals on Wheels is going to be cut because it has not shown any results, I'm sure you'll be shocked to hear that there is actual research that proves otherwise
33. Liam Hogan
    research librarian, Limerick City Library
    1. This does classify as 'old news' but it is something you might want to have available to share on social media with your racist uncle since every White person in America is Irish today
34. Mayor Mitch Landrieu (D, New Orleans)
    1. Mayor says Trump's budget would be 'devastating' to New Orleans, and that city knows a thing or two about devastation
35. IRS
    Internal Revenue Service
    1. The IRS granted 'After School Satan Club' tax-exempt status in 10 days, while non-profit conservative groups had to wait years (and some are still waiting)
36. Richard Ledgett
    Deputy Director of No Such Agency
    1. Deputy Director of the NSA calls Trump's UK spying allegations "just crazy", "arrant nonsense". Then insinuates Trump is ignorant and stupid. Why yes, he is retiring shortly
37. Senate Intelligence Committee
    1. Trump allies Roger Stone and Paul Manafort both wanted for questioning in Russia investigations
    2. Pro tip: Wait until the hearing is over before you mischaracterize someone's congressional testimony, Mr. President, or you run the risk of being corrected in real-time
    3. ^(3/27/2017) The Senate Intelligence Committee, the one NOT run by a Trump "stooge," has decided they would like "a word" with Trump son-in-law/beard Jared Kushner about the words he exchanged before the election with a Russian bank chief and the Ambassador 
    4. ^(3/29/2017) Senate intelligence leaders say starting tomorrow 20 people will be questioned to finally get to the bottom of what influence Russia had over the Clintons during the 2016 election 
    5. ^(3/30/2017) The Senate Intelligence Committee holds open hearings on the Russian involvement in the 2016 US Presidential elections and other elections across Europe. Get your popcorn ready, folks. 10:00 AM EDT on C-SPAN 3 Live thread
    6. ^(3/31/2017) With Nixon, it was 'follow the money'. With Trump is more like "follow the trail of dead Russians.' 
    7. ^(3/31/2017) "Part of the reason active measures have worked in this U.S. election is because the commander in chief has used Russian active measures, at times, against his opponents" 
    8. ^(3/31/2017) Senate Intelligence Committee to Mike Flynn: NO IMMUNITY FOR YOU 
38. Senator Russ Feingold (D WI)
    1. If Neil Gorsuch isn't a legitimate SCOTUS judge, then I understand the Senate has ways of shutting that down
39. House Intelligence Committee
    1. Will Comey reveal that Trump is a puppet? Will the pee tape come to light? Will Trump demand Comey's head after the hearing? THIS is your House Intelligence Committee Hearing on Russia-gate thread (hearing starts at 10 AM EDT on C-SPAN)
       1. Comey confirms the FBI is investigating Trump team for Russia connections they can sweep under the rug
          1. Pro tip: Wait until the hearing is over before you mischaracterize someone's congressional testimony, Mr. President, or you run the risk of being corrected in real-time
       2. Pretty much, the only way today could have gone worse for Trump is if PornHub added a "presidential watersports" category to their search engine or Melania was revealed as a victim of "the Fappening 2.0"
       3. White House continues to defend wiretapping claim despite today's contrary statements from "so-called FBI Director" Comey
40. Attorney General Maura Healey (D MA)'
    1. Massachusetts AG tells Exxon to preserve their emails, especially from the alias of Secretary of State Tillerson, in case they need to try the alias for misleading the public about climate change
41. the City of New York
    1. According to New York City law, Trump's Northern White House is illegal and subject to a fine and loss of privileges. So sad
42. Senator Chuck Schumer (D NY)
    1. ^(3/23/2017) Sen. Chuck Schumer: "Eight is enough" 
43. Justice Barry Ostrager
    New York State Supreme Court, Manhattan
    1. ^(3/23/2017) Judge to Exxon: Save those emails of the Sec. of State. Thanks 
44. Rep. Mike Quigley (D IL 5th)
    1. ^(3/23/2017) Rep. Quigley (D-Down Under) becomes second intel committee member to confirm more-than-circumstantial evidence of Trump-Russia collusion during the '16 campaign 
45. Treasury Department
    1. ^(3/23/2017) US Treasury Department added to the list of government agencies now looking into the financial history of former Trump junior assistant mail clerk Paul Manafort 
46. Army Gen. Curtis Scaparrotti
    Supreme Allied Commander Europe (SACEUR) of NATO Allied Command Operations, commander of the United States European Command
    1. ^(3/24/2017) Trump campaign accused of aiding the Taliban 
47. House Freedom Caucus
    1. ^(3/24/2017) Donald Trump is taking on The Freedom Caucus. Whoever wins, we lose 👑
48. House Oversight Committee
    specifically chairman Chaffetz and ranking member Cummings
    1. ^(3/24/2017) Cummings and Chaffetz request Michael Flynn documents from White Hous-Oh shucks, seems they all fell into one of the several fireplaces in the White House. Wet floors will do that, ya know 
49. Congress
    1. ^(3/24/2017) They don't have the votes 
50. Rep. Ted Lieu (D CA 33rd)
    1. ^(3/24/2017) Congressman: You know, it might be a good idea to pause the President's legislative agenda until the investigation into his possible collusion with the Russian government is complete 
51. Senator Tom Udall (D NM)
    introduced MAR-A-LAGO Act
    1. ^(3/24/2017) Democratic Congressman: Since the President claims he works while golfing at Mar-a-lago, shouldn't he be publishing the visitor's log so that we know who is influencing him? Oh yeah, while we're at it, let's demand the White House log as well 
52. Senator Sheldon Whitehouse (D RI)
    introduced MAR-A-LAGO Act
    1. ^(3/24/2017) Democratic Congressman: Since the President claims he works while golfing at Mar-a-lago, shouldn't he be publishing the visitor's log so that we know who is influencing him? Oh yeah, while we're at it, let's demand the White House log as well 
53. Senator Tom Carper (D DE)
    introduced MAR-A-LAGO Act
    1. ^(3/24/2017) Democratic Congressman: Since the President claims he works while golfing at Mar-a-lago, shouldn't he be publishing the visitor's log so that we know who is influencing him? Oh yeah, while we're at it, let's demand the White House log as well 
54. Senator Jack Reed (D RI)
    introduced MAR-A-LAGO Act
    1. ^(3/24/2017) Democratic Congressman: Since the President claims he works while golfing at Mar-a-lago, shouldn't he be publishing the visitor's log so that we know who is influencing him? Oh yeah, while we're at it, let's demand the White House log as well 
    2. ^(3/30/2017) Trump's AF Sec. Nom kept dodging Senator questions about consulting work she did for Sandia National labs which they're curious about since the company refunded $443K of the $464K they were paid after the GAO couldn't find any work they'd done 
55. Rep. Mike Quigley (D IL 5th)
    introduced MAR-A-LAGO Act
    1. ^(3/24/2017) Democratic Congressman: Since the President claims he works while golfing at Mar-a-lago, shouldn't he be publishing the visitor's log so that we know who is influencing him? Oh yeah, while we're at it, let's demand the White House log as well 
56. Sally Yates
    former acting Attorney General
    1. ^(3/28/2017) What's this? Oh nothing, just a letter from the Justice Department trying to use the presidential communication privilege to block former Attorney General Sally Yates from testifying before the House Intelligence Committee about Trump-Russia ties 
       1. ^(3/28/2017) Spicer says it's 100% false that the White House tried to stop Yates from testifying, which means they TOTALLY tried to do that 
57. Rep. Eric Swalwell (D CA 15th)
58. ^(3/28/2017) Rep. Eric Swalwall: This is what the cover-up to a crime looks like, especially when the perpetrators are named Moe, Larry, and Curly 
59. GAO
    Government Accountability Office
60. ^(3/28/2017) GAO 2 ✔ $$ 4 POTUS 🏰 ✈🌴 & ⛳ trips 
    1. ^(3/29/2017) Government Accountability Office decides that maybe it should look into this whole "Mar A Lago" thing. At least until Trump declares them enemy combatants 
61. Senator Mark Warner (D VA)
    1. ^(3/30/2017) Russia hired 1000 people to create anti-Clinton fake news during the election. Fake. News 
62. Senator Richard Blumenthal (D CT)
    1. ^(3/31/2017) Senator Richard Blumenthal will cast a no vote in confirming Gorsuch 

We May Have To Get You A Larger Room

1. It's Monday, so you know what that means: Trump's own agencies have told him that he's wrong about his weekend conspiracy rant, but he doesn't care and still believes his own derp
2. FBI continues investigating the "odd" cyber link between a Russian bank and Trump's corporate holdings
3. FBI and NSA called to testify on Trump-Russia investigation. CIA was going to be called, but thanks to Wikileaks, Congress already knows what CIA was going to say anyway

I Want To Use Hairspray

1. Flint residents must start paying for water they still can't drink without a filter, because fark you, that's why
2. NOAA to be gutted under Trump. Because who needs accurate weather forecasts, hurricane warnings, and current information on lightning strikes
3. EPA Office of Science and Technology Policy deletes "science" from its science mission statement, replaces it with "technologically achievable"
4. EPA chief Scott Pruitt says carbon dioxide is not a primary contributor to global warming. That is all
5. Science. Huh. Good God, y'all. What is it good for? Absolutely nothin'. Love, Scott Pruitt
6. Rex Tillerson may not be a firm believer in Climate Change, but his intra-company alias Wayne Tracker believed that it was about to get hot enough to pop popcorn on the sidewalk
7. Trump tweets snowstorm warning from the agency whose budget he's planning to slash
8. EPA head: Meh, what's a little chemical spill between friends?
9. Trump's budget cuts all funding for climate change research. Every. Last. Penny
10. Liam Hogan
    research librarian, Limerick City Library
    1. This does classify as 'old news' but it is something you might want to have available to share on social media with your racist uncle since every White person in America is Irish today
11. It appears that someone is blowing smoke up the White House's arse with some crazy theory about smog
12. Stephen Hawking
    1. Donald Trump's abhorrent science denial finally rouses Stephen Hawking's fury. Crush him in the claws of your giant mecha-suit, Stephen, crush him
13. Neil deGrasse Tyson
    Black Science Man
    1. Neil deGrasse Tyson: Trump's Budget Will Make America Weak, Sick & Stupid. Obvious tag is really getting a workout this morning
14. The age of open government is ending
15. Doctors
    1. Evil godless medicine devils want you to believe that taking Christ out of the genetic amniocentesis results might not be in the best interests of women's health
16. Jay Faison
    North Carolina businessman
    1. ^(3/27/2017) The loneliest person on the right in Donald Trump's Washington is: a) a free-trader, b) an immigration lover or, c) a conservative Republican who believes climate change is a serious threat 

We Will Reform The U.S. Education System

1. The Sentencing Project
   1. New report shows immigrants commit fewer crimes than people born in the US. To be fair, some of us, I assume, are good people
2. Cato Institute
   1. New report shows immigrants commit fewer crimes than people born in the US. To be fair, some of us, I assume, are good people
3. The age of open government is ending

When Someone Crosses You, My Advice Is ‘Get even!’

1. Fark Politics tab explained: "social media...means that the satire never has to end, that you can always jack right back in, and there's always another person to tell you that those conservative rubes are uncool and unfunny"
2. Newly declassified documents show that it's not just fake news, it's the CIA's news
3. Alex Oronov
   1. Who is Alex Oronov? And why, like so many others on the Trump-Putin boundary, is he suddenly dead?
4. David Bossie
   former Trump Deputy Campaign Manager
   1. Everyone in the Trump campaign was rewarded with appointments they were unqualified for--except for Deputy Campaign Manager David Bossie, who was left in the cold. Probably because he never talked to Russia
5. Senator Tom Cotton (R AR)
   1. Even Sen. "Tehran Tom" Cotton isn't willing to hop aboard Trump's latest crazy Train
   2. "Tehran Tom" Cotton wants a do-over on Trumpcare
6. Heritage Foundation
   1. Heritage Foundation throws down the gauntlet on GOP's joke of an ACA replacement
7. Senator Ben Sasse (R NE)
   1. "Meh, he's a crazy asshole. What did you expect? Don't look at us, you voted for the guy." - The GOP Leadership
8. Rep. Devin Nunes (R CA 22nd)
   House Intelligence Committee Chairman
   1. Mr. President, about those wiretapp allegations? Yeah....well we're sorry sir, but this time you're on your own
   2. House Intelligence Committee requests that Trump FW:FW:FW:FW:FW: over his evidence of wiretapping by Monday
      1. House Intelligence Committee set today as the deadline for Trump to provide evidence he was the victim of an Obama "wiretapp." Will Trump follow through? What will happen if he fails to provide the evidence? Either way, things will get crazy today
   3. Trump defenders are starting to sound like English Lit professors at a Joyce seminar: "So now you have to decide, are you going to take the tweets literally? And if you are then clearly the president was wrong. But if you're not"
   4. Get to know Intelligence Committee Chair Devin Nunes, a former dairy farmer in charge of US spies and intel
9. ^(3/23/2017) Devin Nunes may be trying to save his own ass 
10. ^(3/27/2017) Apparently, Trey Gowdy missed the part where Devin Nunes admitted to running to Trump and giving him details on the Russia probe 
11. ^(3/28/2017) The company that Nunes lists as his single largest personal investment has suddenly scrubbed all references to doing business in Russia, claiming it was a one-off deal in 2013. The Russian distributor says they still are doing business to this day Alpha Omega Winery
12. Senator Richard Burr (R NC)
    Senate Intelligence Committee Chair
    1. Mr. President, about those wiretapp allegations? Yeah....well we're sorry sir, but this time you're on your own
13. National Review
    1. 1. The Uber-conservative National Review "If you want to see political malpractice in action, you don't have to read Donald Trump's latest tweet - just look at the mess Republicans have made of replacing Obamacare"
    2. Man: "I've yet to read anything positive about this healthcare bill". Woman: "Try going 2 a conservative source and open up your reading habits". Man: "I'm the editor of National Review Online"
    3. Baptists should support Muslims' rights to build mosques, according to liberal snowflake media wing of the Democratic Party, the National Review
14. Rep. Rod Blum (R IA 1st)
    1. President Trump's stellar negotiation tactics have caused three wavering Republican lawmakers to firm up their stance on the ACA repeal-and-replace bill: they came out against it
15. Rep. Ted Budd (R NC 13th)
    1. President Trump's stellar negotiation tactics have caused three wavering Republican lawmakers to firm up their stance on the ACA repeal-and-replace bill: they came out against it
16. Rep. Leonard Lance (R NJ 7th)
    1. President Trump's stellar negotiation tactics have caused three wavering Republican lawmakers to firm up their stance on the ACA repeal-and-replace bill: they came out against it
17. Bloomberg News
    1. Pay no attention to the trade surplus the U.S. had with China in February
18. Mick Mulvaney
    Director of the Office of Management & Budget
    1. President Trump (R) in January:"There will be health insurance for everybody. Much less expensive than Obamacare and much better." White House Budget Director Mulvaney (R) in March:"Insurance for ordinary people is not really the end goal"
19. Breitbart "News"
    1. Breitbart, Steve Bannon's own personal public relations arm, thinks the GOP's ACA replacement is terrible
20. Governor Charlie Baker (R MA)
    1. Governor sees Trump's attempt to f*ck over Planned Parenthood and promises to keep funding them even if the Feds pull out, no strings attached. Oh, and the governor is a Republican
21. FOX
    1. Fox News slams GOP health care reform plan. Yes, THAT Fox News
22. James Rosen
    reporter for FOX News
    1. Spicer: "Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone." Fox reporter: "No, he didn't" Spicer lackey: "There are multiple reports that Obama tapped a Fox reporter's phone"
23. Senator RANDPAUL (R KY)
    1. Rand Paul introduces simple bill to full repeal Obamacare titled "Popcorn Dot Gif Act of 2017"
24. Rep. Pete Sessions (R TX 32nd)
    1. Trumpy Spice: "Every member of the House and Senate will be able to have their opportunity to have amendments (on TrumpCare) offered through the committee process and on the floor," GOP Leadership: The Hell you say
25. Walter Shaub
    Director, Office of Government Ethics
    1. White House: Ethics laws do not apply to the executive branch. U.S. Ethics official: Um, yes they do, dumb asses
26. Rep. Paul Ryan (R WI 1st)
    1. Paul Ryan; "Trump will never win a beauty contest." Wait, what? Oh, Trumpcare will never win a beauty contest. Coulda went either way
    2. Breitbart begins sharpening some very long knives
       1. Microwave catches Paul Ryan throwing Trump under the bus
    3. Paul Ryan would like to remind all Americans that Trump had his tiny hands all over the crafting of the GOP's healthcare legislation
    4. It's official: Obama did not tap that Ass
    5. ^(3/24/2017) Sometimes you drain the swamp, sometimes the swamp drains you 
27. ^(3/30/2017) Paul Ryan refuses to work with Democrats on health-care legislation, a fact that will not in any way prevent him from blaming them when it doesn't pass 
    1. ^(3/30/2017) Some Republicans upset that Ryan accidentally said in public that they shouldn't work with Democrats at all 
28. Senator John McCain (R AZ)
    1. John McCain predicts there are "more shoes to drop" over Russiaghazi
29. Breitbart "News"
    1. Even Breitbart thinks that Tom Price's comments that "everyone will be covered" under Trumpscare was the lie of the year
30. Fox & Friends
    1. John Oliver really, really hates Trumpcare and everything the GOP is trying to do with the ACA, so he is again trying to reach Trump by purchasing airtime on Fox & Friends and airing another commercial targeting the DC audience
31. Rev. Russell Moore
    President of the Southern Baptist Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission
    1. Prominent evangelical pastor with an actual moral compass is opposed to Trump and the preachers who worship him, so naturally he's about to get kicked out of his leadership postion
32. Morning Joe Scarborough
    1. Trump unfollows his Morning Joe besties who helped get him elected. Sad
33. Mika Brzezinski
    1. Trump unfollows his Morning Joe besties who helped get him elected. Sad
    2. "Morning Joe" host Mika Brzezinski looks into camera and says directly to Trump: "It's a very serious allegation. And it questions everything that you're about. And it questions whether we can ever believe you, and whether Americans can believe you"
34. Morning Joe
    TV show
    1. ^(3/29/2017) Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski say they were successful in that they got inside Trump's head 
35. Shepard Smith
    FOX "News" anchor
    1. Shepard Smith says it's "stunning" that after years of Republicans being united on fighting Obamacare, they can't agree on a replacement
    2. ^(3/23/2017) Shepard Smith's persistent adherence to liberal claptrap such as "facts," "accuracy," and "journalistic principles" are beginning to distress Fox News viewers, who are now calling for his firing 
36. Senator Lindsey Graham (R SC)
    1. Lindsey Graham vows to "find out all things Russian" and has put Trump right in his crosshairs
37. James Comey
    Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation':
    1. James Comey to officially reveal if FBI is investigating Trump's ties to Russia during presidential election
    2. And today Comey throws Trump under the bus
    3. Will Comey reveal that Trump is a puppet? Will the pee tape come to light? Will Trump demand Comey's head after the hearing? THIS is your House Intelligence Committee Hearing on Russia-gate thread (hearing starts at 10 AM EDT on C-SPAN)
       1. Comey confirms the FBI is investigating Trump team for Russia connections they can sweep under the rug
       2. James Comey answers the least suspenseful question in recorded history
          1. Pro tip: Wait until the hearing is over before you mischaracterize someone's congressional testimony, Mr. President, or you run the risk of being corrected in real-time
       3. Pretty much, the only way today could have gone worse for Trump is if PornHub added a "presidential watersports" category to their search engine or Melania was revealed as a victim of "the Fappening 2.0"
       4. White House continues to defend wiretapping claim despite today's contrary statements from "so-called FBI Director" Comey
       5. Former Nixon White House Counsel John Dean: The actions of the Trump White House in response to the Russia story seem AWFULLY familiar to me...wait, don't tell me, it'll come to me any second
    4. ^(3/24/2017) Carter, Stone, and Page all offer to testify. Oh and Comey showed up the the WH just now and no one knows why 
38. James Mattis
    Secretary of Defense
    1. Trump's Secretary of a good offense: Climate change is real. It's happening now and we need to take it seriously. Trump's future reply: Well kiss my grits
39. Nikki Haley
    UN Ambassador
    1. Nikki Haley speaks out, saying that we shouldn't trust anyone involved in helping elect Trump
40. Tucker Carlson
    host of parasitic sentient-bowtie
    1. Trump leaked classified CIA intel to Tucker Carlson on live TV: ranking House intel member
    2. Trump's response when Fox News' Tucker Carlson confronts him on the devastating impact repealing Obamacare will have on those who voted for him: "Oh, I know"
41. former Rep. David Jolly (R FL 13th)
    1. So we've ALL been thinking it, but credit goes to former Rep. David Jolly (R-FL) for being the first to come out and say it publicly: President Donald Trump isn't "intellectually qualified" to be president
42. Rex Tillerson
    Secretary of State
43. In extremely polite Diplo-speak, China, through its state-run Media is basically saying they made Secretary of State Tillerson and the US their biatches during his visit this weekend
44. ^(3/31/2017) Uh oh. Putin gonna be mad. Sexy Rexy says that sanctions will remain in place against Russia until they return the Crimea to Ukraine. All that work in 2016 for nothing 
45. Tomi Lahren
    former potential FOX spokesmodel
    1. Tomi Lahren suspended from Glenn Beck's media empire for moment of clarity
46. Bill O'Reilly
    1. Straight-faced, Bill O'Reilly sheepishly admits Trump "would be wise to embrace only facts from now on"
47. Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli
    Italian business philosopher
    1. Was Machiavelli actually not very Machiavellian?
48. some guy named Paul Manafort
    1. ^(3/23/2017) Manafort V3.0: Going from campaign manager, to "played a very limited role for a very limited time", to "Really guys, he wasn't even here long enough for us to check his references" 
49. Richard Painter
    senior ethics lawyer, George W. Bush
    1. ^(3/23/2017) George W. Bush's ethics lawyer says FBI is "uncovering evidence of treason" by far right US news websites over their links with Russia. In other news, Bush had an ethics lawyer. Who knew? 
50. the Republican Party
    1. ^(3/24/2017) The healthcare vote hasn't even happened yet and already Republicans are accusing each other of epic blunders, drinking fetus smoothies, and loving communism 
    2. ^(3/25/2017) Paul Ryan: We've spent so much time being the party of "no" that we've forgotten how to govern 
       1. ^(3/26/2017) Steve Bannon has lost control of the classroom 
51. Freedom Caucus
    1. ^(3/25/2017) Who run Congresstown? Who... run... Congresstown? Freedom Caucus runs Congresstown. FREEDOM CAUCUS RUNS CONGRESSTOWN 
       1. ^(3/26/2017) "Mr. President, we need to figure out how to win back the Freedom Caucus." "I know, I'll link them to the evil Dumbocrats, so my followers will all turn on them." "Umm...brilliant idea, Mr. President" 
    2. ^(3/26/2017) RNC PR-BS: White House will court moderate Democrats on the border wall-containing tax plan, possibly bypassing the House Freedom Caucus 
    3. ^(3/26/2017) Trump is 'red hot' with rage over healthcare debacle and determined to make disloyal Republicans pay 
52. Michael Flynn
    former National Secutity Advisor
    1. ^(3/26/2017) Trump's supermarket mouthpiece, The National Enquirer, has branded disgraced General Michael Flynn a Russian Spy. The End Is Nigh 
    2. ^(3/30/2017) Flynn offers to testify in exchange for Immunity, Jeff Bridges giving him back that arcade 
53. Jeb Bush
    1. ^(3/27/2017) Jeb Bush, the man who should have been the GOP nominee, says Trump needs to "stop saying things that aren't true" 
54. Rep. Mark Meadows (R NC 11th)
55. ^(3/27/2017) Now that they control government again, Republicans are back to saying that "deficits don't matter" 
56. ^(3/27/2017) Freedom Caucus member hailed as hero for stopping leopards from eating his constituents' faces by trying to make leopards eat . . . jeez, even this stupid meme can't make sense of what's going on anymore 
57. Robert Murray
    founder, CEO of Murray Energy
    1. ^(3/27/2017) CEO of biggest coal company in the US says that there is nothing Trump can do to bring coal jobs back to the US 
58. Darth Cheney
    former "Vice" Leader of the Dark Side
    1. ^(3/28/2017) Russian interference in the U.S. elections may constitute an "act of war," says renowned liberal snowflake Dick Cheney. Wait, what? 
59. Senator Lindsay Graham (R SC)
    1. ^(3/28/2017) Nunes: How can a blind man be a lookout? Graham: How can an idiot be the House Intelligence Committee Chairman? Nunes: ___ 
60. Trump Supporters
    1. ^(3/28/2017) Trumpscare did not have the support of the majority of Trump voters 
61. Vnesheconombank
    Russian bank
    1. ^(3/28/2017) Russian bank: Oh f*ck yes, we met with Jared. It was glorious 
62. Evan McMullin
    former CIA operations officer, 2016 GOP Presidential candidate
    1. ^(3/29/2017) Evan McMullin: I entered the 2016 Presidential Race because I knew secrets about Donald Trump's ties to Russia that have yet to be revealed 
63. Ezra Cohen-Watnick
    Senior Director for Intelligence Programs at National Security Council; brought to the White House by Michael T. Flynn
    1. ^(3/30/2017) Two aides have hit the Nunes Tower. Oh the hilarity 
64. Michael Ellis
    Deputy National Security Council Legal Advisor; former counsel for House Intelligence Committee
    1. ^(3/30/2017) Two aides have hit the Nunes Tower. Oh the hilarity 
65. Patriotic Millionaires
    group of wealthy Utahans
    1. ^(3/30/2017) 'Patriotic Millionaires' in Utah ask for higher taxes on the rich the group is called "Patriotic Millionaires"
66. Sean Hannity
    just another good head of hair like the rest of them
    1. ^(3/31/2017) Asshole sides with taint against dick 

No Puppet! No Puppet! You're The Puppet!

1. Blaming the Klan on modern Democrats is like blaming the Unabomber on the Montana Territory, which I do so nyeh
2. "Liberals, much like Hitler, are under demonic control"
3. Obama is "engaging with domestic terrorists" to take down Trump. Wait, domestic terrorists typically support Trump
4. The more President Trump wins, the more the Dems and anti-Trump conservatives flail their arms in disgust
5. The left about to eat their own. Honest, reasonable Democrats have no place in their party anymore
6. Something is straining the relationship between President Trump and President Obama. They used to be BFFs; I'm not sure what happened
7. LA Times says that while Al Gore had an inconvenient truth, Donald Trump has inconvenient realities

See Also

• Drumpfster Fire
• I Love The Poorly Educated
• Drumpfster Fire Daily Chaos
• The World Outside the U.S. Post-Drumpf
• 115th Congressional Dumpster Fire
• Defying GOP's Wet Dream of One Party Rule of U.S. Government